#like yena going solo made sense for her

[blessyouhawkeye]

the success that the iz*one members in le sserafim and ive are having now is the success that should have happened for the ioi girlies in their post disbandment groups six years ago and i'll die mad about it

[songmingisthighs]

[15.08] badboy!seonghwa × reader

⇀ had you known that's why he confessed, would you have accepted him ? Or smack his annoyingly perfect face with your laptop ?

⇁ part 1 / 2

⇁ prologue part 1 / 2 / 3

Things had gone great between you and Seonghwa. You and he would often meet at your dorm or at the diner at least three times a week.

You'd ask him why you both never hung at his dorm but his answer was that he doesn't want the boys to disturb your 'quality time'.

Normally you'd question answers like that, but the way he looks at you and holds your hand made you forget why you even wanna ask that in the first place.

But like all things, everything dissipates with time.

Nearing the end of the semester, group projects lessen and solo assignments accumulate which put a strain between your and Seonghwa's hangout time. You've tried convincing him that you both can hang out whilst doing your solo assignments but you remembered how his eyes trailed after a girl as you spoke at one of your last hangouts at the diner.

Seems like he's lost interest in you too.

Which, it sure hurts, but you both were never official and neither had verbally confirmed to the other about their feelings. It sucks.

But you power through.

You pretend that his silence during class's group discussion didn't affect you, you pretend that when he immediately pack up his stuff to leave the class and only throwing you a polite smile didn't make your heart wrench, you pretend that him ghosting you didn't make you feel both embarrassed and angry at the same time.

You're light and breezy.

Heck, you're so light and breezy, you still go to that diner every Friday all alone. And it's not because you had hoped to see one particular man.

Even though you did.

When he was on a date with some girl who's obviously very pretty.

On the booth you both had 'claimed' as 'your booth' without ever verbally saying it.

"Hi, excuse me," a voice broke your train of thoughts.

You look up from your book to see a really handsome man standing in front of you with a smile on his face. He looks very handsome, definitely mixed-race, and he has this chill aura on him that is honestly refreshing to you.

"Sorry to bother you, but can I sit here?" He asked. You look around to see that there are a lot of other places left in the library where he could've sat.

Sensing your apprehension, the man raised both of his hands, "I'm not a creep or a weirdo, I'm just very particular about where I work,"

He's got a point. So you just nodded, "sure, it's not my table or anything anyways, you could've just taken a seat without asking my permission," he shrugged as he put his things across you, "I mean sure, but you seemed like you don't wanna be bothered and this particular spot has the best walking distance to anywhere at all and plus the secret charging port? Genius," he said, grinning proudly.

You raised your eyebrows at him, "you seem to know your way around the table, mister..." you trailed off to which he immediately caught on, "Hansol, Choi Hansol, but my friends calls me Vernon," he held his hand out for you to shake, "(Y/N), (Y/N) (Y/L/N), and why Vernon?" "My english name, I'm half American,"

And with that, you got yourself a new friend.

Vernon is a computer science major, and the other thing major about him is his nerdiness. And his hotness. Which is a ridiculous combination.

Ever since that day in the library, you both somehow find the other popping up everywhere. Just a day after your first meeting in the library, he came into the café you part-timed at. He came in to order 13 drinks and several pastries, shocking you at first but then he told you he lives in a frat house with 12 other guys and that he's not a caffeine addict.

Then you both bonded over the many sessions in the library which eventually venture out to sitting together during lunch, and then suddenly you both started meeting outside campus.

And this did not go unnoticed by Seonghwa.

"Hey, Seonghwa, how well do you know (Y/N)?" Hongjoong asked, breaking Seonghwa's glare on you and Vernon from all the way across the cafeteria.

Seonghwa raised an eyebrow at him, "(Y/N) from my statistics class?" As if he hadn't considered you as something more at some point, "I'd say well enough as a groupmate, why?" He asked back.

Hongjoong nodded towards you and Vernon with his chin, "Vernon there saw you both working together and he wants to make sure he won't be stepping on anyone's toes when he's making a move on her,"

At that moment, Seonghwa almost choked on his fries. Too surprised with the fact that you've possibly moved on from him so quickly.

It's only been a month and a half since you both stopped hanging out outside of obligation.

Hearing that made his blood boil and he's pretty sure it's not jealousy. Most likely territorialism. HE took interest in you first waaaaay before Vernon did.

The smile and laugh you give Vernon was supposed to be for him. He used to make you laugh so hard at any stupid pun he concocted in his head. No matter how stupid it is nor how much it doesn't make any sense.

To be completely honest, he didn't know why he pulled away from you in the first place. He had been so comfortable with you, never once had he ever let his guard down and just be carefree, not even with his closest friends.

He needs to get you back to him.

No matter what.

So he made his move the next time you both had statistics again.

Unlucky for him though, the professor decided to not have any group discussion that day which threw Seonghwa's plan out the window. But thankfully he still remembered your schedule, you don't have any class after statistics which means you'd be grabbing a simple lunch before your part-time job starts until 8 pm.

So he waited patiently for the bell to ring.

Legs bouncing in anticipation as his eyes flit towards the clock every five minutes.

When the professor finally dismissed the class (10 minutes later than he's supposed to, as per usual), he immediately put all his belongings back in his bag and ran after you. Somehow you've mastered the art of cleaning up quickly over the month and a half without him.

"(Y/N)! Wait!" Seonghwa called.

You stopped in your tracks and turn your head to see Seonghwa jogging towards you with that stupid, charming smile on his face.

Damn his good looks.

"Yeah? Is there something wrong?" you asked him when he caught up to you. He raised an eyebrow at you, confused as to why you'd think there'd be anything wrong.

"Ah!" you suddenly exclaimed, "Is this about my part of the presentation? Don't worry, I'm close to finishing it, I should be able to compile it in the PPT tonight by... 9.30-ish? I have to finish my shift at the café," you explained.

He chuckled at you, deep voice that you oh so missed ringing in your ears, "wha- no, (Y/N), I'm not here to talk about our project, I just wanna... talk with you," he said, tilting his head to the side slightly. It somehow made him look both hot and cute at the same time. Which doesn't make sense.

Now it was your turn to raise an eyebrow at him while crossing your arms, "why? No offence, Seonghwa, but you've kinda been blowing me off for the past month and a half now, what makes you think I'd have anything to talk with you about?"

Those words coming out of your mouth shocked him. It's not like he didn't expect some apprehension from you, but hostility? Boy, you must've been really affected by his shitty doings.

"I-I- no, (Y/N), I haven't been blowing you off," bullshit, even he knows that, "I've just been really-" "really... what? Absent? Ghosty? Hot and cold? Whatever it is, Seonghwa, you don't owe me any explanation," you tried your best to not roll your eyes at him because honestly, how dare he blew you off and now acting like he didn't whilst hoping you don't notice what he has been doing.

What did he take you for? One of his brainless bimbos?

Surprised at your words, Seonghwa was left stunned. You waited for a solid 10 seconds for him to say something. Anything.

Literally, how hard is it to say sorry?

Realizing he wouldn't realize what he's supposed to do, you just shook your head at him, "I'll finish inputting and editing my part by tonight, I'll see you in class next week, Seonghwa," you said before walking away.

You would've thought that he'd take the hint and go back to ignoring you.

But now, of course not. He's stubborn and he plays by his own rules. It's an understatement to say that you were shocked when you saw him entering the café nearing the end of your shift.

Despite the shock of seeing him, you pretended like nothing's wrong and do what you're supposed to do to any other customer as per usual.

Heck, you'd give yourself a pat on the back, head, and butt for being so calm whilst handling Seonghwa. You managed to keep that "strictly professional" smile on your face as you take his orders, you didn't fumble when he made small talks as you typed in his orders into the computer (like really, who the heck said "good thing tonight's not cloudly, love the moonlight," ??), and you didn't flinch when your hands accidently touch as you hand him his strawberry frappucino.

Yes, the badboy strictly and secretly drink sweet, fruity drinks.

You'd thought that his presence was merely a coincidence. As he waited in his table, you had assumed that he's waiting for some girl (who isn't you, sadly) so all you wanna do is run out of there as soon as you can.

"Hey, Jaemin," you called your co-worker who's in the middle of sipping his 6 shot americano at 8 pm, "I'm gonna head out, okay? Think you can hold the fort until Yena's here? She said she has to turn in an assignment, that's why she's late,"

Jaemin just rolled his eyes at you, "(Y/N), I'm drinking coffee that's powerful enough to paralyze a horse, I can definitely handle the slow Wednesday night crowd," he said sarcastically to which you laugh.

After getting your things from your locker in the back room, you proceed to go out through the front door.

Unbeknownst to you, Seonghwa had followed behind.

You were only several steps away from the café when suddenly Seonghwa caught up to you and grab your hand.

Knowing that it's quite late and it's dark, Seonghwa should've known better. You honestly only feel slightly bad for punching his chest.

Slightly.

Like 2%.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Seonghwa you scared the devil out of me!" You exclaimed after realizing that it was just him, pulling your hand away from his grip. He coughed, trying to ease oxygen back to his lungs after you had brutally knocked them out.

"Guess I deserved that," he coughed out, but he was smirking as if he's amused by your attack, "sorry, I was just- I need to talk to you," he said, looking at you pleadingly.

"Well, it doesn't seem like that for the past month and a half, Seonghwa, you seemed just about done with me," you said while crossing your arms, your expression showing nothing but disdain at him. He seems to feel remorse after seeing how you looked at him. Never once did you showed any negativity nor hostility to him during the time you both spent together.

Seonghwa didn't really know what made him pull away from you. All he was sure of is that he felt something so strongly about you to the point that it scared him so much. He never felt the need to be with someone as much as when he was with you. He found himself thinking about you when you're both not together, he found himself only focusing on you and nothing else when you both are together, and he found his vulnerabilities open for you to access.

It scared him to hell and back when he realizes that there is a possibility of him wanting something more from you.

With you.

The man before you sighed, "I... Have no excuse for how I acted recently but believe me when I said that I regret pulling myself away from you because I'm scared, you're too good to and for someone like me, you deserve the best and I wanna be the best for you," he stepped closer to take both your hands in his, his eyes were genuine which rendered you incapable of being too mad at him, "I wish I could rewind the time and take back what I did, I never should have pulled away from you, I should have just told you the truth," he said.

For a second, he forgot about his image and he just let whatever he was feeling out, he wanted to make sure that you understand how he truly feels.

