#literally the first therapy session i had after october 7 when i was still in shock about everything

[avi-on-jumblr]

it is mind-boggling that the first thing people do after seeing a horrible antisemitic attack, or the firebombing of a synagogue, or a mob going after a jewish teacher, or the assault of a jewish student, is to go out and make a statement condemning "islamophobia and antisemitism and other forms of hate" in that order.

[onlyherefortheshowmances]

TW: Mental Health

I have a lot of mental health issues. My main diagnosis is Bipolar (type II). I also have CPTSD (stemming from physical and mental abuse for the first 6 years of my life at the hands of my biological father and continued emotional abuse/manipulation by my mother afterwards). I also have Borderline Personality Disorder which is a trauma-response related disorder that basically means it’s more difficult for me to regulate my emotions than most people. I’m prone to meltdowns when angry or upset. I also have panic disorder, social anxiety, and generalized anxiety disorder. It took a lot of years to finally figure out what is wrong with me, but even knowing what’s wrong doesn’t mean there’re answers. Sure, I’m on meds, but they don’t really work. I see a therapist, but it doesn’t really help. Everything just furthers my abilities to hide my emotions entirely. To never say what I’m actually thinking. To never be allowed to exist in my true state.

 I’m also physically disabled, but no one will believe just how much pain I’m in. I’ve gotten good at hiding that because what’s the bother if no one will believe me anyway. I’ve been in pain since I was 14 (2005). My freshman year of high school. Everything has gotten progressively worse to the point where walking more than a couple blocks is next to impossible. I used to be able to walk miles and miles with no problem, but that’s just not possible any more. A flight of stairs does me in, too.

 In my early 20s a doctor finally listened enough to x-ray my knee, but the x-ray was normal, so they just gave me prescription strength naproxen (Aleve) and sent me on my way. Three years ago (2017), my knee was acting up and my family doctor finally gave me a referral to sports medicine. They took xrays and were able to see osteoarthritis in my joint this time. They had me do physical therapy which just gave me more pain and more reason/ability to pretend there wasn’t any. They also gave me a cortisone injection.

 2 years ago (2018), I tore something in my right shoulder. It took an excruciating 2 months of physical therapy before I even got to see orthopedics. The first orthopedic doctor I saw, basically shrugged me off. He did a cortisone injection in my shoulder which made it worse. I requested a second opinion and finally found a doctor that would order imaging of the shoulder even though the physical therapist put in her notes that it should be MRI’d because of the symptomology following therapy. I had surgery in December for a tare that happened in June. I suffered through 9 months (including the 3 months of recovery after surgery) for something that could have been over in half that time if doctors would have just listened when I went to urgent care the day it happened. At my surgery follow up the doctor remarked that the inside of my shoulder looks like I’m at least in my 70s and that my rotator cuff is also slightly torn and will likely eventually need repaired.

 It wasn’t until this year (2020); literally 15 years after the pain started, that I found a single doctor that would take me seriously. He finally ran blood work beyond the regular stuff and I’ve since been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, but because the x-rays of my hands and feet look normal, it’s not “aggressive” and I’m just on meds. I still don’t have pain meds or muscle relaxers even though that’s all I want. I’m still not disabled enough.

 The medical care I require is not cheap. Especially not when the insurance my employer offers has $60 co-pays for every specialty visit. My prescriptions cost $50+ per month even with insurance. My therapist is $45 per session which I can only afford every 3 or 4 weeks even though I should definitely be going more often. My psychiatrist is $50 per visit and he wants to see me monthly when he changes anything. I have to see rheumatology ($60 per visit) every 6 weeks for conceivably forever. I had to have a special eye exam ($105 total) every year and new classes are $50+ every year because you know my eyesight has to be complete shit on top of everything else, too.

 I also have to live alone; in part because of my mental health condition and in part because I don’t have anywhere else to go. So, I have to pay my bills all on my own, too.

 I’ve had a lot of jobs in my 29 ½ years of life.

 I worked at Wal-mart in High School (2007-2009). I was a cashier first and then worked in the clothing department. I was fired because they refused to accept my doctor’s note absences even though their company policy says they should have. I got unemployment.

 I did odd jobs in college (2009-2012). I was a tour guide for open house once a month which was probably my favorite job. I very briefly worked in the dining hall, but my mental health couldn’t take that for more than a couple weeks. Mostly my grandfather supported me through those three years until I had to leave school. I made it through 3 years of the social work program to realize my mental health wasn’t cut out for that profession. I didn’t have the money for 3 more years to get a different degree, so I left. Always with the intention that I’d go back some day, but I’ve never actually made it and now with the state of me, probably never will.

 I worked at the Amazon Warehouse for the grand amount of 2 weeks after I left school (June 2012). I had a panic attack trying to do high levels on the order picker and didn’t have a psychiatrist to write an accommodation letter at the time, so I had no choice but to leave.

 I then worked at Target (but for Radio Shack) selling contract cell phones (July 2012-. I enjoyed that job well enough, but it became physically taxing (standing for umpteen hours on end). It was that job that got me to transfer back to my city from where my grandfather lived. I lived with a roommate for a year. She no longer speaks to me because of a whole laundry list of misunderstandings (mostly my mental health).

 After Target, I worked at CVS as a Pharmacy Tech. I think that was the job I had the longest before my current one. It was that job that lead to my first hospitalization(s) for mental health. When I finally had to leave (for my mental health), I was unemployed and essentially homeless for almost a year and then I had county funding to get a room for another year and lived off food stamps and medical assistance.

 During that time, I met Shawn. He was the saving grace I needed to get out of what I thought would be the darkest time of my life.

I managed to get my anxiety under control enough to get a job again. I was a mail carrier for 7 months (May-December 2016). I lost that job again due to my mental health. I was hypomanic (the upswing of Bipolar II) and made a careless driving decision. I was then unemployed for 4 months (until April 2017). But I was living with Shawn at that time and everything seemed fine.

 I then ended up working in the laundry room at the hospital for a few months (April-July 2017). I ended up needing to quit that job because my physical paid started getting too much to handle and I got tendonitis in my wrist. But during that time Shawn broke off our engagement and I restarted therapy (with my current therapist). We’ve always still been best friends. We’ve still done things together; in fact I moved into the spare bedroom and continued to live there for over a year after.

 I started my next job a week after leaving the hospital. I was a receptionist at a major dental practice (July 2017-March 2018) until their company policies went to shit and I had to find a new job for my own sanity.

 I started my current job on April 9, 2018. I work in Revenue Cycle for a group of dental practices doing mostly insurance billing and claims follow up. I moved into an apartment by myself in September 2018 and live there until August of this year. I recently moved into a new apartment (August 2020).

 The past year has however been a living hell.

 On October 24, 2019, Shawn died. I don’t want to go into details of how, but it wasn’t directly intentional, but he knew there was a risk in his actions that lead to the death.

 It’s been year. Nothing’s gotten better. Everything is still broken. Everything still hurts. I’m only better at pretending. I don’t want to live in this world anymore. Intensive Mental health programs only make things worse (inpatient and intensive outpatient alike) and make me hide even more because I need to get out. I can’t handle it.

 I need to quit my job. For my mental and physical health. I can’t handle it anymore. Especially not working from home like I’ve had to since June because of COVID. I don’t think another job would be any better. Maybe for a couple months, but then the same problems would happen again. I just can’t commit to doing something every single day. Not with my mental or physical health. But I can’t quit because I have bills to pay. I can’t get disability because I’m currently working and you can’t be working or have savings to get disability. You basically have to be homeless or live with someone that supports you completely to get it. So basically, I have no way out and I’m stuck in a perpetual hellscape.

