#lost lists by clowncalvary

[clowncalvary]

Rating My Cats By How Well I Think They Would Do As a Human Being (Who Had To Pay Taxes)

1.) Jinx: There is a running joke that she likes to make bombs and put them in random places for fun. Her ultimate goal is to kill Putin for revenge because of what he did to her Grandma. She cannot go a single day without some type of crime. She commits tax fraud on a regular basis, but refuses to pay rent. She has asked me to hide a body on at least three separate occasions.

9/10

2.) Leo: This cat has not had a single thought in his head since '87. He is a windows screensaver that keeps cycling through old pictures of his grandkids; he is only 6 years old. He has nearly burned his paw on two separate occasions. The vomit eating champion of both '23 and '22.

2/10

3.) Nashimoto: If there is a glass on a high surface that he can push off to get attention he will do so. Loves to get up in high places and cry for someone to come save him, but only if that someone is his Monty (Mother-Aunt). Uses his words when he would like to be set down and REALLY uses his words when he would like to be let into rooms. If you point at him he will freeze like someone has just put a gun to his wee noggin.

5/10

4.) Eleanor: Has at least 5 homicides under her wee little paws that we have witnessed. Loves to roll in dirt and will force eyecontact while she yawns. Assumes that if another cat is in her line of sight that they want to play with her. Playing with her is NOT optional.

7/10

5.) Agatha: She has on more than one occasion popped the lid on the cat food container. Has attempted Grand Theft Fish twice and thankfully been thwarted by her big butt knocking things off the counter. Has No Mercy at Dinner Time. Is the ride or die bitch that WILL come running when she hears you in distress, not to comfort you, but to kill whatever has made you upset.

8/10

6.) Willow: ....This cat is the worst jumper I have ever seen. She couldn't find her food bowl if you put her paws into it first. Has spooked at her own shadow like she is ready for us to have a few more weeks of winter. One of her prominant nicknames is Princess PissPaws. She is the imbodiment of a pet rock mixed with a clown at the circus.

0/10.

[clowncalvary]

Reading All of Garfield (Up Until This Point) The 1982 Post

Have you ever had too much of a good thing? Or, rather, have you seen that one scene from Matilda with the chocolate cake? If you haven't seen Matilda I think you should because it still holds up and is a really cute movie. The Chokie does live rent free in my mind though.

Anyway, this is my chocolate cake and I think everyone should join me on it. Go Read At The Garfield Archive. I started at the beginning of May reading Garfield and I will be ending May still reading Garfield.

Return of Garfield's Strange Extended Family. Also, I don't have high hopes for ever seeing Lyman again. He was last seen on 12/25 of last year, but before that he was only seen on 6/24 of last year. :( Wish him well, Lyman Fans.

He had places to be! Soon one of those places is gonna be in doggy court.

Can't believe Jon would come along and just try to limit poor Odie like that.

Grandma was the sweetest of Jon's relatives so far and honestly this is a spot on joke. Love these two, I hope we get to see her again!

To be fair this is how most cats act, they don't really have that off switch when it comes to food. I can relate with most sweets.

Garfield mounted upon a mighty steed with a hunting rifle in one hand and a burger in the other.

Always great to have Garfield shouting out the other cats in the neighborhood! On an unrelated note, I just realized that there is a green dog in the middle of all those cats and that Jon got new curtains.

THE ONLY WORTH COMMERCIAL IN MY EYES

*squints* I think we've seen this exact joke before?

Admittedly it was hard for me to pick a favorite of this entire series because they are all so good, but pure cartoon physics always gets a laugh outta me

I love that this is some fun foreshadowing since I am currently reading this in the year 2024!

Okay, but I think this is the first time I've looked at Nermal and gone "okay, that was cute"

OH SHIT!? LYMAN SPOTTED?! I HONESTLY DID NOT EXPECT TO SEE HIM!! THE KING LIVES STILL IN ANOTHER YEAR!!

It is a sad state of my classic literature knowledge when I had to look up who the heck that was.

There is a good bit after this one where he confronts the stump lurker only to figure out that it is a mouse (Floyd, I'm sure, although he hasn't yet been named by the comic)

I'm hitting my second wind and these are hitting their second funny, so this is a great combination actually!

I don't have any insightful commentary on this comic, it's just funny enough to stand on its own. A real knock-em-dead kind.

Let Garfield Have A Kitten

LYMAN HAS SPOTTED! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! HE IS THERE, BUT DEAR GOD SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A SPEAKING LINE!!

On one hand that is hilarious, but on the other hand if I reached my hand in expecting cookies and got lettuce someone is gettin' mauled.

Garfield just delivered a blow that was worse than death upon Jon. RIP Jon's Spirit and hand bones.

And that's a wrap on this year! I did get more goofs out of this year and finished reading it before my lunch hour! Maybe I could even finish catching up before Garfield's next birthday? 😘

[clowncalvary]

Reading All of Garfield (Up Until This Point) The 1979 Post

I've already made the first post and so I must continue to march on, even though I do not think that I thought this through before I started this Journey. There are a LOT of Garfield comics. I hope to see more of Lyman this year. Check Out The Garfrield Archives To Read Yourself!

Oh boy, now I have had to look up two different things just for understanding a Garfield comic. I did NOT know that Gucci was this old. I'm going to be honest when I say I thought that Gucci was a 2010s invention. Turns out it is over 100 years old and I am a fool that does not pay enough attention to a fashion brand. Side note that everyone already probably knows, but Gucci does not make a scratching post, but if they did it would be roughly 1,000 dollars. Wtf, Jon.

YOU PUT HIM IN THE SWEATER, JON!! I love that Jon's mother canonically made Garfield a sweater. I'm assuming that Jon is an only child and she is throwing her all into her only grandkid. Also, good job, Lyman! You made it one more year!

Garfield and me think alike. When I was a small child I also would have eaten a mailman if I had caught them.

Well, he did say take a bite to be fair.

I'm sorry, does he eat Lyman and absorb his powers later on?

I imagine that this is what I looked like to my mother when she asked why the hammer was missing.

LYMAN SPOTTED!! I was getting worried a moment there!! When will this man be eaten? When will his essence become part of Jon?

How did the cat convince Lyman to go along with this joke? Or did he come up with it independently?

OHOHO, THEY BROUGHT IT BACK FOR 1979?! HELL YEAH, BABY!

I have to assume that Garfield took this as a threat. Sidenote I do love this poem actually, Jon should take that up as a side hobby!

While we appreciate Garfield's talent right here, I'm not sure that Jon is buying that he has a Garfield shaped pot. Btw a lot of garfield pot planters do exist, so really perhaps he was too early to get away with this.

I already thought this comic was funny, but getting the added context of where "I have a bridge to sell you" comes from is so good. I really encourage everyone to please check out the story.

I am exhausted, my brain is trying to eat away at my conciousness, and yet this comic has brought a smile to my face. Do the charms of Garfield ever have an end?

