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[daydreaming-in-daisies]

life has been feeling dry af lately

[joannechocolat]

How to be a Woman: Shut Up and Wear a Sweater

My name popped up recently online in this article from the New York Post, provoking an interesting debate on Twitter, regarding dress codes and what they mean, especially to women.

http://nypost.com/2017/07/10/congresss-dress-code-isnt-sexist-so-shut-up-and-put-on-a-sweater/

Leaving aside for a moment the Congress dress code, and whether or not it is sexist, let’s have a look at the way in which this reporter, who doesn’t know me from Adam or Eve, has interpreted my treatment at the hands of Harvey Nichol’s staff. (In truth, it was my daughter who was wearing the hoodie. I was wearing a denim jacket.) The two sales assistants on duty were having a private conversation, and, having glanced at both of us standing by the counter, pretended not to have noticed us, and pointedly turned away, having decided we weren’t impressive enough to serve. According to Raquel Laneri, the writer of this article, this rudeness was based on my lack of respect for the hallowed surroundings into which I had dared to venture.

Apparently, according to Raquel, wearing casual dress is insulting to people in business suits. Let’s look at that for a moment, because it reveals far more about the writer and her own insecurities than it does about a couple of sales assistants in a posh department store, who couldn’t be bothered to suspend their conversation in order to serve two people who looked too poor to afford clothes from Harvey Nichol’s.

Casual dress, according to the writer of this patronizing little piece, is “the height of entitlement.” She goes on to compare it to Silicon Valley billionaires who use it as a “power move” to intimidate people in business suits.

Well, maybe it is. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never met a Silicon Valley billionaire. I have met a lot of ordinary people, however, who wear casual clothes because they happen to like feeling comfortable, who wear comfortable shoes because they can’t afford taxis, and who, therefore, don’t deserve respect because they don’t look wealthy. Because that’s what it’s really about, of course. Dress codes are primarily designed to ensure that people who don’t conform to a certain set of stereotypes aren’t allowed entry into the exclusive clubs – be that the official dress code of Congress, or the unofficial dress code of Harvey Nichol’s. (Department stores don’t have dress codes, by the way, Raquel. And sales assistants are employees, paid to serve the customers, not to decide who’s worthy or not.)

Of course, there’s nothing new about this kind of exclusivity. Oxford’s all-male Bullingdon Club ensures “the right kind” of membership by imposing a “uniform” that costs the wearer several thousand pounds, and which no student from an ordinary background could possibly afford. The dress code of the wealthy is laid out in magazines worldwide, and anyone with an eye for fashion can usually tell how much an outfit costs, and therefore how much the wearer is worth. To people vacant and shallow enough to believe that wealth deserves respect, poverty deserves contempt, and they behave accordingly. But Raquel’s ire is not directed at the poor. It’s directed at those who could afford to wear the expensive uniform, but don’t want to belong to the club. And why would they? It’s a nasty, snobbish club, that judges people on the appearance of wealth, and assumes that politeness is optional. The refusal to conform challenges those assumptions. It says to those people in business suits: “I know what you stand for, and I’ve decided it isn’t for me.”

Now no-one’s pretending that dress codes only apply to women. But while the “business” dress code for men is quite straightforward (business suit, jacket, tie, leather shoes), for women it’s a minefield. If we have a little look at some of the restrictions, we’ll see how restrictive – how controlling – are the rules (both written and unwritten) that govern women’s appearance. We’ll also begin to see, I hope, how sexist these dress codes really are, under the guise of “formality.”

1.      Makeup. It’s generally considered inappropriate for a professional not to wear makeup. Not too much, though (mustn’t be slutty, must we?) just enough to make her look her best (ie: sexually attractive to men). Not wearing makeup implies that the woman might not actually want to be sexually attractive to men, and is therefore condemned as “disrespectful” or “unprofessional.” No-one asks  the same of men – men’s business clothing is resolutely neutral, while women’s clothing and grooming is highly, relentlessly sexualized. Which brings us to:

2.      Skirts v. Trousers. Even now, there’s a prejudice against businesswomen wearing trouser suits. They’re seen as less “professional” somehow, and are even forbidden in some businesses – not because they’re less formal, but because they’re not as “feminine” - ie: revealing - as skirts. Not too revealing, though - skirt length is a fine art, walking the delicate line between frumpy and flirty, both of which would attract negative comment. The same, and more goes for...

