#like sorry forgive me if i dont fucking feel any sympathy towards an abuser just bc hes terminally ill

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commenters on utena episode 29 defending/feeling bad for ruka you all are burning down the kitchen put your phones down

[deadautisticscum]

(1) Unpopular opinion: Linda Couch : IAmaKiller (reddit.com)

My comment:

Can i just say smth? I only watched the episode today and it was actually one of the most dificult ones. Roxanne's mother is clearly a narcissit. I don't know how well people know this mental illness but she CLEARLY is. Roxanne saying that she has those needs to tell everyone everything and to tell "stories to make you have sympathy for her" are the traits of a narcissist. Not to mention i also have a narcissistic mother and it is VERY easy to recognize another one. The way Linda paused and took time to deny after hearing roxanne's rape and then, i assume lied about how she DID help her etc. Basically a narcissist is always trying to appeal to people-they can't see anything in front of them besides that need. They don't seem to feel the need to say anything but whatever they THINK will make THE OTHER feel sry for them and accept them and protect them and "be their friend."

So this is where it does get tricky. If she hadn't been a narcissist Linda might have ignored what the lawyer said and admitted to the court she had been abused. But she didnt, why? Bc they told her she'd be better liked if she didn't. Bc back then it was probably taboo still violent relationships between men and women.

And i do think Roxanne and EVERYONE, should understand this. She was at a disadvantage in trial bc she was a narcisist. Now, i know narcisists can be cruel people, men usually are horrible and violent, women usually are just manipulative and narcisisitic mothers in particular PUT A LOT of trauma on their kids and treat them the same as anyone: do the best to be liked. So, see, the first thought in a narcisisits mind isn't to help her child or wtv, it's to be praised. That is why i think ppl should really understand, Roxanne had a very bad experience in her childhood for sure. Not only her father but her mother too, and it is JUST THE TRUTH that Linda was probably lying abt "all those rapes" but that doesn't mean she wasn't raped once or twice, and, THAT'S AWFUL ENOUGH. Isn't it?

So. Linda wasn't a normal "human" to be tried and ofc back then people didn't know that, but nowadays we can easily see it, I'm a nobody and I have figured it out. The other point is: roxanne doesn't need to forgive her mother for anything anything anything. But we can see in the episode she still clearly has a lot of anger towards her mother (which is NATURAL) but in the episode it came off so...bad...because the truth is we are dealing with a very serious matter and...it's been YEARS. Linda is what 60 some now and...I am sorry if you are reading this Roxanne but you should at least understand she DOES DESERVE to get out. She shouldn't be in jail any longer.

Men who rape women are freed IMMEDITALY or after 2 years?

Men who murder women just the same.

Now, one narcisistic woman does it to a man (who was A MONSTER) and she gets life sentence? That's just a BAD and VERY TERRIBLE justice system. Not to mention, as i said, she isnt' a normal woman, she is narcisistic.

As such she clearlty needed sometime in prison. But enough is enough and, as i said i have a narcissitic mother and trust me it is hell, it is traumatizing. But for me...to in the end say "oh bla bla burrying my dad was awful"....like ok....but....as a viewer i dont care and that doesn't matter: THAT WAS NOT THE CASE, the case was just abt murder not abt whether or not she asked her kids to burry him with her. And again, she only did so probably bc she is a narcisist. To be somehow more angry at your mother, who is mentally ill and in JAIL, and not so much at your dead who is dead and gone...is just not right i think.

And yes as i was saying i am a daughter of a narcisist parent too but. She was still abused, still raped probably, she IS STILL A WOMAN WHO IS BEING FUCKED BY THE SYSTEM WHEN THEY FREE HORRIBLE MEN LEFT AND RIGHT.

So now that i've explained why, i do think it is terrible that this old woman, bc that's all she is now pretty much, an old woman, is still in jail for murdering her abuser. It doesn't matter if her daugjter forgives her or not, what matters is justice. (Ofc between family justice is also a much more difficult issue.)