YES, THAT IS EXACTLY HOW IT SHOULD BE!! I love that you know this means Jon threw her out, not Garfield.

This was like a jumpscare in a horror movie. But particularly the one that occurs when something innoculous is going on; friends are talking on a bed, not even about the plot and in the corner of screen you can see a clawed hand slowly reaching up from the side of the bed. The music has not changed, the tone of the conversation has not changed, but the implications are there. And you are helpless to do anything to change the inevitable.

My moirail has actually answered this one for me before! Because it came up about a violin strung with catgut. Turns out it is made from the walls of intestines of animal, but mostly sheep and cattle! No kitties were harmed for this racket! Also, Lyman, dude, that is such a weird question to ask, my guess is that he knows nothing about tennis and he panicked.

ANOTHER CLASSIC FROM GARFIELD AND FRIENDS! I may be tired, but not too tired to laugh so audibly that I have frightened my own cats.

Curse Tumblr's 30 image limit, I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to make a part 2 to this post. Also, there is a similiar series of strips in the cartoon where Nermal comes up to Garfield and a bunch of people arrive to save him. But they leave Garfield up there. Jon eventually comes and gets him with a ladder and at first it is cute until Jon admits that he's been watching Garfield stuck in the tree all evening. Garfield appropriately takes out the ladder and leaves Jon in the tree for the night.

Liz is a fantastic doctor just for the shit she has to put up with. Also, it has been a month since we have last seen Lyman, we usually seen him at least once a month. Where is my special boy?

OH THANK GOD, THERE HE IS! OUR SPECIAL BOY IS STILL ALIVE AND WELL, JUST WENT I HAD GIVEN UP HOPE! IT WAS AUGUST THAT PULLED THROUGH FOR US!

W-wet nursing???? Garfield, do you know what that word means? Because either you do and I am horrified, or you don't and I am worried.

Unfortunately Jon does not meet the quality that Liz is looking for: silent.

It had been two months, I was beginning to lose hope. Lyman is finally seen again at the end of October, but he doesn't have a speaking line. Fortunately he does have his own chair at least? (P.S. They thankfully made up for this tragedy by featuring him in a few more comics after this one! Via La Lyman!!)

You know that Garfield saw Odie playing on the piano and decided that he couldn't be a one dog band.

Listen, Jon, totally valid, but also consider this: do you really want the chicken back now? It has cat spit all over it, it belongs to the cat,,,,

Now this is an excellent way to round out the year! We have all the successful elements, Garfield inflicting bodily harm, Jon showing off a perfect talent, and Lyman is here!!

[clowncalvary]

Reading All of Garfield (Up Until This Point) The 1983 Post

If I were capable of weeping with joy then I would be right now, but seeing as I still have 30 years of Garfield to catch up with, I'll have to store those tears away for now!

In other news we only saw Lyman 3 times last year and the man did not have a single speaking line. He also was not featured in the Christmas edition of the strip, which spells bad news for the man. He was wearing a nice suit last though so many he finally moved out and just let his dog with Jon? Perhaps Lyman is moving up in the world, we love that for him, although I will miss him.

Come follow along and read All Of Garfield with me at the Garfield Archive. Cheers!

Yep, that checks out, Jon seems like the kind of guy that has a stamp collection and then didn't even think about securing it.

I want you to put yourself in Jon's shoes here and think about your neighbors firing flaming arrows at your fence and burning it down.

Hey if she has no sense of humor than kick her to the curb!

I think Garfield has a lot to teach us about the simple pleasures of life.

YES, ANOTHER SERIES OF KITTY ANTICS BROUGHT BY ROLEPLAY!

ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER FOR THE FAMILY TREE!! I'm pretty sure he mentioned having an uncle Nick before that was deceased, so I assume this is a second one.

I AM GOING TO HAVE THIS ON REPEAT IN MY HEAD FOR THE REST OF THE DAY! JUST JON BEGGING HIS CAT TO LET A WOMAN LIVE!

I like that since Garfield and Jon went on vacation without Odie that Lyman still exists and owns his dog. Plus! Look! A speaking line!

No from your mother's

You have to let him come! He's got a little tie on and everything!!

Jon should be impressed! Also, not sure if this is the same fern for all of these gags or if Jon has the world's best fern dealer.

This is just me as a cat. Honestly just me now, but I can't get away with as much because I'm not as cute.

GET SPLUTTED

Odie really said that he got himself into that mess, so he can go and get himself out of it! The equivalent of handing a man in a hole a shovel.

This one is going in the group chat under examples of how Garfield is literally so violent.

One of the few times where having to have part of the joke explained actually makes it funnier! Golf Resource If You Don't Golf Here

DAVIS THIS IS THE JOKE POLICE, YOU'VE ALREADY USED THAT PUNCH LINE FOR A DIFFERENT AUNT OF JON'S! PUT YOU HANDS UP WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

God, me too, Garf.

Her Lies 1983 It Went Out With a Bang!

I just finished reading 8 hours worth of Garfield. So, the next time you are on the phone with a customer service representative: have mercy.

[clowncalvary]

Reading All of Garfield (Up Until This Point) The 1981 Post

So in a hilarious and delightful turn of events I have managed to circle back around to loving reading the Garfield comics again! I'm sure this won't develop into the ups and downs of binging Garfield or anything.

Anyway, read the Garfield Archive and join me!

I personally enjoy that Lyman was even an option for who ate Jon's sock. Is that something that he does often? I love that for the months that we do not see Lyman he is out here eating Jon's socks. Absolutely the worst roommate ever.

Look at that! The nap attack bit is back! We had this one last year and I did not enjoy is that much then either. But I'm trying to look at this with fresh eyes! Anywho, Garfield The Archivist.

OH GOD, IT'S HAPPENING, JON IS WEARING LYMAN'S SHIRT

Ooo, the linework has changed for this panel! It looks like from here on out Davis is using a different kind of pen!

I'm.... Do you usually put mayo on salads, Garfield?

Why living a boring life just to have a boring death? Enjoy your demise, Garfield~

That is just how an owner talks about their cat though, absolutely savage. Also this strip made me fuckin' gasp while laughing so it gets an A+ for that.

A literal reaction to some of these strips, I think I am in the flop era. Either that or I am just anticipating the mighty return of Lyman. I know he's out there somewhere!

I'm Sorry, Jon.

Okay, I take it back, no flop era, I love every comic with Nermal in it~

Now this is just god (Jim Davis) having a laugh at Garfield's expense! Also, I would hate mondays too if they involved having pianos dropped on me!

LYMAN IS BACK, WE LITERALLY HAD NOT SEEN HIM SINCE JAN, BUT HE IS HERE AGAIN JUST IN TIME FOR GARFIELD'S BIRTHDAY! Now back into the closet with him.

