#like the funky dance moves and how much hes cheesing it up is very good

[brookbee]

David Bowie — "Boys Keep Swinging" on The Kenny Everett Show, 1979

[lovelytonys]

100 great things about megamind

basically i just watched megamind and wrote down everything that made me go “hey that’s good”

1. The opening monologue slaps I literally do not care about your “cliches” it’s GOOD

2. “8 days old and still living with my parents...pathetic right?”

3. The idea that Megamind is inherently good since his origin story should have been his dad saying he’s destined for “greatness” but the greatness got cut off uwu

4. Literally just the fact that Megamind was about to go to the Rich Nice House and his destiny changed at the last second,,,everything about this movie makes it a cinematic masterpiece

5. “A baby! How thoughtful!” “yes yes I saw it and thought of you”

6. “While they were learning the itsy bitsy spider I was learning how to dehydrate objects and rehydrate them at will”

7. When you hear the Bad to the Bone guitar riff kick in,,,,,,heck yeah babey!!

8. J.K Simmons is here! yeah!

9. Will Ferrell’s voice acting is literally SO darn good like even just from the beginning,,, the funny affectation of whatever kind of accent that is,,,,,the expressiveness of literally everything he says,,,,,I’m not actively a fan of Will Ferrell or anything but he just did a good job ok

10. “His heart is an ocean inside a bigger ocean”

11. Idk why but I just love the phrase “you fantastic fish you”

12. Metro Man is such a fun character. Like. A hero who shouldn’t be a hero, but he just….is one? Someone who’s idol-worshipped and, despite his grandeur, doesn’t exactly deserve it?

13. MEGAMIND’S CHARACTER DESIGN IS LITERALLY SO GOOD like the vivid colors of his skin and eyes? His COSTUME? His hilarious proportions, between the giant head and the skinny & scrawny everything else? Superb, you funky little alien

14. All dialogue between Megamind and Minion is god tier by default

15. The twist on “damsel in distress” where yeah the girl gets kidnapped but she is so not distressed and has the intellectual power in the situation as she roasts Megamind at every turn and he can’t combat anything she says

16. “Oh potato tomato potato tomato”

17. “I’m shaking in my BABY SEAL LEATHER BOOTS”

18. THE ENTIRE EXCHANGE BETWEEN MEGAMIND AND METRO MAN ABOUT JUSTICE AND REVENGE AND THE MICROWAVE OF EVIL AND WARRANTIES

19. “Can someone stamp my frequent kidnapping card” “You of all people know that we discontinued that”

20. The way this movie manages to SO effectively establish character while diving right into the action and keeping with a fun, fast pace? The world & characters are set up incredibly well AND the start of the journey/ “break into the new world” hits at a brisk 20 minutes? Lovely work, Dreamworks

21. When Highway to Hell kicks in with the lasers and Megamind dancing at the police,,,,,this is nothing short of priceless

22. “Imagine the most horrible terrifying evil thing you could possibly think of and multiply it…..BY SIX”

23. When you’re a supervillain who takes over the city and you say “let’s just have fun with this” to the citizens

24. *whispering behind the door* “now slam the door really hard!” *snickering like a 12 year old girl* “move they can still see you”

25. “Did you think this day would come?” “No, no not in a million years, not ever...I mean yes”

26. “That’s called a window, sir. All the kids are looking through them”

27. Crazy Train is SUCH a nice touch, the fade into Alone Again Naturally is great. The use of music in this movie is absolutely A+, MEGAMIND DID IT FIRST AND GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY AIN’T SPECIAL (jk gotg you’re so special ily)

28. The images of Megamind’s destruction & deterioration of the city are so creative and funny

29. *to a desk toy bird* “What’s your vacuum like?”  

30. “GOING OFF THE RAILS ON A CRAZY TRAIN SIR”

31. Haven’t yet mentioned how lovely the animation of Megamind’s face is! Every single frame, he’s so expressive

32. Mispronunciation of words like “school”, “Metro City”, and “melancholy”

33. This voice cast in general is so good like it’s not just big names phoning it in for an animated movie, they’re fully into it

34. Real Bernard doesn’t get much screen time but he’s hilarious

35. “Typhoon Cheese”, whatever that was gonna be

36. The juxtaposition in body language & facial expression between Real Bernard and Megamind Bernard,,,,,actually just the way Megamind’s physicality is transferred to the other characters he disguises himself as. Great stuff

37. Megamind’s off-the-walls high energy is so fun and electric

38. “This is a bad idea” “yes, a good idea for the greater good of bad” “maybe it seems good from your bad perception but from a good perception it’s just plain bad” “oh you don’t know what’s good for bad”

39. Ollo? Oh, hello

40. “I’m just yelling at my…..mother’s urn”

41. Megamind and Minion just saying “code” before things that aren’t in code. This movie is so good with its running gags, they don’t feel like “oh haha they used that joke again!” they feel like inside jokes between the characters I love it

42. Megamind fighting himself as Bernard while complimenting himself, COMEDY GOLD

43. The various occurrences of random life-altering things happening on a whim to the wrong people, like Hal getting the superpowers and earlier Metro Man being molded into a hero and Megamind landing in prison as a baby

44. The forget me stick

45. Space Dad and Space Stepmom

46. Every character Megamind inhabits always retains Megamind’s eyes

47. MR BLUE SKY PLAYING OVER HAL’S DISASTROUS TRAINING SEQUENCE AND THE FALLING IN LOVE SEQUENCE THAT INCLUDES DONKEY KONG AND MEGAMIND WEIRDLY TEXTING ON A FLIP PHONE (gotgv2 who? Don’t know her)

48. Roxanne’s positive influence making Megamind genuinely want to make the city better uwu

49. ROXANNE AND METRO MAN WERE NEVER A COUPLE! Lovely trope subversion

50. Tropes in this movie in general are so fun. This isn’t some uninspired genre parody. They don’t just subvert tropes in the exact way that you’d expect. I feel like the way that this movie plays with the superhero genre often feels unique and creative

51. Bernard’s character design kind of slaps tbh. The turtleneck, the hair, the glasses, all very nice

52. When Hal calls Roxanne “a really good looking one I’ve got my eye on” like she’s meat or something as opposed to Megamind valuing her personality…..makes ya think u know

53. T h e  b l a c k  m a m b a a a a a

54. “Maybe I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore!” and Megamind & Minion’s subsequent falling out that served as a precursor to the disastrous date with Roxanne- it happens pretty much exactly halfway through the movie. Some people look down upon following structure to a T, but sometimes it’s satisfying when a movie perfectly follows structure and this movie’s structure is flawless

55. “Good luck on your date” “I will” “That doesn’t even make any sense” “I know”

56. Right after fighting w Minion when Megamind looks in a cracked mirror and frowns at his reflection but then changes into someone else, into Bernard, and then smiles? THE CINNAMON TOGROPHY, THE STORYTELLING

57. When Hal is just an incel whose feeling of entitlement is framed as disgusting and he’s not supposed to be sympathetic and Roxanne’s rejection of him is not framed as evil but rather completely justified? VERY epic of them, this movie would have SMASHED the pop culture scene if it came out today

58. The GRAVITY of the part when Roxanne accidentally reveals Megamind in the restaurant is so powerful that I can STILL barely watch it even though I’ve seen it so many times

59. The part that immediately follows where Roxanne shuts down Megamind is SO well done. Roxanne is giving out some harsh words to our dear protagonist, but she is not framed as the bad guy. The great thing about this scene is that they let Roxanne call out Megamind on how he’s been a jerk and she gets to be RIGHT. How very cash money of them! The emotion here isn’t anger at Roxanne because she’s ~being mean~ to Megamind. It’s a sting over the fact that she’s right, and the heartbreak over the dramatic irony of us knowing that Megamind is becoming a better person and Roxanne having no idea. Now Megamind is left with a decision that will show who he truly is on the inside: he could either retreat back into safe, evil ways for the rest of time because it’s easier to be bad because then no one expects anything from him and rejection is easier to handle, or he could ultimately choose to grow from this and recognize how he was wrong and how he has to change. The execution of this midpoint is exemplary.

60. “Do you really think I’d ever be with you?” “....no” the delivery of those lines is so good

61. “You were right! I was….less right!”

62. The Black Mamba is a god tier costume and the fact that it has its own theme song in the score makes it at least 6x better

63. WHEN BACK IN BLACK KICKS IN YEAAAHHHH (Iron Man who? Don’t know her) (Iron Man was already out at this point but how fun is it that this movie used TWO iconic mcu songs)

64. Megamind in the giant suit playing with cars

65. Hal SUCKS I love how much the movie wants you to hate him

66. The difference between Megamind and Hal/Titan/Tighten is so interesting to watch. How Megamind is the self-proclaimed “bad guy” but he’s not even out to do serious damage & it’s just a game to him, while Hal is out for blood but was created to be a hero

67. “Now it’s time for witty banter” “AAAAAAAAA” “I’m not really sure where to go with that”

68. “I’M CALLING A TIME OUT”

69. Twisting the Kryptonite trope by having Metro Man make up the copper weakness

70. “Does he have a hideout? A cave? A solitary fortress?” lol I understood that reference

71. “OW! MY GIANT BLUE HEAD!”

72. Metro Man’s confession scene is so good. Really, how often do you get a hero who feels that he was forced into being a hero? That’s usually a villain trope. Does the hero ever realize he doesn’t want to be a hero….and actually quit FOR GOOD? Again, the trope subversion is awesome

73. “I have eyes that can see right through leaaaaaaaad” that’s my favorite song

74. “You left the city to HIM! No offense” “no I’m with you”

75. “There’s a yin for every yang. If there’s bad, good will rise up against it.”

76. “I say we just go all GANGSTA on him” ms tina fey i would die for you

77. Megamind turns himself in to the police, the fact that he willingly submits himself to the punishment of being a villain at this point is a lovely and stirring way of showing the sense of justice he has deep down and showing his character development

78. When Roxanne gives Megamind a desperate & compassionate pep talk over live tv no matter what it means for her reputation :*))

79. When Megamind has 88 life sentences

80. “I. Am. Sorry!” *dramatically slides down door*

81. Megamind’s heartfelt and regretful admission of all his mistakes that brings his character arc to a head? Lovely

82. “Good luck” “WE’RE GONNA D I E! Hahahaha!”

83. “There is no Easter bunny, there is no tooth fairy, and there is no queen of England.”

84. MEGAMIND’S EPIC ENTRANCE BY COMING OUT OF HIS OWN MOUTH

85. “Oh you’re a villain alright. Just not a super one.” “Oh yeah? What’s the difference?”

86. P R E S E N T A T I O N

87. METRO MAN THUNDER CALVES

88. Again with the green eyes continuity! Love that!

89. “Going somewhere? Besides jail?” *flies in a fancy pose*

90. When Megamind is ready to let everyone think Metro Man is back but Roxanne wants to see the real hero :*))

91. “This is the last time you make a fool out of me!” “I made you a hero, you did the fool thing all by yourself” SICK BURN

92. “There’s a benefit to losing. You get to learn from your mistakes”

93. WHEN THE DEHYDRATION GUN COMES IN CLUTCH

94. Minion being a drama queen lol comedy peaked in 2010

95. Minion’s Little Face

96. “GET BACK YOU SAVAGES” “Sorry he’s just not used to positive feedback!”