PS: I DON'T KNOW how the tv people didn't bother to mention she probably has narcissism, maybe they didn't notice but regardless, a mentally ill person deserves to be seen for what they truly are. even if the illness isn't the "good" one. Even if her kid doesn't forgive her. She is still a victim even if her kid also is of her. People are complex and if the justice system can't deal with it...it's truly disappointing. And again, i must remind you, men don't get and wouldn't get half the punishment and time she did. So, if we are truly asking for fairness, she probably what should've spent 5 years in jail? Maybe less. How is it that rapists and male murderers can go free and a narcisistic woman who was abused and just wanted to somehow be free is jailed forever? HOW IS THAT FAIR.

Men have privilege even if theyre murderers and rapists. (I am not talking about the men in the show, i am talking abt random men on the news.) With that I end this comment. And if roxanne sees this i hope you the best and peace and yk...it's not your battle anymore whether or not she stays in jail.

[theabsurdistcryptid]

off my chest

I need to talk about my 2020 so far. I don't think anyone I know IRL knows about this Tumblr and I know none of my followers really care so I wanted to just post this in my own little void. I needed to let some things off my chest in this void so no one who knows me thinks i’m doing this for sympathy points. I just need to let so much out it’s suffocating me. I know we’ve all been suffering in 2020. it’s effected all of our mental health. If I'm being honest covid 19 scared me but I thought I was handling the adjustments pretty well. the worst part was being so close to finding a real makeup job just for a pandemic to start where even touching your own face let alone being within 6 feet of others was not allowed. I've been stuck at a job I've been wanting to leave for 18 months since. like I said, it was going well besides having to live with four people who all got to go on unemployment for 5 months while I had to keep working 40 hours a week at a to go place and only earn $10 bucks an hour. I don't resent any of my roommates, I’m glad they got their time off and were able to stay home and be safe. it all changed in April though. I got the highest I've ever been in my entire life and had a complete melt down in my room, like a whole ego death. everything that I hated about myself and everything that I've been lying to myself about since I was born came to. if I had a gun I would've ended it that night. I was going to ask my roommate to drive me to a pyschward but I couldn't move and I couldn't stop crying. god I didn't know I could cry like that, I burst blood vessels in my eyes and they were swollen for weeks. I've never been that scared in my life. from that night on I had extremely graphic suidical thoughts. I thought of the most awful disgusting ways to die, I thought about being r*ped and abused and it was the only way I could fall asleep at night. that's when the extreme drinking started. I blacked out almost every night in room. I told one of my roommate’s that I was planning on checking myself into the hospital after my birthday (may 6th) I told my parents too but they talked me out of it. then the protests came and I least I could channel all of my anger into something healthy. but there were at least 5 extra people staying at my house every night including my abusive ex’s little brother (he’s cool tho but it was triggering but I told everyone it was fine bc I like him) then the drama in the house started. there’s so much to go into but basically I hurt my roommate and broke their trust bc I did really selfish things while drunk. at this point i’d been avoiding food after walking for miles all day and I would mix the alcohol with drugs to get as numb as possible. I decided to spend the night at my best friend’s house to give them space but I had an out of body experience. I don't know what happened. I guess it’s because of all this built up hatred and anger I had towards myself but I cut myself up the worst I ever had. I started at the top and planned to finish myself off at the bottom but the blade got too dull and I passed out from fear. my best friend took me to the hospital in the morning. at the hospital my alcohol addiction wasn’t addressed. when I got out I decided it was a good idea to start a relationship that was already built on drama, looking back he was not healthy for me and encouraged me to stop taking my meds and he just fucked with my head a lot, I don't think he’s a bad person by any means but we just weren't good for each other. on the fourth of July everything changed. I blacked out from drinking and drugs. the next morning my boyfriend told me I had physically abused him the night before bc he wouldn’t have sex with me. the pain in his eyes. in his voice. I'll never forget