#like yes bby destroy the world with your bad decisions

[rinphoria]

i hope i’m the “devil on your shoulder” mutual

[missdawnandherdusk]

Life Update

It’s me, your humble author, here for a little update. 

My last fic seemed to hit hard with some of you, whether it was empathetic or sympathetic, I’ve seen your responses to it. And I know that some of you are concerned, and I love that I mean so much to you that you’re willing to reach out. It’s a sweet feeling that makes me smile and gives me an affirmation with each message. 

And right now, I really am trying to figure out how I feel about my recent breakup. I know that I don’t want to go back to him. And sifting through the memories brings back some more somber moments and somber thoughts, like the ones you read in Together in Paris. 

It’s been hard for me, yes. And maybe I can share some of it with you. Maybe writing it out will make me feel better, or feel something. I know I have a habit of going numb and avoiding things that might hurt me, but I think it’s time I open my heart up a bit, and I feel safe with you all. 

It’s true. He was supposed to be my happily ever after. He was my prince charming who came to save me from an awful home life, terrible mental health, and well, just about everything else. For a long time I believed that he was my forever. My Edward, my Wesley, my Winchester, my Chat Noir, my Captain America, my guardian angel, my soulmate. The little girl inside of me who craved being saved had found her savior and she loved him with all of her heart. There was no one who knew me better for a long time. Though every heartache he was there. When friends turned and walked out on me, when I had tough decisions to make, when I needed someone to lean on, he was there. He was my everything. 

And I gave up so many things. I compromised so many times just to keep him. Things that I’ll never get back. I never stole his sweatshirts because he didn’t own any. We never had a song, he rarely liked my taste in music. I never got flowers, or romantic dates. I had to plan them all, if I wanted it, I had to tell him. There was no dancing at prom, no claim of highschool sweethearts, no nights looking up at the stars. No cute photos at holidays. I lost all of the little things for the sake of a savior. 

And I think that’s what wore away at my heart the most. What could have been, what should have been, if he cared a little more. Words only got so far. “Of course I love you,” “I’ll try harder,” “I’m not good at this kinda stuff,” “I don’t care,” They were empty promises piled up on top of the promise of forever. 

And even though I was with him, I started to define myself, and I liked that he was apart of my definition, but he wasn’t the entire definition anymore. But that’s all I was to him. I was on a pedestal to him. And I wanted off, desperately. But he refused.  

 Everything he did, he claimed to do for me, then complained about how it drained him. He’d work non stop for money to go to school for me, then complain about his day or refuse to get proper sleep. And I’d tell him to sleep, to take care of himself, and he didn’t. He said he couldn’t. And it’s hard watching someone self destruct while you’re desperately telling them to get help, to listen, to do something different. Anything different. 

And that hurt. A lot. It hurt watching him cling to a shadow of me and say he loved me again and again and I couldn’t say it back. I couldn’t believe him anymore. He didn’t love me. He loved the idol. 

And he never listened. That’s what killed me. When we fought, when I tried to tell him where he was going wrong, when I tried to help him, he’d get mopey and “woe is me” and victimize himself to a point where I felt backed into a corner. Where I didn’t want to talk to him because he was only interested in hearing “I love you” or complaining to me. He didn’t want to know about my day. He didn’t care what music captured my heart. 

He never read my writing. 

Maybe once, he did a few years ago. But I can assure you that I’ve gotten “later” from him for about a year. A “later” that never came. And that hurt a lot. I pour my heart out into my writing. It’s a world that I can create and destroy if I want to and I love my worlds, I love my writings, and he never read them. He never cared. He made excuses. And he was also manipulative with it because one of the only writings that he read of mine from this blog is my ace headcanon list, then proceeded to yell at me and gaslight me for writing it making me feel bad because he had reacted wrong and golly gee I’m Mad and Hurt So after a while, I just stopped trying.

And it was sad, because he never noticed that I stopped trying. He probably thought that I was being complaint. Another compromise. 

And I came to the realization that I didn’t want to share my life with him because he didn’t want to be in my life. He wanted my love and affection and the security that I offered. 

He knew it was wrong. He told me he knew. Again and again he said he’d change. He’d get better, he’d keep trying. And trying. And... not trying. He never changed. He never kept that promise. 

And that kills me too. 

I wrote “there are songs about the ones who got away, but they never ask her why she left, do they?” 

This is why I had to leave.

Because I’m not a fighter. I’m a pacifist. I’ll go in peace without a word. Without an argument. A clean break. I can go and never tell my side of the story. I’m okay with rumors about me because I know who I am on the inside. And I’ve worked damn hard for that and I’m proud of it. 

But no one knows any of this. And he’ll never see this because he’ll try to turn it back on me. 

So, I’ve made a clean break for it. I’ve blocked him on social media and on here. I don’t want to try to fit him into my life anymore because it was exhausting. And I never knew how tired it made me until he was gone. 

So yes, it hurts. It hurts because I thought I had found my everything. I was convinced that I had, and he let me down. He let me down and he refused to accept that and he refused to ever let me believe that. It hurts because I gave up so many things for him and now I can never get them back. And that hurts. It really does. 

And right now, I have to disassociate him from my series, because those are the stories of us. And they’re supposed to have happy endings and a man who stays and changes for the better but I have no idea how to write that now, because it didn’t happen to me. So please, don’t expect me to figure out how to finish those series because I have no idea what to do now. I’m scared and alone without a prince charming for the first time in my life and writing career and it’s terrifying. And I know you all love them, I do, but I can’t do it. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to give you a happily ever after because my was torn from me by the one who promised it to me. 

And that hurts the most. 

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[ikiruwill]

ok, but what does shinji actually think of his eva? personally, but also aesthetically

OHH omg?? 😭 thank you for asking this, amazing surprise!! mhajsjsj I ended up writing something verrrry long bc my brain kept throwing info at me, so now this a meta I guess rip

For Shinji’s personal thoughts / relationship with Unit-01, there’s extra long detail mainly of Ep1 bc of first impressions / context ( then I’ll try to summarize ). Insight into some tiny details like Shinji’s unspoken thoughts that were maybe missed:

Shinji’s early and personal impressions of Unit-01 is mostly fear if we’re summing things up. The very first scene with it is even a jump scare to emphasize that:

The frame is black, and then after the lights turn on, boom, this:

A GIANT FACE WITH MONSTER EYES THAT GLOW YES I AM LOOKING DIRECTLY AT YOU NOW SON ( with bby framed right in the middle so you know how tiny he is in comparison / and narratively, that he’s also the subject of focus )

.... can confirm scare. Plz no

Much fear. But even before this scene, it’s great to remember that Shinji is already terrified bc he saw Fourth Angel-kun AKA Sachiel wrecking havoc outside, understandably freaked out by its monster appearance / how it was shooting down military planes like they were pieces of paper. Shinji was also directly caught in that earlier crossfire and legit could’ve died just bc everything happening was too close for comfort until Misato finally shows up in her car to pick him up. Best uber But after that they get caught in a huge N2 mine explosion that hits Sachiel dead on but it comes out with barely a scratch / casually just regrows a head or something. Sachiel seems invincible to Shinji by this point and that fact already scares him— as it should.

