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itbe-jess · 3 years

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Masklophobia: Chapter 6

Karl's Paradise- 02x04: My Webby Valentine

Now onto the 4th episode of the 2nd season. It's a... ...god damn Valentine's Day special. As you can tell by the title. Anyways, let's dive right in, shall we?

The episode begins with that hillbilly lizard, who's at the start of every episode, taking a nap by the "Welcome to the Paradise" sign. He then awakens, yawns, then a cartoon bee flew into his mouth. He choked for a while, then eventually spat it out. Next, the show pans to the Paradise town, festive in Valentine's Day decorations. We witness a lot of heteronormativity coming from the stock puppet characters. After that, we cut to the Paradise Critters.

More random puppet characters are fishing by the lake, when Fins popped up, holding a bouquet of roses, saying "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! *Chuckles*" The fisher puppets come to take a closer look at the roses, and sniff them, but then water had sprayed out. She laughed, then presented them with real roses as a "No hard feelings" apology.

Cut to Junior; He was in school, where his classmates were having a card exchange. A female student (named Shirley) was two seats away from him. Shirley was a dog puppet, with pigtail like ears, and she appeared to be checking Junior out. Ughhhh, forced romance on eight year-olds. She stared at Junior as she watched him sort through his box of cards, just carelessly shuffling and making himself a mess. The mammoth stopped as he picked something up: Chocolate candies with a card attached. Shirley seemed to be fullfilled, implying that it came from her. Unfortunately, Junior crumbled up the card, tossed it aside, then ate the candies. Shirley was left heartbroken. "Boys..."

We then now cut to the Happy Belly Diner. Yum-Yum was placing a bunch of Valentines Day treats, including a punch bowl, on the counter. Barkstone and Saxxo stared in awe. Mama LongLegs was in the background, hovering over a bowl of soup. Back to Yum-Yum, she said that King Karl had chosen her to be the caterer for this year's Valentine's Day ballroom party. She let Saxxo have a sample of one of them. After trying one, he commented with glee.

"Mmm, mmm mmm! This some hearty, heart filled goodness right here, Yums! Although... Maybe ah should try another batch-"

"Don't you dare, honey! These are for the Lovers Ball! But... ...if you're still hungry, I whipped you up a special Valentine gift."

Yum-Yum presented Saxxo with a small gift box. Inside the box were Valentine's Day sugar cookies, shaped like hearts.

"Aw, mama, this awfully SWEET of you. Wish ah had the time to make you somethin'."

"No need for that. Just keep up with them soothin', jim-dandy melodies."

"Oh! Perhaps ah can treat you to a personal, live performance. You gonna dig this tune! Ah wrote it specially for the Lovers Ball!"

"Interesting. Do you have a name for it?" Asked Barkstone.

"Yes indeedy, man! It's called 'Gonna Take Super Sticky Glue To Keep Me Close To You!'"

While Saxxo played some smooth jazz on his saxophone, the next segment transitioned. It was a beautiful, pencil drawn animation, with a harp score, about a cupid helping a sad, lonely boy cheer up by hooking him up with a girl. ... Apparently, romance is the key to find happiness. Good animation. Bad message.

We're back to the Happy Belly Diner scene, except it's filmed from the outside, with Van Goose coming up. Before she enters the diner, she ran into Mama LongLegs coming out.

"Hahppy Vahlentine's day, Meess LahngLegs!"

"Ohhhh, *Stomps foot down* bah humbug!"

The spider storms away angrily, leaving Van Goose confused. As she entered, Saxxo stops and greets the bird.

"Ees eet just me, or ees LahngLegs up een seex ahrms?"

"Mm. It ain't just you, babeh. She has been quiet around this room, sittin' all by herself while lookin' so gloom." Said Saxxo.

"I'll say. She ordered herself some soup, and told me to hold the fly." Said Yum-Yum.

"Fortunately, there is a basis behind this tale. The poor lady arachnid is faced with another lonely episode on the most romantic day of the year! The day where she once believed she had a chance to find the love she's been yearning for, but now accepted the fact that it would just turn out the same dull way as always. Well, it's not her fault for being so unattractive." Said Barkstone.

Saxxo and Yum-Yum both smacked the blue dog for that last statement. The four fell into a discussion on how they wanted to cheer Mama LongLegs up. Barkstone suggested that they let her be. Yum-Yum suggested that they find a man for her, who won't be repulsed by her looks. (Maybe a literal blind date) Saxxo suggested they each give her a gift to make her feel better. Suddenly, a lightbulb appeared over Van Goose's head, indicating that she had an idea.

