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#looking back i don't think its a coincidence that those same insults were hurled towards me when i decided to end a friendship
feyriejane
·
7 months
Text
it turns out that I'm not this horrible manipulative person who's angry all the time ive just been told that my entire life whenever I didn't give someone what they wanted.
#more shocking revelations to come as i finally put REAL effort into processing my trauma
#my parents love to talk about how awful i was as a kid
#how i was manipulative angry and violent and i never thought of anyone but myself
#and i genuinely believed that because no one ever told me any different
#i believed that i needed to work hard and sacrifice as much as i can for the people i love in order to make up for them enduring me
#now that ive surrounded myself with kind and gentle people
#im not angry all the time
#disagreements are conversations and even if they get a little emotional sometimes we're not fighting
#looking back i don't think its a coincidence that those same insults were hurled towards me when i decided to end a friendship
#at the time i took it as proof that my parents and my ex were right
#i WAS that horrible person and it didn't matter what i did i could never make up for that
#it caused me to relapse into self harm after it had been YEARS since id done that
#but ive since come to realize that the actual common denominator in all of the situations where ive been called those things
#is when i wasn't doing what the person saying them wanted me to
#these were words said to hurt me
#to get me to either give in and give them what they wanted or punish myself on their behalf
#coming to that conclusion has made a world of difference
#this shit is still hard and im still carrying these beliefs about myself around with me
#but every day it gets easier to put those down and recognize who i REALLY am
#and who i really am is pretty great
#personal
#self harm mention
#tw self harm
#tw child abuse
#self harm
#child abuse
#child abuse mention
#wanted to cover all my bases with tws
#though i don't really expect anyone else to actually read all my tags lol
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