One of my felines would disagree! She loves the leash and harness because it means that she can go roll around in the dirt.

She used to date Lizzie Borden!? I'm not sure if this is an age joke, or honestly just a fun thought experiment.

Oh you just KNOW that, that cat food is going to taste terrible. Sorry, Garfield, you're too honest to act.

Honestly, me too, I can't keep a straight face through nasty food either.

So, first I had to look up what the heck an "apteryx" was; and then I had to look up why this comic would be funny. Shout out to this thread on reddit where someone was as puzzled as me.

I too would like to become a moose because my life has gotten too routine.

Love how ready he was for this bit, man positioned himself in front of that mirror and everything, he was ready to make sure she knew how pretty he is.

Jon really went and taught Garfield how to fetch, that is fucking adorable. Look how happy Garfield is about it too! This cat just needs to let himself enjoy life more often in a simple way!

In a different timeline this is where Jon died. I really should have been keeping track of how many times that happens.

Imagine putting a landmine in your cat's breakfast. I can't imagine that this was the kind of spice that Garfield was wanting with his breakfast.

WHY DOES HE LOOK SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS?! For everyone out there that does not have cats count yourself lucky that you have never had to deal with wet cat food. Bathing cannot save you from the smell of cat food in your hair.

After I finish reading all of these I have to check out a garfield family tree, poor Uncle Nick.

HOLD UP! 🫵

ENHANCE

ENHANCE

FREEZE FRAME! THERE ARE NO ANCHOVIES ON THAT PIZZA! THAT IS VERY CLEARLY A BURNT TO ALL HELL PEPPERONI!

I have beheld that struggle, most relatable Garfield comic to ever exist.

When I tell you my eyes got so wide. I want there to be a returning bit where Jon is forced to chase his own mice and gets one of these put on his chest in the night

A perfect place to end this year! On A Threat.

[clowncalvary]

Reading All of Garfield (Up Until This Point) The 1980 Post

I have done it again folks. I have managed to be too overambitious in my endeavours. I really watched The Garfield Video and went "pssh, weak, only 1000 Garfield comics? They are three panels! That isn't too much, why wouldn't he just read all of it? I can read all of it!"

Ya know, like an idiot. So, now I am here, and by god I refuse to bend, I can and WILL read all of Garfield (up until 5/1/2024, when I started this fool journey). I have read all of Homestuck TWICE, and the Crowstrider AU (ALSO TWICE!! Sidenote: If you like Homestuck or even just have a base understanding of the events of Homestuck, but felt is was missing something, check out The Crow Strider AU, it is a really good and a well written story!)

I Refuse To Be Defeated by Garfield.

Unlike Jon who isn't even trying to save his food at his point. ALSO! LYMAN HAS BEEN SPOTTED!! Always weird to be reminded that Odie is not Jon's dog.

I know the joke is that his head swelled up because of the cold, but for a moment I thought his body just strank. Peak Garfield right here.

Oh we love a good Lyman living his best life right here~

Hey, Jon, you aren't supposed to be questioning things like that!

I am so pleased that Jon is actually a country boy that moved out to the city. I recommend this little arc because Jon's parents are hilarious.

Okay, now this one is a little interesting because it is the only one that I've seen that is black and white. Apparently this is because all the original comics were in black and white, but Jim Davis went back and colorized all the old strips! This must have been one of the few that wasn't translated to color, very cool!

I'm surprised that Garfield even cared, I myself have been known to eat myself some raw biscuit dough.

I'm including this because this is such a weird thing to say to anyone, let along your cat. Jon, please do not go onto Rule 34....

AWE, GARFIELD SHOWING SOME ACTUAL LOVE AND AFFECTION TO NERMAL IS SO NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART!!!!

Jon is the most accurate cat owner that I've ever actually seen. Me too, Jon, me too.

Imagine your cat calling you a bimbo for giving you a bath 10/10

Lyman has shown up again! There was a three month hiatus, but he hasn't been edited out of the story yet!

This is exactly how my moirail acts after they seek out shit they KNOW is going to frighten them! This series of comics is absolutely so fucking cute too and absolutely how cats act when you make eye contact with them too long.

I think if a thug was dressed like this and tried to rob me I'd think they were doing a bit at first.

WHEN WILL YOU LEARN!? WHEN WILL YOU LEARN YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSIQUENCES!?!?

I'm not going to lie, Garfield deserves this for all the shit he gives Odie. And if this entire arc is just Odie fuckin' with him, I support it!

:0 Garfield's family!? His grandpa is so scrunkly and I love how much Garfield is so excited to see him, and his grandpa is just so over everything,,,, After further reading I have decided that his grandpa sucks actually.

God, me too, Garfield. If I could get out of every awkward conversation by revealing new information about myself I absolutely would.

Oh, oh I know logically that Garfield's last name would have to be Arbuckle, but it has always been "The Cat" in my mind's eye. This was such a rude awakening to the psyche. And on CHRISTMAS too!?

I mean, he is using less power this way?

How....how did he fit in that bowl???? Like, the demensions are not demensioning! Either that or Jon Arbuckle is secretly The Doctor.

[clowncalvary]

Reviewing Every Animal Crossing New Horizons Villager (Because I Have Fallen Down The Rabbit Hole) Part 5

This really is just another deep dive into the nonsense that I get myself into. 400+ villagers is so fucking much. But I will endeavour! I will push forward!!

Dobie: SO, my moirail has this dude on her island and every time that I see him I smile! He just seems like such a grumpy old man that has a heart of gold. 3000 Bells.

Doc: What a goofy ass looking man. I'm going to see them at the library and they are going to compete with me over who has read the most books. And I will get stupidly invested in the argument before I realize how dumb it is. I'm going to count each individual manga I've read as a full book, Doc, and there is nothing you can do to stop me. 69 Bells. Haha.

Dom: Awe! I love that we share a nickname and aesthetic! His horns kind of remind me of a large carnival lollipop. Unfortunately there is not enough room for the both of us on my island. 420 Bells.

Dora: Ugly ass lookin' mouse. Can't they make at least one cute mouse? I'm begging all of you. Please. Mice can be cute! 0 Bells.

Dotty: Why are all of the rabbit villagers (except that one) so enchanting and cute? I want a separate island just to put them all on now. 500 Bells.

Drago: Awwww. Someone has seen one too many animes. 0 Bells.

Drake: This is just a Scooby Doo villain. He is going to scheme to take the fortune of a bunch of weirdos that just turns out to be worthless confederate dollars. 0 Bells.

Drift: Frog. Ugly. 0 Bells.

Ed: Giving the horse emo hair was not going to make him better in my opinion, now we just have a blue emo horse. 0 Bells.

Egbert: This man has never slept a day in his life. He is always staring at the sky. Not wondering, but knowing that one day it will happen. The sky will fall. 10 Bells.

