#lost my shit when i went through the frames again of the miles/spot future vision

[demigod-of-the-agni]

bro died

[halothenthehorns]

TLTNL- Unanswered Questions

Quick note because I realize I haven't addressed this yet but I didn't want any confusion below, they're not in Godric's Hollow. I personally never thought they chose to live there, but Dumbledore moved them there when they went into hiding because he knew the area and territory so he set them up in his own childhood home and put the Fidelius charm around them. The house they're in now is in fact the home Lily and James would have grown up in with Harry and their plethora of children in my mind.

HPHPHPHP

Harry's heart stilled as he stepped into the backyard and didn't see him. If he'd left, Harry wasn't as sure he could find him, Remus himself probably hadn't a destination in getting away-

There was a flutter of something at the edge of his vision above him so small he hardly noticed it. His instincts were still high on alert though, and he glanced up to see the swish of something moving on the roof.

Harry had only walked around the outside of the property once before, just to glance around a bit while the boys had been resting, he himself had been in a restless fit still remembering his past, imagining how different things could have been if they'd just known all of this before he'd had to dump it onto them...

Even though that had been a few days ago, he still remembered the curve of the roof as he went back to the left frame of the house, how it dipped slightly as if something heavy was frequently hung there, or apparently, if someone lifted themselves up from there.

It could have been an owl, it could have been a stray cat or any number of things, but Harry released a soft sigh of relief he'd found Remus laid back on the roof and blatantly ignoring his uneasy steps forward. Harry wished he'd watched Remus do this first, he hadn't truly made a whisper to get in his spot where as Harry feared he was going to bring the whole house down below him with how heavy his steps were, but finally he managed to make it at least within arms reach of him and then lowered himself uneasily on the slightly slanted perch.

 The view was beautiful. If he'd cared to he could pick out dozens of constellations, but his astronomy lessons were the last thing on his mind right now. There was nothing but open fields for miles. His parents had chosen a home that should have felt isolated, but there was a tiny glimmer in the distance of civilization, while the expanse of space between this left one free to run without stopping. It felt perfect, and Harry knew a powerful ache for something more he'd never had, would never have.

Then he released a little huff of breath as he glanced to his side again, though he'd never forgotten why he was doing this. He wished he'd asked Sirius to come with him, he could still feel the deep pit residing in him that would never truly leave no matter how much he stared at his godfather now, but this wasn't his Sirius. The man he'd known had died, and no matter how long Harry lay curled in his lap that wasn't changing, and he had to cling to that acceptance as long as he could and fix a mistake he'd honestly regretted the moment he'd realized what he'd said.

Remus had fixed his nose, though hadn't quite managed to clean all the blood from his face, and Harry stared guilty at that as he said, "I didn't blame you, not really." He hadn't come up here with a plan to say those words, all he'd known was sorry wasn't going to be good enough this time. Then it kept pouring out, still in a faint whisper that he knew full well Remus could hear, it was just impossible to put anymore into his voice speaking of this. "I was angry at Bellatrix, and Dumbledore, and bloody Sirius himself, but I never even considered...what you were feeling, what you'd lost as well. I shouldn't have said that."

Remus took so long in answering Harry feared he never would, but he wasn't leaving either. His past was a mess, but nothing was one way. He could have sent Remus a letter any time just as he had Sirius, and then if he'd been ignored he'd have known it was nothing more than just his dad's old friend uncaring about him. He hadn't though, had never bothered to try interacting with him anymore than the other way around, and he wouldn't make that mistake again.

When he did speak, his voice sounded hollow, flat and dead that sent a thrill of fear through Harry. "I always was a selfish creature, I wanted to go to school, actually pretend I could be around others, and I just keep doing it no matter the consequences. Seems like he was right, I really am just pretending to be one of them."

"He who?" Harry spluttered in surprise, easily taking his normal volume back as his mind scramble to understand who would insult Remus like that, certainly not Wormtail, it didn't seem right of him at this time- then the rest of what he'd said registered. "Remus, it wasn't your fault! How could you think that?! It was mine, it's always mine! I shouldn't have gone there, it was a bloody trap I fell right in to! I should have-"

"It shouldn't have happened like that-"

"But it did," Harry said back defiantly now, that same black anger starting to pulse out of him again, but this time he fought back, he reigned it in before he'd let the feeling of being connected to Voldemort overpower him again. So instead he sounded closer to crying as he managed to get out, "it did happen to me that way, and I hope you do find a way to change it, but it doesn't change what happened to me."

