#louis is such a bae ok i follow you

[etherealpotter]

Young Love

Show: Euphoria

Pairing: Fezco x Reader

Warnings: none

(GIF credits to owner)

A/N: If you guys send me requests I'll start writing for other Euphoria characters! Honestly I've wrote a few Rue fics, but idk if I like them, so they haven't been posted yet. But give me ideas for stories and I'll try my best to make them come to life! Also I'm a college student! So I'll only be posting 2-3 times a week!

"I'm bored." I said glancing over at my unamused boyfriend as he worked inside the convience store.

"You don't gotta be here. You the one who wanted to come to work with me." Fez dryly chuckled at my pouting face.

"Because I didn't wanna leave youuuu." I said dragging out the you.

"And I'm glad you didn't bae, but i gotta get some work done, you know customers be coming in and out. You can help clean around the store and do inventory with Ash today if you're that bored. I'll buy you that Louis Vuitton purse you want." He glanced back to the task at hand, weighing some grams.

"Really?! Fine. I'll go hang with Ash, he's more fun than you anyway!" I poked my tongue out and gave him a peck on the cheek before walking towards the stock room.

"Hey, Y/N, what you up to?" Ash asked as a smile perked up onto his face.

I had always been really nice to him, and in truth he's the reason I met Fezco. Two years ago I'd been doing a tutoring volunteering program at elementary schools, and I was assigned to help Ash and one other kid. He apparently been struggling in school and not doing his work, which lead to his teachers thinking he wasn't all that smart.

~flashback~

When I had my first tutoring session with Ash, I realized he was a complete genius, and helped push him to do his work and to take advanced classes once he joined junior high.

Our third session was at his house, and his older brother, Fezco, would be present as well. Ash talked about him a lot, probably more then he talked about anything else. I was interested to see where Ash came from and who raised him. I had pulled up to the house and parked my car before hesitantly approaching the front door and knocking.

I glanced up to see a camera right above me. I wonder what they have this security for in a neighborhood like this. I heard a voice come through some kind of buzzer or intercom,

"Who is you? What you here fo-." The voice was interrupted by another one,

"Yo Fez that's my fucking tutor let her in, don't act like that with her."

I chuckled as I heard Ash speaking in the background.

The door swung open to reveal a ginger haired man with a buzz cut and small beard. The first thought that passed through my head was, 'he's cute'. I put on my usual smile, and greeted him,

"Hi, I'm Y/N, Ash's tutor, nice to meet ya." I stuck out a hand for him to shake and he gripped it firmly and gave me a shy grin.

"Name's Fez. Nice to meet you Y/N." He said, checking me out up and down.

A small smirk made its way onto my face as I walked through the door. There house was small, cozy and had a hidden mysterious aura to it. You noted how Fez wore a Gucci belt and some expensive sneakers, yet this was where they lived. I wasn't judging their life or home, just noting how strange it was.

"Y/N! It's good to see you, you ready to tell him?!" Ash asked, greeting you with a big smile on his face.

Fez looked confused between the two of you as you chuckled.

"Let's do some work first Ash. I'm sure your big bro wants to see how much of a genius you are." You said with a smile.

I followed Ash to the kitchen table where I noticed a scale sitting out. I laughed a little when I noticed it, because there's only one reason to have that at your crib.

As I set my things down on the table, Fez goes to move it and a few other things out of the way. I sit down and begin working with and talking to Ash, barely noticing when Fez came back. Ash reminded me a lot of my younger sister, she had issues in school too.

After we had been at it for a while, Ash took a break to get some food.

"He likes you, you know? Not many people believe in him." Fez said to you.

"I do, there's no reason not to. He's a bright kid, and he's got the whole world in front of him." I said.

"Look, Y/N, I like you, and you're a good mentor for Ash, but you can't fill his head with ideas like that. Look where we at." He sighed and looked sad.

"But I'm not wrong. Even you, Fez, have the whole world in front of you. If you want something and work hard enough, you'll get it one day. And i want Ash to know that. There's nothing wrong with showing people the good side of the world."

"You're different. It's so..refreshing." He looked at you with a small smile on his face, which caused you to blush.

Little did you know Ash had seen the whole interaction and could feel the strange vibes between the two of you. Even then he knew there was something there, so he always found ways to put you two in a room together, and the rest is history.

~end of flashback~

"Hey Ash! I'm here to help!" A look of confusion crossed his face as I said that.

"Why aren't you hanging with Fezco?"

"Cause I'd rather spend some time with you!" I smiled and he just laughed.

He'd become a little shit once he hit puberty but Ash still had a soft spot for you, because you had helped him get on track in school. He wanted to graduate from high school and maybe go to college some day.

We spent the next two and a half hours stocking items and playing games as we did this to make the job more fun. I told Ash that sometimes it's ok to mix work and play, as long as the work got done. We spent the whole time cracking jokes and debating politics and the latest celebrity news. He was so much smarter than other kids his age.

"You know something Ash? I think you're the smartest person I know." I said it in such a genuine tone, he blushed a little.

"Thanks, Y/N, but miss me with that soft shit." He tried to sound hard, but my smile was making him want to smile.