97. “Destiny is not the path given to us but the path we choose for ourselves”

98. When Megamind gets to parallel Metro Man’s entrance from the beginning of the movie and everyone cheers for him :*)) and he adds his own fun little twist by making a villain joke

99. “Megamind, defender of Metro City” “you know? I like the sound of that!”

100. Name a better villain to hero story. YOU CANNOT. Cinematic excellence. I am never disappointed.

[tinytouristtakessf-blog]

The last chapter in SF

Jan 25th, 2020.

An Introduction.

In 2017, Jess was introduced to our quiet, oversized, and mainstream lives... Little did we know, that everything was about to change. The winds swirled overhead as she landed and within a couple weeks our loud, mini, hippie-witch-grandma-babe became ingrained in our lives! 

Coming in hot with a list of must-see, -try, -listen, -taste, -climb items for SF, Jess managed to keep us busy trying new things and living our best fun-sized life.

In honor of one chapter coming to a close (and another very exciting one just beginning!!), we want to take a look back at some of the beautiful moments you’ve helped us create! Thank you for being a part of our lives in San Francisco, and we are so excited and proud of you for making big moves across the seas in New Zealand! Don’t forget us and please come back to re-visit your San Francisco community soon 😻

Love,

Everyone

Credit: (always) Inspired by the TinyTourist

2017

Let’s take a walk down memory lane back to 2017...

Enter 2017… when some of us all met Jess Tilles for first time. Something we may be too old to do but in our early 20s we were able to stick through 9 hours of drinking. Santa Con was the day into the night we were all obliterated… but Santas and mistletoe and FUN! We all look very youthful, oh what a few years in SF has done to our age. It was also one of the first and last times we all decided to go out in the Marina, and then proceed to eat Italian Homemade food. The beginning of an era!

Meanwhile at work... Jess quickly becomes a driving force of work parties with Holmes (and Eva and Jess discover they are both proponents of Bell sleeves). Of course Jess=where the party @ after having met most of the team at a highly questionable night tearing up the Castro prior Olga’s birthday.

Celebrating big moves to the bay, Jess, Shiri, and Leeza united in the gorgeous SF winter on Hattie St Balcony (a local’s hidden gem). It was then that Leeza and Jess instantly realized they were meant to meet and pursue all the best indie-folk-hippie music together. The rest of the concert saga is history!

2018

March 2018 

Jess and Leron feeling lucky on St. Patty’s day by wearing all black and going against the mainstream in classic Jess fashion.

April 2018

Jess and Eva jamtfo to Penguin Prison at at their favorite SF venue, The Independent on Eva’s bday. They groove from the front row where Jess has zero obstacles blocking her line of site. Eva gets to hold the gee-tar.

Parisa's first day in SF! A messy deep dish experience could only be ended with a super fun barcade.

August 2018

For many of us, it was our very first overnight backpacking trip that hot summer weekend in July. Leeza had on the heaviest pack and powered ahead of the group (per usual), while the rest of us fumbled behind. We all kept enthusiasm high and it was a glorious moment when we 1) dipped into the freezing cold water at the end of day one and 2) when we finally took our packs, shoes and socks off at the end of the hike, and we all agreed that we would not do that trail again if someone paid us a million fat ones. Such a memorable trip- it was a great shared bonding experience for us to be out exploring in nature, and struggling together but ultimately powering through. Caroline was peeing every 20 minutes of the hike as usual, Leron was making interesting jokes and Shiri and Jess kept our spirits high!

Jess has her first grown woman trip to LA with Eva. They stay in Sunset Junction (Micheltorena stairs pictured) and have a romantic werk wife stay at the legendary Casa Crawford Airbnb, where their room doesn’t lock and they share a bathroom with the elderly spooky owner. Highlights include swan boating on Echo Park Lake, yoga at Equinox, eating at Mh Zh and Sqirl, unwinding at Wi Spa, crashing a mansion party in the Hollywood hills, and celebrating Lauren’s 30th birthday. Jess also very much enjoys catching up with a friend in Venice Beach.

In spring 2018, Jess made moves in the city to make friends and become ~sporty~ with Shiri in the Play Recess league. Striking the perfect balance between minimal coordination and slap-cup, we learned to destroy the competition in what really counts! Culminating in an ultimate scavenger hunt debacle, Spinelli led the group to victory! (Not actually sure if we completed the scavenger, but the memories we do have were definitely winners :) ).

October 2018

Halloweenies with our favorite Grandmama. Photographed left to right: Grandmama (Jess), Wednesday (Caroline), thing (Cole), Gomez (Leron), Morticia (Shiri), Lurch (Jack) and Pugsley (Jacob)

In the spooky month of October 2019, the Fulton Fam got together to throw our first rager - an extravagant Addams family party. Thanks to the creative inspiration of the group, we were able to pull off some spooky vibes, including spider webs, grey hair, ridiculous mustaches, and more. 

Late 2018 marked the beginning of the Fulton house era- too many nights sitting around watching Fort Night, debating Zinc in double-blind tests, and hundreds more conversations that none of us can remember… We will never forget the eclectic energy Jess brought into the Fulton house. The large batches of pasta & pesto she cooked and the lotions & soaps she brewed up. Brew hahah. As the first alumnus of the Fulton house, Jess has since ventured out to #adult in her 2 bedroom apartment in Nob Hill.

Before Jess left us, we had one last BirthRight hoorah with Jacob’s new friends. There was a peculiar guy making brisket in our oven, and handing samples around like a Costco on a Saturday afternoon. Shiri infamously used her photoshop skills to crop the beloved Leron Gil into the house party he missed. Good times!

December 2018

How could we forget the numerous ski trips in 2019 with Jess? There were so many weekends bopping around down the slopes in Heavenly, Kirkwood and North Star. On this specific photographed trip, Jess and Caroline celebrated their birthdays with a weekend getaway to Northstar. Too much Secret Hitler was played. Things got wild. Other board games were forced upon us (lol). But looking back it was a great time hanging with friends, drinking champagne on the mountain and blasting some groovy tunes down the mountain.

Over the holidays, Chinese food is a tradition… a very delicious meal at Koi Palace! While living in Fulton, there was a 2 month hiatus where just Jess, Caroline and Jacob occupied the house. Some like to call that period of time “the cleanest time of Fulton”, others call bullshit. The three bonded over diverging political opinions, bitching about who never cleaned their dishes and doing korean face masks. 

2019

January 2019

Ringing in the New 2019 Year in San Francisco with a large group of our friends was quite the experience! Great to celebrate together together at the boom boom room with some live music (but also not great that the window got smashed 😂)

One of Jess’s many ascents at Mission Cliffs! Go Jess send it! 

 Only Jess and her gleaming charisma could rally coworkers to see a concert AND have work pay for our HH drinks (thanks for the sus hand-written receipt for expensing, @Madrone Art Bar). We saw her beloved Magic City Hippies at The Independent which was funky and upbeat Miami vibes all around. Also pictured are Mary and Georgine who are/soon working in New Zealand as well.

February 2019

Always remember the earplugs! Jess knows how to concert.

March 2019

Soccer moms go to Warby Parker. Epic picture and times of Jess with the Fulton boys.

April 2019

A new(ish) face joined the Holmes Fire SF team- finally Jess and Irene’s LDR was over! This was our first team building activity as a new group and with Jess in charge of course we ended up climbing!

Celebrating Eva’s Birthday with a fun rooftop HH at El Teco on a sunny spring day!

Jess, Eva and Irene order frozen pina coladas and take in the views before a Mission bar crawl of sorts, closing nice and early with burritos from El Farolito.

May 2019

Hanging out at the top of the SalesForce tower. Pro tip, bring a structural engineer for some great commentary.

Bay to Breakers with team eggs and team hippies (aka Jess’s typical aesthetic)!

Always discussing the most important topics at work- like water bottle sticker placement! #bigdecisions

July 2019

One of the best Holmes site visits ever!!

Jess and Eva drive up North for a wine country getaway they won a while back at a silent auction. En route they plow through La Croix cans, have a rad lunch in Sebastopol and dip their feet in the picturesque Russian River. Early evening, they taste and tour facilities at Moshin Vineyards in Forestville (shout outs to that delightfully dry pinot noir rosé) before stargazing (ft. skunk!) and cozying up in a cabin suite with the movie Sideways. The next day, they have a beautiful morning walk by the vineyards. By way of Jess’ parents, they land in Ronald McDonald’s home for a private tasting. Jess learns she loves fruit-forward wines!

September 2019

The second infamous backpacking trip! **GIRLS TRIP**!!!! The time we thought it’d be smart to not get camping food and cook kraft mac and cheese with no microwave. What it came out to be was a big bowl of cheese goop, with Ella, Anna, Olaf and unicorn characters drowned in there. A big SHOUTOUT to Marie for pulling through with the fancy face creams and sharing with the group, us talking about waxing *ahem* body parts and again, Leeza leading the charge with Foxy! At night, we laid out on the benches and stared up at the stars - the night was so clear! We couldn’t stop laughing over things I can no longer remember… except about discovering the world was indeed not flat. Once again, Caroline likely peed 20 times total, and was coughing and heaving (sorry for being sick!) 😅

Jess and Eva get weird in Portland! Where they sip rooftop beers, frolick in the Nike HQ ( a mass timber wonderland), meet Big Foot and Krampus, procure free passes to a saucy community event, dance to 80s music at a goth bar/visit crusty dive bars, have a prime strawberry cough (and beanie) experience @ Electric Lettuce, savor prime Bamboo sushi, and Jess gets a cute ass tragus piercing. Throughout the trip Jess wears a lot of black to Eva’s delight #moody #angsty. On their walks to the Portland office, Jess appreciates the changing fall leaves and residential neighborhoods, feeling reminded of home on the East Coast.

Just another amazing Jill Hike ;) 

October 2019

OK - San Francisco was filled with challenges… and Tough Mudder was one of them! Although we found out that at the end of the race - you would be electrocuted - we persisted. We - as a team - got through to the finish line. So proud of everyone for completing the race! Although Caroline was the only one who copped out of electric shock. The number of times we dunked into mud baths and climbed 10 ft walls… 

Jess’s favorite time of the year and a visit from Tariq! Jess and Eva decorated the whole office to look super ~spooky~ON ANOTHER LEVEL (featuring creepy clown photos, hella cobwebs and caution tape, bloody stickers, and of course fake plastic bugs) and organized a halloween bar crawl around North Beach (@ Maggie McGarrie’s and Tupelo)!

November 2019

A big fan of live music, Jess is a great Concert buddy. Always down to explore new music and venues! This was such a fun bonding night where we got greyhounds, beers, caught up on life and danced at Polo & Pan. So fun!

Proxima Parada at Milk Bar birthday concert where Jess got a shout-out from the band! ft. a blurry instagram story and classic typos. Prior, the whole squad turns up at Hobson’s Choice over punch bowls.

HP marathon or studying for PE? Well! let's master both!

December 2019

One of the best days in December was unexpected. It started out with a simple brunch plan but ended in a full day of activities!!  New spot on polk was where Jess and Maries’ friendship began and continued to blossom!

After having an amazing meal (great eggs benedict) and hours of catching up we decided to walk back to our houses together (since we are neighbors!!). Jess was excited to see Marie’s new couch (that was 50% off hehe) and decided to come over. Kap, Jess and Marie did a long (super difficult) puzzle (connected a few pieces) and watched netflix. We order Thai food (Kap ordered us cookies) and we relaxed all day. It was a special day where the three of us reminisced about San Francisco and all of our time here. It was a day no one wanted to end!!

