#like we're all adults. i had to decide whether to get an alcoholic drink or not (opted not)

[bladeofthestars]

.

[swimfaye]

What to drink now?

It was last year when I first got the LOOK. I met up with a group of women whom for one reason or another were in town or nearby and we're going to get together.

I arrived a mere 10 minutes late to the table where the four other ladies were sitting when the waitress arrived and asked me what I would like to drink.

Granted, I barely had finished saying hello to the group when however absent mindedly I answered the waitress with "Oh, Rum and Coke please" The waitress smiled and said great.

As I took my seat at number 6 chair at the table I got THE LOOK. Was it matronly- no, shame- possible, or straight judgement - yes. What I had either forgotten or just didn't have the common sense to remember but four of the ladies were non alcoholics or recovering.

Honestly, it didn't register until all the drinks were brought and I figured out what the look was for. Mind you, no one outright said anything until our meals arrived but, yikes people I forgot or again just wasn't paying attention. Which really is the truth. I didn't order a dozen or so I just ordered one and sipped it through the night.

Yet, it was mid bite that I got my downgrade "Well, we can't invite Patricia if she is going to be drinking alcohol" I tried my best to smile and try not to throw it in their face that it was them who would arrange weekends tasting wine and day drinking. I simply took it. Not wanting to get into an argument, but that is the thing...the holy than thou attitude continued

In response to my lagging workouts " Drinking wine will not help your waistline" I tried to nod in agreement without pounding on the table about how the speaker would go to a barre class then over to a wine bar nearby.

I just paid the bill for the table answering " Well, If I am going to be a martyr I might as well foot the bill for your meals" It was enough to get them to shut up and one venmo'd me some funds to cover their meal but, most felt justified which is sad.

I just left the table and went home. A week later I got an text, " Are you okay?" from my biggest bully and I simply stated "I appreciate your question, you take care ! " I admit I understand why people stop drinking. I know several people whom have stopped drinking and gone into programs.

Here is the thing, my rule of thumb is to simply do Arnold Palmers or Ice Tea when in public unless its all good to enjoy an alcoholic drink. My weakness is when someone else is paying and its really good wine or its an event.

But here is the thing you gotta know that the event or the party is non alcoholic beforehand. Equally, because I know the struggle is real from Trivia Nights at Wine Bars to Octoberfest socialization sometimes is a trigger for alcoholic indulgence but it doesn't have to be that way.

I enjoy going to the Exploratorium or Museums completely enjoying the experience sans alcohol yet, there appears to be alcohol EVERWHERE whether its advertising or some actor you follow. Suddenly, there it is like a gremlin or gravity tripping you up and you have to be an adult and reinforce the no alcohol.

I was volunteering and the subject came up and I didn't notice one of the ladies that was at the dinner was there too ( literally I am just not seeking these people out ). I related my tale and explained that I didn't know and in a group of strangers the debate continued. When I mentioned paying for the meals the other volunteers were shocked and said it was too much all the way around. The bullying and the osteraziation.

Afterward, I got a text from one of the woman who said "You really shouldn't have paid, but you also should have sent your drink back and not had alcohol "

I honestly did not know what to type back for the longest time and decided " Your meal was $32.58 would you can venmo me otherwise Take Care of yourself"

I have not heard a peep since. While losing a social group that I will inevitably see later this year is disheartening I don't think bullying is the answer. Simply take a piece of advice, start with water and go from there.

good luck because everyone is judging you.

[rebelwrites]

Trying Not To Love You

Clay Spenser x Reader

A/N: This is Part Two To “Can’t Give Her What She Wants” But Could Be Read As A Stand Alone Fic. I Just Couldn’t Leave It How I Did 😂 Rebel Isn’t Good With Angst Without A Happy Ending.

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Clay Spenser Masterlist

This Months Writing

You call to me, and I fall at your feet. How could anyone ask for more? And our time apart, like knives in my heart. How could anyone ask for more? But if there's a pill to help me forget, God knows I haven't found it yet. But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to.