But back to the Unit-01 scene: as far as Shinji can remember, he’s never seen an Eva or heard of one and he lets everyone know this once Gendo starts pressuring him to pilot it and do the thing to save the world right now plz or else everyone in city dead including Shinji-kun gg

Ofc to Shinji, it’s not a good feeling at all, he’s running through all the sudden facts : Unit-01 is manmade, looks powerful, and it’s supposed to protect us. It isn’t an Angel destroying the city and nonchalantly killing things of military force so there’s no need to hide and run from it— but it’s still alien to me and scary and now my impression of it is even worse because my estranged father and adult strangers are forcing me to get comfortable with it immediately to fight the ‘Angel’ I saw earlier. So I might die after all today.

Fear of death on top of feeling useless / cowardly / abandoned etc is a lot. Then injured Rei scene AKA Gendo’s master guilt tripping plan happens, and it works, but this is also where his impression of Unit-01 changes for the better : There’s a huge tremor, Rei falls off her stretcher, and giant debris is coming down from the ceiling right above her Shinji—

Unit-01 moves on its own does a giant good thing

So this part : It saved him? This robot that he’s only had bad feelings about so far? Shinji is confused af but now feels a strangely positive connection to Unit-01, one he probably can’t put into words, but it ultimately influences his decision on not to run away. bc now it finally feels like there’ll be at least something on his side if he agrees to do this— AKA Unit-01 is the literal “something that can protect / help him”, which we all know is a concept Shinji desperately wants and chases. In this terrifying mess, it’s encouraging to him. And then Shinji says the thing:

Brave bby ( it’s nice to know that he ends up saving Rei again a few eps later, shamelessly serious and gallant / heroic Shinji is underrated don’t @ me )

Fast forward : after that he gets in, syncs perfectly with it, fights Sachiel but almost dies bc he missteps once, starts to panic, but mainly bc he’s never had any proper training prior gg NERV. Unit-01 goes berserk, violently kicks Sachiel’s ass, scares the living hell out of everyone watching etc.

At the end of Ep 2, after Shinji wakes up in the hospital and moves in with Misato, he remembers everything that night, traumatized:

The blood has settled, an already freaked out Shinji turns to see Unit-01 without its cool sci-fi unicorn headplate thing that it shed earlier in battle:

Oh.

Oh.

It’s once again looking straight at him. Oh no this is much scarier than the first time plz no I want the yellow sci-fi Spiderman mask eyes back

Then Shinji understandably screams his lungs out ( and that’s when he probably fell unconscious? ) So now he’s back to fearing Unit-01 bc his Eva is a beast of a robot, on top of now having PTSD from the fight with Sachiel. Unit-01 protected Shinji twice now by going berserk, sure, but it’s also extremely unknown and frightening to him after in ways he couldn’t have expected when he first saw it— the primal kind of fear. ( side note: Primal fear, primal wants, and primal feelings, primal anything in general are a big thematic thing in nge, so it really lingers and comes back even harder in eoe )

Finally for the rest of his personal thoughts on Unit-01, badly summarized bc this is already 2 fucking long thank you to whoever’s still reading LMAOO: Shinji eventually gets used to piloting and tries to push the existential fear of his Eva to the back of his mind, mostly. He always wonders what it is exactly, once admitting that he really doesn’t know anything about Evas while peering into his NERV manual episodes later ( bc NERV is weird about everything and he’s too scared anyone ask past a certain point, ect ). Shinji thinks his Eva smells / feels weirdly calming to him inside despite being scary, but only when his life isn’t in violent danger. Things only suck whenever Unit-01 goes berserk / he loses control somehow / when he finds out certain truths about it. Youknow

On his opinions about Unit-01 aesthetically, I don’t think Shinji has any preferences that make him go ‘YES I totally vibe with this neon genesis green and purple it’s so me’ or anything, he’s just not caught up in the awesome looking giant robot idea at all ( Unlike Kensuke and Asuka ). For example his reaction was just ‘huh? oh... ok. I see?’ at Asuka when they first met when she was showing off shiny and red Unit-02 to him ( which is cool and cooler with a cape ). If you tell Shinji his giant robot is awesome and that you’re in love with the purple paint job, other than demurely acknowledge your praise, he might try to thank you surface level, very awkwardly bc he can’t take credit for that ( also will 1000/10 think that you remind him of Kensuke depending on who’s more intense LOL )

Confused and serious, I guess that’s Shinji’s attitude towards Evas in general ( minus when he’s not freaking out mhajsja ) and it fits the rest of his mild / boring / unassuming personality— like Kaji and Kaworu both said to his face, he can be clueless about his own position as a pilot and how it affects everyone around him. Like the random girls in his class, lots of people think Shinji’s cool for what he gets to do but to him it’s just a thing he has to do, for the most part.

On a sadder note, makes sense bc the only time we see Shinji enjoying something as a hobby is when he’s playing the cello and smiling, even then he just downplays his talent when asked. I think he would be a lot more passionate about music if his circumstances were better. That probably contributes to why he doesn’t care much about Evas in an aesthetic way either. But I think eventually, he’d come to prefer his own Eva just because of how familiar it would look and feel to him, plus his past experiences with it. Many ones.

Unrelated bonus note!! It’s interesting that Unit-01 is the only Eva with a completely different colour scheme when compared to its respective pilot’s plugsuit— in this case, Shinji’s plugsuit being blue and white instead ( as a side note Unit-13 is also purple and green but Shinji and Kaworu’s plugsuits match this time ) But why purple huh? My guess is that aside from wanting the main character’s giant robot to also stand out bc it’s special and awesome, Yui also wears a purple shirt in one of the later episodes showing a long flashback. That screencap stuck with me, idk why. Purple shirt confirmed in nge holy shit mind blown LOL jk in all seriousness we can only speculate. Maybe Yui’s fav colour was purple and Gendo decided to pay tribute to that when they made the Evas. Whatever headcanon hurts us more!

