#like we literally know where the 'its a problematic term :/' rumors started. it can be traced.

[horce-divorce]

I said this the other day but i was right and I should say it again, and so should everyone else whos been saying it:

"transandrophobia truthers aren't oppressed for being men because being a man isn't an oppressed identity, you inherently have male privilege and are therefore Men Invading Women's Spaces" is THE SAME ""argument"" from a few years back about "ace people can't be oppressed for sexual orientation because you can't be oppressed for something you dont have, you are Cishet Ppl With Cishet Privilege Invading Queer Spaces." It's the same fucking picture.

A lot of you are picking up on the concept of "transandrophobia truthers are the new MRAs so let's mock them" without actually knowing ANY of the context for what we're talking about in transmasc circles. You're literally just gossiping about secondhand misinformation and you look stupid as hell.

[little-red-toyota]

Final good bye to the fandom

TW//Trauma, triggers, nsfw, sexual themes, rape, domestic abuse e.g.

This is gonna be a long ass post…

It has taken me a while to get emotionally strong enough to do this, as I will have to think back at some traumatic events from my past to address some of these things. That's why I waited until I got home from vacation with my family, as it will seriously affect my mood and mental health, and I want to be near my doctor and therapist, just in case.

And also, I know that the majority of those reading this will invalidate me and tell me I am making things up to clear my name. So, I literally have to torment myself to write a blog post people will just brush off as bogus anyway. But I will do it now that I am in safe surroundings. Then it will be off my chest, and I can finally move on. If people will continue stirring up the past, it will be their problem, not mine.

I think I should write one last blog post where I address everything. I have left the TTTE-fandom, but I will write that one as my final goodbye to the fandom. I just have to find out everything I've been accused of so I can properly address them all in order. I might leave out details of my life that is too hard for me to open up about. I know most of you will just invalidate me anyway.

1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

2. My mafia-AU.

3. The Darin incident.

4. Being a pedophile. (Where do they get this from anyway??)

5. Running the NSFW-blog.

6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

Is there more?

Ah... yes! Faking my own suicide, of course!

7. "Faking" being suicidal.

8. Having the audacity to survive and go on living.

9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

Anything else that needs to be addressed? What else am I being accused of? Send me a dm and I will add it to the post.

 Okay, I will bump the Stepney fic down a bit as it is the most traumatic thing for me to address, I will save that one for last.

2 and 3. The dark au/mafia au where I gave some TTTE characters some rather dark and unpleasant character traits, and the whole incident with Darin and the pedo-Salty was addressed in this blog post written by my husband last year, so I am not opening that can of worms again: https://little-red-toyota.tumblr.com/post/623743183795470336/in-light-of-recent-events

Even the thing about Toby cheating on Henrietta is addressed there.

As for the au, I never fully explored it as I started losing interest in TTTE around the same time. I found other things to enjoy and TTTE faded into the background and the au was dropped before I even wrote any stories, apart from the one about Toby and Henrietta.

Some people claim, like this lovely individual, that most of the characters were rapists and pedos. No, not most. Only one of each. And I did not write more than one story about rape and suicide. Where does this person even get that from? Someone who told someone who had heard from someone who might have heard….?

Don't spread rumors unless you are sure that they are true.

Anyway, it's all addressed in that blog post in that link. I don't see how this mafia au is any worse than other dark post-apocalyptic or violent aus. It mostly was about the diesel mafia and their illegal businesses, not about sex, even if it did occur now and then. I find the substance abuse in it to be more problematic tbh…  

 4. Being a pedophile.

I don't even know how to defend myself against this one, as I don't even know why people think I am pedophile. They only throw the accusation out with no backing evidence, so I have no idea where it comes from or what it is that makes people think I am one.

Apart from one claim that I had faved "porn" alongside "strangers'" baby photos on DA. I addressed that earlier though. As DeviantArt doesn't sort what you click "like" on, it all ends up in the same folder unless you actively go through it and sort it into categories, which I don't bother most of the time. It also doesn't say WHEN it was added to your faves. So, I can have faved an artistic nude on Saturday, and then faved my friend's family photo on Thursday. It's not like I actively search for porn, get all steamed up and then look at pictures of children. WTF.

The few children I have faved are not from complete strangers, but long-term friends of mine. Yes, it is possible to have friends on the same website. I have actually met a lot of my RL friends through DeviantArt. I posted photos of my daughter when she was a baby, they would fave it and congratulate me. So, I did the same when they had a baby. As simple as that. Nothing weird or perverted about it. Due to people doxxing me last year however, I deleted the photos of me, my husband and my daughter from DeviantArt, so it's no longer there.

Porn isn't allowed on DeviantArt anyway. The nudes there are so-called artistic nudes, and for the most part I use them as pose-references when I draw as it is easier to draw a pose using a nude base and then dress them up once you got the pose right.

"The very naked" centaurs I have faved. Well, I like the mythological creature Centaur. And as far as I know… they do not wear clothes, so how are they NOT nude? Look it up, it's a horse body with a human torso instead of horse head. I don't see them as sexual, but what do I know? Maybe YOU do?

I have no sexual interest in children whatsoever.

 5. Running the NSFW-blog on Tumblr and Twitter.

Yes. I was one of six people modding that blog. ONE of six, so I refuse to take the full blame here.

MerciResolution has openly admitted to being the founder, and she recruited me and some others to modify as the confession load became too heavy for one person to handle alone.

The original blog on Tumblr worked as follows: People would anonymously send a confession to our askbox, we would add a picture (sometimes photoshopped) to the text and post it on the blog. Always tagged as NSFW and with proper trigger warnings if necessary! The blog itself was also marked as explicit, so it didn't appear in searches and such.

For us, this blog was nothing but a joke. We did it for shits and giggles. If anyone took it seriously and thought we got off to the stuff that was posted, we apologize for that, but to us it was just for laughs. And we DID laugh a lot, you guys should have seen the weird shit people sent us sometimes!

We had fun and we never thought anyone would take it seriously, so we never thought of writing "joke" in the description or anything. It never occurred to us that it could be anything but a joke.

We also made a Twitter account for it, also locked for minors. But it was quickly hacked, and someone changed the password so we could no longer access it. We made another account and forgot about the old one…

After a while, the original mods started losing interest and the blog (both on Tumblr and Twitter) became less active. That's when a person I had known for years, and wrongfully trusted, came forward and wanted to take over ownership. So, the ownership was handed over to Russalita/Charlie.

That turned out to be huge mistake!

Me and the other mods had more or less forgotten that the blogs existed, when suddenly someone started bashing me and getting up in my arms over it. I got seriously confused as I hadn't been active on it in almost a year. But as it turned out, Russalita had removed the mature filters and made the accounts open for all the see. Even minors.

And as people knew I was one of the mods, they fired their guns at me. I can see why though, so I'm not pointing any fingers here.

I tried contacting her by phone, asking her to lock the accounts again, but she gave me a less than polite response, hung up and then blocked my number…

So, I decided to try to shut the blogs down on my own, trying the old passwords. It worked on the Tumblr-account, and I managed to password protect it, for some reason it couldn't be fully deleted. But the Twitter account had gotten its password changed by Russalita. I was however able to get a new password by logging into the e-mail we had used to create it. I deleted the Twitter blog fully. It can't be re-activated even if we wanted to. It's gone.

But it turns out the old, hacked one is still up and now open for everyone. And this one poses a huge problem as we have no way of getting into it to delete it. Only thing we have been able to do so far is reporting it and hope it will be removed by Twitter. So I only have one thing to say about it: report it.

I am no longer running any NSFW TTTE blog anywhere, nor do I have interest in doing so. So, if you come across one, claiming to be me or any of the other mods, it is false.

 6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

People seem to believe I have drawn genitals on trains. I have never done such. Any art on the NSFW-blog with genitalia on the trains were sent in by confessors and was not drawn by me. Most of them seems to have been drawn by someone who goes by the name "The Lance".

I HAVE drawn things for the NSFW blog, but there were no genitalia in those drawings. I drew Frank of Arlesdale looking grossed out by (I don't know what the part is named in English, but it is connected to the brakes of the engine) that stick-like thing on his bufferbeam being wet from whatever the confessor did to him. I drew an over-exaggerated comical pic of a horrified Peter Sam getting his face licked by his driver, who had an enormous tongue. I also did a couple of manips. Mostly maniping engine faces on humans, like the one where Gordon's face is on a less than fit guy flailing his shirt around, and the Arlesdale smallies' faces on a movie poster from Magic Mike. One with Mr.Conductor in a giant bun while Pinchy is applying ketchup on him, for a confession about eating him, I think?  I've done some more, but I forgot what it was, I only know I loved making them comical rather than erotic, as I saw the blog as a joke overall.

I HAVE also drawn aheago faces on engines because it looks hilarious. Though I have only drawn them on my OCs and the NRS engines, not TTTE characters.

Point is I have never drawn genitalia on trains. Ever. And I likely never will. It's not THAT much fun drawing NSFW stuff.

I see from this screenshot that a certain MK-Instrumentalist claim that all my personal art is age-regression art and infantilism…

Whose art have you been looking at? Because it's definitely not mine. I have drawn a couple of baby/chibi diesels… But claiming that all of my 700 or so artworks are depicting infantilism and age-regression stuff? I suggest people go have a look for themselves. I haven't drawn that. That MK-guy has been desperately trying to cancel me for ages for reasons only himself know. I don't even know the guy, and he doesn't know me, yet he wants to see me beheaded. Go figure.

I was for a long time bothered by some age-regressor on Tumblr who just wouldn't leave me alone with their weird asks, who tried to force themselves on me and some other artists here. They claim age-regression isn't a fetish, but the shit they sent to my askbox certainly looked like a fetish to me.

I don't want anything to do with that stuff. It weirds me out.

And no. I have never drawn pedophilia or rape art either. This guy can't even make up his mind on which one to accuse me of.

 7 and 8. Faking suicide and having the audacity to survive and go on living.

As many know, after the intense shitstorm against me last summer, thanks to Darin, I attempted suicide. I didn't succeed as my husband came home early. I was gone for a few days but returned when a young boy reached out to me for help as he was being groomed and didn't know who else to turn to.

Recently I saw a screenshot where someone claimed me to have faked suicide, and that I just came back after a few days when everything had died down.

Wow.

I am truly sorry I survived.

I don't remember much from those days to be honest, but as the load became too heavy and the bullying too intense, piling up on 30 years of old trauma… I decided to end it. I must warn you guys who might get triggered now; there are detailed descriptions of a suicide attempt. Proceed with caution. People told me I was a bad mother among other things, having had those same thoughts myself (according to my husband, I am a good mom) and people just confirming them, I thought that my daughter would be better off growing up without me. I could have chosen a more effective suicide method, but I was afraid my daughter would be the first to find me, so I wanted it to be clean and look like I was just sleeping. That way it could be explained as natural causes.

So, I decided to overdose on pills. I downed all pills I could find in the house that had a warning triangle on it (strong pain meds etc.) and then went to my computer to delete my online existence, especially the personal data.

As a former paramedic, I should have known better. Because after half an hour, my body started reacting. But not the way I had hoped and wanted. I started retching and almost vomiting. That's when my husband came home from work and found me. He immediately saw the empty packages and knowing my past suicidal tendencies, he reacted instinctively. He put his fingers down my throat and had me puke everything up, then he called an ambulance and had me admitted to the hospital.

I don't remember anything from the days I spent there. But I have been told they emptied my stomach and gave me lots of fluids. I was then assigned a psychiatrist which I am still seeing today.

I was gone for those days because I was in hospital, not because I was pulling some kind of trick and pretending to have ended myself.

So… I am sorry I "faked" my suicide.

I'm sorry my husband saved me. I am sorry the medics and doctors succeeded in saving my life.

I am sorry I survived and proceeded to live on. If I ever make another attempt, I promise to do better.