We pan to the outside of LongLegs's cottage, then inside of her cottage, where we find her knitting webs. She made herself a sweater, complained about how ugly it looked, then dealt with the fact that she might as well wear an ugly sweater, since she would never catch true love anyways. The doorbell rang. LongLegs threw her sweater on the floor, then marched angrily to answer the door.

"Can't a lady go through an emotional state in peace?!"

Nobody was there. Well, something was there. On her doorstep, there was a basket, which contents were a bouquet of flowers, a heart shaped box, and an envelope sealed off with a heart sticker. She took the basket inside. The flowers were an assortment of different colors and varieties, and smelled like a breezy garden. Inside the box were chocolate covered grasshoppers. They looked yummy, and tasted like they came from an expensive candy store. The letter was a romantic poem.

"Each passing day and each passing night, I wish I could keep you in my sight. With your stellar talent, I knew you had broke the mold. All six arms of yours I wish to hold. Let's reprise Miss Muffet, add in a little twist. Whereas instead of running away, it ends with a kiss. You are the spice providing the flavor. I'd like to meet you sometime later. With love... ...your secret admirer."

Mama LongLegs was so delighted, she began to break into song. I am not gonna recite it for you. It's pretty forgettable. Anyways, it was about her wondering what her secret admirer is like. Is he tall, short, fair, or dark? Is he slender, or a brawny champ? Is he an elegant duke, or a wild bad boy? Throughout the song, we are taken into her cartoon visualizations. She imagined her man to be another spider of some sort. Marvel Comics' Spider-Man was deemed the "brawny champ" of the song.

"I don't know what he is, or what he looks like. All I know is that I finally found someone who admires me deeply. Wait, 'I'd like to meet you sometime later.' *Happily squeals* Ohhh boy! Ohhh girl! I betcha he'll be there at the Lovers Ball! Oh, but what shall I wear? I can't be seen in this old thing on a special night like this! How's my breath?! My hair is way too uptight!"

Meanwhile, watching from the window outside;

"'I'd like to meet you sahmetime lahtair?' ees zat whaht we wahnted hare to believe?!" Van Goose snapped.

"I'm sorry, babeh. Ah was runnin' low on time to tell a rhyme, so ah improvised. Is that a crime?" Saxxo replied.

"What if we just tell her that the Lovers Ball is probably not the time her secret admirer had in mind?" Asked Yum-Yum.

"Because zen she'd question us on how we knew zat hare secret ahdmeerair wahnted to meet hare sahmetime lahtair. eet just gives eet ahll ahway."

"You have a good point. What do we do now?"

Unfortunately for Barkstone, he had plans.

"I'd love to help you untangle out of this WEB, but I have to get ready for the Lovers Ball tonight. I have a date with a purebred Maltese!"

The magician dog disappeared in a puff of smoke. The three other Critters coughed, and started fanning away the smoke.

"Why, I don't believe him! There's only five hours away till the ball, and he just gave us the bum's rush! Boy am I surprised he managed to land himself a date."

Yum-Yum's complaint gave Van Goose a new idea.

"I sink I cahme up weeth a new nahtion!"

"Sink is right. We sure sunk."

"No, Saxxo, no! Sink! Sink! Idea! I mean I've gaht a new plahn!"

"New plan? Well, why didn't ya say so? Lay it on us!"

"You see: LahngLegs ees hahpeeng fahr hare secret ahdmeerair to be ze perfect mahn, right? Hut whaht eef we try to cahnveence hare zat he's naht whaht she'd expect?"

Yum-Yum and Saxxo liked the plan, and they slapped both of Van Goose's wings a high-five. We cut to the next skit, where it's a humorous cartoon that tells the tale about animals "expressing their love" in different ways than humans. I'm pretty sure that's what animals do before they mate. Of course, kid shows shouldn't let kiddies know that the animals fuck.

Now we're down to the LabRat segment. Same opening with the eerie enterance and organ music, blah blah blah. Pan to LabRat. It appears he is working on one of those chemical setups. I don't know science, sorry. All the chemicals are then transferred into this cologne bottle, then the rat seals it. Eger appears, and he has a potted flower on his head for no reason.

"Hello, master!"

"Why hi, Eger. How has- Eger, you have a potted flower on your head."

"Ohhhhh, that's funny! So do I! Anyways; Happy Valentine's Day, master!"

Eger gives LabRat a Valentine card, where it said "You blinded me with science."

"Awwwwww, Eger, you shouldn't have. Really."

"So, what did you get me?"