Elise: >:/ I feel like they are doing this just to taunt me at this point. -8000 Bells. Pay me for the mental damage you have caused me.

Ellie: She has the charm of an old timey cartoon. I mean, I still don't want her on my island because I can't stand the elephants, but she is still good. 50 Bells.

Elmer: Horses. Damn Horses. Why are there so many horses? I'm going to freaking count them at this point, but there are so many. Why even bother? 0 Bells.

Eloise: We are right back to the elephants. Why does she look like flan? Hate that for both her and me. 10 Bells.

Elvis: This is just the guy that was torturing animals in Robin Hood. The disney version that made all those kids into furries. 10 Bells. 12 because of taxes of course.

Erik: Now we know what rudolph would have looked like if they removed his nose. Deffo a downgrade. 0 Bells

Étoile: It isn't bad! I'm just not vibing! Perish! 50 Bells.

Eugene: Oh! An ugly koala! That's new at least! 10 Bells.

Eunice: She looks like Muriel's (Courage The Cowardly Dog) fursona that her husband made her because he thought it was cool and would make him money. 100 Bells.

Faith: A second ugly koala! I did get suckered into scrolling through her wiki, so they did get me with that. 40 Pity Bells.

Fang: Who gave the wolf eye shadow? Better yet, why can the wolf do better eyeshadow than I can? Love that for him actually. 777 Bells.

Fauna: Normla is probably the best personality type for it, because that's about how I would describe her look too. 100 Bells.

Felicity: She reminds me of a model from an old fashion magazine! I also had to look up when Tweed Dresses were in fashion, so I now think she is either really into old fashions or a time traveler. 1960 Bells.

Filbert: This is not a real man. He is staring at you through your window at night. 0 Bells.

Flip: -500 Bells.

Flo: EMO PENGUIN. EMO PENGUIN. EMO PENGUIN. EMO PENGUIN. 420 Bells.

[clowncalvary]

I Have No Idea Why I Wrote This Commercial While I Was High

Commerical starts in a man's kitchen, he is like a super burly man, he is drinking a warm manly cup of dunkin donuts. Then he pulls on his Carthart Books and Jacket, before getting into his FORD TRUCK.

The truck speeds in a wideshot down a rocky trail that is covered in snow before stopping and sliding, throwing up a spray of snow.

The man grabs his Bass Pro themed fishing pole and casts his wheel.

It glides through the air AND HOOKS SANTA CLAUS IN THE BACK OF HIS NECK.

The man ties teh back of hte fishing pole to his truck and drives off.

Close up of Ford truck growling as the man pushes down on a pedal.

Santa is then pulled down the same road from before in another wide shot. Man brakes and sprays more snow at the cabin. The camera pushes in on Santa's broken and bloody body before flashing back to the driver. He gives a creepy smile and a thumbs up.

[clowncalvary]

Reviewing Every Animal Crossing New Horizons Villager (Because I Have Fallen Down The Rabbit Hole) Part 4

Chrissy: I am endeared to her face because it looks like she is wearing a mask! Kind of gives me The Stranger energy from TMA. 700 Bells.

Claude: They have done this rabbit dirty. He also looks like he is hiding a few women in his basement. 10 Bells.

Claudia: I need this kind of tiger energy in my life. This is like if a family friendly animated studio was designing a girl tiger versus a boy tiger. 320 Bells.

Clay: I thought at first he looked like a luchador, but then I zoomed in and went "Ah! He's possessed!" 53 Bells.

Cleo: I like her colors and her eyes, but these are her only redeeming traits. 60 Bells, but for you I let her go for 50.

Clyde: Ope, just ugly all the way down, huh? 0 Bells.

Coach: This dude looks like he fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch and the way down. 0 Bells. - I was asked to retract this statement, but I refuse.

Cobb: He is a green pig, but he could be worse. I might be biased because I was told he was a mad scientist and I do love a good feral little man. 200 Bells.

Coco: HONEY YOU ARE MY- ANGGGGGGGGGGEL!!!!!!!! I have loved her since the moment I saw her! Possessed in the best way possible! I will NOT rest until I get her on my island!! SHE IS PRICELESS IN MY HEART!!!! 500,000 Bells. I Will Pay More For Her.

Cole: Wait, wait, they are so cute. They look like they have no clue about anything that is going on. Damn, most of the rabbit villagers are just going to be this charming, huh? I don't think I have enough room on my island for them all :( 2222 Bells.

Colton: All good things must come to an end and seeing this horse truly is the end of a good streak of villagers. He does kind of look like he belongs on Fred Jones' island though if he played Animal Crossing. 30 Bells.

Cookie: Stop looking at me with those big old eyes. The patterning would be cute without the eyes, but not enough to redeem this dog. 60 Bells.

Cousteau: I was going to say he was irredeemable, but then I realized that he kind of reminds me of the frogs from Kipo. 80 Bells.

Cranston: More like Crankston. Gross little man. Gonna put this man's head back into the sand. 0 Bells.

Croque: Go back to the opera where they can't see your face. 0 Bells.

Cube: I keep thinking of those weird ass small penguin animations that I've seen all over tumblr. Do with that as you may. 42 Bells.

Curlos: Ah, this dude belongs on Mabel's island and she would cherish him so much. Personally though, I'm going to have to pass on this man. 10 Bells. (Good luck getting him though, Mabel won't give him up).

Curly: ....This is just motherfuckin' Peppa, ain't it? You ain't as charmin' as you seem to think, Peppa! 20 Bells.

Curt: This is a bear that looks like he either needs to be a wrestler or in a biker club. I can see this dude riding a motorcycle. 20 Bells.

Cyd: Look. I wanted to like him. I wanted to like him so much because I love the colors and his mischievious look. I just can't get past him looking like shit. 0 Bells.

Cyrano: Why does he look like he's a villain from One-Punch Man? I hope he gets flattened soon. 36 Bells.

Daisy: Now that is one cutie patootie of a dog. I really hope I encounter them when I am island hopping just so I can say I met them! Put them in my little island scrapbook. 700 Bells.

Deena: *squints* A duck? Why do they look like a yokai? Either way my lack of trust in them is pretty high! 0 Bells.

Deidre: What secrets are you hiding behind that smile? Where did you hide those bodies? Why is there a strangely shaped red stain on your carpet? 60 Bells.

Del: Mechanical Alligator vibes right here. I am just not digging them. I kind of wish that he was more ugly because then at least he would stick out? 50 Bells.

Deli: JUST IMAGINE ME HISSING AT THE SCREEN SEVERAL TIMES LIKE A REALLY DISGRUNTLED KITTEN. THAT IS HOW I FEEL EVERY TIME I SEE ONE OF THESE UGLY ASS MONKEYS! -500 BELLS.

Derwin: The kids in highschool definately called him "Derpwin" and they were right. 25 Bells.

Diana: Now this is a lovely villager! A good use of the deer design too! I wonder if one of my friends already has her? 620 Bells.