Why are you guys so persistent in trying to push people to suicide anyway? Do you get a kick out of it? Why do people have to be pushed to that point before you care?

What did we tell our daughter? Simply that I got sick and had to go to the hospital. She took that well.

I've seen a lot of people wonder why I am still around. Why shouldn't I? Does my daughter deserve to lose her mother over some online crap she doesn't even know about? I owe her to live and watch her grow up, to help her with her homework and whatever else a parent needs to do. I also owe my husband to stay by his side, like I promised him the day we got married. Even if I do not wish to live.

I'm sorry I survived, guys. Really, I am.

 9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it. And 1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

 First… why would anyone make up trauma? It's not like it's a competition to have the worst life, is it?

Sadly, I don't have to make up anything. My life HAS been rocky up until the birth of my daughter. I have been through so much trauma I couldn't even fathom it myself before my therapist listed it all up to me. Until then, I had just been casually talking to her about it, like I would talk about the weather. I didn't cry or get in touch with my emotions even once while telling everything, because I was taught from an early age to never complain, to suck it up and go on. So, no matter what people did to me, I would just smile and go on, even if it killed me inside. I did not want to show any sign of weakness, because then they would attack me. A habit I developed through years of being bullied in school. Never show feelings, just pretend nothing could hurt you, then they would eventually grow tired of it and stop.

Except they never did. They kept going through all my years at school. To such an extent, my boyfriend didn't dare to show himself hanging out with me out of fear of being bullied himself… And as we grew older, he would start cheating on me too. And I kept smiling…

My next boyfriend was a bit older than me, and while that didn't bother me, as we were both well over legal age, it bothered him. We only lasted one year before he bailed out and ditched me out of the blue via an sms.

The next guy… was the one who scarred me for life. Both physically and mentally. A charmer at first of course, until I was trapped. He was unemployed, so he moved in with me, and I paid for everything from food to phone bills. All while he was dating several women behind my back, calling various pay-phone services and in general acted like a manwhore. As I worked as an electrician (also being subject to massive bullying and sexual harassment at work), he would be jealous of all my co-workers and if I ever came home late or worked overtime, he accused me of cheating and was extremely violent about it. He would also isolate me from my friends and family, making me think I couldn't get any other than him. If any of my male friends (almost all my friends are male…) came over, he would give me such hell afterwards, it was easier just to tell them it was a bad time to visit. And after a while, they stopped asking. This guy also demanded sex. Every single day. If I refused, he would punish me, mostly by flogging me with lampcords, belts or whatever else he had at hand. My back is a criss cross map of old, faded scars even now nearly 20 years later. I would have shown you a photo, but I am so self-concious about my body after all the bullying, I hardly even show my face in photos. Maybe one day… but I certainly need more therapy before being able to show naked skin to strangers, even if it's just my back. So I had non-consensual sex with him more often than consensual. It has taken me hours in therapy to even take the word in my mouth and call it by its proper name: rape. I was raped, almost every single day for little over a year, before I found the strength to break out of the relationship and finally throw him out of my house. It all ended when I found some revealing texts on his cellphone, which he was extremely protective of… Texts that revealed that he had engaged in a relationship with a 12 year old girl, and it had been going on for a while. Not only was he cheating on me, but he was a pedophile too. Needless to say, I didn't even let him pack his stuff before I fetched my shotgun and chased him out of the house. I don't know where I got the courage and strength from… but I was furious.

I thought I had gotten rid of him, but no. He started stalking me in public. Hiding behind shelves when I was shopping, his car following mine everywhere I went. I received weird letters in the mail with cut-out letters from newspapers, glued together. On top of all, his creepy, old uncle called me with some rather disgusting suggestions and tried to come on to me really hard. I had to change my phone number, and after coming home to my house and finding out someone had entered my home using a key, only to empty the drawer of my night table, I also had to change the locks of my doors as he had clearly copied the key.

He didn't stop until I got the police involved.

So, when I finally met the guy who would become my husband (or rather, we found out we were made for each other, we had known each other since we were 11 years old), I had major trust issues towards men especially and it took him endless patience and love to break me out of that shell.

But the trauma doesn't stop… or start there.

In the year 2000, on January 4th, I would experience something that made me unable to even look at a train for over 10 years. The Åsta accident (google it). I was a volunteer in the Norwegian Red Cross then, and a paramedic in training. Back then, you were allowed to start training the year you would turn 16. So, I was still 15 when I witnessed the most traumatic event of my life. The day started out calm, we were stocking up the ambulance after delivering a patient to the hospital when we got a call with the code "500", which means "catastrophe". Normally when we get that code it is a rehearsal… so we drove towards the coordinates with the thoughts that this was just an exercise, nothing real… we didn't prepare ourselves mentally… And we ended up in the closest thing to hell I have ever been… The sight of the burning trains, the smells, the sounds, the screaming… I still wake up by nightmares to this day. Though the moment that haunts me the most is when the screaming stopped… because we all knew why… I don't want to go into details, but 19 people died that day. But we also saved 67 people. I try to hold on to that thought. The age limit for starting paramedic training was raised after this, as I wasn't the only one who was too young for an accident of that scale. Today it is 18. A memorial stone has been placed on the site, but I still haven't been able to bring myself to visit it, even if we drive past the site every year on our way to visit family further north in the country. I needed hours of therapy to even be able to ride a train after this. To have gotten to the point where I now volunteer at a heritage railway and is in training to become a driver, is a HUGE step for me. My next goal is to visit the site of the accident.

On to next trauma… A previous employer, a rather large electric company in Norway, whom I worked for 8 years. The first five years were great, we were a close-knit bunch of electricians, and we had a great relationship with the bosses and higher-ups. Our labor union was strong.

It all started changing in 2009 when we got new leaders… and those decided to get rid of everyone who were a member of the union. One by one, they started harassing workers in various ways, trying to get them to quit. In Norway, they need a legal reason to fire you, it's not enough to not like someone. There has to be a good reason to fire someone e.g. theft, neglecting work… Since they didn't have any reasons to fire us, they started making our work lives gradually harder and harder until we would break and find another job. Sadly, one of my co-workers couldn't stand the pressure… He bid us all farewell as normal one Friday and hung himself the following day.. But as I was a girl in a male-dominated profession, I had been taught at an early stage to ignore anything that would hurt me emotionally, just arch my neck and plow through. I kept doing that, despite starting to feel more and more mental and physical pains… even my co-workers pointed out how I was being mistreated before I acknowledged it myself. I tried to tell my boss, but he reacted by treating me worse. So, I went to his boss… and that's when things went to hell. Instead of doing his job and listen, he started harassing me too. He deemed my over-weight a problem, and he started demanding I gave him detailed lists of what I ate and how much I worked out… Completely illegal of course, but by this point I was broken down to the point I thought I was useless and couldn't get another job… so I accepted. He started accusing me of lying about my exercise, so I started training at the gym in the basement at work instead. One day, while I was there, he locked the doors and turned the lights off. There were no windows, no cellphone reception and hardly anyone walking by in that part of the building… I sat there in the pitch dark for 3 hours before I was let back out. I still get badly triggered by narrow, dark rooms and rooms with no windows. To such an extent, I jumped out of a small window on the second floor of a gym when I was in boot camp. I was allowed to train downstairs in the bigger gym with windows on all walls after that incident…

The harassment at work went on for years until I finally snapped, ended up at the hospital and got into therapy for the first time. I don't want to go into depth about what more happened, I just can't… I can't bring myself to write it all. Luckily, I had gotten more education while working, so when I graduated, another company called and gave me an offer I just couldn't refuse. So, I quit my job and never looked back, even if the traumas I suffered there still haunts me to this day.

Sadly, even after switching jobs, now getting a safe job with sane leaders… I started to relax, and that's when all my past trauma came washing over me. And one day, on while driving to work, I had my first serious panic attack. It started as this feeling I used to have at the old company; getting sick to my stomach and having the sense of someone being out to get me… then it developed to breathing problems… and I had to pull the car over. I broke into tears, struggling to breathe, stumbling out of the car to read the logo on its side just to reassure my body and brain that I worked for a different company now and there was no reason for panic. I called my boss and let him know, because he also was a "refugee" from that other company, so he knew what me and several others had gone through. He managed to talk me down enough for me to come to the office to talk to him. That helped.

I got back into therapy. A better therapist this time. But sadly, it got apparent that I could no longer work as an electrician as there was too many triggers. I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, and social anxiety. I'm still working on these and get better slowly.

I have been in therapy for a long time now, and it was my therapist that suggested I wrote fics to cope and "write it out". I tried to make up my own characters for this, but never felt any connection. I was by this time in the TTTE fandom and had met people with similar trauma and pasts like myself, and I started roleplaying with some of them. Me and a girl from UK then agreed to try to rp/co-write a fic to cope with our trauma. We both found it easier to write about pre-established characters we had a connection to, even if it was an au that made it barely recognizable from the original source material. Only the names and some minor things were similar.

That fic was Stepney's Virginity Gets Lost.

Do we regret writing it? No. It helped us write out our traumas and helped us overcome some mental obstacles in out therapy process. Our therapists cheering us on, because we finally managed to break through the hard shell surrounding us. We both cried for the first time in years while writing it, some of it through roleplay, because some parts were extremely graphic and brutal and very mentally exhausting. We had to take long breaks between each writing session, so the fic wasn't written in just a weekend. But we got a lot of darkness out of our minds by writing all this. And we were definitely NOT aroused by it, like this pervert here claims.

It's when you dare to touch and feel the difficult and dark emotions, you can finally move along in the grieving process.

Should it have been posted online?

In retrospect, no. But at the time, we thought it might help other trauma victims, as we also found reading about other people's experiences and fictions touching painful subjects helpful to ourselves. So, we posted it, never expecting it to cause such a controversy 3 years later. In fact, we had more or less forgotten about it until it came back to bit us in the ass. Or rather, bite ME in the ass, as I am getting the full blame alone.

Also, despite what people claim, it was not posted openly for children to read. It was tagged properly and hidden behind mature content walls. If a minor chooses to break that wall, that's not the author's fault. It's the same as watching a movie with an age restriction way above your age, not the filmmaker's fault.

I think MerciResolution puts it nicely here:

"If your problem lies with you KNOWINGLY entering adult spaces when you’re a minor, ignoring all mature warnings that are literally SCREAMING at you “hey, this is what you’re getting into. Are you sure you want to proceed?”

That’s ENTIRELY on you. YOU are the fucking problem.

We’re marking mature things as best as we properly can. If you decide to ignore them, that’s your own damn fault. We’re not your fucking babysitters."

Also, I never posted the story on Wattpad, so if anyone has done that, it's not me. I posted the story on Fanfiction.net, DeviantArt and AO3, that's all. If it's posted anywhere else, it's not done by me.

I had honestly moved on from it when people pulled me back into it.

Other people who have done questionable shit in that fandom are easily forgiven because "they have moved on" or "changed". Yet, nobody believes I can move on or change…?

I had moved on; my interests had changed. But people won't let me, so here I am… Having to defend some crap I did years ago. A fic I no longer have any interest in.

I'm not even interested in TTTE anymore. I have moved on with my own book project now and I would like to focus on that.

So, deleting my TTTE content, whether it was the SFW or NSFW stuff, didn't cost me a penny. It actually felt like a relief. The only downside with it is that people now can't read it and make up their own opinion about it, but will solely believe in what others say, and those things are often seriously bent out of shape and blown out of proportions to such an extent it's barely recognizable.

If people claim that Arry and Bert rape Stepney in the fic, they have never seen it or read it. That's not what happens. That's just an assumption made by looking at the title and knowing there is a rape/torture scene in it. But I'm not gonna tell who the victim is or who performed it, because this is the only way I am able to tell who has actually read the fic or not, who is just trying to spread bullshit and who is actually telling the truth. The person in that screenshot, has no idea what he's talking about.