Both of you stood in silence, just staring at each other as he rubs his thumb on the back of your hand. With the way you're staring at him now, he was sure that your initial resolve had completely melted.

But suddenly from his peripheral vision, he saw Vernon coming out of a bookstore across the road and was looking around.

Remembering what prompted him to get closer to you again, he pulled you in close into his arms, a hand to your cheek and lips just centimetres away from his.

"So? Would you please give me another chance to show you how much you mean to me? Not as just some guy from your statistics class," his words made you chuckle and roll your eyes, "but as your boyfriend," he said before he could stop himself.

Your eyes widened, "m-me? With y-you? Boyfriend and girlfriend?" you choked out, not believing your ears in the first place. You wanted to make sure that he's not kidding, making a joke or making a fool out of you.

Instead of answering, however, he simply leaned in and places his lips softly on yours. The kiss was sweet, it conveyed how much he wants and misses you. For some reason it made you feel comforted, he feels like home and his arms makes you feel safe.

So then and there, you kiss him back as a form of an answer to him.

When you both finally pull away, you both could see dumb smiles decorating the other's face, proof of happiness over what just happen.

Remembering that you're in the middle of the road and there are people around you, you pulled away from his arms first but reached to tangle your hand in his.

"Come on, I believe I owed my groupmate my part of the presentation," you started as you walk, pulling him with you.

But as you walk, you turn your head at him to throw a flirty smirk, "boyfriend" you said, making him grin so wide, it could rival a Cheshire cat.

Maybe you and he isn't a bad idea at all.

All you can do now is hope that he won't break you.

[pastelrose-vivi]

January 2022 Comeback/Debut Ranking

12. Step Back-GOT the Beat

Unfortunately my least favorite song on this list. I was super excited for this and although it was great to see them all perform together the song didn’t vibe with me, and it never grew on me. I look forward to potential future comebacks though!

11. Feelin Like-Pentagon

This song is groovy and nice to listen to but honestly a bit forgettable. I probably won’t be seeking out this song to listen to in the future.

10. DM-Fromis_9

I really love Fromis_9’s earlier music but the most recent comebacks haven’t been my cup of tea. I think it’s because there isn’t much of a change in energy between the verses and chorus which leaves the whole song feeling the same and makes it hard to remember the whole song. It was good but just didn’t grab my attention.

9. WooAh HIP-Mamadol

I really love the idea of this group! I’m so happy that these women want to come back as singers after starting their families and maybe this will bring back the sexy/mature concept, it’s been awhile since that was popular. As for the song, it’s really good, although the abrupt end is a bit odd. Their performance is amazing though.

8. Yummy Yummy Love-Momoland (feat. Natti Natasha

This song is so fun! It’s a great return from a hiatus for Momoland and Natti Natasha’s feature was really good. The lyrics were also really well done.

7. Ruby-Woozi

Always love to see solo work from seventeen and Ruby didn’t disappoint. The song is really groovy and the English lyrics sound really good. Also this song is what led me to realize that Coke did a design change for their Coke Zero cans??? The line about Coke Zero made me so confused lmao

6. Tattoo-AleXa

Xtra was one of my favorite songs of 2021 and definitely my favorite AleXa song, so I was looking forward to what she would do next and Tattoo did not disappoint. Although Xtra is still on top as my favorite of her songs, Tattoo is close behind. I love this emo vibe trend in kpop. The music video was really cool too, even if it didn’t make a whole lot of sense because I refused to follow any kpop lore.

5. Play-Yuju

It’s so good to see the Gfriend members be active again! This was such a good debut for Yuju, her vocals sound so good. I love the traditional concept in the music video too. It’s such an emotional song but not in a big way, it’s very understated yet intense, if that makes sense lol.

4. Wa Da Da-Kep1er

An amazing debut! Although I have a couple criticisms (the two part chorus goes on too long which cuts the verses short, making the whole song feel repetitive even though it really isn’t), it’s so much fun that those really don’t matter. The dance is so fun and the song gets stuck in my head all the time. The mini album is also so good! Mvsk is really interesting and I really love getting to hear their version of Shine. I can’t wait to see where they go from here.

3. Smiley-Yena

Yet another amazing debut! I usually don’t like debuts this much, especially when thinking about b-sides. But Yena also killed her solo debut. Although I wasn’t completely sold on Smiley when it first came out, it quickly grew on me, it’s so fun! And Yena does an amazing job performing it. I also really love Pretty Boys and Lxxk 2 U, she definitely leaned into the pop punk/emo vibe that’s becoming popular in kpop and I love that for her.

2. Lunatic-Moonbyul

Honestly one of my favorite mini albums of all time. I love the concept of an album that tells a story from beginning to end and this one does that perfectly. All the songs are so good and fit together so well.

1. Super Yuppers-WJSN Chocome

If Moonbyul’s 6equence mini album is one of the best mini albums I’ve ever heard, this is one of the best single albums, if not the best. It’s so campy and so fun! I love that the girls are keeping this concept alive. Super Yuppers is such a good single and Sweetie is an amazing b-side, and they go so well together.

Top 5 B-sides

Sweetie-WJSN Chocome

G999-Moonbyul (feat. Mirani)

Pretty Boys-Yena

ddu ddu ddu-Moonbyul

Shutdown-Moonbyul (feat. Seori)

[fmdduri]

a headcanon about duri & fashion.

word count: 1,223. about: duri’s experience with fashion, essentially, and how he’s gotten better. this mentions @yenafmd and @taejinfmd because they’ve been apart of the journey. notes: tbh i saw demi and maria doing this so i decided to plagiarize the idea just without the aesthetic. 2013 duri was also a projection. 

fashion wasn’t something that duri had fully paid attention to when he was younger. simply put, duri was paying more attention to music and his music classes to really focus on anything that was fashion related. he didn’t look at any current trends and just wore whatever was comfortable. he can’t say he ever had much of an interest in fashion during his younger years, unfortunately. 

as he grew older, this sentiment seemingly carried over a bit. he didn’t go online to check out the latest fashion trends or really pay attention to much of anything that had to do with fashion. if he saw someone wearing something he liked, he’d adapt the look to himself, and that was really it. nevertheless, he didn’t really use the internet all that much anyways, as he never really found much time to. 

as he entered middle school and his teen years, he wasn’t really any better with the whole fashion game. at this point in time, duri had been really into vintage sweaters, as well as styling vintage sweaters. his whole closet had been full of these vintage sweaters that he found at thrift stores and generally, they were everything you could really imagine. due to being oversized, duri still owns all the sweaters because he didn’t want to part with them - but, he’s better about not strictly just wearing those. though, he does very much want to wear that during the autumn and winter months, but that’s seemingly more acceptable than what he was doing during those years. 

this is something that came to change at some point when duri was in his trainee years. this was where he meant taejin, who ended up being in titan with him later on. taejin had started to take duri out and purchase him different items of clothing, all being designer - rather than those vintage sweaters that he would wear (truthfully, it didn’t matter that there were designer vintage sweaters from the thrift store, since they technically weren’t in season.) but, this had become his first major exposure to brands and the fashion world. 

taejin had been the person to really help him to learn how to style designer pieces and how to make sure something look good on you. if it weren’t for taejin, he would feel a bit lost on what to actually do with designer clothing, especially in the future. he’s a bit lucky to have such a good friend who had done something like this for duri. even if duri was a bit embarrassed to be getting gifts - but, that was just very much duri and still is very much duri to get flustered by such things. (truth be told, this also probably helped him a lot with the pasha de cartier brand ambassadorship and having him be comfortable in that space.) 

by debut, duri had gotten a bit better with fashion. however, due to it literally be 2011 and him still being a teenager at the time, his fashion outside of titan was still a bit embarrassing. but, that was inevitable. (let’s be real, earlier styling as well was probably a bit embarrassing, but again, it was 2011, so what can you do, right?” however, it could be a lot worst than it was, especially since he still had a lot of designer pieces that he knew how to style, thanks to what taejin was giving to him and telling him. 

2012 was when duri had gotten a bit more excited about fashion. this was due to the fact that his first solo venture came in the form of beanpole. this was where he really learned more about styling, especially outside of luxury fashion brands. however, it was probably still a bit funny, considering it was very much more so outdoorsy-esque looks. so, when duri took on that style thanks to beanpole, it probably was a bit painful to see. give or take a few outfits, most people probably wished that it didn’t happen. 

when the beanpole ambassadorship had ended at the end of 2012, duri had fallen back into what was comfortable and what he knew. he had given up that painfully weird outdoorsy-esque looks that were a bit in. however, 2013 seemed to be the year he discovered leather jackets and wore that trend to death. 

2013 was also the year of looking preppy and wearing stripes, so adding onto wearing the leather jackets to death - this was probably a slight fashion nightmare in one way or another. but, he followed a trend that was given to him and he really ran with that. it was really just the trend of the year, so while it wasn’t bad than, it seems like a nightmare now. 

the years went on and duri definitely got better, turning away from those odd and awkward trends - which was really just better for everyone that was involved. 

at some point, duri meets yena and becomes friends with her, which was really nice. they’re very opposite, but they found the things that they like to do together. one of these things ended up being shopping and duri would always call upon yena when he needed to update his wardrobe. 

yena is probably the person that had really made duri confident and comfortable with fashion, the person who really taught him how to be better at fashion. from the advice of making sure you can style a piece three different times, to making sure he had essentials, she had really opened up his eyes in that sense. duri’s really thankful for this because she really jump started the fashion love even more and what had helped him. generally, duri will always call upon yena when he needs to update his wardrobe. 

his cousin graduating with a degree in fashion and becoming a fashion merchandiser had seemingly helped duri a lot too - making sure that he’s actually dressing well. 

whenever he has questions about fashion, he’s either going to his cousin, yena, or taejin because he trusts their opinions. 

duri has become a lot better with his own sense of fashion, where he’s taking things and really just making things his own. he’ll tend to follow trends, but a lot of the time, he’ll just start his own trends and make them his own. he wears a lot of tight clothing, besides for sweaters (turtlenecks are left out of this because he loves a good tight turtleneck), because it’s the most comfortable for him. however, in the summer, he has learned that he enjoys the look of outfits that are bit more flowy because they keep you cooler when walking around the city. 

duri is no longer a walking, fashion nightmare. he’s very comfortable with fashion and styling himself. generally, he might even be able to take his own style and design clothing - even if he might not having anything special when it comes to his fashion, he still looks really good, and he’s considered to be very fashionable - however, that’s mainly because of the influences of his cousin, yena, and taejin. but, no one can see that he isn’t fashionable, because he clearly is now. even his active wear outfits have been considered to be fashionable in one way or another. 

all in all, call him a fashionista now! 

