#like ok no i am absolute dogshit at math

[inkybinkyboink]

i love u math people who explain math in a way that non-math people still interested in math can understand

[closetofanxiety]

Let’s Get Ready to (Review the Royal) Rumble!!

I watched all 11 hours of this thing, so I might as well jot down some thoughts

Rusev w/Lana vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

This was the first WWE pre-show I’ve watched in a long time. Lots of banter from the panel, which included Shawn Michaels. I’m not sure how often I will watch the pre-shows going forward. This match existed, and it concluded with a title change. Nakamura is your new United States champion. Lana took a bump and hurt her ankle in storyline. “Lana, get up!” Rusev yelled at his prone wife after she was knocked off the apron. Show a little more concern there, Rusev. Later in the show this would turn out to be a momentous ankle injury

Hideo Itami vs. Buddy Murhpy vs. Kalisto vs. Akira Tozawa

I haven’t watched 205 Live in forever, but I hear Mike Kanellis is there now. This match was not as sensational as I had expected, but it had some good spots. No reason for these guys to go full-tilt, I guess. They’re wrestling as the crowd files in to Chase Field, and when it’s done they go back to 205 Live. Kalisto should have won by default, as he is the only member of this quartet who weighs 205 pounds or less. He did not win, though, and Buddy Murphy remains your cruiserweight champion. In a year, perhaps this match will feature Kushida, Trevor Lee, Sonjay Dutt, and Kalisto. Always Kalisto. Poor, lost Kalisto.

Asuka vs. Becky Lynch

Although it would later become clear why this went on first, it was still a little surprising. And, to be honest, I did not love this match. It finished up very well, but until the last five minutes or so it was a lot slower and more tentative than I would have expected from these two. It ended on something of a surprise note, with Becky tapping and Asuka retaining. They’ve  succeeded in bringing Asuka back from the foggy post-Wrestlemania wasteland in which they stranded her. What happens to her now? Another feud with Charlotte? They should bring up Io Shirai and Kairi Sane and form a new version of Triple Tails. They will not do this.

The Bar vs. Shane McMahon and The Miz

Mark and I watched this entire match barely 12 hours ago, and now all I can remember is Shane McMahon doing a credible Shooting Star Press. Few things in pro wrestling are more boring, in 2019, than the state of the Smackdown tag team title picture. And now there are new champs. Perhaps this is the beginning of splitting up The Bar. They’ve been a tag team since September 2016. They’re both terrific wrestlers and have had many good matches, but there’s nothing about them that really sticks with me. It doesn’t help that they have one of the worst tag team names in the history of pro wrestling.

Ronda Rousey vs. Sasha Banks

I was surprised to see this match was almost 14 minutes long. It felt like it went by quickly. This was the best Sasha Banks match I’ve seen in a looooong time, and maybe Rousey’s best WWE match to date. She looked really good. The work with Gulak is paying off. Sasha also looked like the relentless competitor we remember from her NXT days. I enjoyed this match a lot. Based on what happened the last time I mentioned Ronda Rousey, I now expect to get several anonymous messages calling me a fucking imbecile. That’s OK. It’s true, I am a fucking imbecile, but Ronda Rousey is still good in a wrestling ring. After the match, Sasha held up the Horsemen/women sign. If Rousey is finishing up at Wrestlemania, I’m not sure they’re going to have time for the epochal Clash of the Horsewomen. Hey! One good thing about this match in particular is that Rousey didn’t win with her armbar. That’s good storytelling; it establishes her as a multi-tool threat. 

Royal Rumble (women)