it. all of my suicidial thoughts I had been suppressing came rushing back. I wasn't better and I had lied to everyone about it. I hurt the person I love. then I made him comfort me because I was actively trying to plan out my suicide. god it was so fucking selfish. he deserved so much better and he had even begun to deal with the worst of me. we decided to take a break but we were still fucking and hanging out. then I moved. his roommate/close friend came over bc I thought I was being followed. he came to protect me with a literal gun. I had been smoking a lot, not eating a drinking a large bottle of wine. he had bought alcohol too. I just remember sitting on my porch with him. in the morning I was told that we had gone back to his house and I saw my boyfriend and was so excited/all over him but he was pissed I was drunk so his friend drove me back home and took off all my clothes and started to touch myself and was all over him. there’s probably more but that’s all I was told. I have scarred my friend for life. he hasn’t spoken to me since and I deserve it. he probably has nightmares and idk it could’ve changed his outlook on sex forever. I have done irreversible damage. I very much deservedly lost a huge amount of friends and I will never be able to gain their respect or trust again but I get it. I barely left my bed. just laid there. tried to kill myself a couple more times, mostly with pills. I wrote notes and had one big plan to put on my nicest dress, and drive to the beach and slowly poison myself with liquor and sleeping pills. Angie stuck by my side and it made all the difference in the world. I told all of my friends everything, old ones, ones who live in different states, I even made a semi public apology and ousted myself. I told my family everything too, of course they just wanted me to get help. I'm staying strong now. trying to. living with knowing what I did and what I'm capable of is the hardest thing I've ever done. do you know what’s like to try to live with yourself when you already wanted to die so badly?? and now you have to live with the knowledge of knowing you did what you did. how it weighs on you. how it’s always on your mind. no matter how many distractions it’s just always fucking right there. what’s like to be finally be okay with the abuse I endured in the past, to be okay with being r*ped because I feel like I retroactively deserved it?? I believe people can change and I believe addictions and alcohol can make people do awful things but I just can’t seem to apply that to myself. I've sent an in-depth apology letter to everyone involved and even to my old roommate who I've wronged. I just can’t look at myself anymore. I feel like my soul is marked. people tell me that the fact that I know what I did was wrong and that I feel remorse means I'm a good person but I just can’t believe that. god just holding in all of these feelings has been torture. I don't tell people these things bc what I did should be about my victims (which is why im posting this on my Tumblr bc it’s private) it’s also hard because I feel like no one takes my apologies seriously. like I'm only saying it so the rumors won’t spread or to save my reputation. I don't give a shit about that, I know so many people already don’t like me anymore and I get it, I wouldn’t either. but I have to grieve with this too. I did something I had no idea I was capable of and it shook my entire view of myself when I already hated myself on such a deep level. like I've always hated every aspect of my being but now I really had a real reason to, like I'm a fucking villain.  I'm staying strong and getting better but I can't even go 10 minutes without thinking about the people I've hurt and their well being, not an hour goes by where I don't think of a new suicide plan. my friends and family are telling me I have to forgive myself eventually so I can move on in grow but I dont think I can forgive myself for such a heinous act. if you read this I know you don't know me and this probably seems like oh boo hoo poor you your life is so hard what about your fucking victims and I KNOW. I feel awful and disgusting for even expressing how this has effected me as well but I needed to let this out somewhere. I feel like im losing my mind. I'm lucky to have a good support network and im working on changing my relationship with alcohol. the good thing is I don't crave it or feel like I need. I had a glass of preseco with my best friend on her 21st and I didn't feel the need to have anymore or even want anymore. of course I've had a slip up once, healing isn’t linear but I've really gotten under control way more than I had in the past. I don't mean to end such long post on such a boring note but god I am so so so fucking sorry to every single person I have affected in all of this. I will never stop being sorry. I hope I get better. fuck me and fuck 2020.