[urkpoppsychic]

IZONE: Love update? and what will they do next after contracts ends? Part 1

Reminder this is just a reading, this is only for entertaining purposes so don’t take it serious. It might not be 100% accurate. Enjoy the reading part 2 will be tomorrow!

EunBi Libra:

Current love life: There is someone she trusts and builds trust with, It also can be that the Universe is testing her to trust herself. Her thoughts and feelings towards her person represent the 5 of waters; which means that she is feeling disappointed and sad about the things that have been done. It just didn't go as planned and she might focus. she might feel guilty or regret about it but i feel it is not a major issue because. The 5 of cups is not the end of the world, it also asks you to see and open your eyes for the things that you have. To focus on the 2 cups that stand upright. The person's feelings and thoughts represent the 5 of earth. (There is a lot of 5 in the energy. (That means things or situations are shifting/changing, chaos, the half of the cycle.) back to the energy of her person. The 5 of earth made me feel like he is pushing her away or letting himself left in the cold or her. He worries and is insecure about himself and his finances and career. It feels like he left her hanging for a moment not on purpose but more because he doesn't want her to be involved with his insecurities. Eunbi reacted disappointed about this and felt he was unrequited, by the sentence: ¨ẄHY DID YOU NOT ANSWER?¨. Her person also might deal with some family issues. Which he is hiding from her. The energy in between her and him is 10 of Earth. happy home, fulfillment in career and finances, a completion for an ideal household, They both see each other as long term in this commitment and they wanna go for a happy, secure, marriage, home, and family life.

What will she do after Izone:

She might not know yet what she wants to do. she is indecisive, she might be avoiding because she is not ready. She takes her time to recover and heal, But I also see some good news for her about an opportunity, like a new beginning of a passionate offer. Maybe from a new agency. She will see the truth of her confused time and open for new visions and clarity. She needs to take a time off and she will be able go with the flow. I see her embracing the new cycle of her career path. I do see her moving forward in the entertainment industry but she also needs to let go and flow with the wave.

Sakura Pisces:

Current love life: What I see for her is that she is seeing someone, her energy feels passionate with the 3 of fire, and it seems like she is gonna make future plans for this relationship. She might want to move very quickly and impulsively. Because she is really feeling great about this. The king of waters about her feelings and thoughts towards her person: She has deep emotions and feelings for him. The person in her life might be someone who is trustworthy, full of compassion, respectful and very polite. Someone who is emotionally mature. He is practical and is more a slower energy in this loving process of Sakura´s love journey. Her personal feelings towards Sakura are the 10 of Earth. Which means he is seeing her as the end game. Long Term commitment, home, having a family, marriage, abundance and materialistic fulfillment. They see both of each other as the person they want to marry in the future. It really feels like a special soulmate connection, and it's worth waiting for.

What will she do after Izone:

she will move forward, even with the sadness and isolation. She will move forward and confront and reflect what she wants to do. She might have worries and hesitate for a new beginning, a new change seems scary but I see solutions that will end all the sadness from the past experiences. There is a new potential for her, a new beginning for her in the entertainment industry. She will assist and join a new contract/commitment. a new project? that will be the new focus. Someone is mentoring her or teaching her.

Hyewon Cancer:

Her energy towards her love life is: the Knight of fire and the Knight of Air. Which makes me feel she is dealing with 2 people. (third party). She represents herself as the Knight of pentacles that is her feelings and thoughts to her love life. Which means that she is lowkey, slow but steady, taking her time, friendly, getting to know, loyal. The third party situation tells me that the air person could be a friend and that he might see Hyewon as a potential love interest. While she is with the fire person. The fire person is getting his way and Hyewon will not easily be stolen by him. Someone in this connection could also be wearing a mask, and might not show his or her true selves to their counterpart. They share chemistry.

I have a feeling that she will continue to be an idol, but that her career will be short-term. She will find an agency who is equal and a moment to let her shine for a while. But doubt that her idol life in the long term will be shorter than we had expected. but it might be the end. It will be sad and painfull. But there are still things that have been unfinished for her.

Yena Libra:

Her energy towards her love life is number 5, oneness aka (The hermit). Which means that she might not be physically with the person, but she is emotionally or spiritually connected with her person. She is thinking about him and she is reflecting and looking for clarity. She is connected and oneness with the Divine and connected with her lover. (with the 5 of earth) She might feel anxious and left out in the cold, or she has to push herself away. because she might have been apart with her person for a longtime due to promotions and work related. It caused insecurities within their commitment. (Her person's feelings and thoughts are 9 of water. which says that he is seeing her as her wish fulfillment and everything that he wants. He sees her as a wife material. They still have to learn each other in a deeper way… and important for Yena to stay positive in her connection. They share both passions in the connection.

A new beginning, taking the leap of faith, risk taker, She is quick and impulsive she will transfer quickly to a new start. I see her joining a new idol group.

Chaeyeon Capricorn:

What I see for her is that she might not be in a relationship or dating, she might be in contact with a new person. She might dream about a relationship or materialistic commitment. She feels positive about it, I also see this is just the beginning of a new connection, she is flirting with him and vice versa. but there is perception going on. someone is not really showing their true selves and the reason could be many factors. But they will meet each other very soon and explore an exciting experience.

What will she do after izone:

Yes, it feels like she will continue working hard as an idol, creating a beautiful ending for her new chapter. She will be happy and fulfilled. getting a well-deserved reward. I see her blossom and come back as an idol. or in entertainment.

Chaewon Leo:

What I sense is that she might be in contact with a person from her workplace, (the same company as starship entertainment) They work well with another and they know each other for some time. It feels comfortable. They think about each other. but they are not having enough quality time. The block will move away, they will move forward from something that didn't serve them. Difficult situation will be gone and they will have to travel to see each other soon.

I see singing OST songs, and doing solo projects but also try acting. She is an allrounder and I see new projects coming for her.

[yenafmd]

❧ just keep driving.

date(s): august 2021 mentions of: n/a word count: 657 words warnings: death mention (though in a metaphorical sense, never pertaining actual people), sexualisation details: a year since calypso’s last comeback and what yena feels is... overwhelming dissapointment. it makes her worry for whatever dissapointments lie ahead for calypso, if there is anything ahead of them at all to begin with disclaimer: i’m not trying to dicate calypso’s trajectory in any way, we ride might have been almost a disbandment song for brave girls but i’m not trying to project that on calypso. please keep in mind that this is yena’s personal perspective on the state of her group rather than the reality of things. don’t take any of this as the objective truth. (which, btw, you should never do with my writing anyway)

yena didn’t expect their first comeback in a year to be so… disappointing.

it wasn’t the longest calypso had ever gone without a comeback, the release of rollin’ had been followed by a gap of a year and a half and the anticipation to get back on stage had been just as high as it had been now, if not higher. 

but back then, actually being back on stage hadn’t felt like the slap to the face it felt like this time.

maybe it was because there had gone significantly more effort into their comeback back then, prima donna had been a full album and the music video for gun while not outrageously fancy, had at least been up to par, nothing that looked excessively cheap.

we ride, while a good song, was just that, one song. a digital single with a music video that had clearly cost dimensions no more than spare change.

the whole thing looked cheap, felt cheap, and the song would never be good enough to make up for that, especially not in the eyes of the general public. she was torn really, between feeling humiliated by how obviously cheap it all was or by being frustrated that no one hardly seemed to realize they had made a comeback anyway. because it truly did feel that way, like maybe calypso was just invisible, or maybe the company had uploaded the comeback on private or something by mistake, the silence surrounding their comeback absolutely deafening.

perhaps that was all in yena’s head, perhaps this time wasn’t all that much worse than their last handful of comebacks had been but it didn’t feel that way. it was a bit like ripples of water. usually, calypso comebacks were like a pebble into a pond, it’s impact minimal but the visual evidence was there, the gentle rippling of water fading outwards, not much but a little splash after all.

this comeback felt like they might as well have tossed a grain of sand in the pond. 

and it left yena wondering where exactly they had gone wrong this time

had it been too long since their last comeback, had that year of nothing been the slow, drawn out death of whatever public interest they did hold as a group? or had it been the lack of funding that had gone into their comeback? the lack of marketing and budget being the final nail to the coffin?

or was it just undeniable that people just really didn’t care about calypso if they didn’t pander to their sexy, alluring fantasies?

that was a whole different can of worms all-together, one that, for yena’s sanity (which as much as she liked to pretend otherwise, already wasn’t the strongest). the conclusion was the same every time anyway, that there was nothing to be done about it, nothing within their control that could stop their careers from slowly bleeding out.

and god did all of calypso try their best to prevent that, from going into acting, to modeling side gigs, to writing and releasing solo music, all they did was try to attract some attention to the group but for years, their very earnest efforts had failed. yena didn’t know how long they could keep that up.

it was discouraging to say the least, and it made it hard to step out on stage everytime. dimensions had never said at much, had not threatened their disbandment if things didn’t start looking up but yena could still feel it loom over her head, the potential end of calypso.

if this would end up being their last song, could people not have the decency to acknowledge it?

what was the difference between silently disbanding and making irrelevant comebacks like this at the end of the day? either way, no one would really notice if calypso just ceased to exist. 

if they didn’t notice when they were there, who would notice if they were gone.