The last 5-10 minutes of this were an absolute blast, with Lana being unable to walk out because of her ankle, and Belfast’s Fit Finaly giving the green light to Dublin’s Becky Lynch to enter the match in Lana’s place. Cue a recording of the Wolfe Tones’ “We’re On the One Road.” When the field narrowed down to Becky, Charlotte, and Nia, it was a great moment. I am not a big Nia Jax advocate, but based on the crowd reaction, she is the top heel in the women’s division. Becky winning was a legitimately cathartic moment, and kudos to leathery madman Vince for making the right call. Unfortunately, the rest of the match was kind of a slog. The surprise entrants were great, and I was particularly pleased to see Io Shirai, Kairi Sane, and Candice LeRae. I once saw Candice LeRae wrestle in a tiny performance space that normally hosted noise bands and avant-garde literature readings. People on Twitter were complaining there weren’t enough “Legends” among the surprise entrants, but come on. The pool is not nearly as deep for the women as it is for the men. The biggest women stars of the Attitude Era tended to not be wrestlers, which actually was kind of true of the WWE women’s division even after the Attitude Era. They’ve already had Trish and Lita at the previous Rumble and the Evolution PPV; at some point, it’s not a surprise anymore. It’s also good to build up the future than to be like “Remember Kelly Kelly?? Well, here she is for three minutes of listless punching!” Maria Kanellis counts as a legend by that math, and she was in the Rumble. That was kind of a surprise. I had no idea what she and Alicia Fox were doing. It seemed like challenging absurdist theater, like they spontaneously decided to act out a scene from an Ionesco play. Talk about going into business for yourself. Swoggle also appeared and chased Zelina Vega around with a lascivious look on his face, which was, uh, unexpected. 

Daniel Bryan vs. AJ Styles

First, let’s consider how great it is that a WWE championship match featuring two of the most popular wrestlers on the roster is in the cool-down spot after a women’s match. That genuinely rules. That would have been unthinkable as recently as two years ago. As the women get more and more popular, those Saudi shows are going to get harder to pull off. Hurry up with those reforms, Prince MBS! Haha, just kidding, they’re not going to reform their brutal autocracy. Oh, right; this match. This was a chore to watch. It was so boring. It was not helped by its spot on the card, but this listless, will-this-do performance wouldn’t have been good in any spot. These are two of the best wrestlers of the last 30 years, but sometimes it just doesn’t click. It did not click here. I was relieved when Erick Rowan made his mysterious (re)appearance because I knew it signaled the match was almost over. It seems they’re going to make Rowan some kind of eco-brute, helping Daniel Bryan advance his monstrous agenda of caring about the planet. Fine. At least he’s not dressed like a second-tier TMNT villain anymore.

Brock Lesnar w/Paul Heyman vs. Finn Balor

By contrast, this was a hoot. They knew they had to recapture the crowd, and they went at it full-tilt for eight minutes. The story here was great: Brock was surprised to find himself being pushed to his limits by this lithe little Irishman, and so after he won, he lashed out like a petulant, over-the-hill bully. An example of how you can tell a great story in an eight-minute match. Not every big match has to be 25 minutes. Especially not that dogshit Daniel Bryan-AJ Styles match. It would have been great to see Finn win, but the Irish have to content themselves with Becky’s Rumble win tonight.

Royal Rumble (men)

This moved along at a quicker clip than the women’s rumble, perhaps because it was nearly 11 p.m. EST when it started. Damn and heck, this was a long show. It was lots of fun to see Jarrett come out in his ridiculous 1990s gear. HUGE missed opportunity by not having Honky Tonk Man come out, but you can’t have everything. Johnny Gargano looked great, Andrade looked great, Kurt Angle looked very, very old. The best moment was when Mustafa Ali eliminated his current antagonist, Samoa Joe. The incomprehension and fury on Joe’s face were magnificent grace notes. Joe is such a great addition to the roster. It’s crazy that it didn’t happen sooner. No Way Jose was essentially used as a quick punchline. Boy, that guy’s main roster tenure has not been pretty. The big surprise I guess was an enraged Nia Jax coming out and entering herself in the Rumble and then taking four guys’ finishers. CUE: CONTROVERSY. WWE’s been dipping its toes in intergender wrestling for a bit, but it’s hard to see them going whole hog. Nia is one thing, but imagine the response if it was Alexa Bliss being ethered by Randall Keith Orton. Seth Rollins was the odds-on favorite to win (although I picked Drew McIntyre, going with my heart rather than my head) so it feels a little anti-climactic that he actually won, but whatever. Afterwards, he pointed to the Wrestlemania “sign,” which was a computer graphic visible only to people watching on the network, so to those in attendance it looked like he was pointing out the place where he spotted a UFO.