3.      Dresses, which should be neither too long, not too short; the fabric neither too sheer nor too floaty; the shape neither overly fitted (slutty) nor shapeless (not slutty enough); with either long sleeves or a cardigan to cover the flesh of the upper arms.

4.      Legs, however, are perfectly fine as long as stockings are also worn – mustn’t alarm the menfolk with the sight of imperfect female flesh, so a thin film of flesh-coloured nylon is essential to give the illusion of flawless skin.

5.      Shoes must be high-heeled to improve the shape of the calves, and to force the woman to walk in a more sexually provocative way. Low shoes are considered less formal (plus they’re a lot more comfortable, and much easier to run in if threatened by a predator). Open-toed sandals are sometimes all right, as long as the toenails are painted and the feet well-groomed, but, depending on the shape, may also sometimes be seen as too tarty, too casual, or incompatible with the essential stockings (see legs.)

6.      Hair should be neither too long (messy) nor too short (unattractive, masculine, possibly even lesbian). Curly hair is associated with untidiness, and must be ironed flat. If the hair is going grey, dyeing is essential to preserve maximum attraction and youthfulness, but nothing too artificial (tarty), and definitely no unnatural colours like green or blue, which are seen as threateningly alternative (maybe even lesbian).

7.      General grooming. It is also becoming increasingly accepted that a women who doesn’t want to endure lengthy beauty treatments just doesn’t respect herself, and therefore doesn’t deserve respect. These treatments include (among others) manicures; pedicures; eyebrow threading; waxing; hair straightening; removal of hair from the top lip. However, eyelash extensions, some hair extensions, unusually long fingernails, eye-catching nail art, certain shades of lipstick or eyeshadow, etc. may be seen as slutty and/or common, and should be avoided.

8.      General attractiveness. While it is essential to look one’s best, it is also essential not to tempt men into behaving badly. To be too attractive is as bad as to be unattractive, and in certain professions, either can end in dismissal.

9.      Age appropriateness. Women should always try to look young and beautiful. If they fail in this, it may be because they are “trying too hard,” which is, of course, ridiculous, and deserves contempt. Is it flattering? If it is, all the better, as long as it doesn’t contravene the “General attractiveness” rule. If you are lucky enough to attract a compliment from a male colleague, be grateful for the flattery. If you’re unlucky enough to wear something that doesn’t “suit” you, expect negative comments from your male colleagues: you deserve it, and it is, after all, their right and privilege to comment on any detail of your appearance they happen to notice.

10.   Deportment. Women are trained from childhood to walk, sit, stand, speak, etc. in a “ladylike” fashion. That means not running, not sitting with your legs apart, not talking too loudly, or too confidently, or too shrilly. It means not taking up too much space. It means not challenging the status quo. If you challenge the status quo, you’ll be accused of being arrogant, shill, unattractive, and worst of all, “unfeminine.” 

In conclusion:  This is the lie that we are being sold. Your existence, as a woman, is not a right, but a privilege. That’s because the men in charge were generous enough to let you into their exclusive club. You’re there on sufferance, so watch your step. Watch what you wear: watch how you walk; watch how you express yourself. And if a man tells you something, don’t question him, even if it’s none of his business. Those are the rules of this club, girls. That’s how you earn the respect of men. That’s how you get along in life. And if you decide that’s not what you want, there’ll always be women like Raquel to tell you you’re being arrogant, because you’re flaunting the rules of the game. And that’s because women like Raquel would secretly like to flaunt the rules, but daren’t, because they’re full of fear. And so they sneer at you instead, hoping for the approval of the men in charge of the club. Because women like Raquel believe that if they bow their heads and conform, if they sneer at other women, then they will earn the respect of men. They won’t. But they may, if they’re lucky, get to sneak a look inside Congress: as long as they put up, shut up and wear a fucking cardigan.

