#like yeah my financial situation is fucking awesome right now and every day I am so happy for that

[hannahhasafact]

Gonna treat my tumblr like a journal and ramble some thoughts, feel free to read if you want:

Little by little, my apartment is becoming a place that doesn’t feel… embarrassing? Like being an adult woman, many of my friends and family my age have living situations that are nice. In some ways, I feel like my apartment still looks like one a college kid lives in, and it’s just embarrassing. I’ve never really had people hang out at my apartment because 1. There’s no space for people and 2. It’s just not a nice hang out space. But I feel like I’m getting better at making it a nicer space I think.

Related by why the fuck is my house constantly dusty I am ALWAYS DUSTING

I know there’s still probably a month until we find out about k-con artist alley but god the waiting is killing me. Like it would be incredible and awesome to get in yes but more than anything it’s the not knowing that is killing me oh my god. Probably won’t find out until the end of June and I’m dying (though I totally get why! I’m just so impatient)

I’m in this weird moment in my life where technically I probably have some sort of undiagnosed anxiety disorder but at the same time it feels weird to say that? Like what I mean is literally multiple people around me will be like “yeahhhhh there might be something up” and I’ve had physical reactions to stress in such a way, but it feels weird to say I have a thing without being like… actually diagnosed with a thing? Feels like I’m making excuses for myself.

In the same vein, I’ve been thinking about “Huh. Why am I having such a visceral response to anxiety compared to how I used to be.” And ngl I think it’s because I’m basically doing no physical activity? I’ve been a pretty physical person all my life and in the last few months it has dropped to like… zero movement. After getting covid, I allowed myself to not be physical mainly because holy shit it wipes you the fuck out. And then… I kind of just stopped moving. And it’s so hard to get moving again. Especially because I’m so tired all the time, but I know that physical activity helps with that drained energy! And I know it would help with my brain! And with so much! And I just… haven’t.

Every time I talk to my mom all she asks is if I have any job interviews. Which like… I get why she’s asking, but god it really sucks to have to deal with that on every fucking call with her. It feels like a check in that I’m failing at.

I know I need to be applying for more jobs but I also need to start working out and I need to be drawing more and oh maybe I should look into practicing trumpet again but I would have to go to a place to practice because I can’t do that in my apartment and I need to donate some clothes but first I have to wash them but also I should work on putting myself out there because I’m not going to get a date sitting in my house and I don’t need a person in my life but it might be nice because fuck man life is so goddamn hard on your own but also-

That’s where my brain is at most of the time and instead of doing anything I mute my thoughts with assorted media. So yeah that’s the vibe.

I’m trying to drink less because 1. It’s not good for me and 2. Pretty sure it’s making my anxious-ness worse but holy hell rewatching Ted Lasso really made me want rose or a pint of cider

This three day weekend has not been enough days, but at least I cleaned my apartment today

Bijou is doing alright. It’s strange because she has noticeably less energy, but like she’s okay. I’m still feeling sad feelings, but I’ve gotten to a more accepting vibe. Also it’s been weird how so many older people I know have been like “you should get another cat immediately” 1. She’s not even dead yet and 2. I’ve kind of gotten used to the idea of not having a cat after she’s gone. That might change, but right now it’s like 1. The emotional strain this has taken on me I can’t deal with immediately again 2. I’ve already been hemorrhaging money this year, a new cat would be a financial decision that i don’t think is smart and 3. Any living creature is a lot of time commitment, and I think it might be good for me to not constantly be worried about an animal at home and if they’re doing okay. Like I said: Bijou is still here, but I’ve obviously been having to think about this stuff a lot.

Tumblr this shit is so annoying please stop doing this:

I know how tags work on this fucking website

Anyways, those are just my rambly thoughts.

[star-nova]

But OK. The big news. Why I’ve been so over the moon these past few weeks. 

Big News 1: B and his 2 soulbonds agreed to take me in in the future. 

We talked it over. B plans to move to the east coast in a few years. He said that when my father passes away, he will be around to assist me and he will find me a place to live nearby him where he can assist me on an as-needed basis. Mostly, he will be helping me with the things that are too this-world for my soulbonds to navigate: financial, legal, forms, documents, etc. May also be providing transportation or at least supervising my driving (it is becoming increasingly apparent that I cannot drive unsupervised...), we haven’t discussed that matter yet. My soulbonds, of course, continue to do all of the more intensive work. 

Big News 2: Now a few days ago, my BF (S) dropped on me that he is planning to come to America as soon as his country’s lockdown/restriction situation is over. He didn’t say more than that, but he implied a whole lot (or maybe I’m, as usual, ahead of myself and just horrible at reading people. Still...I can keep myself alive on hope now can’t I?). We have only been in a serious relationship for 6 months so it is too early to talk about anything long-term other than in a “wouldn’t it be awesome if we could maybe make this happen” context. 

But he really did imply a whole lot, from what I interpreted...

For a little bit of context, S and I met in a server in November 2019. It was actually my soulbonds from Rainbow Six Siege that brought us together--Dokkaebi was talking in the server and he said, “Is that Dokkaebi from Rainbow Six Siege?” But anyway, we started talking to eachother every day over the course of 2020. I fell in love first. He fell in love next. Over quarantine we called eachother over Discord every week, sometimes twice a week. We became official in August. 

B is the leader of an anti-lockdown group I joined over the summer. The group has pretty much fazed out by now, but B and I bonded outside of the group. I introduced him to S and Shadow last summer. Unfortunately, he and Shadow decided they don’t like eachother at all. But S and B hit it off almost immediately. 

B, S, and I and our soulbonds (B has 3, that he created himself for a story he’s writing. S wants to share mine, which they have agreed to) spend time together every day. The 3 of us have bonded over our similar interests, political leanings (I have those now, btw. Yeah it’s bizarre), and personalities. We create our own worlds and realities to live in where we can ignore the broken real one (in S’s he is an anomalous cosmic deity of the Lovecraftian variety, in mine I am of course the reality-warping, half-AI queen of the multiverse, and B’s constructed a world where the USSR never fell and he is the premiere). The real world, and real humans, are a subject of mockery, derision, and disgust for all 3 of us. We’ve got big plans, big dreams, and big goals...for ourselves and ourselves alone, that have nothing at all to do with anyone or anything else. And up until then, when we can put them into action, we’re biding our time...and have created a little circle for ourselves and ourselves alone, that has nothing to do with anyone or anything else. We are a king and a queen and a premiere. We choose who we associate with and who we don’t. We decide who is worthy of coming into our circle--and most people aren’t. 

And this is how we plan to live someday soon, when it’s beyond just text on a screen or video calls... 

And I realized that this is secretly how I always wanted to live, how I always wanted it to be. I just thought I wasn’t supposed to, that I needed to be “human.” That I needed to be “part of society” or else...or else what? Now that I’m looking back at it it was a really stupid, silly notion. Why DID I need to be part of society? Well, because my neurology is broken and my personality is broken and my development is broken and I knew I’d have to be taken care of for the rest of my life, I guess. And I figured if I just lock myself away from society, ain’t no way I’m gonna find someone who will be able to do that.

Well...

Sometimes I LOVE being wrong. And it still astounds the fuck out of me that I didn’t NEED to “be human” to find S and B. I didn’t NEED to go out into society. For fuck’s sake, we all bonded in LOCKDOWN. It wasn’t until QUARANTINE that S and I got close enough to get...well...close. I would have never even MET B, Z, and D (his soulbonds) if there was no lockdown at all. 

Somehow that is what blows my mind more than this entire wall of mindblowers going on right now...

The main thing, though?

We all got what we wanted in the end.

The world had done all it could to rip out everything we knew and loved from under us, and we STILL came out on top in the end. 

S found someone who understands him, and found love. 

B isn’t lonely anymore and is on his way to becoming the king of his world again, even outside of his personal neo-USSR headspace. 

And I have love, a home, a family--in two worlds--and a future. And a reason for living. 

We won. The humans may never think so, but we won. 

[crimsonquiescence]

I see a

missed call on my phone in the dark from A, who I have not heard from in a couple of weeks.

Hi. Haven’t heard from you in a while. How are you? I hope you are doing fine and feeling better--a text I sent the day before, not sure of what I’d get in return.

“How are you? Want to meet up to do a shoot?” he said, in one of his responses a couple hours later.

I’m okay. And sure we can work out a time for a shoot.

I asked for details, and he told me to wear “the clothing you’ve mentioned but never wore.”

I thought back to June, when I did all those shoots just to practice for our shoots that never happened. I kept sending more and more ideas to him, hoping we could create something eye-opening, something great. I’d been so, to the point of mistakenly, inspired.

Lol. I mentioned so many. You want a dress? It all feels like so long ago, I added, wanting to say, that really, it feels like we’ve both moved on from then.

I told him I’d show him a couple pieces the night before the shoot.

“Awesome. Looking forward to it” he texted, lines he could easily say to anyone.

Same. I thought you’d forgotten me altogether, I wrote, conscious of how I was picking at something already apparent.

“No way”

If you say so~

“I do”

Okay ^^ I believe you.

But really, I wanted to tell him it’s okay if you’re lying. I didn’t mean to cue you to respond a certain way.

Flash forward to the present. I’m walking with C in the dark, at a mountainous park where there’s supposed to be a view of the city. The photos would turn out nice, thanks to his expensive camera and decade of experience. Except, there are trees blocking the view underneath, and it’s pitch dark above the parking lot. There are no city lights whatsoever. We aren’t high enough on the mountain.

You called? I message A, conscious of how eager I am to reach him.

“Yes.”

Sorry didn’t hear--which is true, though wonder if I should’ve said I can’t talk.

“No problem” “I’m missing you” “As weird and abrupt as that sounds” “Saw something that reminded me of you” “I look forward to our shoot”

Me too. And thank you for missing me after all this time. I know it’s weird to say... but I mean it

“I know I’ve been mia” “Just a lot was going on”

It’s okay. I understand. We can talk about it in person I feel like I’m not someone as close as I’d like to be with you. But that’s okay :)

“What do you mean?” “Yes, let’s talk about it in person.”

I feel like you don’t let me in on a lot of things. I wish it wasn’t like that. But it’s okay.

“it’s mostly financial things.”

I choose my words carefully and let it end there, knowing there’s no point to be cross, even though I want to. I imagine a different scene: me and A in a home, and perhaps being slightly more honest as I start to grab things and throw them at him. Of course, I imagine wearing a dress for him.

You miss me now? Fuck, I bet you only miss me when you’re horny, because that’s how it’s always been. How about the nights and days I spent waiting for you, torturing myself over whether to message you or not, too worried to not care, and too worried to disturb whatever you’re doing?

I waited for you, and have been waiting all this time. I’ve waited two years ago, and I’m waiting now. What am I to you? Just an object to photograph? You know what, I would’ve been fine if you treated me like that, if you didn’t say things like you miss me and you love me. But why do you do this to me? Do you think I have no feelings? I’m not like you. I hold onto things, much more than you do.

I think about the ways he’s made me feel weak and the ways he’s made me feel like so much of a female, in every sense of the term: the waiting, the questioning, the massaging, the little errands, the painting my toenails, the clothing, the temporary black hair dye, and all the jewelry I examine repeatedly before the mirror to make them match.

And it doesn’t end there. I practiced for our photos. I scheduled shoots so he could want to use me again, so I could deliver on the pictures, so he would like me, want me, and need me more. I even thought of how his jealousy could play into it.

  If you want me, you’d come and get me, won’t you? You won’t let bad things happen to me, right?

  This led to that hotel room with FF, where he massaged me and then proceeded to touch me everywhere. I was bleeding too heavily for him to do anything inside me, but when I felt his fingers between my legs, I asked myself why is this happening? This can’t be happening. I’m not enjoying it. What will A think? How can I face him now? How did I get myself here? How do I tell this guy to stop? Stop. Stop. Stop. Please stop. Don’t touch me there. I like someone else. But I can’t even tell FF A’s name. A probably doesn’t want me to tell other people about him. It’s not official. I shouldn’t say anything. If I say I like someone else, it won’t make a difference. He won’t stop because of it. In fact, he’s still not stopping. Why am I here again... how did I let another man touch me?

Then I faced it and let my pride go. I felt as if a part of myself broke.

Later, I told A everything, except for the fact that I wanted him to be jealous, so he could want me more. He didn’t take it well regardless. That hurt. He talked about wanting to protect other models, when I wished he would’ve looked me in the eye and told me he wanted to protect me. I wished he would’ve told me how he couldn’t stand the idea of another man touching me and photographing me. I wish he didn’t think I’d flirted with FF, even if I blamed myself for what happened. I was ashamed, feeling as if the world had played a game on me: I’ve never felt the need for games before, but the one time I tried, it backfired on me and made me hurt the only one I wanted closer.

