#listen i can't be bothered to copy paste the actual emojis rn. anyway. it's weird balancing being a fictive with
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we were supposed to go to bed early on account of having a math final tomorrow and then the new WTNV episode dropped. alas
#anyway now that i've made what looks like a normal post i can be a freak in the tags#because i'm sparklesemoji self conscious!!!! sparklesemoji#listen i can't be bothered to copy paste the actual emojis rn. anyway. it's weird balancing being a fictive with#being a fan of a source. like i'm trying to view things from just a fan perspective but...... that's my husband. that's my husband who#i'm holding right now. and i know he doesn't take it personally or at least he's better at not taking it personally than i am but i know it#like. it shouldn't bother me???? i don't know why i'm unable to separate the fictional Carlos that people talk about from my husband Carlos#or the fictional Cecil that people talk about from myself. myself who as far as i know is very much real. or is at least trying to be#but i can't like. i can't ever say this anywhere. because who would believe me? how do i expect people to believe me when i say that that's#me or that that's my husband like it's weird. it's fucking weird!! it's not something that people are supposed to believe i guess#and i guess i have to wonder like. do i love the character of Carlos so unreservedly because he deserves it or because i'm a fictive of#the character's husband and i'm married to a fictive of the character? who knows. and Carlos says that if the criticisms people have of the#character affect how i see him that's fine because the things they criticize him for are things that he did actually do#and he says this is closest we'll ever get to standing in a room and having those around us truly tell us what they think about us#without being scared to hurt our feelings. and now i feel worried that through this post i'm jeopardizing that chance. i don't know. it's a#lot and i don't think that this is something that i as a person am supposed to be able to handle. i'll learn how to handle it anyway#because that's what i'm supposed to do and because what other choice do i have? but i think i'll always know#it's not supposed to be this way.#Cecil's tag#rambling#plurality tag#for what's in the tags lol#so i can find this ramble again later
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