[jhathaway71]

Robron Spoiler Theories: Wk 28

 The below is a theory and my personal opinions on what will happen the week of 10 July through 14 July. I doubt week 28 is about how Aaron deals with Robert, Rebecca, and the possible baby alone. Those are valid concerns and need to be addressed, but are minor plot points/events/triggers for what is to become an overall story direction for Aaron going forward for the next few months. Aaron’s story/direction will be about his abuse by Gordon and how that has impacted his mental health creating trust and happiness concerns in his life and dealing with that in his current situation. 

So, what do we know about the upcoming week based on spoiler tag lines & interviews:

Aaron & Robert fight over money. (RED HERRING ALERT)

Aaron learns that Robert is still not being completely open/honest with him (Robert’s investment with Lawrence)

 Aaron brings up sore points to Robert about his cheating

Robert tries to prove his love to Aaron by 1. Attempting to burn money & 2. Bypassing/ignoring Rebecca who is broken down on the side of the road.

Aaron has Robert turn around to check on Rebecca

Aaron suggests Robert take Rebecca to the baby scan. Additionally, Robert warms to idea of being father to his son at the scan

Aaron returns to the village and contacts Ethan for drugs, Jason shows up. A fight ensues (Isolated plot point to drive story)

Instead of taking the drugs, Aaron returns to cutting as his standard type of self-harm to cope with his emotions (RED HERRING ALERT)

Robert doesn’t catch Aaron with/taking the drugs, but does discover Aaron is self-harming again through cutting

Robert is devastated (by a recent development) (RED HERRING ALERT)

Robert offers a proposal. Gives money to Rebecca for the baby.

Robert & Aaron’s relationship is “shaky” with Aaron’s emotions boiling over.

Robert despairs or is plunged into further despair (RED HERRING ALERT)

Some key points in the story this far that I think will have an impact on direction for week 28 and going forward:

Robert removes ring telling Aaron he literally can’t make him happy (Recurring theme since Gordon Trial ending/catalyst)

Aaron’s ordeal with Jason and his mental torture regarding Gordon while in prison is explained to Robert. He tells Aaron they’ll get him help

Robert tells Aaron about sleeping with Rebecca

Robert tells Aaron he feels no one was there when he is struggling while Aaron was in prison and he feels he always has to be the strong one

Aaron forgives Robert (If there is no baby, you won’t have anything to do with her, it’s over. No more lies, no more hurting each other, no one else, etc)

Aaron says, “Robert, I think we’ve both proved we’re rubbish without each other, don’t you?”

Aaron tells Robert after forgiving him, that he does want to be happy. Robert tells him that he’ll help him

Aaron/Robert learn about the continued pregnancy. Aaron talks with Robert, then Rebecca. There was NO resolution to either, with both conversations feeling incomplete and dropped as the next episode starts

Victoria is baby obsessed, now friends/roommates with Rebecca (Probably not important, but bothers me to no end and makes me despise/hate Victoria’s character)

Lack of response from Aaron’s Family/Friends/Support other than the previously mentioned baby obsessed Victoria

Aaron doesn’t understand Chrissie’s question (plot driven) about Gordon assuming it has to do with Robert (Robert is nothing like Gordon)

Aaron responds to Leyla’s official wedding talk to drum up business (RED HERRING, FAN BAITING, REMINDER OF IAIN MACLEOD’S PROMISE, OR PLOT POINT???) #MoreToCome – Sorry, couldn’t help myself from being sarcastic

Since the reveals on 25 & 26May, hints have been slowly dropped Aaron is okay with whatever decision Robert makes with the baby situation. The last few scenes of them together after the Barton bros fiasco, Aaron tells Robert that he needs to talk with him about the situation and let him know how he feels especially if the wants to be involved. Aaron is attempting to support Robert (be strong for him) and the baby situation although he is struggling with it himself.

During the “money” fight, Aaron will bring up Robert’s secrecy (hiding his feelings about the upcoming birth of his child and his investment with Lawrence White). At this time, Aaron will also bring up Robert’s cheating and how he kept it secret from the time he wanted to admit it to Aaron until he finally admitted it when moving into the Mill. Robert will try to prove his love for Aaron as outlined in the bullet points for the spoiler tag lines. With everything that has happened (triggers – Chrissie conversation, anything else that happens week 27, and then fight with Robert, Rebecca/Baby breakdown interruption) Aaron turns to drugs, but instead self-harms (Jason is catalyst to stop him from doing drugs-criminal behaviour and not wanting to go to jail – Priest conversation & therapy session reminding audience of priest conversation)

There isn’t much for Wednesday on the spoiler tags other than Robert being devastated & Robert discovering Aaron is self-harming again. Because both spoiler tags are reported separately with What’s On TV, I do not think these are necessarily directly related to each other.

From Wednesday through Friday, this may all be out there, vague and contradictory on details and I might be completely wrong but here is where I think Iain is going with this story…

(Wednesday) Robert will be devastated is for one of three possibilities:

Something to do with his unborn son (Rebecca experiences pain again rushed to hospital, Rebecca can no longer stay with Victoria, Robert learns he is not the father, who knows)

Learns about Aaron pursuing drugs, Jason being in the Mill, and Aaron’s continued mental health concerns relating to Gordon/abuse. I doubt this will be the devastation because again it is directly related to Aaron’s self-harm and has two separate tags on What’s on TV

Who knows, this is so flipping vague I doubt it is directly related to either storyline and this is the one I’m leaning on

(Thursday 7 PM) Robert gives Rebecca money to help prepare for the baby

With Robert now warming to the idea of being a father to his unborn son, it would be consistent with Robert wanting to support Rebecca and thus his baby. *Why Rebecca needs money from Robert isn’t very logical given that she is a rich White. I also think the offer to help Rebecca financially to prepare for the baby will be done on Tuesday and the reveal will be to Aaron during this episode

(Thursday 7 PM) Robert makes a bold proposal

 After learning about Aaron’s self-harming and depending what all Aaron reveals on why he started again, Robert suggests Aaron continue/restart counseling individually and do couples counseling together. Although neither of these seem very “bold” considering Aaron has already went to at least 1 session with Robert present.

I’ve said it before and continue to think that Rebecca will end up living at the Mill in the second flat. Along with giving Rebecca money, Robert could propose to Aaron that Rebecca take over the second flat as another way to help support his unborn son

(Thursday 8 PM) Aaron’s emotions boil over & Robert’s relationship with Aaron is shaky

Any of the previous outlined 7 PM scenarios could cause Aaron’s emotions to boil over, I’m leaning to Aaron being told Robert gives Rebecca money for the baby, especially given their fight on Tuesday was started because of money. I consider the Tuesday Money fight a red herring because it is to distract from the actual issues being presented and to be explored for Aaron specifically, but also for Robert

Whatever the 7 PM catalyst, this will lead to another discussion/fight between Robert & Aaron, leading to Robert not feeling completely secure in his relationship with Aaron

(Friday) Robert despairs & Robert is plunged into further despair (Despair is defined as the complete loss or absence of hope)

On the Rebecca side, if there is a catalyst on Wednesday causing devastation for Robert baby related, the problem may exacerbate on Friday, causing Robert to lose hope that he will be a father to his unborn son. I highly doubt this is it as it feels too soon for this sort of reveal and inconsistent with how the story has developed to this point