Does SVGL romanticize rape and abuse?

No, not in the least. It's described as the horrible, heinous acts it is and is in no way meant to be cute or romantic and definitely NOT something anyone should get off to. If anyone finds it sexy, that's their problem, not the authors'. If anything, SVGL might romanticize suicide, because one of the characters isn't able to cope with his trauma and chooses to end their life. Which is something I considered doing myself when I was in the darkest pit of depression. So, I apologize for maybe romanticizing suicide. The following chapters describe how friends and family handle the loss and grief.

It also describes a toxic relationship, where one of the parts struggles to get out of it. They eventually manage to break free, but it is not easy. This can easily be translated to my previously mentioned relationship, as it was my way of writing out my experience about how hard it is to break out of a relation when your partner has broken you down to the point where you no longer believe in yourself and your self-worth.

The last chapters start to gradually become brighter, as both our lives started getting better too. But we never really wrote the end because we both lost interest in writing TTTE content by that time and just left it hanging.

I'm not the only one who has written NSFW TTTE fanfics out there. But it seems like violence and murder is more acceptable than sexual things? I do wonder how brutally mutilating children's show characters are more tolerable than sexually abusing them. Neither should be okay.

Some content creators hide behind "it was a joke". I have been told that such topics that SVGL touches upon shouldn't be joked about… so I didn't do that, and yet it was wrong? So how should such topics be treated? Be hidden like it's a shame, like in the old days when rape victims were told to suck things up and keep it to themselves? When those subject to abuse didn't dare to speak up because people would judge them?

I think it is important to talk about these subjects and why they are so problematic. Victims shouldn't have to hide their trauma; they should be allowed to talk openly about it without fearing judgement.

Some of you claim that writing isn't a good way to cope… You're trying to dictate how trauma victims deal with their trauma, and that's a dangerous path to walk down. Nobody handles trauma the same way. You might have your thoughts on how you would react, but you'll never know until trauma hits you… and you might not react the way you had expected or planned. Trauma messes with your head and you won't be able to think clearly. It makes you do thinks you normally wouldn't have done and can make you act out of character. So, do not judge people without having been in the same situation yourself. Ever.

Someone wrote that I have "more problems that just a rape".

Read that again.

Just a rape.

This person does not know how damaging a rape can be. And if you made it this far in this post, you know I didn't only go through one, but several. Not just by my ex, but also being ambushed while I was walking home from a party, and later; a co-worker forcing himself onto me at a building site. I can't go into depth about them all, I just can't.

Just a rape…

"Just" the feeling of not being in control of your own body and your own decisions. "Just" being robbed off your dignity and self-worth. "Just" having someone intrude into your private zone, tear your clothes off and claim your body against your will. "Just" feeling how your life force leave you as you realize that fighting against it won't help you, and you silently give up and just lay down waiting for it all to be over. "Just" spending hours in the shower, scrubbing your skin until you bleed because you can't wash the filth away and you keep feeling dirty no matter how much you clean yourself. "Just" waking up at night, after having relived the scene again in a nightmare. "Just" looking over your shoulder wherever you walk because you heard something or thought you saw something or simply because someone is walking behind you. "Just" the fact that you'll never feel comfortable walking alone at night again or have someone walk behind you. "Just" never being able to relax because your body constantly think you're in grave danger. "Just" a rape…

That's such a neck-beard thing to say. Someone who clearly think of other people's bodies as property or things. Not taking into consideration that we are living, breathing individuals with feelings. And that having another person violate us isn't something we like or that we'll easily get over. We want to choose who we give ourselves to, nobody should be forced. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't want it. We didn't like it.

Rape is trauma.

Yes, we should have chosen other characters for the story, but we did what we did, and it cannot be undone now. So, if the only thing I will be remembered for in the fandom is that ONE fic, instead of all my other content, that's what it will be. That's what people chose to. I'm moving on.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

*sigh*

This is something that could only happen in America, isn't it?

Some people don't bother educating themselves. The "nazi-letters" you guys are talking about is actually part of the Norwegian alphabet and has nothing to do with Nazism or white-supremacy to do at all. The Norwegian alphabet has 29 letters, the three extra is æ,ø,å or in capital letters: Æ,Ø,Å.

We can't help it if some morons over in the US abuse these letters as symbol of their twisted mindset.

Yes, my name contains one of those letters. It is my name… and I didn't choose it. It is a common Norwegian name.

As for me being a Nazi?

Those who knows me knows that I am as far from a Nazi as one can get. I despise Nazism with all my heart.

But the reason some people choose to believe so… was that some guy who has no hobbies or life went through every single fave I've made on DeviantArt since I joined the site in 2006, which is well over 20000 faves. And he found a few Nazi-characters from a web series I was following about ten years ago. I am very interested in history and especially WW2-history, so I found that particular web-series interesting and faved some artwork related to it. What this guy failed to notice is that I also faved the Allied characters… That's ALL there is to that story.

I has also faved a pic someone made of Joseph Goebbels (I think it was?) as a Pixar Car. That's not because I have any nazi-sympathies, but I simply found the concept of turning historical persons, both good and bad, into Cars as an interesting project. I would have faved any other historical Carsified person as well.

As for me being a Norwegian and have a natural pale complexion, that's not something I can help. That's nothing I choose. And it doesn't make me racist or Nazi. Period.

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

Again. Get educated.

This flag… is the actual flag of my country. The Kingdom of Norway.

There is nothing Nazi about it. It is not a symbol of white-supremacy. IT IS THE FLAG OF NORWAY.

During WW2 it was even illegal, so people would paint it everywhere in a protest against the Nazi-occpation and the SS. We even decorated our Christmas trees with it, and that is a tradition that has followed us into the modern day.

Again, if some idiots in the US choose to use it as a symbol for their disgusting logic, it is not Norway or the Norwegians' fault.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

I need people to elaborate here.

What exactly do you think I do to my daughter? What is the cause of your concern here?

The fact that I have made NSFW content? How is that harmful to her as long as I keep it away from her? You DO realize that even authors, pornstars and moviemakers have children and that they can be good parents, right?

Do you think I read pornographic content for her as bedtime stories? Or show her porn instead of kids TV? How sick are you guys, really…?

Some people even wanted CPS to take my child away from me… Have a look at these screenshots…

You want a happy, healthy, innocent child to be taken away from a stable, safe home with loving parents just because you don't like the content the mother made? You want her to be placed in foster care, where there is no guarantee that she will have a happy upbringing rather than have her stay with her parents who love her and care for her, for reasons she'll never understand and wasn't even aware of?

"Think of the children!" a lot of you say when it comes to my content. May I ask why this doesn't apply to my daughter?

Why do some of you go as far as to wishing her dead or wanting her to be removed from the home she feels safe and loved in? How is that thinking of the children?

As for the douchebag in that screenshot. You claim that if your mother did something like that you would want nothing to do with her… I have a question: Do you know EVERYTHING your mother do? Does she include you in each aspect of her life? Even her sexual life? No?

How do you know she doesn't do thing you don't approve of when you're not around? She could be a rabid pornmag reader for all you know. But stuff like that is something adults hide from their kids. So, you wouldn't know, unless you go snooping around in her business.

Everyone is entitled to privacy. What I and my husband do when our kid is not around is our business, not hers, and certainly not yours.

Porn and parenting are to be kept separate from each other. Period.

And we do.

There is absolutely no reason to be worried about my daughter. She is a happy, healthy child in a safe, stable home with family that loves her and cares for her. Not just me and my husband, but also grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

If you want to remove her from that over a stupid fanfic behind a mature content wall, you're the deranged person, not me.

 This is all I have to say about all this and my time in the TTTE fandom. I have left by my own, free will. Yes, I am aware that many people don't want me there. That's fine. I don't want to be there.

I am a bit disappointed in those people who just blindly unfollowed me and unfriended me without any questions asked, just followed the leader. Big users tend to dictate who and what is worth following in that fandom. They will even protect real predators, but I'm not going to open that can of worms now. I'm done with the fandom.

Some of those people, I have been talking to regularly, even supported when they faced hardships in the fandom themselves. But when I got in trouble, they ditched me without a word…

If anything, this whole ordeal showed me who to trust and not, and who were true to their word when it came to how deep our friendship was. True friends at least give you the chance to explain before they drop you. I hold no ill feelings to those who did, at least they asked me before judging.

And those who still stayed with me, are the ones who truly know me and who I really am.

Some of the worst libels posted about me might be reported to the police, but I haven't made up my mind yet. I am not mentally strong at the moment, so I don't know if I have the strength to legally follow it all up. I will ask the cops at work for advice on the matter.

All I ask for now is some peace.

You don't have to like me. You don't have to follow me. You don't have to like my content. Feel free to invalidate me, I know a lot of you will.

But please, stop bullying me and my family.

Please stop sending me horrid messages and death threats.

Please stop doxxing me and calling me.

Please leave my family alone. If you don't care about me, at least care about them.

Please just ignore me. I have already left the fandom, there is no reason to keep hunting me.

I just want to move on and go on with my life and the content I am currently working on. After years in therapy, my life has gotten better, and I want to move on.

Please let me.

[1zashreena1]

Princess Gets A Shot -21

18+, m/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]

Summary:  Diego requests backup and then it turns out that backup really was needed. 

WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and ‘the code is more like guidelines’ outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???

Gun violence, Soft Murder Panther, the L word, come eating, pussy eating, ass eating, look, everything gets eaten here, Diego being Diego, plus size woman+fit man, actual anal, feeeeeeeels

A/N:  Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me (plus size, white, short, blue eyes, curly hair). If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!

I’m not a fan of “plot” so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.

TAGLIST: @chelsfic​​​ ​ @symbiont13​​​ ​ @nicke0115​​​ ​​ @bunnykjm​​​ ​ @rosee-sensuelle​​​ ​ @girlpornparadise​​​ ​ @mandoplease​​​ ​ @heresathreebee​​​ ​ @xxsteph-enrixx​​​ ​ @jetiikad​​​ ​ @joalsglasses​​​ ​ @mutantcookiesecrets​​​ ​ @demoncatstone​​​ ​ @squidlywiddly87​​​ ​ @lockedoutofmyotherblog​​​ ​ @poeedamerons​​​ ​ @xxidontwikeitxx​​  @kid-from-new-zealand​​ @fleurfatale89​​ @allalngthewtchtower​​

Its 11:52am when you start shutting down your computer this Friday. Coworkers start chuckling and you roll your eyes, you know what's coming next. Tremaine pops around the shared wall of your cubicles to grin manically.

"You have the longest dick appointments ever." She waggles both eyebrows excessively and you laugh.

"Its not a dick appointment. I got a ring, bitch." You flap your left hand around in retort and she giggles madly. Your cell chirps and she makes a stern face.

"You better not be late. I bet he'll withhold punishment!" She cackles and disappears behind the felted wall to your snorts. 

You grab your stuff and pull the phone out of your purse to check the text.

Take your fiancé to work day?

Increasingly, Diego has been giving you more and more access to the business. He uses literal names and real dollar amounts in conversation, its actually a little fascinating how well he manages an outfit so vast. You ask questions and sometimes help him with spreadsheets or schedules. Its all very professional and you love the contrast of how he runs the business versus his reputation. 

Whatever meeting he has tonight must be more social than business if he feels comfortable enough to take you along. You trust Diego and his men to keep you safe.

What's the dress code?

You have an extensive wardrobe now, so some guidance might be helpful.

Typical club

Attached is a picture of a dark, deep, forest green suit.

Your stomach drops and your blood pressure rises. He's gonna look so fucking good.

Uhhhh. Just fucking tell me what you want me to wear

Melted my brain you ridiculous man

Sure, it feeds his ego, but its the truth. He's so hot that sometimes you don't know what to do with yourself.

The gray dress. Black shoes. Got jewelry here for you

…..no panties😛🐈

Aww yiss, you laugh to yourself. 