Holmes Holiday Party- Jess’s favorite drink was the beet cocktail 😉

Cozy three course italian dinner with wine at 3pm! Best part of the afternoon was my hot date, Jess ;)

Jess and her neighborhood park (shoutout to nob hill, the real MVP) winning Shiri over with its views on views.

January 2019

On one of Jess’s final few Tahoe ski weekends, she SENT IT down a black diamond on her first weekend back of the season. Harrison found a great photo opp for Jess, Marie and Caroline against the Xtreme advanced only sign. The weekend was filled with playing Mafia, jamming to tunes down the slope, exploring Squaw valley, having some nice Apres Ski, and getting fed some good, slow-cooked food (haha!). 

[JESS, INSERT YOUR PHOTOS FROM THE LAST WEEKEND IN SF!!!] 

NOTES FROM YOUR BIFFLES TO SEND YOU OFF <3

Dear Jess, 

Thank you for entering into my life and being saggitarius soulmates. I love that we are on the same page about so many things - planning, me-time, boys (kinda), beards, skiing, tardiness, traveling, being avoidant, being wholesome and SO MUCH MORE. I’m so happy we bonded over the last couple years we’ve known each other. I miss all the times I would knock on your door and catch up while you marie kondo-d your entire closet. Thank you for pushing me in new and different ways which you may not have realized (like forcing me to vote) and inspiring me to do good with the environment (hehe). 

You are kind-hearted, loyal, so brave and bold and I’m so proud of you for going out on this adventure to New Zealand!! I will miss you lots in San Francisco and miss the ridiculous random shit we would laugh at during out ski trips or cooking or when we could catch up at home. Thank you for always listening whenever I felt like blabbing on and helping keep me grounded. So excited to visit New Zealand and can’t wait to explore! Plz don’t forget all the great memz we had in SF!!

Love you lots XOXO

Caroline 

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Jess!!! We have done it all together and now we can add New Zealand to that list too! I’m so glad that we got to overlap in SF and I had you here to show me to ropes. I can’t wait to follow your kiwi adventures and see all the fun things you do. 

Love you lots!! 

Xoxo 

Irene 

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JESSICA. My favorite small person to kiss on the head. I am so glad we could bond over our love of funky music and skiing. I’ll always be here to make sure you don’t look like an egg on the ski slopes and can’t wait to visit you and your Kiwi men soon. You are a sweet, funny, life of the party small person who’s going to find so much success and kiwi men in NZ. Love you so much, and may the yearly backpacking live on!

-Leez

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Dear Jess, You are such a sweet soul that is thoughtful and cares about everyone around you. I’m so thankful I had the opportunity to meet ya (ty shiri!!) and get to know you over the last year and a half. I always have so much fun on our walks, breakfast dates, or ski trips (and so much more). I’m so extremely happy for you to be following your dreams (and a lil sad that we won’t be neighbors anymore). I can’t wait to come visit ya and enjoy more adventures together! Love ya, Marie!! 

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Jess - I love seeing how far we’ve come since our truss-ty mechanics class, traveling across the country and seeking out all the best from life! Although your soul belongs in a hippy world, I know you will find your people and place no matter where you land (just keep being YOU). New Zealand is lucky to be getting the tiniest force around. You will certainly be missed, but know that I’m just a WhatsApp message (or a quick flight!) away :). Excited for the tiny tourist travels ahead <3

Love, Shiri

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Blonde Meets Brunette. Relatively Tall Meets Considerably Short. East Coast Meets West Coast. Engineering Major Meets Fine Arts Major. Happy Music Meets Sad Music. On paper we might come across as opposites, but internally and emotionally I am so grateful for the rich grey areas and nuances we’ve discovered that we contain. The odds were slim for us to cross paths in this big ol’ universe,and I’m so grateful we found each other to help tame and ground the ups and downs of being-in-your-twenties. You have been a guiding, real, and empowering force since Day 1, and you’ve taught me so much. I can’t wait to see all you accomplish in this new chapter and far beyond! ALL the love to the best work wife there ever was.

Eva Slusser

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Yo,

Glad we have been able to go on a bunch of snowy adventures. Look forward to visiting your weird kiwi fire life sometime and I'm sorry I always assumed you were the mafia.

-Dave

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Jess,

It was great getting to know you even if it was only for a short amount of time. Will always remember you bombing it down that double black diamond at squaw, the hike in Berkeley, and the constant disapproving looks sent my way.

GO PRO CAPTURE

- H

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Jess!! Thank you for being the kindest soul your are. I enjoyed every bits and pieces of our friendship from Stas' lab to smoke control class to getting to bond more here in SF.

Can't wait to follow the tiny tourist adventures through this new kiwi chapter. Auckland is lucky to have you!

Love you and see you soon!

Parisa

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This post serves as written confirmation that I have previously stated thank you and please and no longer require these societal norms to be restated. Once I see you in New Zealand, reside in your dwelling and depart back to San Francisco, I will not provide a thank you note. I expect the same from you. 

See you soon,

Leron

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Jess - We will miss you, but having a friend leave SF is easier when you know theres great adventures ahead for them. I’m excited for all your NZ adventures, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous. Keep us in the loop and I look forward to seeing you in the future.

-jacob

[pjtraveller]

avpsy sentence starters, act one

feel free to change stuff around!

✧ “I consider myself to be a very reasonable uptight bitch.”

✧ “It’s about a... hungry! withholding person who won’t kiss their partner!”

✧ “Oh yeah, hot stuff! Have you read them? Have you even read a book?”

✧ “Have you ever not read a book?”

✧ “The light! I can see the light! It’s my time to move on... looks like I won’t be able to do the dishes... you’ll have to cover for me!”

✧ “Woah, wipe out!”

✧ “In the name of stuffy old ninnies everywhere, what’s all the hubbub in here?”

✧ “I just want to point out that I now hold your fate in the palm of my tiny hand.”

✧ “Brimstone and boil, this’ll have to do.”

✧ “You’re a little to kind for your own good, and a little too foxy for mine.”

✧ “Why don’t you have a signed copy of my country album?”

✧ “My adventures aren’t repetitive, they’re familiar and comforting!”

✧ “Why would you look at that wonder boy when you could be looking at a wonder man?”

✧ “It’s like a ‘drag,’ man, but much worse.”

✧ “I’m sorry. We gotta break up.”

✧ “Sorry man, but I just broke up with your sibling.”

✧ “I hated having to pretend to be nice to your partner, ‘cause I can’t stand my little sibling!”

✧ “Hey, people are trying to use this bathroom and they’re not! And I think it’s your fault!”

✧ “Does baby want some whine with that cheese? Fuck you!”

✧ “The last thing this place needs is a whiny bitch stuck in the hallways and the bathrooms!”

✧ “Sometimes, when I’m really happy, I can shoot sparkles out of my fingers.”

✧ “You look as gay as the fourth of July!”

✧ “I’m magic! I’m gay!”

✧ “When I grow up, I wanna be a Rockette!”

✧ “If that small man were to fall from a chair, he could die.”

✧ “This is absolutely depraved, I love it!”

✧ “They better remember to do my essay, ‘cause it’s due tomorrow.”

✧ “You stink! And not just ‘cause of your toots.”

✧ “Then we’ll see who checks your Tumblr!”

✧ “Oh, hey! You washing blood off your hands, too?”

✧ “You won’t get away with this, you villain!”

✧ “You guys are going to make a nice weirdo sandwich... with a side of moron!”

✧ “Oh, god dammit, (name), I think my nose got broken!”

✧ “I’m not a kid anymore! I’m seventeen years old!”

✧ “None of you jive-ass bobbies are going to follow, you dig?”

✧ “Y’all should’ve let me know the minute you heard some funky shit was going down here!”

✧ “None of your beeswax, thunder-butt!”

✧ “Sorry my partner couldn’t be here, everyone, but the Wi-Fi, just couldn’t get it to work.”

✧ “As in, get your poopy butt outta here!”

✧ “’Tis with a heavy heart that I accept this civic duty.”

✧ “It takes a real man to tickle the ivories.”

✧ “Everybody likes you even if nobody likes you anymore.”

✧ “But I need you! My BODY needs you!”

✧ “I will never throw out all the shit you bought me.”

✧ “I’m sure you will never forget how hard I rocked your world.”

✧ “So this is it? Just like this? Just a good-bye?”

✧ “This isn’t like ‘good-bye,’ this is ‘you’re cramping my style.’“

✧ “Just stop shouting, Mr. Man!”

✧ “Sometimes you accidentally kill your family.”

✧ “Gasp! What a man!”

✧ “Care for a friendly dance off?”

✧ “You feel anxious and confused. You have funny thoughts about your guy friends that upset you, and you take it out on the world.”

✧ “How were you supposed to learn to love when you had nobody there to teach you?”

✧ “Oh no. I cheated on my partner.”

✧ “You know what, (name)? We got beef now!”

✧ “You never did my essay! Because of that, I had to do it! So it never got done! And I failed!”

✧ “You’re acting way too angsty for your age!”

✧ “Oh shit! I think that kid hears me!”

✧ “Why don’t you go snog (name) or something!”

✧ “Baby, I cannot breathe without you inside of me.”

✧ I’ll teach you what it’s like to party with me!”

✧ “It’s going to eat me and I’m going to be so tasty!”

✧ “Oh, (name), you’re such a mouthkill!”

✧ “I haven’t cleaned up or showered since you were last here.”

✧ “Oh, it’s nothing, (name), life just sucks!

✧ “You might be wee, but you’ve got a greatness in you.”

✧ “For some of us, you’re the light at the end of a very dark, lonely, shameful tunnel.”

✧ “Battleborgs are shite!”

✧ “But when you love something so much, and you see it slipping through your fingers, you’ve just got to hold on tighter!”

✧ “My advice to you is: never change.”

✧ “Once we’re burned, we’re toast.”

✧ “Nobody told me to dab!”

✧ “She was gross! She didn’t even have a nose!”

✧ “Bebop was fit!”

✧ “But she was beautiful on the inside, and that’s why you loved her so much!”

✧ “I never liked that Ms. Piggy character one bit.”

✧ “What kind of drugs are you on?”

✧ “I don’t like SNICKERS!”

✧ “I’m gonna kick your butt so hard you’re gonna burp out farts!”

✧ “I never was, and I never will be, your friend.”

✧ “I hate you.”

✧ “At last I know exactly where I stand.”

✧ “You are just a shadow of a tale from years ago.”

✧ “Oh babe, you really shine!”

✧ “You just need to be the main character of everyone’s life, don’t you?”

✧ “We’ve all moved on. Why can’t you?”

✧ “Welcome to my nightmare.”

✧ “You may not be popular anymore, but people still need your help!”

✧ “There was a time when I was happy.”

✧ “There was a time when things were fine.”

✧ “I’ve fallen from up high. The world has said good-bye.” 

✧ “I’m not the answer.”

✧ “I’m just going nowhere faster.”

✧ “That hero’s gone.”

✧ “Who would care about a loser like me?”

✧ “How did life become one disaster?”

✧ “SPARKLES!”

✧ “Wizard god, help us all!”