"AWWWW FEZ! I MADE ASH BLUSHHH! You're so cute!" I reached out to pinch his cheeks and he threatened to slap my hand away.

Just as he said that, Fez walked in the back room.

"What was that little man? You just threaten to hit my girl?" Fez came over and grabbed my hand as I smirked.

"Yea he did baby!" I said with a pout as I shot Ash a sneaky wink.

He stared me down with an evil glare before saying,

"Fezco she was gonna pinch my cheeks! I am not a little kid no more!!" He exclaimed and his voice cracked.

Fez and I turned to look at each other before cracking up. Ash flipped us the bird and walked to the front. Fez turned to look at me.

"I love you, so much, you know?" He said as his eyes gleamed while looking into mine.

"I love you to the moon and back 1,000 times." I smiled before leaning in to kiss him.

"You remember when we first met? Who knew we'd be here.." Fez said and placed a kiss on your forehead.

"I think you did, you were totally into me!" I joked, causing him to chuckle.

"You were into me too, don't li-." I cut him off with another kiss, this one more passionate then the last.

Fez's hands rested lightly on my throat and cheek, respectively. I had my hands cupping the sides of his face. Everything about the way our lips fit together made me melt. I was so in love and so was Fez, and even though life wasn't perfect, we were happy together, and that's all that mattered.

[sammysreelreviews]

Counting Down The 10 Most Shocking Moments From My Favorite TV Shows

So I just finished Jane the Virgin and it inspired me to make a list of moments in television that had me fucking SHOOK. Maybe some other things happened in the show that were just as crazy but these are the moments that affected me personally. This list was so spontaneous but it might be my favorite one cause it was a nice trip down memory lane. Any who, here are the moments that have fucked me up along the years! 

WARNING: LOTS AND LOTS OF SPOILERS!!!

10. Gossip Girl: The Dark Prince

Let’s be clear Gossip Girl stopped being the show it was by season 4 by adding insane story lines but one that was realistic was Queen B marrying a real life prince! Although there are some minor hiccups Blair finally has the dream wedding she always wanted. Unfortunately everything comes crashing down when Louis basically tells her that she means nothing to him and the marriage is now just for show. This SHOOK me cause Louis was such a good guy until that exact moment. Ugh the moment he whispered those vile words to Blair her heart dropped and so did mine.

9. Elite: So who’s actually dead?

From the beginning it was clear that one of the promiscuous teens of Elite was going to die it’s just not who you’d expect! In the first episode you find out that it’s none other than Marina! She was such a big part in the first episode I didn’t think her character would be the one to kick the bucket. Yes I am aware that the real mystery of the show is who’s the murderer but Marina being dead threw me for a loop.

8. On My Block: The Quinceañera from Hell.

On My Block is supposed to be funny and it was until the last fucking episode of season one. Ruby decides to throw his crush Olivia a Quinceañera and everything goes smoothly, she even gets to face time her parents that got deported, until Cesar’s past comes to crash the party. Let me explain. Cesar finally joined his brother’s gang and had the job of executing Latrelle who’s from an opposing gang. Cesar is too sweet for his own good and lets him live. Unfortunately Latrelle shows up to Olivia’s Quinceañera, uninvited, and fires at Cesar but hits Ruby and Olivia in the process. In the end of the episode two ambulances are on their way to the hospital and ones lights go off indicating one of them has died. At the beginning of season two we finally find out that Olivia has passed which is sad and like talk about the worst birthday party ever!

7. Pretty Little Liars: Boo!

There were literally 100 different A’s on this god forsaken show but the final A reveal was definitely the best. Spencer and Ezra have been kidnapped by A in a weird underground whatever thing and Spencer wakes up to her reflection only it’s not her reflection ITS HER TWIN. The elite PLL fans like myself always had theories of Spencer having a twin but when it actually happened I couldn’t believe my eyes. When Alex puts her hand down and says “boo!”... chills literal fucking chills.

6. Vampire Diaries: Dead girls walking.

I could honestly make a list of the top ten shocking moments from the Vampire Diaries alone but this one had 15 year old me shaking in my Ugg boots. Jeremy’s first love Vicki died in season one, which was like WILD for 2009 let me tell you, and his other lover Anna also died. In the season two finale we see two shadows walking around following Jeremy in his house and they’re none other than Vicki and Anna looking straight at Jeremy and even speaking to him. At this point in the show people coming back from the dead was unheard of and this is why it beat everything else.

5. Dark: What REALLY happened that night?

Ok so Dark has a lot of WTF moments like the entire show is a total mindfuck but in season 2 they answered a question and I was not prepared for the answer. Let’s back track realllll quick. Mikkel goes missing in the woods one night and no one finds him BUT Mikkel is alive and well he’s just in the year 1986! In the cave he went through there was a wormhole that took him to the past but the question was, how the fuck did he even end up there!? In the last episode of season two Jonas, Mikkel’s son (I know it’s confusing) goes back in time to stop Mikkel from disappearing to make everything right. Jonas talks to his dad, adult Mikkel, and Mikkel drops the bomb that Jonas was the one to lead him to the fucking wormhole in the first place!!! Everything about this show is absolutely insane but I mean this shit was INSANE. I literally could not believe what I was hearing and honestly neither could Jonas.

