#lone plays xenogears

[hoshizoralone]

[radicaldreamer017]

Have you ever felt so strongly for a ship because it meant the world to you when you were in a bad place... but as you grew up/time passed, you started to see cracks in the « perfect soulmate babies » picture you made for yourself and started to understand why others may not ship it and favor the rival ships instead.

So your heart is torn because you still love them (overall actors chemistry, in fanfics, some scenes, some tropes) but another side of you wish they could go back in time, burst the TBTB’s door and change the way the pairing was written/played at times.

It just sucks to feel like you have both a pro and anti shipper living inside your brain as a adult... to the point it would physically hurt to rewatch the show... fearing your love for this ship, something that was almost emotional support in your younger life, would get blown to pieces for good by your more pronounced critical mind now that you’re not a naive hormonal, lonely and depressed (I’m still depressed and lonely though... it may even be worse now) 14 years old anymore.

On the other hand, I’m still down for great fics and taking out of context pictures to play with them and make « new scenes » I wish we could have gotten (good thing I can draw... because I’m not super trained/talented at the fanfic part... maybe I am a bit insecure when it’s about more personal ships... but truth be told, even my Xenogears writing has been minimal... I feel way too green to undertake big writing/drawing projects... though... to be honest, my staling also has to do with being discouraged by the Xeno series atm... wonder if this is also depression related or if I should admit to myself I changed and Xeno, this other thing that was important to me back then, has too lost its spark).

In the end, it highlights how important fandom is. Sure, you have to suffer the haters trying to ruin it for you (and sometimes, the hater is within you, telling you your favorite thing may actually suck at times)... but the fanwork creativity, the canon fixing, the healing on your wound... It’s precious. I just wish I/we didn’t need it for this particular ship. It deserved better. Any time I come across dissing/criticism towards this ship, it cuts to the core... not only because it’s unpleasant... but because one side of you may be like « they’re right, you know ».

I guess anyone who follow me for a while knows which ship I’m angsting over.

[betsuniisan]

2017 in review and 2018

2017:  I ended up moving to Eau Claire in early January.

It wasn’t my first choice, but it offered a place I could get together with friends while not paying ridiculous amounts in rent (Talking about 200-300 more a month) It also gave me a place with faster internet in which I could download anything I needed.

I spent a cumulative total of close to a month or two there. While it was great for entertaining evenings with friends, the days I was there by myself were pretty lonely, and given my previous experiences with Eau Claire, I had run out of avenues that I felt optimistic about exploring for new friends (not to mention I lacked a lot of the energy to pursue things that I had no guarantee would provide me any true companions) 

I turned 32. Spent my birthday weekend with my friend Mike. Bought a Nintendo Switch (The only Nintendo system I haven’t regretted buying since N64) 

I played a lot of good games: Persona 5, Nier Automata, DDLC, Subahibi, A Hat in Time, Mario Odyssey, Zelda Breath of the Wild. I replayed Xenogears

Anime-wise I also saw a lot of good series: Keijo, Gintama, Patlabor, Net-juun no Susume, Made in Abyss, A Silent Voice, Your name, Magic Knight Rayearth

Non anime I finally got around to seeing all of Cheers and Regular Show

Doubtless I’m forgetting a few things. Hopefully some friends can remind me and I’ll edit them

On the good end of 2017, I finally found closure with Candace and became a lot more comfortable with driving (to Eau Claire at least) I also (mostly) kept up with studying Japanese, even though my passion for it has waned a lot 

On the bad end, I spent a lot of time screwing around online and I spent a great deal of money on things I didn’t need (Especially this holiday season where I spent probably close to 1k on myself).  I also had a period where I relapsed and went back to FFXI again. 

Ultimately I give the year a C. I’m most proud of myself for the leaps I’ve made on driving, my confrontation with Candace, and not letting myself fall off the wagon too long. I’m most disappointed in my shopaholic ways, all the time spent being unproductive, and a lack of direction

2018:

I actually have a lot of things I want to do for 2018, but I’m only going to list some of the major ones.

First, I’m going to try to cut down on my net presence. I’ve done this before back when I was trying to do the AJATT(All Japanese All The Time) , but this time rather than looking to focus on Japanese more, I want to shift my focus onto a couple different areas: writing, Japanese, recreation (like anime and games), and learning programming.

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Writing

For writing, my plan is to try to do a little bit every week. I’m trying not to set the bar too high by saying every day (Even though that’d be great) but I’m also trying not to set it too low either. While this will often take the form of blog posts, I also intend to start some fiction writing.

Japanese

I’m currently level 26/60 on Wanikani. I’m not studying nearly as diligent as I could be, but I don’t intend to change back to my AJATT mindset. Rather, in 2018, I’m going to finally start trying to read a Japanese visual novel. I intend to start with a Clockwork Leyline (a game that was actually recently translated by Sekai Project) and do a bit every day until I’m finished.

It’s my hope that this will finally break the ice on reading Japanese vns and give me the confidence to further it. I don’t intend to devote a whole lot of time to this (probably an hour every day) but it’s going to hopefully add up.

Recreation

This might sound bizarre, but despite the massive amount of free time I have, I don’t spend a lot of it in pursuing my hobbies. Instead I spend a lot of time either checking the internet or idly thinking about what I want to do. 

Next year I have a plan to do stuff I enjoy more.

For anime, I plan to watch six episodes a day. It’s my hope that instead of watching only a handful of series (like I did this year)  i can watch a huge chunk. I initially had set the goal at 100 series, but given how unrealistic that can be, I’m just going to stick with 6 episodes a day (starting Jan1st) I’ll keep everyone abreast of what I see when I see it.

I’m hoping to also see my friends more. I do not know where they will all be in 2018, but I’m hoping we can do more stuff together

I’m also going to do more reading but there’s no definitive plan for that other than, I’d like to read at least a books worth of material every month.

Programming

This is where a good chunk of my time will be going. I intend to study and become familiar with the current trends in programming. Right now I’m currently relearning Ruby, and in the future, I would like to transition this blog back to a ruby on rails blog. 

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Second, I’m going to do a better job of saving money. After ordering more stuff today, I finally blocked both Amazon and Rightstuf (two of the biggest offenders of my wallet) While I’ve made a few allowances for certain things (I want to get a dakimakura and to go to Anime Detour) I’m going to keep all other kinds of buying down to a minimum. I’m thinking maybe 50-60 a month for personal expenditures apart from the allowances listed above.

This will be difficult, as I’ve realized that my shopping is a coping mechanism for a lot of my depression. However, I’m hoping if I get a good routine going (see next point) I wont have to succumb to this

Lastly, I want to get a good routine going. Right now I have the routine of waking up at around 1-2 in the afternoon and going to bed at 4-5. I want to adjust this to my previous schedule that I had where I went to bed by 2 and woke up around 10. Not that it’s much difference, hours wise, but I hope by having it more structured, it can help lead to a more structured day. 

[hoshizoralone]