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Posted by Tarique H. on 2019-07-14 19:45:53

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[i-am-very-very-tired]

The following is an ode to black girls who grew up in the ghetto. Black girls who stay in the beauty supply and seek refuge in the nail salon. Black girls who lay their edges with the utmost precision. Black girls who were carefree before it became an aesthetic. I write this to acknowledge you, to acknowledge us.

I was seven years old when I realized that I lived in the projects. I went to a school that had decaying ceilings with mould exposed on every surface. On the way home, I would pass multimillion dollar houses only to enter a building with pests and addicts circling the corridor. Most of my friends grew up in similar spaces with “ghetto” ass names that ended with anna, aqua or isha. By nature we adapted familiar attitudes and behaviours. We would spend our days and nights on the block revealing family secrets and reciting Destiny’s Child whilst fighting over who was going to be Beyoncé or Kelly or who could rap a Lil’ Kim or Missy verse without screwing up. The sounds of our beads and bubbles bounced in this poetic harmony whenever we would play Double Dutch. They hung firmly onto our braids that touted intricate and complex designs.

Despite our low economic status, stretching a dollar was something we did best. We over compensated in every aspect, especially when it came to self expression and creativity. My mother’s long acrylic nails curled at the ends and were always decked in gems, charms and jewels with the flyest patterns. I would watch her get dressed every morning as she slid each gold ring onto her fingers. I worshipped her gaudy beauty practices that included sliding gold caps onto her teeth mixed with the heavy usage of black gel to get her finger waves and baby hair just right. Bottles of Pink Lotion and Blue Magic resided beside her bamboo earrings that proudly showcased her name. I idolized the use of her bold lipstick choices and eyelashes that Dancehall Queens would envy. Sooner than later I adopted the essential stylings of the ghetto. I always stayed with some sparkly, dollar .99 lipgloss and a fine tooth comb to handle any hair that came out of place. My most prized possession? An airbrushed tee that bestowed my nickname, a faux Louie V purse (yes that rainbow coloured one) in addition to my extensive collection of Chinese slippers from the dollar store. My desire to show up and show out was fulfilled every time I left my house and onto the indivisible catwalk in the projects. I witnessed creativity and innovation at every stop as I admired the men and women who were their true, authentic selves without interruption. We didn’t have a lot but little did I know what we had was something much bigger — influence.

From the projects to the runway, I’ve witnessed the endless looks that have been created and/or influenced by black women in the ghetto being stripped down and sold to the highest bidder in an effort to erase its origin. What was once billed as ratchet, has been widely appropriated by those who comfortably watch from the sidelines and regurgitated into some watered down, Instagram Baddieaesthetic. Nameplate jewelry, nail art and colourful, synthetic wigs has cemented itself into pop culture without our identities being portrayed positively and certainly without reparations. A quick YouTube search reveals pages upon pages of women offering tutorials on how to achieve the following look in an effort to capitalize on the ghetto’s livelihood. Cheap clothing, risqué poses (most notably the hood squat) and an increased use of slang is often used to appeal to viewers and almost always is met with praise while black girls who reside in the ghetto are often met with resistance from the very women who emulate them. In so many words, the ghetto has been repackaged and curated to appeal to the masses whilst replacing black femmes and dark skinned women with those who look racially ambiguous.

Often times, the show stopping hairstyles and outfits that are celebrated in the hood are seen as violations in the eyes of principals, employers and likeminded individuals who have suspended or isolated black girls for rightfully expressing themselves. On the flip side, it is seen as editorial or high fashion and renamed something more palatable when women from privileged backgrounds get a hold of them. Boxer braids, mini buns or rather Bo Derek inspired cornrows (as the leader of the ‘Kultural (no error) Appropriation Brigade’ calls it) are purposely being mislabelled to diminish the contributions of black women. Various blogs like H*****e and others are complicit when it comes to celebrating women for their “streetwear” inspired #lewks ripped from black women in the ghetto. These women are applauded immensely on social media for “breaking boundaries” when wearing oversized tees/hoodies, or dresses complimented with some Jordan’s but the hood done did that. Where’s the street style features on us? Where are the collaborations? The endorsements?