Diva: Horrifying. Ugly. Disgusting. There is a circle of hell just reserved for this Frog. -1000 Bells.

Dizzy: *sigh* Okay, this is literally identical to a different elephant villager that I saw earlier. I feel like I need to barely dignify this guy with a review. 0.50 Bells because he is a rip off.

[clowncalvary]

Reviewing Every Animal Crossing New Horizons Villager (Because I Have Fallen Down The Rabbit Hole) Part 3

Bruce: Oh? Bam's cooler older brother? For that he gets a pass. 350 Bells.

Bubbles: Nope. No one is topping Biff apparently. 10 Bells.

Buck: Why is this horse covered in puke? Who did this to him? 0 Bells.

Bud: We could have had a cute lion, but you chose an ugly color pattern with a soul patch. 0 Bells.

Bunnie: Kind of spooky looking, but in a cute way? I can not describe that while I like them, I do not want them on my island? 300 Bells.

Butch: I assume that there are no cool looking dogs in this game, just real dogs being dogs. I am going to throw a tennis ball for this one, kind of my fave so far. 300 Bells.

Buzz: U G L Y. 0 Bells.

Cally: I'm going to have to start making Trash Tier its own thing because this is getting ridiculous, I honestly thought I would enjoy more of these than I am :( 0 Bells.

Camofrog: 0 Bells. I'm from the midwest, I do not have to explain.

Canberra: Oh? Even more ugly? Hate this dude. 0 Bells.

Candi: I AM WEEPING, WHY DO THEY JUST KEEP MAKING THEM WORSE?! YOU LOOK AT THIS MOUSE AND TELL ME THERE IS A GOD!! -500 Bells.

Carmen: Old Betty Boop cartoon ripped straight into animal crossing. 10 Bells.

Caroline: The savior of the squirrels has arrived :0 This design is so charming with the color mix and the cute expression! 500 Bells.

Carrie: This is a kangaroo with eyeshadow. No, seriously, what person risked their life to put makeup on a wild animal? 10 Bells.

Cashmere: ._. This is a sheep? Not a frog wearing a wig? 0 Bells.

Celia: Stop. Making. Eagles. You. Can. Not. Make. Me. Like. Them!!!! 0 Bells.

Cephalobot: Okay, I giggled, I do love a good smug robot. He is going right up there with Hal (Homestuck, not 2001) 400 Bells.

Cesar: Either put him down or put me down. I do not want to live in a town where this guy exists too. -500 Bells.

Chabwick: Not too bad! Pretty cute, but also very plain. 200 Bells.

Chadder: sigh What do you want me to say? It's another ugly mouse villager and I am distressed about it. 0 Bells.

Chai: Mmhm. 0 Bells.

Charlise: Bad Bear. Like, why did we make the bear this kind of green and give them bad hair? Be ashamed of yourselves. 0 Bells.

Chelsea: I imagine that this is what the embodiment of spring is supposed to look like. Absolutely darling I would not mind following her into the forest and having a picnic! 1236 Bells!

Cheri: I really want to hate her, but I can't even find it in myself to do so. She isn't terrible and that is something that I am just going to have to accept! 50 Bells.

Cherry: YES! Now THIS is what I was talking about with the dog villagers! She is a delight and she is rocking it! I am loving getting to see her! Would not be upset if she ended up on my island later! 700 Bells.

Chester: Panda? I think? Either way, much like the actual animal I am not that fond of him. 10 Bells.

Chevre: She looks like a lil eldritch goat and I really like her vibes :0 As long as I don't wake up with her standing over in me in the night then she is good in my book! 600 Bells.

Chief: This wolf is gay. You can not change my mind. I love this lil gay wolf that looks like he should be at the country club. Him and Tom Nook go golfing, you know they do! 400 Bells.

Chops: He looks like he should be royalty in France. This is not a good thing, and in fact it is making me itch for a certain decapitating device…. 10 Bells.

Chow: Oh! An ugly Panda! 0 Bells.

[clowncalvary]

Reviewing Every Animal Crossing New Horizons Villager (Because I Have Fallen Down The Rabbit Hole) Part 2

Bea: This is what Baabara wants to be. Good pupper, very plain, but more in a classic kind of way! 50 Bells.

Beardo: Looks like a lil gentleman, also looks like he would bore me on a date. Sorry, Beardo, I am not swiping right. 500 Bells.

Beau: Kind of cute, but also pretty boring. 50 Bells.

Becky: I am kind of enchanted, but at the same time I'm starting to think that I do not like the chicken villagers all that much. 100 Bells.

Bella: OH MY GOD- NO. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU SHOULD DESIGN MICE. HOW DARE YOU. -500 BELLS. YOU COME ON TO MY ISLAND AND IT IS ON SIGHT.

Benedict: This man should be made into his namesake. 0 Bells.

Benjamin: I imagine that this is what the uncanny valley must look like for dogs. I do not like this guy. -10 Bells.

Bertha: So meh that I really can't think of anything else to say? Just. Meh. 10 Bells.

Bettina: I WON'T HESITATE, BITCH. 0 Bells.

Bianca: :0 Now this is one lovely tiger! Excellent form! Please come to my island! I might be bias due to Tigatron from Beast Wars to be fair. 2000 Bells.

Biff: WAIT, BUT WHY IS HE BETTER?! WHY IS HE BETTER THAN BERTHA!? I KIND OF WANT HIM, HE LOOKS LIKE HE WOULD TALK WAY TOO LONG ABOUT HIS GAINS, BUT I WOULD GLADLY LISTEN. 2000 BELLS.

Big Top: Dumbo looking ass. 0 Bells.

Bill: Just give me a better duck. 0 Bells.

Billy: This is just a goat. You just ported a normal goat into my game. The heck? 150 Bells.

Biskit: Now this is a banger. I kind of love this dog so much, the lil eyes are so charming. I WILL get this dude. 2000 Bells.

Bitty: TERRIBLE. ANOTHER FLIP AFTER BIFF. 0 BELLS.

Blaire: Boring, should have been a skunk, that might have been able to save this design. 15 Bells. Maybe 16 if I pretend it is a skunk.

Blanche: Okay, so they are super eligant looking, but not in a way that makes me want them on my island, but I would not mind seeing them in passing. They are lovely. 500 Bells.

Bluebear: Ah. Right on the tin, huh? 0 Bells.

Bob: The smug lil smile gets me, I love a good cat villager, especially with funky colors. 1000 Bells.

Bonbon: Sure. But I am callin' you a basic bitch that drinks starbucks frappes if you have Bonbon on your island, just sayin'. 200 Bells.

Bones: Another very basic dog design, which isn't a bad thing, but I do like a little more chaos in my villagers! 200 Bells.

Boomer: Did they steal this guy from Club Penguin? Was he a rescue? 17 Bells.