[naomi-owens]

guess who’s expecting!

who? Naomi Owens & Amy Taylor where? Janey Taylor’s Wedding when? February 16th, 2019

Weddings, at least for Naomi, has always been one of her favorite things. There was something about the affair that brought out the best mood in every single guest — love was in the air, who couldn’t be swept up in the romance of it all? The ceremony was near perfection with a pair of vows that moved Naomi to tears, while the spacious venue the guest relocated to blared with funky music and dancers moving around the dance floor was laughs on their face. By then Naomi had tore herself away from the table she shared with Michael and her brother, moving on toward the snack table before the dinner would be served. Scanning across the plates offered up, Naomi grabbed a few cubes of cheese to pop into her mouth, though immediately scrunched her nose. “Well, I guess I ain’t a fan of spicy jack anymore.” She laughed as she noticed Amy approach her side, right around the time she swiftly crumbled up the cheese into a napkin to quickly throw away. “Babe!” The brunette then grinned, turning around to face Amy, clad in her pink wrapped dress. “This is so gorgeous.”

Although the wedding had been in the works for a few months only, when the day finally rolled around, Amy breathed out with relief. Finally, it's here. Someone might have thought she was overwhelmed and annoyed with all the planning and all the conversations that have been had over the past few months, but it wasn't that which held her breath to ransom in her chest. It was that finally, after all these years, Janey Taylor would make her happiness official once more. Whatever the differences the eldest child had with her mother, it was ultimately all she wanted for the woman that had given birth to her: happiness. And though Amy would be the first to say having a man did not equate a happy life, she was glad that her mother would no longer be alone. Legally, emotionally, or in any other way. That, however, was not where her mind was at as the day progressed into the evening and the party was in full swing. No, something else had kept her mental gears busy and preoccupied, lurking for a private moment with her oldest friend. Something she had mentioned that morning as she was helping the Taylor girls with their makeup, and traces of which she had noticed throughout the day, now that she had been made aware of them. Finally spotting her friend on her own by the snack table, Amy did her best to sashay over to her, the sage green of her dress and the matching clutch holding three (3!) different pregnancy tests, helping her blend in with the background. "Having fun?" Amy wondered with a smile on her lips, taking a quick look around the room. "Mom's outdone herself. You know she basically planned this whole thing on her own? I'm amazed." Yes, the kids helped run errands, but it was all at Janey's directive. "I kind of need to talk to you, though. Can you come with me to the bathroom?"(edited)

“Oh, totally.” The teacher laughed, before feeling the surprise take on over. “Your Mom did all this? Does she want to hand over that planner and mojo whenever I get hitched? Because... damn.” Naomi complimented as she allowed two large hues to scan over the crowded venue once more — it was no secret that the wedding she was planning once before it went up in flames was very similar to the idea, but this was all she could ever want herself. A warm ceremony to officiate a love, followed by a rowdy reception where nothing else could be heard other than laughter and good music. “Now we know how spectacular yours and Aubrey’s is gonna be.” The brunette then winked, loosely clasping her hands together in front of her. The night was going on perfectly without a hitch, so when Amy opted for a ladies room break, Naomi simply chuckled and ducked to gather some material of her dress so it wouldn’t drag on the ground. “Of course. I actually need to fix some smudges anyway.” She gestures toward her lashes, thinning nothing of the suggestion before she was twisting to head toward the side exit with Amy. “Everything okay?”

It was impressive, Amy agreed. Not only did Janey know what she wanted, but she knew how to get it, too. No vendors could persuade her otherwise, and it showed in every carefully chosen detail, every delicate flower that adorned the tables spread out throughout the room. And Janey Ta─ Madison, now─ shone like the brightest star in her gorgeous, yet simple and appropriate white dress, holding her new husband by the hand as if they had only just gotten together. Which, in a way, they did, Amy admitted to herself, smiling at the newlyweds dancing not too far away from them. "You know she's gonna make herself an honorary planner whenever you find the man that deserves all the goodness you've got to give." The two families had been so closely intertwined that, yes, Janey Madison would 100% be involved in the planning of Naomi's wedding (if only to drag Pamela away before Naomi lost her nerves entirely and strangled her). Warning flashed in Amy's hazel eyes, a decided shake of her head discarding the idea of a wedding happening any time soon. "Let's not talk about those, not even hypothetically." Lacing arms with Naomi, the two of them adorned in their gentle pink and green dresses like heralds of spring amidst the winter themed décor. "I don't know yet. You'll tell me in a few minutes." The ominous tone of her words could not be avoided as they reached the restroom, and Amy set out to check all the stalls and make sure they were all empty.

Amy did have a point, not that Naomi had minded all that much. With how intertwined the two families had become to be over her entire life there was no doubt a Taylor hand would be played with her big day. Not only Janey, but she always envisioned Amy to be one of a few girls to be standing up there with her as she exchanged her vows. The smile that was on her face because of it didn’t even disappear as they made their way through the venue. “You say that like it’s a bad thing. Your Mama is just proving she’s a genius.” Naomi laughed as she walked along beside Amy, unable to help the eye roll that followed suit. If she knew Amy Taylor well enough by now, she knew the idea of her being thrown in a white dress was almost as dreadful as a natural disaster tearing up the town. It wasn’t that it wasn’t possible — but that more or less happened on Amy’s terms. “Well, you better duck and cover when you wait out there for the bouquet toss.” The teacher winked, before slipping into the bathroom. She didn’t pay much mind to it as she moved toward the mirror and began the original task she had in mind, but the twinge in Amy’s rasp had her brows furrowing together. That, coupled with the suspicious way Amy has checked the stalls, had Naomi turning away from the mirror to look toward her friend. “Okay, now you’re being a total weirdo.” Her brows furrowed. “What are you so amped up over?”

"Girl," Amy said, shaking her head at the thought, "you know I won't even be in that lineup. I'll conveniently have to deal with an emergency when she tosses the bouquet and I'll let you and Bree fight over which one catches it instead." Okay, so, maybe avoiding the ordeal was pushing it, but Amy would certainly try to remove herself from the trajectory of the flowers that would quite possibly be aimed at her. Between Wes having a child when he was eighteen, and Amy losing her loved one at the age of seventeen, the Taylors had yet to celebrate or crown one of their kids tying the knot. And Bree was just too young. I mean, twenty-eight is ridiculously young, right? Or so Amy's inner protective sister thought. That, however, was neither here nor there as the subject matter Amy wanted to discuss had nothing to do with any of her family. Having made sure no curious ears would be listening in on the conversation she was about to have with her childhood friend, Amy joined the doe eyed woman at the mirrors, setting her purse down on the sink. "Okay, so, remember how you came earlier today and you were feeling all weird and wonky? And you've mentioned being sick a few times in the last few days?" She began, hesitant, for once beating around the metaphorical bush. "It got me thinking and..." She reached into the little purse matching her dress, drawing out three different pregnancy tests sans their original packaging because it wouldn't fit that way. "Can you just humor me and take these? Or at least one of them?"

“Oh, you’re funny. You act like I’m not going to be dragging that booty out there with me. It’s tradition!” If Amy knew her as well as she said she did, she would then know that Naomi was a stickler for traditions. She even went as far as pointing her fingers into the mirror so the reflection was technically pointing to the other brunette when she spilled the space beside her. Returning her attention back to the mirror and leaning in close to adjust a smudge, Amy’s words at first seemed rather casual, and Naomi didn’t think much of it. “I’m beginning to think it was the bad case of taco Tuesday.” It didn’t seem reasonable, but Naomi laughed it off anyway. There could only be a handful of explanations, right? But those tests came into view out of the corner of her eye, and Naomi stalled immediately, looking over toward her friend. At that point, she actually couldn’t help the hard laugh that escaped her mouth. “Amy, what?” She laughed again, shaking her head. “You’re kidding. Seriously...?” Her body then turned toward her friend. “There’s no way.” It wasn’t the most far off thing in the world. If Naomi stood witness to Amy going through similar signs, she would swear up and down she was about to be an auntie to be. Naomi just stood by the fact that she knew her body and would have known, as one little slip up in the past month wouldn’t have granted her... well, a child. Her brows creased together and she immediately reached out to grasp one of the tests, holding it up. “You went out and bought three tests? You psycho.” She shook her head, laughing. “They’re going to be all negative. It’s just an off week.”

Not only did Amy know Naomi had great respect for tradition and wouldn't dream of breaking this particular one, she also knew Naomi would make sure Amy was stood beside her for the bouquet toss, leaving not even a sliver of possibility for the older brunette to duck away. Not that it would stop Amy, who saw herself as far too serious for these things in the first place. "Mmm, we'll see about that," she shrugged her shoulders, not really eager to get into it when she knew she'd lose, no matter how stubborn she was. A bad case of taco Tuesday could explain some things, but not the fact that it was now Saturday and Naomi had been acting off all the while. The laughter that spilled from her friend's mouth wasn't unexpected, and Amy greeted it with stern seriousness, the three tests unflinching before Naomi. "I'm not kidding. Do you know who called Iris's pregnancy first? This girl," she pointed her thumb at herself. "I have my reasons to suspect, and if it turns out I'm right, I'll be a truffle pig for pregnant women, but that's a bridge I'll cross when we have the results." Wide-eyed and a little outraged by Amy's suspicion, Naomi, however, broke through her disbelief and finally agreed. "I'm not a psycho, I'm just thorough! These things aren't 100% certain, so if they all show the same thing, I figure I'll believe them. So come on, thank god you've had all that bubbly out there," Amy joked, making a mental note to keep Naomi away from the champagne chutes once they got out of there if it turned out that her friend was wrong.

It was a little difficult to even begin to take Amy seriously when she was holding those three pregnancy tests before her, picturing her best friend roaming the drug store looking for the best brands, with a look on her face that told Naomi there was no avoiding this. There was literally no way that this could happen, Naomi was probably the most careful woman there could be, but this kind of thing didn't just happen to her... At least not without a whole lot of planning on her part, and she really didn’t plan something like this. The laugh that left her mouth was a bit sarcastic as much as it was genuine, since she did actually find this entire thing humorous. But if this would amuse Amy, so be it. “You’re still a little crazy. You’re at your mom’s wedding, and you have three pregnancy tests stuffed in your purse! What if Cass found these?” Her brow arched, though she plucked them out of her grip anyway. To humor her, she would just do it. “Yeah, well, Iris also had a fiancé and was totally fertile with the second kid after Sophie. This is you just being totally paranoid.” With that, Naomi set her little clutch down near the table underneath the mirror and actually went for the bathroom stall to have a little privacy to do the deed and the business. For the next minute or so the only thing that could be heard was ripping of a few packages, humming to distract herself, before a quick flush and Naomi was pushing the door open with her heel as she was carrying the dried tests wrapped with torn off tissue. “You’re going to be severely disappointed, I hope you know..” Naomi deflected as she moved to set the tests down on a paper towel, then run her hands underneath the water to wash. “You totally made me pull a Snooki at your mom’s wedding!”