[memoriesofyccjungrk]

▫︎ ▪︎  ━ 하르츠 EVALUATION PREPARATION

don’t get gahyeon wrong, she’s thrilled about yena being confirmed for debut. actually, she’s ecstatic, because her best friend is getting to achieve what most people only dream of … but she can’t help but feel a little lost from the day the other girl is confirmed.

while gahyeon jumps and celebrates along with yena and the other girls when the coaches call out her name as the next girl of the month, it isn’t until she steps back into her room, door closed, that something in her drops. the day yena moves out, she feels a hole form in her chest as she watches the last of the boxes disappear from yena’s room. this had happened once before, and maybe gahyeon thought she’d be prepared for the moment yena was chosen – but part of her doesn’t think she thought yena would be chosen before herself. maybe she selfishly assumed it would be the other way around, that there would still be an emptiness as she and yena were separated, but she would finally feel the relief of confirmation wash over her.

instead, she’s left alone in a too-big apartment for the second time, and gahyeon begins to wonder … will this be her reality ? with a confirmed rapper in the debut line, as well as knowledge of yena’s own rap skills and knowing that she had showcased that to the coaches, is there room for another ? not to mention the fact that gahyeon was well-aware that there were far more girls in the project who were more than capable of both rap and singing. would this mean she just came along in the project to watch her debut, then go back to royal with her tail between her legs ?

doubt comes in.

maybe the world was trying to tell her something. of course gahyeon wanted to be nothing but happy for her ( now former ) roommate, but was it wrong for her to feel a little bit jealous ? a little hurt ? a little lost ? she didn’t want to make yena’s debut about herself – no, this was supposed to be yena’s moment. the other girl was preparing for what they had been training form. so gahyeon tried to keep it to herself, tried to not let her concern for herself permeate the air around her every time she stepped into sphere’s buildings. it would be embarrassing to return to royal after all this – sure, it had only been a month so far, but if gahyeon was going to stick it out for the long run, she didn’t know if she could return as a failure. it would just make herself feel worse.

doubt comes in.

when they walk into practice the next day, gahyeon feels heavy and lost, even though yena joins them to do group practice, everything starts to settle in that yena’s leaving her for good when the other girl completely moves out. she tries to distance herself at least a bit, not be so clingy this month because maybe she’ll protect herself from the inevitable hurt. the first night without her roommate was hard enough, the fact she knew she had to continue going back to it wasn’t exactly a thrilling idea. from time to time, gahyeon turns to arin for sleepovers, just so she doesn’t have to be alone – but she doesn’t want to be a burden either, so she tries to limit herself from spending all her time at her friend’s house.

but it just seemed that realization after realization kept smacking her in the face, reminding her of her slim chances. while gahyeon had auditioned for their girl crush unit, participating in the project itself made gahyeon wonder exactly why they needed more girls for said unit. there were more than enough girls who could fit the bill, and with juyeon confirmed and only three girls eligible for the unit, gahyeon began to wonder if she’d even manage to get in. while they didn’t know for sure juyeon would debut with said unit, gahyeon would consider it to make the most sense. they wouldn’t confirm her so early otherwise … right ? she wasn’t sure – but it didn’t make her feel any better about the situation. with so many girls very clearly moving toward said unit and only three spots, her chances just seemed slimmer and slimmer of actually making it in, in the first place. not to mention they had no idea what they’d prepared for a third unit – and she wasn’t sure if she was comfortable with not knowing what she was getting herself into at that point. but she had no choice at this point.

doubt comes in.

gahyeon keeps a smile on her face during practice regardless, interacts well with the other girls and tries to stave off the excess anxiety that buzzes under her skin. for the most part, she keeps it under lock-and-key and instead channels it into over-practicing. gahyeon’s no stranger to overworking herself – she’s not sure how long she spent in the studios back in the mgas, and at this point everything reminds her of those dark days. other than the ‘ no input from the coaches ’ which she was starting to gather wasn’t just a royal thing, either. with nothing more than the fact she didn’t make it to go off of, gahyeon needs to figure out her next move to make her performance better. she needs to work harder. longer. better.

which ends up entailing gahyeon spending ungodly hours in the studio throughout a majority of the month. practicing moth the group and solo evaluation performances, gahyeon practically lives in the studio – which was hard, because she already lived in the studio. she even managed to fall asleep in one of the practice rooms on a particular night – but only until one of the custodians wandered in and urged gahyeon to go home and get some rest there, the studio floor couldn’t possibly be comfortable ( and god only knew what was on there. )

gahyeon doesn’t think she sleeps any more comfortably at her lonely apartment than she had in the studio.

doubt comes in.

did she make a mistake ?

gahyeon guesses only time will truly tell if she made the right choice in joining. at this point, there’s no going back. no matter her doubts, she needs to keep pushing forward – because otherwise, what more did she have ? if she gave up now, she would lose any chance in debuting with her friend, and wasn’t that what they had come here to do ? weren’t they so determined to debut together ? the process was long and confusing, and gahyeon wouldn’t know for sure if she made it until that very last month … but for now, she needed to keep pushing through. without effort, there’s no outcome. so, she kept working – because she’d gotten herself into this. she had to see it out.

a small part of her reminds her why she had told herself she’d never do this again, however. he stares at her reflection in the mirror as she finishes her performance one more time, the music fading out as it came to an end. breathing heavily, gahyeon examines herself. she’s exhausted, from more than just dancing. her mind has been running a mile a minute since the project began, and she wondered if it would ever quiet down – or if only debut would stop her doubts from surfacing. she’s not sure. debut won’t fix all her problems. but if she managed to make it, then she would finally get some proof that she was capable of something like this – that she maybe even deserved it. debut wouldn’t fix her insecurities – but it would quell the beast in the back of her head ravaging her self-confidence that dwindled from time to time.

nothing worse than a competition to bring her down, right ?

but no matter what, she had to keep working.

gahyeon jumps when she hears a knock on the practice room door, spinning around to see the same custodial staffer from before walk in with a sad smile on her face. embarrassed, gahyeon bows and apologizes before gathering her things and skittering out of the practice room as fast as possible. only to go home to an empty apartment once again.

once she gets back, gahyeon feels even more exhausted and hardly has the energy to shower before she flops onto her bet and stares blankly up at the ceiling.

would it all be worth it, in the end ?

[wickymicky]

just saw a post from you about izone on my dash thanks to that weird catch up(?) thing tumblr does, and it got me thinking about how izone definitely has the most chance to stay in some form after their time is up out of all the temporary survival show groups. like, they are huge moneymakers for one, and we all know how entertainment companies love some good dollar. plus, as far as I'm aware at least, there are more members with less previous/outside convictions, unlike wanna one for example

yeah and like some companies might not wanna debut the members, because they might wanna distance themselves from the rigging scandal, you know? OTR has its problems for sure, but the fact that it’s a label set up specifically to manage izone and fromis 9 instead of the group being managed by a sort of temporary thing like the company that managed IOI, Wanna One, and X-1, like, i think that stuff bodes well. it seems like izone has a more dedicated team involved in managing them than the others had, and OTR also manages another girl group that is permanent (though not well... but i’ll save the discussion of how OTR manages fromis for another post) means they have the infrastructure there. i dont think its impossible to imagine OTR negotiating contract stuff with the companies that the members belong(ed) to. some more than others, maybe. like on the one hand, even if 8d might not keep hyewon, starship will probably wanna hold on to wonyoung and yujin, but on the other hand... starship is one of the primary companies facing legal action in the rigging scandal. wasnt their ceo arrested or something?

so yeah like think about it... lemme go down one by one actually

Eunbi and Chaewon are from Woollim, and probably were both predebut members for Rocket Punch. groups are planned for a while in advance, and probably Woollim had the idea of sending some members of their future group to Produce 48, knowing that even if none of them made it in the final lineup, they’d still continue with debuting in their own new girl group and they’d have the name recognition from having at least been on the show. Eunbi and Chaewon did end up debuting in the final lineup, but if they hadnt, they would’ve been in Rocket Punch, for sure. but if/when Izone disbands... i’m not sure Eunbi would join. i could see her being a soloist of some sort, but she’s a lot older than most of the RP members, which wouldnt have been as much of an issue at debut but will be more of an issue later, especially since Yeonhee will have been the leader for two years at that point (and Eunbi would definitely be placed in the leader position if she joins). I could see Chaewon in Rocket Punch though. but again, who knows?

Yena could be placed into Everglow but obviously, Everglow is the group that has been in existence for the longest time out of the other prospective Izone-member groups. and they’ve found a decent amount of success too, like, Yuehua might have been banking on Yena joining at first, but they don’t really *need* Yena anymore, you know? Everglow has a strong identity and will be even more established by the time Yena would be added. I wouldnt necessarily be opposed to it, because Yena definitely is still close to the members, it wouldn’t feel unnatural and they’d all definitely get along really well, but it’s not really necessary. also I think anyone who is a fan of Yena cant imagine her debuting without Yuri at the very least... or maybe that’s just me

which brings me to Yuri. what’s gonna happen with Yuri? her company when she was on PD48 was just Stone Music... the company that owns OTR. like... no matter what happens, Yuri will stay with OTR, no doubt. even if she debuts as a soloist or something, i guarantee it’ll be under OTR (or Swing or whatever. but i think it’d make sense for her to remain adjacent to fromis 9). unless maybe she leaves and joins Everglow with Yena lmao... but i cant really picture that hahaha

Hyewon and Minju... their companies are really small, it seems. even if everything goes according to plan and Izone disbands, i think it’s pretty unlikely that either of them will remain under 8D Creative and Urban Works, respectively. i’m not sure either of them would make good soloists either............

as i said, Wonyoung and Yujin’s future is both more set in stone than the others and also more up in the air than the others. it’s both of those contradicting things at the same time. who knows. also Starship just debuted a group with their X-1 member(s? i dont know), will they really debut yet another group in a year or so? WJSN should still be their gg focus....

Chaeyeon has been part of a known trainee group at WM for a while, it’s likely that they’ll debut together, but.... Chaeyeon has such ridiculous potential, and she’s a couple years older than the other trainees in that group if i remember correctly (it’s been a while since i checked), so like.... i’m not saying it’d be a waste, cause idk, maybe that group would be awesome but.... I mean.... 