New bling AND head?????? Goddamn bby

Don't worry, you'll earn it

You don't know if you should be amused or worried. Guess I'll find out.

---------------------------

The new jewelry is a pair of very long sapphire chandelier earrings and a matching anklet. The bright blue sparkles like fire against your fair skin and makes your eyes pop. You've never known another man with such style sense. 

You're standing in front of his dresser mirror admiring the earrings as they brush the top of your cleavage when Diego calls you.

"Come here, Princess. I'll give you a hand." His raspy voice never fails to give you goosebumps. When you turn around Diego is kneeling on the rug holding the anklet. Its not the first time he has helped you dress, but something about it is vaguely suspicious. Those chocolate eyes are too smirky.

You step forward and offer your right foot. While Diego fastens the band of blue stones you stroke over some newly emerging silver at his temples with a fingertip. You're so enamored with the distinguished look that it startles you when his fingers brush your inner thighs. In less than a moment Diego has his hand buried in your crotch, fingers finding your folds, and then the middle sinks into you to the knuckle. 

"Aiiieee!" You yelp, completely unprepared for this development but not exactly surprised. That single finger is hot and thick, he manages to circle your cervix fleetingly. 

"Good girl." Diego purrs.

You involuntarily clench tight even as you glare down at him. 

"The fuck. You couldn't warn me first?" Your snarl is undermined by breathlessness as your hips roll for more. Its infuriating and amazing how quickly this man can wreck you.

"Princess." He chides quietly, "I had to check that you followed my orders like an obedient little girl." He smiles widely, clearly pleased with the both of you. Your heart trips and you curl fingers over his shoulder for balance as the heel of his palm grinds your clit. He goes on tauntingly, "Don't show this pretty pussy to anyone else tonight and you'll get a very big reward."

"Asshole. Fuck you." You moan. The dual stimulation is winding you up quickly. You gasp with disappointment when Diego pulls his hand away but it turns into a whine as you watch him suck your flavor off of his own digit. 

He pulls the middle finger out of his mouth with a pop. "You will."

------------------------

The club is packed but some lackey already has a VIP booth ready for Mr. Jimenez. A huge hand lands on your lower back to usher you along, its a very couple-y move. When you sink into the plush seating Diego sits practically on top of you and wraps an arm around your shoulders. Something is definitely up here.

"So, you wanna tell me what's going on tonight?" You whisper, face buried in his neck to ensure you can be heard over the music. 

Diego orders drinks, you're sure its something nasty for him and fruity for you, before turning your way. The hand on your shoulder is petting you.

"I have a new distributor as part of the side deal terms. I cannot shoot her without ruining the deal and we need this deal. But she doesn't take no for an answer. And while I respect her ambition, it is becoming… problematic." Diego scans the club as he speaks, decidedly not looking at you. 

Oh really?

"Diego Jimenez. Are you uncomfortable with a woman hitting on you??" You ask incredulously. You're trying not to laugh because he clearly is. 

Diego turns to glare down at you and if you were anyone else it would have the intended effect. You just smile beautifically. 

"I gave you my word, did I not?" Diego huffs dramatically and glances down at your ring. Oh, baby. "And I don't like her." He shudders.

"I trust you, Diego. I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't." You intone gently. Whatever your man needs, you'll do your best to give it to him. 

"Good. Now be possessive. She seems to respect women more than men. And I am not bringing my sister into this, it is ours." Diego mutters as he spots a small group of women coming in from the back. Ours? Without Alicia?? That really means behind her back. Diego, what are you doing?

You lean back casually and cross your legs. If Diego wants a calmly confident woman to belong to, then that is what he'll get.

Julio lets the tall, muscular woman in front lead the group into the booth where they sit across from you. She looks Diego up and down boldly, then licks her lips. You laugh outright and it draws her attention. 

"I'm Liz. And you are…?" She leans forward to assess you. Its supposed to be intimidating but you're unconcerned. Her brown eyes are sharp, they alight on your ring as you sip your drink lazily.

"Princess." You smile without it meeting your eyes, its the icy one you reserve for frenemies and men you would enjoy hurting. Liz cocks her head and blinks, you've managed to surprise her.

"So the rumors are true. Didn't peg you as the type to settle down." You can feel Diego stiffen next to you with her reply as she turns back to him. You want to hate her, you really do, but that was a good one. That feeling remedies itself with her next words, "Although. That is more, a lot more, than I would have expected." She gauges your body and sniffs in disapproval. 

The jab at your size isn't new. Or particularly innovative either. While you're certainly not amused, Diego, on the other hand, has become deathly still. You transfer the drink to your right hand and slide the left over his thigh so your fingertips slip between his legs. He is like a statue under you, so incredibly tense. 

"Nothing he can't handle." You sleaze, arching a brow at her flat chest. Gradually, Diego eases while Liz snorts and rolls her eyes.

"How did you do?" Diego drawls, leaning forward to rest elbows on his knees without displacing your grip. Its a casual display of his comfort with you touching him. 

"Its all spoken for. I need another load plus thirty percent. Baltimore is hungry." Liz decides to ignore you entirely. Victory. 

"I'll give you twenty-five, you'll give me ten percent more of the profit." Diego continues without her agreement, "You're ambitious, but don't bite off more than you can chew." He dismisses Liz with a wave and you can tell that irritates her. 

"Oh, don't worry, I don't bite the pretty ones." She is smarmy and leering. She doesn't even have any style.

"How boring." You purse your lips and look unimpressed. 

"Sí. Truly." Diego huffs as he adjusts his jacket to settle back into the cushions, and further into your side. He crosses an ankle over his knee and smiles into your hair. You maintain eye contact with a silently seething Liz as she rises to leave with her girls. 

Licking your lips, you slide your hand higher until you're cupping Diego through his pants and squeeze gently. Her eyes widen, then narrow with his relaxing posture as Diego melts into your public groping. She stomps off and the girls follow, one looking over her shoulder to watch you two hungrily. Something about the girl looks familiar but you can't place it.

You wait until they fade into the crowd, then turn to Diego….

Who is slouching blissfully with your dick massage. The sight makes you laugh, its adorable in a kinky way. He smiles slowly, obviously pleased with your performance. 

"Perfect little Princess. You are a very good Bad Girl." Diego praises you with a low rumble. He really does look so good in this new suit. His gray shirt matches your dress, he picked it specifically to look like a matched set. A subtle sign of your status together. You're leaning in for a kiss when you hear a muffled popping sound.

Diego lurches forward to crush you to his chest and you can feel Julio at your back suddenly.

Its gunfire.

Julio picks you up around the waist and hauls you over Diego’s head and the back of the sofa to go over the railing and into Bastian's waiting hands. Diego pushes your weight up with him, then dives over, too. Bastian is dragging you toward a hallway by the time you register the location change. Your head whips around to locate Diego, left hand reaching out for him. Diego takes two huge strides to press up against you, Julio is on his back. 

Another round of shots echoes in the club as people scream and panic. Its chaos, you can't tell where the bullets are coming from in your adrenaline rush and the enclosed space.

"Go, go now!" The gravelly command lengthens Bastian's strides until you pop out a side door into an alley. Manuela is outside, waving you to the Escalade. Bastian releases you to go around to the driver's side and Diego pushes you forward. You get the back door open just in time for Diego to shove you again so you land on the floor. Curling up, you give them room to climb in, too. Diego slides into the seat above you and covers you with his body, Julio layers on top of your fiancé and slams the door. Gunfire pops off outside in the alley, far too close for comfort. Manuela is still getting in the front when Bastian tears off.

"What the fuck!" You yelp angrily. As the SUV turns out of the alley, Diego tucks your head down further and Manuela returns fire. More shots plunk into the bulletproof body of the Escalade above your head and the window on the other side shatters to rain glass down over Julio. Diego growls ferociously and you reach back to grab his collar while hissing, "Stay down!"

You're not losing him. You refuse. 

"Everyone's behind us, full coverage! Two more blocks and we're out, boss!" Bastian hollers as he weaves through traffic. 

You keep your grip on Diego. Nothing happens for another few minutes, then Bastian whips around a corner and into the underground garage. You recognize it from the road noise and so does Diego, he sags onto you. The car screeches to a halt and everyone starts pouring out. Julio slides out the passenger side behind you and Diego crawls over you to open the door above your head and tumble out.

You lay there for a minute, shaking. Looking up reveals his men receiving orders and Manuela reloading. A large number of cartel members are guarding the closed garage door and more are headed upstairs to sweep the penthouse. 

Slowly, you climb out, unnoticed in the commotion. You take stock of the damage, dozens of holes and indentations mar the black bodywork. Some are right where your head was. Too close.

It enrages you.

"AhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" You scream at maximum volume and kick the door shut with enough force to rock the heavy vehicle. The heel of your shoe snaps off to remain embedded in the metal. The garage echoes your fury and nothing else as it fades to silence.

You whip around to face Diego and his men. Everyone is frozen in place, not a single muscle tics. Your fiancé is staring at you with huge eyes.

"Kill. Her." You growl. Your shoes get ripped off and flung away with extreme force. Your voice is wrecked from the berserker scream, you sound demonic as you stalk up to him and grab his shirt. "Kill. Her!" You repeat at a higher volume. Diego squints down at you in obvious concern.

"Do you think the shooting started right after she left BY ACCIDENT?!?" You are heedless of your audience, caring only for Diego's attention. Big hands come up to your forearms, trying to calm you against your will. He watches you closely as you pant, you know your face is red because you can hear your own pulse. You go to break away and his grip turns to steel. Diego slams you back against the door you kicked closed and pins you to the ruined metal by your wrists and hips.

Your anger morphs into fear which then fades into arousal as you feel the raw power of his body, Diego is holding your wrists so tightly it hurts. Quaking, you slowly look up to meet his eyes. The bearded jaw is tense, a muscle in his cheek jumps, and his eyes are burning. But it isn't rage you see in that smolder.

"Leave us. Now!" Diego barks ferociously. Underlings scatter but your attention is captured by the powerful man you agreed to marry. He leans in close, stealing your breath, to whisper, "If I bring her to you, will you do it?"

Will you? Would you really kill somebody?

They tried to kill me.

"Yes, baby." Your voice is low but even. Your nerves may be shattered but your resolve is solid.

Diego moans roughly, his face screwed up in a flood of emotions, then dives down to take your mouth. You open wide but can do nothing else. Body limp in his hold, you don't even want to do anything. His tongue slides on yours and he tastes like dark liquor and desperation. The beard rubs your sensitive skin raw as your mouth is seized, it ignites a fire so hot that you rub your thighs together pathetically. Diego is the only person to whom you have ever wanted to just submit. 

The level of trust you place in this man is monumental.

He releases your hands and steps back decisively. The sudden lack of support makes you stumble before catching yourself with a hold in his shirt. You blink dazedly, "Wha??"

Diego grips the back of your neck and steers you to the elevator. The doors open and Julio steps out with an appraising look.

"All clear. Bastian stayed upstairs, I'll take over down here. Gordita." He nods to you affectionately.

"Thank you." Your gratitude is deep and Julio smiles softly. Diego pulls you into the elevator and jabs the door close button. When you turn around to look at him you can see his big body shaking faintly.

"Baby." You breathe and reach for him. Diego allows you to fold him down into your embrace and winds those long arms around you. Its not often that Diego requires reassurance or displays contrition.

"This is my fault, Princess. And I will fix it." The dark voice in your ear is dripping with danger. Your stroke over his hair while he nuzzles into your neck, those huge hands tight on your waist.

"You didn't know. I think I was the target the whole time, despite being virtually unknown. And I agreed to come, if I had declined you wouldn't have pushed me." You squeeze his broad shoulders and kiss his jaw. 

"You could have died." He whispers softly. There is real fear in his voice, his defeated posture. It breaks your heart when he croaks, "I cannot lose you."