4. Jane the Virgin: Have a nice day bae!

Michael begins his day going to take a test and he doesn’t come back. I am so team Michael just so y’all know so I loved the flashbacks of the fair with Jane this episode. What I DIDN’T like was the end of this episode. When Michael “died” I dead ass did not watch the rest of season 3 until it was streaming on Netflix. I sobbed so bad and then at the end of the episode when Jane gets the phone call that Michaels “dead” WOW that shit HURT. Thankfully I decided to keep watching the show cause at the season 4 finale Michael is alive and well but has a little amnesia. I literally will never forgive the writers for ripping my heart out and stomping on it.

3. American Horror Story: Running in circles.

Violet tried to kill herself and Tate saves her by making her throw up except, she didn’t actually survive. Violet is depressed and stays home and it’s not until she tries to leave the house do you realize she’s actually been dead for a couple episodes. Its heartbreaking cause she’ll be stuck in that house forever but the moment you see her dead corpse was absolutely disgusting and heartbreaking at the same time.

2. Skins: Where’s Cook’s main hoe?

When Skins came back for a 7th season wrapping up the lives of Effy, Cassie, and Cook I thought we were gonna get some closure but what I got from Cook’s episodes was very unexpected. There’s honestly a lot going on in Skins Rise but Cook’s second episode has him facing off his psychotic boss Louie. Let me give a little backstory. Cook deals drugs for Louie but Louie made Cook drive his girlfriend Charlie around. Cook being Cook fucks Charlie while simultaneously cheating on his own girlfriend Emma which makes it super awkward when the three of them runaway together to get away from a psychotic Louie. Before Cook absolutely beats the shit out of Louie he’s in the woods looking for Emma and he fucking finds her in a clearing HANGING on a tree!!! Like WHAT THE FUCK!!! Skins has never been THAT brutal and I honestly think it was the most jaw dropping moment that ever happened on the show. God I love Skins but I did NOT love that death like can my baby Cook just be happy!?!

1. Degrassi: The Next Generation: A night to forget.

I was 13 the first time I got my heart broken, the perpetrator, Degrassi: The Next Generation. I was OBSESSED with this show I watched it from the very beginning. JT was my literal MAN like I loved him so much and when they CRUELLY killed him off I legit didn’t want to go to school the following Monday. JT dying is number one because it was my first big TV death and I’ll never forget it along with Liberty’s blood curdling screams.

[womenofcolor15]

The Oscars Were Pretty Dry, But The Afterparty & Watch Party Scene HIT – The Wades, The Wests, The Wilsons, Klay & Laura, Kerry, Tracee, Tessa, Lena & MORE!

In case the Oscars didn’t do it for you, the afterparty scene was super LIT. Go inside to see how your faves Kanye & Kim West, Gabby & D.Wade, Ciara & Russell Wilson, Tracee Ellis Ross, Tessa Thompson, Lena Waithe and tons more hit the afterparty scene….

This year’s Oscars ceremony was REAL white, dry and unseasoned.

However, the afterparty scene was lit with melanin and celebs def brought their A+ fashion game to Vanity Fair’s annual Oscars afterparty - hosted by Radhika Jones - held at Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts in Beverly Hills. All the “IT” folks were there to mix, mingle and have fun.

  OK...we see Gabrielle Union and her hubby Dwyane Wade coordinated their party 'fits.

Rocking a spring-inspired floral look, the former “AGT” judge slipped on a white strapless Giambattista Valli midi dress that featured white 3D flowers cinched at the waist with a diamond-encrusted belt. She paired the dress with a bomb pair of Jimmy Choo’s ‘Thyra’ sandals.

In case you've been under a rock, catch up on all the deets involving Gabby and her departure from "America's Got Talent" HERE.

Coordinating with his wife, the retired NBA baller rocked a white blazer with lace detailing, black trousers and black shoes. 

Mr. & Mrs. West were in the building! Rapper Kanye West showed up at the soiree in an all black Alfred Dunhill 'fit while his wife Kim Kardashian West rocked a dramatic Alexander McQueen dress for the festivities:

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                  Before The Wests went to an Oscars party.... #KanyeWest #KimKardashianWest

A post shared by TheYBF (@theybf_daily) on Feb 10, 2020 at 5:54am PST

    We see you Queen!

American Son actress Kerry Washington killed this Zuhair Murad couture outfit, styled by Luxury Law.

If you haven't heard, she's starring opposite Reese Witherspoon in Hulu's upcoming miniseries, Little Fires Everywhere. Peep the explosive trailer HERE.

Another win for Zuhair Murad!

"black-ish" starlet Tracee Ellis Ross looked like goddess when she hit the carpet in this gold Zuhair Murad Spring 2020 Couture gown with a pleated cape.

The Golden Globe winning actress accessorized her look with Jennifer Meyer Jewelry.

Twirl sis!