On the Aaron side, Robert’s despair is related to his conversation with Aaron and how he doesn’t feel as secure as he did after the 25-May reveal. The two primary topics will be trust & happiness for Aaron which causes Robert’s despair. Not all of the below bullet points will necessarily be fleshed out in the Thursday 8 PM or Friday episodes, but will be explored to some extent, though not necessarily verbatim but in general sense, over the next few weeks to months as Aaron’s story is explored

Aaron was already experiencing trust issues with Robert as far back as October 2016 in relation to Rebecca. Now that his worst fear has been realized with Robert sleeping with her, he explains he wants to support Robert w/ the baby but the situation continues to be a reminder of what he has been through and what brought them to this point. Robert is conflicted with how he will balance his love for Aaron and his desire to be a father to his unborn son

Now lacking trust in Robert, Aaron rejects Robert’s offer to participate with his individual therapy sessions. Aaron had told Robert in April that he couldn’t get through his therapy/dealing with his emotions regarding Gordon/ordeal in prison without his help in April (first therapy session)

Gordon’s abuse helped create some of the trust issues among other mental health concerns Aaron faces. Robert being the first person Aaron opened up to and trusted regarding Gordon’s abuse in Jan/Feb 2016 and the primary person to support Aaron other than Chas will see his actions (cheating/lying/secrecy) having created a situation that puts a barrier to his being able to support Aaron because he no longer fully trusts Robert. (Robert has repeatedly told Paddy that he has been there for Aaron through it all. With Aaron not fully trusting Robert this won’t be an easy obstacle to overcome and will create additional conflict for Robert since Aaron won’t accept Robert being there for him as he was before.)

Aaron’s separation from his family/friends/support during cheating & baby reveal and the lack of response from them on the situation has always bothered me (as it has others) This would be necessary for the previous bullet point on how Robert though his actions and their consequences are impacting Aaron’s mental health/trust, he would be the primary support for Aaron even though it has not been shown on screen. Now that Robert cannot support Aaron the way he wants to because of the trust issues Aaron has, we will see Aaron’s friends/family/support begin to comment and interact with Aaron, replacing Robert causing his further despair

Similar to the admission on Aaron’s trust issues with Robert, a discussion on Aaron not being happy will/should happen. I see this more as a growth or self-discovery moment for Aaron and another barrier for Robert over the next few weeks. Aaron will come to realize it is not Robert responsibility to make him happy, but his own mental health concerns that are impacting his ability to be happy. I hope that Aaron is the one that explains this to Robert as they resolve their relationship/communication issues.

ALTERNATIVE POINT: Aaron has not fully dealt with his emotions about Gordon and his history of abuse. The recent reminders while in prison and then Jason return brings this to the forefront in Aaron’s psyche. After Robert learns Rebecca is having a boy and tells Aaron, this could trigger additional conflict within Aaron because Chrissie questions about his father inadvertently planted a seed for self-doubt on Aaron’s ability to support Robert and his son.

I do not think/believe Emmerdale will completely split or break up Robert & Aaron at the end of week 28 or sometime in week 29, because of the simple statement Aaron made on 25-May “Robert, I think we’ve both proved we’re rubbish without each other, don’t you?” If they do, it will be a mutual decision made after one of them suggests a temporary separation from their relationship being necessary to work on their individual issues/concerns so they can then rebuild their relationship later.

*Just saw the tweets from Danny about Time/A Break a great healer. I still stand by my theory on them separating.

And though they may not be together as a couple, I do see them continuing to interact with each other and not having (much, if any) animosity against the other as we have seen in the past because of Aaron’s statement again about them both being rubbish without the other. This would be counterproductive to the narrative I think Iain MacLeod has been building on with the 25-May reveal and resolution to Robert & Aaron story with Rebecca White that began October 2016.

The spoilers, rumours, and feelings may make Week 28 sound like a giant step back for Robert & Aaron from what we witnessed during the 25-May episode penned by Maxine, and while she did not have her expert Robron hands in the scripts for the coming week, Iain did deliver on his promise in my opinion that the episode did answer some of the concerns I as an ardent Robron fan had “about the direction that the story is taking and satisfy” my worries.

There has not been any big announcements from Emmerdale, Iain MacLeod about what is coming for Robert & Aaron. There have been a couple of magazine interviews with Danny Miller about the upcoming story. After reading his interviews and attempting to theorize what the daily spoiler tag lines may mean I trust Iain is going to continue to have Robron’s story develop with the idea of what he said about the 25th May episode.

I have been a harsh critical of the changes to Emmerdale under Iain MacLeod’s leadership, and specifically what he has done with Robert & Aaron’s characters. And I may be completely wrong with my theories for Week 28 and the direction I think he is taking with the couple. If my theories are somewhat accurate for Robert & Aaron in the upcoming weeks, I owe him a personal apology and am excited the direction he has planned.

None of this resolves the individual Rebecca storyline or the baby storyline. I have called Rebecca a plot device (among other names), and include the baby in that category, I have no doubt both of these were not intended by Iain to only be a catalyst for Robert & Aaron’s circumstances or plot points along the way to other interrelated stories to be discarded once complete, but another layer to a longer story being developed slowly across multiple individuals and couples. #MoreToCome – Not being sarcastic, but the avenues to resolve both points kinda excites me now, no matter how much I hate how/why this has impacted Robert & Aaron relationship and stories.

Although, if I am completely wrong I can only say that he has completely blindsided me. I already had problems trusting anything he had to say about the show and it will reinforce my opinion that he is the wrong choice as showrunner for Emmerdale. And just to clarify, it is not only Robron that I think he has messed up, but other stories/characters as well (Rhona, Emma, Debbie, Cain, Moira, Adam, Paddy).

[shiro-absence]