"But I didn't. You protected me, like I trust you to do. And I could die at any time. Car crashes, freak accidents, medical emergencies, anything could happen." You reason logically. Its probably not helpful in this moment, but its just how you are.

"Fine. Fair. Now stop." Diego mutters, not pleased with your sensibility. "I misjudged. It won't happen again."

You bury your nose in his shirt to inhale, his scent calms your nerves. "I broke a shoe. It probably will happen again."

Diego absolutely loses it and collapses onto you. His rasping howls of laughter are endearing and you giggle with him. His weight makes you hunch over a bit and your cleavage jiggles with his convulsions. Diego buries his face in your ample bust and continues laughing madly. 

When the elevator opens to Bastian's anxious face he just shakes his head at how weird you two are. 

------------------------

Your laughter dissolves into tears the instant you cross the threshold to the bedroom. The adrenaline is bleeding away and you feel numb. Your hands shake so badly that you can't get undressed. Stumbling into the bathroom, you stand in the middle of the room crying against your will while Diego starts the shower. He pops out from behind the clear divider wall and strides right up to you, dripping wet and uncaring. 

"Princess." He sighs deeply and strips the dress up over your head, dropping it to the floor. Your hands stroke over his gleaming chest, reminding yourself that he's okay, Diego is whole and unharmed. You lean your forehead on his chest and sigh as he unhooks your bra, it drops to the floor at your feet and Diego goes to kick it away… only for the strap to get caught on his toes, forcing him to flick his foot in ever more violent movements until the offending garment is flung off through the doorway and into the bedroom.

"Fucking bras." He mutters angrily. 

Your peals of laughter echo in the tiled room. 

"Remember what I said about the adrenaline mix being different when we used the handcuffs?" Your speech pattern is stilted from your jaw shaking violently. Diego's big hands come up to cup your breasts, thumbs rubbing back and forth over your nipples hypnotically. Gradually, slowly, your body melts into him, his bigger frame taking your weight with ease. Your voice is even choppier this time, "I'll adj-j-just."

"I know you will, Princess." Diego murmurs into your hair. Nipples now pebbled from the gentle torture, he moves on to new territory, specifically your ass. Diego grips huge handfuls of squishy flesh and kneads, lifting you to your toes. You moan into his chest, rubbing your skin on his. Backing up, he pulls you along with him, "Here, come."

Bracing your hands on those magnificent biceps, you let your fiancé manhandle you (mostly) softly. Diego backs into the shower and you're swept along with him. His hands glide higher, over your waist to settle around your upper abdomen just under your chest, and then he lifts. 

"Eep!" Your tiny squawk is met with a husky chuckle as Diego perches you on the seat in the back of the shower. The tile isn't slippery with condensation yet and you're still too short to hit the high ceiling, so you can stand easily. Conveniently, Diego's face is just above your crotch. 

"Turn around." He rumbles. The dark eyes looking up at you are black with hunger. Diego licks his lips obscenely and you whine with want. You have no idea what he's going to do and you want it desperately. The tile is cold on your nipples and you shiver violently. "Now be a good girl and show Diego that pussy."

Its been well over a year, mutual confessions of love, international travel, an engagement ring, and he can still flame your face and melt you with mere words. Your feet spread automatically and you sink your back to poke your ass out. Heat washes over your core and you realize that Diego is inhaling your scent. His groan of pleasure makes you drip. Huge hands climb your inner thighs to pull your pussy wide open to his inspection. 

Its both humiliating and excruciatingly exciting to be in this position, precarious enough that you're cautious about moving, completely exposed, all you can really do is take whatever he gives you. One large finger bumps your clit minutely and you squeak, then he uses two fingers placed on either side to retract your hood. The direct pressure of tiny circles on your clit is electrifying, but the addition of a hot tongue leisurely lapping over your entrance liquefies your knees. You're so wet that its audible over the sound of the shower.

"Baby…" You sound like a phone sex operator and it bolsters your courage a tiny bit. "Fuck, I love your tongue."

"Mmmm." Diego's growl is almost sensory overload. He licks every inch he can reach while never faltering on your clit. You can feel his nose sliding between your cheeks and it is enticing. You must have quivered if his next words are any indication, "I'll take this fat ass, too, little girl."

And he does. His right hand spreads you wide and he licks up over your asshole, the beard scrapes your pussy deliciously raw as you keen wordlessly. Diego dives back down to spread your slick higher with each lap. The textural contrasts are driving you insane. That sinful tongue presses into you with each pass, deeper and deeper until the tip dips inside. 

Everything fades away for a moment and the only thing you know is Diego between your legs. He moans and presses further, it feels indescribable. You’ve tried anal before with fingers, it was uncomfortable and did nothing for your orgasm. This feels completely different. Your hands flail, then the left reaches behind you to thread fingers into his hair. The engagement ring catches and pulls a little, making Diego jerk and sigh. Fucker has a commitment kink, the thought makes you choke.

The growl from behind you rolls up your spine and directly into your brain. Diego changes tactics to reach around your front and rub your clit the same way you do, but never stops fucking your ass with his tongue.

"I want," you whine into the wall, hips jerking. Diego rubs the goatee harder. You suck in a shuddering breath, "Wanna come. With some part of, of you. Fuck! Inside me. In-inside. Please." Your plea is met with an appreciative rumble that makes your eyes roll back. Your begging continues, "Anything, fuck, baby, please. Please please."

Diego pulls back to sink teeth into the left globe of your ass. Your yelp is muffled, but still ridiculously high pitched. He pets over your posterior, then you feel slippery fingers where the tongue was only moments ago. 

"That can be arranged, Princess. Anything...huh? What about anywhere?" His breathless taunt gives you pause. One well lubed finger presses against your rear and you truly do want it. You already feel loose and pliant, buzzing with endorphins. Swallowing hard, you nod tightly.

"Yeah." The tiny squeak of submission makes your predator practically vibrate. Diego pushes gently, you can feel the slick of lubricant, both natural and artificial, everywhere. The pressure pulses gently, each push just a tiny bit more intrusive, until the tip of his finger is inside your ass. 

"Fuck, bonita. Such a good little Princess." The rough praise only loosens you further, but you squirm with the new and odd sensations. "So tight," he continues with a groan, "You let Diego fuck this fat ass? Huh? Take it like a good girl?"

"Yeah, yeah. Oh my god, fuck." At this point you might agree to anything as long as he makes you come. Your back sags further and you gasp as his thick finger sinks in to the knuckle. Its a lot and you freeze for a moment. Diego holds steady, letting you breathe and assess. When no protest occurs to you, he resumes rubbing your clit and Oh holy fuckin' shit.

You know its only one finger, but he feels huge to your inexperienced body. Full and stretched, not in pain, necessarily, but you can't say its comfortable, precisely. What you can say is that it drives you wild to be pinned to the wall and pleasured almost forcefully. Your entire pelvis is trembling tautly, you can feel the orgasm welling up, building ever higher. Tears escape and your mouth goes without your consent. "Please, oh fuck. Pleasepleaseplease, yeah baby. Yeah. I want it. I want." 

"Pretty Princess. Go on. Come for Diego while he fucks both your holes." The finger in your ass rotates as he repositions his hand, there's a brush of contact to your folds, and then, Fuuuuuck, then two fingers slide home in your pussy.

Your entire consciousness collapses down to your core and then snaps. Waves of contractions so strong that they make your abdomen spasm wash over you. You clamp down on every part of him that's inside you and wail. The ecstasy is only compounded by your every sense being overfilled with Diego.

"Yes, mi amor. Come for me. Come all over your Diego." The possessive tone is gratifying as Diego rides you out. Your legs shake, then buckle, your upper ass lands on his broad shoulder and Diego is quick to extract his right hand. The feeling of his finger withdrawing rapidly is intensely weird. The left hand abandons your clit to catch you in the chest, allowing your limp form to slide down his front. His hard cock leaves a sticky trail up your asscrack before it comes to rest poking into your lower back. Your legs are still wobbly and you hang onto his thick forearm for balance.

"Oh god. What the fuck. What. The. Fuck." You ramble. Did I really just come with his finger up my ass??

"Bend over." The strained rumble comes as Diego is lowering your hands to the bench, folding you in half. You teeter briefly, but manage to keep your balance. Diego grips your hips sternly and thrusts his dick between your cheeks.

"Uhh, what. You're not gonna, I don't think I can take-" 

"Relax." Diego chuckles, but it is definitely strained. Those big hands squeeze meaningfully when you lean away tensely. Diego continues thrusting in long, lazy strokes as he growls, "Come on your back. Wanna see this pretty ass covered in my come."

Oh. Okay then. Your brain is too scrambled to be concerned. It only takes a dozen or so strokes before Diego is snarling and snapping behind you, painting your butt and back white. 

"Ahhh, yesss. My good girl. Perfect little Princess." He slaps your ass to produce a jiggle and you crash forward into the wall. Diego flops onto the bench beside you and pulls your cooked spaghetti form into his lap. His come smears between your back and his front, Eww.

You start giggling again. 

"Now what?" Diego asks wryly. He's limp beneath you, that big body twitching periodically. You take in his huge feet below your dangling ones, his long legs melted under your weight. The broad chest rises and falls rapidly, it jostles you gently, he's still recovering. His scratchy chin lands on your right shoulder and Diego lolls his face into your hair. Your fingers lace with his and rest on your rounded belly.

"You're so nasty." You chortle. "I fuckin' love it."

[dreamercail]

nanowrimo musings 2.0

so like five years ago I did a little nanowrimo retrospective where I talked a little bit about each story I wrote and what I thought about it. I’ve been thinking of doing another one while also avoiding other responsibilities so join me on this walk down memory lane:

PUTTING UNDER CUT CUZ IT’S A LOT OF WORDS WHOOPS

Silicon (2009) - Oh geez, I hate to even count this one, but it was my first ever nano attempt so I gotta. A story about Theresa Lee, a girl who unknowingly is an android (closer to a cyborg?), and the team running the experiment. I don’t even think I made it to 10,000 words. Features: first attempts at an intergenerational friendship and an interesting framing device. I don’t think I’ve opened the file in at least 10 years. This is probably for the better.

Relapse of Vernadora (2010) - my first NaNo win! Originally started off steampunk inspired but I have no idea what the final product was (there were airships?? and that was really it). A story about a half dozen Chosen Ones™️ who represent ~elemental abilities~ and they have to...save the country they’re in?? Because it happens every couple hundred years?? I don’t really know. Featuring: a fun first half of interconnecting stories and dialogue that sounds like bad anime fan fiction. Overall a yikes from me but I still love Chira Chronum as a character and will until I die.

Colossal (2011) - I will always label this one as the most read amongst people I know. It’s a pretty simple story about a group of teenagers who can see giants and have to go on a road trip to stop the guy who’s bringing them back from the dead. Featuring: a literal ripped from tv tropes 5 man band set up and entirely okay if not weak narration. In the end it’s hard for me to go back to and read because I’ve gotten a lot better but I’m still proud of it. Also the five main teens have such a special place in my heart and I’ll probably never be fully done with them. Also I think my only nano with a sequel?? (that took me like six years to write lmao)

Extinction Could be a Lot Worse (2012) - 300 years after global cataclysm, and humans have become a minority, giving rise to insect- and fish-humanoid hybrids known as Entosaps and Aquacrans. Arata is a kid with a guitar looking for one of the last major human settlements on earth. Featuring: half baked concepts, heavy handed and misguided messages about racism, and one actually decent speech at the end. Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh I’ve never felt great about this one. It didn’t take me long after writing it to realize my messaging was super mixed and not as woke as I thought. Also like a few super problematic parts that make me cringe hard. Not the worst thing ever but not one I go back to.