        View this post on Instagram

                  @vanityfair portrait by @markseliger and BTS images by @katiecouric #vfoscars

A post shared by Tracee Ellis Ross (@traceeellisross) on Feb 10, 2020 at 1:01am PST

  The Wilsons have been super busy this week, hitting up fashion shows and doing date night. Ciara had to get cut out her dress, Russell Wilson has been getting clowned on social media for his new hair. Either way, they've been outside, bumping along with their growing baby.

The "Level Up" singer is pregnant with her third baby STILL out here looking like a bag of money: 

The "America's Most Talented Family" judge stunned in a custom sparkling Ralph & Russo gown that featured a thigh-high slit and crystals.

        View this post on Instagram

                      A post shared by Ciara (@ciara) on Feb 10, 2020 at 10:22am PST

Sheesh. We love to see it.

  We were counting on Chrissy Teigen to gives us some meme-able moments during the ceremony, but that sadly didn't happen. However, chick was on the afterparty scene with her hubby/EGOT John Legend.

The "Lip Sync Battle" color commentator floated on the carpet in a seafom green Georges Hobeika couture gown.

Speaking of EGOT...

Oscar nomiee Cynthia Erivo was in the running in two categories and had she won one, she would have officially reached EGOT status. Not only that, she would have been the youngest person and the one who reached the big feat the fastest. Unfortunately, she didn't nab an award last night, however, chick slayed the Oscars red carpet and the afterpary carpet.

The British born actress wowed in a lilac and teal gown with a thigh-high slit. It resembled her white Versace gown she wore on the carpet.

After chatting it up with celebs on the red carpet for the Oscars before the show, "POSE" actor Billy Porter changed from his Giles Deacon couture gown to something more dance ready. The Golden Globe nominated actor slipped into this custom purple and lilac Christian Siriano 'fit, topped with a custom Sarah Sokol Millinery brimmed hat, and a "F*CK U PAY ME" clutch by These Pink Lips.

Billy stay shutting down a carpet, honey.

Kiki Layne is def becoming one of our faves to see on a carpet because chick hardly ever disappoints. Like, ever.

The If Beale Street Could Talk actress looked regal in this sparkly gold Michael Kors gown, styled by Wayman and Micah. The hair, her skin...walking perfection.

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                  #reginaking x #prada Hair: @larryjarahsims MUA: @makeupbylatrice x #vanityfair

A post shared by Wayman + Micah (@waymanandmicah) on Feb 10, 2020 at 8:59am PST

  After getting kissy with Brad Pitt, Oscar winning actress Regina King hit the afterparty scene in a baby blue and black Versace gown, styled by Wayman + Michah.

"Westworld" actress Tessa Thompson looked bomb on the carpet in this mint green trimmed in black vintage Versace high slit gown. Sis snapped with this one.

Actress Megalyn Echikunwoke posed it up at VF's afterparty after cheering her man Chris Rock on during the ceremony.

The "Almost Famous" actress posed it up in a white strappy Hamel gown paired with Stuart Weitzman heels.

Fab directress Ava DuVernay follows a specific blueprint when it comes to her red carpet looks and her Oscars look didn't stray from what works for her. The "When They See Us" director wore an emerald green Galia Lahav gown, styled by Jason Bolden.

On the carpet, the SELMA director snapped shots with EMMY winning writer Lena Waithe.

"The Chi" creator - who recently announced she was getting a divorce after less than a year of marriage - rocked Rich Fresh threads for the Oscars afterparty.

Television producer Shonda Rhimes was all smiles on the carpet in a printed black and white dress. 

Oscar winning producer Spike Lee kept his custom Gucci suit on where he paid tribute to the late NBA icon Kobe Bryant. His wife, Tonya Lewis Lee, joined him on the carpet.

Yasssss! Fashion model Halima Aden totally killed this look. She was styling and profiling in a custom-made Atelier by FANG signature pleated fan gown. It was def a one of a kind look that she pulled off perfectly:

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                  I MEANNN!!!! Dream dress thank you sooo much @katie.keim & @byfang_official for this one of a kind LOOK

A post shared by Halima (@halima) on Feb 9, 2020 at 10:46pm PST

  Hmmm...no. We're not feeling model Joan Smalls' Schiaparelli look. What about you all?

"This Is Us" actress Susan Kelechi Watson was picture perfect in Naeem Khan and Stuart Weitzman heels.

"Grey's Anatomy" star Jesse Williams hit the carpet solo, sans his girlfriend/ZOLA actress Taylour Paige.

Rapper Wiz Khalifa put his blunt down long enough to snap a flick on the carpet.

Hmm...do y'all see what we see, or are we reaching?

After celebrating her man's birthday, BlacKKKlansman starlet Laura Harrier posed it up with her BAE/Golden State Warriors player Klay Thompson.

The Spider-Man: Homecoming actress wore a Louis Vuitton ensemble that featured a bustier and a stripped skirt.

  Los Angeles Lakers player Anthony Davis brought his longtime girlfriend/mother of his daughter Marlen P. Both. It's rumored he may propose soon.

Singer Miguel and his wife Nazanin Mandi looked goodt.

Looks like singer Usher - in a silk Balmain 'fit - saw something that caught his eye.

Singer Anderson .Paak was too cool for school.

"How To Get Away With Murder" star Aja Naomi King looked like a princess in a Mylah Morales dress, styled by Wayman + Micah.