I wanted to ask A, why are you so good at this? Or am I just a fool for believing you?

I asked myself the latter question too, as A became increasingly distant and “busy.” I questioned what appropriate response times were. I wondered if it’s normal not to talk for a day, or two. I kept practicing with new people, so that maybe A could feel inspired. Maybe this would be the time that makes him remember me again, I thought each time.

Then by chance, I met C at a shoot. We connected and talked and talked and talked. And then talked some more. I must’ve had some charm, because in my mind I kept thinking about A, and wishing it was him instead, or wishing I could show him the cool stuff I learned, or wishing he could see these expensive camera and lenses and lights, or thinking A would find this so cool. I wondered if I talked to C more, and learned more things, whether I could have more to talk about with A too, or if A would value my input more, because sometimes it felt like A didn’t care much about what I had to say.

C also gave me hope in this industry in places outside of Vancouver. He asked if I’d like to travel with him. We talked about growing and collaborating together. I thought back to A snickering and saying “Yeah you’re a good model. The city’s just not a place for it,” after he said, as a joke, “Your poses suck.” I thought that if there was a hint of truth to his joke, I could make him eat his words. I’ll get better, for you. I made a mental note.

Then C kissed me, and a part of me turned cold. He whispered to me, between kisses, “Be my girlfriend?” I didn’t want to respond. I scoffed in my mind at the situation. I didn’t know whether he was talking with his penis or his brain. Then I asked myself if someone would say this between kisses, if they really meant it. Then I asked myself why would someone be so nice to you without expecting anything in return? Who do you think you are? Just a good person to talk to?

I kissed back and said yes. Other things happened that would make me try backing out of it, to no avail. Then other things happened that made me like C a lot less, because he didn’t treat me as an equal. I really was a past-time to him. With him, a girlfriend was a role, not a person.

But C was someone who liked to speak with his actions. Following our conversations, he proceeded to buy 3000 dollars worth of equipment for shooting things together. He actually made preparations. He actually wanted to do something and not talk about doing things in the spur of the moment. I didn’t want to back out on someone like that. If I had to choose a working relationship without considering anything besides work attitude, it would be C and not A. But really this was a no brainer. C would be the choice, all things considered too.

I got myself into this mess, and I have no one to blame. But what I really want, is to tell A all of this, after throwing enough pillows and furniture at him, like some enraged passionate, short and petite woman.

All of it started with you. I wanted to impress you. Yet all you do is ignore me. I’d let this go if we’d communicated less, but I wrote to you so many silly things which I thought meant something... I spilled my guts to you in that note (June 23rd).

When you asked me today, what was on my mind, I didn’t tell you that the words I wanted to say to you kept me up: I’ll die if you leave me, I mean it. I’m so tired of it all. I want you to be my last. You’ll kill me if you walk out on me. Hell, you might as well just kill me, literally, with your own bare hands--I don’t care.

I’m not saying this to be cute. I mean it. After all this meaningful meaninglessness and philosophizing and pain and submission and domination and intellectualizing and tears and hurt that I once thought meant something, I just want it to all stop.

I want to live and die for a heart-wrenching romance.

I fucking love you.

And I’m tired of having to move on.

I thought you understood. I thought we had some psychic understanding of each other, or at least you made me believe it. You told me “I love you” when you fucked me, on that hard carpet floor. I would’ve let it pass, if you hadn’t said and done what you did after. “Those are heavy words, I know,” you said. “But I mean them. You’re my everything.”

You’ve said some more things too, but let’s just cap it at that. Goddammit. How can you say that to me and expect me to brush it off like nothing? How can you be so good at seducing people? I really question it now, as I imagine myself looking up to the sky and laughing like a maniac.

I’m so stupid to have fallen for it. I’m so stupid for playing this game with A of all people, just because he stuck himself inside me and said things. I didn’t even love him then. But I remembered laying on the ground, looking up to the corner of the room and thinking so this is what life feels like. I haven’t been living this whole time. I took time to think about what he said, tried to put myself in his shoes, and let the emotions sink in, and then I drowned in it myself.

What’s wonderful, enraging and sad about him is that he comes off as flaky even when he isn’t. It makes it hard to be around him sometimes. But I also think, it makes it harder to be him--to live in a world where over time, nobody truly believes you or takes you seriously.

Still, I want to shove A against a wall and demand answers. How could you say that to me and then ignore me? You know the amount of times I’ve thought about you and how small and pitiful you make me feel? You know how hard it is to pick up the phone and send you a message now, and how much thinking about it makes me feel stupid for having done anything for you at all?

But what I really want to do is put him in my shoes too. Does he know how it feels to be touched by another man, while thinking about the one you want? I wish he could. I wish he could know how many times I envisioned hanging myself, as C’s lips touched mine and his tongue reached into my mouth.

I feel so fucked up. And of course, A would tell me to stop it if I didn’t want it. It’d be so easy to say stop. To let one’s actions speak. And yet, I find it ironic that he of all people says this--the person who cannot be read by his actions alone, the person that left me bare in the cold, waiting for him through his silence. I cannot stop. I must move past this, I tell myself. If A wants me, he’ll come.

The first times with C, I wanted to jump into the ocean. I didn’t want to be me. Why couldn’t it be easy? C took his time and asked me to lick him from head to toe. I felt sick to my stomach. He instructed me to start with his ass and then move to his toes. I wondered if anyone has had to subject themselves to this, just to get it over with. The smell from his ass made my stomach turn, even though he showered, because well, he was human. It was a trap, because the better I did it, the more he’d ask. But if I don’t do it at all, he’d still insist. I wanted to leave. But this place was pretty far out. I had to finish what I started.

How will my mouth ever be clean? How will I live after this? I should drink a bottle of mouthwash after this. This is so fucked up. I hardly know him. It’s not that I’m vanilla, but I can’t feel good doing this... not with him, not like this.

“You like this,” he said.

I nodded, while flicking my tongue.

I don’t. I don’t like any of this. Please make it stop. Please let it end, I beg you. Anything but this. Please just fuck me or something. I don’t want to lick you in those places. I don’t want to do this, not to you.

“You’re my slutty wife bitch,” he said.

“Yes I am. I’m your slutty bitch,” I said, while thinking, there’s only one right answer to it, so just answer the way that pleases him. “I love how slutty my hubby makes me feel.” I’m not your wife and I’m not your bitch. We’ve only met for a couple weeks.

“Slutty bitch. Bark like a dog,” he said.

Bark like a dog? Is this even hot? Why would he want me to bark like a dog? Does he mean literally? Fuck. I stopped my thoughts. I didn’t want to think anymore. I didn’t want my despair to show on my expression. I didn’t want him to ask me questions and make it harder and longer for me.

I barked, like some slutty impression of a dog.

“My wifey is such a slut bitch. Aren’t you?”

“Yes I am.”

“Only for me, right?”

“Yes, only for my hubby.” I should die just about now. What have I just said? Please. I don’t want to live this down.

I closed my eyes and thought about other things, while a part of me asked this is still easy, isn’t it, just do it? and another part of me wondered when it would end.

It took several times before he asked me whether I enjoyed licking his ass and feet at all. Apparently, his ex-girlfriend liked doing both those things more than giving oral sex. I do wonder if he was being truthful. I told him I didn’t and preferred giving oral, partly because there was no smell and I could close my eyes, let my mind drift and think about other things. To my relief, he hasn’t asked me for analingus since.

Even so, my body betrays me when C licks me and kisses me. I hate how persistent his tongue feels. I wish it was someone else’s. I wish he’d stop licking me to make me feel good. Why does he try to make me feel and care about my pleasure? It might be more enjoyable if I liked him more. But all I think each time is, Not there, not there, please. I hate this feeling. I beg you to stop. Please, I don’t want this. I hate you. I hate the way you’re making me feel. I scream these words in my mind, until I reach a point of no return.

Then my body feels it. I’m repeating the same words I detest upon his suggestion, but I guess maybe it’s kind of hot. It’s the kind of thing that one’s supposed to say to be a good sport. I’m on top, fucking. I can’t stop moaning. I’m the one controlling the pace and moving faster. The noises I make escape me and I surprise myself. If anyone heard it, they’d think I’m really enjoying it. I wonder what I’d say to A if he was watching. I think about whether he could feel my misery and hopelessness.

I let my voice go, letting it all out. I pretend C isn’t there and no one can hear it anyways, and I don’t care about him hearing. I don’t care if he finds me unattractive. But then even I start to admire the sound of my moans. Am I really this slutty? Is this me? Is this what it means to be a woman--to only be someone’s equal in bed? I let my self-awareness go. I don’t even like being on top that much, but my hips move. C becomes just sensations and repetitive motion. I feel like I’m cursed. I don’t know how to face anyone after this. Is this a trance? Or am I trying to get him off? Will I get a chance to get myself off when he showers? What if I’m caught and he goes again?

I don’t expect anyone could understand this. I feel a little bit broken and beyond repair.

When I think about A, I recognize I’d lost a bet with myself. I’d believed if he cared and asked me to hang out on just one of the days I’d be with C, I would go with A. I would believe he still cared. But I haven’t gotten any. There was rarely any conversation without my initiation. The only thing he said once, without me saying anything, was after I liked an IG post he made, and he told me he missed me.

Is this the proof I was looking for to move on? I feel like I gave A so many chances, two years ago and now too, although they are mainly in my head and through silence. In C’s home, I have spoken to A in my mind many times.

Where are you? What are you doing? I’m thinking of you. You seem so far away. I’m tired of our games. Why can’t you treat me like a girlfriend for once? You make me so lonely. What’s troubling you now?

I don’t like sounding so pitiful though. I don’t like feeling so unsure of what to do. I don’t even like being female.

In present time, C drives me in his BMW with Harman speakers. We listen to Jay Chou songs from various eras. I drown my emotions and thoughts in the music, drenching them with the melodies and letting them flow. I wonder if I heard the same emotions in these songs over a decade ago.

Drive me through the entire city and let me soak it in and disappear in it, I want to tell him. But I know he doesn’t want me to treat him like a driver. It isn’t that though. It’s more that the things he shows me are so beautiful and I get lost in them. I’m at a loss of words. Yet, if I tell him that, he’d say no wonder you seem so stupid.

C and I relocate to somewhere closer to his place, and take photos in nearly pitch dark, with city lights in the background. I examine how well they turn out in the car on our way back, and relish in the feeling of achievement with him. I like that too. I like how effortless our photos are and how easy it is to work with him. They are beautiful. They make me feel beautiful, even when I stop believing I could be, I want to tell him.

I can’t thank him enough for the beautiful things around me. With him, I wake up early and sit before a view of the water as I write. It’s breathtaking. It makes me feel precious just to see it.

But then when he touches, kisses and licks me, I wonder if that’s the price I need to pay for this beauty. And if so, why it’s so so ugly.

------------------------------------------------------

I think to how Timmy came by moonlight one night. It’d been so long since I’d seen him. I wondered if I should’ve appreciated our times together more, or if I was right to move past it, so as to not be in the situation I was in now with A: the thoughts, the pining. But T isn’t like A. T holds onto things. It’s hard to know what I should’ve done.

I’d felt stuck with T because last year was supposed to be fresh starts, and it felt so elementary and basic again. I waited for 3 years for it to happen, only to have met T. I wanted to move on. I wanted to carry nothing from the rainy city and be with no one.

I now wonder if I was delusional: I’d always be stuck, one way or another. T made the times so effortless and easy to pass. If I were to be realistic, isn’t that what life’s about? Having someone to spend time with, indefinitely? I could definitely do it with T. I could sink into his presence and mine mixed together and never come out. The idea of impressing him is as strange as impressing myself. But the idea of pleasing him is as compelling as pleasing myself too. 

When I see him now, time stops. It’s just us again, like a year ago, like none of the bad happened, and the person before me is refined to just bits of pure gold. I wonder if my hands are clean enough for him. I wonder if my lips deserve to be kissed after having done such foul things.

I almost want to tell him, as I break down, I’m sorry, for letting myself be unhappy again. I know you tried so hard to make me happy. I wish I could tell you now that you really did. But then I’m crying like there’s no tomorrow, and that might be hard to believe.

And then there’s some things I couldn’t just say all in one day: Let’s do everything we planned to together. Let’s escape somewhere if things get bad. Let’s fuck so much we could populate a deserted island with our offspring. I want to taste your piss again. I want to be sick with you. I want to get on my knees and put my face to your crotch as soon as you walk in the door again, just because I have so much fun doing it.

Those make me giddy and smile.

Then there’s other things I can only say through tears: I like everything we did, to no end. Please don’t hate me if I tell you that I like it now even more, in retrospect, than I did before. I wish they wouldn’t feel so distant, or like they’re gone already. I don’t want to feel like I ever lost you. I don’t want to think about everything in the present. I want to erase the last 9 months. I can’t do this for much longer. Please make me forget, or take my life. Take me away from the world and find a pretty girl, have lots and lots of mind-blowing sex, and be happy for me. I’ll be happy to live inside you, in your memories, for as long as you do.