[scrumptiousalpacadeer]

Hope Begins!.. Kon-Tiki Joe’s Party in the (Car) Park

‘There’s something happening somewhere, I just know there is, You can’t start a fire, you can’t start a fire without a spark, This guns for hire; Even if we’re just dancin in the dark...’  Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In The Dark 

And so dear readers, it happened... On Sunday morning I awoke with glorious sore knees and achy legs and a most unfamiliar feeling that I’d partaken in some vigorous exercise the night before... Foggy headed and thirsty, the joyful remembrance ebbed into my mind;  six months of isolation, lockdown, anxiety, loneliness and confusion were at an end...or, it was the beginning of the end, because, dear reader, on Saturday night I PARTIED HARD!!!... Oh I partied long and hard; I danced and danced, and never had I felt such joy and relief at the feeling of human flesh dancing near me...and to feel the beat...and to drink elderflower gin with lemonade... - 

My dear friend, Phil, free, wild, brilliant Phil, texted me on Saturday to inform me he’d set up a pop up Nightclub called Kon-Tiki Joe’s Bamboo Bar with surround sound speakers at his place. Phil’s place isn’t your ordinary place; he lives,  writes, and works his magic in a van which at this particular time is parked next to Forest Row Fire Station. He manoeuvred the van for party purposes; aligning it exactly one metre from a low wall, and two metres from a facing wall. The green lights above the exit door of the facing building served as funky neon lights. 

He fashioned a ceiling with bamboo sticks stretched from the van roof to the wall and black tarpaulin. He wrote huge name tags in Sharpie for the ten friends invited - upon arrival I was given my name and a laundry peg to attach it to my person. Two large speakers were placed outside; tea lights were lit... The party was to begin at 9 pm.. 

I arrived not without a great deal of trepidation; in fact I was a mixture of heady excitement and terror. I mean, I hadn’t socialised for half a year - I mean, I’d had an illegal tea on my friend’s porch, but a ‘party’ - this was too much...how do you do it? Surely I’d make a proper nob of myself -..

Phil had given instruction to ‘BYO Playlist’ and so I bolstered myself with a last minute composition of a 80s dance/funk/house/soul playlist... Fingers crossed it would be to everyone’s taste..but surely kicking off with California Soul wouldn’t fail?...I cuddled my cats goodbye, checked myself in the mirror... I was ridiculous, but I would do. I would step into the new world. I would go to the party.. 

As I parked behind Phil’s van in the dark I heard the comforting sounds of his Scottish cussing - there was no life or light around; only the night approaching. The stars weren’t yet out. 

I offered up my Playlist, my home-made cheese-cake, and my bottle of lemonade and was given a plastic glass of gin and lemonade. I sat on the wall, a raw sixteen year old, next to Simon, a grand musician in a cap; he’d grown a beard since I last saw him. It was so good to see him - alive. Who would arrive? Would they turn up?...Who would I share this 3m square concrete space with?

It’s a funny thing; it happed very quickly... A glorious blond beauty arrived; Stephanie. We shook hands and sat together on the wall. And then another glorious lady arrived; a woman who didn’t stop smiling all night; Kelly... And then a man dressed in a very smart black shirt and trousers arrived; a Frenchman called Michelle who grew up around the flea markets of MontMartre. 

I started the playlist. And o the hunger to dance and be free!...For within 5 minutes we were all dancing; we jumped all the small-talk and just got to it...Humans need to get together and get rhythmic and clearly we six were thirsty. And so we grooved, we grooved in that small dark beautiful space, and, well, we didn’t really stop for 5 hours.. I think it was with Kid Creole’s ‘Annie, I’m Not Your Daddy’ that the joy really kicked in.. 

But I think the full music adrenalin rush came in with Jaydee’s Plastic Dreams..a haunting massive sound from early 90s. Somehow we all rose up with that..the space opened up and the stars began to emerge above our heads. 

There’s something very gorgeous about watching people dance - I could have watched Kelly and Stephanie dance all night; at one point I sat on the steps of Phil’s van and just took it all in -...this was a night, at times, I didn’t think would ever happen - in the most claustrophobic of these cocooned times I could fantasise about Summer air and funky grooves and my fellow man. But this was actually happening; Stephanie, with her golden hair flowing and flashing, funking out like there was no tomorrow, and Kelly in her black puffer jacket, shaking her thang in the most ever-fluid elegant style. It was like watching something completely effortless and complete.. And we knew nothing of each other; we all came to Phil’s mobile nightclub alone, un-coupled, with our different stories....but none of that. All that mattered was that we were human and we had one singular purpose; to get down; to herald in the new free epoch in our own small way. 

There were antics; Phil did some impossible comical turns with a stool - at one point levitating mid-air and then stacking it on the concrete floor; he did the moon walk on the low wall and got his foot stuck in the tissue box (kindly provided for our toileting needs....). At one point Michelle did an impressive ‘climb the wall’ dance - reminding me, dressed all in black as he was, of the Bond-style Milk Tray Man. At one point two bamboo sticks fell on my head, precipitating the full collapse of the ceiling. It was frickin’ hilarious. It was all frickin’ hilarious. I haven’t laughed so much or so hard in such a long long time. 

Michelle requested ‘French Kiss’ by Lil’ Louis - us girls watched the men act up as the orgasm kicks in...and I wonder now, had anyone been walking past our little nightclub on Saturday night, they would no doubt have raised an eyebrow at that point and probably been very jealous..

Later on, Phil made us tea - hot typhoo with caster sugar. And then, somehow, we knew in that way you know, that the party was over, for now.... We said our goodbyes, and what a pleasure it had been...and bid farewell to our dancing partners. 

Many people are asking what the ‘new world’ will look like; feel like. I hope it feels a lot like Kon Tiki Bob’s Pop Up; where people are welcomed with a huge name tag and a beverage; where there are no masks; where there is much music and people move and shake however they are inclined; where we speak little of the C word or what has passed, where we only offer ourselves up with out bodies to a new future; and where the stars come out to join us whilst bamboo sticks fall on our heads... 

Dear Readers, thank you for reading and I wish you many joyful Party in the Parks! xx 

And thankyou Phil - this one’s for you! 

[multipleforks]

Pujol put Mexico City on the foodie road map when it made Pellegrino’s list of the top 50 restaurants in the world as #20 and as #4 in Latin America’s top 50 restaurants. Attention of the restaurant grew even further when it was featured on the Emmy award winning series, Chef’s Table on Netflix. Everywhere you turn now it seems Mexico City is making its mark on the worldwide food scene. From delicious chocolate mole sauces at restaurants like La Capital in Polanco to the local taco street vendors, it’s easy to find delicious, mind blowing food at reasonable prices. Fortunately for me, a foodie friend of mine from the NYC metro area moved to Mexico City about 10 months ago and dove head first into the restaurant scene the day he arrived, and still hasn’t come up for air. As I drove him insane sending over new restaurant openings via Eater.com, he finally said, Shannon, seriously…why don’t you just come visit? So I did. (Don’t threaten me with a good time!) Here are some places I highly recommend checking out on your next visit to the beautiful capital city of Mexico. (Before we move forward, I suggest you plan on staying in Polanco, the “Beverly Hills” of la cuidad de Mexico. This area is known for its great shopping, upscale malls, high end hotels and amazing restaurants-over 80 total). 

La Gruta at Teotihuacan: if you have access to a vehicle, it’s worth taking the hour drive to the pyramids of Teotihuacan for multiple reasons. For many, it’s seeing and climbing thousand-year-old pyramids. For me, it was the promise of eating local, authentic, Mexican cuisine in a ornate, dimly lit, underground cave. (How often do you get to do something like that?!) Anyway, we arrived on a sunny, and pleasantly warm Friday afternoon, parked the car and stood at the top of a ‘cliff’ that showcased the massive cave restaurant. We were then led down the narrow staircase, and seated towards the back of the cave next to a stone carved staircase lit with tea light candles. The whole scene felt very prehistoric and authentically Aztec Mexican. Each wooden table was covered in white linen tablecloth, complete with multicolored wood and straw covered chairs pushed into each table and beautifully decorated clay colored ceramic plates were setup in front of each potential diner. After we sat at our table, the waiter was quick to bring over an assortment of spicy salsas and chips. To start, we ordered the tortilla soup which was unlike anything I have ever eaten before. The pictures give you a general idea, but definitely does not do it justice! The bowl contained tortilla strips, chunks of local cheese, pieces of avocados and dried pig skin. Then the waiter poured a delicious hot, salty, broth on top of it. Muy delicioso! For lunch I had pollo de pipian (pumpkin seed sauce). The pieces of chicken came with lots of sauce in these beautiful ceramic pots with small bowls of black beans and rice on the side. (Very cultural and ethnic). Then we climbed the pyramids hoping to work and ‘sweat off some of the calories’. Wishful thinking my friends. We climbed up once and called it a day!

La Capital: incredible gastronomic food, excellent food presentations, great service, and not terribly expensive; this was one of my favorite restaurants in MC. When we arrived, we ordered a round of drinks to start, then decided to split two appetizers and one entrée. The lychee martini was easily the best lychee martini I ever had. The drink itself had a well-balanced flavor of lychee juice and vodka and was topped off with a nice layer of foam on top. I could have easily had 5. (I stuck with 1, I promise). For dinner we ordered tuna tartare which was wrapped in thinly sliced avocado pieces atop a significant amount of spicy mayo (apparently Mexicans love their sauces!) Then we split the shrimp tacos which came 4 small pieces to a plate, decorated with dollops of spicy aioli and black bean puree. For our entrée, we went with the duck enchiladas swimming in chocolate mole sauce which I highly recommend. Seriously, the four small enchiladas needed a lifesaving best to survive the plate of creamy and hearty mole sauce. Nonetheless, the dish was incredible. It was hard not to lick the plate clean.

Four Seasons hotel: if it’s a Four Seasons, you know it must be spectacular, and the Mexico City location  is no exception. First off, the cocktail menu is a solid 25-page book complete with lots of pictures of unique and amazing alcoholic concoctions. (Every bar needs to have this!) Secondly, the outdoor courtyard area is stunning, and since the weather in Mexico City is almost always perfect, it’s well worth sitting outside on their very comfortable, posh, cushioned seats. If that however, does not tickle your fancy (or you hit rainy season and sitting outside is just not an option), consider grabbing a cocktail indoors on their luxurious couches or at the indoor prohibition style bar. They do a fabulous brunch for $55 from 12-5pm on Sundays which includes a sushi cart, meat cart, salad cart, sandwich station, and one mimosa (or you can pay more for unlimited cocktails). While we were there, we opted to sit out on the patio, drink a few cocktails and just people watch for an hour. The drinks were fantastic and the people were gorgeous!

Cerveceria Polanquito: apparently, they are a many Cerveceria’s in Mexico City, but the Polanquito location is unique because while dining here you feel like you’re in the middle of the Amazon jungle. The ceiling is covered in fake tree branches and leaves and there are plants and trees situated all around you. What’s also cool about this place is the number of TVs they have hanging up high amongst the tree branches. In addition to the ambiance, the menu is quite extensive with lots of authentic Mexican options to choose from. We ordered the fish and shrimp tacos as a pre-dinner starter, knowing we had dinner reservations two hours later (the definition of gluttonous right here). Anyway, the shrimp tacos really hit the spot. As stated earlier, Mexicans really love their sauces and the second you order food, they generally bring you a selection of sauces/salsas to add to your dishes. This place gave us three sauces and a ton of limes on the side. (It’s such a shame my pathetic self can’t handle spicy foods! Sad!) The shrimp tacos also came with an avocado mousse which was spectacular! It was light and fluffy and paired well with the crispy shrimp and purple cabbage.

Rosa Negra: two things stand out when it comes to Rosa Negra: one, they greet you with delicious, crispy, warm, cheese stuffed pastry breads sprinkled with parmesan cheese and three dipping sauces; and two, they play upbeat electronic dance music on the weekends along with a live drummer. Between the cheesy bread, the bumping beats, and my glass of Albariño, I was all set. We did however agree, we should probably order something aside from the free ‘pan’. So for dinner we agreed to split the salmon ceviche in a coconut curry sauce and the huarache pulpo (squid). The ceviche came in a bowl made from half of a coconut and had a strong red pepper flavor. The pulpo was the largest and thickest piece of squid I have ever seen! The dish also came with oven roasted potatoes and black olives.