Boone: If I see this guy on your island then I am blocking you. If I ever see him on a random encounter island then I am leaving immediately. He can keep it, that is his island now. -500 Bells.

Boots: A very basic gator, this is about what I would expect the gator to look like. He isn't bad, but I don't really want him. 10 Bells.

Boris: His little tusks ass so much charm to this design and the colors work so well. Very good pig design! 1052 Bells!

Boyd: NOT EVEN OVER MY DEAD BODY. I would come back from the dead just to kick this guy's ass, I would say the town isn't big enough for both of us, but quite frankly I am scared that this guy was ever an option. Perhaps I should be more grateful for Nibbles. -500 Bells.

Bree: Seriously, why are there no cute mice villagers? 0 Bells.

Broccolo: I have to assume that they hate mice. 0 Bells.

Brofinna: This is just one of the other chicken villagers, but with lipstick. Booooo. 0 Bells.

[clowncalvary]

Reviewing Every Animal Crossing New Horizons Villager (Because I Have Fallen Down The Rabbit Hole) Part 1

Ace: Ugly, kind of reminds of a terrible piplup. 10 Bells.

Admiral: He reminds me of an OC I have who is very grumpy. His silly eyebrows made me smile. 100 Bells.

Agent S: On first glance I thought he was Splendid from Happy Tree Friends. I like his smug lil face, but otherwise he is meh. 50 Bells.

Agnes: Oh no, she is so charming though. I might just be weak to pigs though, they are very nostalgic. Very cute, I kind of hope I get her on my island. 1000 Bells.

Al: NO, NO, FUCK YOU. NO. 0 BELLS, I WILL PAY YOU TO GET RID OF HIM. SO GLAD HE IS NOT ON MY ISLAND.

Alfonso: Is he sick? The spots are a little frightening. Kinda like chicken pocs. Do not come near me, sir. 10 Bells.

Alice: Nope, I thought this was a weirdly formed mouse at first. 0 Bells.

Alli: Very cute, would not go searchin' for them though. 100 Bells.

Amelia: Um. She kinda looks like she was dunked into blood head first. I can appreciate that, but no thank you. 8 Bells.

Anabelle: Huh. I... Huh. I do not know? ??? Bells. Maybe 20 Bells??

Anchovy: Why did they make Rock Lee a bird???? Hasn't that man been slandered enough???? 5 Bells!!

Angus: His face is a bit weirdly shaped, but mine is too, so I can not judge him too much for that! 19.5 Bells.

Anicotti: Had to do a deep dive because I thought they had long hair at first and that was going to affect the rating. They do not. 5 Bells.

Ankha: I'm weak for a cute cat. Although the memes of yore are burned into my skull right between my eyes. So I see her and I cringe a bit,,,, 500 Bells.

Annalisa: I got moon eyes as soon as I saw this cutie. I really want them and I hope I can replace Sprocket on my island with them QAQ 2000 Bells.

Annalise: Ah. Peteh, the horse is here. 4 Bells.

Antonio: Ohohoho, a little mime dude! I would love a lil mime dude on my island! I'm staring to think most of the anteaters are pretty endearing! 1200 Bells.

Apollo: The United States animal, seein' apollo reminds me that we should go back to hunting and eatin' these lil dudes. 5 Bells.

Apple: See, this hamster looks like something that I should like. My friends would even probably think so! But I am so disturbed by their eyes.... 0 Bells.

Astrid: Hehe, I love the little star and the expression. I like this lil dude, they are welcome on my island! 200 Bells.

Audie: Their hair is throwing me off.... They would be so cute otherwise :( 200 Bells.

Aurora: This is the best kind of stylized penguin and I can NOT be persuaded otherwise! I just love them so much, I would have a plush of them!! 2000 Bells.

Ava: Reminds me of those microwave chickens. 10 Bells.

Avery: No. Ugly. Bad. 0 Bells.

Axel: This guy is proof that god has abandoned us. -20 Bells. You should pay me to even look at them.

Azalea: The sunny side egg on their horn cannot tempt me more on to their side. 12 Bells.

Baabara: I know the name is a pun. I KNOW THIS. But I still thought that they were a dog on the first look!! Unpopular opinion, ugly. 10 Bells.

Bam: Reminds me of an ex in a bad way, sorry Bam, it isn't you, it really is me. 0 Bells.

Bangle: I thought that was Tom Nook at first, and then I did a double take and realized that it is a tiger cosplayin' as Tom Nook. 0 Bells. You cannot replace him.

Barold: Why. -50 Bells.

[clowncalvary]

My Opinions On The Mane 6 Based On How Little I Know About My Little Pony

I have never watched a single episode of My Little Pony in my life. The most I have ever interacted with this series is being a small child at 7 and chewing on their soft silicone heads. Those tiny combs sucked for trying to comb out the pony hair by the way.

This was encouraged by two quadrantmates, and now I'm pulling everyone else along on my journey as I learn about the "Mane Six", hehe, horse pun.

Twilight Sparkle -

Starting Thoughts: I am still convinced that she is the villain of the show. Like, the actual true villain, but my moirail insists that she is actually the main character. Which, by the way sounds like bullshit because if being on tiktok has taught me anything it is that Rainbow Dash is the main character.

Her Design: Okay, why does she have wings in some pictures and not in others? Is that relevant? I think there is something called an alicorn, but I don't know what that is. I thought there were just pegasus, unicorn, and earth pony. Is it mean to say that I kind of hate her just on sight alone? I'm sure she's a very lovely….pony, but I just don't like her design at all. Very, Not Like Other Girls.

Her Voice: I'm going to be honest. It sounds like the voice actress was asked to do "little girl" and she nailed it. That a child. No other notes.

Thoughts After Reading The Basic Wiki: Becoming the princess of friendship sounds like the most fake made up shit I have ever heard in my life. I also don't understand why she would need to send "Friendship Reports", what the hell do you even report on? Your friends did fingerpainting for an hour? Uh, hoofpainting. Yeah. Love that her dad's(?) name is Night Light though.

Thoughts After My Moirail Ranted About This Pony: Is the student of pony god? What the fuck did she do to deserve that shit? When pony god says that you're a lonely bitch and you need friends. Also, the fact that pony god has a magic school is incredible; and that Twilight Sparkle really does have a fucking fake ass job. Should have just called her a professional mediator. I don't think she deserves to be a god in the form of an alicorn, but that's just my opinion. She is definately going to use that for evil, tyrant princess coming to you soon.

Rainbow Dash -

Starting Thoughts: This is the main character, right? Took me forever to remember her name at all despite this, but I remembered all my training from Homestuck. I'm pretty sure this is Dirk's favorite pony. Yeah, I honestly don't know anything else about her besides she is Dirk's favorite and people are really weirdly into her.

Her Design: Oh she has wings which means she can fly! Literally looks like she should be the gayest pony, but is kind of giving me more emo girl vibes because of the hair. Rainbow lightning bolt makes no sense, idk what is going on there. OH GOD, WAS SHE THE CUM JAR?!