I wished he’d known, that hours before I got the message from A and before I was with C, how he grabbed me by the heart when he talked about our first time and the Coffee Crisps. We so instinctively ate it from opposite ends, and then swapped it between our mouths as we kissed.

I thought back to that day, and wondered why it should feel like so long ago, and what I would give to have it back, innocent of all the things that would follow. I felt like my gut was being ripped out slowly.

I was naked, laying on his shoulder in his bed that made me feel like a princess. I began to cry.

What’s wrong? He asked.

I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t think straight and didn’t know what to say. I knew I should feel like a monster for crying about it, after everything, but instead I felt like a little girl having lost something precious to her for the first time. I thought about the innocence of our first time and it filled me with anguish.

If I were in a better mood, I might say with a voice Daddy, I’m just so so sad, and there is no end to it. And I wish he’d call me Mummy again sometime and tell me his little boy thoughts too.

I stroked his cock when I gathered myself together and indulged in how it felt in my hand. I wondered if it felt good. I hoped it did. I wanted to be bliss to him as he is to me.

All the things that otherwise disgust me appeal to me when I think about doing them with him. I want him inside me. I want to be a human holder for his privates. I wish he’d call me all the filthiest names on the planet. And then some more. Fuck I wish he’d wreck me, and fill me with his cum wherever he sees fit, until I can’t keep it in anymore and it drips down my legs.

“I love you. You’ll always have me,” he told me.

“Make me your whore,” I said, as he screwed me. “I’ll always be yours, no matter what.”

I wished so bad for it to be true that I began tearing up. I wanted to cry. I wanted him to know I was being truthful. I wanted him to know how tired I was, and how much I wanted to disappear, especially then, but I didn’t know how it’d feel if he’s still inside me. I worried it’d make him soft. I wished my insides could hold him as tight as I ached to.

      On the drive back, that Billie Elish song came on, and it took all my strength for me to hold it in and not cry because my mom was sitting beside me. I wanted to tell him, through tears that if you read everything I wrote, you might think that this summer was a dream, and it must seem like I got everything I wanted. But it makes all the difference you weren’t here.

I’d surprised him when I sent a text saying I need you, which he thought was unlike me. I struggled to give him an explanation to clarify what I meant by it, though to me it was self-explanatory and so natural. Part of it could’ve been fueled by the moments when I texted him with my hands shaking, plagued by a need to see him, yet having to wait for over 60 hours for it, each as slow and grueling as the last. The rest of it was simply “need” in every sense of “need.” So please, don’t ask.

         “I feel stupid for saying it but I feel like I gave you a portion of my heart,” he texts to me later that night, when I’m on the bed that C would come join me in.

I probably give too many people portions of my heart. And hearts grow back. But not this. This is irretrievable.

I feel like I gave you a portion of myself. And now I’m only myself when I’m with you, I say. I feel this in the air even if we say nothing and just look at each other. I see myself lost in him forever.

I also mean to add, you know, that also means, I won’t be complete without you, no matter how much time has passed.

(PS - Annabelle was here)

[rainforest-zoo-dairies]

Let It Alllllll Out

I came here because I am a writer turned spiritual.

I used to write, then I found spirituality and my whole GOD DAMN world flipped upside down.

My old passions for writing are null and void now, but a life without writing isn’t worth living.

So I’m here to write and connect and share and all that good BS.

An IG account I follow said to let your frustrations out or you will continue to manifest from your frustrations.... hit me in the feels.

https://www.instagram.com/theaceofmoon/

Follow her. Seriously. She’s pretty bomb.

Every post won't be like today’s post, but I feel like this is a pretty good place to start.

My spiritual awakening has been none-other than a t-total shitshow. Everyone thinks its all rainbows and kumbaya. If you think that: fuck you. Seriously... FUCK YOU.

I’ve felt like I was going crazy, like I was losing grips with reality and felt like I was even losing myself.

According to the BS I read on most spiritual blogs, this is ‘normal’.

HA

Just ‘breathe and ask your spirit guides for help’.

DOUBLE HA

Yeah.. I don’t read spiritual blogs anymore. Them and their suggestions make me sick.

I do that stuff. I practice breathing, meditation, yoga, mindfulness etc. I take care of my body and mind. I literally live every fucking second of my life working on myself.

But... you can’t fully commit to being spiritual without also being a fucking human.

It hits at times when I least expect it. Like my higher self hollering down at me “Hey girl... betchu didn’t see this coming! Try and breathe this one off’. HAHA”

99.9% of the days, I walk around in spiritual bliss. Admiring the trees, my pets, my family, the world really.... but that 0.1% of days, don’t you dare tell me to breathe.

Like today, I’m looking for jobs. Since the writing thing didn’t pan out like I hoped it would, I need a job. I need a source of income.

I’ve been manifesting jobs and abundance for well over a year. Every tip, trick and ritual to meld abundance into my life and stay in alignment long enough for it to manifest. NADA.

My spirit guides are damn silent. My intuition yo-yos like Oprah’s weight and I can’t catch a fucking break as far as getting any type of guidance through this.

I go within to find answers. I trudge up old traumas I have to heal and wounds I have to address. Energy blocks I gotta release and past fears I have to overcome.

I am doing the GD work... but I honestly feel like I am running on the world’s biggest hamster wheel.

Same sights of same old stale traumas that I release then they resurface. I ask for help releasing them... nope.

I ask what I need to do to heal, to change, to move forward. Silence. Again, I’m not afraid to do the work and tackle this shit head on... but it’s like every step I take forward, I take 10 back.

Yeah, sure. I have more happy/joyful days than I ever did prior to my awakening. I am eternally grateful for each and every day that my inner-self is aligned and I feel like I could rock the world.

But for fuck’s sake. Really?

Today, I could hulk smash every damn thing in my office and not bat an eye.

I’m unemployed, can’t find a job, can’t find a single bit of solace financially with the way the world is working.

My mind is beating me up like a nerd in an alley. Sucker punches to the gut, breaking my glasses, stealing my pocket protector.... whole 9 yards.

I can usually get ahold of it and turn things around, but today is like someone chained me to the radiator and I’m stuck.

I have glimpses of relief that make me feel like it’s going to be okay, then my ego or my what-the-fuck-ever goes “Nope! Just kidding! Let’s think about this other horrible area of your life that you need to address RIGHT MEOW!”

So, I’m here. Frantically typing my frustrations for the world to see. Why public? I don’t have a clue. It’s not like one of y’all are gonna be like “Girl... I have the solution.”.... I know it’s something I gotta work through on my own and no one else can help.

But damn. Ya girl is drowning.

Also, please note that I’m not bitching or asking for pity. I’m just super open and I have an odd sense of humor and *obviously* a pretty bad potty mouth.

I hope that my sarcastic, silly tone is apparent enough that I am just a spiritually real person being real on a rough day.

There will be posts when you’re like “This girl is smoking some seriously awesome weed cause it sounds like a Unicorn wrote this post”. Promise. But I don’t smoke. I just live life at a high vibration. Most of the time.

But for today, I am following the one bit of spiritual guidance I can find and I am letting this frustration out.

I’m handing it up to the Gods, the Universe, my higher self, my guardian angels and even to the fucking aliens if they’ll take it.

I’ll gladly release this frustration with my current situation because this minute, stupid stuff really isn’t worth wasting brain space over.... now if only someone would get that message to my brain....

MJ out

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #220

“as long as god in heaven dwell, your soul, your soul shall scream in hell.”