[sabinefm]

( bruna marquezine , cis female , peach ) welcome to aida&stefano , SABINA REUBE ! thank you for choosing to stay here. in this form it says that you go by the SHE / HER , you’re TWENTY THREE years old , you’re originally from SAN FRANCISCO , and you’ve been staying here for ONE YEAR . it also says you’re known to be + RESOURCEFUL , but also - SELFISH. that really shouldn’t be a problem though. check in at the front , hope you enjoy your stay ! (the click of heels, hot sand under your bare feet, chocolate covered strawberries, the imprints a bra leaves on your skin, red lipstick staining your fingertips )

ABOUT THE MUN.  i hope this email never finds you 

hello all, my name is pepper and i have never been on time for anything, ever in my life sdjkdskj this is especially true today, rip. no but honestly, i never thought i would actually get accepted into this beautiful rp so i stalled checking acceptances cause i’m a Scaredy Cat and that made me really late, and then i ended up taking the rest of my coworker’s shift cause she had to go and thus ended up coming home even later than i thought which has made me really really late... BUT against all the odds i’m here! and ready to party! and tell y’all about my bby sabina! but first a little bit about me, i am twenty four (ew), i can’t cook (rip), and i currently spend most of my lonely quarantine days either watching anime or scrolling through tiktok. i am canadian but every canadian that meets me thinks i’m american and i don’t know why. when i was a child i had an irrational (or yk very rational) fear of sharkboy from sharkboy and lava girl, and tbh it has never left me. i was also afraid of gill from kim possible so you can imagine my horror when that fish f*cking movie won an oscar?? when i was younger i also thot god looked like king triton from the little mermaid cause he was white and he had a beard yk. it fit in my little brain. and finally i just recently discovered girl in red and therefore feel like i finally got my bi girl card,,, feeling validated in this chillis tonight. and if that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about me idk what will. anyways, that’s officially enough about me onto who we’re all really here for, ms sabine!

BIO.  the lengths i would go to to both get attention and avoid it... astounding  tldr ; daughter of a guy who created a dating site + app, came to a&s after leaving her husband to be at the alter after catching him cheating with her mother, wants to be a bad bitch, sometimes succeeds. 

THEN.

sabina came into the world the child of a mediocre stay at home mom and a penniless entrepreneur so it goes without saying that she had very little. her dad had a lot of passion and a lot of drive but no one would really give him a chance, and her mother kind of only married the man because she was expecting him to make it big enough for her to never have to work another day in her life so? yeah she was hella disappointed tbh 

but not sabina! she looked up to her father so much as a child. while her mom was kind of ~emotionally unavailable~ her father was too, but like at least he had a dream he believed in, yk? he wanted to help people fall in love and sabine being the big romantic she was as a child had never heard of anything so noble. her daddy was her hero. sabina honestly had big daddy’s little girl vibes until she was like 22 tkjsdkjd

one day when their family credit card got rejected one too many times sabina’s mother called it quits on yk the whole mother gig. she left sabina on a bench outside of the grocery store while she went to go home and ‘get some cash’ which even at seven sabine knew was a damn lie cause they were too broke to have any damn cash. and yeah that was the last sabina heard of her for a long ass time. it was a reverse ‘dad went to get some cigarettes’ situation but just as traumatic honestly. 

although not as much for sabine’s dad. that man literally saw his wife leaving him as a minor setback and moved on. he threw himself harder into his work, to the point where sabine barely saw him. this was the start of sabine desperately trying to compete with her father’s business for even a sliver of his attention. this was a battle she usually lost. 

sabine raised herself for a while there, since her father yk remarried his job and her mother was following the jonas brother’s cross country. she became both very independent and very lonely for a child, which was an odd combination that both haunted sabine for pretty much the rest of her life after that point and lead her to make most of her worst decisions. but that’s a story for another time, because right when all hope was lost sabine’s father won the lottery. literally. 

all at once they were five million dollars richer. they went from nothing to everything real quick. and this marked a change in the reube’s lives in a way sabine couldn’t have even imagine at the time. 

sabine’s father hector used the money to fund his business and that shit blew up! he created a site by the name of loveisblind that was in the ring with the likes of match.com and christianmingle yk, one of those dating sites. everyone on loveisblind is set up on blind dates based on the information they fill out on their profile and are only allowed to see each other when they reach a certain point of emotional intimacy. the site had wild success rates, and got very popular, blah, blah, the point was the reubes? suddenly rich af!

and you think that would give hector more time to spend with his daughter right? no. it gave hector the money to hire nannies for his daughter. 

yes, somehow despite hector no longer having to work himself to the bone, sabine saw him even less. tragic really. she really became that lonely rich girl trope real quick, and this is what unfortunately got sabine into the habit of seeking the attention she wasn’t getting from her father in other men and women, which she is not proud of. 

that unfortunately didn’t fill the void that sabine had but you know what did? making the loveisblind app so her daddy would love her. basically around the time that tinder started gaining traction and getting popular, people stopped going on the loveisblind site and started instead turning to apps. her father was trying and failing to get into that market, and sabina, being yk, actually a lot more intelligent than her father ever gave her credit for, created the app for his site and pitched it to him over his lunch one day. it was honestly one of the first times sabina can remember her father really paying attention to her in the longest time. it was also the proudest she’s ever seen him. 

the app was a big success! a whole new generation was using it and finding love, including one ms sabine reube. in the early days of the app launch sabine met her prince charming, christopher ‘kit’ johannson. he swept her right off her feet, and she fell HARD, and when they debuted their relationship it wasn’t long until they kind of became the face of the app?? like sabine’s father was the creator after all, the fact that his daughter found love on the app too was big news for a while. people followed their relationship and strived for something like that for themselves. sabine didn’t know it at the time but they were basically a walking advertisement, and her father was LIVING for that.

fast forward a bit and your girl went to yale for computer engineering and business (did her daddy’s status and money ease the way? maybe man, nepotism am i right) whilst kit went to harvard, they were long distance for a bit before they graduated and kit very publicly proposed (the whole thing was well recorded too, gotta get that gram), and then both sab and kit moved in together and both started working for their families respective companies. it was around then that sabine started to understand just how much and how often kit was cheating on her. it was a real wakeup call. 

sabine ended up breaking down to her father about her suspicions, and he basically ended up telling her to suck it up and think of the business. the fact was sabine and kit, the face of their new generation and one of the first successful couples from the app getting married and living happily ever after was amazing for the company. and the two of them calling the whole thing off just because of a little infidelity just wasn’t going to cut it. 

now once again, this is where sabine’s deep desire to be loved and accepted really bites her in the ass. this was one of the first times sabine’s father had ever really asked her for anything so... she did it. or at least she did her best to do it. she lasted until the wedding day around the time where she caught kit and her own mother (who she only invited out of a deep rooted need to actually know the woman who gave birth to her again) going at it in the coat closet of their wedding venue. yeah, at that point sabine pretty much snapped, blacked out, smashed a whole wedding cake over kit’s head, and took their honeymoon to venice on her own. she arrived at Aida&Stefano with running mascara in a ruined wedding dress trying to ask about a honeymoon suite. it was a whole mess, but you know what so is sab so at least she was on brand. 