J-Line.... Sakura, Nako, Hitomi... who even knows... okay so Sakura will likely be in a position to “graduate” from the AKB group she’s in by then, and who knows what she’ll do after that, but AKB48 won’t wanna give up Nako and Hitomi most likely. i think especially Hitomi because like... from what i understand, it’s not like she was totally unknown or totally unpopular when she was in her AKB group (idk which one) back then, but it’s certainly true that she was not like a household name by any stretch of the imagination. suddenly, one of the idols they had becomes super popular all of a sudden... they aren’t gonna wanna give that up. sigh. Nako and Sakura were known much more already, so i feel like they actually have more leeway to do their own thing after Izone disbands. i’m not sure about Hitomi though. also i’m not sure what they’ll all even wanna do after the disbandment! there’s a chance that even if they can do whatever they want and are free agents, they’ll still wanna go back to Japan to promote there. and that makes total sense and i wouldnt blame them at all!!! that’s their home! i feel like Sakura has the highest chance of staying in Korea and hopefully (fingers crossed) staying with Chaeyeon.... but i mean i know i would like to see all three of them stay lol

and that’s all of them. idk, idk what’s gonna happen. there’s no nice way of saying this, but uh... Izone dont have the kind of monster-talent that the IOI members had... and EVEN THEN, like, look at the IOI groups... like even though IOI had members like Sejeong, Yoojung, Chungha, etc who come around only several times in a generation, look at the post-IOI groups... none of them are doing very well except for Chungha’s solo career and WJSN, and it’s not like WJSN is there purely because of Yeonjung’s time in IOI. WJSN wasnt formed around her though, she was added later. i think it’s clear that even if you have the most talented idol in the universe, building a group around that one member... doesn’t work. you have to build a group around the strengths and weaknesses of ALL the members. debuting a whole group in order to just promote the one or two famous members does not work, and that’s been shown time and time again, unfortunately. you have to make a real effort to promote all of them. and those IOI group examples are with talent like Yoojung, Doyeon, (Jung) Chaeyeon, Sejeong, Mina, etc! no offense to Hyewon or Minju or someone like that, but, like, if building a group around Sejeong doesnt work, then certainly building a group around Minju wouldnt work either.....

i mean no offense to the members of Izone, i think they are really talented! they have some monster-talent members too! but without a doubt, their strength is as a unit. as all 12 of them. Yuri is a great vocalist, but a hypothetical Yuri-focused group wouldnt last (unless she’s just treated as a totally equal member to the other members... which is kind of impossible given the way the media works). the worst case scenario would be if not only does the group not become popular just based on the popularity of one member, but what if that member loses their popularity once they arent part of Izone? you know? I know I’ll follow their careers wherever they go, but will some people follow Yuri without Joyuriz? will they follow (Lee) Chaeyeon without the rest of Izone? idk man... idk. 

so what i’m saying is... there’s a real case to be made. i don’t think it’s unrealistic to think that the companies themselves know this and are also unsure of what the best step forward would be. maybe theyve even considered letting their Izone member go, if they dont think they would make their investment back by debuting them in a group of their own. idk. i think it’s at least likely that five or six of the Izone members will end up still together, even if the other half don’t. i suppose we’ll just have to wait and see though, cause its not like there’s much we can do about it :(

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON MAYDAY’S LEAD VOCAL, LEAD DANCE NA YERIM...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Yena CURRENT AGE: 23 DEBUT AGE: 21 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 14 COMPANY: Midas ETC: She has become known for her viral aegyo and almost meme worthy cuteness as a stan attractor

IDOL IMAGE

despite an inherent timidity towards any decisiveness against authority, yerim’s a bright and bubbly girl who just wants to make the world smile with her voice, her personality. she’s playful and naive, exudes a natural innocence that comes with her pointed lack of experience. it’s charming, the way it impacts her sense of humor, her lighthearted sass; funny, her playful arrogance. she’s cute. there’s nothing forced about it and it’s that that midas is counting on: her natural aura, genuine, the feeling of fondness and protectiveness that this aspect of her elicits.

she’s simple in that she’s generally easy to get along with, to laugh with, to be around, to love. she’s got that trademark adorable easy-to-approach air about her but shines in the spotlight. star quality isn’t something that can be bought and yerim’s got it in spades.

off stage, as the group’s stan attractor, she’s painted as the goofy girl-next-door, the childhood best friend you can laugh with, the little sister you’d sell your kidney for in a pinch. yerim’s pretty, radiant in the way you remember your first ever crush being when you were in school, but cute more than anything, genetically predisposed for idol life. she’s a social butterfly. her purity is captivating, youthful, and it has the potential to pull in a broad range of audiences if they play their cards right - people who want to preserve it, those on the other end of the spectrum who want to tear it back just to see what’s underneath, and those who resonate. her laughter is contagious and her wit, tangible, so it only makes sense that they put her on variety.

when she first enters under midas entertainment, a weary fourteen, she’s cautious, humbled by a life hardly lived and the cruelty of kids who hate anything different. in her insecurity, she struggles to bond with other trainees who have the zeal and passion of years of working toward a common goal under their belts, only standing out with any significance during performances, speaking when spoken to, singing her heart out the way she’d always dreamed of doing and smiling a smile that warms hearts. it’s a side effect of being muffled under the arm of her mother for the majority of her youth but there’s a charm that she’s picked up from talent shows, a natural knowingness that helps her play the part of someone to be admired, and, with the help of the company, she learns how to harvest it.

she improves.

it takes time and money but she learns how to fake it until it’s real, until she forces herself into the forefront of the minds of her coaches. “yerim,” is said with a hum of recognition. yerim is noticed. yerim is indispensable, can bring a smile to any face with her smile alone. yerim can shine.

she learns to smile even when her limbs ache from hours of dancing and singing and all she wants to do is curl up in bed and sleep.

it’s a gradual change, the shy girl from north gyeongsang reading as a girl who’s blossomed into herself over the course of her first year as a trainee, comfortable in her own skin and the growing attention as a potential member of a midas-owned girl group. a fire burns. they soften her hair and lighten her wardrobe - nothing is her own, not even her body, not even the pounds of healthy fat and muscles she sheds to be thinner like the girls who’ve succeeded. like a butterfly from a cocoon, when mayday debuts, new yerim rises. on stage, she lavishes in the moments where all eyes fall on her, where she gets to show off - the luxury of feeling the kind of greed that comes with performing without the guilt that had always followed suit. you have to be greedy to get by.

it could’ve been any of them, that got plucked out of the proverbial ashes and dusted off, polished into something that the masses of korea want to see. the industry is political. yerim is a tool, the chosen one, and the it girl idols before her are the blueprint.

she sings her ass off on stage - wants them to acknowledge that, too, that she’s talented and good and has worked hard to reach this point, to be a singer. she thinks about the fact that she left home for this, cut ties with her mother for this. she’s gotten so much better at dancing, feels vindicated in her role as a lead dancer because she’s worked for it, her performances get better every time.

she wants to remind them that there’s more to her than her image, that they make good music beyond all the bubblegum and whimsy. “please love mayday a lot!” she makes sure to add during her solo schedules. love is not the problem here - you can’t turn a street without hearing a mayday song, but. it’s not the respect and reverence she remembers people having towards diamant and jubilee. she wants that kind of love.

“so cute!” they say. she’s the “shy, shy, shy” girl, cute enough to slap her face on their brand, brazen enough to banter with on their variety shows. it’s shallow, the way they love her, the way they want her. the stan attractor.

she’s not too sure it feels as good.

IDOL HISTORY

TW BRIEF PHYSICAL/VERBAL ABUSE

act i, scene i, the sun shines through the clouds

yerim comes out singing. not literally, of course, but that’s the way her mother’s always made it seem, like this was the only thing she could ever picture for her little girl - the same bright little girl who’d sit in her lap during church and sing at the top of her lungs to every hymn, knew the words to every bit of gospel, and jumped at the opportunity to join the youth choir when she was finally old enough to hold a microphone. she’s a tiny, frail little thing, smaller than the other kids, and it pains her mother to watch yerim so far away, to watch her shine without her light. it’s a beautiful sight, though, the way she shines, the way she makes her mother feel like she was born to do it. she smiles so hard on stage, she’s scared her little face will split in two.

yerim’s mother learns early on that her zeal is conditional, that she shines so brightly but that she’s scared of her own shadow. she’s got stage fright something awful - conditional, because she’s fine when she can see her mother in the crowd of judging faces, but she throws up all over her brand new dress the day she has to dance a ballet solo in front of her class.

she’s relieved, she thinks, that it’s not easy for her to do it alone.

she’s her only child, her little yerim, the product of a short-lived relationship but a miracle, nonetheless. chubby and introverted, careful and stuck to her mother’s hip. she’s all she’s got. she doesn’t know if she could ever stomach having to let her go. yerim cries.

“another opportunity will come, baby,” she tells her when she brushes her hair before bed that same evening, holds her close and hums. “you were meant to shine.”

it gets better when she starts participating in neighborhood talent shows as an attempt to branch out and get over her fear. she’s good.

her mother makes sure it doesn’t get to her head.

scene ii, they part.

the curtains rise to the rolling sound of drums and there she stands. there’s a television stage left and on the screen, there’s colors. they’re bright enough to blind her but still, she stares. there’s an awe in her expression, like she’s seeing for the very first time - hearing, too, the sound of music in another form. it’s different, this music, to the trot songs and olden spirituals her mama plays around the house.

it’s the first time ever she’s gone to a sleepover. she’s embarrassed that she doesn’t know the song, that the other girls do. her idea of fun on a friday night up until now has been watching historical dramas with her mom on the couch with a bowl of lightly salted popcorn between them, but, now, watching gemini’s comeback stage, she thinks she’s in love. her friends tell her to pick a favorite. she can’t decide, but she goes home the next morning and downloads ‘mirotic’, listens to it when she gets ready for bed, so she’ll know the words, too.

it’s not a secret but her mother finds out when she catches her belting the song into her hairbrush after dinner, a printed out picture of the boys taped above her bed. (she’s decided she likes the main vocal’s part best.)

“who’re you listening to?” she asks, a hand against the doorframe.

“idols,” yerim replies, a new word added to her vocabulary. “don’t they sound cool?”

“don’t forget to pray.” her mother says.

interlude

the first and only time her mother hits her is when she comes out of her room with lip gloss on, some daiso mascara on her lashes and a cute shirt she’d borrowed from one of her friends. there’s nothing inappropriate about the look, just shorts and a shirt, stomach and thighs hidden like she’s been taught to keep them. she’s slimmed down, shed her baby fat and shows the beginnings of a figure. she’s thirteen and learning about makeup and self-expression from the now regular sleepovers she has with her school friends every weekend. they meet up and sing together, plan on putting together a cover performance for the back to school showcase after being inspired by some upper gen girl group’s comeback (clover - mister, to be exact - and she’s already gotten in trouble for doing the butt dance around the house but she’s determined to get it right).

by now, she’s made a habit of spending her weekends and time after school, roaming with her friends for adventure and showcases to sign up for. her walls are plastered with idol posters now, bought with the money she picks up from babysitting the toddler who lives in the flat next door when his parents are out. she has her first kiss with a boy who uses too much tongue and doesn’t know her name on a dare. she’s growing up, discovering herself, doesn’t see a thing wrong with it until her mother slaps her square across the face.

it stings something fierce, burns with a kind of betrayal she’s never felt before - ever. it’s the first time she feels truly afraid of her mother. it hurts more when she speaks, tells her to change because she looks like a trollop.

yerim changes. something changes with her. she prays.