When still he said nothing, just kept looking up with now glassy eyes reflecting the stars and the blood smearing a bit from the wet trickling down his face, Harry insistently kept going, "you don't really believe that, I know you don't! You didn't run out of here because you're afraid, you blame yourself and I understand that better than anyone, but if you really thought you were a monster who caused all this you would not have stayed."

Harry felt a deep, resonating feeling inside of him. He wondered why that felt so significant, why something in him was telling him Remus must figure this out in his future, though Harry was sure he wasn't the one to do it.

"Remus please, you shouldn't forgive me for what I said, but I'm begging you to come back inside when you can. I want you to hear the rest, it... it would mean everything to me," he finished just as softly as he'd started.

Remus closed his eyes then, to blot out the stars, the waning moon he hated so much, and Harry felt he had no more choice but to unsteadily make his way back inside. He couldn't force Remus to stay, he couldn't force any of them to do this. He couldn't begin to explain to himself why this mattered so much to him, Remus had been nothing more than a passing mentor in his life on an even less scale than McGonagall, but on the same way he'd felt the pain of Sirius' death even before it had been returned to him, he knew he needed Remus to hear this as well. Harry couldn't force him to though, this had to be his choice, and he'd said all he could to convince him of that.

So he went back inside, and waited.

He was abruptly assaulted by James and Sirius trying to go right back out past him.

They'd given him his second with their friend, Harry should apologize for what he'd said and if anyone else in the world had thrown those words at their Moony they would have a multitude of curses upon them for starters. Now though, when they saw Harry hadn't gotten him back inside, the Marauders were going to do their work.

James circled around and hoisted himself up as Harry had, and Sirius didn't even bother with that and magicked himself onto the roof, now hovering right above Remus who still didn't open his eyes even when he landed almost right on top of him. "Shove off Padfoot."

"No," Sirius said simply, sitting down beside him and watching James scramble for a moment before finding his feet and then gracefully sitting down as well. The thought did flit across Sirius' mind to poke fun, tell Moony how dastardly it was to want him away considering what they'd just heard, but joking about this probably would get him thrown off the roof, so instead he said, "Harry better have bloody apologized for that."

"In so many words," Remus agreed.

"Can't believe the little shit took that out on you," James huffed, he still felt the compulsion to put his kid in time out no matter how stupid that was, for starters.

"I can't claim to have been much better," Sirius reminded with a heavy sigh, "he's already seen me take some of this out on Moony."

James made a face at him now for the reminder, but Remus interrupted softly, "don't you regret any of it?" He could hardly believe his ears Sirius was still chatting like this was all perfectly normal banter between the lot of them. "Have you just forgotten the reason all this started was because you didn't trust me, because I certainly haven't."

"Doesn't give Harry the right to say what he did," James scowled.

"No Moony, I don't," Sirius huffed, wishing he'd open his damn eyes instead of seemingly ignoring them while trying to tell them they were being idiots again. "I'd die protecting Harry again and again, and so would any of you. That's what it boils down to, not whose fault it is."

"I still can't figure out how the idiot's blaming himself," James huffed, if Moony was going to continue talking to them with his eyes shut like he couldn't even look at them, then James could talk like he wasn't here. "Of everyone involved, sorry Moony, you're not particularly the center of it."

Remus' face screwed up tighter than ever, he mouthed something that neither could hear, but he didn't seem able to say it louder or again.

"Fine then, guess we'll just have to guess," Sirius mock huffed before tapping himself on the chin but all the time still eyeing him critically. "Ah, he might have been stupid enough to try and convince me to stay behind, but obviously that would never work."

"Please," James rolled his eyes at the idea, "the thought wouldn't even cross his mind. What if he's just pissed at you for laughing and getting caught, I know I still am."

"Could be," Sirius conceded, "but then he'd be in far more of a temper than sulky. Oh, I got it, what if he-"

"I was wondering what your last thought was," Remus finally snapped just to shut the two up, eyes flashing back open to glare at them.

"And you thought it was you?!" Sirius barked in disbelief, no more amusement remotely present. "You actually thought I'd blame you for that? For what Remus?" All his patience was lost now as he threw his hands up in frustration.

Remus turned his face away, watching a birds nest instead, he couldn't look at him when he muttered, "if you'd ever forgiven me. You may have said you had back in the Shack, but I've been wondering just how much you meant that, considering-"

The two had been in the thick of many fights together, staying as close to each other as they could so one could deflect another's spell coming the opposite way. It was like that for all four of them at one point, working in tandem, but Sirius had been dueling Bellatrix alone, and Remus hadn't been anywhere in sight until it was already over.

"I don't know," Sirius answered honestly, "and I don't care," he finished defiantly, pressing the heel of his palm sharp into Remus' knee until he jolted in pain and had no choice but to look back. "I already have, and if I was stupid enough not to in that future than look what I get for it! I won't let it happen again though Remus, there's nothing you could do now to change that!"