NOW.

after sabina arrived she spent about a week mourning her failed almost-marriage and yk, destroyed family before she decided to fuck it all and reinvent herself. she desperately wanted to become someone new, someone unrecognizable from who she was before, even if it was only on the inside. so she cut her hair (the first step to every transformation) hardened everything soft about herself and made the irrevocable decision to become a bad bitch. she (mostly) succeeded. kind of. 

sabine basically curb stomped out the soft, hopeless romantic people pleaser in her and decided to become someone more unsympathetic. someone who puts her own needs first instead of burning herself up to keep others warm (cause what good has that ever done her before?). someone who people would be afraid to hurt but who wouldn’t even feel pain anyways. and to sum it up that person is a heartless bitch. or at least she tries to be.

i’m gonna stop here because this is already a lot longer than i wanted it to be and i haven’t even got to the other sections yet rip but you get the point i feel

PERSONALITY.  *feels nothing* mmm, don’t like that *feels something but like too much* mmm not a fan of that either 

most of this is tbd because i’m still developing her but

VAIN. the kind of girl who will file her nails or check herself out in the mirror while you’re talking to her. will reapply her lipstick in the rearview mirror of her car while she’s driving. checks herself out in any reflective surface, i mean i would too if i looked like bruna but Still 

KIND. even though sab tries to be a hard ass she’s probably the most loyal, generous, kind person you would ever meet deep down. like she puts on this persona of being heartless, but if anyone needs her she will be there for them. kind of hates that she’s such a softie sometimes but she can’t help it. 

EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE. doesn’t want to be hurt again and will do pretty much anything to avoid that. tries to keep people at arms length especially romantically. loves making friends though, and will indeed spoil them. 

HEADCANNONS.  who wants to hire me as their maid i’m not gonna clean im just gonna wear a cute maid outfit dust like 6 things and bend down a lot

has the vibes of that drunk rich aunt that’s always smoking like sexily as she looks far into the distance and wears like a super luxurious coat. will gossip with you. will buy you things your mom won’t. will cuss out your toxic father at the dinner table. that’s her energy.

unfortunately actually does smoke. i hate 

okay fun fact, the only reason sabine went to university for computer programming and business was because she felt her father wanted her to. she honestly has no real passion for the subject and just wanted to use her talent to make her father as proud of her as he was on the day she debuted that app to him. but now that making daddy proud isn’t like the only thing occupying her entire brain sabine like is like ??? wait what do i actually want to do with my life ??? and it took her a while to figure it out but after a while she fell back on one of her passions, art. she’s actually making a graphic novel aimed towards young adults about a modern day hades and persephone vibe, kind of about a girl who falls in love with the grim reaper and the lengths she goes to to chase after her (yes it is a Lady Reaper) into the depths of hell,,, it’s wild. she’s very proud of it but also kind of shy about it tbh. her go to critic is georgio, because she knows that little shit will be honest and yk what she respects that. 

but when it comes to making actual money your girl turns to cam work most of the time, because well. at the very least it’s quick, easy, and semi discreet. and sometimes she gets something out of it too. she figures it’s a win win, and she’s been doing it for about a year now, mostly because she absolutely refuses to use any of her father’s money. 

is allergic to cucumber. 

has a different 'relationship’ like every week or so, along with a few one night stands peppered in. unfortunately still attracted to people who are bad for her (kit for example was an asshole and a cheater and DEFINITELY conservative like she messed up on that one), but is also very afraid of falling in love again and letting herself get hurt, so she normally doesn’t let things last too long before she starts self sabotaging. 

if you ever catch sabine with like... her nails growing out or her nail polish chipped, something is wrong. like something is deeply wrong. sabine will have her nails done in the middle of the apocalypse, the only reason they would be less than perfect is if she is having a breakdown. always has colour on her nails, and usually it’s a shade of red, purple, or black. 

always has wild ass stories to tell about her tinder dates or one night stands and will tell them without shame for your entertainment. is a great storyteller honestly, a talent she got from her mother but she doesn’t want to admit that. 

fun fact, her mother mariah was PISSED when hector got rich AFTER she left him and tried for years to sue him or something but no dice. she was so angry and vengeful over the whole thing that she took the opportunity of being invited to her daughters wedding to get back at her husband where it hurt, his business. thus sleeping with kit. didn’t really think about how her daughter might feel about the whole thing because she was yk blinded by rage, but that’s just how mariah is so i mean,,, rip sabina. 

shops when she’s sad, or happy, or angry, or confused sdkjdsj will use any excuse to shop, and at this point she has more clothes than she knows what to do with. her style can be kind of out there at times, but she will let you borrow things though. 

she has a cat named momo. yes that is inspired by her being the peach skeleton. also has a parrot named poe i think. i also have the urge to give her a snake but... i will resist. so sabine wants a snake for sure 

her favourite colours are black and red

she is a horrible terrible driver. don’t drive with sabine unless you’re an adrenaline junkie or like want to die tbh 

her dad 100% set up the relationship between kit and sabine as a pr stunt, but sabine doesn’t know that yet and when she finds out her father used her like that ooh boy things are gonna get wildt. as it is now sabine just thinks she disappointed him and it’s kind of eating her alive. half the reason she’s staying here is because she doesn’t want to face him or yk her old life anymore. her father is so caught up in the shame she caused him that he hasn’t even tried to call her after the whole thing and the one time sabine got hella drunk and called him all he did was tell her what a disappointment she was and ask when she was coming back to work so we love ~parenting~

WANTED CONNECTIONS. girls will “🥺🥺🥺🥺” their way out of everything

close friends please and thanks, best friends also please, uh, can i get some awkward one night stands that avoid each other at all cost, can i get a neighbour who’s ear sabine is always talking off in the hallway between their rooms even tho they just want to go home but can’t because sabine is Oversharing, maybe a flirtationship, but also i would love an enemy (it could be for a ridiculous reason or a completely valid reason but either way please give it to me), someone she goes out dancing/partying with at piccolo, a sibling like relationship, a confidante, someone who she trusts to read her comic and maybe even do some linework, and absolutely anything else okay my brain is fried rn but i want it all! please like this and i will slip and slide into your dms <3

[mirkwoodshewolf]

Protective Taylor; Roger Taylor x reader

*Author’s note*

Hello all okay this is ready to go. In honor of Ben Hardy’s birthday I have my first solo story of Roger Taylor as a part of my Rock Angel series. So in this fic you will get a lot of Roger Taylor vibes and feels so I hope for any RT fangirls out there you all are satisfied at the fluffiness I have for you. Happy birthday Ben Hardy and we your fans hope you had a good one :)

Warnings: Fluff, Roger taylor gifs, swearing, Paul Prenter (Yes HE IS A WARNING YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!), angst, family death and disownment, so if any of these trigger you I apologize. 