How to be an Urban Legend (2013) - oh thank god the streak of straight protagonists has been broken. A really fun deuteragonist set up! Aliya is a party girl in need of a job. Morse is a down on her luck, awkward girl with a penchant for local urban legends. Each encounter Mackenzie Fylan, an urban legend known as a parsinct, a person who goes through overwhelming tragedy and emerges with supernatural abilities, and chaotic teleporter. Through a series of events the two girls uncover some peculiar goings ons in the basement of their office building. Featuring: a plot where like not a ton happens and a fun chapter naming convention. In the grand scheme of things an entirely okay story. Not a story with a ton of stakes but it marked a turning point in my writing as far as description writing and narration go. Aliya and Morse are an unstable couple, but I think I take a little too much joy in their dysfunction.

Scribed. (2014) - Most famous for not being finished, rip. In a world where writers are assigned particular individuals to “scribe” their lives, Ariel Hess accidentally discovers he’s being written about by the inexperienced scribe, Maiara Snow. It would’ve been a fun kind of breakdown and commentary on the stories we consume and the protagonists we choose to write about but it never quite made it off the ground (partially due to life being a lot that year). Featuring: really not much but some fun with style/formatting.

The Incredibly Consequential Life of Charlie Zappala (2016) - After having to skip 2015, this was a fun one to write. Also, chaotic cuz I dallied the first half of the month then ended up writing like 22k in 6 days. Charlie is a disillusioned 20-something who always thought they were made for something greater until real life came and beat them with a stick. That is, until an interdimensional elf herald pops out of their refrigerator and claims they’re the Chosen One. From there Charlie has to balance the world of their dreams with the world they know and figure out which is really meant for them. Featuring: first nonbinary protagonist and a whole lot of swearing. Charlie as a character is such an outlet for a lot of processing of what it means to be an adult in this day and age. I love them a lot. Of course, in the manic way the story was written the pacing is wonk and needs some work before it’s the best it can be. Also the only nanowrimo (save the unfinished ones) that never got a proper edit.

a.u. (2017) - HEY DID I MENTION THIS ONE WON AN AWARD. I’m sure I have. To go from no one reading my stories to now thousands of folks having checked this one out is A Lot but also probably one of the coolest things to ever happen to me. Damian is a fresh out of college fuck boy, Alexander is a hipster barista. They meet in a coffee shop, we all know what happens then, right? If by that you meant that a mysterious earthquake comes every morning to the coffee shop and leaves the two with the only memories of it happening, then yes, we all know what happens. A story meant to be an exploration of fan fiction tropes and AUs, but also with an underlying message of what it means to find yourself when the world around you is constantly changing (#kidswhomovedalotproblems). Very admittedly nervous that I was gonna come across as fetishizing mlm relationships just by nature exploring the typical “””””BL plot””””” so that’s probably what’s stopped me from out right asking people I know to read it haha. Featuring: boys kissing and some actually damn good analogies that I have yet to replicate. Did I mention it won an award? And currently has 30k reads?? Anyway read it online. No shame.

Road to Arcadia (2018) - Boy does this one have my whole heart. Set in a very nearby future (about 30 years) in a world where we did jack shit about climate change (so like current trajectory), Kai Gilling sets off to the desert to look for something better. On the way he encounters a pair of siblings and a woman who says she has a map to Arcadia, an urban legend rumored to be the only city thriving during these hellish times. Cue: desert road trip story. I’d been wanting to write a desert road trip story for ages and the route the characters follow is nearly identical to one my dad and I took on a road trip the preceding summer, so it all came together. Featuring: a main cast where none of the characters are cis/het and Jeep Wranglers. The letters Kai writes back home have some of my favorite writing and some raw emotion and thoughts from me. It’s not perfect in its execution and it doesn’t have the playfulness that a.u. has, but it’s really special to me. Also available online! (not as many reads tho working on that one)

EXCAVATOR: Tales from the Twelve Vessels (2019) - Probably my first real big step into hardcore sci-fi and another deuteragonist tale. In the future, out in the deep recesses of space, flies the jaundian coalition, a group of twelve spaceships housing orphaned races from across the universe, most notably the sapiens (ya humans) and the nkrey (kinda like a mix between grey aliens and high elves). The story follows Meera, a wide-eyed Idealist looking to work planetside and Sauk, a convicted criminal who would like to do not that. Shenanigans ensue. It’s definitely out of my comfort zone to write something in a world so unfamiliar and it was hard to do a nanowrimo story when half the time needed was for world building. Also still not fully finished to this day. I got the 50k but still have a lot left to write in terms of plot. Featuring: ALIENS and sassy teammates. One that I probably won’t know how to feel about until at least another year or so.

Thanks so much for reading!! And oh man I’m only scraping the surface of a lot of this. If you ever wanna know one thing I could talk forever about it’s my stories and characters.

[ktaebwi]

[TRANS] 150429 BTS - The Star Interview

Source: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 KRN - ENG © ktaebwi

Bringing the theme of the beautiful yet insecure present to their third mini album ‘The Most Beautiful Moment In Life PT.1′, we met with BTS who came back after 8 months. 

JIN 

Known as a passionate collector of the famous game character ‘Super Mario’, Jin was asked to imagine what if one day Super Mario doesn’t exist anymore. He said, “My memories and my hobby that I have been collecting the whole time would be gone. Wouldn’t it make me feel empty and lonely?”. He also expressed the wish to have fun and play like the characters in the game if Super Mario exists in real life. 

Talking about his famous nickname ‘Shoulder Gangster’, Jin said “I have been hearing the same thing over and over again so I don’t think it’s cool” and requested adorably, “Listen here everyone around me. Next time when you see me, don’t start by talking about my shoulder, start by waving hello to me.” 

Jin who emphasized on ‘handsomeness’ himself said glasses are the hindrance to handsomeness. He couldn’t hide his envy, saying “There’s a lot of handsome men in the world. My wannabe style is Kang Dongwon-sunbaenim. I have been liking him a lot since I was young. He… has the face that I really want to look like.” 

SUGA 

Among Suga’s related search keywords. ‘nice legs’ stands out the most. “Nice legs that outshine girl groups? It doesn’t seem good for a man. I don’t know if it’s because of my physique or not, but it won’t improve no matter how much I do legs workout, huhu,” said Suga. 

We asked him the secret to having not only nice legs but also nice skin, to which he answered, “Skin care? Not at all. I’m too lazy to apply lotion to I just use moisturizer. Also, if this is considered any secret, I take a bath twice a week.” 

Suga, known as the ‘Ultimate Lethargic King’ that even beats INFINITE’s Sungkyu, said, “I have a nickname called ‘grandpa’. My studio is a small room about 3.3m2 , I don’t go out anywhere except for the bathroom for 3 days in a row. But it’s fine. For music, I choose the stick rather than the carrot*. My belief is that no matter how lethargic I am, I’ll fulfill all of my responsibilities till the end.” 

Suga shared he wanted to live so that even when he’s over 60, he would be able to exclaim endlessly “Wow! Can I promote like that?”. Somehow, his lethargy reminds us of actor - singer Yang Donggeun. 

*based on the idiom “carrot and stick”. 

J-HOPE 

We were curious where the source of happiness in J-hope, who possesses a positive mind, comes from. He told us how he was a born dancer, “I have that kind of overflowing energy in my body. I liked playing around since I was little, a total mischievous kid back then. I especially liked moving around, that’s why I started dancing. Around my third year of elementary school I think? We had to do morning exercises at school, I personally filmed the dances I made and my friends followed.” 

When asked if he faces any inconvenience because of his bright and positive personality, J-hope answered, “Yeah. When I look a little tired or sulky, everyone asks me if I’m hurt somewhere. A-blood type people are often moody, haha!” 

J-hope is the only one in the group with older sister. As we were asking about her personality and appearance, member Jimin immediately shouted “Pretty!”. J-hope laughed and said, “I don’t know if she’s pretty or not… Personality-wise she’s exactly like me. Her favorite member is not Jimin over there, it’s Jungkook. She often sends me messages about choreography through Kakaotalk and asks me to tell Jungkook, haha!” 

RAP MONSTER 

What if in the future, Rap Monster’s children want to be a singer like their father? “Of course I’ll support them. Whether they choose to be an idol singer or a musician is very important. Would I oppose if my kids do my job? I think there’s no way parents don’t have any influence on their kids. My parents? Please support me, haha!” 

Rap Monster scored 850 points in TOEIC exam in his second year of middle school. He’s nicknamed ‘Sexy Brain Man’, having his IQ recorded at 148 in second year of high school. He also assessed himself to be “good at English”. We asked if there is any member he wants to tutor English, to which he replied, “We need it when doing activities overseas so I want to teach the members and my sister too. My sister wants to be a flight attendant… I guess I’m worried about her.” 

Currently appearing on tvN ‘Problematic Man’, Rap Monster picked Jun Hyunmoo and Tyler as the panelists he looks up to. He shared, “Hyunmoo-hyung is appearing on many programs. He loves working so much that he gets IV almost every day. And Tyler-hyung makes me wonder how far can one get when learning a foreign language. Why America is a developed country, his perfect logic and perspective on the world is like a philosopher’s so I learn a lot from him.” 

He also uncovered the hidden rumor spread among fans for 2 years. They said Rap Monster’s heart once stopped. He laughed and said “There’s a line in the 2nd album’s intro that goes like ‘My heart stopped when I was 9 years old’. It’s actually a metaphorical way of saying ‘I lived a meaningless life as if my heart has stopped’, but fans took it literally. Wouldn’t there be a surgery scar on my chest when I take off my shirt then? (laughs)” 

JIMIN 

Jimin, who turned 20 and became a college student this year, shared he enjoyed Japanese lessons when taking Internet lectures amidst his frequent overseas schedule. He revealed to take extreme care of himself, saying “I’m the type to gain weight when I eat so I became sensitive about dieting. Especially my eyes, lips and cheeks keep puffing up! I’m now on a diet too, I’m trying to eat less and stay away from salty food as much as I can.” 

Looking at fans’ blogs, there are a lot of photos of V adoring Jimin, while other photos capture Jimin having a crush on V. We were curious about the two, so Jimin explained, “We’re the same age, so if there’s anything I find hard to talk about with the older ones, I talk to him and he takes care of me. It’s probably why we seem closer.” 

When asked if there’s any day when his visual is not in its prime, he said “I want so too. If fans think like that, I want to continue to be so.” 

V 

Thanks to V’s good looks, his past photos look so handsome that the fans were shocked. Member Jimin who went to the same high school stepped up as a witness, “It was no joke.” 

“I like making friends a lot, but I wasn’t popular much,” V said. Meanwhile, Jimin made a speechless (?) expression and revealed “There wasn’t any female student that didn’t know V. They all nudged each other and looked at him. Wherever we go everyone knows V!”. 

BTS was chosen as the most prominent group among those debuted in 2013. When asked about the secret to their popularity, the members answered that it’s thanks to V’s stan attracting skill. Suga continued, “The fans like V’s unique charm that we can’t understand. He doesn’t pretend to be cute but he looks cute, haha!” Rap Monster added, “V’s selfie skill is instinctive. He attracts the fans with the so-called unedited ‘boyfriend look’.” 

Even though he has a lot of opposite gender friends, V said he isn’t worried about what the fans would think. He laughed, “I have to receive permission to date from my dad, so there’s no worry of getting into a scandal like others.” 

JUNGKOOK 

Jungkook revealed unlike everyone’s expectation of his growth in terms of height along with music, since he’s the youngest, “it seems like my height stops at 178cm.” He explained the reason behind the big scar on his right cheek, “It’s from the time I fought with my brother on who gets to play computer games first when I was young. Come to think of it, it was just a trivial thing. But I don’t blame my brother. We’re guys, don’t all guys grow up like that?”, showing a manly side of himself.

Nicknamed ‘Golden Maknae’ for being good at singing and dancing, even working out, Jungkook shared “I’m not good at studying. (laughs) But I only got one wrong in the Japanese mid-term exam.” Rap Monster praised, “He doesn’t like studying, but once he’s determined he will do really well.” 