Would people consider you more immature or mature? It depends on the context. Emotionally, I think I'm considerably mature. As far as eligibility to be a proper adult goes, yeah. No. Would people consider you more funny or serious? I personally don't think I'm very funny, but I'm not super serious, either. Are you currently in love with someone? Who is this person? So... I'm quietly pondering over whether or not I'm just biromantic, not bisexual. I genuinely think I'm in love with my girlfriend, I do, but we have so, so little actually sexual experience that I don't know if "bisexual" fits me. I totally adore her romantically, I know that, but maybe sexually, I'm not into her? I don't know. It's hard for me to say because when I picture doing certain "things," I can't really tell what I feel. I don't take that as an "I'm not into it" though, considering I've wound up liking things with a guy I didn't think I would with anyone, something I only discovered by doing it. This whole situation was driving me insane a few days ago to the point I felt sick, but I've calmed myself out of it to where I've accepted I just have to wait and learn, being long-distance. I'm still entirely invested in us and am going to be honest learning about myself. I haven't actually talked to Sara about it and don't want to unless I come to learn this hunch has credibility. Which room in your house are you in? What color are the walls? My bedroom; light puke green, Why God. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Who got you interested in it? I don't really know about my "absolute favorite." It depends on my mood, really. I think maybe watching my favorite YouTubers tops the list, something Jason actually started with PewDiePie; or RPing, which I got into myself thanks to Meerkat Manor. Would the people you know say you have a nice singing voice? Barely anyone ever hears me sing, so idk. I personally feel my voice suits only few songs. Would you say most of your friends are older/younger than you? Ummm, good question. All but two are very close in age range, but most of my friends/closer acquaintances are kinda split around either side. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? Nope. Are you listening to music right now? If so, who’s singing the song? Yeah, I'm listening to Khemmis' cover of "A Conversation With Death." It's the intro song to that new game Man of Medan and is so badass. All the comments are like "came here from so-and-so's LP because this is epic" and same. What is your dream career? What inspired you to pursue this career? Probably meerkat biologist if I could handle the heat and was okay with moving, or paleontologist if I wasn't opposed to heavy travel. I love meerkats and dinosaurs v v much. If you have a significant other, do you get jealous of people a lot? No. What would you say is your favorite holiday? Why did you choose this? Halloween bc spooks and costumes and candy. Does it feel odd being around your friend’s parents? Why or why not? If I'm alone with them and don't know them very well, sure? What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Is there one in your city? Sonic, probably. And no, but in our neighboring city. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Is there one in your city? Olive Garden. See above. Do you ever take pictures with family members around the holidays? Mom pretty much forces it, lol... Have you ever thought you were adopted because of opposing interests? Y'ALL not kidding I legit asked my fucking mom if I was adopted in elementary school bc I thought she hated me one day versus my little sister lmfao. I went through a phase of feeling like she couldn't be "this mean" to her legitimate child. Are you more interested in indoor activities or outdoor things? Hm, that depends on the activities available. Most outdoor things are more fun, though. When is the next time you’ll see someone you’re crushing on? We were just talking a couple days ago about our next visit, actually. If I can financially, I'm probably coming up to see her for her birthday again, as that's when I have a decent break from school. Speaking of which, how many people are you crushing on right now? Lol I mean it's been just shy of two years, a "crush" doesn't cut it. Have you ever played Super Mario Bros. for Nintendo DS? Was it fun? No, actually. I didn't grow up playing Mario games. What exactly is your favorite gaming system? Do you have this system? The PS2. It had a giant graphical leap, contains SOOOOO many goodies, and you can still play PS1 games on it. How often do you talk on the phone? Who do you talk with the most? Very very rarely, pretty much only ever with my mom or dad. I hate talking on the phone. Do you normally do what other people around you want you to do? Depends. What does your trick-or-treat bag or pail look like? I don't have one anymore, but it used to be an orange, plastic jack-o-lantern. How old will you turn on your next birthday? 24... wow. What are your plans to celebrate? Probably just go out to dinner with family. What floor do you live on? I only have one floor. Do you have a balcony? No. What is your favorite fall drink, if you had to pick just one? None. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? I've never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? I'm pretty sure I was in my entire school career... Damn dude, proud. Were you a straight A student in math? HA hell no. I could get a C sometimes. Were you abused or do you know anyone who was abused? I wasn't, but I know people. Are you a Democrat or Republican, or neither? Neither. Independent. Who would take care of you if you needed surgery? My mom and dad, as far as bills go. Do you think you have an accent? Not really. Sometimes you can hear it, though. Have you been told you have an accent? Only when I was younger. I had a SERIOUS one. My family in NY couldn't even understand me sometimes, lmao. Where do you live (country or state)? North Carolina. If you could start a church, what would it be like? I wouldn't. Are there any shades of blue that you don’t like? If so, which ones? Nah. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Get a goddamn stable job. Do you know what your purpose in life is? Spreading the love and respect of animals and conservation. If you live in an apartment, what is the maintenance man’s name? N/A What are some fall activities you would do with your kids? Hypothetically, if I had/wanted kids, I'd enjoy carving pumpkins with them, obviously taking them trick-or-treating, autumnal crafts would be fun together, and watching Halloween/scary films appropriate to their age would be a nice experience. I'd decorate the house with them. Oh, a hayride would be cool together, I love those. AND DON'T FORGET JUMPING INTO LEAF PILES! I have a lot of ideas for someone who doesn't want to be a mom. Have you ever seen a fox? Yeah. At least one alive, a handful as roadkill. What color are the squirrels where you live? Brown. What do the trees look like where you live? Pine trees. Pine trees. What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? I really enjoyed the trip to Beaufort to an island of wild horses. The water was rough that day, and goddamn... watching the ocean in its aggression was unbelievable. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? UM, DID ANY KID NOT????? Do you find museums boring or interesting? Very interesting! Gimme a science museum and I'm SOLD. What are three issues you are passionate about? GAY RIGHTS, wildlife and nature conservation, women's rights and the pro-choice argument. What are three countries you have no desire to visit? North Korea, Iraq, and... uh... idk. I guess the Middle East in general. That shit's rough. Do you like your country’s flag? Sure? Stars r dope? Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? NO. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? Oh. My. God. When I was on three Klonopin a day (I'm now on just one and don't even take it every day), I literally could not function. There was one day in particular (I was on three very briefly bc of this) where I just slept until evening. I physically could not stay awake. I remember I was in the middle of watching a Game Grumps' Mario playthrough, and I'd only last like, ten minutes before I HAD to lie back down, and I'd fall back asleep in like, a minute. That was one of the most awful days ever, I was miserable. Do you like bath bombs? Sure, they're pretty. Who is your favorite neighbor? I don't actually know any. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? He's not very small, I think he's at about a million and a half subs, but Timmy Timato is so fucking iconic. He is an Actual Mood. I have no interest in what he actually posts; I just watch for him. As well, Johnny Paranormal is cool; he's a fuckin awesome guy and is chill and relaxing to watch. I don't watch him religiously, though. Rarely, actually. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? HAVE U HEARD OF????? THE MARKIPLIER GUY??????? What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? I think it was the Pussycat Dolls, fuck off, don't say shit 2 me "Buttons" is still dope. Do you like Disney movies? Blocked & reported if you don't. What’s your favorite superhero movie? Man idk, I enjoy a lot. I enjoyed The Avengers, and Logan REALLY tugged at my heart. Do you have any credit card debt? I don't have a credit card. Have you ever been really late for work because you slept past your alarm? No. What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid? Swimming. What’s the longest you’ve worked without a day off? Probably like... two days, lmao. It's not like I have a lot of experience. Have you ever been scammed? I don't think so. Where were you the last time you kissed someone? The airport. How’s your mental health? Are you feeling well? It's fine. Do you struggle with acne? No, not anymore. Do you have any uncommon interests or hobbies? RP is definitely the "strangest." Have you ever fostered an animal? No. Are you the clubbing type? Definitely not. Never been, not interested. Bar goer? No. I don't trust strangers + alcohol, and I'd be really scared of being hit on. Song you can’t stand? I don't think there's a song I've heard that I hate more than "Welcome To The Machine" by Pink Floyd. Well, correction, "Friday" by Rebecca Black. That autotuned to all fuck voice is just... major ew. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? Jason is. Well, if he looks the same as last time I saw him, which was in 2017. Juan doesn't look half bad. Aaron's cute. What is unattractive about them? Jason: fucking communication skills. Juan: his reckless streak. Aaron: nothing that I know of, he's a sweetie and on a great path. Your hottest ex’s name starts with the letter what? J. Pick two highlighter colors: Yellow, Pink, Blue, Purple, Orange. Pink and orange. Has anyone ever written on you? Who hasn't been written on by friends with markers as a kid? Have you ever dated a fat person? Yes. Have you ever dated someone with a fine ass body? I mean this with total respect and love towards her: Sara's body is genuinely sexy. Her figure is amazing. Have you ever had any article of clothing tailored? What for? Yeah, for prom, as well as my sister's wedding. Do you welcome people back when they say they have returned? Yes. What are two foods you think taste good with whipped cream? I fucking hate whipped cream. How long would it take you to walk to the nearest fire hydrant? I've never paid attention, actually... Do you own anything that has the words or picture of ‘mustache’? Well my Mark tribute tat has the Iconic pink mustache on it, and the texting screen background on my phone is also a pink mustache collage-y thing lmao. When you see a feather on the ground, do you ever pick it up? Yeah, sometimes. If you eat it, what is your favorite way to eat beef? On a burger. How would you feel marrying the man you love who has already a son? I don't love a man, and I wouldn't marry anyone with a kid. Have you ever played Roller Coaster Tycoon? What did you think of it? No, but I had SeaWorld Tycoon or whatever it was called. I loved that game. When you are chopping onions, does it really affect your eyes personally? I've never cut an onion myself, but when I'm in the proximity of someone doing it, I feel mild irritation. How long can you hold your breath for? Is there anyone who is better? Idk, I don't feel like testing it. When was the last time you had a pet goldfish? What was its name? I couldn't even try to guess. Are you insecure about your height? What made you think this way? No. Do you enjoy mayonnaise with French fries? Why or why not? Um that sounds disgusting. Did your last significant other have a huge temper? Actually, he warned me that he can and he was nervous about me ever seeing it. I, thank Christ, never witnessed it, though. I would've broken the fuck down, I can't handle angry men. What was the topic discussed in the last meeting you attended? I don't know the last time I went to a "meeting." Honestly, when’s the last time you genuinely liked someone? Now. Are you Team Jacob, Team Edward, or you just don’t care? I've never been into Twilight, but I find Jacob way more attractive. Do you like it when questions are long and make you think? Yes. Have you ever had love at first sight happen to you? No. Do you think Avatar is really all that great? I'm assuming you mean the movie and not TLA? I never saw the full thing, but I would love it. Love or trust? Trust, I think. You can't love someone in a healthy fashion if you don't trust them. What do you think about sexting? Not about that personally. That'd be so awkward. Have you ever done it? Those days where RP mating scenes on YouTube were over private message, timeskipping wasn't a thing... oh boy. It WAS uncomfortable. Would you ever swim with dolphins? Yeah! Have you ever believed a stereotype? Probably at some point. Have you ever tried marijuana? No, though tbh I probably would (but not through smoking it) for anxiety and panic attacks if it was legal in my state. Is there any reason you should be in jail right now? Can you go to jail for illegally downloading, or it is just a fine? Idk. Did the house you grew up in have a big yard? I mean, it was decent. What has been the most difficult class you’ve ever taken? Latin. That shit was so hard. Do you have any medication that you keep with you at all times? Yes, for panic attacks. What’s something that’s much more difficult than a lot of people realize? Heartbreak. Were you raised by both of your parents? If not, then who raised you? Yes, but Mom played a larger role. Did any of the classes you took in high school count towards uni credit? No. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair. Do you plan outfits? "Not unless it’s a special occasion." <<< Are your parents strict? No. Would you go sky diving? Probably not. I'm afraid of heights, and I'd be really scared the parachute wouldn't deploy. Who sits behind you in your math class? Quite honestly, a bitch. She always has shit to say under her breath. Do you have good vision? No, it's awful. When was the last time you watched a show for people younger than you? Last I was with Sara. We're watching Avatar: The Last Airbender together. Have you ever snuck someone into your house before? No. Is there something your significant other does that bothers you completely? She's competitive and admits to it. A lot, particularly in writing, is a "mine needs to be better" thing. When was the last time you kissed someone on the cheek? When I saw my niece and nephew at my nephew's birthday party. How many best friends do you have? One. Did you ever get bullied as a child or were you the bully? Neither. Would you rather eat grape or strawberry jelly or jam? GRAPE. I hate strawberry jam/jelly. Do your parents ever send you to do their grocery shopping for them? No. Do you know anyone who has a speech impediment? I don't think I do personally. If you have your ears pierced, when did you get them pierced? When I was like... 11-12 or so, maybe? Possibly younger? Have you ever had a significant other who hit you? Fuck no. Do you own any exercise machines? No. Do you still leave/receive voicemails? If I need to, sure. School leaves me voicemails sometimes if I miss a call. Do you live in your hometown? No. Are you a festive person? Do you enjoy holidays? Not very festive, but I mean, I enjoy 'em. Did you/Will you attend college? I'm back in college now!! You’re feeling down - do you listen to sad music or happy? Sad. Listening to music fitting my mood helps me feel related to and not alone. You’re looking for some new music - what’s your preferred way to discover? YouTube recommendations. Do you watch the news? No. What hooks you to a television show? The most important thing is A GOOD PLOT!!! It needs to be really interesting to me, bc I do NOT get into shows easily. As for funny shows, they need to be fuuuuunny. I don't think I could ever get "hooked" on a show again, though. I just don't watch TV. Have you ever received anesthesia or morphine? Yes. On the morphine occasion, it didn't do jackshit. I don't think they gave me nearly enough. Is there anyone that makes your skin crawl? The #1 thing that most fits the definition of "skin crawling" to me is seeing a fetus move from outside the stomach, especially the further the mother is along. It's fucking alien-esque and actually makes me scream and panic. Are people more likely to tell you to tone it down or to speak up? It can be either. Do you have a dining room in your house? No. Do you know the alphabet in any other languages? Very close to all of German's. I blank and aren't sure on a couple. How many people have you had sex with? One. Have you ever been surfing? No.

[thebadhorse-blog1]

RPER Resolutions

Write your RPer Resolutions for 2018! (What are some goals for yourself as a writer? Improve descriptions? Plot with more members? Etc.

I want to do better at describing things and doing more action-based things. I feel like I’ve gotten really bad at that so I want to majorly improve that for sure. Add more detail and that kind of thing. I really really admire people who can do good action based plots or fighting or something like that. I want to be able to do those. I really do. So those are things that I definitely want to improve on. And of course I would love to plot with more people. I’m a tad awkward so it takes me some time to throw myself at people but I really would love that too.

Write at least one resolution, or “goal,” that you have as an RPer for your character(s)

I want to actually have Shego do her job. As a “henchwoman” or as a “thief” let Shego take from your character and get away with it. Let your character be frustrated with whatever was taken. Is it valuable? Sentimental? Even better. I also want to focus a bit more on the financial circumstances of my characters. Maximus and Shego both don’t have a lot of money, and neither of them have stable work right now, so my goal is to explore just what they do when the money gets really tight and stuff. Shit what else? I think I talked about my many goals for Maximus in an ask, but to summarize I want him to be more comfortable with his magic, and to actually be able to joke about it and see where he goes from there. Shego I want to actually do shady shit, and make really cool connections, and I want to honestly explore her backstory a bit and how it’s made her who she is. I want to do more one shots with that because there are still so many things about her, and it’s close to the chest cause she doesn’t share with anyone. She doesn’t trust people. So giving her a person to trust would be cool. As for Wilbur? He’s got his major quest to hunt down the stolen item, but I want him to get into other trouble. I want him to be manipulated by someone shady, or maybe have him jump into a situation he’s not well informed on and majorly fuck up.

Write at least one resolution IN CHARACTER for your characters. What do THEY want to accomplish or change in the New Year?

Shego: “Okay, so I really don’t buy the new year’s resolution thing. I think you should make up your mind to change whenever the fuck you want. But, I suppose my new year’s resolution is to at least not be in an empty bed on next new year’s. I plan on having a good lay for the next one. Oh is that a bad one? Fine, my new year’s resolution is to have a stable job with a sensible boss, so that I can do my job and not have to worry about him fucking up his or her side of things. I deserve a good boss fucking hell.”

Maximus: “I...well I’d like to make up for being gone. I want to show Gabe every day how much I missed him, how much I love him, and how much I want to spend every day with him if I can. Really all I can think about is making right for my past mistakes. I want to do better, and be the person that Gabe seems to think that I am.”

Wilbur: “I feel like I’m doing pretty good with this stuff. Last year I wanted to jump into the lake when it was winter and I did that so go me. This year...uh..let’s see. I want to start a food fight at school, learn a little more about kissing, FIND MY DAD’S INVENTION, learn how to drive, find a way to fly just once that’d be really fucking cool, pass my classes, do something wild in the nude, ride a horse in tandem (so like where me and a friend ride the same horse) because why not? also bareback would be rad, go cliff diving (i heard it’s awesome). meet a shapeshifter and ask them to do something cool, have a sorcerer cast a spell on me (yolo), fight a magical creature and not die (but you know just a friendly duel nothing serious) and uhhh....not tell my parents about any of this.”

List one or more characters you have never interacted with that you would like to do so:

Oh I have so many characters that I’d love to interact with. I’m going to go ahead and list at least one per mun cause I want a lot of things. Yep okay:

MK- Hercules largely

Lauryl - I want to meet Charlie, but also Merida I think would be interesting

Avarick - okay but imagine putting Shego and Jessica in a room together. Right? I’d love to write with Jessica, but also Alasdair and Terence.