The moment Jase saw the cheap bottle of whiskey on the coffee table alongside one of Clay’s dog tags laying next to it, he knew what type of night you had. It had only been a month since you and Clay went your separate ways and everyone could see how much it was hurting both of you. He also knew that after your party for one you would definitely need some strong coffee.

“Hey sleepy” Jase said, nudging you as he put a fresh coffee on the table.

“Urgh” you groaned pulling the duvet over your head.

“I see you enjoyed a party on your own last night kiddo” he said pulling the duvet off you.

“Enjoyed wouldn’t be the word I would use” you sighed running your hand over your face before reaching for the coffee and grabbing Clay’s dog tags running you finger over the engraving. “Unless you class knocking back shit whiskey and crying as a good night, then yeah it was a good night”

“It will get easier” Jase said sitting next to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder “I mean you’ve been camping on my sofa for the last month now, and that tells me you aren’t ready to give up on hope yet”

“Or I just don’t want to be alone so at least I have Emma and Mikey around when you aren’t” you sighed. “I just want this constant ache in my chest to go away, nothing helps me forget Jase and right now I want to forget”

“Well can I suggest taking a shower” he laughed trying to lighten the mood. “Because you smell like a brewery”

“I’m gonna go for a run” you said, sipping your coffee before slipping the dog tags around your neck, tucking them into the hoodie that belonged to Clay. No matter how much you tried to get rid of the hoodie and dog tags you couldn’t bring yourself to do so. “I need to try and clear my head”

“The boys are coming over soon, so if you aren’t ready to see him yet I’d go soon” Jase sighed squeezing your shoulder he hated how much this was affecting the both of you.

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far. Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart. Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor. And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for. 'Cause trying not to love you. Only makes me love you more.

The moment Clay walked into Jase’s house his senses were attacked by the smell of the body spray you always used, he knew you were staying here even if you weren't speaking to him, the sight of your trainers on the shoe rack, made his heart hurt. They were only simple things but everything that related to you made that cut just that bit deeper.

No matter how much he tried not to love you it only made him love you more, Sonny was right you were his other half and life without you was hell.

The moment he walked into the living room, he saw Jase folding up the duvet, placing it in the corner of the room along with the pillows and the teddy bear that you only slept with when you slept alone. He also spotted one of his hoodies thrown over the back of the sofa.

“Is she here?” Clay asked.

“She’s gonna for a run” Jase sighed “she needed to clear her head and shift the hangover she has from nailing a bottle of cheap whiskey”

“How is she doing?” Clay asked as he picked up the empty bottle.

“She’s hurting, just like you are” Jase said with a sad smile.

“I just don’t know what to do” Clay sighed as he sat on the sofa resting his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands. “Where do I go from here? I’m trying not to love her but it’s only making me love her more”

“You just got to give it time man” Sonny said squeezing Clay’s shoulder. “It’s only been a month”

“I’m just lost without her”

And this kind of pain, only time takes away. That's why it's harder to let you go. And nothing I can do, without thinking of you. That's why it's harder to let you go. But if there's a pill to help me forget, God knows I haven't found it yet. But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to.

No matter where he went or what he did, he was tormented with memories of you, everything he did always came back to you making things harder. No matter how much he tried to forget he couldn’t. Everyone was right, you were his other half, the person that made everything better.

So he found himself knocking back the shots, distancing himself from his brothers, trying to do anything he could to forget the pain he was feeling. But nothing was working, he couldn’t bring himself to change his lockscreen. Pulling his phone out he stared at the picture of the two of you that was taken around a year ago, he was pressing you against the wall and you were both looking into each other’s eyes with smiles that shine brightly.

He knew he shouldn’t but he found himself writing a text out to you but deleted it before he even sent it.

It's trying not to love you, only goes so far. Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart. Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor. And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for. 'Cause trying not to love you. Only makes me love you more.

“I’ve never seen either of them this low before” Ray said leaning against the counter of Jason’s kitchen.