Anne Sexton (November 9, 1928 – October 4, 1974) was an American poet, known for her highly personal, confessional verse. She won the Pulitzer Prize for poetry in 1967 for her book Live or Die. Themes of her poetry include her long battle against depression and mania, suicidal tendencies, and various intimate details from her private life, including her relationships with her husband and children. 　 Early life and family[edit] Anne Sexton was born Anne Gray Harvey in Newton, Massachusetts to Mary Gray Staples and Ralph Churchill Harvey. She had two older sisters, Jane Elizabeth Harvey (born 1923) and Blanche Dingley Harvey (born 1925). She spent most of her childhood in Boston. In 1945 she enrolled at Rogers Hall boarding school, Lowell, Massachusetts, later spending a year at Garland School.[1] For a time she modeled for Boston's Hart Agency. On August 16, 1948, she married Alfred Muller Sexton II and they remained together until 1973.[2][3] She had two children named Linda Gray and Joyce Ladd. 　 　 Poetry[edit] Sexton suffered from severe mental illness for much of her life, her first manic episode taking place in 1954. After a second episode in 1955 she met Dr. Martin Orne, who became her long-term therapist at the Glenside Hospital. It was Dr. Orne who encouraged her to take up poetry.[4] 　 The first poetry workshop she attended was led by John Holmes. Sexton felt great trepidation about registering for the class, asking a friend to make the phone call and accompany her to the first session. She found early acclaim with her poetry; a number were accepted by The New Yorker, Harper's Magazine and the Saturday Review. Sexton later studied with Robert Lowell at Boston University alongside distinguished poets Sylvia Plath and George Starbuck.[3][5] 　 Sexton's poetic career was encouraged by her mentor W.D. Snodgrass, whom she met at the Antioch Writer's Conference in 1957. His poem "Heart's Needle" proved inspirational for her in its theme of separation from his three-year-old daughter.[6] Sexton first read the poem at a time when her own young daughter was living with her mother-in-law. She, in turn, wrote "The Double Image", a poem which explores the multi-generational relationship between mother and daughter. Sexton began writing letters to Snodgrass and they became friends. 　 While working with John Holmes, Sexton encountered Maxine Kumin. They became good friends and remained so for the rest of Sexton's life. Kumin and Sexton rigorously critiqued each other's work and wrote four children's books together. In the late 1960s, the manic elements of Sexton's illness began to affect her career, though she still wrote and published work and gave readings of her poetry. She collaborated with musicians, forming a jazz-rock group called "Her Kind" that added music to her poetry. Her play Mercy Street, starring Marian Seldes, was produced in 1969, after several years of revisions.[7] Sexton also collaborated with the artist Barbara Swan, who illustrated several of her books.[8] 　 Within twelve years of writing her first sonnet, she was one of the most honored poets in America: a Pulitzer Prize winner, a fellow of the Royal Society of Literature and the first female member of the Harvard chapter of Phi Beta Kappa.[9][10] 　 Content and themes of work[edit] Sexton is seen as the modern model of the confessional poet. Maxine Kumin described Sexton's work: "She wrote openly about menstruation, abortion, masturbation, incest, adultery, and drug addiction at a time when the proprieties embraced none of these as proper topics for poetry."[12] Sexton's work towards the end of the sixties has been criticized as "preening, lazy and flip" by otherwise respectful critics.[9] Some critics regard her dependence on alcohol as compromising her last work. However, other critics see Sexton as a poet whose writing matured over time. "Starting as a relatively conventional writer, she learned to roughen up her line. ... to use as an instrument against the 'politesse' of language, politics, religion [and] sex."[13] 　 Her eighth collection of poetry is entitled The Awful Rowing Toward God. The title came from her meeting with a Roman Catholic priest who, although unwilling to administer last rites, told her "God is in your typewriter." This gave the poet the desire and willpower to continue living and writing. The Awful Rowing Toward God and The Death Notebooks are among her final works, and both center on the theme of dying.[14] 　 Her work started out as being about herself, however as her career progressed she made periodic attempts to reach outside the realm of her own life for poetic themes.[15][15] Transformations (1971), which is a revisionary re-telling of Grimm's Fairy Tales, is one such book.[16] (Transformations was used as the libretto for the 1973 opera of the same name by American composer Conrad Susa.) Later she used Christopher Smart's Jubilate Agno and the Bible as the basis for some of her work.[17] 　 Much has been made of the tangled threads of her writing, her life and her depression, much in the same way as with Sylvia Plath's suicide in 1963. Robert Lowell, Adrienne Rich and Denise Levertov commented in separate obituaries on the role of creativity in Sexton's death. Levertov says, "We who are alive must make clear, as she could not, the distinction between creativity and self-destruction."[5] 　 Subsequent controversy[edit] Following one of many suicide attempts and manic or depressive episodes, Sexton worked with therapist Dr. Martin Orne.[9] He diagnosed her with what is now described as bipolar disorder, but his competence to do so is called into question by his early use of allegedly unsound psychotherapeutic techniques.[18] During sessions with Anne Sexton he used hypnosis and sodium pentothal to recover supposedly repressed memories. During this process, he allegedly used suggestion to uncover memories of having been abused by her father.[19] This abuse was disputed in interviews with her mother and other relatives.[20] Dr. Orne wrote that hypnosis in an adult frequently does not present accurate memories of childhood; instead, "adults under hypnosis are not literally reliving their early childhoods but presenting them through the prisms of adulthood."[21] According to Dr. Orne, Anne Sexton was extremely suggestible and would mimic the symptoms of the patients around her in the mental hospitals to which she was committed. The Diane Middlebrook biography states that a separate personality named Elizabeth emerged in Sexton while under hypnosis. Dr. Orne did not encourage this development and subsequently this "alternate personality" disappeared. Dr. Orne eventually concluded that Anne Sexton was suffering from hysteria.[4] During the writing of the Middlebrook biography, Linda Gray Sexton stated that she had been sexually assaulted by her mother.[19][22] In 1994, Linda Gray Sexton published her autobiography, Searching for Mercy Street: My Journey Back to My Mother, Anne Sexton, which includes her own accounts of the abuse.[23][24] 　 Middlebrook published her controversial biography of Anne Sexton with the approval of Linda Gray Sexton, Anne's literary executor.[4] For use in the biography, Dr. Orne had given Diane Middlebrook most of the tapes recording the therapy sessions between Orne and Anne Sexton. The use of these tapes was met with, as The New York Times put it, "thunderous condemnation."[9] Middlebrook received the tapes after she had written a substantial amount of the first draft of Sexton's biography, and decided to start over. Although Linda Gray Sexton collaborated with the Middlebrook biography, other members of the Sexton family were divided over the book, publishing several editorials and op-ed pieces, in The New York Times and The New York Times Book Review. 　 Controversy continued with the posthumous public release of the tapes (which had been subject to doctor-patient confidentiality). They are said to reveal Sexton's inappropriate behavior with her daughter Linda, her physically violent behavior toward both her daughters, and her physical altercations with her husband.[22] 　 Yet more controversy surrounded allegations that Anne Sexton had an affair with the therapist who replaced Dr. Orne in the 1960s.[25] No action was taken to censure or discipline the second therapist. Dr. Orne considered the affair with the second therapist (given the pseudonym "Ollie Zweizung" by Middlebrook and Linda Sexton) to be the catalyst that eventually resulted in her suicide.[5] 　 Legacy and tributes[edit] Peter Gabriel dedicated his song "Mercy Street", from his 1986 album So, to Sexton.[26] She has been described as a "personal touchstone" for Morrissey, former lead singer and lyricist of The Smiths.[27] She is commemorated on the Boston Women's Heritage Trail.[28] 　 In other media[edit] In James Ellroy's 1987 novel The Black Dahlia, the epigraph is "Now I fold you down, my drunkard, my navigator, My first lost keeper, to love and look at later." The passage is from Sexton's 1962 poem All My Pretty Ones. 　 In Kidnap Kid's unreleased track(ID-ID) on Above & Beyond's Group Therapy Guest mix Episode 226 you can find Ann Sexton reciting the poem "The Truth the Dead Know. "[29] 　 　 Sexton's works[edit] 　 Poetry and prose (collections and novels)[edit] Uncompleted Novel-started in the 1960s To Bedlam and Part Way Back (1960) The Starry Night (1961) All My Pretty Ones (1962) Selected Poems (London, 1964) No equivalent US edition Live or Die (1966) – Winner of the Pulitzer prize in 1967 Love Poems (1969) Mercy Street, a 2-act play performed at the American Place Theatre (1969), published by Broadway Play Publishing Inc. Transformations (1971) ISBN 0-618-08343-X The Book of Folly (1972) The Death Notebooks (1974) The Awful Rowing Toward God (1975; posthumous) 45 Mercy Street (1976; posthumous) Anne Sexton: A Self Portrait in Letters, edited by Linda Gray Sexton and Lois Ames (1977; posthumous) Words for Dr.. (1978; posthumous) No Evil Star: Selected Essays, Interviews and Prose, edited by Steven E. Colburn (1985; posthumous) Children's books[edit] all co-written with Maxine Kumin 　 1963 Eggs of Things (illustrated by Leonard Shortall) 1964 More Eggs of Things (illustrated by Leonard Shortall) 1974 Joey and the Birthday Present (illustrated by Evaline Ness) 1975 The Wizard's Tears (illustrated by Evaline Ness)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_Sexton