The members revealed Jungkook’s excellent drawing skill, to which Jungkook replied “I’m really confident with real life drawings.” They playfully told him to draw Producer Bang Shihyuk’s face in 3 seconds and he did on the interview spot. (Drawing below) 

On being known as the natural enemy (?) of Jimin, Jungkook explained “We actually get along really well.” Jimin laughed, confessing “Actually I lose all the time too. I’m not confident I can win Jungkook.” He added, “I think you need talent to be able to have muscles too. That’s why I always lose to him, he’s muscular.”

[ah17hh]

Baphomet: A critical Feminist Perspective via /r/satanism

Baphomet: A critical Feminist Perspective

Ok SATANISTS let me hear your opinion. This is still a rough draft, I have until Dec. 5th to finish this essay.

Baphomet: A critical feminist perspective

In Salem, Massachusetts, in the year 2015, a secular activist organization called the Temple of Satan unveiled a statue representation of the Baphomet (see figure 1), which is a symbol that has become associated with Satanism over time in Christian culture. The first mention of the word “Baphomet” was used in the records of the trials of the organization known as the Knights Templar around the year 1300 C.E.; the Knights Templar were being accused of worshipping a pagan deity called “Baphomet”. It wasn’t until the mid-19th century C.E. that the Baphomet came to be associated with the now famous Sabbatic Goat image. Eliphas Lévi, a 19th century artist, was almost certainly the originator of the image (see figure 2).

The Temple of Satan Baphomet statue, sculpted by Mark Porter, was commissioned by the Temple in order to contest the placement of a Ten Commandments monument on the grounds of the Oklahoma State Capital. The two versions have some serious differences that I believe can merit some interesting speculation about both the intentional and unintentional aspects of said differences in the representations, the debate and controversy surrounding its establishment, and the culture at large. I will use a feminist and gender critical lens to examine the Baphomet statue.

Eliphas Lévi, in his seminal work on magic and the occult, Dogme et Rituel, lays out all of the intentional symbols of the Sabbatic Goat.

“The goat… carries the sign of the pentagram… a symbol of light… his two hands… one pointing up to the white moon of Chesed, the other pointing down to the black one of Geburah…. Harmony of mercy with justice. His one arm is female, the other male… the flame of intelligence shining between his horns is the magi light of the universal balance… soul elevated above matter… whilst being tied to mater… the beasts head expresses the horror of the sinner… has to bear the punishment exclusively… the rod… symbolizes eternal life… Humanity is represented by the two breasts and the androgyn arms…” (Lévi, 1854; as cited from https://www.learnreligions.com/eliphas-levis-baphomet-goat-of-mendes-95993)

As should be clear now, there is apparently nothing contained within the image of the Baphomet that is not intentional symbolism. The image is a strange blending of “opposites”, but rather it is the reconciliation of the whole, and a recognition that “good” and “evil”, “light and dark”, “male” and “female”, “beast” and “spirit”, are not, in fact, opposites; they are two sides of the same coin. The symbolism of Lévi is commonly summed up, among New Age folks and other spiritualists, as being the “left-hand path”: personal responsibility, individuality, the search for secret wisdom, and the carrying with one both the forces of dark and light – not the supremacy of one over the other; balance. As we will discuss later in this essay: from a Beauvoirian Feminist perspective, this version of the Baphomet might be problematic, due to the apparent contrast between the masculine and feminine – but first, there is another important manifestation of the Baphomet and the occult that should be examined.

Another interesting occult figure to reinterpret and describe this imagery is the head of the modern left-hand path himself, Anton Szandor LaVey – the founder of the Church of Satan. Anton LaVey is a controversial figure for having, in 1966 during the sexual revolution, founded the first official religion dedicated explicitly to Satan. If you read just a little bit into Satanism, you will discover that there are many arguments to be made that Satan is just a Christian interpretation of other Pagan deities that have existed from Enki in Samaria, to the Great God Pan in ancient Greece. So, whether LaVey started the first Church dedicated to this archetype, or not: you will not meet a Satanist who does not pay their respects to LaVey and his interpretations of shared Satanic symbols, such as the Baphomet. The image that LaVey works from is a design of his own, which gives another interesting historical twist on the image of Baphomet (see figure 3). From LaVey’s, the Satanic Bible:

“The symbol of Baphomet was used by the Knights Templar to represent Satan… In its ‘pure’ form – three points up, two pointing down – symbolizing man’s spiritual nature. In Satanism the pentagram… represents the carnal instincts of man… horns… thrust upward in defiance; the other three points inverted, or the trinity denied.” (LaVey, 1969; as cited from https://vigilantcitizen.com/hidden-knowledge/whoisbaphomet/ )

Some immediate differences between LaVey’s and Lévi’s representations are: 1) the differences between the pentacle (right-side-up five-pointed star), and the pentagram (upside-down five-pointed star) as a difference in the focus on spirituality in Lévi, versus the focus on carnality in LaVey. Other important differences are the fact that LaVey chose to emit all traces of the masculine and the feminine, and just focus on the symbol of the goat, and the spelling of “Leviathan” in Hebraic letters corresponding to the five points of the Pentagram. As egalitarian as this might seem at first, LaVey uses the term “man” to describe the generic human being throughout his work, which may merit a feminist critique. Mulvey might point out also that LaVey’s use of a naked human female as an altar during his rituals and ceremonies participates in a sick kind of voyeuristic scopophilia. These two facts combined might make us look at this gender-neutral goat-image a little differently: is this image, and the whole LaVey’s Church, just a masculine phallic power-fantasy? That might be one possible critique, if you were grasping for straws. As we will learn later on, the feminine is often, in mythology, associated with chaos – what is the symbol of the goat? Unruliness. They can never be tamed. Is the unruly goat symbolically related to the feminine from that perspective?

📷

(figure 3: Anton LaVey’s Baphomet image, 1968. Inverted Pentagram with a goat’s likeness. Hebraic letters spelling “Leviathan”, a water-serpent associated with Satan-Lucifer.)

📷

(figure 1: Baphomet Statue, commissioned by the Temple of Satan in 2015. Two children staring up admiringly at the Sabbatic Goat.)

📷

(figure 2: Original mid-19th century Baphomet art by Eliphas Lévi.)

Before the main topic of this essay, a critical postmodern examination of the Baphomet, has been truly engaged, I think it is fair to give voice to other less known, modern-day critics and followers of the Baphomet. The first that I would like to share is a criticism of the Baphomet imagery – and also, seemingly unrelated: feminism – from a Christian perspective. I am going to leave the authors name out of writing here, but you can probably find it via the link, which I will paste in the in-text citation beneath the quote:

“… (W)ithin the elite… sodomy rituals are a common practice as are other ‘sex magic’ ritual where demonic entities are petitioned for power and possession… the elite seek to make clear cut gender roles obsolete. This is also at the root of feminism… to ‘liberate’ society from traditional gender roles… Rumors of Lady Gaga being a hermaphrodite…. It would give good reason for her constant references to Baphomet.” (https://midrashmonthly.wordpress.com/2011/07/11/homosexuality-gender-confusion-and-the-spirit-of-baphomet/)

This Christian fellow is concerned about a world-wide conspiracy, constructed by the elite class, to destroy the family unit, and erase traditional “God-given” gender roles. This, they believe, is the connection between the movement of feminism and the Baphomet symbolism. The Baphomet represents an androgynous sort of creature; the image itself seems to blow apart all binary traditional expectations. Not only because the inherent sex and carnality of it all, but because it blends the genders/sexes into one form – whereas from the Abrahamic perspective, man was created first, and woman was created from the rib of the man. Hence, she is the second sex, the other – her sexuality is taboo and must be controlled, it should not be displayed as being equal with the masculine; being a part of the masculine; or the masculine part of the feminine. There is so much to unpack in this excerpt, I could spend the rest of the essay doing that – but I won’t. Needless to say, this Christian is paranoid, and (who know?) perhaps rightly so: we have seen a societal movement over the last decade or two toward widespread acceptance of phenotypes of homo sapiens that in rather recent U.S. history, and Abrahamic history, have been denied rights, or acknowledgement that they even exist, or basic human respect. It is really not that far back that women, half of the human race, were included in this discrimination. Perhaps some traditions are so important that to undermine them would be to undermine the human species. That being said: I struggled to think of a single person that I have heard literally advocating for the abolition of the nuclear family and gender roles. I dismissed this Christian as creating phantoms where there were none; and then I found this:

“As a Satanic feminist, I openly challenge the nuclear family and gender roles that are enforced by religion… I embrace Baphomet, the androgynous goat human… I think it reflects how Satan, too, transcends the boundaries of gender… and cis-heteronormative oppression.”

(https://www.mookychick.co.uk/health/spirituality/why-i-am-a-satanic-feminist.php)

There is at LEAST one Satan-worshipping feminist who is knowingly and intelligently opposing gender roles and the nuclear family. This person is a Theistic Satanist, that is: they profess belief in a literal Satan. NOT the Christian Satan, mind you – Theistic Satanists believe that Satan is an actual God, not a fallen-angel. Theistic Satanists also tend to believe that Satan is somehow deeply involved in the process of the creation or evolution of humans. This particular Satanist came to their Satanism through feminism and the belief that it was the Abrahamic religious traditions that have forced these gender roles, and the widespread belief in the inherent value of the nuclear family, upon society.

This unnamed theistic Satanist suggest that the Baphomet is a symbol of genderfluidity and freedom from societal norms, and “cis-heteronormative oppression”. Looked at from this perspective: one wonders why more feminists and critics of patriarchy have not taken this symbol onto their altars of equality? Bad P.R., presumably. The Baphomet represents the equality and inextricable connection between the light and dark, masculine and feminine – or did I just insinuate that the male is the light, and the female is the dark? This is getting messy, but it’s probably a great time to hear from another feminist, who was not a Satanist, that might have an interesting counter to the Satanic insurgence into feminism; Simon De Beauvoir:

“A man is in the right in being a man; it is the woman who is in the wrong… He is the Subject, he is the Absolute – she is the Other. The category of the Other is as primordial as consciousness itself… the expression of a duality – that of the self and the Other…. Thus humanity is male and man defines woman not in herself but as relative to him… How is it… that this reciprocity has not been recognized between the sexes, that one of the contrasting terms is set up as the sole essential… defining… (women) as pure otherness? … ‘the eternal feminine corresponds to the ‘black soul’ and to the ‘Jewish character’” (De Beauvoir, 1953; as cited in Easthrope & McGowan, 51-54, 2004)

What Beauvoir is trying to point out here is that the very ascribing of light and dark with male and female symbolically is part of the Othering of the feminine. So, when Canadian Psychologist, Jordan Peterson, says things like,

“chaos… is the birthplace of things, that’s why often it’s represented as feminine. Because feminine things are the birthplace of things… You have order – father; You have Chaos – mother.” (Peterson, 2017; from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viGgB44rxdU)

It’s kind of hard not to take this recapitulating of an ancient motif as suggesting that the masculine is what holds things together, and the feminine seems valued only for its caregiving capacities and its uncertainty. To be fair to Peterson, that uncertainty could also mean variation and possibility. I think that Beauvoir would point out to Peterson that this is a very male-framed mythology. Masculine is not just order – it is also destruction and nihilism. Feminine is not just chaotic – it is also stability and tolerance. The anonymous theistic Satanist, coming back into the fray, would suggest that this is actually what the Baphomet represents! The Baphomet demonstrates that both the feminine and the masculine are actually part of the same enlightened, ugly, beautiful, gentle, stark, horrible beast. Again, Beauvoir might harken back that the association of the female arm of the Baphomet pointing down to the dark crescent moon, while the male arm points upwards at the light crescent moon is to relegate women to the Other, once again. The association of “light” with “good” and “dark” with “bad” exists in many cultures and controls the way we judge various phenomena to an unknown, but certainly important degree. Beauvoir might also suggest that the representing of humanity, in the image of the Baphomet, by the breasts, is too objectify women and see them purely as “sex” and “reproduction”. Perhaps this suggests that the only human part of women is there nurturing and reproductive capacity.