LabRat panicked for a moment, and searched around his labcoat to find something. He then pointed to a fake distraction so that Eger would turn his head. LabRat grabbed the potted flower, and gave it to him.

"It's lovely! Now I have a match for the one on my head! So, what have you been cooking up, master?"

"Oh, it's a device that will put an end to all loneliness."

"An ever-lasting pet rock?"

"No! Even better! *Turns the bottle around to reveal the labled name* A love potion!"

"Love potion? Love potion, master?"

"Yes, love potion! By just applying a small dose of this highly concentrated pheromone, the scent will lure in the love of your life!"

"Master, I don't think it's a good idea to force love on someone like that. Love takes time."

"Love takes forever. (Or in my highschool case, love takes never)"

"But master, it doesn't sound right! Love is too precious to mess with! A girl has a life of her own, you know? Why not just use the basic steps to winning the female species?"

Damn, this is probably the only time Eger had some decent sense. Also, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear the term "female species." Eger then brought out a presentation board with all the steps.

"Try being nice to her, like she were a person like you. Talk to each other to find out what you like in one another. Give her some pretty flowers. Then that's it! You don't need no stinkin' love potion."

"You have pointed out some very good details, Eger. But with my pride, the heck with it! I need a date to the Lovers Ball!"

Dismissing Eger's advice, LabRat told his assistant to stand by the door. He dabbed himself with the love potion, only at his arms and behind one of his ears. Then he told Eger to release the test subjects. Eger opened the door, to let in a couple of female puppet characters. If they were standing outside of the cellar this whole time, how come we didn't see them in the segment's intro? LabRat freshened his breath with breath spray and he put on a bowtie.

One of them approached the rat. Instead of giving him affection, she slapped him across the face. Another one came over, and stomped on his foot. The third one pushed him over. Finally, they all joined together for a good rat beating. Can't say he didn't deserve it. When they were done, the ladies exited the cellar in disgust. We pan to LabRat lying belly down on the floor. Eger hovered over him. When LabRat asked Eger to help him up, he just hit him on the snout.

"Bad master!"

Eger left to join the ladies, leaving LabRat alone in his lab. Groaning in pain, the rat picked himself up, using the nearby counter for support.

"Ya know, I've truly learned something from all of this."

You may think he has learned his lesson on not to probe a woman's feelings, but no, he decided to relabel his new invention as "hate potion."

The last animated skit of the episode, we watch yet another lovely animation (stop motion) about candy hearts forming the word "Valentine," then into a beating heart. We then transition to the night scene, outside of the Lovers Ball. Pan to inside, everyone is having a ball. Dancing with their partners, eating, drinking punch. Saxxo was performing on stage. Slouch was the security, but currently sleeping on the job.

Barkstone was wearing a black tuxedo, Yum-Yum wore a skirt and some jewerly, Saxxo wore a sequin suit, Van Goose wore a white tuxedo top, and Mama LongLegs had a red dress, pearl necklace, and her hair tied in a ponytail. Speaking of Mama LongLegs, she was sitting at a table for two, all by herself. Van Goose was at the buffet table, getting herself some punch, while watching the poor spider await for her Prince Charming. A pig puppet approached her table.

"Is this seat taken, ma'am?"

"Yes!"

"By who?"

"My dreamboat, that's who!"

"Where is he?"

"He'll be here, eventually!"

"Has he arrived yet?"

"No, but he will!"

"Mind if I warm up this chair for him while you wait?"

"TO THE MOON, PORKCHOPS!"

Mama LongLegs raised her voice, causing the pig to scurry. Van Goose went over to Yum-Yum, who brought over another tray of hors d'oeuvres, and told her to act now. The bear came up to LongLegs' table, helping herself to a seat. LongLegs was confused at first, because she was expecting a man.

"Hey, LongLegs. How have you been, hun?"

"Ahhh, I've been doing fabulous now that I've found love on this day to celebrate! Heeheehee. Now please get out of that chair before he gets here and thinks I gave his seat away."

"Oh, you met someone? I'm very happy for you! What's this fella like?"

"Well, we didn't exactly met, but we're expecting to meet here, at the Lovers Ball. He implied it in the letter he sent me. *Gives letter to Yum-Yum* Along with some chocolate covered grasshoppers and fragrant flowers. Now, may you pardon yourself-"

"*Pretends to read note* Oh my goodness. Uh-uh, oh my goodness. Tsk tsk tsk."

"What is it?"