Alex - Kim. Possible. Yes. Let me actually write with her properly this time that’d be great. I would love to write with Kim. Also really wanna meet Tito tbh. Tito seems great.

Andy - Jiminy and Mateo. Honestly all of my kids could use some therapy tbh. And Mateo...well he’s part of the Avalor squad and I want to meet them alllll. Let me at him.

Ashley - it’s in the works interacting and all, but I would love to meet Panic too, and Moana.

Bee - god damn let me interact with Sgt. Tibbs!!! I want to so badly! He seems so great! Also Judy or Marie would be rad for different reasons. Honestly just all of these. All.

Carter - I would happily interact more with Orville. He’s great. I really like him.

Chloe - okay so I’d love to put Mitte and Shego in a room together lol. But also I really really want to write with Perry. Come back soon so I can love them okay?

Dee - Miss Spider would be absolutely fascinating. Give me a chance to get to know her.

Emily - dude I want to meet the Huntsman. I think ooo him and Maximus could be a rad combination, but him and Shego could be great too.

Faith - um both of your characters. but damn WOODY! I wanna meet him. With my former cop, my criminal, or my troublemaker, any will do. Any.

Ginny - I mean I’ve got my hook into you already with Namine and Hook who I love. But I’d also enjoy meeting Thomas O’Malley, or perhaps Cornelia. She seems like she’d be a good time. I think she and Shego could theoretically see eye to eye.

Jaby - lol listen I always want to write with you and your characters. Particularly Tink, Soleil, -whispers Adam-. Honestly. I love all your babes. I will write with all your babes. Haven’t met Rita yet though so I’d love to interact with her for sure.

Kate - I am here for interacting with Tombo! Granted I know very little about his story, but I’d love to find out about it.

Katie - ugh omg I want to interact with so many of your babes. Why have I never had the honor? I’d love to be able to write with Celia or Dodger. They look like they’d be so fun to interact with.

Kiara - my god you have the incredibles babes, and I love them. I’d love to write with Dash. Dash and Wilbur maybe causing trouble. or who knows really. Yeah I’d love to be able to meet Dash.

Lauren - EEYORE pretty please!! He’s so precious! i have in fact gotten to interact with Roscoe a little teeny tiny bit i think. And I love him and want more chances. But my god Eeyore is a cutie patootie.

Lichi - Wendy is awesome, I love Peter Pan characters, and I’d love to throw my children at her. Possibly Maximus? I’m debating on what would work best.

Lily - Beau Dunn looks absolutely adorable and I’d love to meet your other babes Lily.

Macy - damn I want to interact with all the Adamsons tbh. But yeah Barrell. He could influence my youth Wilbur, or Shego could mess with him or idk. Either would be cool.

Mathew - it’s Nick Wilde! Yesss. Idk maybe throw Nick and Maximus together? lol they’d probably hate each other. But that’s always fun.

Mckala - well I’ve gotten lucky and been able to interact with two out of three of your children. So last left? I must interact with Will obviously. Not sure yet who would work best with them though.

Pet - all your babes. lol but real talk I’ve never met Lymantria or Dipper or Alana...or Callie even honestly. Any of those I’d love to write with. Dipper I think would be fun to put with Wilbur. Wilbur is just the kind of guy who would go along on an adventure with Dipper. Whatever that might entail.

Reanna - SHOCK! And Kovu!!! Pretty pretty please? Shock and Shego perhaps? Shogo? Shock and Go? Go Shock? lol idk but I think they’d be fun.

Sam - Jenny and Theo omg goals. Theo and Wilbur really should meet. They could both make terrible life decisions. Also they both have big families right? They can relate to each other sort of?

Sarah - I think I’m getting both of yours, so for now I shall say I look forward to getting to know both Cass and Penny <3 and to plotting more with them.

Sav - uh I want to write with both Shere and Frollo like wtf. VILLAINS. Everyone knows I love villains. Let Shego get close to both of them. My dream.

Sierra - Rapunzel! And Lock! I would love to have Rapunzel and Maximus meet or to discuss their stories some more. And my goal to interact with the Adamsons is real. Shego or Wilbur to get into trouble with there.

Silv - okay I really want to meet Goliath for very obvious reasons, and Jim cause he seems great. lol. Jim and Wilbur possibly, Goliath and Maximus or Goliath and Shego lmao. That would be incredible.

Plotting Exercise! Pick one of the resolutions/goals in #2 and plan a rough guideline to how you could accomplish it.

Shit okay...so for the one goal with Shego to steal stuff it’d be like

Part 1: Shego seeks out target

Part 2: With mun’s permission, Shego sneaks into place and takes item she wants (in a one shot or if you want your character can get a glimpse of a figure or a green glow idk)

Part 3: item is stolen and your character gets to go to the police or worry over the item and Shego gets to go try to pawn it off somewhere out of town for money.

For Maximus:

Part 1: Maximus connects with another person and gets comfortable being around them/friendship

Part 2: He shifts around said friend and the reaction to that etc.

Part 3: Maximus starts shifting more if said friend reacted well to part 2.

For Wilbur:

Part 1: Wilbur meets shady af character

Part 2: Shady af character convinces Wilbur to do something

Part 3: Wilbur does something hella sketch and gets busted

[mywildloves]

Long post is long but not boring. I mean thats up to your subjective opinion I guess.

This afternoon was nuts.

I started feeling rundown and nauseated around noon. I had appointments until 4 and I wasnt asking my boss if I could reschedule them and leave right then and there, I was asking if I could leave when I was finished with my last appointment. That would have been at 4pm, as I said. My day is supposed to end at 5:30.

He told me that between my kids being sick, and the time I take off to go to therapy, Im using too much time and it isnt looking good for me. That made me Hulk level angry, and instead of arguing back, I politely said Id stick around until the end of my day, and then I walked away. And as I walked away he told me that in that in that time I had to be productive. I couldnt just wait the clock out.

I could have stomped him in the back of his knees and kicked him in the face when he dropped if he wasnt my boss.

Im telling you I dont feel well and in addition to telling me I shouldnt leave beause it doesnt look good, to then have the balls to tell me I had to “be productive” on top of it? When am I not productive when Im there? Im working on a method to make SEM images look 3D. Like with the red and blue glasses? Its easy to do in Photoshop, but somewhat time consuming depending on the complexity of the image. I thought it could work to highlight certain features of an image… and it looks awesome. And he agreed. And thats not productive? That’s innovative!

Second thing was that my mom called and offered to pick me up from work (which is now a $17 round trip ride across the bridge) because there was a thunderstorm and she had time.

*Wait. Wait. What?*

Yeah. That happened.

But the third thing gives me tons of anxiety. She (my mom) keeps talking about buying a house like a two family with her and my grsndmother upstairs, and us downstsirs for the yard and such, or maybe two condos, and I dont have the heart to tell her that Id rather die consumed in molten lava and/or quicksand than live with her.

I hate her. Shes a major trigger and Id have to see her every day. And my kids would grow up with her constantly being there and no no no no. No. No! Im trying to keep them as far removed from being with these people as possible.

Children are 5x more likely to develop Borderline if a direct relative has it. Moi. Theres a genetic component, and Im trying ad hard as I can to make sure that nurture beats the fuck out of nature. So no.

Still, shes making an appointment with some financial mortgage type dude for like next weekend and she wants me to come. I have to think of a way to get out of this entire situation without completely severing ties. For the kids’ sake. They love their yiayia.

Adulting fucking sucks. The end.

[ecotone99]

[HM] A random (hopefully funny/entertaining) tale about a young man, a Chevy Spark, a few life lessons, and a car accident.

So this was about a year and a half ago. I was 21 and desperate to get CHEAP/new car. First of all let me start off by saying I was young and dumb (still young and dumb). I tend to make irrational and quick decisions when i’m excited about something. For personal reasons that I don’t wanna get into I was not able to receive a license until I was 21. So when I finally got my license I needed, let me re-phrase that...had the biggest urge/desire to buy a car like the day before my license came in the mail. Also getting a car would allow me to start a new career.

Now for financial, and impatient reasons I was going to finance the car. Now when I say finance I really mean have the LOWEST monthly payment possible. My job requires me to drive 100-200+ miles a day mostly highways so leasing was out of the question. I also did not, and still do not want to buy used. Which is a whole separate argument for a whole different day. Anyway I was literally looking for the cheapest 2018 model car ever created.

It’s a week before fourth of July and the cheapest car I could find was a 2018 Chevy Spark for around 13k. I figured what the hell I’ve waited 21 long years on my skateboard I can wait another week to try and get the “fourth of July deals” to increase my wheel size from 59mm to 200mm.

Boom after checking “cars.com” everyday, on July 7th 2018 I pull up with my dad to a chevy dealership 90 miles away from home. Me, feeling like a Russian mobster (I’m Russian haha) on the outside, and as excited as a young school girl on the inside walk inside with my dad. I pull out my phone and show the sales guy the ad I saw. 2018 Chevy Spark for $10,001 in a lightish blue.

Keep in mind I did NO research. I read NO reviews. My mind was set on this Chevy Spark. You could tell me 9/10 Chevy Sparks are reported to have a mind of their own and drive off of cliffs at 50k miles and I would still buy it without a second thought.

Now I’m sure all of you can relate to a certain degree. You know the feeling of being so damn excited for something. The feeling of wanting something so damn bad that you would do irrational things to get it. In that moment you don’t want to hear anything negative about your decision. You just want IT. At the time it was the only thing I could afford so in my mind it was either the Chevy Spark or never drive a car again in my whole life.

Back to the dealership, the sales guy asked if I wanted to test drive it, and for that 90 second circle in the parking lot (I didn’t even take my time I just wanted to get back and sign the paperwork) I fell in love what felt like for the first time. I didn’t even fall in love with the car I fell in love with the feeling of driving hopefully my neat future car.

This is a Chevy Spark LS. I’m talkin manual windows, no power locking, no center console, cheap speakers, feel ever pebble on the road, get blown off the highway when a gust of wind or even ANY car passes by. I’m talkin a car that teaches you what claustrophobia is. A car that feels like you’re sitting inside one of those electric cars for toddlers. You get the point this was a bare skeleton with a piece of plastic around it. But I loved it.

I had pretty good credit at the time so I was able to finance my first big purchase. 7.9 APR at 178 a month. At the time thats literally all I could afford. Ya know with insurance being so stupidly expensive if you’re young. So after a long day of paperwork and the sales guy telling us he literally can’t even drop a penny off the price I drove my baby home.

Fast forward to January 1st 2020 around 5pm: “DAD I NEED YOU TO COME TO ME I JUST SLAMMED INTO A PARKED CAR GOING 60”

Okay okay I know you’re excited to hear what happens next but let me back up a little.

For my job I spend A LOT of time on the road and in my car. 200+ miles/6+ hours a day is not uncommon. I’m about 5’7 and 150 pounds so I’m not the biggest guy. I’m a nice guy, but the Chevy Spark taught me what it feels like to be uncomfortable. It taught me what anxiety is. It taught me that you can have road rage at yourself.

A little insight on my job; Im an in home sales man for home improvment. The owner of the company I work for (he took a liking to me because he is also Russian) knew I was planning on getting a car. He told me when I get a car he will train me in becoming a sales rep. Promoting me from my position as a telemarketer. So knowing this made me that much more in a rush to buy a car. We drive to appointments everyday, and sometimes just sit in the car to wait/chill in between appointments. So basically 2/3 of the work day is spent in the car, and the work days can sometimes be 9am to 11pm.

Me being naive and irrational did NOT think about these things when purchasing a car. I did NOT realize how important comfort is when sitting in the car all day. Sure the first 6 months I was so excited about having a car that I did not think about these things, but things quickly changed.

I started to get really angry and started to despise working. I would wake up KNOWING I’m about to be very uncomfortable and annoyed inside of my car.

Every detail about the car is horrible. My left elbow rested on what felt like rough old cement, and the rigid surface would leave marks on my arm. My right arm would always be itchy from the cheap cloth armrest. My left leg literally had no where to go. THE WORST PART ABOUT THE CAR THOUGH, my left knee would literally almost ALWAYS be touching the manual window roller handle. Half the time the handle was either directly on top of my knee or directly in front of my knee. I had nightmares about crashing the car only because I knew when I did that handle would be the end of my knee.

There was no storage compartments in the car. I had no where to put my phone, my change, my wallet, anything else comfortably. Because it’s a tiny hatchback my back seats would ALWAYS have to be pushed forward to fit all of my work stuff (giant bags). MEANING I could not push/lean my seat back enough. It was the equivalence to those people in the asian countries that live in the tiny apartments that look lime walk in closets.