“I don’t think any of us have” Sonny sighed. Their voices were hushed as you were only on the sofa in the next room. “They are both putting away a serious amount of alcohol to try and numb the pain”

“You do know you aren’t as quiet as you think” you said walking into the kitchen, all their eyes landed on Clay’s hoodie you were still wearing. It no longer smelt of him but you couldn’t part with it, it was like your comfort blanket. “Jase you are in my way”

“I’m not moving,” he said, folding his arms across his chest. “I’m cutting you off the spirits”

“Fine I will just go to the pub then” you huffed storming out of the kitchen.

You knew drinking wasn’t the answer but for a short period of time it numbed the pain, but it never lasted too long.

“We should go with her” Ray sighed. “With how she is feeling she’s gonna start a fight just to feel something other than the heartache she’s feeling”

“I know someone else who is exactly the same” Sonny sighed “but maybe this will work, they haven’t been in the same room as each other for the last two months and I know full well Clay is at the pub”

“You think that maybe if they see one another they might come to their senses?” Jase asked.

“Exactly that”

The moment you walked into the bar you ordered a couple of drinks, tucking yourself into the corner where no one would see you. But from across the room you spotted one person whose mood reflected yours. Maybe coming here was a bad idea, you knew he would be here but was this your heart's way of saying that you needed him.

Leaning back into the chair you watched from across the room having an internal battle on whether you should just go over to him or not.

So I sit here divided, just talking to myself. Was it something that I did? Was there somebody else? When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears. Sat right down beside me, and whispered right in my ear. Tonight I'm dying to tell you. That trying not to love you, only went so far. Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart.

“Hey little buddy” Sonny said, sitting beside Clay. “You know it’s bad luck to drink alone right”

“Maybe I want to be alone” Clay sighed.

“Just reach out to her man” Jase said, pulling the beer bottle to his lips. “We all know that you and Y/N are just being stubborn, trust me she is no fun to live with at the moment”

“Yeah well we both decided to go separate ways” Clay snapped.

“Oh come on man you and everyone else knows that you two are meant to be together” Sonny said, glancing across the room to see Ray chatting to you, he didn’t know what was being said but he saw the tears in your eyes as you nodded, standing to your feet and started walking across the room. “But if you want to sit here feeling sorry for yourself then who are we to stop you” nodding at Jase they both stood up leaving him alone but knew he wouldn’t be alone for long.

“Clay” you sniffed fighting back tears as you sat opposite him. You waited until he looked up, his mood matching yours. “I can’t do this anymore”

“Do what?” He whispered looking into your tear filled eyes.

“Be apart from you any longer” you said fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie you were still wearing. “I’ve tried everything in me not to love you anymore but it only got me so far and if I’m being honest it only made me love you more and the more I tried not to need you just tore me apart”

You didn’t expect him to reach across the table, squeezing your hand, the contact making your heart feel a little lighter.

Now I see the silver lining of what we're fighting for. And if we just keep on trying, we could be much more.

“I think we made a mistake “ he whispered, brushing his thumb over your hand, sending sparks through your body. “The last two months just made me realise I don’t want anything other than you, I don’t want this life if you aren’t by my side”

“What we had was so special even if the last couple of months wasn’t the best” you whispered “we didn’t go about it like adults would, we let the communication break down. But I can’t do this without you, and I don’t want to do it without you” reaching out you placed your hand on his cheek as a smile appeared on Clay’s face.

“We gave up fighting for love but I see it now, maybe we can try again” he whispered, his blue eyes glistening with hope as well as tears.

“I’m willing if you are baby” you whispered, brushing your thumb over his cheek as his smile grew.

“Maybe Sonny was right all this time, soulmates always find a way back together” he whispered before leaning across the table placing a gentle kiss against your lips. “It’s a nice night tonight. What do you say we go for a walk?”

“Just like our first date” you said laughing for the first time in months, standing up you held your hand out in front of him, he wasted no time standing up linking his fingers between yours as you left the pub without saying bye to the guys.

You always believed that having a soul mate was a bunch of bullshit, until this moment. You both knew that you wouldn’t go back to how you were a year ago and it would take time and a lot of communication but it was a road you were both willing to travel, no matter how long it took.

'Cause trying not to love you. Oh, yeah, trying not to love you. Only makes me love you more.

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