#like they were halfway in love already we didnt need??? the half baked love interests???

[sage-greenery]

do revenge but drea and eleanor actually kiss 😳😳

[sincerely-us-imagines]

Gather ‘round children, and let me tell you a tale that exposes my true idiotic nature.

So, as some of you may know, I spent all of last week with my brother (or rather, at my brother’s apartment). We were supposed to hang out and go to a concert together but he kind of blew me off and acted like i didn’t exist, and ended up making an excuse to not have to go to the concert with me (and didn’t apologize or offer to pay me back for his ticket, but that’s not what this is about).

Here’s a little backstory:

So, I had been posting on snapchat with the location filters, and i get a message from a friend i haven’t seen (or really talked to) since graduation, 2.5 years ago. Turns out she actually lived there (it’s a popular college town), and was going to the concert too and asked if i wanted to pregame (read as: get stoned, eat mexican food, and listen to tmg) and ofc i accepted. It had been a while since we’d hung out, and even in high school we weren’t that close, so it was a little awkward at first, but we both loosened up and ended up having a great time! She was bringing another friend with her and he was super sweet and very nice to me and didn’t mind me tagging along at all! We went to the concert and had an amazing time, sang as loud as we could along with the rest of the crowd, cried, and got cheap, greasy, delicious pizza afterwards. She had class and work in the morning, so the night got cut kinda short-ish. She drops me off at my brother’s apartment at around 1 a.m. and right before i get out, she mentions she’s going to a party the next night and would love if i came with her. So of course, wanting to spend more time with my friend AND go to my first real party, i agreed.

Her friend drives, and they pick me up at ~10, and i’m already a little uh,,, baked,, but only enough to be excited for the night and not panicking bc social anxiety. So we get to her friend’s (definitely haunted) house and go in. there’s probably 20-ish people there. I’m a little uncomfortable, but not anxious. I follow her around for a little while, standing in the kitchen and listening to everyone talk. It is at this point that i realize that every single person there is a political science major. And working on a campaign for a local politician. And using a lot of terms that i don’t know and talking about people i’ve never met. My friend noticed i was kind of uncomfortable and offered me a drink, which i gladly accept.

I’m halfway through my first vodka + grapefruit juice when everyone (literally every person at the party + the host’s 2 roommates, who had been in their rooms up until this point) gather on the front porch to smoke. So i’m like “hell yeah free weed”. Until they pull out a bong. It comes to me and i have to tell my friend i don’t know how to use a bong. She shows me and I? Kind of? Figure it out? A little?? I laugh and make a comment on how i’ve never used one because if i can’t hide it from my mom, i can’t have it. One roommate (who i believe was named mitch?? So we’ll just call him that) says “oh, hang on” and goes inside, returning moments later with a pipe and a dime bag, and comes to stand beside me. He smiles and whispers that he’s got better stuff than what everyone else is smoking. We pass the pipe back and forth, just the two of us, and someone brings the vodka out and i top off my drink.

So at this point i am loud, not thinking at all about what i’m saying, and pretty out of it. Everyone but me and mitch are talking about politics. Someone says something funny about local government being stupid. And i don’t know much about local government, but even i knew that the policy they were referring to was ridiculous. I *started to vocalize this, but lost my train of thought halfway through my sentence, so this is what came out of my mouth (imagine this is a little louder than someone should be talking, slightly slurred, and giggly):

“I will be the first to admit that i am a fucking idiot. An absolute dunce. Dumb bitch hours are 24/7, 365 baby!”

and then stopped, because i couldn’t remember what i was meaning to say. So really, i just announced to approximately 20 strangers that i’m fucking stupid. Which i’m pretty sure they already knew anyway. Everyone was quiet. All of these drunk and stoned college kids were completely silent, just staring at me. And i said nothing else. Eventually everyone goes back inside.

There was one guy who i was kind of?? Shamelessly flirting with the entire time? And i’m fairly sure he was flirting back but i suck at recognizing that so i’m really not sure lmao. But anyway, there’s 2 sofas, a loveseat, a big chair, and a papasan chair. Me and the guy i’m flirting with were the last ones inside so we were stuck sitting on the floor together. Someone goes to the bathroom, so he takes the opportunity to steal their seat, leaving me alone in the floor. Then mitch, who was sitting with 3 people in a 2 person seat, asked if i wanted to sit with him instead of on the ground by myself. So i squeeze between him and another guy who i didnt know, and ended up with one of my legs halfway in his lap due to the seating arrangement.