Taglist *open*:

@onebigfangirlworld

@phantom-fangirl-stuff

@mr-badguymercury

@starswin

@labessieisallama

@naturalswifty89

@isabella-bby

________________________________________________________

*October 8th, 1980*

I was currently doing some work checking out the sound levels of one of the guys recent song.  Doing some mixing and then I would show it to Freddie later to see if he liked it.  So I had the headphones on so I was deaf to the world at the moment.  As I listened to the song, I felt something poke my arm so I turned around and saw no one there.

I shrugged and went back to listening to the song thinking it must be a ghost touch or something.  Suddenly I felt someone tickle my waist I let out a shriek and immediately turned around to see no one.  I removed the headphones and tried to hear footsteps, heavy breathing, laughing anything.  Then out of nowhere Roger jumped out and cried out.

“BOO!!” Which made me scream and hold my hand to my heart.  Of course he laughed and for some reason I was laughing as well and I said.

“Rog I hate it when you do that!”

“Aww come on love, it was a bit of fun.” He said as he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.  His head leaning down on top of mine as he gave it a kiss.

“What do you want Roger?”

“What can’t I visit the best intern we’ve ever had for no reason whatsoever?” I looked up at him and raised my brow.  He always had a reason behind his private visits with me.  “Okay, okay you caught me. I came to ask you to take a break with me. You’ve been working so hard this entire month since you’ve been here with us. Between us, your school work and whatever Jim has you do, rarely do we see you ever take a real break. And it worries me that you work yourself so hard love.”

Ever since that day I had made him the right 1 and 3/7th cup of sugar coffee on my own, Roger Taylor has always stuck to me like glue.  Out of the four members of Queen, he’s the one whose always asking me about my well being and making sure that I’m taking care of myself.

He’s also probably the most protective with me when it comes to the guys.  Oh and don’t even get me started on the day when I was forced by Freddie to confess whether or not I had a boyfriend and when I answered yes, Roger’s ears perked up and he demanded to know everything about Adam, even more so than the others.

And on days where Adam and I have our strained days, he’s the first one to answer the call with not only threats to Adam, but kisses, cuddles and warm hugs for me.  

The two of us just shared that special bond with each other, and it’s nice to be able to see a side of Roger that hardly anyone got to see.

“Well I don’t want to seem lazy to anyone else if I take too long of breaks.”

“But you’re not, you’re a hard worker. Hell Deacy even told us of how you worked yourself so hard the other week, that he caught you actually asleep here in the studio with papers scattered everywhere.” He proclaimed.  I sighed softly and he said giving me the best pair of puppy dog eyes as he leaned down across my shoulder. “C’mon love, just one little break, please?”

“Rog I can’t, I’ve gotta get this ready before Fred comes in and….” He interrupted me with a sad whimper.  

Oh no he was upping up the puppy dog act. Along with his puppy dog face, he knows I can’t resist when he does a puppy dog whimper too.  First time he ever did the whimper, I literally called him out on it because he sounded just like a real puppy.  I then felt his nose touch my cheek as he kept whimpering which made me smile.

“Alright, alright you win, I’ll take a break.” He then pecked my cheek and said.

“Thank you.” He let me go and leapt right into the couch and lounged out against it with his arms spread out on either side and his feet up along the table.  He patted the spot closest to him telling me to take a seat. “But just for seven minutes, then I’ve got to get back to work.”

“Make it 18.” He bargained. I shook my head rejecting the offer. “15 then.”

“8”

“12.”

“9.”

“10 and that’s as low as I’ll go.” He finalized. I walked over to him and sat down beside him and told him.

“Roger Taylor, you’ve got yourself a deal.” He grinned down at me and wrapped his right arm around me and kissed my forehead bringing my head to rest on his chest.

As we continued on with our break, I was now sitting on the couch while Roger had his head on my lap and he said.

“Okay, there’s a nuclear holocaust. All records are destroyed except for two. My record for ‘I’m in love with my car’ or David Bowie’s Aladdin Sane. Which do you pick?”

“Oh Bowie hands down.” I pointed out bluntly. At that point Roger’s face dropped.

“Seriously? You didn’t even think about it?”

“I’m sorry Rog but I would honestly pick Bowie over that song.”

“Why?!”

“I mean…..you’ve got to admit that song is a little weird.”

“It’s a metaphor (y/n)!” he snapped. I chuckled and said as I stroked through Roger’s hair.

“I’m sorry sweetie but that’s my final decision and nothing can change that.” He glared up at me before he sighed heavily and said in a strangely calm tone.

“Alright fine, I gave you a chance to change, but you leave me no choice.”

“No choice for what?” I asked getting nervous.

“For this!” His arms then shot up and he began to tickle me.  I squirmed and tried to get away but he soon had me pinned down to the couch still tickling around my sides and stomach.  “Say you’ll pick I’m in love with my car and I’ll stop.”

“Seriously Rog….Ahhh stop ihiiht!”

“Say it love, that’s the only thing that will get me to stop.” I tried to push his hands away from my stomach but they wouldn’t budge and that’s when we both heard a voice say.

“(Y/n). (Y/n)!” Roger ceased his tickle attack and we both looked up and I had to hold back a groan because there stood Paul Prenter.

Paul.  This guys really gives me a bad vibe and he’s been nothing but demanding of me ever since day one.  Out of all the hard work I do, half the reason why I stay late is because of him. Because of all the stuff he has me do that Jim never told me to do when he gives me a schedule if he’s too busy.

“Shouldn’t you be getting back to work getting the song ready for Freddie?”

“She’ll work on it once she’s through with her break Prenter.” Roger snapped.

“Freddie will be here in five minutes and if he sees his song isn’t ready—”

“Unless you’re a member of the band or Miami you don’t get to tell her what to do Prenter! Now why don’t you crawl back into the hole you slithered out of you snake!”

“Rog enough!” I said as I touched his shoulder. He looked down at me and I got up from under him and said, “My 10 minute break passed 7 minutes ago, I really should get back to work.” As I stood up, I felt Roger take my hand and he said.

“Meet me in the rec room for a snack in an hour?” I smiled, knowing that I haven’t really had the chance to eat anything since lunch he wanted me to meet him for a snack in the rec room, our usual meeting place whenever it was snack time.

“One hour.” I repeated. He stood up and said.

“That’s my best girl.” He pecked my cheek before turning and glaring at Paul before finally leaving the recording booth.

I walked back up to the controls and grabbed the headphones sitting by them as Paul said to me.

“You’ve been nothing but a distraction to them, they don’t really care about you, you know? They just want you for what you can do for them. To them, you’re just an intern.”

“Paul would you kindly remove yourself from my work station just the mere sight of you is lowing any creativity on this whole street.” I stated bluntly as I placed the headphones over my ears and played the song back.  I felt one of the headphones be pulled away and his voice sneered in my ear.