This is successfully illustrated throughout the phrase “soft ghetto” that has gained notoriety on Tumblr, which actively removes women who pioneered ghetto fabulous creations/trends. The individuals who engage in this community often have the words, ratchet or ghett0 in their usernames and safely navigate in a space they redesigned to suit their appropriated agenda. The following is used as a way to consume and participate in the hood without actively belonging to it.

The ghetto has been commodified for the viewing pleasure of individuals who mock, laugh then copy the hood ‘aesthetic’ without a single contribution to the ghetto. The hood’s influence is displayed in various fashion collections and Instagram profiles that resemble the women who are consistently labelled unkempt and uncouth. Bubble coats, big hoop earrings, heavy monograms and diamonds in tooth’s are now a fashion statement for those who want to show how urban they are by channeling a black alter ego for views and likes. The recent manipulations and lines dedicated to custom designingluxury fashion labels in the form of head scarves, durags, bikinis, etc? That’s not new to us. What was once looked at as tacky is now a staple for those who wanna be down. Privilege allows these women to remove themselves from the hood yet perform an appropriated identity all the while denying black women’s humanity and spewing anti-blackness in the process. In addition, performative blackness has allowed non-black women to succeed while women from the ghetto are vilified for our existence. To sum it up, brands and numerous individuals have successfully gentrified the ghetto and continue to ignore the geniuses within it by refusing to pay homage until being called out via. social media. Even then, it still falls incredibly short.

For that very reason, I wrote this for the girls who embody every single sentiment in LL Cool J’s ‘Round The Way Girl to women who turn heads every time they step out. Girls who blast their music via. their cellular devices on public transportation. Girls who run into the beauty supply with a headscarf on to get some pack hair for a quick weave. Girls who were carefree without flowers in their hair. Girls who would strut in bedazzled jeans and Baby Phat jackets in their prime. Girls who make cheap clothing from Rainbow or Urban Planet look top of the line. I wrote this for the girls who been slaying lace frontals and long 30″ weaves with kool-aid dipped colours with the nails to match. This is an ode to the black girls in the hood, the original trendsetters.

“Ghetto is nothing but creativity that hasn’t been stolen yet.” — @JockinRonB

Fun Fact: My mama named me after watching the video for ‘Round The Way Girl’. “I don’t want Ivanna, I want Tuwanna”. Follow me on Twitter here.

[reddirtramblings]

Tour gardens are pageant girls.

And, yes, I could have used contestants in the headline, but that wouldn’t be alliteration would it? So, don’t take the girl thing personally. I know they are women, not girls, and I’m not hating on pageants either.

Tiered borders side view two weeks after the tour.

Do your thing. Just do it well.

Long view of the back garden.

Why are tour gardens pageant girls?

Each involves a lot of fluffing and fakery in the best sort of way. Think eyelash extensions and faux tans, both of which are fine by me. I adore a Fake Bake tan and eyelash extensions, and acrylic nails are great for deadheading roses–trust me–but don’t confuse them with a real garden or an All-American woman au naturel.

Red crapemyrtle really showing off after the tour. I’d need to look way back to discover the name of this plant. The funny part is there’s another crapemyrtle on the other side of the path to create symmetry, but alas, they never seem to bloom together.

A new plant I bought at the regional is actually an older cultivar. ‘Cherokee Star’ daylily. I love the brilliant red color.

‘Peter’s Wonder coleus was a huge hit with visitors. It is a very brittle coleus so keep that in mind if you buy and plant it. It needs some protection.

Both are also all about competition.

My husband will tell you that gardeners are the most competitive people he knows. Gardeners who love a particular plant are even more discerning. They will go to great lengths to get their gardens pageant, ‘er tour ready.

New shade bed I installed across from the garden shed.

My new garden shed Bill had built. This time, we used Tuff Shed instead of doing it ourselves.

Potager and new cutting gardens. I did plant some veggies in there too.