Her Voice: Oof. Yeah, that's a little annoying. I hate her voice, booing loudly from the stands as I pelt the performer with tomatoes.

Thoughts After Reading The Basic Wiki: THIS BITCH HAS WEATHER MAGIC!? Hold on, isn't Princess Celestia a god? Why the fuck is Rarity's opinion being put on the same level as god's? She is the element of air, boom, done.

Thoughts After My Moirail Ranted About This Pony: Why isn't she an alicorn? She is literally a weather god, actually I'm going to assume that she IS the weather god because weather doesn't move on its own in ponyville for some reason. The whole thing with the cutie marks sounds like absolutely bullshit level of destiny, they are already predestined, they are just waiting for you to fall into it. This bitch fast apparently. HOW IS THIS THE SAME VOICE ACTOR AS APPLEJACK?!

Pinkie Pie -

Starting Thoughts: The Party Pony? Which is apparently a career option for these mini horses? I know that she marries Weird Al's Ponysona and honestly good for her and him. She is literally pink, I remember that she is pink and has like super curly hair. I thought either she or Rainbow Dash were the main characters for like the longest time.

Her Design: Okay, you've got me, I love her little curly hair. And that in several of these pictures she has decorations in it. Lil balloons as her cutie(?) mark, wait do those marks like decide what the ponies are going to be like? Or do they form out of how the ponies already act? Her destiny was set in stone, damn.

Her Voice: Weirdly addicting voice. I could probably listen to a weird remix on her birthday telegram, it was kind of cute. I would probably go insane if I had to listen to her speak normally though.

Thoughts After Reading The Basic Wiki: How did she get a pet alligator? Why is he missing all of his teeth? Please tell me she doesn't feed him sweets, he needs MEAT. Representing the element of laughter just sounds like getting a participation award, so I am giving her the element of fire because she deserves better. Why was including "Ponko Po" so important to start off her wiki?

Thoughts After My Moirail Ranted About This Pony: They don't know how she got the alligator either. I love that she is just a professional clown mixed with a party planner. My new favorite career actually. This is a jack of all trades in making people laugh. "She's a party pony, I don't know what you want from me." SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE GOD BECAUSE THE 4TH WALL DOES NOT APPLY TO HER. Chaos Magic is exactly what this strange pony deserves.

Apple Jack -

Starting Thoughts: She is a lil cowboy and she is dating Rarity. Quite frankly the only one that I actually remember off of the top of my head. My moirail was making fun of me because she was the only one that I could name starting out. Is my current favorite because I will never actually watch the show and I love that she wears a cowboy hat.

Her Design: SHE HAS FRECKLES?! The hat is as perfect as I thought it would be. She is also a very pleasing color, so this is a 10/10 pony. No notes, and I will not be taking critisism.

Her Voice: Yes. Yes Now This Is Perfection. Love her lil country accent, she is adorable, actually my favorite voice so far. A breath of fresh air.

Thoughts After Reading The Basic Wiki: Element of honesty? More like element of earth because she is literally a farmer. Also, love that all of her family seem to be named after different kinds of apples.

Thoughts After My Moirail Ranted About This Pony: "Her parents are dead" is not what I was expecting for an opening. Rainbow Dash and Apple Jack are endgame apparently, they are at least living together. SHE HAS A DOG?! I did not internalize that I read she had a dog, whoops. Her cutie mark is an apple, so her personality was always going to be apples. Imagine wanting more out of life, but your destiny mark says 'naw, go pick some apples, punk'. I think Applejack should kill Twilight Sparkle and steal her powers.

Fluttershy -

Starting Thoughts: I'm going to be honest that I have no idea who this is at all. My Moirail says that this is her favorite character, which makes it really bad that I have no idea who she is. I think she is yellow? Maybe she has wings? My thoughts are that I have literally no opinion on her and didn't even know she existed until literally a week ago from writing this.

Her Design: She looks like if Pinkie Pie was drained of all her personality. And pinkness. There are almost no pictures at all where she looks happy, how depressed is this pony?

Her Voice: She sounds like I could bowl her over with a slightly damp sock. That one audio that goes "Oh I wish I could play a little longer", is that her? Is that where that is from?

Thoughts After Reading The Basic Wiki: Hold on. There is an element of kindness? Why couldn't she have been the element of water because of her sad wet cat appearance lol.

Thoughts After My Moirail Ranted About This Pony: Confirmed for Sad Wet Cat. It took 10 seasons for her to grow a spine; slower than Jonathan Sims, that's impressive. Might as well be Snow White, but in horse format. Has a useful ability, but refuses to use it, until after 10 seasons. "She has a brother, but he sucks" lol. Discord might be in love with her? She really is the Snow White but specifically for chaos gods.

Rarity -

Starting Thoughts: I think she is supposed to be the prim and proper one? I'm 90% sure without looking that she wears makeup and diamonds. Also that she is shipped with Applejack a lot, I don't know if that is canon or if fanon is just right. She is the original purple one in my mind's eye; Twilight Whomst? Probably would be my favorite if I ever actually watched this show.

Her Design: I KNEW SHE WORE MAKEUP! Very proud of myself for calling that one, also her cutie mark is diamonds, so that is cool. I do NOT like the sultry look she is giving in most of these screenshots though. 8/10, could use less of that, thank you very much.

Her Voice: Is she french? Or like that kind of fake french that people that desperately want to sound fancy do? I have no idea, honestly a very mid voice so far, but considering the other contenders she is in good straits.

Thoughts After Reading The Basic Wiki: I guess I'm just supposed to know who Sweetie Belle is. Why does everyone have an actual job except for Twilight Sparkle? Representing the element of generosity is hilarious considering all the diamonds.

Thoughts After My Moirail Ranted About This Pony: Had a real Daphne beginning. Gets no romantic interest at the end, we do like an independant WomPony. Dragons eat gems in this world and Spike is an ungrateful bastard. Surprisingly nice because she makes people things. She had a real Double D moment learning to be sassy at the end. Everyone's parents in this show are either dead or absent, no wonder the elements are all fucked up. Has the most absent parents though, slay queen.

[clowncalvary]

Reading All of Garfield (Up Until This Point) The 1978 Post

I love Garfield. I grew up reading him, watching him, and having a cute plush of him. Therefore, it is time for me to make the journey of reading Every Single Garfield In Existence (up until this point 5/1/2024).

Check out the archive of Garfield comics!

YESSSS, I GET TO SEE MY FAVORITE GARFIELD STRIP OF ALL TIME!

I remember this comic specifically because this gag was in the Garfield and Friends show! I wonder how many people actually watched that show? It was pretty great on both the Garfield and Orson's Farm segments.

The fucking double take that I just did. Ordie is not Jon's dog???? Who is this random man and why does he have Odie????