“Just remember your place love, one false move or even a scandal you might cause toward the band, and you’re fired.” With that I heard him leave the booth leaving me trying so hard to stay strong but tears formed in my eyes and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

A few days later it was pouring down rain as it usually does in London most days.  But today the rain just seemed to pour like cats and dogs, I raced out of the bus and raced down the street towards the building as I was late because my professor decided to have us stay later after class because he had come in late due to this weather.

As I entered inside I shook out my umbrella and I took off my raincoat and said.

“Sorry I’m late, my professor thought it would be a good idea to keep us the full time from the moment he came in. Plus the traffic in this weather was crazy.”

“No trouble (y/n), here’s what needs to be done today.” Jim said as he handed me my schedule for today.  “Now I’ve got a meeting with the board so I’ll be swamped once again, so do you mind keeping an eye on the boys?”

“You can count on me Miami.” He grinned at me and then he walked off while I looked down at the list.  Along with getting some files shipped off and records to deliver, most of it my time for 8hrs today contained of just keeping an eye on the boys as they finished up their album.  I picked up my bag and headed on up to the recording booth, and once I reached it I was immediately embraced by Roger.

“Are you alright love, why were you so late today? You didn’t get into an accident did you?” He looked at me with pure worry in his blue eyes and he spoke so fast I barely understood him.

“Whoa, whoa Rog calm down I’m fine, see I’m fine. My professor ran late at 15 minutes but just before my class almost called it quits he came in and he kept us for the full normal class time just to catch up. And of course traffic was horrible due to this storm, but look at me see? I’m fine.” I took his palm and placed a kiss on it and placed it over his chest. “I’m alright.”  He then embraced me tightly and he said.

“I don’t want you leaving my side for the rest of the day, got it?”

“Rog, please stop acting like a hysterical Queen, that’s Freddie’s job.” I pleaded out before speaking in a normal, blunt tone for my final statement.

“She’s right Rog, now get in here darling and let’s start recording. Our little angel is safe and sound and she won’t leave us until the end of her day, right dear?”

“Righty-o Freddie-o.” I saluted.  Roger looked down at me and he kissed my forehead and I playfully shoved him towards the boys and sat down at my little desk and began logging in my stuff as well as organizing the files that need to be mailed out later today.

As the day went on, I was standing with Rog going over his recent recording for a song.  I listened to it and the both of us could tell it wasn’t up to par quite yet.

“See no matter how many times I do it, it still doesn’t sound right.”

“Hmm, how about instead of boom, ba-dump, you make it boom….da-dat! Speed it up a bit more and give it that more rock and roll feel?”

“I’ll try it.” I rewind the tape as Rog got back into the booth and twirled his drumsticks and I pressed the button and I said.

“Okay Rog from the top.” I pressed record and the song began to play.  Roger did just as I said and this time I felt goosebumps trail up my arms and a shiver ran up my spine as Roger began to go wild with the drums after the introduction giving it a real feel-good beat. I spun around and said.

“Oh I love it!”

“You like that?”

“Come have a listen!” I said as I pressed the button down so that he could hear me.  He then came out of the recording booth as I rewind the playback. Rog came up and removed his sunglasses and said as he leaned up against the ledge of the controls,

“How was that?” I merely pressed play and had Roger listened to the tape and I smiled at him as the two of us mimicked the drumbeats.  I stopped the recording and I said.

“I loved it, and I can guarantee that Fred will too.”

“Great!”

“(Y/n),” I groaned internally as we both turned around and Paul was standing there.

“What the hell do you want Prenter, I’m working with her on something!” Roger snapped.

“I just wanted to come and tell you that I got in touch with your aunt. Apparently she sounded enraged at finding out that you took the internship. So much so that she disowned you from the family, isn’t that right?”

My body tensed up.

How the hell did he know how to get in contact with my aunt and uncle? How did he find my contact information?

“You had no right to contact her family without her permission!” Roger yelled at him.

“Actually it was the mere fact that you even pursued music as a college career choice is what forced your aunt and uncle to kicking you out of the only home you’ve ever known after your parents died, what was it? A car crash?” I didn’t want to hear Paul say anymore of what I tried to keep away from the boys.

I could hear Roger cry out my name as I ran past John, Brian and Freddie who were coming in.  With no regards to anyone that I was probably bumping into, all I knew was that I just had to get out of the building and as far away as I could.

*Roger’s POV*

“Someone want to tell us what’s going on?” I heard Brian say.  All I saw at this point was rage as I turned towards Prenter and stomped towards him and slugged him hard.  I would’ve beat the shit out of him too had it not been for Brian and Deacy pulling me away from him and Freddie helping Prenter stand up.

“Roger stop! Enough, enough, stop it!” I was held back as I kept struggling wanting nothing more than to see Prenter buried 6ft under.

“HE WENT OFF AND STARTED TELLING PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT (Y/N) THAT NEVER SHOULD’VE BEEN SAID!!” I cried out.

“Paul, is this true?” Freddie asked.  Paul wiped the stray blood off his nose and he said.

“Freddie I honestly have no idea what he’s talking about. All I was going to ask of (y/n) were those files that needed to be mailed out. But out of nowhere she just started crying and ran out.”

“That’s a load of bullshit and you know it!!” I snapped.  I didn’t have time for this. (Y/n) needs to be found before she either hurts herself or someone else.

“Roger where are you going?” I heard Deacy say. I didn’t respond as I trudged out of the recording booth and raced around the studio calling out (y/n)’s name. I reached the lobby and I turned to Jessica and asked her.

“Jessica, have you seen (y/n)?”

“She raced outside looking pretty upset about something,”

“Wait she’s out there?” I asked in shock.

“Yes, is something wrong Roger shall I call Mr. Beach?”

“No, no, but ring up a car for me. And make sure it has a cup of warm Jasmine tea in it.” She nodded then she called up the limo.

Darren drove me around as I kept an eye out for (y/n) anywhere, but due to all the rain and with it getting dark earlier now, I could barely see anything.  But suddenly I saw someone sitting along a bench and when I recognized the silhouette being (y/n) I told Darren to stop the car.  

He stopped the car just slightly behind her, I got out and slowly walked towards her not wanting to startle her.  I removed my jacket slowly and placed it over her as she startled and looked up at me.

*My POV*

I managed to find me a bench to sit on and I just let the rain soak me bone dry as I wept.  You could hardly notice a difference whether it was rain or tears falling down my face.

I can’t believe Paul blurted out my secret just like that, and in front of Roger of all people, now he and the rest of the boys will look at me with nothing but pity and that’s all I got from people after my parent’s funeral along with the strict, controlling arseholes that were my aunt and uncle.

Being with the boys it—it gave me that freedom with them not questioning too much about my family, nor knowing about my history and always looking at me with pity.  I was so deep in thought I barely noticed that the rain wasn’t falling on me as much.  