2010.

her friend goes to an audition for midas. “come along,” she says, “it’ll be fun.” she says, but it feels like a set up somehow. it’s incredibly cliche, the way she doesn’t intend to audition, doesn’t even think about it, but winds up in front a panel of judges before she even realizes she’s there. she needs to be home by six. caught off guard, she sings diamant’s into the new world with absolutely no expectations, dances a bit to some generic pop music with moves she’d learned from older friends as a display of her grasp on rhythm, and makes a point to apologize to them for being unprepared. she squirms, smiles sheepishly and tries not seem as nervous as she is.

it’s cute. they like her. she doesn’t know how she’s going to tell her mom.

act ii,scene i hell freezes over

she tells her over dinner.

her mother’s mad, the way yerim knew she’d be. she tells her that when she thought of her becoming a singer, she’d always pictured someone classy and regaled like so hyang, maybe a traditional dancer, but this. this isn’t what she wants and she makes sure that yerim knows it when she signs the paperwork. things get cold after that, like it’s her mom’s attempt to ice her out, guilt her into calling it quits so she can pay the hefty fee for a month or two and they can go back to spending every night together, quiet and safe and holy.

it hurts her feelings but she pushes through, spends her time as a trainee doing the best she can, stays away from home as long as possible when the opportunities arise, but always comes back with her tail between her legs on the rare occasion she gets truly, properly scolded. she’s compliant when she can be, when it doesn’t speak against her soul.

four years pass and it gets colder.

things reach a head when she’s old enough to be out on her own and her mother kicks her out. she doesn’t look at her when she does it, doesn’t say a word, but the way her things are neatly packed and waiting by the door when she gets home from training speak volumes. the bible on top of her suitcase while her mother sits in her usual spot in front of the television feels passive aggressive, hurts her feelings, but she leaves. she stays the night at one of her trainee friend’s apartment and never goes back. she scrapes together money to find a place of her own.

her mother cries, feels like a failure, feels terribly alone. she doesn’t call.

it’s the first time yerim ever truly goes against the grain. hell freezes.

it’s too cold.

scene ii, let me entertain you

debut doesn’t feel the way she thought it would. it’s very clinical, the whole process.

she expects them to be received with open arms by the public but the scores during music shows, though decent, speak volumes, their song does okay but it’s not enough. it’s a hum, barely even a clap of thunder, just a rumble. she’s happy anyway, like she always is, glad she gets to perform, but she holds out hope for a breakthrough, holds out hope for the comparisons to aurora to stop. lovesick doesn’t help.

and, then. cheer up happens.

she doesn’t do it on purpose, the whole aegyo thing, not really. it’s a part of the song. it’s a few days spent without her giving it any real thought, but one morning, she sees her face on pann, a gif of herself, and wonders what the fuss is about. weeks pass and she’s genuinely surprised to see other idols do it during interviews, finds herself searching for compilations on youtube and twitter and giggling in delight when she should be sleeping. it feels surreal but her company seems pleased. “shy, shy, shy,” sweeps across the nation

she doesn’t realize what it really means until they start to really push her, booking her appearances on variety shows, commercials here and there to keep the public’s eyes on her - the mc’s always bring it up, exhaust it to the point where she has to find new ways to freshen it up, deflect with cutely timed petulance and humor. they coo over her, laugh at her jokes, seem utterly charmed by her and it’s - different. it’s never about her singing. it’s a side effect of being a midas girl group member, aurora’s little sister, she assumes, knows full well that some other rookies aren’t half as lucky, privileged. the company tells her she’s being helpful.

it gets even different-er when months down the line, she’s offered a reoccuring role on running man, an open door welcome for her to participate on the show, following the love she’d gotten for her aegyofied acrostic poems the last time she and her members had appeared - they’d liked her that much.

management accepts it, of course, without really even asking her but it’s fine, she guesses. she likes appearing on shows like that, preens under the attention she gets for simply existing, showcasing her personality. the performance aspect becomes her favorite part and midas knows to milk it.

years on, her workload piles up on top of already exhaustive group promotions and she does her best not to complain about it. it’s better to be booked and busy than to fall to the wayside, right? in any case, she preens under their attention for what it’s worth.

she doesn’t question their motives, though. it’s okay. she’ll do what they want her to do. if it’ll help.

[memoriesofyccjungrk]

▫︎ ▪︎  ━ 하르츠 JULY 2020 EVALUATION             GLASS SHOES &            DO OR DIE

gahyeon wasn’t going to lie, she hadn’t really expected to make it into the heartz project.

it wasn’t because she didn’t think she was skilled enough – no, she had long grown out of the thoughts that she wasn’t talented enough to make it. because gahyeon is now well aware and far more willing to admit that she was talented, more than she had been when she’d even been signed. gahyeon had grown into a talented performed, and she knew that she was likely skilled enough to get into whatever debut project she set her mind on. gahyeon would like to think that was true, at least. no – it had less to do with doubting her talent than just doubting herself, period. the words of her father echo in her head from when she’d been signed – a voice that only appears whenever she becomes far too comfortable in her own skin. a voice that reminds her that she’s just some poor girl from busan, that she’s thrown away everything for a pipedream she’s never known would ever come to fruition, not for sure.

it was so frustrating that gahyeon had managed to work herself up to the point of being terrified to step into the royal building on june 30. because she knew that june 30 would be the day one of the trainers would finally walk up to gahyeona and yena and tell them that they either made it or hadn’t. stronger was the fear that she wouldn’t make it versus yena not making it, but clearly it was all for naught – because the moment one of the coaches walked up to them that afternoon, gahyeon knew they’d both made it. they’d jumped around, had been excited – this was something new for them, something exciting. but a small realization came afterward.

gahyeon and dongmin breaking up was perhaps unexpected, but gahyeon felt as though it was the best option. with him leaving trc and gahyeon’s schedule changes ( and her ultimately working later into the night than she even did at royal on her own accord ), gahyeon knew they needed to part ways. that even though they cared dearly for one another, things were about to get more difficult – and neither wanted to hold one another back.

perhaps what gahyeon hadn’t realized was how much it would affect her training.

their first few days before the breakup had been tough, but the week following felt like hell. gahyeon didn’t figure she would turn into a shell of herself, didn’t think that she’d feel an emptiness in her chest whenever she was awake – because it was mutual. quite honestly, it was her own idea – she’d brought it up first … so why did she feel so hurt ? why did she feel so alone every time she woke up and wished she could do nothing more than curl up in bed and pretend that the world didn’t exist. that she wouldn’t have to deal with her responsibilities because she was sad – unfortunately, though, she knew that this wasn’t true. despite how she lagged in comparison to how she usually was, gahyeon knew that she had to work hard.

because the trainers didn’t care about gahyeon’s personal life. they didn’t care that she’d just had a breakup – and if they knew, she’d probably get a stern talking to anyway. maybe it was because of things like this that the no-dating rule was in place for trainees. gahyeon guesses she’d never felt more distracted than she did the first week of training with the heartz girls. she tries not to let it show, but it takes gahyeon a little longer to get the steps down to the group routine than it would’ve if she’d been in her right mind. the lyrics just made her want to cry ( why did every sweet girl group song have to be about love ? ) but she held back her tears. she worked half-heartedly on her lines and only spent the time she had to in sphere, leaving at the end of their schedule despite the fact she felt strange going home so early.

but she just felt so detached and wasn’t sure how to make that connection.

it wasn’t just because of her breakup, if anything her breakup only made the guilt of leaving royal worse and more hindering. not to mention, gahyeon didn’t see a way to really connect with the other girls – although perhaps it was because she didn’t want to at the time. the first week gahyeon watched as both heejin and yena made connections with the other girls, and gahyeon herself just felt stunted. she wasn’t good with new people in the first place but moving companies on top of her breakup made it even harder for gahyeon to feel comfortable reaching out and talking to anyone else. gahyeon felt tethered – still felt as though she was pulled backward while everyone else moved ahead of her. she was almost jealous of the fact that everyone else seemed to be doing so much better – but she guesses they were all in very different situations. because under normal circumstances, gahyeon thinks she wouldn’t have felt stunted in the first week – but these weren’t exactly normal circumstances.

after the first week, however, gahyeon knows she can’t keep wallowing. if anything, that was just an invitation to kick her out of the program – and that wasn’t what she wanted. gahyeon had joined the project with an intent to debut with the heartz girls, or at least get something out of the program. she couldn’t let that go because she was upset.

overall, gahyeon never truly decides how she feels about the group performance. if it’s any indication of what their group will eventually do, gahyeon’s not totally against it, but it’s certainly not her favorite concept. it’s sweet, not really the gross shade of adorable gahyeon thought it would be. when she pulls herself back up, gahyeon realizes that perhaps the reason she wasn’t really enjoying her lines was because she didn’t have a lot of them. once she finally managed to focus on what she was doing – what she was singing – gahyeon was just not particularly happy. if not because of the lack of lines, then because a majority of it was vocals. not that she was opposed to singing, but because of the two short rap verses, gahyeon managed to get neither and was instead given one rap line that hardly showed any actual skill she had.

to say she was a little upset with the group line distribution was an understatement – but as usual, gahyeon said nothing. because gahyeon had sung, danced, and rapped to plenty of songs she wasn’t a fan of – had sung and rapped parts she wasn’t a big fan of. she doubted the coaches wanted any input, and either way the other rapper had been here longer – so who was gahyeon to complain ? she just wasn’t sure how she was supposed to show her talents if she wasn’t really given anything to show them with. because gahyeon wasn’t really a vocalist – actually, she was probably the weakest vocalist in the project. the fact that she had to sing for her group evaluation didn’t exactly make sense – hadn’t they watched her audition tape ? she certainly hadn’t sung much, if at all, in that. but gahyeon knew the coaches didn’t care what she had to say – and gahyeon figured it was more appropriate to keep her mouth shut rather than run it off and make anyone mad. if she wanted anything, it was to keep herself in the coach's good graces.

so, gahyeon kept her opinions to herself and focused on the choreography. overall, the performance wasn’t the hardest thing gahyeon had ever done. the girls were all competent dancers and good vocalists, so it wasn’t particularly difficult for them to learn the dance and manage to synchronize their dance movements. with some parts, it was particularly important because the movements seemed random and if they did it wrong, they’d end up just looking messy. not to mention they needed to keep stable vocals during the chorus when they all sang together, which was usually not too difficult to manage. even gahyeon managed to keep up with the vocals in the chorus, but probably because she had the other girl’s voices ringing in her ears to support her.