Submitted November 22, 2019 at 01:37PM by The_Academic_SatanX via reddit https://ift.tt/35tYe02

[deathbyzamboni-us-blog]

Norwegian Black Metal

This is a paper I wrote for school. As the title suggests it is an overview of Norwegian Black Metal. Enjoy! 

Heavy metal music is one of the most popular genres of music in the world. Its influence has reached every corner of the globe and boasts some of the most famous bands of all time. Bands like Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and Metallica all are Metal bands and if not, have had metal signatures. Since bands like these are so pervasive around the world, metal has reached communities in the remotest corners of the earth. South America for instance has its own strand of heavy metal boasting a band like Seplatura and Japan is another breeding ground for the music. There are many reasons why the genre is popular but one of the most important aspects is its darkness. Due to its somber nature, heavy metal tends to deal with dark subjects. Many metal songs deal with death and the devil. Normally this is just done for fun. For many teenagers, listening to songs about Satan will piss off their religious parents. Songs about death can help people cope with feelings of depression. But what if some people took typical heavy metal themes to their literal conclusion? Some kids in Norway did this. The Norwegian Black Metal scene is one of the most infamous scenes in the history of music. It ended up in the burning of over 40 churches and the murders of two people.

 (Darkthrone - Blaze in the Northern Sky album cover)

           Since black metal is a subgenre of metal, here’s a primer for the uninitiated. Sorry, I can’t cover all the metal subgenre since there are too many subgenres. Also, I will be drawing from Sam Dunn’s Metal Evolution documentary and Last Podcast on the Left’s subcategories for there is no official list of what genre these bands belong to. Metal itself is a subset of rock and roll music, defined by being driven by guitar, bass, and drums. It harbors some the most popular performers of all time like The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Elvis Presley and Jimi Hendrix. This influenced early UK metal, which includes the two bands who pretty much defined early Heavy Metal: Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin. Metal music was slower, darker, louder, heavier and more complex than its father Rock and Roll. The general atmosphere of the music encouraged darker lyrical themes about depression, sadness, and sometimes, the devil.  A cousin of early UK Metal was shock rock. This genre included bands who would often dress up in make-up and give theatrical performances. One the most notable bands of shock rock, The Alice Cooper Band, often has a part of the concert where they simulate a decapitation of the lead singer. Out of the ashes of shock rock and early UK Metal came the New Wave of British Heavy Metal. This sub-genre was more refined and tighter than its forefathers and included bands like Iron Maiden and Motörhead. (Metal Evolution) Influenced by these genres, elements of Progressive Rock, and the speed of punk music, emerged what is possibly the most popular subgenre of metal, Thrash Metal. It includes bands like Metallica, Slayer and Megadeth. (Norwegian Black Metal part 1)

 (Metal Evolution Family Tree)

           The band Venom, is one of the first bands to overtly use Satanic imagery. It is key to note that they used it in jest. They also used extreme theatrics, which would contribute to the aesthetics of Norwegian Black Metal. King Diamond took this further by donning the black and white face paint in which most of the Norwegian bands would use. Then the Swedish band, Bathory would introduce the lo-fi sound that dominates Black Metal. In 1988, the band would move away from Satanic imagery into Norse mythology. They would also dip their toe into Nazi imagery. It is important to note that this was meant to shock and offend, but some of the members of the scene took some of this ideology literally. This would end up being the roots of the crimes that the scene would become infamous for. (Norwegian Black Metal Part 1)

           What does Black Metal actually mean? Ross Hagen in his journal article, “Musical Style, Ideology, and Mythology in Norwegian Black Metal” defined the term as follows: “The term “black metal: initially referred simply to any extreme metal that was explicitly “satanic” in nature, but by the late 1980’s a scene had begun to emerge that self-consciously used the term as both a description of the music and essential identity.” (Hagen) Before we discuss all the wonderful activities that some of these bands engaged in, it is important to discuss what the music sounds like.

(Bathory - Bathory Album Cover)

           Black metal actually deviates from many of the signature sounds that define heavy metal. For instance, some bands use keyboards to promote atmosphere. One of the trademarks of black metal is the high-pitched, banshee like vocals. Many bands choose to use this and clean vocals instead of the guttural growls that permeate many metal acts today. Full chords are used to produce a fuller, denser sound as opposed to the short blasts of power chords, which is commonly used in metal music. A technique called “buzz-picking” is often employed and allows to play more guitar strings at once, producing a fast and muddled sound. Black metal also eschews propulsive rhythmic drive, instead favoring a swirling and indistinct atmosphere. They do employ blast-beats though, which makes the drums make machine gun fire like beats, upping the tempo. Finally, black metal guitarists tend to disregard palm muting, because this technique muffles the guitar, making it more percussive, and was commonly used by Metallica in the 80’s (Hagen)

 (Mayhem - De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas Album Cover)

           The final piece of the black metal sound is its lo-fi sound. This genre does use the highly distorted guitars that most metal bands have used. The difference though is they use low quality production techniques. This was not only an aesthetic choice but also a by-product of all these bands being broke and unable to afford good recording equipment. (Hagen) Most bands leaned into this sound though. The leader of Burzum, Varg Vikernes (he plays a big part later), in the documentary, Until the Light Takes Us, talked about how he would purposely seek out the worst amplifiers he could find to achieve a raw sound. (Aites & Eweel) The result is a hissing sound from the guitars and the vocals. Many regard these production techniques to be cornerstones of the sub-genre. (Hagen)

           Not unlike many other musical genres, the image of black metal is just as instrumental as the sound.  Starting with the band logos…

 (From thetruemayhem.com)

This is a logo from one of the premier bands of the Norwegian Black Metal scene, Mayhem. Notice the truly intricate and almost illegible design. This is a visual example of the music’s exclusivity. Also included, is anti-Christian imagery, such as the inverted crosses. This logo is typical of the average black metal band logo. The bands tend to dress up in medieval armor with spikes and chains attached. They accessorize this look by posing with weapons such as swords and pikes. The most iconic part of the look is the black and white face paint that all the bands don. This is to simulate a corpse like aesthetic. The photos often mirror the music’s poor production quality, making it look raw and unfriendly. Finally, almost all black metal musicians use stage names. The names often derive from Germanic or Norse myth like Fenriz of Darkthrone. Others are inspired by the writings of Tolkien. For instance, Varg Vikernes’ stage first stage name, Count Grishnackh, and band name, Burzum. (Hagen)

 (Burzum - Filosofem Album Cover)

           Black metal is a genre. This means any part of the world can take part in it. What makes Norwegian black metal special, is the infamous church burnings, and murders. What is necessary to know are the major players; the band Mayhem, especially the guitarist, Øystein Aarseth, better known as Euronymous; Varg Vikernes of Burzum.

 (Dead (left) and Euronymous (Right))

           Mayhem was formed in 1984 in Oslo, Norway. The band was led by Euronymous. Around 1988, Per Yngve Ohlin, better known as Dead, joined the group. Dead was famously depressed and was one the first members of the scene to don the black and white face paint, to simulate a corpse like appearance. He would often cut himself during live performances to get blood flowing on stage. Dead once asked his band mates to bury him alive so as to achieve a more authentic, corpse like appearance. This all came to a head in 1991 when, Dead committed suicide by blowing his head off with a shotgun. Dead’s corpse lied in his and Euronymous’ apartment for hours. When Euronymous got home he didn’t do what most people did. He first took photos of the scene of the crime (which would be used for a cover on one of the band’s upcoming releases (warning link NSFW)). Then he is rumored to have used the fragments of his skull to make a necklace. (Norwegian Black Metal Part 2)

(Euronymous) 

         This is one of the most infamous stories from the scene. Why would any rational person do this? The thing about the Norwegian black metal scene is that these were a bunch of kids looking to rebel. Many members of these groups felt their lives were too good due to Norway’s excellent socialist economy. Since their lives were objectively good, the metal musicians found it hard to rebel like typical teenagers do. They did this by embracing Satanism and taking it literally. (That’s how you scare your parents!) This slowly became a sort of one up game of who could be more “real.” According to the “Norwegian Black Metal Part 1” by Last Podcast on the Left, this included members of these bands, who were so serious that they took pride in never smiling. (Norwegian Black Metal Part 1) This sick game of proving who could be more real was instigated by Dead’s suicide. He proved he was the most brutal by killing himself. Things grew worse when Varg Vikernes joined the scene, a man who already had problematic beliefs to begin with.

 (Young Varg Vikernes)

           Vikernes was born in Bergen, Norway in February of 1973. He grew up with parents who held White nationalist beliefs, which was passed down. His readings of the Lord of the Rings inspired him greatly. All though, he identified more with Sauron and the orc as opposed to the hobbits, saying that the hobbits had no personal strength. Vikernes joined the band Old Funeral in the 80’s before hooking up with Euronymous and Mayhem. From here he started the one-man group, Burzum, and it was successful. What is key to note is that Euronymous was at the heart of the Norwegian black metal scene. Alongside being in one of the central bands, Euronymous ran a record label that many of these bands used, and was quite poor at managing it. Also, he had a record shop that was the central hub of the scene. (Norwegian Black Metal Part 2)

 (Modern Varg)

           After the time of Dead’s death this part of scene called the inner circle started to develop, and it included Vikernes. The inner circle started going out at night and burning churches. This got extensive media coverage and Vikernes told a reporter that the scene was responsible. Euronymous stoked the flames of this to gain publicity for the scene. Most of the media got scared due to the fear that this was caused by Satanism. Vikernes maintains that it was motivated to take back the land that Christianity took. He claims that the religion had erased many cultures including Norway’s Norse mythology.  (Aites & Eweel)

 (Faust of Emperor)

           Another key story involves, Faust, of the band Emperor. After a late night of drinking, Faust had an encounter with a homosexual man. He was so offended by this that he stabbed the gay man to death. The other murder involved Euronymous and Vikernes. The former owed the latter money for records sold. One night in August of ‘93, Vikernes decided to confront Euronymous at his apartment in the middle of the night. Vikernes ended up stabbing Euronymous over 20 times. Vikernes claimed it was in self-defense, but that is highly questionable. Vikernes ended up getting arrested and was sent to prison for 21 years (Norway’s Maximum) for committing the crime. He got out in 2009 after serving 15 and was released on probation. (Norwegian Black Metal Part 3)

(Fenriz of Darkthrone)

           None of this nonsense is prevalent in the scene anymore. The look, sound, and themes of Satanism is still here, but not the church burnings or murders. Mayhem still exists, and is releasing records while touring. Vikernes still records under the title of Burzum, but now favors electronic music. Bands like Darkthrone are still releasing records but now the scene has calmed down and is strictly about the music. Black metal has artists from all around the world, but none of them are as infamous as the ones from Norway in the late 80’s and Early 90’s.

References

Aites, A., & Ewell, A. (Directors). (2008). Until the Light Takes Us [Motion picture on Amazon    Prime]. American: Variance Films. 

 Dunn, S., & McFayden, S. (Directors). (2011). Metal Evolution [Motion picture on TV]. United    States: Tricon Films. 

 Hagen, R. (2011). Musical Style, Ideology, and Mythology in Norwegian Black Metal. Metal         Rules the Globe, 180-199. 

 Kissel, B., Parks, M., & Zebrowski, H. (2017, September 10). Norwegian Black Metal Part 1        [Audio blog post]. 

 Kissel, B., Parks, M., & Zebrowski, H. (2017, September 15). Norwegian Black Metal Part 2        [Audio blog post]. 

 Kissel, B., Parks, M., & Zebrowski, H. (2017, September 21). Norwegian Black Metal Part 3        [Audio blog post].