Come all the way through, Jurnee Smollett!

The Birds of Prey actor looked amazing in a black LBV plunging neckline hooded jersey gown, Jimmy Choo heels, styled by Luxury Law.

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                  Sometimes you just need a little bit of Grace in your life. #vanityfair #oscars

A post shared by Jurnee Smollett Bell (@jurneebell) on Feb 10, 2020 at 2:33am PST

  Musical icon Chaka Khan came though looking like the musical goddess that she is...high slits and all.

Bad Boys For Life actor Martin Lawrence brought his fiancee Roberta Moradfar to turn up.

"When They See Us" actor Michael K. Williams pulled up on the party scene.

"Parks & Recreation" star Rashida Jones wowed in a long, black gown.

Our political queen! 

Congresswoman Maxine Waters looked like a bag of money.

Maya Rudolph - who presented during the ceremony - kept it cute in a maroon mini dress.

Trans activist/"POSE" executive producer Janet Mock posed it up alongside "POSE" actor Angel Bismark Curiel.

"Queer Eye" star Karamo Brown and his fiance Ian Jordan got kissy on the carpet.

EMMY winner Keegan-Michael Key brought his wife/film producer Elisa Key as his date for the afterparty festivities.

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                  Tradition #vanityfairoscarparty

A post shared by Gabrielle Union-Wade (@gabunion) on Feb 10, 2020 at 8:33am PST

  Photos: Getty/MEGA/Backgrid/INSTAR

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2020/02/10/the-oscars-were-pretty-dry-but-the-afterparty-scene-brought-out-all-your-faves-%E2%80%93-the-wade

[kpstoryfiles-blog]

Chapter 1: All Work, No Play

Jolie

I had just finished unpacking my last suitcase that I took with me to Turks and Caicos last week. My family tries to go on a family vacation each year, and this year we finally went to the islands. We’ve only been back for 2 days and I have yet to see my father, or aunt, or anyone else for that matter. It’s like as soon as we landed back in California, it was work mode all over again. I love my dad and everything he does for me and the family, but he needs a break sometimes. I thought that him spending two weeks in Turks would help, but even on vacation he managed to network with a drug dealer out there. He just doesn’t know when to stop.

 Throwing the empty suitcase into my walk-in closet, I placed my iPhone in my back pocket and made my way down to his office. As my bare feet hit the marble floors of our mansion, I could hear my dad’s voice and another male’s voice speaking rather loudly as I approached the hallway with each step. i paused for a minute, trying to distinguish the voice but to no avail; I hurriedly entered the room without knocking (my dad hates that) and made my presence known.

 “Hey daddy. Hi uncle Daniel.” I spoke in a very soft-like tone.

 Both men looked at me with complete anger on their faces. I knew something was wrong, the vibe in the room was just off.

 “Hey baby girl, I was just leaving. I’ll see you later next week for your birthday dinner, ok? I’ll work on that problem we got Vic. He won’t be able to leave Los Angeles, let alone the country when I’m done with him.”

 My dad nodded his head, and my godfather exited the office leaving us alone.

 “Jolie, how many times do I have to tell you to stop barging in the office, just knock first.”

 “I know, I’m sorry. I just haven’t seen you since we got back. You’re always working.” I replied.

 “Yes, so my spoiled daughter can shop and buy all the Louis Vuitton, Chanel, and whatever else she wants.” He laughed.

 “So, what was Daniel talking about? Who’s getting hurt this time?” I inquired.

 My father and godfather never let me know what was going on. They said it was for the better. My dad, Victor Leon, is the most successful kingpin in Los Angeles. In his line of work, he also has many enemies. People who would love to see me and my whole family dead.

 “That’s nothing for you to worry about. Just focus on your birthday coming up. I want you to be happy, ok.”

 I nodded and got up to kiss my dad on the cheek. I walked out of his office feeling worse than I felt before. A dark cloud was coming to consume our lives, and there was nothing I could do about it. I just hope my family is safe from harm.

 “Ooh bitch, Miami is gonna be sooo lit! I want all the liquor and niggas in our section at the club!” Brooke exclaimed while looking through a rack of dresses in Neiman Marcus.

 I’m leaving for Miami in two days with my best friends Brooke and Sydney, and my little cousin Brielle. The four of us, plus our security detail that my dad forced me to have, are spending about a week out there. We have no definite plans, just a whole bunch of shit that we want to do while we’re there. Brooke wants to find a temporary bae, Brielle wants to get white girl wasted since it’s her first time leaving California without family, while Sydney and I just want to shop.

 “Does this look good?” I said modeling a Herve Leger dress for the girls to see. They both nodded in agreement while I headed back to the dressing room.

 “For real though Jo, we gotta hit up the strip down there. I bet those bitches in Miami ain’t got no style. Andrea told me they got some popping boutiques.” said Sydney.

 “Bet. Is Andrea chilling with us when we touchdown or are we gonna have to act like tourists the whole trip?” I replied.

 “I doubt it. She just had a baby, so she might not be able to party.” Sydney retorted.