I’ve seen gardeners install new landscapes, build new buildings, create ponds–oh, wait, that’s me, or should I say, Bill? He doesn’t know it, but Bill would make the best pageant mom ever. He sees the overall woman–I mean–garden and works on improving what Mother Nature gave her. You may not remember, but three weeks before the Oklahoma Horticulture Society tour, he built a pond with a lot of help from his friends.

I could have killed him.

Cover of Country Garden Spring 2017 issue with the shed as model for my own.

Our garden was again on tour two weeks ago. The American Hemerocallis Society Region 11 celebrated its summer meeting in Oklahoma, and my garden was one of six on tour. So, of course, Bill decided to build a potting shed similar to the one in the Country Gardens Magazine Spring 2017 issue. He finished it about five days before the tour. I would have panicked, but I was too busy weeding and laying mulch. After twenty-eight years of marriage, I just let him have his head and run with it.

We painted a birdbath purple with spray paint right before.

We also installed a new arbor and garden beds.

Lilium ‘Conca d’Or’ lily

Then, last weekend, I joined garden bloggers from all over the U.S., Great Britain, and Canada for the Garden Bloggers’ Fling, held this year in the Washington, D.C. area. I strolled through beautiful gardens and knew how much of the gardeners’ hearts and souls went into preparing for our visit.

In other words, I felt their joy and pain.

Lower long border against one side of the house.

Vitex ‘Delta Blues’ with ‘Cheyenne Spirit’ and Sombrero® Flamenco Orange echinaceas.

Lilium ‘Corsini’ lily was new to the garden last year. It’s already taking off.

When you arrive at a tour garden, often the owner or their landscape designer will be outside to welcome you. They will be clean, cool, calm and collected, but that’s not the real story. One owner whispered to me while on our bus that she was out weeding only thirty minutes before we arrived. How she got inside, showered and put on makeup, I’ll never know. She’s seventy and moves faster than I ever will.

Hemerocallis ‘Father James Foster’ daylily, one of the most intense and bluest reds I’ve ever seen.

Hemerocallis Small World Lolly Pop Kid daylily

Hemerocallis Paulette’s Double Trouble daylily

Owners and landscape designers smile and answer questions as though the garden always looks this immaculately groomed. Maybe it’s different for landscape designers. After all, they often have crews to help.

Hemerocallis Harmonic Hues daylily which completely changes color depending upon the weather.

H. ‘Mystical Intuition’ daylily (Petit 2011)

[bctt tweet=”Owner/gardeners are usually a one or two-person show. I can tell you from experience that everyone took three Advil and maybe a shot of whiskey for courage before you arrived. ” username=”reddirtramblin”]

Owner/gardeners are usually a one or two-person show. I can tell you from experience that everyone took three Advil and maybe a shot of whiskey for courage before you arrived. Here’s what really happens to a tour garden before you walk through the arbor gate.

If it’s a daylily tour, work begins about two years prior. Gardeners will purchase many, many daylilies that are newer cultivars. Daylily aficionados don’t want to see older plants. It takes at least two years to increase the number of fans–individual plants–for a good show. Daylily people want the newest and brightest. Also, the gardener needs to go around and make an inventory of all the plants they didn’t label. Every daylily in an official tour garden needs to be labeled with the name, year of introduction and hybridizer. Bill and I made a complete inventory and a map of our gardens.

It took us two days, and I don’t even have that many daylilies.

For three years prior, I bought garden markers. I am now very good friends with Bernie of Triple AAA Quality Engravers. You can use any kind of label, but these are the ones I chose because they don’t show up so much in photos if you’re not looking for them. Since the tour is over, I’ll move the labels behind the clumps. I’m not really a label person, but I’m glad to have the names of various plants at my fingertips.

How does this compare to the pageant contestant? Imagine our young woman is vying for Miss Oklahoma. I’m no pageant mom, but I know several. Our contestant will be evaluated and placed in a local show where, if she wins, she will go on to bigger things. It takes a lot of hard work to get ready for a pageant and a lot of money. The same thing holds true for large garden tours. Pageant contestants get sponsors. I guess Bill and I are our garden’s sponsors.

So, after clucking over your new plants like a mother hen, it’s finally the year of the tour.