While you’re in Mexico City if you have the time, check out el museo del tequila y el Mezcal (tequila museum). It costs about $3 USD and comes with two small shots of tequila you can redeem at the rooftop bar. It only takes about 15 minutes to walk through, but then you can head up to the rooftop to enjoy your tequila. When we arrived on beautiful, warm and sunny Friday afternoon they had a very talented and gorgeous Columbian woman singing serenading music at the festive and colorful bar, it was blissful.

One place I was a bit disappointed in was Jose Andres. The restaurant is inside the W hotel so it has that “W hotel” trendy, upscale, funky feel to it. This location was nothing like Bazaar Mar (his restaurant in Brickell, Miami, FL). Anyway, we sat outside on large, colorful, semi-circular couches overlooking the street below. The menu itself was a bit disappointing. It felt more like a W hotel bar than a Jose Andres restaurant. We went to order paella, but that took 45 minutes, and we didn’t have that much time to spare, so we went with the fish croquettes, chicken and shrimp atop of squid ink pasta. Honestly, the breaded fish croquettes tasted frozen as did the chicken and we were a little peeved the shrimp over squid ink dish came with three shrimps for two people. What the heck is that?! I was still a little hungry after this so we ordered the fennel salad which was nothing spectacular. I must admit, that was a terrible idea, as once we put in an order for that their April-October late day tropical rainstorm hit with a vengeance, with winds gusting, thunder and lightning and wicked rains, so we were forced to go inside. The inside is small, and uneventful, except for the unique ceiling which looks like trees in a fairytale. Having been to Bazaar Mar in Miami twice, I apparently had high expectations. His Mexico City location just didn’t do it.

Have you ever been to Mexico City? Where did you eat? What restaurants and bars do you suggest? I was only here for four days, so I’m sure there’s so much I missed!

A food lover’s guide to Mexico City: five great restaurants and one awesome tequila museum Pujol put Mexico City on the foodie road map when it made Pellegrino’s list of the top 50 restaurants in the world as #20 and as #4 in Latin America’s top 50 restaurants.

[chorusfm]

Sir Sly on Repurposing Tragedy with ‘Don’t You Worry, Honey’

On the eve of the release of their sophomore album, I sat down with the trio from Sir Sly at the El Rey Theatre in Los Angeles to discuss their excitement about the new music, the breakout success of “High,” the personal events behind the album, and why they never want to be outworked. This interview has been edited for length and clarity. How’s album release week going? Hayden Coplen: Busy. Landon Jacobs: Yeah, prerelease week has been buuusy, with like nine u’s. We’ve been doing production rehearsals, a lot of running around town, and meetings and interviews. It’s been great, though. Hayden put it best a minute ago. He said, “It’s absolutely worth putting all the time and energy into supporting the album, because it wouldn’t feel right not to.” We put so much energy into making the album that it would be completely wrong to not put all that energy into supporting it as well. Coplen: Did you see the Radiohead oral history that was out? The Rolling Stone one? Yeah, yeah. Coplen: There’s that one part, I can’t remember if it’s Jonny or Thom, where he says, “We had to earn the right to go away.” That was their goal as a band, which I thought was really interesting. Now you think of them as a band that is very picky, says no to a lot of stuff, but they were saying we said yes until we had earned the right to say no. That’s a fair approach. I like that approach. Does it feel a lot different than when you released your first album? Coplen: Yeah. Jacobs: The excitement surrounding this album release has felt very different, even from things like radio interviews and stuff. The people asking us questions, there’s that intangible feeling people care more this time around. Maybe that’s because it’s obvious we care more. Coplen: I think there’s more to grab onto, honestly. Showing personality can be hard. To be candid, we felt that on the first album in a lot of ways. Jacobs: It was easier to be mysterious than it was to come across as confident, normal folks who are just pursuing what we love to do, which is making music. The making of the second album, there was no way we could come out on the other side and not feel confident about what we did, because we spent so much time on it. Even to make the songs the way we did, for me to write about the things I did lyrically, I had to take a leap of faith in some ways. The fact that Jason and Hayden were so supportive and confident in me throughout that time too did wonders for us feeling like we could really step out and do what we want to do in music videos and talk about ourselves the way we want to be able to talk about ourselves. It seems the excitement that people have waiting for the album to come out, or the questions they have about it, is a little more earnest. It seems that everyone is a little more excited than they were for the first album. Does Chase Kensrue still tour with you guys? Jacobs: He does not, unfortunately. There’s a hole in our heart that we filled with a giant plush brain, and some lighting and some gear. That’s maybe the easiest reason. Coplen: We wish they were here. Touring is hard. Jacobs: There’s a big gap in between. Coplen: Yeah, there’s a big gab between being a small band and being a band that can adequately support everyone. Jacobs: That first album cycle we were not quite kids, but I don’t really feel like I was an adult, though. This break of two years since we last toured in earnest is that exact timeline where if we’re not on the road, it’s time for us to move on and pursue other things. So we gave them a pat on the back and blessings. Hopefully we can keep on getting more gear to fill that hole in our hearts [laughter]. You’re originally from over there in Orange County, right? Jacobs: Yeah, so we grew up listening to Thrice. Jason Suwito: We grew up in Mission Viejo and Irvine. Jacobs: I remember the first time I met Chase. I was like, “You look eerily familiar.” Coplen: I was inner fanboying when Dustin was at the show. Jacobs: We went and got Mexican food with him one time, and I was like, “Dude, I saw you guys at the Wiltern!” It was Thrice, Brand New and mewithoutYou. Those were like my three favorite bands in one concert back then. I was like, “Oh my god!!” And then I’m sharing nachos that were made on Doritos with Dustin. Dustin was like, “You gotta try these [laughter].” Coplen: In between talking about C.S. Lewis. Jacobs: I was like, “Sure, I guess I’ll try some Doritos with cheese melted on top of them.” It was insane. So I know you went through some stuff in between records, which shows up on the album a lot. What was it like putting that into words and writing about it? Jacobs: A lot nicer than living in it. One of my favorite quotes about songwriting is Bjork saying it’s like exorcising demons, which doesn’t sound like much of a choice. Either you live with demons inside of you or you have to figure a way to get them out. The moment I read that I was like, Yeah, that’s exactly what it feels like. If I let these things sit and fester, I don’t find a way to creatively work through them. I like to categorize things in that way. So the album and writing these lyrics was one part necessity and another part a fun adventure of figuring out how to repurpose all these really shitty things that happened in my life into something that felt like I had purpose in. Loving music as much as I do, I wanted to make something I was so proud of that every night on tour I could go back and be thankful for the fact I get to repurpose three really difficult years into what I feel like is an amazing album. In one of your other interviews I was reading you said you wanted to write about tragedy but still have it be a fun album. Jacobs: Yeah. Similarly as I was going through when my mom died and as I got divorced, I was living alone for the first time ever in my life. I was also going out in L.A. and stuff. I was beginning to really love certain types of dance music, and dancing myself. We would go to Funky Soul Night at the Echo or whatever it was. Or I’d be alone in my apartment, dancing to Prince. I realized I wanted something that was fun for people to come and see live. We all wanted that because life is equally serious, and should be. People are always striving to have that levity, to be able to turn something tragic into something positive. The fact that we’re all still here is cause for celebration. That was kind of the thing. I have to sit and take a mental image when I’m getting stressed or getting anxious, like when we had a really difficult travel day. But at the end of it, I’m like, “Wow, that was a nightmare. But nobody’s sick. Nobody’s hurt. Nobody’s going to die. We all made it.” That’s something I’ve been constantly reminding myself of. This album, because of that, I wanted to have cause for celebration. If you come out to a show, we’re not here to weigh you down. We’re here to commiserate, to share what we’ve been through, and then hopefully to uplift each other. That’s the goal of the human experience. Coplen: I think the truth is, too, that there’s been a lot of joy. As we’re preparing for this, we’re working harder than we’ve ever worked, but we’re humming along. I have this visual like we’re above the fray. It feels really good. There’s not a lot of resistance. Everyone is in lockstep, from the band members to the team. It’s a really rare feeling. I think a lot of it stems from the record ultimately being a bit of a celebration. Jacobs: There’s a bit of magic to not taking yourself so seriously that it’s like, My mom died, therefore I have to be a sad, sappy sack of shit for the next album. There was a freedom in being able to say I still like having a good time. I miss my mom, but my mom wouldn’t want me to wallow away and make the equivalent of a Conor Oberst, drinking a gallon of vodka a day, weeping alone in my room record. That’s not the way I want to look back and see how I handled these past couple years. And, yeah, getting divorced is sad, but it’s also freeing. So there is a bit of that, too. There is the juxtaposition of the depth of grief, but I was living in a pretty free situation as well. We all wanted to reflect that accurately through the making of the record. What’s it been like seeing “High” get as big as it’s gotten so far? Jacobs: Magical. It’s the best. Apart from writing the song in the first place, and apart from making the album in the first place, the best feeling in the world is having people appreciate what you do and take it into their own. People don’t listen to music lightly. Some people do, but a lot of people are very specific about the kind of music they choose. It means a great deal to them. People are proud of their music tastes. In order to break through that barrier and have so many people love the song, it’s even nicer now that I stop and think. Everybody has their own unique taste and it’s really cool to be accepted that way by so many different people. It’s great. Coplen: Today I was doing an interview on that same point. We ended up talking about people disliking songs. When we wrote it, we all had a very good feeling about “High.” I brought up the example of Landon’s brother, who heard it and was like, “Oh, I don’t like that song.” Jacobs: He got through the first pre-chorus where it goes “Feels good to be…” and then the chorus came on and he turned it off. We were driving in his car. He turned it off and was like, “I don’t like that one.” I was like, “OK, let’s go into Walgreens.” He was like, “I don’t mean to be a dick.” And I was like, “No, it’s good.” If we can make something that some people don’t like, hopefully it means that other people are going to love it. Instead of it being in an acceptable middle range where everybody goes, “Eh, that’s OK music.” I’d rather have some people go, “I hate that. It reminds me of this other thing I hate.” And then somebody else goes, “I love that for these reasons.” I’d rather be polarizing than be the lowest common denominator that everybody can enjoy. Was the video fun to shoot? Jacobs: Absolutely. Suwito: Yeah, that was the funnest one. Jacobs: It was one of the hardest days. I’ve never seen a group of people work that hard just in general, from the people part of set design to the choreographer to the crew to Kevin, who directed it. All these people were running around on set, working crazy and so hard. But at the end of the day, it seemed like everybody was energized. They were either friends of friends or people who’ve worked together before. It was a really fun, open environment. And also they saw how hard we were working, too. It’s nice when everybody is in that same space together and you can look around and see everybody working hard. Nobody is slacking off or not giving a shit. Even at the end of a very long day, which was at the end of a very long week and after a couple long months of making this music video, it was nice to feel like everybody had given 100 percent. We had all worked tirelessly and it didn’t seem like there was any bitterness across the board from anybody that had worked on it. Which is a testament to hopefully the fun we wanted to have making the video and our resolution to never have anybody work harder than we work on our own stuff. I don’t want anybody to ever put us on their back and to look back with any bitterness. I want to know we gave it our all and everybody else is happy to work on the stuff we’re working on, because we care more than anybody else possibly could. What’s the story behind getting the Donnie Trumpet sample on “Change?” How did that idea come out? Coplen: That was me. There was a time where we were like, “Why did we ever do that?” And then we cleared it and were able to release the album, which is amazing. They were actually really gracious. But that one, I was on a plane. It was in the middle of writing. On a plane I love to mess with stuff, but it’s really hard to actually write. So I’m just manipulating different sounds or messing with cool drums. I was like, “Ah, let’s try to sample this.” “Miracle” is this amazing song that has such a unique feel to it. It’s very optimistic, and at the same time very morose and washed out. I ended up grabbing a piece of the end, pitching it up and using this guitar sample. In my head, it was a little bit like College Dropout-era Kanye. I don’t think it ultimately sounds like that, but that was something going through my head. Like, how warm his beats would always feel. They were so comfortable and nostalgic. It was like hanging out with an old friend or something. That’s what I was going for. Jacobs: Ironically enough, I don’t know if originally it was the pull subconsciously, but the lyric is something along the lines of “It’s a miracle to be alive.” We all knew the song, but it had been a while until I had paid attention to the lyrics. We had just been hearing that sample over and over. So the other day I went back and listened to it again, and it was so crazy. Sometimes there’s those little serendipitous moments, like that lyric is so close to what this album was for me lyrically. So to go back and hear that, I was able to go, “Yeah, that’s exactly why that sample was chosen. There is that feeling in that song.” And that goes for all the samples we use. There’s an immediate sonic and emotional pull, like, That’s this album right there. That’s that song. And we’d build from that moment. We’d never used samples before, but at the end of the day, it feels like we’re right at home using samples as a part of making an album. I think it’s something we’ll continue to do in the future. How about “Altar?” What was it like writing that song? Jacobs: That was one that started from a sample as well. Jason had made that instrumental flute thing. Suwito: Yeah, it was from an old TV theme. Jacobs: The chord progression he ended up making by repitching it brought out a really strange melody, something I don’t think I had ventured to do before. I actually had written this poem, a long metaphor using worshipping at an altar as a euphemism for oral sex. That was how it started. The poem is like three times as long as the lyrics are in the song. It turned into I had put her up on a pedestal, or the idea of love and marriage or whatever it was. I was raised very Evangelical Christian. My parents got married when they were 18, and her parents had gotten married when they were 18. My grandparents had gotten married when they were in their early 20s. It was what everybody in my family did, and has continued to do. I had put it up as this finish line, this point where you get there and coast through the rest of life because you’ve found the person you’re going to marry and be with forever. That song was the product of that disillusionment. The starkness of the lyrics informed the way we built off that original instrumentation. The ending with the tones of gospel music comes from a place of Hayden and I growing up and playing music in church. It works really nicely with the sample. That last bit of lyrics is probably my favorite moment on the album lyrically, using my mom’s voice as a monologue telling me how to weather the storm. We originally started making this album all about my fear and anxiety. We had really minimal electronic songs and these very scared and afraid lyrics. That moment is the exact opposite. It’s me talking to myself through my mom’s voice. It’s kind of like the voicemail on “Oh Mama.” I’m always worried that will make me cry every time I hear it, so playing it onstage can be a little rollercoaster. Let’s close with “Oh Mama” then, since that’s one of the centerpieces on the album. Did the idea for that song come first? Did the music? How did you pair the two together? Jacobs: That was a song we started writing shortly after my mom had died, which was March 2016. It was totally different. It started out with a different instrumental that Jason had been working on. It was much faster. Then we ended up writing a chorus for that song, and the verse and the chorus didn’t feel quite right. So we scrapped that whole song, but I knew I always wanted to come back to working that chorus out. When Jason showed us the new instrumentals, I had also recently had a dream about my mom. We were in San Francisco. It was me, her and my dad in this apocalypse type of setting. There was all this weird stuff happening, and it stuck with me. I was in the dream telling her how difficult life has been ever since she died. She was sitting, listening, but I wasn’t explicitly saying since you died. I was saying life has been really hard. She wasn’t talking, and I was like, Oh. Maybe she doesn’t know. She had brain cancer, so she couldn’t remember things very well. She had no short-term memory, so then she couldn’t form long-term memories. In my dream, I was thinking maybe she forgot she’s supposed to be dead and that she’s not allowed to be here visiting me. That was how those verses ended up getting started, and then we took that chorus and repurposed it into the song. Did you use an actual choir for the end? Coplen: Yeah, they were awesome. They did “Altar” and “Oh Mama.” We had them for a taped live performance at one point. Jacobs: That was another really interesting thing. We used a sample from the famous movie The Color Purple in “Trippin.’” There’s that gospel line from a scene in the movie, and one of the singers was actually in the movie and a part of the recording. The choir director also co-wrote and worked on it. He was like, “I know that.” We were like, “How do you know it?” And he’s like, “I worked on it.” We were like, “Oh!” [laughter] So that was another strange, serendipitous moment. It’s been really fun. When you work as hard as we did on this album, you end up running into all kinds of strange little fun coincidences. It makes the world a lot smaller when you extend your inspirations and extend the musical boundaries. You end up running into all kinds of things like that. Don’t You Worry, Honey is out now on Spotify and Apple Music. For more information, find Sir Sly on Facebook and Twitter. --- Please consider supporting us so we can keep bringing you stories like this one. ◎ https://chorus.fm/interviews/sir-sly-on-repurposing-tragedy-with-dont-you-worry-honey/