 Andrea was a good friend of ours from college until she moved to Miami to be with her boyfriend. Her family told her not to follow a man, especially one she wasn’t married to, but she went anyway. Two years later, Andrea got pregnant and her boyfriend got drafted to the NFL and left her to be a single mom. Hopefully when we visit her, she’ll get the courage to come back home to her family and friends. She doesn’t belong in Miami by herself.

 The three of us finished shopping and headed back home. I dropped Sydney off at her grandmother’s house, so it was just me and Brooke in the car. Brooke has been acting funny all day and I feel like she’s hiding something from me. She’s been my best friend since we were in elementary school so she’s like the sister I never had; I know her like the back of my hand.

 “I can tell when something is bothering you so spill it Brooke.” I spoke.

 She stared out the window for a while then turned in her seat to face me as we approached a red light.

 “Promise you won’t get mad?” she sighed.

 “Mhm, I promise. Now tell me.”

 “I ran into Drew last week. He and Tony are back in the city for good. I need to leave again Jolie.” She whimpered as tears ran down her face.

 I immediately pulled over to a side street and pared the car; this was serious. Drew is my ex-boyfriend from college and Tony is Brooke’s ex. Drew and I had a regular relationship, nothing too serious. He always wanted me to ask my dad could he work for him, but I denied it. I never want to date a man that’s in my dad’s line of work. I already stress over my father, godfather, and uncle-in-law’s safety. Adding a boyfriend to that stress would be too much for me.

  However, Tony and Brooke were a different story. Tony was possessive and extremely jealous. Brooke is a beautiful girl but she’s loyal. No matter how many guys approached her on campus, she always made it known that she was with Tony, but that wasn’t enough for him. He became enraged one night when Brooke was studying with a male classmate. That night he beat Brooke so bad in her dorm and no one helped her. I found her the next day when she wasn’t answering my calls and took her to the hospital. My aunt Mila helped take care of Brooke and she lived with us all throughout college. As for Tony, he disappeared with Drew when he found out Brooke pressed charges and put out a restraining order. She’s made progress, but I know the thought of Tony coming back to town scares her.

 “Well did Drew say anything to you? Was Tony with him?” I rushed out. I took my phone out the cup holder and began texting my father.

 “He just said hello, asked how I was doing. He also asked about you, and if you still were living in Hidden Hills. I didn’t say anything to him. That’s when he told me about Tony and how he’d be glad to see I was back in Los Angeles. I can’t let Tony find me, Jolie. He’s still angry about the charges and restraining order!” she sobbed.

 “He won’t get to you, I promise. We’ll be in Miami in forty-eight hours, and when we get back you can stay with us again, my dad won’t mind. He loves you like a daughter.” I assured.

 She nodded, and I wiped her tears and hugged her. My dad was right to give me a security detail because I need it now more than ever. Drew was stalking me after our breakup, which forced us to move from Hidden Hills to Orange County. I still ride up to Los Angeles every now and then for business and friends, but I must be more careful. If Drew knows Brooke is in the area, then he knows I’m not too far away. The last thing I want is to move again. My dad and aunt said next time, we’re moving out of state. But now that’s looking like a possibility.

[yeoldontknow]

ayo bae it’s time to get lit~

what follows below is an introduction (attack) post for @igot7bangtanbaes, who has dipped her toe into the EXO water and now i would like to drown her. :3

as light of my life Kim Junmyeon once said:

LET’S GET HEATED

when EXO debuted, there originally were 12 members and they were divided into two subgroups: EXO-K and EXO-M. three members have left, so now we are left with an OT9 (but i still cherish the hell out of the past three members, they are important). eight of the members are korean and only one is chinese, so now it is time to meet your new kings. going youngest to oldest (and also because you seem hella hyped for sehun so imma start there)

Oh Sehun

the king of hearts (everyone’s heart tbh)

Name: Oh Sehun

Stage Name: Sehun

DOB: April 12, 1994

Position: (1/2) main rapper, (1/3) lead dancer, occasional vox (least we forget when he sang baek’s part in I Sing For You??)

facts as stated in the GC: maknae of the group, but also a model like he’s a prince from a different time. he often models for louis vuitton and has had spreads in vogue and marie claire, and like...he’s a king. actually, he is the lord to a small plot of land in scotland because his fans are The Most Extra and bought him goddamn Title for his birthday i cannot even. loads of people think he’s really cold and kinda stand-offish because he has the strongest resting bitch face, but he is The Biggest Softie and so Sweet. once got injured during a tour and cried, not because he couldn’t perform or that it hurt but, because he absolutely did not want to let his fans down and felt horrible. dog dad to Vivi, a white fluff made of joy. if you throw vivi replica plushies on stage at him, he will make it a point to collect them all like they are pokemon. dances like an actual rent boy and is overall, an Excellent Bias (im 90% sure this is where you will live but imma keep going to be sure).