If it’s a fall tour, you have all summer to prepare. However, if you live in a hot climate, you have all summer to fail. The Death Star, i.e., summer sun can sure take its toll on a garden. I’ve been on spring and fall tours, and both are stressful, but rewarding too.

Just one of many loads of mulch I laid this spring.

This spring, I laid 135 bags of mulch–at last count. Yes, I could’ve bought mulch in bulk, but then I’d have to dig it out of the pile, and I find the bags easier to move. On a normal year, I just use my shredded leaves as mulch, but on tour, I like shredded pine bark.

Normally, I use shredded leaves throughout the garden as mulch. With the earthworms help, shredded oak leaves make beautiful soil. This is from two years ago. That border is now fully grown.

For the past two years, I’ve pumped up the garden with leaf mulch and then put on the finishing pine bark this year. Mulch is like makeup, or as one visitor said concealer. Anything that looks bad in the garden, you just rip it out and apply mulch. So, perhaps it’s like plucking your eyebrows and then putting on concealer. You get the idea.

[bctt tweet=”Mulch is like makeup, or as one visitor said concealer. Anything that looks bad in the garden, you just rip it out and apply mulch. ” username=”reddirtramblin”]

Baby oak trees from acorns abound in my garden this year. I hates them Precious.

But, first, you have to weed, and weed for months and months and months.

[bctt tweet=”Weeding is the laser hair removal of the garden world.” username=”reddirtramblin”]

Weeding is the laser hair removal of the garden world. You weed until your hands have tendinitis. You basically become an investor in Advil or Aleve, and your reward for all that weeding is a glass of wine after a long day. Those baby oak trees that from little acorns grow are very hard to get out of the ground. This year, I had thousands of them. I’ll go outside today and find thirty or forty more.

A clump of one of my favorite daylilies. It’s an old Munson cultivar.

There’s also a lot of fertilizing to plump up the garden plants.

Daylilies like high nitrogen fertilizer so I use an organic one. I like Mills Magic Rose Mix myself. However, anything with alfalfa like HuMore or sewage sludge like Milorganite will work. For pageant contestants, the equivalent would be lifting weights to get those defined muscles.

And, then, there’s the fluffling. Look at it like all the clothes and accessories a pageant contestant needs. In my case, I grow a cottage garden so my contestant needs loads of plants to fill in spaces where I ripped out nonperformers. You must also buy them early enough that they grow in and look like part of the landscape. Since my Oklahoma garden is a hot one, that means pentas, salvias, lantana, echinaceas, etc. If you have roses, you want to deadhead them almost exactly one month prior to the event. Then, they will hopefully bloom for your guests. Getting a garden tour ready takes much more planning than one would think.

[bctt tweet=”If you have roses, you want to deadhead them almost exactly one month prior to the event. Then, they will hopefully bloom for your guests.” username=”reddirtramblin”]

And, you can’t control the weather. I don’t know what to compare this to in the pageant world, but perhaps, you can’t control your contestant. If she doesn’t stay on her high protein, high vegetable diet, she may gain weight. If she doesn’t do her cardio, she won’t look like a thoroughbred racehorse I suppose. In my case, the garden made me gain eight pounds over the spring in spite of working like a dog. I didn’t have time to cook meals, and we ate a lot of carbs in our restaurant meals as I watched spring rains wash away seeds, gravel in the paths and the all-important mulch.

Hemerocallis ‘Tomorrow is a Another Day’ daylily

However, one fine June day the rains stopped, the buses came, and people unloaded to see what we worked so hard to achieve. I think the garden looked the best it ever has that day. I truly enjoyed having people over although I will never do a plant-specific tour again. They are just too stressful. My garden is a mix of many, many plants, and although I love daylilies, I’m not very serious about them–or any other plant either. I learned not to love any plant to exclusion when I lost over eighty roses to Rose Rosette Disease.

It was a lesson well learned. Diversity is always key. Well, that, fake eyelashes and faux tans.

Tour gardens are pageant girls Tour gardens are pageant girls. And, yes, I could have used contestants in the headline, but that wouldn't be alliteration would it?