[hownottofindaboyfriend-blog]

Date Twenty One. Anna.

I’m having breakfast with a friend at Brickwood when I receive Mike’s Gif. It’s of a girl in a bikini sitting on somebody’s shoulders and dancing with what appears to be a giant inflatable penis. I don’t know how best to respond to a giant inflatable penis so promptly turn my phone off and continue my conversation with my friend about her boyfriend. She’s been with him for five years and is having some trouble with the fact that he keeps taking her on romantic getaways and vacations at ridiculously short notice. As much she asks him to pre-plan he refuses, so much so that she hardly as time to pack for the trip, let alone plan a bikini wax.

‘It’s very irritating,’ she tells me, munching on her kale. ‘Take last week for example. I hardly had time to cancel my spin class before we had to leave for the airport!’

I look at her and contemplate shoving my zucchini and sweet potato fritter in her eye. What I wouldn’t give for a guy to whisk me away to an exotic destination at a moment’s notice. If I ever do meet someone (emphasis on the ‘if’) I vow never to complain about last minute holidays abroad. I will welcome them with open arms and bask in the spontaneous sexiness of it all, not grumble over my kale salad and wish I was in an exercise class. Girls with boyfriends are as undeserving as the supremely wealthy. They have everything they could ever possibly want and need and still they feel the need to complain. I don’t understand it.

Later that evening I am at my Dad’s house. He’s hosting a BBQ for some family friends and has asked my brother and I to tag along. As I arrive at the house I feel uneasy. Several of the guests are family friends I haven’t seen since my graduation which means I’ll have to speak to them. Several others are new people I’ve never met before. Even worse.

When I do eventually put my plate down (heaped with chicken, steak, bacon and sausages because yes you need all four), my Dad tells me that I’ll be sat inside at the kids table, so I can supervise the kids whilst their parents get tipsy. I shrug like that’s no big deal and a fair trade for some BBQ’d chicken, but inside I’m rather indignant. How at the age of twenty six can I still be expected to be sat at the kids table? I pay taxes. I own a vibrator. What common ground am I going to find with a bunch of children?

I take a seat with caution, in between my brother and my Dad’s neighbour’s daughter, an annoyingly pretty girl with huge brown eyes and not an inch of cellulite on her seriously perfect legs. Most of the kids sat at the kids table are teeangers, which is even worse than sitting with kids. Kids are precocious but at least mildly comical. They can’t cut their food or pronounce certain words which isn’t exactly riveting entertainment but is at least comical. Teenagers on the other hand are moody and irrational. They smell and answer back and say stupid things because they’re angry. Making conversation with a teenager is a pain in the backside because everything they say to you comes with a dollop of sarcasm and pent up emotional anger. I decide I should at least attempt to make polite conversation with the girl next to me so that when my Dad asks me if I made an effort in exchange for my BBQ’d chicken I can at least provide a truthful yes. Any good host’s daughter would. So I take a bite of chicken and steak and bacon combo, and proceed.

‘So, um, Anna, what do you do?’

She looks at me and rolls her eyes. See? There it is. The unnecessary sarcasm. It’s dripping from her.

‘Well.. I’m about to start GCSE’s obviously.’

‘Right, of course. GCSE’s.’

I think back to the time when I had to do GCSE’s. I had curly hair then. I didn’t even own straighteners. I had braces. I was skinny. I had no boobs whatsoever (still don’t but I’ve made my piece with it.) I had a perverse insecurity about myself that wouldn’t even melt away when I was talking to my family members. I became anorexic. I stopped eating ice cream after dinner. I stopped eating pasta with cheese on it. If my mum made me a meal I threw it in the bin, determined as I was to exert control over every element of my culinary existence, to prove some sort of independence that I desperately felt I needed and at the same time was terrified to possess. See? Bloody pent up anger, it was probably dripping from me too back then.

I ask Anna what her and her friends talk about when they hang out. I mean, what sorts of things do teenagers discuss with each other these days? She looks at me and serves another eye roll.

‘Like, clothes. And school. And stuff.’

I ask her if she ever talks about boys.

‘Well, no. Like, we don’t have boyfriends. I’m only fourteen’

Well that’s good to know. Bloody good on you, Anna! Boys suck, way more than you’ll ever understand at your age. They have emotional issues so complex, Sigmund Freud cannot hope to unravel them. They have sexual inadequacies that will horrify you, hygiene issues that will disgust you and senses of humour and timing that will not only baffle you, it will probably scar you. (A guy once told me, drunk, that he found gang rape kind of funny. I never spoke to him again. I also changed the locks on my door.)

When I was fourteen years old, I had never kissed a boy. I’d never even so much as held hands with one. I’d tried to once at my friend Hannah’s Bat mitzvah but had got so nervous I’d chickened out at the last minute so that the hand that had been reaching out for his had sort of jerked out and then come in again over his body like a weird funky robot move performed by an acid tripper. He’d probably figured out what I’d been trying to do at that point and so had told me with sincerity that we probably shouldn’t hold hands, that he actually really fancied my friend and that he didn’t see us going out but that he would definitely add me on Bebo. I remember going home that night armed with the resolution that I was going to become a lesbian.  I didn't really know what a lesbian was but I’d seen First Wives Club and vividly remembered seeing a chunky female actress wearing a man’s tuxedo in a nightclub. At the time I’d thought ‘Oh okay, so being a lesbian is wearing guy’s clothes. Cool. This’ll be a piece of cake. Cool. Don’t need men, I’ll be a lesbian in guy’s clothes.’

I’d raided my Dad’s wardrobe for t-shirts and man’s belts. I think that phase lasted a day. The t-shirts were far too big. My lesbian faze might have kicked off more successfully if my Dad hadn’t worn XXL t-shirts.

I take Anna in. Her chipped nail polish. Her crimped hair. Her braces. Her cheap jewellery. I suddenly feel a pang of jealousy at the fact that she gets to exist in a world that doesn’t obsess over men or orgasms or commitment issues. She doesn’t have to worry about waxing, or coming across as too keen after a second date or whether she will die alone and have to move back in with her parents.