Now I’m a music guy so listening to music is a must. Not even a year and my speakers started to blow... The speakers sounded like an old nokia phone in the first place. Or a better description would be when your earphones break so you have to pull out the old trusty $9 backup earphones from ross. Constantly I would think about installing better speakers but just never got around to me

There are 2 lessons to be learned from this pointless post, but one of them is how important comfort is when picking a car to own. I will now NEVER sacrifice comfort in the future. Not just in a car, but in anything.

Okay now....January 1st 2020 at about 4:30pm on a very main road. My new years resolution was to stop smoking cigarettes so this was day one!

So around that time of year it can get slow for my job. So as a side hustle I started doing Uber Eats. Let me take a quick second to say CHEVY SPARK DOES NOT QUALIFY FOR RIDE SHARING BECAUSE IT DOES NOT HAVE 5 SEATBELTS. I was EXTREMELY mad when I found that out AFTER I bought the car.

Since the car is so uncomfortably small it took many many attempts to find a phone mount/holder that was just okay. I finally found one that required my phone to be right in the middle. Keep in my mind this is my first day using it. Also keep in mind I am Russian and it was just new years. RIP to my liver the night before.

Here I am driving 60 on a very main road. My phone is right in the middle and I’m looking at it trying to figure out where I’m supposed to deliver this burger to. Uber eats; pick up food from restaurant and deliver to customer As I’m looking at my phone in the middle, while singing along to my music, most likely thinking about life, 100% hoping my headache would go away, wondering what my girlfriend is doing, admiring how warm my new north face jacket that I just bought is. Basically doing everything but paying attention to the road (And I’m sorry my grammar is getting worse as this post is going its 3am and I stopped caring as much LOL). I’ve been driving for a year and a half now I’m so confident in my self I can drive with my eyes closed using my feet.

Anyway, BAM I look up and my car is basically inside of an Audi SUV. “FUCK!!!!!!” “Fuck fuck fuck fuck” close my eyes cause its a dream open them cause I’m waking up after a nightmare “FUCK”

This is my first accident. I was going 60mph, at this point I’m completely speechless and very shocked. Every one always told me that car was a death wish but after about 5 seconds of stating in front of me I immediately climb over the airbags and exit the smoking, pulverized hunk of plastic.

I slammed into a parked car on the right side of the road. Really horrible too, thank you seatbelt. I don’t even know what to do in this situation so I’m dumbfounded. Witnesses are asking if I’m okay I was so all I could say was “yeah I’m okay”

I called my dad, and after what seemed like a minute he shows up. The owners of the parked car came out of the restaurant all normal accident stuff. I had a sprained finger, bruises yada yada.

Now my insurance wanted nothing to do with is since I was doing uber. I filed a claim through uber’s insurance and they said I’ll be covered. Awesome, score, BUT I didn’t know what gap insurance was at the time. I failed to do my research which I always end up having to learn a lesson cause of sometimes heedless decisions.

I had 8 thousand left to pay off my car loan and 40k miles on the car. I for sure thought it was over. I was done, game over. Every one told me the insurance would pay me 5 MAYBE 6 thousand for the car leaving my to pay off the rest.

Now I’m not religious but by some kind of mystical higher power I was blessed. I pretty much hit the jackpot. My payout was $11,200...

I purchased the car for $10,001...

I got my loan payed off AND received about 2k.

Now if that doesn’t scream second chance I don’t know what does.

To wrap up this long long meaningless story I just want to say a few things.

If you read up to this point I applaud you. It wasn’t a hell of a ride to read this story. It wasn’t the script to the next big summer blockbuster. It was more like, a carnival ride for children ages 3-6.

But there are some important lessons and morals to be taken from this. 1. Fuck the Chevy Spark 2. Comfort in a vehicle is very important 3 Do your research and please get a car that you will love even 2 years down the line. Get something you like. If you cant afford it wait until you can if you can be patient 4 GAP INSURANCE 5 Don’t make hasty decisions like me

After lots of research I am getting ready to finance a 2020 Toyota Corolla SE next week, and I’m very excited!

We live and learn. We make mistakes and we learn from them. I know when it comes to stubborn minds like myself we won’t listen/pay attention to advise that much until we have to pay the consequences. I try to listen more and look things into a different perspective as I get older because the older you get past 18 the more bad decisions screw you over. The consequences weren’t as bad as a teenager but now wrong avoidable decisions can really change your life for the worse. Adulting isn’t easy but thats just the game we call life. Goodnight ya’ll I have to be up in about 4 hours to drive my rental 100 miles to go sell some windows.

OH AND MY LEFT KNEE DIDN’T GET HURT

Ps: Still haven’t smoked a cigarette

submitted by /u/socialdisease818 [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/31DTzYW

[613526362]

There’s a Storm Inside of Me

I checked in that pocket, like five times, and the number 7 wasn't in there

Brad talked to a lot of girls tonight,  but few talked back

Of course all the ones I chose talked back, but only because I choose humble women

I checked my jacket

Not really

They hunted me down and said you have to check your jacket

And of course it was 3 dollars

But I wasn't sweating

I pulled out the huge stack of ones that we didn't spend at the strip club because the strip club was dead

Kitty didn't remember us from last time

That hurt

Harmony was awesome though. That almost sounds like a fucking Christian name

We wound up on the loudest club in the big city

Brad seemed hesitant to wait in line. I told him, look through the fucking glass

It will be worth it

It was

We lit that fucker on fire

I was dancing with chicks like crazy

Black girls

31 year old hipster girls

I turned out a 31 year old hipster girl

She was super timid and STILL

till I approached

And then she did all the shit she can't do with her hipster husband of 13 years

That mother fucked probably works at a factory designing modern furniture

He has a beard

And somehow, he hasn't gotten her prego yet

Where

The

Fuck

Is

The

Kid

Bro

But it's ok

She had the time of her life celebrating her friend's 30 lb weight loss

Brad got me some girl's number at the club before

We were the only white dudes in that one

We even asked the bouncers and they were like, yeah, you're the only white dudes in here

Brad says she was nurse and going for nurse practitioner

But aren't they all

He said she's from Columbia

This is the drunkest I've ever been

We'll see what dyhydromyrecitin can do

I'm on the floor

What the fuck

Who got me sick

I think it was Brad

Fuck

It had to happen

So that

I can go to Africa

Healthy

By my calculation

drinks

Bumping into things

Brief moments of intimacy

Sharing lip balm with a 13 year married woman

Grabbing her hands from behind and grinding ass to ass for a whole song

That was hours after the stripper kissed me

Harmony

Harmony

Brief moments of intimacy

Tonight was the last night

I'm done

No more drinking

Ever

It's time to go to work

---

I just watched Zero Dark Thirty

2018 has been huge for me

The most valuable take away from this year

I have absolutely no shame or hesitancy left in my body

Last year I would have feared to look my father in the eye and say, no, dad, I'm not going to work a single day as a doctor in the United States

Now I'll be proud when I do it

I almost want to add, "

Dad, I don't dream about the Island every night, but I do dream about it every week. All the worst years of my life, all the most horrible human emotions and all the darkest corners of the world - they were and are all here in this shithole country. This country has a simple story - Europeans came and killed native Americans to take the country (and eventually pretended to make reparations to them and apologize). Then the descendants of those Europeans destroyed entire societies in Africa to steal people from there and build America into a superpower (and eventually pretended to make reparations to them and apologize). Now, the descendants of those Europeans live in a divided country, because some of those who they enslaved and oppressed have shone a bit of truth on the national narrative. The question that you and I should ask dad, is, if we didn't participate in killing native Americans or enslaving Africans - or sit idly by as our peers did so - what great travesty are we complicit in? The wars of this country, and the lack of economic outreach to communities of poverty - communities in our nation and abroad - is just as abhorrent as the slavery or genocide our people committed in the past. I choose not to stay here and attempt to tune out my people's evil. I choose instead to trade my life for the lives we have destroyed - and become a slave to what is righteous and right in this world. I am limited only by what I can believe is possible. You are limited by what you have seen in your life. Look at my life, father. It has already exceeded yours. By not listening to you, look what I have accomplished. I will not back down. I will not bring my Father shame."

I need to fix the organization financially. Eventually I'll get sued. And if we're incorporated, I can kill the name and put up a new name. Maybe. I'm trying to build in ultrasound training next. And after that, a program to take pre-med students overseas and get them medical experience working with refugees in refugee camps.

We have to keep making money

And I need to work on my personal financial situation

Most of the loans to do the things the Organization has done have fallen back on me.

I'm concerned about my next tuition bill.

I am dedicated to finishing my MD.

So I need to keep my ducks in a line.

I think it's funny that Brad's big brother (don't remember his name) isn't responding to texts much anymore. He's done. He's finally encased his pride in gold. Finally, a staff surgeon. Finally, a wife. Kids soon I hear. A dog. A big house.

So what's next.

I know the answer to that. Mediocre medical work overseas or an affair.

In his case, probably both.

And for Brad, his divorce is underway, his daughter is becoming more and more like her mom, and he's about to start the Academy to be a government operative.

I tip my hat to them all. They've accomplished everything they ever wanted by 30 or 32.

Now it's my mother fucking turn.

Very few questions still remain:

-Can the organization's profit over the course of a year be stabilized, or will there be big, inevitable downturns?

-How should the organization be staffed? How should I recruit and hire?

-Can I finalize our legal standing? Can I find people to come on board and stand behind this organization?

-Will my personal finances place a limit on what can be done through the organization and it's growth?

-Can I diversify our streams of income so we are not so vulnerable to changes from outside actors

2018 has come to a good end, because none of those questions,

"Can I make it alone? Will I kill myself? Can I cope with bipolar? Should I take meds?"

Those questions were around a couple months ago. Then I put shit in high gear, and I've grown our organization, hired new employees, and excelled in school.

Yes, the low points of this year did not leave me unscathed. I probably spent $5,000 on girls and on fucking around with Brad this year. And it damaged my health and my mind.

The damage to my hearing was completely unnecessary. But maybe the psychological struggles were necessary.

I feel strong now. I feel like I don't need a woman.

And I know God will back me up and keep them away from me.

We're a team.

When I think of Barack Obama's presidency, I think of how one extremely well intentioned and dedicated individual ran some positive projects and helped some people. Most of all, he did not make everything worse in a time and place of extreme greed and evil.

I'm going to shoot for the stars. If I don't save a whole nation from poverty, it's ok. At least I'm not perpetuating evil, or standing idly by as it occurs.

An abusive mother and a book called The Devil Came on Horseback made me who I am. I will continue what they started. I will force people of this sick land to see what their parents committed and ignored. I will show love to people in the places our people have ignored or raped.

The evil of this shithole country runs deep. And affected by it, and part of it, I understand and rise above it.

--

"There's a storm inside of us. I've heard many team guys speak of this. A burning. A river. A drive. An unrelenting desire to push yourself harder and further than anyone could think possible. Pushing ourselves into those cold dark corners. We wanted that fight at the highest volume. A loud fight. The loudest, coldest, darkest, most unpleasant of the unpleasant fights."

He proposed that maybe rather than continual exposure to mild violence, it may be better to expose them to extremes of violence. He responded, “It's the opposite. What will happen is I'll just overwhelm you with violence. If you're overwhelmed, you won't do anything, you'll just become prey. You'll have a fear for violence. I don't want you to have a fear for violence, I want you to thrive in violence. I want you to treat it as if it's ordinary."