[canaryatlaw]

So all in all, today was pretty good in a bunch of random little ways, which is cool. Alarm went off at 9:55, took the train to school. I sat next to the cutest baby on the train and he was looking at me the whole time just totally enthralled and it was so very cute so of course I was making faces at him for like half the train ride, haha. Got to school right on time for my 11:30 meeting with my field placement advisor, same one from last semester and my former LARC professor. Of course she's the perfect person for the job because she used to work in the office I work in and knows half the people that are there because of it, lol. We have to do the 3 meetings a semester as required, but at this point we've really talked through most of it so she was just asking me about what tasks they've been giving me and if I had any interesting cases, so I told her about the one I saw yesterday about the girl's whose arm was broken in four places from a "restraint" and of course she was horrified by the prospect and said it would probably be referred to special litigation for a suit against the residential facility, so that made me feel somewhat better about it. But yeah, it was a pleasant little meeting. After that I headed down to the PAD office to hang out and eat some lunch. My plan for this time was to bang out the rest of my LARC assignment, which I figured could take a while. I was debating with myself last night if I should wear or bring gym friendly clothes because Wednesday afternoons is one of my now designated "gym times," but I knew this was gonna take a while and then I had a haircut so I opted against it, but surprisingly the LARC assignment didn't take as long as I thought, pretty much just because I ran up against the word limit pretty quickly, and that's that. I know what I wrote is, objectively, good convincing legal writing, but I don't know if it follows the "formula" we're supposed to use for LARC which irritates me. I would probably put more work into it if it were actually be graded and not just a grade for handing it in, but even so it's not like I slacked off on it, I did put a solid amount of work in, so that's good. I was kind of annoyed I didn't have my gym clothes at that point, but in reality there was other stuff I needed to get done so it was probably good that I had a chance to do that. One of those things was getting the application done for the nonprofit in NYC I would like to intern at over the summer, which was interesting. They just wanted a cover letter, resume, unofficial transcript and writing sample, pretty basic, so I start writing my cover letter and I have to laugh because last year I was like struggling about what to put in a cover letter on applications, but now I literally have so much to say and talk about it was probably the longest cover letter in existence (it was almost the whole page) but I just had a lot to say and I think it was all good things to include. I just had to do the final touches on my resume, like update my GPA and changing my class rank from top 15% to top 10% (which, I have to say, was immensely gratifying). Unofficial transcript I can just get off online, so that's easy enough, so that just leaves the writing sample. They didn't give any parameters about length or anything on it, so I texted my dad and asked him if I should use one of my academic things I've written for LARC or if I should use the school memo I wrote over break, and he was like oh definitely the school memo so of course I went with that. It's like, 4 pages long, which is probably a bit long for a writing sample but I think it's all good. Of course since I was sharing it with a third party I was obligated to change the personal information, so I changed the name of the school to "Anchorage Christian School" because I figured Alaska would give them enough distance 😂 so that was good. It was just a debate between if they wanted like real world application versus the formulaic LARC stuff, and I think they would side on real world, so hopefully that'll work. It felt good to get all of that handled and turned in, since it's been in the back of my head as something I need to do for a while now. As I was getting ready to leave for my haircut, the PAD president came in and asked me if anyone has talked to me about the PAD mock trial team. One of the board members who's on the team sent out an email a few days ago basically as an SOS call that one of their members got injured and wouldn't be able to compete next month, so they needed an emergency replacement. Upon reading it I kind of had a feeling it was going to end up on my doorstep, just because of the experience I have and such, but I didn't do anything about it immediately because they practiced Tuesdays and Saturdays and I have class on Tuesdays, and that's generally a deal breaker, but it still managed to get back to me haha. The PAD president was apparently talking me up to them (he's on the school team) so I sent a tentative email saying I could maybe do it but couldn't do Tuesday practices, and then left for my haircut. As I was going down the stairs to the subway entrance there was a girl coming up and she's like "uh, you may not want to go down there, there's some guys fighting and it's not looking good" and sure enough I just hear two guys shouting at each other and random slamming into random things and such and I was like haha fuck no so I walked to the other end of the block to get in at that entrance cuz I ain't dealing with that shit. Sigh, Chicago. While on the train I got a phone call from last year's PAD president who's now one of their mock trial coaches, but since I was on the train I let it go to voicemail to deal with later. Got to ulta and saw my stylist, who immediately let spill that one of the girls in my class that she knows is pregnant, which I definitely didn't know haha but I'm sure I would find out soon enough. So that was interesting. But yeah, for the rest of it we just did our normal discussions, and we always have really good and satisfying discussions about things that I definitely enjoy. I had her do the same short cut I got in October when I was there last and then just got caught up with shit and let my hair get obscenely long and was driving me nuts so here I was again lol. Towards the end she was telling me that her cousin, who was a freshman in college, had attempted suicide a week before thanksgiving, and then had just attempted again two days ago, which is of course a very sad and difficult situation, and she wanted to hear my thoughts because she knows I'm somewhat of a mental health advocate (or at least I'd like to think I am. It's in my profile so it must be true, right?). Apparently he had been away at college, and after the first time didn't go back, but just started up again with the spring semester a few weeks ago, and he was like really insistent about going back to school which is totally understandable, the stress and the loneliness just kind of got to him, and he was saying things like "I don't want to die, I just don't know how to deal with these waves of depression." I started off by saying that no two people have the same mental health journey, and different people respond to treatment in different ways. I said he obviously needed to get into therapy that would teach him some coping skills for dealing with depressive episodes. He had been inpatient for a few days after the first one and is there again now, but I said if a longer-term inpatient program was available they might want to look into that, or at least some sort of group thing, hopefully among peers (though I imagine finding a group of teenage boys willing to participate in such a thing could definitely be a struggle). And yeah, he obviously wasn't ready to go back to school, and college can be a really big trigger for some people because it's such a life change and they just don't know how to deal with it. And of course I said try to avoid saying anything that would make him feel guilty because he's already overwhelmed with guilt, and to not treat him any different or like he's fragile, because that's not how anyone wants to be treated. She said she would tell her family what I said, so hopefully some of that could be helpful. I told her a little about my work with twloha at college and how so many have such a need for that sort of thing. He's out of school for now though, which is definitely a good move. I feel bad for his parents because I can imagine they're going through hell right now, to almost lose their son but decide to let him go back to school only for it to happen again, and now they're going to be terrified that they could pose him at any point, and I really can't imagine dealing with a child of yours being suicidal, like that has to be so so difficult for a parent, something I definitely didn't realize the extent of when I was younger, but I can see now that if I had killed myself, it would've completely destroyed and devastated my family and like....I'm just really glad I'm still here. Anyway. Left ulta and took the train back to school, heated up my food and headed to class for another session of crim pro. It's been an interesting class so far because the prof is very focused on like wanting to hear our opinions about issues in the criminal justice system and the specific questions she asks, which is cool, but like, means we don't always get into the cases and actual learning haha. Tonight we didn't actually start the cases until after the break when class was half over. She let us go at 8 though, so that was nice. Went home, and I was debating to watch Arrow or Frequency off my dvr, but I ended up being bad and staying up to watch both even though I have to be up at 7 am for work tomorrow. I watched Arrow first though, pretty much just because I was so curious to see what they were gonna do with Laurel/black siren, and it was....interesting. I didn't love it, but that's no surprise. There were some moments and some lines that were very good, but others just kind of fell flat for me. I kept getting stuck between wanting her to actually be willing to reform and become good again, but Oliver's like naive belief that he can make that happen makes me think it's not going to happen, lol, cuz he just makes it seem kind of unachievable, so I guess we'll see what happens there. I liked the Felicity not listening to Oliver just for kicks, haha, and I very much enjoyed the legal intricacies of the Diggle plot, and was quite satisfied with their conclusion there. I am definitely not a fan though of some random ass meta girl who has a sonic scream waltzing in there and just becoming the black canary because like......are you fucking kidding me? We're doing this again? Just stop, stop trying to replace Laurel and either do her justice or move on. You're just forcing comparison now, and there's a very slim chance you're going to beat your original work with Laurel. Like, just LET IT GO already. I do like that they kept the door open for more black siren, and I hope they take advantage of that because I want to see Katie Cassidy on my screen as much as possible. After that I went straight to Frequency, which of course was the season finale, and I was pretty happy with it! I knew they would have to pull something out after last week's conclusion, and I think they did an excellent job setting it up that everyone reasonably thought the deacon was the nightingale, but then were able to pull the rug out at the last minute in a way that's still actually entirely plausible, so I applaud them for not jumping the shark there. I was very entertained by the flipping back and forth and the world changing in the middle of a conversation so that you can't be talking to your mom about her patient because she just died but 20 years ago that is still playing out right now. Like, it's just so good. I felt bad for all the people that kind of became casualties, like Megan and Gordo's dad (poor Gordo, I know he didn't like his dad but no child deserves to have their father shot in front of them). And I knew her talking through the radio when the guy was there was gonna lead to him smashing it, lol, that was pretty predictable. The ending though, when she comes out of the garage and the house isn't lit up, holy shit I was ready to murder someone if they left us on a cliffhanger or just straight up killed her mom, because that would've been all kinds of awful and I really hate when shows legit don't wrap up a story just for the sake of having a cliffhanger. So I was happy to see the conclusion to that. They left it in a good place too that the story is finished, but they still left in the possibility for a second season (I don't think it's been renewed yet?) so I was glad to see that. And yeah, that was my day and I've officially rambled on for way too long here so I'm gonna end it now. Goodnight babes. Sleep well.