What had I talked about back in the days when I didn’t have men to talk about? The very thought of not having a guy to preoccupy my thinking time seems laughable.

I take out my phone and make a quick calculation. Since breaking up with my boyfriend five years ago I’ve been on approximately one hundred first dates. Of those one hundred, approximately fifty have worked out, ended in a good night kiss and a second meet up. Of those fifty, twenty five transpired into more than three dates. Of those twenty five ‘more than three date candidates’ I ended up properly dating ten of them. (And by properly dating I mean going on over and above ten dates.) Over five years. That is a success rate of ten per cent, meaning that for every hundred dates I have, ten of those are going to be of any use to me. (Or to put it more accurately, for every ten men I meet, one of them will be even slightly resembling a useful suitable companion.

An average (good) date lasts four to five hours. A bad date approximately forty minutes. Since breaking up with my boyfriend, I have had fifty crap dates, twenty five good ones and more than ten dates with over ten men.

Which means..... I’ve racked up a grand total of 670 hours going on dates.

That’s approximately one hundred and thirty four hours a year.

That’s.... 27 days.

That’s almost a month of my life spent on dates.

No wonder I’m broke. I mean, really, it’s no wonder I’m broke. It’s also no wonder that I have so little time to do any of the things I’ve ever really wanted to do. And no wonder I never actually achieve anything. These are small things of course but they’re things I want on my bucket list. Things like... learning to skateboard (it looks kind of cool, I always wanted to try it but I never have any free time. Now I know why.) Or learning how to make a tagine, properly, slow cooked and all. Or attempting to learn Chinese (I say attempting because almost everyone who sits down to learn Chinese gives up after approximately three weeks. I'm not saying that that’s an indication not to try but it’s certainly a reason to consider learning a different language.)

I also calculate the hours I obsess with every wrong relationship/break up/breakdown. I obsess about the date and what went wrong. I mull over the situations with girlfriends. I send my mum self-pitying emails about the topic until she is forced to call me in the middle of the night from Hong Kong (stupid time difference doesn’t lend itself to heartbreak) and tell me that things will be fine, that I won’t die alone, that I’ll meet someone nice and appropriate when I least expect it. Usually the obsessing time lasts longer than the actual dating time which means I’ve probably given up near on a thousand hours of my life thinking about or talking about or obsessing about the opposite sex

So I decide to make a rather serious and controversial decision.

I’m not going to date any more men. I’m not going to think about anymore men. I’m not going to do anything revolving around men. At all. And I mean, at all. Nothing. Nada. Not until I've dedicated enough time to my only self development and self esteem and done the things I want to do for myself. First I need to tick a few things off my bucket list. And get a grip on the sort of person I want to be.

On the way home I receive another message from Mike. It’s a photo of him on a lilo drinking beer. I delete the message and then his number. I don’t have time to be looking at his glorious holiday snaps. I have 670 hours of my life to make up for after all.

[plasmamagazine]

An Atlien Abroad 2

    The Flutterby Hostel is a unique universe unto itself filled with travelers and vagabonds from all over the world. The hostel started back in 2009 with the partnership of sisters Pam and Kim Andreasen. Since then they have been building relationships and funky treehouse hostel rooms to host their eclectic clientele. Reminiscent of Never Never Land from the classic film Hook, R.I.P. Robin Williams, the small piece of property filled with chickens running amuck, surfboards, a yoga deck, cabanas, a woodworking shop, a giant compost pit, and beautiful flowers. It is a little slice of Costa Rican heaven, with a sign outside that says ‘work in progress.’

     Here in Uvita, the days are long and time moves slowly. The days lurch forward until they leap into the evening when the stars come out. The Milky Way, crashing waves, a bonfire, and a bottle passed around was how we spent our first night. Then our first full day we ventured to the Uvita Waterfall and plunged into the cold river water via the natural slide that sits at the top. Next, we piled into Felipe’s two door, four wheel drive tank and swarmed the local fried chicken joint, Rapido Pollo. Downtown Uvita is a bustling little strip with taxis everywhere, the BM food market, a pharmacy, a coffee shop, a bank and a liquor store. It is the main point of transfer when entering and leaving the hostel.

     Life at Flutterby is in constant flux. People are always on the move, construction is always underway, and the tide is always changing. The volunteers living on site are Will, Mary, Bailey, Megan, Paul, Emilia, Josh and I. It is an interesting balance of personalities. Will and Mary’s calm energy balances out the boisterous personalities of Josh, Bailey and I. Paul practices amongst the Stoics, preferring a simple diet of bananas and peanut butter, perfect for studying and surfing. Emilia and Megan spend their time on the beach and searching for the elusive wifi to keep up with Megan’s Tinder profile.

     All the volunteers and staff get to rent the surfboards for free, and the beach is a five-minute walk down a rock laden road. The beach is part of the national park, so it is three thousand colones, or six bucks if you are a gringo. I have been surfing the past several days after I get off my morning ayudante shift.

     Ayudante is the "do bitch work," shift. You have got your list of tasks which include; cleaning the main tables, the guest kitchen, emptying composts buckets and then whatever different work that is needed for that day. It usually lasts from 6:30 am to 2:30 pm.

     However, back to surfing, in the afternoon the low tide waves get steep and choppy, but the experience of being on a surfboard and watching the sunset in the Pacific Ocean is incredibly humbling. The sunsets here are beautiful mixes of purple, orange and yellow and when the clouds linger on the horizon, they amplify all the colors. I had the most surreal experience during my third-day surfing. Sitting on my board out past the wave break, I watched the sunset, and in that moment of bliss I looked to my left, and there was a perfect wave. I paddled as hard as I could, and before I knew it, I was riding at the front of a wave that took me all the way back to the shore. Needless to say I that was my last ride of the day. Best to end on a good note.

     The schedule at Flutterby comes out every Monday, and they try to balance it out, so everyone gets some morning and evening shifts. Josh Peters in his infinite charm landed himself on PM bar shift for his first two days while I had 6:30 am ayudante shifts. In true Yardsale Pete fashion, give him an inch, and he will take a mile. It was our fourth night there, I am taking it easy; eating dinner, drinking beer and Josh is getting loaded on local rum. We played cards for a while and then at ten I decided to head to bed, while the crew decided on a bonfire at the beach. The next day I am doing my morning shift raking leaves and tidying up when Megan makes her way to the bar with a big ole grin. She proceeded to tell me about how Josh, trying to be responsible, left the beach early but when she came back, he was spread eagle butt ass naked in the crew common area. After taking a shower he decided to air dry in the crewcita but didn’t make it to bed before he fell asleeep. Emilia and Megan were kind enough to cover him in a blanket. I guess they like us because that was almost a week ago and we are still here. Our southern charm and our genteel vibes are taking us far.

     Cascading water and the changing of tides put this place in perspective. Everything is constantly moist. As soon as you take a shower, you start sweating again. You are always in between; wet and dry, coming and leaving, knowledge and feeling. The Flutterby is a bubble, a sanctuary for lost boys, a haven, and a cultural melting pot of ideas, languages, and adventures. Bahia is off the beaten path so, most people here aren't first-time travelers. It is not hard to find, but it does take some time. In many ways this place feels more remote than it actually is, I feel entirely removed from the rest of the world. There is hardly any internet. I cannot make phone calls. All I know is what is around me. It is blissful. However, it makes it harder to keep up with what is going on in other parts of the world. Ignorance is bliss if you can stomach it and right now my belly feels fine but who knows when this mandarina rind will mold?

    Mary, Will and I went to the secret stash waterfall Sunday the 15th. It took about an hour via riding bikes and hiking to get there. We rode through downtown Uvita, took a right at the bank, passed the liquor store on the left, conquered the road of poor terrain and faced off with Scary Gary the machete-wielding troll that lives right beyond the bamboo forest. That last part is lore, but we did lock our bikes up at the second river crossing and finish the half mile hike on foot. The river water rushed cool over our sweaty bodies. Amongst the lush rainforest, it is easy to lose your mind. It is a beautiful feeling.

    However, the bugs are huge. Things can kill you here. R.I.P. Colin Maldonado. 'Why you and not me?' Is a question I still ask myself. We both got the same type of infection at about the same time. It is hard for me to believe it is just because I was able to get to a doctor and you were stuck in the Costa Rican jungle. However, that is the only reasonable conclusion. I must admit ideas of transfiguration do pop into my head from time to time, the migration of souls from one vessel to another. It is a wild idea but nevertheless it does still wander the halls of my mind.

     However, the waterfall was beautiful probably about 20-30 feet high hidden right out of view from the main river. Before we found it, we got a Costa Rican family to take our picture where the river converged with itself.

     Surprised at the ancient Polaroid technology the abuela jumped back startled after the first picture. Then after the second photograph the young boys, about age 8 or 9, looked on with amazement as the picture developed. After basking in the glory of the secret stash, we walked back down the mountain in the light of the setting sun.

    On the way back we stopped at the La Panadaria, where Mary got some baked deserts, while Will went to the BM for some vegetables. Then on a whim, we decided to eat at Rapido Pollo. For five bucks I got a giant piece of fried chicken, rice, beans, pasta salad and a local beer, delicious. Once we awoke from our chicken coma, we raced our beach cruisers back to Flutterby. Last one there had to buy the first round. I was out 2400 colones by the end of it. It was money well spent with good company.

     Will and Mary have been dating for about two years. They are a homely couple with a healthy thirst for adventure. After Costa Rica, they are moving to St. Louis for school. Will is a pre-med student that plans on working in geriatrics. Mary has her undergrad in English and is planning on studying creative writing in grad school. They are good kids on track for a great life.

     Every Monday morning we have our weekly staff meeting at 8 am to discuss the past week, the coming week, and then we have our deep cleaning till 11. Emilia and I were in charge of cleaning the guest kitchen and the staff kitchen. Bumping Dr. Dre's The Chronic, we got down and dirty prepping for the two new volunteers to move in. After the cleaning, I took a nap to get ready for my third bar back shift.

     8 hours of stop and go food service on your feet can wear you out.  However, there's always someone new to talk to, new languages to decipher and to dance. Afterward, I drank a couple of beers with Felipe and Micco, the new volunteer from Germany and we decided to go out to some bars, but I opted out preferring a good night's rest.

     I woke up early Tuesday morning to go to a farmer's market in Tinamaste with Katie Zinke and her family. Tinamaste is a mountain town with a bustling Tuesday morning market filled with the local hippie community that resides in the adjacent mountains. The drive twists and turns up a well-paved road, but the squealing of the rental car tires keeps me on my toes. I am saddled in the very back with no seat much less a seatbelt. Todd, Katie's father, howls like a howler monkey as he barrels up the mountainside. He is putting his Tico driving lessons to good use.

    The market, set underneath a large pavilion, is filled with people selling crystals, tinctures, local cheeses, empanadas, fresh veggies, bracelets and other nicknacks. Waiting in line to pay for my veggies I struck up a conversation with Vinnie from Delaware. It was his second year in a row coming down to Costa Rica. He did odd jobs for a room, board, and extra spending cash amongst the Tinamaste community. Costa Rica draws beautiful people from all over the world to its beautiful landscape. Now for a dinner shift, a week full of work, waterfall excursions and serene surfing.

All Images and Words by Stephen Wilkins (@damngladtomeetcha)