I looked up and was startled to see Roger standing over me with his jacket in his hands blocking me from the rain.

“You’ll catch your death if you stay out here,” I sniffled and looked away from him.  Silence rang between us and he said again, “Why don’t you come in the car love? It’ll be a lot warmer in there than out here freezing in the rain.” I debated to myself whether I wanted to even go into the car with Roger.

Because now that he knows, he’ll want to talk about this and find out more about what Paul was talking about and whether it was true or not, which it is I just didn’t want to say it was.

Getting to the car, he opened the door and allowed me inside first and then he followed shortly behind before closing the door. Once inside the car, my body suddenly came to the shock of just how cold I was.  My body was shaking like a leaf and my teeth were chattering.

Roger wrapped his jacket further around me making sure that I was covered up and he handed me a thermos.

“Here, its Jasmine, your favorite. It should warm you up.” I opened up the thermos and took a quick drink of it and was about to sit it down when I heard Roger say, “No, no, come on drink some more.” He guided the thermos back to my mouth and I took a longer drink of it before exhaling out a choked sob.

“I don’t wanna talk about it, okay.” I choked out harshly.

“Okay,” he said softly as he brought me close. His arms wrapped around me rubbing my arms as he continued, “We don’t have to talk. We can just sit here and get warmed up.” I choked out a couple more sobs as I buried myself into Roger’s wet shoulder.  “Shhh, I’m here love, I’m right here for you.”

“Not for long you won’t.” I muttered.

“What do you mean by that darling?” he said as he looked down at me. I sniffled and leaned back from Roger and wiped my tears away as I choked out.

“Because….because…..”

“Hey, take your time.” He said as he wiped a tear away before taking my right hand in both of his and he gently kissed my knuckles. I took a few deep breaths trying to calm myself down before I finally managed to say,

“Everything Paul said…..was true. My aunt and uncle they—ever since my parents died in that car crash that stormy night, they’ve always wanted control of what I did and when I did it. And wh—when it came time for University they wanted me to do something pr-productive, but when I told them I wanted to do music like my parents, they called me out on it. There was arguing until…..finally my uncle packed up my stuff and tossed them out of the house along with me as well.” I sniffled and wiped my cheeks with my wet sleeve and that’s when I noticed a tissue come up in front of me.

I looked up at Roger and he softly nodded to me so I took it and wiped my tears away and I continued,

“That’s why once I got to college I started looking for flats and it wasn’t until a month later that I managed to find one and I finally moved in. Thankfully Adam agreed to move in with me to help with the rent.”

“(Y/n) you can choose not to answer this but….why didn’t you tell us about this?”

“Because I didn’t want to be given any sympathy. I thought that….if I gave you guys my sob story then you all would treat me differently. I…..I’ve been given enough sympathy from friends that I’ve told this about, plus you guys probably didn’t need my baggage on your plate.”

“You are not baggage!” He snapped.  I tensed up at Roger’s shouting. He sighed deeply and he said as he gently gripped my hand and apologized for yelling, “Sorry love, but you are dead wrong. You are not baggage, nothing about you is baggage. The boys and I love you (y/n), and if you had told us about this we wouldn’t treat you any differently.”

“You really think so?” I asked.

“Of course, the boys and I know you well enough to know that you’re not an attention seeker, you don’t like being in the crowds. You’re like Deacy in a way.” That there got a small laugh out of me which made Roger smile. “You’re a wonderful girl and knowing this doesn’t change my image of you. I still believe that you’re gonna do great things. Because you are a fighter, you persevere and dedicate to reach your dream, and I can’t wait to see you make it big one day.”

“Thanks Rog, you’re a great friend.” I said with a soft smile.

“I’m always here for you love, and so are Brian, Deacy and Freddie. We all love and care about you. Come here,” he held out his arms and I fell into his arms and hugged him back.  He stroked my hair and rubbed my back and I buried my face into his neck, his blonde hair lightly tickling my face.

“Rog,”

“Hmm?”

“Can you….promise not to tell the guys about this. I want to be the one to tell them, but when I’m ready.”

“I promise not to breathe a word to the lads, it won’t be my business to tell. They’ll have to hang me by my toes and threaten to burn my drum set along with all my drum sticks in order to get me to talk.” I smiled again and thanked him again.  I felt him kiss my temple and he said again, “Do you want to head home? Or are you ready to head back?”

“I’ll go back, I’m good now.”

“You sure?” he said as we separated.  I nodded and said.

“Yes, otherwise I let Paul win.” He nodded and he told Darren to take us home.

When we got back, the boys were all in the lobby and Deacy asked me.

“(Y/n) are you okay?” I turned to Roger and he placed a hand on my shoulder giving it a comforting rub and I said.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sure love?” asked Brian with concern written all over his face.

“I’ll tell you guys later but not now. Come on let’s get back to work on finishing the album.” I said as I walked back towards the recording booth.

“You heard her lads, let’s get going.” I heard Roger say as he followed behind me and wrapped an arm around me.  I looked up at him and he looked down at me and winked as he pulled me close to him and kissed the top of my head.

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

It's us: Halt and Catch Fire 4x09 and 4x10.

So, it took a few days but I think it's finally sunk in for me that Halt and Catch Fire actually ended the way it did? I truly was not prepared, I'd braced myself for a very specific, very heterosexual and annoying ending, and was ready to resent it forever.

But in the end, Halt finally quit playing and quit punishing its characters. So naturally, I'm instead prepared to talk about it forever! So, pause your Peter Gabriel cd that you've been crying to all week, grab your hackeysack and your bagel bites, sit down a safe distance from the pool, and lets process this finale even MORE! Literally nothing but spoilers for Halt and Catch Fire 4x09 and 4x10 below.

So, let's talk about how and when the show tied up each of our character's stories:

Bos and Diane: While I stand by all of my previous critiques of what the show put both of them through this season, and how mean it was to Diane, how can you not be happy for them?! I'm happy that Bos is in good health, and that Diane seems more than ready to retire from being a miserable business woman and shift to enjoying her life and her family.

Haley and Vanessa: Okay, so, this was a bummer, right? I love how they did it though. I love that they showed us Haley striding into that mildly ridiculous hot dog place of dreams and asking Vanessa out -- I haven't seen a lot of queer teenage girls asking their crushes out in mainstream media and also I myself haven't ever been brave enough to do that IRL so that was kind of awesome of her?! -- and I love that they didn't tell us what exactly happened. The focus stays on Haley's sadness, disappointment, and embarrassment, and the show avoids making wlw crushes look like they're all doomed to misery. (Which, they're not, ICYMI.)