[fireplace-babear]

Entry #5 “10 Facts About Myself To Help Me Sleep At Night”

Tonight I’m playing a game I’m referring to as “10FAMTHMSAN” (or, the title). I don’t know why exactly but let’s dive in

1. As if because of some cosmic joke, I feel the strongest attraction to lesbians. Not like, lesbian porn, but rather, if I am very attracted to a girl, and I think she’s cute, she *is* a lesbian. My ex-girlfriend who still has the ideal body type to me and the ideal personality, is a lesbian.

2. I consider myself a “gamer”, but the hours that are displayed on any profile of mine for gameplay would tell you otherwise. Almost everyone I know who considers gaming a hobby has at least 1 if not 2 games in the 1000s of hours of gameplay, I have not yet done that once, and I’m not even close to it.

3. My username is a combination of my ideal spot for cuddling and the best date I never got to have. Fireplace in the dead of winter for cuddling, Build A Bear workshop for the date. To explain, I’ve wanted to go to Build-A-Bear since I was very young, and I know for a fact my ex-girlfriend was aware of this. She went with the boyfriend she had after me, despite him not really caring about the whole thing anyway. I’m sure she didn’t intentionally do that, but it hurt greatly.

4. I used to have a genuine distrust of trans people upon first meeting them. This is due to a past relationship I had with someone, which was horrible and emotionally manipulative and that’s when I figured out that no, they are not trans. They have multiple personality disorder, or whatever name it was changed to in the most recent DSM. To give you some perspective, I have a mtf trans friend. She is a good friend, and I don’t distrust her at all, and I have no problem calling her her because that’s what she is: a woman. I also have a ftm friend who I don’t distrust and call he because that’s what he is: a man. This person is not. This person was emotionally manipulative to everyone around them, including myself. They threatened me with breakups and suicide if they didn’t get what they wanted, and when I expressed doubts in the relationship, I was dismissed and then told that the reason for the relationship was because they felt bad for me. They then proceeded to tell everyone that I used them like a “plaything.” I was the one who comforted them because they couldn’t date a teacher they were obsessed with to the point of stalking. This person had a multitude of serious mental issues that they refused to seek help for. I was so emotionally scarred by the end of the relationship that my own mental health was affected for a long time afterwards and friends noticed a drastic personality change.

5. I have/had emotional regulation issues, primarily with anger. Ever since I was very young, I was “short-tempered”. This label excused my outbursts of rage until high school, at which point I recognized my own problem, along with the help of my mother and my ex-girlfriend-turned-best-friend. I am happy to say I’ve been in therapy since October of 2017 and my final session will be later this month to determine whether or not I’ve learned the proper skills to cope with my issues.

6. Once, in 8th grade, when doing the whole beginning of the year getting to know each othe routine, I put one of my facts about myself as “I am a brony.” I have not been one since pretty much 3 days after that and I don’t really care for anything to do with that fandom or show. Honestly, I have no idea what I was thinking.

7. Once, in high school, I was so desperate for love I considered homosexuality, then realized I wasn’t attracted to the same sex and would only be doing it to feel loved.

8. I still don’t know how to whistle. I have no idea why but I can only do it while breathing in.

9. I have a hazy memory of my older brother coercing me into performing oral on him when I was 7-10 years old. It’s just hazy enough to where I don’t know whether it was just some strange dream or real, which is why I’ve never spoken to him about it, as well as the fact that honestly, I don’t care.

10. I discovered pornography in the 3rd grade. I did not discover masturbation until the 7th grade. I literally like, didn’t know what I was supposed to do, I just knew watching it felt good. A little subfact within the fact for you: the first time I masturbated, I wasn’t watching anything pornographic. In fact, the TV was on and playing an infomercial about fish bait or lures or something like that.

Those are 10 facts about me. To clarify, the reason this helps me sleep is because I’ve noticed if I start typing something or writing something autobiographical in some sense, I get tired very quickly. Also, there are a couple of people who might actually know who I am if they ever find this, which is honestly a kind of funny thought to me. If you think you know who I am, literally DM me, don’t even be shy or scared or anything, I wanna know.

[dinakaplan]

Who Inspires You? … Meet my Client Mary Ann Quinn!

FRIENDS! How are you!? Gosh, I can’t believe it’s already (past) mid-October. I went from wearing shorts to a winter jacket all within 24 hours.

With a new season comes new goals.

Do you ever feel like certain times of the year are an opportunity for growth and change? I look at a new season as a new chance to start fresh and really zone in on my goals.

When it comes to achieving those goals, surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals is always an awesome way to stay motivated, accountable, & inspired to keep moving forward.

When my friends at ADIDAS launched a new series and asked me “Who inspires you?” the first person that came to mind is my Mom (hi Kath!) because we literally do the same thing for a living (I learned from the best!) and she inspires me daily. The only issue is that we don’t live in the same town (she’s in Pittsburgh and I’m in Rhode Island) so I wanted to pick someone local to feature.

Now, ALL of my clients inspire me daily and I would totally do a post on all of them (which I should!) but my girl Mary Ann has quite the story with her wellness journey that I’ve been blessed to be a part of and I knew she could inspire people by sharing it.