This is where i started being a real dumbass.

He was talking to me, asking questions, whatever, when his dog (who i had already met) comes into the room. We both start reaching towards him and calling him, and he ends up coming to me. I laugh and kind of gloat, leaning down and talking to the dog but looking at him and said “what a sweet baby! You like me more, don’t you? Daddy doesn’t treat you right, huh? Daddy doesn’t know how to treat this baby!” and i’m completely kidding, not really realizing that i looked this guy in the eye and referred to him as “daddy” while leaning over his lap. So there’s my first mistake with this guy.

Second mistake (which was potentially very dangerous. I seriously could’ve gotten hurt and you guys need to NOT be like me) was when i finished my drink and was playing with my empty cup. He offers to get me a refill and i agree. He asks me what i want and i say “anything but beer. That shit is nasty.” and I let this guy who i had just met that night leave the room with my cup and fill it up with whatever. After i got home and sobered up i realized how badly the night could’ve gone because i was too inebriated to think of what could happen, which was really scary.

Luckily, though, mitch wasn’t a shitty person, and comes back with a screwdriver. He sits back down and hands me the cup. I’m not coordinated at all, so i grab the cup with both hands, and overlap my hands with his. I notice that he’s got, like, piano player fingers. So i position myself back how i was (kind of almost sort of in his lap), take my drink, and grab his hand and say, while giggling, “wow, your fingers are sooo long! oh my god!” and marveling over them (mistake #3). I did NOT realize at the time how this sounded at the time and i literally cringe thinking back on it. He kind of smiled at me and said “yeah, i’ve gotten that before. I’m pretty good with them, too.” I didn’t understand what he meant so i just laughed and took a big gulp from my drink, which was a LOT stronger than it was the first time. Like, legit probably half and half. But i swallow it without even really making a face because: a) i’m too blitzed to care and b) i’m not a pussy anyway lmao

And he looks legitimately impressed and says “wow, you swallowed that without even gagging” and i’m!!! Fucking stupid!!! And thought he was literally just talking about liquor!! So i say “yeah i’m pretty good at that” in a very smug manner bc!! like i’m kind of a lightweight (mostly bc i don’t eat that much so i usually drink on an empty or almost empty stomach) but i have never thrown up from drinking and i can down it with a mostly straight face. I know now that my attitude, the way i’m sitting, and p much everything i’ve said to him so far sounds really suggestive. So that’s the fourth mistake.

We sit there a little while longer and i finish my drink and have half of another and talk about all kinds of things. He asks what i’m interested in and i say mostly broadway musicals and video games, but a few other things too. He nods along while i talk and i say-- with literally NO other implications other than what i actually said- “I bet you’re really good at video games. You know, because of your fingers. Like, you can probably hit all the right buttons without even having to think twice about it.” which, totally sober, i realize doesn’t actually make any sense, and sounded like a really nerdy euphemism, but it made sense in the moment.

So he says “yeah, i like to think i am. I’ve got a console in my bedroom if you wanna play with me?” and he’s kind of leaned in mumbling this in my ear and that makes perfect sense to me because it’s loud and of course it would make it easier for me to hear!!! now, I am well aware that i am fucked up and poorly coordinated and i know that i wouldn’t be able to play video games very well and i’d end up making an ass out of myself and possibly falling asleep in his bed and i didn’t really want to do either of those things. So i tell him that i’m too drunk for that and probably wouldn’t be very good at the moment.

He told me he understood and that it wasn’t a problem and he’s fine just hanging out with me out here. And drunk me was like wow!! That is so nice!! This guy is now my best friend!! So i lean over on his shoulder and just talk the rest of the night.

At like 2 am he tells me he has to be at work in the morning and that he should go to bed, but that the next time i’m in town i should hit him up and we could hang out and play video games. So i give him a HUGE hug bc drunk me is v affectionate and thanked him for hanging out with me and that i would love to see him again

I literally didn’t realize how ANY of this sounded until i got home at like 3:30 and called my boyfriend to tell him everything lmao