but her discontent with the group performance leads gahyeon to pick a song where she could shine in her solo evaluation. she guesses it makes her happy that they have another chance to show their complete skills, even if they’re not able to in the group evaluation – although assumes it probably stands as another way to ensure they can hold themselves as a soloist considering they debut alone before their group will. regardless, gahyeon wants to show what she’s good at instead of getting stuck with lines that she doesn’t feel particularly comfortable with. the solo evaluation still requires her to sing, so gahyeon sorts through her songs and eventually comes upon ‘ do or die. ’

for the vocal part of the evaluation, gahyeon had consulted heejin. after all, gahyeon felt far less uncomfortable going to a fellow newbie than going to someone who had been in the project since the beginning. after the tips and help heejin gifted gahyeon with in the beginning, gahyeon turned to the coaches. if only because she knew that heejin had her own solo evaluation to deal with, and gahyeon wasn’t about to take up the other girl’s precious training time – plus, the coaches were there for a reason. eventually, heejin’s advice wasn’t enough either, and the trainers were able to help gahyeon more with the issues she was having.

overall, gahyeon thinks it’s a confidence thing. she’s not at all confident in singing, although she knows that she eventually has to be. just because she wants one thing doesn’t mean she’s going to get it – and if the group evaluation was any indication, there were clearly other people that sphere was considering for a rapper position. but overall, it was her forte and gahyeon was going to prove that she was just as if not more competent as another girl. but to do both, gahyeon knew that she needed to be confident in both. so, she worked a lot on the lines she had, singing them with the choreography and even just walking around the studio to put more into her lines.

the choreography for gahyeon’s solo was well within her own style, and the song itself had a good balance of vocals and rap. in the end gahyeon wanted to show she was a competent performer. sorting through songs was difficult particularly because she didn’t want to pick a song she couldn’t manage vocal-wise, but the trainers were fairly good at helping her with what she was most concerned about.

not to mention the song made gahyeon feel powerful – which was a feeling gahyeon rarely felt. maybe it was the effect of the confident lyrics and music, but she felt good performing ‘ do or die. ’ after a rough start to the month, gahyeon is sure she needed it.

despite the shorter schedule, gahyeon ends up spending hours after practice in the studio perfecting movements, back to her regular self. especially on weekends, gahyeon spends time in the sphere building late into the night, ensuring that her performance was as polished as she could manage with her skillset ( not to mention she felt strange leaving the studio so early, having gotten used to being on the royal schedule for two years. ) whether it was on her own or with the coaches, gahyeon aimed to perfect the movements and vocals needed for her performance. although the original featured many dancers to create a fuller, impactful feeling, gahyeon was determined to achieve that on her own. she didn’t have backup dancers and instead needed to rely on her own skills.

when it comes to her actual performance, gahyeon is determined to exude the confidence that the original artist does. the movements are quick and required to be precise to look clean – which isn’t really difficult for gahyeon to achieve at this point. the vocals are easy enough for gahyeon to follow along with that she manages to feel comfortable with her performance by the time she has to perform it in front of the coaches. she made some small adjustments where the original performer had interacted with the backup dancers, gahyeon couldn’t very well do that, but they were added in cleanly and gahyeon had little issue integrating them in.

but for gahyeon, she thinks that she can handle it. although she worries more about her vocals, by the time she’s performing they come out relatively stable. her work with the coaches has earned her a bit more of a range than she had previously – enough so that she feels confident as she performs in front of the judges. every movement is sharp and well-practiced but done with ease. the hip-hop-esque dance is something gahyeon’s more than familiar with, and despite the jumping, gahyeon’s able to maintain the quality of her voice throughout the performance – both in vocals and rap. she’s not the triple threat that yena is, but she’s not half-bad, either. she’s worked hard to perfect the song, so much so that at the end of the performance when she brings down one hand in a crown-like position atop her head, her lips curl into a confident grin.

in the end, gahyeon’s happy about both her performances – and hopes that she’s shown the coaches enough to prove she was worth more than one line in what she’s actually skilled at. 

[yenafmd]

— headcanon 003: future plans (muse’s goals)

wc: 637 words

yena has accepted that 2022 is the year calypso dies, they’re not actually, they’re just very low on activities for the year but yena has mentally locked onto the fact that the group’s potential is dead and gone and that they’re set for a slow drag of a disbandment behind the scenes that will only truly be made public god knows how long after they’ve actually gone inactive, probably by the time when their contracts run out and no one can even remember when the last calypso comeback was

of course, this isn’t true because 1.) yena is DRAMATIC and 2.) there are good things coming calypso’s way very soon but like, suspension of disbelief, pls try to understand yena’s singular, usually dormant braincell here for a second

either way since yena has accepted that her idol career is DEAD she’s determined to fully throw herself into her solo activities. no offense to the other calypso girlies (even if right now they’re npcs) but yena has seen the statistics, usually only one or two members (at most) seem to retain relevancy after their groups disband and yena is very dedicated to being that

not as an idol of course, she suposes her singing and dancing days are over, debuting her as a solo artist has never been very high on dimensions priority list, for one there is nothing in the idol field she excels at, nothing that one of her members don’t do better than she does. secondly because she is already pretty established in... a lot of other fields in the entertainment industry, acting, modeling, even some first steps into variety, so it seems logical to continue in those footsteps

she’s kicking the year of with a main cast position on a variety show (the first season of sixth sense) that much she knows already and she hopes it will kind of keep her name in the minds of the general public

other than that her main focus is acting, or well, she wants it to be. it’s been a while since her last acting role, early 2019, and she’s truly dying to get back to it, less group schedules means more window of opportunity to finally get back into acting again and honestly yena is kind of excited about that

she’d love play in a movie for a change, so far only having done dramas but she also would like to have the lead role in a drama, an opportunity she has only had once before and well, we all know how yena loves to be the center of attention. so that’s where most of her efforts are focussed, reading scripts, going to auditions, all that.

modeling is still a thing of course but yena definitely sees it as a side gig most of all, sure she loves standing in front of the camera and looking pretty, she’ll gladly do it but most of all she’s trying to build something somewhat stable for herself, trying to contrast what her idol years have been and while she’s of course as pretty as ever, yena is more than ever aware that her beauty is fleeting and that while acting relies on her looks in some part too, there is generally a wider array of work left for her as she gets older. 

variety, for now, is more of a budding interest. yena doesn’t know where it’s gonna go yet but she’s tentatively excited for the time being, she’s good at just talking away on camera and charming people and she has quite some general variety experience just from being an idol. for now she has to wait and see a bit if her appearance on variety shows will be well-received (which it will be) but after that, it’s definitely something she’s ready to lean into more heavily.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON MAYDAY’S MAIN VOCAL, LEAD DANCE NA YERIM...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Yena CURRENT AGE: 23 DEBUT AGE: 22 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 17 COMPANY: MSG SECONDARY SKILL: N/A

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): 

예나치 (yenachi) - in reference to fans of yena finding her to be a great treasure or gift of significant value to the group’s success, but also alternatively a cheeky reference yena’s toothy smile when she gets excited.

찡찡이 예림이 (jjing-jingi yerimie, whiny yerim) - a playful, affectionate nickname born from yerim’s tendency to be a bit of a whiner during competitive games on variety shows or group fanmeeting games. 

우유 예나 (u-yu yena) - pale, refreshing, innocent - akin to the purity of a child.

yememe - in reference to yerim being a perpetual meme and her facial expressions being exceptionally reaction pic/gif-able and prime real estate for messy stan twitter layouts.

INSPIRATION: she was inspired to become an idol after watching olympus’s comeback stage for “be mine” - it was her first real brush with an idol group and she’s looked up to them ever since. other inspirations include singers like whitney houston and carole king, and actresses like uee and lily collins. SPECIAL TALENTS:

reigning champion of the high pitch note battle (x, x) - variety hosts have tried and failed to dethrone her but she continues to wow audiences with her ability to hit notes beyond comprehension all while saying every word of the challenge. the fact that half the time she’s really just screaming is beyond the point. shut up.

improvisation - exceptionally useful on variety and a skill that yerim has picked up more recently, she’s able to successfully bounce off of sudden “skits” posed by hosts with an improved comedic timing - but has also shown that she’s grown leaps and bounds in terms of on-the-spot acting.

juggling - she learned how to juggle after watching the magical girl anime precure (pretty cure, for the uninitiated) and taking a shine to a character named joker who juggles in the smile season.

NOTABLE FACTS:

her first real experience with performing outside of church was through doing showcase performances with friends and covers and dances from popular japanese idol rhythm games on her now deleted youtube channel called yayajam.

yerim is the youngest of her cousins and has a fifteen year age gap between herself and the cousin closest to her age due to her mother being the youngest of her siblings and the one to wait the longest.

prior to being trained under msg, yerim was gearing up to major in film production at konkuk university with plans to later go into the film industry behind the scenes - as it stands, shortly following mayday’s second comeback in 2018, she earned a degree in business and production.

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

short-term, she wants to regain her footing after the shocking change of pace she’s experienced recently and focus on building her resume to grab attention for both herself and her group, so they can, hopefully, get their first win during their next comeback.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

she’s looking to move more fully into acting and follow in the footsteps of exemplars like bae suzy who were able to create a name for themselves through not only their efforts on stage but on the screen as well. somewhere down the line, years from now, she wouldn’t mind being able to work solely in the film industry and do music on the side, opposed to being a full-blown idol until the public gets tired of her.