[weightloss18-blog1]

From Fat Weirdo To 7% Body Fat!!! (OMAD?) (Weight Loss Motivation)

New Post has been published on https://designweightloss.com/from-fat-weirdo-to-7-body-fat-omad-weight-loss-motivation-2/

From Fat Weirdo To 7% Body Fat!!! (OMAD?) (Weight Loss Motivation)

Hey, what's up? John Sonmez here from simpleprogrammercom

I did this video where I talked about—what was it? Man, I can't even remember what this video was on Uh, let me see Why can't I do it now? What was this video? It was something about—oh, yeah La, la, la, la, la I know what it was

It was like do you need to be good looking as a guy, like do you need to be attractive, like does looks matter, something like that You can check out the video here All right, so I get this comment on the video This guy said, "Ma bro I would really appreciate if you make a video about how you went from fat guy to bodybuilding guy

" This is from Carlos Garcia In that video, I had this like before and after picture where I showed myself—maybe we'll show the pictures here of me, fat, kind of ugly, nerdy, pimply face kind of John to—well, to me that I am now, the stud that I am now A lot of you were like, "What the fuck, dude?" like there was a lot of comments on that and this is where this comment came from I thought I would talk about this a little bit, address this, answer this question of how I went from fat guy to bodybuilding guy I'd have to tell you my whole life story to really get into the weeds here, but I'm going to give you sort of the short, condensed version

Maybe I'll do some more videos talking about some more aspects of this Let's see Where to begin? What should we talk about? The transformation is not exactly what it appears like from those 2 pictures I actually went through multiple transformations in my life and I'll say it too I want to say this by saying that most of the transformation that has occurred in my life have not been physical in nature

They have been mental, psychological in nature and the psychological changes, the inner changes are the changes that manifest themselves outwardly You will always manifest the reality externally of what your current inner reality is What you believe about yourself, how you feel about yourself, what your perceptions are, your self-identity is, that will determine what your external reality is It really will Not just from your physical reality of your body, but also your environment, your financial situation, your relationships

All of those things that exist outside of you are influenced greatly by what is inside of you Change begins internally You change mindset and then that becomes outward To give you a little bit of back story, I, as a kid, I was very shy, very lazy I've talked about this before and I eventually ended up becoming—like changing who I was, like deciding—I've told this story

You can listen to the story here on the five things every—five soft skills every software developer should know I talked about that in this talk, about that moment, that experience I had I'll give you a quick rehash Basically, at one point when I was around in high school, I had this mindset I woke up one morning and said, "Well, why not me?" Why can other people like do these things or be these things?" and I was kind of this dork

I was kind of lazy I was overweight and out of shape and I wasn't athletic I didn’t have any style and girls didn’t like me, and all these things I had this whole list of like being this dork and nerd I said, "Why me? Why not me? Why can't I just be what I want to be?" I envision it in my head who I wanted to become, the best version of myself possible

Let's start pretending like I was that person Start acting that person, like that person, and I eventually became that person It took time I'm still on the process of it I'm always on the process of it

I'm always envisioning who I want to become and stepping into that role pretending that I'm already that person, but that was sort of the—that was the hack that I discovered in life When I discovered that—I didn’t immediately have all the changes I didn’t become the person I am today or you can see just in my videos in the past four or five years how I've changed drastically as a person, but I've had so many transformations in my life from fit to fat, from fat to fit, from all of these types of things based on what was going on internally as I torn apart my psychology and myself, and rebuild it up in different ways Hopefully, in most cases with a stronger foundation everytime At least I know that's where I'm going now

It might not have been where I was going before, but, again, I don't want to make this too long Essentially after that, what happened was, at least in my high school days, I enrolled in track, in wrestling, football I started to actually visualize myself as an athlete I said I can be and I started becoming an athlete and I had never really done physical activity in my life I started lifting weights

I started running I started, like I said, doing track I did pole vaulting I did wrestling I did the football team

I didn’t end up staying on a football team because I had so many other activities going on, but I ended up doing that I ended up changing how I dress I ended up changing how I talk and what I thought about myself Again, not as confident as I was—as I am now Definitely had a lot more deficiencies, but I stopped being lazy

You know what I mean? I changed a lot of things about myself Eventually, what ended up happening after I graduated high school is that I got a little bit more into fashion and I had started looking good I started to shape my body and I got approached by a modeling agency and I became a model in a modeling agency, and I did some acting as well I got signed on with an agency actually in Costa Mesa where I moved to—if you followed my career story, which you can check out the career story here This is kind of the back story I didn’t talk about and that I ended up going and signed with this agency that was in Costa Mesa

It was around the same time that I took this job with doing contracting for Xerox It's a $75 an hour job I was 19 years old It was awesome Again, you can check it out in that career story video, but that's where I was at that point

I've got some online pictures Maybe we'll throw some up here They're kind of embarrassing Rodrigo will—it's an embarrassing photo year apparently because I have got—this video will have lots of embarrassing photos I was fit, I was fit

I was in shape I was looking pretty good I didn’t have the confidence that I have now I didn’t have the—I still had a lot of—I don’t want to tell you that like I had figured it all out because I was so—I was like 10% of what I've got figured out—not even 10%, 1%, okay? I was 1% as confident I was 1% of everything that I kind of depict today

I don’t want to pretend like that happened What ended up happening was I had a fall from there I've maintained my fitness level I did good, but then what ended up happening where I really had the fall—what ended up happening was that I tore my pec—Okay I've told this story before and it totally devastated me

I lost my identity because my identity was wrapped up in being the biggest guy at the gym Again, I was not fit at that time, like I wasn’t ripped like I am I never was I never achieved the physique level that I wanted to That was my mindset, but that was big

At one point, I was close to 300 pounds or about 300 pounds and benching 405 Actually, benching more than 405 I was definitely like big, but I tore my pec After that happened, I ended up actually losing a lot of weight because I couldn’t really lift and then I actually ended up gaining a bunch of weight I went from like 300 pounds of maybe 20% body fat, which 300 pounds and 20% body fat, that's pretty freakin' tank mode, okay? I went from that to 300 pounds and more like 30% body fat or 35

I don’t know I was fat You could see it on those pictures, my dorky pictures with my long hair My skin went to shit You would not have guessed that like five years before that or so that I was actually a model doing modeling and acting, and then I was getting signed to do like modeling shoots and do runway, and all this stuff

Not of that ever—I never made it big time in the modeling or acting I'm not going to pretend like I did, but I was getting signed to do stuff I was going on casting calls like I was—I had a potentially promising career before I went full bore into software development because—or else I wasn't going to make any fucking money doing the modeling and acting stuff My mindset actually is different now Now, I could have actually killed that shit, but I didn’t believe in myself at that point

My point is that—okay, so I had that transformation and a lot of it was mental You could see it in my skin I mean like when you look at me as a person there, it was—a lot of it—again, if I can describe this, what I would say is that I had a false—like some part of me did change There were definitely aspects of me—I mean you should have seen me before that way, way back when in high school when I was a dorky, whatever, but some of that change was not permanent It was still an illusion

I was still fucking fooling myself I was still operating at this level where I wasn't fully changing and embracing that change I changed in some ways, but there were still a lot of underlying deficiencies There's a lot of fears There's a lot of deficiencies that I hadn't overcome in my life that I didn’t face, a lot of obstacles I didn’t face and my identity was wrapped up in this thing

At one point, it was wrapped up in my looks At one point, it was wrapped in being the biggest guy at the gym My identity got fucking smashed with a fucking hammer I lost it all and everything fucking collapsed and I had to rebuild it up I had to really—no

There were some changes that were still there I mean I was a hard worker at that point I had a lot more wisdom than I had before I had more confidence, but a miniscule amount compared to what I have now There were some good foundations that were laid there, but I had to break it all down when that identity shattered and I had to rebuild it up

How did I rebuild it up? How did I go from fat to fit in that case? A lot of it, like I said, is the mindset A lot of it changed in my mind because I had this moment where, again, I said, "You know what? You need to build a new identity like you're never going to be the biggest fucking guy in the gym again That's fine but that doesn’t need to be your identity," and that's where things started to change The best thing I could point you to is I did this video on what my life was like seven years ago I know I'm linking a lot of videos on this one, but you should watch that video and that explains more of that

Essentially, what happened was that I regained that—I started reading a lot of positive books I started looking into self—personal improvement and self-development I started focusing more, more, more on the inner game on changing Instead of just making money, instead of just like trying to change my external world, instead of seeking validation from other people, I started to care about changing myself internally and growing as a person What shifted from the fat John to the bodybuilder John that you see today was a shift from my external validation, wanting the world to validate me

Wanting women to validate me Wanting other people to validate me Wanting people to tell me I did a good job or telling me that I was worthy That shift to wanting to actually really dig deep and grow myself, and build myself as a person and become the person that I want to be, become the best person possible from an honest level Not just from a superficial level, but from a core identity

I really am this I really own this level, so I started reading a lot of books I'm going to wrap up the video here I could talk about this more and more, but that's a good intro Maybe I'll do a part of this video and I'll talk more about making that actual change, but it was developing that bulldog mindset

It was all about changing to that internal growth Once I started to focus on that internal growth and start growing internally, I've gotten the best physique, the best shape I ever got in my life I got more shit done than I ever fucking did in my life I accomplished so many—I mean in the last year, I've ran like—I mean changes have happened Now, I've ran like—what's it like—nine marathons, a full marathon like—just like all kind of things have changed and grown in my life because of that focus

I've gotten in the best shape, I've gotten in the best physique and it all has to do with that internal change that has influenced the external Again, I'll probably do a part two on this If you guys are interested to hear more Give me some questions and stuff about this that I can answer in a part two and talk more about that shift of going from fat to fit from—what's the comment? I appreciate if you can make a video from fat guy to bodybuilding guy I want to give you guys the honest background though, so that—because it wasn't like I just like had one transformation and I just went from fat guy to bodybuilding guy

I did that transformation, but there were some other curves in the road before I got there, and then recently in the last seven years I made that transformation I could talk more about that exact process of how that happened if you guys are interested, but I need some questions Give me questions that you want answered about that and maybe I'll do part two All right That's all I got for you today

I hope that if you found this useful, you'll click that Subscribe button below and click the bell so you don’t miss any videos I'll talk to you next time Take care

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #195

i’m fighting to stay up and see the blood moon but i am already ready to fail at 9:30 lmao.