Kim Jongin

the king of hell

Name: Kim Jongin

Stage Name: Kai

Birthday: January 14, 1994

Position: (2/3) lead dancer; rapper; vox; visual

a devil/demon here to wreck your life and smile while doing it. tbh, jongin aka nini and kai are two very different people. jongin is a soft boy. he has a silly low laugh that vibrates through his whole body and turns his mouth into a massive circle. he gets shy super easily and is always smiling. loves teddy bears, flower crowns, and fried chicken. is father to three dogs that he calls his children (no subs here just look at the smiles and cry a lot). kai on the other hand is just a torpedo of sexual tension and muscles on his abs where i didn’t know muscles could be. will smirk at you and watch with a grin as you light on fire in the aftermath. once danced so hard he destroyed his shoe. moves his hips like its a gun and you are his target. studied dance for years because that’s all he wants to do, is best friends with SHINee’s taemin. recently started acting because LOOK AT HIS FACE?? like, wow so beautiful. he is art. also super proud of how dark his skin is, which is considered v-dark culturally in korea and hopes that his children will have his skin tone, what a babe. 

DO Kyungsoo

the king of souls

Name: DO Kyungsoo

Stage Name: D.O

Birthday: January 12, 1993

Position: main vocalist

nicknamed satansoo because he takes no shit and always looks like he’d happily kill a man if it meant he could have one day of peace. very close with jongin, has a large soft spot for him (jongin may be the only person soo hasn’t actively wanted to slap). called satansoo but actually a Soft Boy; domestic AF. boy cooks (often cooks for the members), loves to read, routinely dates himself, and is very humble and kind. has a smile that can light up the earth with the force of its power. sings like an angel but is also seductive like a demon. rich chocolate vocal tones and a soft speaking voice, amazing actor. out here winning awards for his acting in recent films like boy!!

Park Chanyeol

the king of the chogidab

Name: Park Chanyeol

Stage Name: Chanyeol

Birthday: November 27, 1992

Position (under me): (2/2) main rapper; vocalist; the voice of exo; songwriter!!!; general overall talent

i will do my absolute best to keep this brief. this boy is my ult and i could wax poetic about him until the inevitable heat death of the universe. part of the beagle line with baekhyun and jongdae, cannot sit still nor control his limbs. generally is the no dance line but tries His Best and is so adorable while doing it. might not be able to dance well but does literally everything else. piano? you got it. guitar? he literally played radiohead. moog synthesizer? bought one because he could and thought it would be cool. vocals? allow me to show you his soundcloud. please live and die here. writes songs, is working his way through the athletic alphabet, raps like A Man, famously said ‘you lovin’ the size.’ once said ‘i’m yours’ on a radio station and the entire country got pregnant. overall soft boy who looks like it hurts to laugh, like it causes him physical pain to keep joy inside. amazing with kids. 

Kim Jongdae

the king of smiles

Name: Kim Jongdae

Stage Name: Chen

Birthday: May 6, 1992

Position: main vocalist

A TRUE KING OK. part of the beagle line with PCY and baekhyun. when he smiles his face is literally :} = has The Best Mouth. doesn’t think junmyeon is very funny but is simultaneously really soft for him, and will usually be among the first to praise him. is actually married to minseok - super close and have the most beautiful friendship. a literal actual ball of energy, loud as shit, and usually yelling WHY?? when he has no liquid left in his body and is sweating out his soul, he will still scream. insanely strong, stable vocals. i repeat: insanely. strong. vocals. also, coming hard for dance-line. part of EXO sub unit EXO-CBX with baekhyun and minseok. 

Byun Baekhyun

king of hoeing (idk ask @kpopfanfictrash)

Name: Byun Baekhyun

Stage Name: Baekhyun

Birthday: May 6, 1992

Position: main vocalist; also coming for the dance line

proudly gets to hold the position of tallest member of EXO-CBX. auditioned at the same time as jongdae and is know for his enthusiastic dancing. jongin once said that when he saw baek dancing it was a mess, and baek confirmed this by saing ‘it looked like mollusks dancing.’ body is double jointed and when he extends his arms it, they look like lightning bolts; thinks this might also be a disease but is ok with it. voice of literal, actual angels. looks better in smoky eye makeup than most models and is king of selfies. literally taught fans how to take a selfie. once was on instagram live and made me stare at a damn wall for 30 minutes before playing yixing’s solo album. 

Zhang Yixing

king of the entire universe

Name: Zhang Yixing

Stage Name: Lay

Birthday: October 7, 1991

Position: (3/3) lead dancer; vocalist; light of everyone’s life

even if you aren’t a soft person, you are soft for yixing. it’s one of the laws of the universe, you will always be soft for him. im going to raise an unpopular opinion and announce that i often find i prefer watching yixing dance over everyone else. when his body moves, it’s perfect into a literal art and i cry every time. the last remaining chinese member of EXO and must be protected at. all. costs. was a child actor in china before wanting to become an idol. if he could play any character in a movie, he’d like to play a dinosaur or the villain. was once told that if he wanted to improve his korean he needed to get a girlfriend. writes his own songs and plays guitar. his solo debut was the highest sales of a solo album in south korea, can you even believe. generally made of sunshine and light and love and MUST BE PROTECTED. 