Comet. I was surprised by how hard this hit me. This is a key theme of the show: projects end, sometimes amicably, and sometimes disastrously, partnerships dissolve, it's part of life, and yes, it's especially difficult to accept for traumatized abuse survivor over-achievers. But you have to learn to move on to the next thing, or you're in for a long life, and not in a good way. A competitor, Yahoo, the jokes about which I remember, beats Comet to the punch. It happens! But, just like it happens IRL, this is also the death of Gordon's last venture, and of J*e's last connection to him, and….jesus fvck, it hurts.

Cameron & J*e: The end of Comet ends up meaning the end of Jameron, though not for a lack of trying on both sides. This ship has a huge following despite never having worked or been healthy, and despite Lee Pace's fantastic work this season, the show never sold me on his redemption -- and yes, it was an issue of his redemption, as a former abuser, do not start with or @ me about this. Even if we accept that J*e has changed, he and Cameron want different things. She shouldn't be forced to have a family she doesn't want, and it is not in any way healthy for him to sacrifice something that huge to be with her? (That doesn't even get into how grief and loss alters relationships, sometimes in terrible and painful ways, and J*e's loss is real.) Their break up scene was sad and tough to watch, but, they're both free to find better partners, who actually meet their needs. Can't help but see that as a win.

Joanie: I could say something snarky about the writers sending her off to eat, pray, and love or whatever, but I love Joanie, and while it's a little sad, I'm glad that she got to leave home and start to get some perspective on her family and also her grief. Sometimes, we don't quite fit in at home, and we need to go elsewhere -- isn't that kind of true of our entire main cast? Also, her very last scene, when she's on the phone, is such full of such great, teenage-y, youthful energy and emotion. Ugh, I'll always be a little annoyed that we didn't spend more time with her, but thank you for stealing every scene you were in, gurl!

Donna Emerson, Senior Managing Partner at Symphonic Ventures! Um. This is literally everything Donna deserves, finally? I'm bummed that we had to wait until the last episode for it, and I don't dig how it feels like Gordon had to die for her to really come into her own, but my g-d: seeing Donna's years of hard work pay off feels good! That she pushes her firm in a new direction, literally renames it, and makes it a place that looks like a perfect balance between the AGGEK offices and the Mutiny house (<3!) is just…I can't, let me stop before I weep with joy…Donna finally has the kind of security she always wanted, now she can do whatever she likes! Including founding Lesbians Who Tech! More to the point: she doesn't seem to want a partner. She's finally comfortable standing on her own, even though it can be lonely.

….whatever was going on with Alexa and Cameron? We never got a name for their venture, right? Anyways. I'm sorry that the show didn't do more with Alexa, but I appreciated the reminder that Cameron isn't suited to the business and networking part of working in tech, and that people easily misinterpret that as brattiness (or worse). It was also a nice reminder of how Donna was a good match for Cameron.

Cameron: I guess it's understandable that after Gordon's death, the end of Comet, the end of a major relationship, and two months in Europe, Cameron would feel like she has no real reason to stay in California, or no real place in even Bos, Donna, and Haley's lives. I can't help but feel slightly disappointed by her wanting to run away -- to Florida, of all places -- but I also really empathize with her struggle to see her own patterns clearly enough to do something about them. In the end, it seems like she's not sure what she wants to do, but like she's sure she wants to do better, and like she wants to see if fixing things with her mom will help her. Despite a lot of loss, Cameron hasn't given up yet. She's still lonely and uncertain but she's strong, and getting better at making and owning her decisions, so, that's actually kind of amazing. Well done, my anxious genius bby!

Haley. While it would've been cool to see Haley start dating Vanessa, in the end, we got to see Haley affirm herself, with the help of her dad's tapes (which, brb crying slightly) and her gay moms (let's just be real?), oh and also her bi uncle(!), and that's even better. Haley might have, like many young women before her, experimented with dating boys despite her limited interest in them, but in the end? She dumps her boyfriend. Haley is getting hit with a lot of change, but she knows who she is (and so does her mom, apparently?!): she's Haley Clark, and she likes computers, comedy, and girls. And she's gonna be okay!

Cameron and Donna. Where do I even start? Finally, after approximately a decade, Cam and Donna have come to fully see and appreciate each other. They've put Mutiny behind them, and they've come to respect each other's space, even -- Donna doesn't try to stop Cameron from leaving town, and Cameron doesn't press Donna about working together. They know where they went wrong in the past and now they're friends. ('Friends'. Right!) Cameron is about to leave when Donna gets an idea, and we don't hear what it is, but from the beginning of Cameron's smile and all the hints dropped through out both final episodes, it seems like Cameron is going to stay and work on this idea with Donna, this time as equal partners. Actually, from all the hints dropped, it seems like Cameron and Donna are eventually going to end up in a romantic relationship together, t b h! Either way, Cameron and Donna are ultimately reaffirmed as the real heart of the show, and their relationship is validated in a way I feel like I really haven't ever seen on film before. That might not matter to a lot of people, but as a lesbian who is deeply emotionally invested in all of her relationships with women, including her friendships with straight women, I can't tell you how happy it made me to see these two lonely, brilliant, sensitive, stone fox, take-no-shit geniuses get the happy ending they've always deserved.

And finally, J*e. I'll just say outright that I don't feel bad for J*e. He went to Texas in 1983, destroyed a lot of lives, spent a decade chasing a woman who repeatedly rejected his advances, and then after a many tragic losses over the course of ten years, he stopped. Okay? He stopped, he stopped chasing a woman he didn't belong with, stopped making collateral damage out of Donna, and maybe most importantly, let himself step away from the tech sector, where he did influential work, but lost so many people, including the love of  his life, and yes, I'm talking about Gordon. Sigh. So long as he isn't coming between or antagonizing Cameron and Donna, I hope J*e will really make this fresh start stick. I hope he'll maybe get some grief counseling, meet a hot single dad or teacher or something, and eventually adopt or foster some kids? We don't get to see that, though. All we know is that he's left behind what wasn't working, and he's trying again. I hate to tell you this babies, but: sometimes, out here in the real world, that really is the best you can do.

I stand by my critiques of the season, especially those regarding the handling of the women characters. Honestly, they also could've done better by J*e, our one canonically non-heterosexual main cast member. But I enjoyed this finale far more than I thought possible, and I needed its overall message. I understand that message to be that we can thrive, despite our flaws, if we find people who get us, work that we enjoy, some kind of niche where we're accepted for who we are and what we love. Even if it takes a while, even if we lose those people and those homes, we can keep searching.

It's been a wild, and super emotional ride, yalce! But like Donna, I loved every minute of it. Because even when I didn't love it, I loved writing about the show and talking to some of you about it here. I genuinely hope that you got as much out of this show as I did, and that it made you feel maybe a little more hopeful, and a little less alone, and that it will keep making you feel that way, even though it's ended its run. I hope that it will do that for me, at least.