What’s the first website you go to when you log onto the computer? Usually KM. Does your house/apartment have a bathtub or just showers? It's both. Where are your birthmarks? On my right forearm and the left side of my stomach. When’s the last time you found something unexpectedly? The closest occasion to come to mind was when I was inches from crawling into fox intestines... yeah. The grass was just high enough to hide them until I was RIGHT there. What do you call your grandparents? Grammy. What color was the last scarf you wore? Idr the last time I wore one. I never do. Is there at least one ex that you can still trust? Girt. Are there any celebrities who live fairly near you? Not to my knowledge, and it's very unlikely. Have you ever gotten love and infatuation confused? Maybe? When and where was the last time you took a picture of yourself? Months ago. Is there anything that you want to do, but you won’t do because you’re too afraid? Skydive. Who was the last person to yell at you? Mom. What’s the longest amount of time that you’ve spent away from your home? We were technically homeless from I think early February '17 to some time in April (we all "lived" with people I'm immensely thankful for), so that time. Did the last movie you watched have any emotional affect on you? No. What motivates you to go to school? I absolutely refuse to live my own independent life as I've known it so far with serious financial instability that, since being a teenager and truly understanding, has made me want to rip my hair out. Don't for a single moment be unappreciative of knowing you're having a home next month, a working car, insurance, and I'll just stop before this ruins my mood. When was the last time you heard someone talking about you? With certainty, Mom and Nicole, but that was months ago. Are you embarrassed to bring people into your bedroom? No, I like my bedroom, just not the fact how tiny it is. When was the last children’s birthday party you attended? My nephew's. Are you good at reading other people’s body language? I think so. If you’re sick, do you go to school or do you stay home usually? I'm not in that position now, but when I was in school, uh yeah, I begged Mom to let me stay home. Honestly I could just barely be feeling sick and I'd try to stay home. Yeah, I loved middle-high school. Shit, I think I gave Mom trouble in elementary, too. Does chicken noodle soup really make you feel any better? I wouldn't know, I don't like it. What’s one meal that you like to eat whilst sick? A meal, idk, and it also depends on what kind of sickness we're talking about... but with anything, I never eat much or anything heavy. Have you ever set out to ruin someone else’s day? No. Well, I don't really know if I count that impulsive "guess who's going to the ER again" shit, just because I don't remember if that was a motive to just ruin his day, and it also wasn't planned? But I know I intended it to hurt initially at least because I wanted to know he cared, so... Make your own judgment on this one. What was the name of the last board game that you played? I rarely play 'em because I just don't tend to enjoy them almost at all. I don't recall, but I'm sure it was something with Girt; we usually play them when he's here. Do you like to give people a taste of their own medicine? No. Well, if I don't dish it out. I don't believe in karma, but I think it's normal to have a "how does it feel now?" reaction when someone experiences the wrong they've given to others. How was the service at the last restaurant you visited? I don't recall. In a car, air conditioning or roll the windows down? I strongly prefer AC. What type of personality do you find most annoying? Over-the-top judgmental and condescending, but especially egotistical. Do you give any consideration to what’s said in your horoscope? Absolutely zero, and I admittedly find ignorance and gullibility in you if you do. I'm generally super, super open-minded, but. Having faith in the horoscope is a weak point there. Have you ever done cocaine? Wow no. Has anyone ever called you a whore? I don't believe so, excluding jokes with friends and such. Are you the oldest child? The youngest? In the middle? Only child? The middle of my "full" siblings, second-youngest if you count them all. Has anyone ever told you that you have a cute nose? I actually think so? When was the last time you wrestled? Probably with Jason playfully, so years ago. Do you like your first name? I do. Whose car were you last in? Mom's. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It has been twice. First time, the damn hole closed while I was in the hospital (I had to take them all out, and four piercings total closed, yay), so I got it redone. What was the last reason you went to the doctor? Therapy. What can’t you wait for? Going back to school or getting a job I don't hate. Have your parents ever smoked pot? I don't think so. Do you like scary movies, what was the last one you watched? With who? Yes. Last year's Halloween with Mom. Is there someone you know you should hate but you can’t? I believe I have enough reason to hate Colleen, but I don't think I feel that strongly enough to, especially as yes, she did wonderful things for me too, but I can't forget the many reasons of why I questioned our friendship. I think I just strongly dislike her. Do you take walks often? I can't thanks to my damn knees mixed with my current, lovely sweating situation. I can't walk here anyway, we live on the side of a decently busy street. Do you like Subway? Sure. When’s the last time you said you were fine, but really weren’t? Idk, I've learned to not do that. If your boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you, would you take them back? No. Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday? Maybe? I know at least texted. What is your favorite fruit? Strawberries. Are you fascinated by outer space? I'd love to see a person say no to this. What’s a fun website you recommend? Nothing surprising or new... Do you answer your phone when it’s a number you don’t recognize? Sometimes. Through VR, the person working with me has really emphasized that I have to learn to when you're out trying to get a job and such with how you'll be receiving calls. Do you like spontaneity? It really depends, but in most situations, I think no. Do you have dreams that you’re not giving up on? I absolutely refuse to. Do you have hope for the future? Some days. Not as much as usual of the late. Are you optimistic? No, I'm a realist. Do you think your hair looks better up or down? It's too short to be put up. Do you like bare trees or green-leaved trees better? Autumn trees. Between those two, probably bare, I guess. Do you love your hometown? Yeah, having the Bloods gang try to break into your house, having eggs thrown at your window, drugs being easy to access, and former criminals walking right down the streets, yeah, it was great. Do you dream of decorating a house someday? Well yeah. It wouldn't feel like home if it wasn't personalized. What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? I hate you and your barbarous ass more than I care to describe. :) Have you ever been on a rollercoaster that actually scared you? Never been on one in the first place. Out of these colors, which appeals most to you: orange, blue, or green? I don't like green much, but I love orange and pastel blue... eh, I dunno what to pick. Is there anything you’re saving up for? A shitload of things. Know anyone with a really annoying laugh? FUCKING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Has anyone in your family fought in any of the wars? I learned recently my grampa was in the navy for I believe two wars. Idr on Mom's side. Would you make any changes to your current bedroom? Ugh, change the color of these walls, please. Has a stray dog ever tried to bite you? No. When riding a bus, do you prefer to sit up front, down back or the middle? I haven't been on a bus in years, but back when I went home with Jason, we sat in the back with a few of his friends. If it was of my own volition now, uh. Probably the middle. Are you normally a person to tell people off? No, but BOY will I if you give me a damn good reason, particularly if the person has hurt a loved one. Do you currently have any bug bites? No. Have you ever gone to see a movie just to make fun of it? No. When you listen to a new song, do you usually play it over and over? y e s Ever been to a REAL metal show? Not yet. How much time do you spend on the computer? Better question is how much time am I not. How do you feel about Motorhead? Loads of respect for our late Lemmy as an icon in the metal community, but I don't know many of their songs. Like every human being at least, "Ace of Spades" I love and is a BANGER. I'm actually not a big fan of Lemmy's voice, but I can overlook the singing for the overall sound of the song, for example, Megadeth for me. What words or phrases do you tend to overuse the most? "Fuck," "shook," "rip," "fite me," and "don't @ me," lol. I am an adult y'all. Is there anything in particular that you’re shy about? Above all, talking about things in particular that I really enjoy/am passionate about, RP being the main one. You will probably never see me more uncomfortable than when explaining/talking about that with 99% of people. Classic rock love ballads: totally cheesy or totally awesome? GIMME. Are you more kinky or conservative? Well I wouldn't really know, I've only ever done "normal" things. I don't think you'd know unless you tried something. What color is your pillowcase? Both are brown. What’s the weirdest way you’ve ever pulled a muscle? Uhhhh. I don't know. Would you consider yourself rebellious? I both do and don't for varying reasons. What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) I'll just consider "real" ones, as my first contenders were all from fictional media, lmao. I genuinely like pentagrams, especially when designed in cool ways. What methods are most effective for you when you’re trying to relax? Deep, rhythmic breathing. I recommend it to absolutely anyone in an anxiety attack or something of the like. I believe it's actually proven to work, and at least to some degree, when I do it correctly and long enough, it works miracles. Here's a really helpful gif I trained myself with: https://thumbs.mic.com/MTc0NWZkOWM5YSMvYnhwRHF6Y2JLcUVuOVZGNUV5d1BST3Q0TU1ZPS9maXQtaW4vNzYweDAvZmlsdGVyczpub191cHNjYWxlKCk6cXVhbGl0eSg4MCk6bm9fdXBzY2FsZSgpOmZvcm1hdChqcGVnKS9odHRwOi8vaW1hZ2VzLm1pYy5jb20vZnh1NWxjNGh2d2RseXdwYmdobDU2YnV2ZGp1a2VqbXd5YnhpZXYxanRmaGlvZGNhcWtpaXR5d2N5NWFlc2dlNy5naWY.gif Are you any good at making the infamous puppy face? I wouldn't know; I probably haven't done that since playing around with Jason years ago... if I even did then, and I've changed a lot physically. Would you rather date your opposite, your 'twin’, or someone in between? In-between. Are you a moaner, a screamer, or totally silent? Moaner that tried to be really quiet because I was so paranoid we'd either be heard or I'd be too loud and miss someone coming home or something lmao. I was so scared of that happening that I always decided we had to stop if I was starting to feel like screaming. What documentary topics interest you most? Wildlife. Is there currently someone you want to get closer to? A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE. Do you take any medications that make you nauseous? Not anymore, anyway. When I started Latuda, it was rough sometimes, but I've been on it long enough to where it no longer bothers me. Do you ever make up your own words? No. Do you have any nicknames that are actually true about you? No. How many videos do you have favorited on your YouTube account? I believe the max where I believe it has to remove old ones lmao. I used to favorite like, any video I liked, but now I use it true to term. When did you have your last 'facepalm’ moment? I did that not long ago, but I don't remember why. Has a boyfriend or girlfriend ever nicknamed your, erm, 'privates’? No, and I don't particularly want anyone to. Do you know anyone who has carpal tunnel syndrome? Myself, actually. I knew I would develop it eventually with how much I've typed since before I was even a teen. My mom has it, too. Do you like raisins? NONONO When did you first kiss the last person you kissed? June last year. What are some of your favorite cities you’ve been to? Literally the only serious "city" I've been to is Chicago, which was great. Would you allow your children to date prior to 16? (assuming you want any) Don't want kids, but hypothetically, it would depend on their maturity level. What’s something about adult life you were never warned of or prepared for? Uhhh idk, but mostly because it's not like I act like a "real" adult... No job, no car, no real adult decisions to make, and Mom handles anything else I can think of. Did your parents teach you proper table manners when you were growing up? As kids, yeah, common sense ones and not putting your elbows on the table. Which I find super stupid and haven't done in years. I only rarely put a napkin on my lap, really just if my grandma's here or I'm eating something actually messy. Which app on your phone do you tend to get the most notifications from? Pinterest, and never for something I care about. I need to turn them off. What is the minimum age to obtain a driver’s license in your state/country? 16. If you won the lottery, do you think any of your family members would ask you to give them some of your money? I'm torn between Mom or not for various reasons on both ends... but I'd help her out regardless. What is the craziest thing you’ve seen happen at your workplace? N/A Do you own any home automation gadgets like wifi thermostats or wifi bulbs? I don't think so? What is something you gave up on after many failed attempts? Dark Souls lmao. What would you do if your ex contacted you? I. Don't really know. I know for sure I'd be closed-off as fuck, examining every blink the dude did. I'd maybe be open to having an acquaintance-level "friendship," but that's it, and I don't know if I could ever stop being aloof. Last time you had anal sex? (if ever) Never, doesn't sound appealing to me. Ever tasted a flavored condom? No. Are your parents wealthy? Lol no. Dad's I believe middle class, but Mom? Have you ever asked someone out? Yeah. What products do you use in the shower? Shampoo, body wash, a facial cleanser. Do you like Swedish Fish? Noooo, they've always been one candy I just don't like. What movie can you watch over and over, and it will never get old? Idk, I don't really re-watch movies anyway. What was the best movie you’ve ever seen in theaters? Idk. Have you ever eaten with both fork and spoon, at the same time? I don't believe so. Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin? I always do when I'm able to. I like to know exactly when it happens. Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo? Yeah. Do you know someone that is mute, deaf or blind? Ashley's legally blind in one eye, I believe her right. Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair? I've never been confined to one. Does weed smell good? Or no? Nooooo no no. Have you ever regretted letting someone go? Megan. Well, did I really "let her go," idk. How long was your longest make out? Like, all night on/off. Who made you laugh last? JackSepticEye. I'm watching like, every YTuber I like play the demo of the RE2 remaster. HYPE for that game. Never played the original, so seeing it new and realistic as hell will be nice, plus I'm a hoe for Leon. Ever liked someone who treated you like crap? Was the way Jason treated me after the break-up justified, idk. Which is harder, walking away from somebody you love or coming back to somebody who has hurt you? Walking away. What’s one question you hate being asked? Thankfully no one who doesn't need to know asks, but don't ask for my weight please. Did you make a wish on 11-11-11 at 11:11? No. Has anything exciting been going on in your life? Ha ha. What’s the last question you’ve been asked? (Not counting the survey.) Uhhhhhhh. Something from Mom, idr. Do you know any neat card tricks? No. Have you ever had a dream of someone you know harming you? Dad, in a lot before and a long time after the divorce, and I actually had another recently where I woke up and screamed. Idk why I had it, considering my dad and I are good. Do you have nice legs? I absolutely hate my legs. Do you collect postcards? I don't even go anywhere to, my friend. What kind of flooring does your house accommodate? Wood, carpet, and tile. Do you look good in shorts? I WOULDN'T DARE WEAR SHORTS. I hate my legs, remember??? Do your parents ever try to tell you what or what not to wear? Sometimes when we go out to certain places, Mom claims whatever I'm wearing isn't "formal (enough)," but I sincerely don't care in most cases. Have you ever held a tarantula? Yes, a rose-haired female. She was cool. <3 Do you have a dog tag necklace? No. Has a boyfriend’s brother ever hit on you? No. Who would you pick if you had to pick a celebrity (female) to kiss? In a case where we're both single, uhhhh, fuck. Maybe Suzy Hanson because goddamn she is a goddess inside and out I stan a queen. Now what about male? Same rules as above, be fuckin' prepared Fischfuck, he gettin' more than a kiss lads 'n lassies. Do you enjoy folk music? No. Does it make you nervous when you see people throw their children in the air to catch ‘em? To a degree. Do you own a locket? No. Have you ever seen a manatee in person? (they’re adorable) No. Mom swam with them a looooong time back, before she had me or my sisters I think, and I am ENVIOUS. Does anyone get your hand-me-downs? Not anymore. Does your mom still give you an Easter basket on Easter? She didn't last year for I believe the first time. What kind of dressing would you like on your salad? Inject the Olive Garden dressing into my veins. Have you ever stolen anything without intent? (walking out of the store with something in your hand, etc…)? I don't believe so. Are you good at Sudoku? I haven't played that in years. I used to be. Have you ever stayed in an unhealthy relationship just because it was easier than ending things? No. If you were diagnosed with a genetic disorder, would you still have biological children despite risking passing the disorder on to them? I don't want kids, but hypothetically, I guess it would depend on the disorder. What's the longest song you know all the words to? Ohhh not sure. I could look on my iPod, but don't feel like it. What is the greatest source of anxiety for you? My totally stagnant life. What's something you could endlessly rant about? Ha, so much... At this current time, probably the cancer that is the anti-vaxxer community. What's something you could passionately talk about for hours? Mark, meerkats, and Silent Hill. Do your parents still live in the same house they raised you in? No. Do you know anyone who got pregnant as a teen and dumped the baby on their parents to raise? Probably. What would you do if your own teenaged child did that? Again, don't want 'em, but I'll be hypothetical. I would be fucking irate, and quite honestly, I'd probably end up putting it up for adoption if her ass tried that. Maybe my answer would be different if I actually had a daughter and thus the connection to her own child, but idk. It's hard to answer this question when you don't want kids. What's a place you have a strong emotional connection to? My hometown. We essentially never drive past it, but seeing my childhood home gives me this nostalgic-as-fuck feeling. What is something that you feel you are destined for? I don't believe in destiny. If you could form only one thing with your mind whenever you wanted, what would it be and why? Money, for obvious reasons. If you could control any form of liquid, which one would you want to control and why? (liquid water, frozen water, mist, blood, sap, etc) Blood would of course be coolest, but uh. Liquid water would probably be most useful. If you could have the power of any animal (you don’t transform into the animal, just obtain its abilities), what animal would you pick? A bird, I guess. Would you be willing to merge/fuse with someone else if you got cool powers to go along with it? No.