IDOL IMAGE

yerim is compliant to a fault as a result of her strict religious upbringing under a firm-handed mother with a high standard of morality, a bit of a pushover, entirely too trusting of the people around her, she thinks the world of even those who don’t deserve it. despite this inherent timidity towards decisiveness against authority, she’s a bright and bubbly girl who just wants to make the world smile with her voice, her personality. she’s playful and naive, exudes a natural innocence that comes with her pointed lack of experience. it’s charming, the way it impacts her sense of humor, her lighthearted sass; funny, how jokes fly right over her head. she’s cute. there’s nothing forced about it and it’s that that msg is counting on: her natural aura, genuine, the feeling of fondness and protectiveness that this aspect of her elicits.

she’s simple in that she’s generally easy to get along with, to laugh with, to be around, to love. she’s got that trademark adorable easy-to-approach air about her but shines in the spotlight.

off stage, she’s painted as the girl-next-door, the childhood best friend, the little sister you’d sell your kidney for in a pinch. yerim’s pretty, radiant in the way you remember your first ever crush being when you were in school. she’s a social butterfly. her purity is captivating, youthful, and it has the potential to pull in a broad range of audiences if they play their cards right - people who want to preserve it, those on the other end of the spectrum who want to tear it back just to see what’s underneath, and those who resonate. that’s the fun in acting, being able to take their doll and see her dressed up the way they want to see her.

when she first enters under msg entertainment, she’s a shy and subdued little thing, humbled by a life hardly lived and the cruelty of kids who hate anything different. in her insecurity, she struggles to catch up with the other trainees who have the zeal and passion of years of working toward a common goal under their belts, only standing out with any significance during performances, speaking when spoken to, singing her heart out the way she’d always dreamed of doing and smiling a smile that dimples her cheeks. it’s a side effect of being muffled under the arm of her mother for the majority of her youth but there’s a charm that she’s picked up from cosplaying, a knowingness that helps her play the part of someone to be admired, and, with the help of the company, she learns how to harvest it.

she improves.

it takes time and money but she learns how to fake it until it’s real, until she stops hiding behind the other girls and forces herself into the forefront of the minds of her coaches. “yerim,” is said with a hum of recognition. yerim is noticed. yerim is indispensable, can bring a smile to any face. yerim can shine.

she hadn’t planned on this part of things - the potential fame and recognition part, the part where she’d have to smile when she doesn’t feel like smiling and crack jokes on variety shows so she doesn’t look cold and unappreciative. she envies the people that this kind of thing comes natural to, grins and bears it through image training when management takes notice of her suffering. she learns to smile even when her limbs ache from hours of dancing and singing and all she wants to do is curl up in bed and sleep.

it’s a gradual change, a shift from being the shy, bashful one to reading as a girl who’s blossomed into herself over the course of her first year as a trainee, comfortable in her own skin and the growing attention as a potential member of a msg-owned girl group. a fire burns. they soften her hair and lighten her wardrobe - nothing is her own, not even her body, not even the pounds of healthy fat and muscles she sheds to be thinner like the girls who’ve succeeded. like a butterfly from a cocoon, when mayday debuts, new yerim rises. on stage, she lavishes in the moments where all eyes fall on her, where she gets to show off - the luxury of feeling the kind of greed that comes with performing without the guilt that had always followed suit. you have to be greedy to get by.

it could’ve been any of them, that got plucked out of the proverbial ashes and dusted off, polished into something that the masses of korea want to see. the industry is political. yerim is a tool and the it girl idols before her are the blueprint.

“but,” she wants to say. “i’m a singer.”

she sings her ass off on stage, she’s a main vocal - wants them to acknowledge that, that she’s talented and good and has worked hard to reach this point, to be a singer. she thinks about the fact that she left home for this, cut ties with her mother for this. she’s gotten so much better at dancing, feels vindicated in her role as a lead dancer because she’s worked for it, her performances get better every time.

she wants to remind them that she’s got a group, that they’re good, too, that there’s more to her than her image, that they make good music. “please love mayday a lot!” she makes sure to add during her solo schedules.

“so cute!” they say. she’s the apple heart girl, cute enough to slap her face on their brand, cute enough to cast as the quirky one in their webdrama. it’s shallow, the way they love her, the way they want her.

it doesn’t feel as good.

IDOL HISTORY

TW BRIEF PHYSICAL/VERBAL ABUSE

act i, scene i, the sun shines through the clouds

yerim comes out singing. not literally, of course, but that’s the way her mother’s always made it seem, like this was the only thing she could ever picture for her little girl - the same bright little girl who’d sit in her lap during church and sing at the top of her lungs to every hymn, knew the words to every bit of gospel, and jumped at the opportunity to join the youth choir when she was finally old enough to hold a microphone. she’s a tiny, frail little thing, smaller than the other kids, and it pains her mother to watch yerim so far away, to watch her shine without her light. it’s a beautiful sight, though, the way she shines, the way she makes her mother feel like she was born to do it. she smiles so hard on stage, she’s scared her little face will split in two.

yerim’s mother learns early on that her zeal is conditional, that she shines so brightly but that she’s scared of her own shadow. she’s got stage fright something awful - conditional, because she’s fine when she can see her mother in the crowd of judging faces, but she throws up all over her brand new dress the day she has to dance a ballet solo in front of her class.

she’s relieved, she thinks, that it’s not easy for her to do it alone.

she’s her only child, her little yerim, the product of a short-lived relationship but a miracle, nonetheless. chubby and introverted, careful and stuck to her mother’s hip. she’s all she’s got. she doesn’t know if she could ever stomach having to let her go. yerim cries.

“another opportunity will come, baby,” she tells her when she brushes her hair before bed that same evening, holds her close and hums. “you were meant to shine.”

it gets better when she starts participating in neighborhood plays as an attempt to branch out and get over her fear. she’s good.

her mother makes sure it doesn’t get to her head.

scene ii, they part.

the curtains rise to the rolling sound of drums and there she stands. there’s a television stage left and on the screen, there’s colors. they’re bright enough to blind her but still, she stares. there’s an awe in her expression, like she’s seeing for the very first time - hearing, too, the sound of music in another form. it’s different, this music, to the trot songs and olden spirituals her mama plays around the house.

it’s the first time ever she’s gone to a sleepover. she’s embarrassed that she doesn’t know the song, that the other girls do. her idea of fun on a friday night up until now has been watching historical dramas with her mom on the couch with a bowl of lightly salted popcorn between them, but, now, watching olympus’s comeback stage, she thinks she’s in love. her friends tell her to pick a favorite. she can’t decide, but she goes home the next morning and downloads ‘be mine’, listens to it when she gets ready for bed, so she’ll know the words, too.

it’s not a secret but her mother finds out when she catches her belting the song into her hairbrush after dinner, a printed out picture of the boys taped above her bed. (she’s decided she likes the main vocal’s part best.)

“who’re you listening to?” she asks, a hand against the doorframe.

“idols,” yerim replies, a new word added to her vocabulary. “don’t they sound cool?”

“don’t forget to pray.” her mother says.

interlude

the first and only time her mother hits her is when she comes out of her room with lip gloss on, some daiso mascara on her lashes and a cute shirt she’d borrowed from one of her friends. there’s nothing inappropriate about the look, just shorts and a shirt, stomach and thighs hidden like she’s been taught to keep them. she’s slimmed down, shed her baby fat and shows the beginnings of a figure. she’s thirteen and learning about makeup and self-expression from the now regular sleepovers she has with her school friends every weekend. they meet up and sing together, plan on putting together a cover performance for the back to school showcase after being inspired by heaven’s comeback. (touch my body, for god’s sake, she never sings it at home) her walls are plastered with idol posters now, bought with the money she picks up from babysitting the toddler who lives in the flat next door when his parents are out. she’s growing up, discovering herself, doesn’t see a thing wrong with it until her mother slaps her square across the face.

it stings something fierce, burns with a kind of betrayal she’s never felt before - ever. it’s the first time she feels truly afraid of her mother. it hurts more when she speaks, tells her to change because she looks like a trollop.

yerim changes. something changes with her. she prays.

2013.

her friend goes to an audition for msg. “come along,” she says, “it’ll be fun.” she says, but it feels like a set up somehow. it’s incredibly cliche, the way she doesn’t intend to audition, doesn’t even think about it, but winds up in front a panel of judges before she even realizes she’s there. she needs to be home by six. caught off guard, she sings olympus’s be mine with absolutely no expectations, grooves a bit to some generic pop music as a display of her grasp on rhythm, and makes a point to apologize to them for being unprepared. she squirms, smiles sheepishly and tries not seem as nervous as she is.

it’s cute. they like her. she doesn’t know how she’s going to tell her mom.

act ii,scene i hell freezes over

she tells her over dinner.

her mother’s mad, the way yerim knew she’d be. she tells her that when she thought of her becoming a singer, she’d always pictured someone classy and regaled like so hyang, maybe a traditional dancer, but this. this isn’t what she wants and she makes sure that yerim knows it when she signs the paperwork. things get cold after that, like it’s her mom’s attempt to ice her out, guilt her into calling it quits so she can pay the hefty fee for a month or two and they can go back to spending every night together, quiet and safe and holy.

it hurts her feelings but she pushes through, spends her time as a trainee doing the best she can, stays away from home as long as possible when the opportunities arise, but always comes back with her tail between her legs on the rare occasion she gets truly, properly scolded. she’s compliant when she can be, when it doesn’t speak against her soul.

it gets colder.

things reach a head when she’s old enough to be out on her own and her mother kicks her out. she doesn’t look at her when she does it, doesn’t say a word, but the way her things are neatly packed and waiting by the door when she gets home from training speak volumes. the bible on top of her suitcase while her mother sits in her usual spot in front of the television feels passive aggressive, hurts her feelings, but she leaves. she stays the night at one of her trainee friend’s apartments and never goes back.

her mother cries, feels like a failure, feels terribly alone. she doesn’t call.

it’s the first time yerim ever truly goes against the grain. hell freezes.

it’s too cold.

scene ii, let me entertain you

debut doesn’t feel the way she thought it would. it’s very clinical, the whole process.

she expects them to be received with open arms by the public but the scores during music shows speak volumes, their song does okay but it’s not enough. it’s a hum, barely even a clap of thunder, just a rumble. she’s happy anyway, like she always is, glad she gets to sing, but she holds out hope for a breakthrough.

and, well.

she doesn’t do it on purpose, the whole aegyo thing, it just happens during a fansign one day. she’s interacting with the fans that came, teasing them for their reminders for her to eat well when she goes to mime eating an apple to satiate them. it turns into a heart and she’s terribly delighted, does it again and tells them, tone cute and lovely, that their love keeps her full. it’s a few days spent without her giving it any thought, but one morning, she sees her face on pann and wonders what the fuss is about. weeks pass and she’s genuinely surprised to see other idols do it during interviews, finds herself searching for compilations on youtube and twitter and giggling in delight when she should be sleeping. it feels surreal but her company seems pleased.

she doesn’t realize what it really means until they start to really push her, booking her appearances on commercials, variety shows here and there to keep the public’s eyes on her - the mc’s always bring it up, the apple thing. they coo over her, laugh at her jokes, seem utterly charmed by her and it’s - different. it’s never about her singing. it’s a side effect of being a msg girl group member, cherry bomb!’s little sister, she assumes, knows full well that some other rookies aren’t half as lucky, privileged. the company tells her she’s being helpful.

it gets even different-er when months down the line, she’s offered a role in a webdrama.

they accept it without really even asking her but it’s fine, she guesses. she likes acting well enough. she doesn’t question their motives. it’s okay.

she’ll do what they want her to do. if it’ll help.