Guilt colored his expression for such a brief moment James felt a jolt of worry he thought he'd long since run out of, but Sirius was still going. "How many times do I have to tell you that Remus, since when do you need things repeated to you?"

"Never stopped you doing it before," he finished in a petulant mutter, easily falling into his exasperated tone, any traces of anything except glaring up at Sirius long gone.

James struggled in the heavy silence but finally got himself to say, "well, now you've gone and done it, gone and practically given him permission to repeat that stupid joke forever."

"Not as if he's ever needed our permission for anything before either," Remus huffed, settling back against the roof but now forcing himself to look exaggeratedly comfortable like he wanted to take a nap up here.

James and Sirius exchanged a look over him, neither convinced they'd done as much good as they'd come up here to do, but the fact that Remus hadn't bolted from the property already must mean something. He was holding himself here, and they'd cling to that until they finally beat through his head they were going to keep him around like they thought they had so many years ago.

[summerinsacramento-blog1]

Seeing the forest when you’re stuck in the trees

One week later, I feel rationally better. My heart hasn’t caught on, but I don’t feel the deep sting I felt before. Now, it’s a numb little tingling that I can ignore. Every day, it’ll sting less and less, but its probably gonna be a point of sadness I hold for years when I remember what 22 felt like. And that’s fine. I have years to heal and move on. I turn 23 in 27 days. That can be the night I officially start a new chapter. One without my last love, but a year where hopefully I feel self-love that I never felt before.

With that said, I am writing this while listening to The Weeknd’s new album about how hes heartbroken for the umpteenth time, so we’ll see how this goes. My friend said I should actually listen to this now, as its what I need. Ricky if youre reading this and I hate myself after this, it’s on you.

This is the story of a young boy who is processing heartbreak in a new city, new career, and a new frame of mind. This is the story of what I have learned in the last week, when my life was pulled out from under me in what I believe will be the best possible way. It sucks now, but I’ve learned something, tangentially related to the relationship.

The title

In order to understand this, I want to start by letting you see who I am. I graduated from college in 2017. It hasn’t even been a year since I stopped living my life in terms of “you have 3 months to prove yourself, go.” Until today, I never realized just how much that had affected the way of life I was living.

My mentor today totally slapped the shit out of me with this one: “Stop thinking in the now. Do what will make you happy 10 years from now. Everything is else is just experience. Not everything has to work.”

That man met me 4 hours ago as I type this, and he’s managed to being me back from a stage of confusion to clarity.

He then hit me with this one: youre not playing with the same rules anymore as when you were in college.  You’ve been living on 3 month blocks of time. You need to learn to work towards a deep future, which you do not have the vision for now.

It hit me immediately that he’s right. For the 5 years since I left home, I have essentially lived my life in such a microscopic scale that I never learned how to see past the tree I was currently on. I lived life climbing a tree, seeing what was coming, and walking to that… but that means that I followed a track. I went from class to class, job to job, woman to woman, hoping to get what I wanted, but the thing is

You can only see trees that are in your field of vision that way, and this is incredibly slow.

Also,

this assumes you want to stay in the forest.

I’ve been thinking about this all day, because I need to learn how to think that way and get off the trees and start walking. I need to go to town and make friends that will last years here. I know I have the same feelings in Phoenix (more on that down the road), but I can’t leave myself with no options in Sacramento. I don’t even mean romantically here. What if I still don’t know what I want? What if I make a Friend in Sacramento with a haircut business and he trains me to be his recruiter? What if I meet a young couple in Sacramento, and they pass me all of their furniture because they’re leaving the city to start a new life? What if I meet a kid in Sacramento who needs a mentor and I commit to making his life better? What if I meet a woman in Roseville who runs a night club and she wants to pay me to be a stripper?  What if I what if I what if I what if I get out of the house and find out.

Both he and my trainer have pointed out to me that I cannot rely on my job to bring me happiness, I have to make it on my own, and I have every intention to. I will be leaving my apartment in 3 weeks and moving to the city. Density is the greatest asset of a city; the only finite resource you have is time. So Im starting a journey of self discovery. I’m joining the sister chapter to the club I loved the most while at Arizona State. I joined a volleyball league. I’m going to every work social from here out for young people – I refuse to wallow in the sadness anymore. I already told the girl I loved all the good and the bad. Everything from here on out is overkill. I won’t be sad, as itll sully the memories of the times we weren’t. Don’t be fooled, I am hurt, but I am taking it as a good hurt instead of sinking to the dark place I was in 2016.