Where did he get that baseball bat. Does Jon own that bat or does Garfield have cat money that he went out to buy that bat with?

The idea that there is a most wanted list for Weight Watchers makes me feel like I should be looking over my shoulder....

I would say that Garfield is just the exception on this, but I've seen our smallest cat harrass a cat that is three times her size. (Also, wonder who that guy is? Lyman apparently. Yeah, me neither.)

ODIE GETTING TO FIGHT BACK IS THE CHARACTER ARC I KNEW THAT I NEEDED!

Lyman spotting has kicked it up a notch! I like that he is just everything that Jon is going to become in the future. Jon doesn't even know that he is looking at who he will be.

I'm including this one here because I had to look up what a briquette was. I made the mistake of looking at a picture first instead of reading the description and my first thought was "That's a weird type of bread! I wonder if it has charcoal in it?"

I appreciate that Garfield says that he is a person here. Jon really wants to cut off a part of a man's paws. Garfield should sue.

This comic made me smile both because of the Lyman spotting, but also because Garfield maimed a man. Sorry to the vets out there, it should have been Jon.

One of my cats does this! He likes to pick up random stuffed animals and carry them around. He doesn't play with them or be mean to them, he just likes to carry them around. I imagine he is helping them see the world!

What the fuck is going on here? Garfield isn't even in this strip, but we got to see Lyman so I give it a 8/10.

POV you are my moirail and you're just trying to cook in peace.

I had to reread this four times, but when I got it, it did make me laugh! Shout out to Rocky Horror Picture Show, because there was no way my ass was getting it otherwise.

Oh. That was really sweet. Made me think of my own cats and now I want to cry.

The perfect Garfield comic to wrap this year off with! Absolutely enchanted by this silly cat. I also like that Jon just sleeps in his regular shirts, someone get this poor man a set of pajamas.

[clowncalvary]

Out of Context DnD Memes I Made Years Ago

A classic; I feel like this is very relatable to anyone who has ever been a game master. I think this was in response to a player literally seducing a wendi-boy in their first encounter with him. Very surprised that there is no "THE WENDIGO CAN DRIVE!?" memes in here. That was the most asked question when the monster kidnapped a party member.

Heroditus was probably our most sane party member. Which is kind of like being a tuxedo cat around a bunch of tabbies; you will notice that they are still a cat. He did convince the head of Missouri Conservation that he was not only an expert in a river turning into bile, but did so by being part of Bass Pro. The player thought she was rather clever for this, and honestly she was right.

The easy answer to this is that the DM just forgot that crawdads are a thing in Missouri rivers.

Simone is not known for making good choices. In fact I would say his standing characters traits are making bad decisions, lying, and literally disappearing if he decides to use stealth.

If you were curious: yes he failed the fucking spell.

My first boss was a literal moth god named Spode. They one-hit him with a molotov cocktail and then threw a lamp down the hole he came out of as a final "fuck you". Probably the funniest photo editing I have ever done considering the amount of effort to make this image.

A past party member was literally a gun slinger. His gun also jammed far more often than it fired.

For reference Jake didn't technically cause the Apocalypse, but he was extremely ready to blame his Great Grandpa immediately.

Remember when I mentioned the idiot who lied using Bass Pro and the idiot who was doing a delicate spell in a moving car? Yeah, same two idiots right here.

I....have no god damn idea why I made this meme. It is just sitting in the back of my folder like a lil specter.

[clowncalvary]

The Top 10 Pokemon From Gen 1 Most Likely To Bite Your Feet At Night

Picture this: You are settling down for bed on a nice cool night, you've tucked in your pokemon, your window and door are shut, and you are ready to fall asleep. Dozing in your bed with the sheets tucked up to your chin.

But wait. What was that sound? Is that something in your room? Or rather, I guess you should be asking WHO is in your room. And are they here for your toes?

10.) Charizard

You know I'm right, I know I'm right. Really that is all there is to say. His big determining factor of not being further up on this list is that he is the opposite of stealth and it's a little hard for him to get through my window or door frame with how big he is.

Basically it's all about speed on this one; like how fast I can reach the spray water bottle to keep his little gaping maw from chomping.

9.) Jynx

Okay, here me out, it is not about the amount of teeth that she has. It is about her will and purpose in wanting to munch on my toes. She would absolutely want to bring me that much havoc and chaos by making my heart pound worrying about my little dogs.

Worst part is that she could absolutely sneak into my room so my toes wouldn't be safe. I would be none the wiser until it was too late.

8.) Mr. Mime

You can't reason with him. I mean, you can, but I think the fact that he can be reasoned with and will decide to bite your toes anyway is the worst part. That or the fact that he is missing teeth so it will be more like he is sucking your toes instead of biting them.

He's fast, he's cunning, and he has absolutely blocked all of my other exits. My toes are getting chomped whether I like it or not.

7.) Aerodactyl

Good god, those fucking teeth are a nightmare, a perfect 10/10 on the ouch scale along with his size. Plus! He Has Hands!! Why did they have to invent such a perfect toe biting machine like this? And there is no way that he will listen to any of my pleas for mercy.

The good thing is that he is so large and noisy that I have a chance to escape. In fact I am climbing out my window as we speak.

6.) Fearow

I know, I know, we are right back to the lack of teeth, but I don't think Fearow needs teeth with a beak like that. Fearows are absolutely evil also, I flat out do not trust them. They have no sense of mercy and they like to bite and devour for the sheer pleasure of it.

In the words of my lovely moirail, "God save the man that tries to reason with a Fearow."

5.) Haunter

You may be noticing a pattern where the ones on this list don't necessarily have big and frightening maws, but you don't need one when you're a Haunter. No window or door can stop them, they can slip through walls and they LOVE mischief. What is more sinister than biting at the toes of the unsuspecting?

My toes are not safe and they never were with a Haunter in the house.

4.) Gastly

Slightly worse teeth, just as mischievous and also has the ability to go through walls. Once again my toes are not safe and they never were. Quite frankly I might have been better off if I had just moved houses or slept outside.

They don't even need hands to get to my feet.

3.) Spearow

We know why he is this high on the list. Bottom line is that I do not trust him, he does not trust me, and we are back to the hyper aggression. Plus they are super stealthy because they are smaller, however their size and lack of power SHOULD keep me safe while I'm in bed with a locked door. But quite frankly there is no where that you can run or hide that a Spearow will not find you.

It may take a while, but they are patient and once they are in you can kiss your toes goodbye.

2.) Gengar

Those teeth. Those hands. The horrible creeping sense of dread that he is coming for you. Nay, he is not coming for the entirety of you. Just your poor helpless toes.

Those piggies are not coming back form the market.

1.) Ditto

We have found our crowning champion of feet munching. He does not do it out of malice, but for the thrill of knowing that there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop him. He is faster than you, stronger than any door, and practically invisible He will have your toes.