"Hun, I think I recognize this handwriting. I don't know his name in particular, but I do know who this came from. This dude dropped by the Happy Belly Diner a few weeks back. Gracious, I've never seen such a messy eater in my life. He slurps his stew, shoves his entire plate clean in one bite, and digs his face, literally, into his dessert. Talk about animal manners. Messy, messy, messy."

"Ooooooohhh, sounds like he has the appetite of a real predator! I like that in guys."

Well, that failed nicely. After being politely asked to move from the chair one last time, Yum-Yum excused herself. She then broke the news to Van Goose, on how LongLegs was excited to know that there's someone who eats more disgustingly than her. Van Goose decided to ask Saxxo next. Meanwhile, Yum-Yum found a sad, lonely old man. ...dog. Drowning his sorrows in punch.

"You seem under the weather there, Barkstone."

"Well don't rain on my parade."

"Had trouble with your date?"

"Like that's any of your business!"

"Okay-"

"She left me for this feeble, puny little Chihuahua. I'll never understand women."

Elsewhere, Saxxo was playing the tune he showed us earlier in the episode. Suddenly, Van Goose called him from behind the red curtains. The show still had to go on, so Saxxo put someone else in his place. A rabbit puppet that played the spoons. Saxxo went behind the red curtains, then came out covered in roller bandages, and walked with a cane. King Karl witnessed the whole affair, which got him to be suspicious. The tiger limped as fast as he could to Mama LongLegs.

"Oh jeez, Saxxo! What happened to you?!"

"That fella... Your secret admirer... Earlier that day, Ah was just all cool, playin' mah music to go, when ah bumped into HIM! He a bad dude! I'm not talkin' bout the good kind of bad!"

"HE did this to you?"

"Uh-huh. I wanted to pass by, and forget the whole thang ever happened, but this man got issues! He battered me to a pulp, and was well aware that ah was uncapable of defending myself. Look at dis body and say otherwise!"

"Golly! He must be such a strong, sturdy hunk! (I think I'm in love!)"

"What about me?!"

"Well, you did bump into him without saying 'excuse me.'"

That plan backfired as well. The only option left was to tell Mama LongLegs the truth. Before Van Goose got to say anything to LongLegs, Barkstone made a dramatic entrance with a puff of smoke. He was now sitting in that chair, wearing a ridiculous spider costume, and a false mustace.

"Sorry I'm late, madam! My limo needed repair. Might I introduce myself: I am John George Henry Lewis Raphael III! Owner of the largest oil company in the Paradise, and The First National Kidney Donor Bank!"

Van Goose tugged Barkstone by his false mustace and whispered into his ear.

"Bahrkstahne, whaht ahre you doing?"

"Helping out, of course. You owe me big time in this, by the way."

The dog continued to chat with LongLegs. You couldn't tell by her face, but her tone showed that she wasn't falling for it. ...and ready to kill.

"My, you sure are lovely on this fine night! Did anyone ever tell you that you look better in the dark lighting?"

"Barkstone... ...what is this?"

King Karl appeared and asked "Yes, what is this," but in a lighthearted manner. After Van Goose painfully tore off the false mustace from Barkstone's face, she explained everything. Since LongLegs' bad mood and losing hope in Valentine's Day, Van Goose decided to make up a fake admirer so that LongLegs knows that she is loved. Barkstone provided the flowers (magically), Yum-Yum made the chocolate covered grasshoppers, and Saxxo wrote the poem. Van Goose guided them.

She also explained that they never intented to have this secret admirer meet Mama LongLegs, but had no choice because Saxxo got carried away in the rhymes. King Karl lectured the four Critters. He told them that it's never okay to fool somebody's feelings, and quotes that love is too delicate to mess with. There are many alternatives to making your friends happy, especially on Valentine's Day. Van Goose timidly stepped up to Mama LongLegs, and apologized for all that has happened.

"We're ahll equally sahrry, LahngLegs. We just wahnted to mahke you hahppy, ahnd breeng your speerit een Vahlentine's Day bahck, because we cahre fahr you. We nevair meant to breeng such hahrm."

Mama LongLegs hesitated for a moment.

"As much as I want to be mad at you, it's just impossible knowing I have friends who love me so much. I guess the best Valentine a woman can ever have is her own friends."

Van Goose and Mama LongLegs hugged things out. The others joined in too, even Barkstone, only because the moment was too heartwarming to ignore. Before the episode ends for good, and the credits roll, it's Paradise Fun-Time, which Van Goose shows us how to make crafty Valentine's Day cards. Seems more relevant than any of the hacks from 5-Minute Crafts. Catch you later, loves!

#The Banana Splits Movie #remake #horror #Masklophobia #original characters

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