 Speaking of 2016: The Dark Descent of Drunk Depressed Jairo

(For the sake of the other people in this story, I am changing names. If you are my friend and know, cool, but I don’t want to breach their privacy as I share mine)

This story actually starts in 2015, and I sat on it for a long time. It was during an event I ran. Three powerful figures that still mar my self-conscious were there. Girl 1 was texting me throughout the day. Girl 2 and 3 were there. I don’t want to drop too many details, but I remember thinking “Girl 3 is super nice, but I shouldn’t hit on her because she won’t appreciate it.” I had been trying to get at Girl 2 for weeks. Girl 1 was dumb as all hell for being interested in me and getting me first down the line.

I dated Girl 1 for a year. The second half of that year was the most miserable point of my existence. I remember I asked my friends if I should leave at month 5. They said I needed to give her time, and I suffered for 6 more. All this time, I kept having constant desires to leave her for Girl 2 (I NEVER acted on these. It was more of a “why does this girl treat me better than the one who claims to love me?), and she was jealous of Girl 2. I can’t blame her. My 21st bday was during that time, and after ending things I started being a degenerate in plain view of everyone. I am not proud.

But it was okay, I was on a high tree and I knew the kind of tree that I would climb. Drunk me wanted to climb, and there are entire weeks of my life where I drank every day.

Give it like 2 months, and I was starting to talk to this girl, I’ll call her girl 4. I thought that was the tree I would climb next – and boy did I try. We even agreed to go on a date. It never happened though, because in the days in between, I definitely linked up with Girl 2, sort of fast. Just as fast things ended.

Anyway I managed to fall from two trees in like 3 weeks, and I was going nuts for 6 months after. This is where the spiral took off. My grades took damage and I lost interest in most things, and I was so hurt that my search for my future was taking so long, and I kept getting hurt while trying. Why was this forest so thorny? I gained like 20 pounds in liquor weight, which I barely got rid of recently.

That is, until I linked up with Girl 3 once again in 2017 and this time by accident. We were together for what are the happiest days of my life so far. There will be better days, but I haven’t seen them yet. At least not so concentrated. Whatever it was though, I loved her for who she was for a year, and I want to believe she genuinely loved me back.  It did hurt, however, that I always told her the above story, and I would say that I finally picked the right girl. I was on the right tree.

As of last week we know that isn’t true. She cut off the tree under me, but she did it at the right time. And actually, it was on the 3rd anniversary of the day those three girls flowed together into my life.

I was sad because I was on the ground. Tired of climbing and thinking I finally climbed the tallest tree in the forest and found the best spot, only to tumble.

But there was another force at play that I never saw coming. Her name is Girl 0. There is no romance there, we are just good friends, or rather, were. Eight years ago – she was my best friend in 8th grade before we drifted apart. She came back into my life to make sure I was okay, and in the past 6 days we’ve rapidly realized that were good friends still. That gave me so much perspective. Time moves on for everyone, but my best friend from middle school and I collabed for another album ten years later, and with no resentment. She’s coming to my 23rd birthday and that’s exciting!

I also realized that I no longer have resentment for G1 ort G2 since almost 2 years have passed, and I won’t resent G3 at some point. Well, I don’t resent her the same, but one day I’ll either stop missing her, or will feel differently than now – I can freely admit she was the most special girl of my life, and she’ll be a tough act to follow. I kind of wish me moving 800 miles didn’t drive us apart, but I’m also glad it did because now I have to force myself to walk along this forest, no matter how scared I am. I will grow from this. G4 is engaged now, to the boy that she would link up with after me. I’m happy for her, genuinely.

  Regardless, that was the lesson I needed. I need to step down from the trees. Its time I start walking and stop looking for anything in particular short term. I can’t go through this forest one tree at a time. I need to pick a direction and walk it. That’s scary because I don’t know the future, but it was scary before, and I made little progress. Maybe this scary time is what I need. Maybe I need to just keep going and remember that the first 18 years didn’t count, the next 4 were a trial period, and the most recent 1 was me playing with the rules that no longer worked. I got X amount of years left, and I gotta make them count.

 On a similar note, I would like to thank every single person who came out in support of me. You guys are the best, and your friendships, some way old and some way young, have helped me remember that I am loved, and that I am never truly alone.

On another note: The Weeknd’s album was okay and did not make me feel sad. The man almost gave Selena Gomez a kidney though, so maybe he was in deeper love than I was.

On another nother note: If you take the height of the 8 girls I consider exes and plot it, it makes a sine wave with an average around 5’4”. If the pattern holds, the next girl I date has to be taller than me. We’ll see, but maybe I’ll start climbing again, just differently now.