Mary Ann and I met when I first moved to Rhode Island and had no job, no contacts, and honestly didn’t know what my next steps would be.

Our girl Dana (with whom I connected with via Instagram before moving to Rhode Island) reached out to a bunch of her Soccer Mom friends about giving this Trainer a chance to train their soccer daughters!

Thank goodness they all believed in me and to this day, I am so thankful that they gave me a chance and trusted me with their daughter’s strength and conditioning. It has truly been life changing for me.

Through training Mary Ann’s Daughter, Kaleigh, Mary Ann and I started also working together almost 2.5 years ago.

She had recently lost her sweet mom and was looking to focus on herself to stay strong for her and her family.

This woman is full of strength.

She amazes me always with her smile, energy, & her rawness.

In the beginning of her journey, it wasn’t even about the workouts.

Sure…we got the workouts in…but we also would spend a whole hour after the workout just journaling & more so having a therapy session where we both grew so much.

She will be the first to tell you that STRENGTH doesn’t always happen just in the workouts.

You’ve got to work on your mental strength, sometimes even before the workouts, in order to keep going on this journey to a stronger you.

She’s taught me so much as a Trainer. She’s taught me to trust the process with each individual client and just to be a support system and an ear to listen because they will let you know when they are ready to move to the next step.

I’m lucky to say that all of my clients are truly family to me and Mary Ann is one of my cool “aunties” in Rhode Island.

We got to shoot a photoshoot with my girl Mikayla Pasco Photography for this ADIDAS campaign and it was SO fun.

Mary Ann will be the first to say that she isn’t the most comfortable being the center of attention — but this also was such a GROWING experience for her to step out of her comfort zone (in a sweet TANK TOP!), & show her strength.

These pictures show our relationship — smiling, laughing, and just “getting” each other.

I’m so proud of you Mary Ann and I’m so thankful to chose me to be a part of your journey.

Outfit details: Crossback Tank Top, Believe This 7/8 Tight, PureBoost Shoes.

Let’s get into the Q&A!

1) How long have you been working with Kasey & what made you want to start with a personal trainer?

I have been working with Kasey for about 2 and half years.  I had recently lost my mom and had gone through a difficult period emotionally.  I wanted to be stronger for myself and my daughters and knew that I needed help with accountability on my new journey.

2) What does strength mean to you?

Strength is very emotional for me.  It is definitely a combination of mental and physical.  For me I had to work on my mental strength before I could focus on my physical strength.  I had to believe in myself and what i was capable of doing.

3) Talk about an improvement you’ve seen in yourself while being on this journey?

I truly believe that I have become more comfortable in my own skin. I still have a way to go as far as my weight loss journey. But I have been able to appreciate and celebrate daily wins.  Wearing shorts for the first time in years this summer, wearing tank tops to work out- really such a huge step for me.

4) What’s your biggest tip to anyone out there looking for some motivation? 

One Day at Time- find your daily win! Write it out, hang it up, keep a journal.  Focusing on the daily win has been huge for me!

5) What’s your favorite exercise & why?

Anything with weights- deadlifts, overhead presses- I feel strong and badass!!

6) What’s your go-to quick snack?

 Healthy Warrior-chia seed bars or Evolve protein shake

7) Share a proud moment where you wanted to give yourself a pat on the back?

Signing up for the rugged maniac and not quitting until i had to leave the course in a golf cart. So outside of my comfort zone, but it had been a bucket list item for me.

8) Who inspires you?

Kasey- so hard working and so accomplished at such a young age. Christine Onofre- my strong instructor- juggling a million things, family, work and health. Her weight loss journey is inspiring and she pushes me hard!  Lisa Cabral-that girl is amazing and always showing up with a smile on her face. My mom continues to inspire me- she was quietly confident and instilled confidence and faith in all of us- I am in awe of the grace and faith she had throughout her life.

9) Anything else you’d like to add?

The personal journey of emotional and physical health is one that so many people begin but are not always motivated or supported to finish.  There is something to be said about surrounding yourself with like-minded people who are willing to be a part of your journey. I have found such confidence through working with Kasey and being a part of the amazing community at the local Recreation Center.  It is important to have people who believe in you, especially when you do not believe in yourself.

Be true to you always,

xo Kasey (and Mary Ann!)

      This post is sponsored by my friends at ADIDAS but all opinions are my own, as always!

  [Read More ...] http://www.powercakes.net/whoinspiresyouadidas/

[ralphmorgan-blog1]

Saving the twins: Health scares and rehab for once-conjoined boys

Valhalla, New York (CNN)Nicole McDonald eases her silver minivan across Bear Mountain Bridge and hooks a right onto the steep two-lane highway.

The road twists like a snake up the mountainous incline, an old route where the road's edge blends into beautiful greenery and perilous cliffs overlook the Hudson River. Where your knuckles turn white from clutching the steering wheel and a knot grows in your belly.

Nicole makes this trip every day from her home in upstate New York to see her twin sons, Jadon and Anias. The 21-month-old boys are at Blythedale Children's Hospital 40 miles to the south, where they've been undergoing rehabilitation since mid-December. The twins, born joined at the head, captured the world's attention after a marathon surgery to separate them last fall.

The journey to go see them, Nicole says, is similar to the one her boys have been through: setbacks and victories, nerve-wracking and awe-inspiring.

"It's like climbing a mountain," she says, "and you get to the place you thought was the top only to realize you have another mile to go and you don't have the supplies for it."

She thinks back to a moment weeks earlier when she reached a breaking point. Jadon and Anias had been sick off and on for nearly a month. Her other child, 3-year-old Aza, battled high fevers and croup. Amid it all, Mom got sick.

But after a few days, finally, it seemed everyone was healthy. Nicole visited the boys at the rehabilitation center. Jadon fell asleep in his crib, and she worked to put Anias down. He was laughing, but in an instant, he unleashed a scream and vomited. Again and again, until nothing was left.

Nicole stood, drenched in vomit, and held her 25-pound boy for more than six hours. Then, Jadon awoke, "just puking nonstop." She wondered why, after everything her boys have gone through, they couldn't seem to catch a break.

In that moment, she closed her eyes. "I quit," she thought. "I can't do this anymore."

A 360 look inside the operating room during the boys' surgery

Seconds later, though, she snapped back. Amid the desperate exhaustion, she found strength. She became more focused, more determined, more resilient. Her boys needed her. Her family needed her.

She didn't sleep for two days, tending to their every need.

A physical therapist by training, she learned that she could rely on her instincts -- and that no matter what was thrown at her, she was strong enough to take it.

"My 'I quit' moment shoved me into the mindset of 'I can do this,' " she says. "Not only can I handle it, I can handle it on my own. It was about being free, even though it's hard."

She took that moment almost like a rallying cry for her boys. And she found it both exhilarating and rewarding: "I can be their mom without some nurse coming in every two seconds. Eventually, I'm going to have to do this at home. It was proof for me in that 'I quit' moment that I can."

What drives her is the sheer joy that spreads across her boys' faces when she enters their room. Most of all, she just wants to bring them home.

She mashes the accelerator on the road to see her boys.

'Just trying to survive'

Christian McDonald climbs the extension ladder and rips rotted wall studs from the outside of the family's split-level ranch house. His shirt is peeled off, and sweat drips from his chin.

While Nicole works with the boys, Christian works to ready their newly purchased home for the twins' return. The work has allowed the former truck driver to return to his blue-collar roots. Knocking down walls and ripping up siding has been good for his soul, a way to relieve the stress of dealing with everything Jadon and Anias have gone through.

The wood-shingled house, nestled in Orange County with views of the Catskill Mountains, is the family's third home in less than two years.

In February 2016, they transported their lives from small-town Illinois to the Bronx to be near the Children's Hospital at Montefiore Medical Center, where the twins' surgery took place. They lived in a rental home for more than a year.

Once the twins were moved to rehab at Blythedale, in Valhalla, the family moved too -- in part to get away from the hectic pace of the city.

The house, which had been a foreclosure, is in need of what a real estate agent might call "a little TLC." The stairs leading up to the front door have been demolished -- one of many projects on Christian's to-do list. He's refinished one bathroom, turning it into showroom quality.

Nicole and Christian hope to flip the home eventually; they say they wouldn't have been able to afford it if not for strangers who donated more than $330,000on their GoFundMe page. Neither parent has been able to work since their journey to New York began.

"We're just trying to survive, really," says Nicole, "and this is how we're trying to survive."

Christian says he doesn't quite understand why so many people have found inspiration in their story. In his view, he and Nicole are just regular folks going through an ordeal, not too much different from other families with sick children. He's grateful and thankful not just for the donations but for all the messages of support.

Nicole draws inspiration from them, too. She holds one note especially close, written by a woman who said she had planned to commit suicide until she read about the McDonalds' struggle and found hope in their story.

Even with the ongoing renovations, their home feels warm and inviting. The message on one living room wall reads "Live, Laugh, Love." On the other, "Peace, Love, Dream." Collages of photographs show the boys from before and after the 27-hour surgery in mid-October.

The McDonalds gave CNN exclusive access to the surgery and allowed us to follow them in the months since. Their story will be featured in an hour-long special, "Separated: Saving the Twins," hosted by CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Sanjay Gupta on Friday night at 10 ET.

Much has changed since the surgery. Although it might have been the most difficult medical task, the parents knew what to expect. The doctors essentially gave them a road map of the procedure and the care that would follow. Emotionally, they were prepared.

But rehab has been different: filled with sick boys, constant worry and extreme ups and downs. While the care has been great, the parents say, there was just no way to be prepared for the various health scares.

"Every day is a new day with a new challenge," Nicole says. "It has literally been the journey of sickness for the last couple months."

One night, a feverish Anias suffered a lengthy seizure and stopped breathing when his temperature rose too high, too fast. Two fluid-filled cysts have emerged on the top of his scalp, doubling his head's normal weight. He had to have his skull cap removed due to infection and will undergo another surgery when he is 7 to insert bone.

Jadon has battled infection, too. Dissolvable plates that were inserted during the surgery have pushed up through his scalp. "I pull out pieces of plate from his head," Nicole says, "and every day, it breaks my heart."

How do they maintain a semblance of sanity amid the stress?

"Those little smiling faces when you walk in," says Christian. "They smile so big at you, and they get so excited to see you. ... It's amazing how happy they are.

"Everything they go through, they're just always smiling and happy. We learn a lot from them."

Excited boys, ecstatic mom

Nicole pops into the boys' room at Blythedale. The two are sitting in high chairs in opposite corners. Their faces immediately light up at her presence, and their arms and legs kick excitedly.

She rushes to Anias first and smothers him in kisses. "Anias, I see you," Nicole shouts.

She admires his onesie adorned with images of a magnet and a baby chicken. "Chick magnet," it reads.

"I love your shirt today," Nicole says.

Across the room, Jadon points to the buckles keeping him locked in his chair, as if to say, "Undo these, please!"

Nicole rushes to see him, unbuckling his strap and lifting him into her arms. She gives him kisses. He responds with kisses of his own. "Thank you for the kisses," she says. "Now your brother is jealous. We've got to go get him."

They join Anias in his section of the room. A physical therapist soon enters and takes Jadon away for a 30-minute session. As he's leaving, he blows his mom a kiss and tells her, "Bye."

This has been their life on the good days: moments of sheer joy and love.

In addition to physical therapy, the boys receive speech and occupational therapy.

Jadon has started doing block puzzles and making animal noises. His expressive language is also about that of a 9-month-old. He rolls across the room, lifts his head and sits up by himself. He learns new tasks fast. He can roll a ball while he's sitting, and he can get up on his hands and knees and rock back and forth.

Anias is still learning what things are. His speech is delayed. He makes sounds like "bah-bah-bah" during speech therapy and is able to say "da-da."

The physical therapist in Nicole has prepared her well. She works with Anias on getting him to stand and track objects with his eyes. Because he struggles with his right side, she places toys on that side to make him work harder. He'll track the toy and then roll, lift his head and stretch ever so gingerly with his right hand.

"He's my slow, steady turtle," Nicole says. "Anias is going to do it all. It's just going to take more time."

Lead neurosurgeon Dr. James Goodrich and lead plastic surgeon Dr. Oren Tepper say they are pleased with how the boys are progressing. The situation is understandably stressful for the parents and the boys, but from a medical standpoint, the twins are doing well.

In the weeks after the surgery, Goodrich's biggest concerns were bleeding, fluid buildup and infection of tissue surrounding the brain.

"We've been able to avoid all of that, which is very gratifying," he says. "In rehab, they're actually starting to develop what infants are supposed to do in the sense of being able to sit, stand, hold their heads, and starting to stand with assistance."

Tepper adds, "I can tell you the trajectory looks very good for both boys right now. (Their infections) have been local with no signs of meningitis, which would be essentially an infection surrounding the brain or something deep. Neither one have had any problems like that."

Both credit Nicole for getting the boys this far -- a combination of her effusive love and her years as a physical therapist.

"Nicole's abilities as a parent and skills as a medical professional are really quite unique," says Goodrich. "She has spent every day, pre- and post-surgeries, strengthening Jadon and Anias, in every respect, from physical therapy to wound care management to interaction and play time. She has dedicated herself to helping them thrive."

Her husband says simply, "She is Superwoman."

The real work, she says, will begin when she and Christian can bring their boys home. Jadon's wound dressings have to be changed twice a day. Anias eats via a tube every four to six hours. There will be diapers to change, mouths to feed and constant tasks. In between, she'll have to dedicate time to her 3-year-old, Aza.

Still, she's looking forward to the job.

Her plan is to work with Jadon and Anias on simple tasks, getting them to repeat each one 20 to 30 times so they can thrive. "Every way that I hold them, every way that I sit them, every way that I position them is in thinking with what's going to improve their condition," Nicole says.

She says she can tell Anias will have some delays and is eager to work consistently with him. "I can foresee him walking, and I can see him doing all the things he needs to do to function in a community and in his home environment," she says.

"I just want to get them home so I can practice with them all day long."

Late last week, Nicole and Christian learned that may soon happen. A doctor at Blythedale told them the subject of Jadon and Anias going home was brought up at the medical team's weekly meeting.

"I don't want to scare you with this concept," the doctor said, "but what do you think about moving in this direction?"

Nicole's heart swelled. She says she nearly jumped out of her chair. She's thought about that moment almost all day, every day. The picture is clear in her mind: She and Christian are sitting in their living room, each holding one of the boys, while Aza runs up and hugs them. There's no worry about them being sick or sleeping in a sterile hospital room without their mother.

"It's just bliss," she says.

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She's thought of practical things too, like getting them cribs and preparing their room.

"We just want to be a family," Christian says.

The date of their return home has not been set, but the preparation has begun.

It's the start of making their family whole. A new life, together.

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