Kim Junmyeon

king of money

Name: Kim Junmyeon

Stage Name: Suho

Birthday: May 22, 1991

Position: leader of EXO; vocalist

trained the longest of any member! trained for seven (7) years before making his debut with EXO, resulting in him training with most of SHINee. makes awful dad jokes and has an oddball sense of humour, but we cherish him anyway. secretly keeping abs beneath his soft tee shirts. nicknamed junmoney because he treated a lot of the members in their early days when they didn’t have money, and now they all think he’s rich. the doorman at his apartment calls him Handsome Man. messiest member but also among the most humble. always makes sure to thank everyone at awards ceremonies, refusing to leave anyone who helped them out. great at math. has a solo song called curtain that literally brought me and most of the people i know to tears within the first 90 seconds. 

Kim Minseok

king of kitties

Name: Kim Minseok

Stage Name: Xiumin

Birthday: March 26, 1990

Position: vocals; sometimes rap; moving up on the dance line

oldest member of EXO while simultaneously refusing to age. honestly, he has not aged at all. he might be a wizard. hugely popular in korea and is also holding abs of steel beneath his soft tee shirts. member of EXO subunit EXO-CBX. literally can rock any hair colour. currently getting his Ph.D and will be called Doctor Kim, i die. a general soft boy who is also a cat, but WILL WRECK YOU. boy is a pimp and will come for your ass if he detects even a moment of weakness. 

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY GIRL.

[survivormoves]

Fox voice: me pls?

Do I Follow Them?:  this timid baby fox? hell to the yea I do, how can someone NOT follow britt? she’s such a cutie patootie

Why Did I Follow Them?:  UHM. BECAUSE FOX???? fox is bae. And then I found out about Louis. aND THEN GINA. Britt rules at all of them ok.  And ugh all the brot3 between the johns and fox. im crying. let me cry in peace.

Do We Role Play?:  HELL TO THE YES WE DO.

Do I Want To Role Play With Them: ON ALL ACCOUNTS YES.

An AU Idea For Our Muses: Any au where they’re alive and happy

A Song For Our Muses: safe and sound | look it can fit for both dead fox and still alive fox ok. i just got a lot of brot3 feels with this song

Do I Ship Our Muses?: brot3 yes. and mbege and fox def a lil rare pair otp of mine

What I Think About The Mun: AN ABSOLUTE CUTIE. WHAT A SWEET FOX I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE AND HUG AND HOLD CLOSE OK FOREVER. Britt ur a sweetheart and always so kind and positive to me and wtf how did i deserve someone as sweet as you?

Overall Opinion: you should be following and showering her with love and talking to her its worth it all i assure u she’s gr8

Blog Rate: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 [ your blog is simple but pleasing to the eyes, i really love the picture you chose with the fox too!!

[theotherscarmanthewoman]

Series 2 Episode 3: Fight the World You’re In (and other stories)

As I mentioned in the recap of the first episode of this serial, I’m going to be sticking to episode three as broadcast, unless watching the reconstructed episodes three and four throws up any gems OR INDEED SCENES THAT ARE CRUCIAL TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE ENTIRE SHOW, in which case I’ll mention it. Otherwise I’m not going to bother summarising cut scenes, as many of them are boring as hell and have no giant plugholes in them. Also, you should be warned that there is a LOT of caps lock going on this week. (Also, I watched the reconstructions after having done the review, so there may be some...er...inconsistencies of tone and trajectory where I talk about the cut scenes. I've tried to go back over it to iron it out, but if this week's review feels like a bit of a hodgepodge, that's why.) Anyway, Susan and the Doctor are about to be drownded because they’re hiding in the sink and the murderous scientist washing his hands of his deeds is about to pull the plug. Quick! Into the overflow pipe!

Back on the workbench, Babs reckons the Space Fam must indeed be drowned; Ian, because he doesn’t have x-ray vision, determines to find out. Cut Scene of Interest: the cat drank some water and died, and the Space Baes go into morbid detail describing its dead body. R.I.P., Jurassic Cat. As they both climb back down into the surprisingly dry sink, Ian tells Babs she needn’t come if she doesn’t want to, but when indeed has that ever stopped Barbara Wright doing a thing? I should also warn you at this point that I once again have the InfoText on, which informs me that there was a retake of Ian and Barbara climbing down the plug chain because Jacqueline Hill’s hand was in shot before she climbed down. Whoops. But the important thing is that they actually came into shot from a stepladder off-camera, which gives me funny pictures in my head. Ok, so here’s the first scene that ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN CUT, because in it Barbara and Ian discuss what they would do if the Doctor and Susan really were dead:

Barbara: What do we do? I mean, that’s it, what can we do? Ian: Go on living. Fight the world we’re in. Make something of it. Barbara: You never give in, do you? Ian: If it were only me… Barbara: It wouldn’t be any different.

ARGH this really, really shouldn’t have been cut, because it gives us a little window into Ian’s head that was sorely needed round about the time he thought all his friends were dead in The Reign of Terror and threw himself into the English spy ring subplot rather than allowing himself even a moment (well, an onscreen moment anyway) to mourn the apparent death of Babs, Susan, and the Doctor. It also makes sense of what I thought was an odd choice for Ian given his mostly left-leaning political stance: when all else is lost, you just fight the world you’re in. And actually, despite Ian’s implied protest that the only reason he never gives in is essentially for Babs’s benefit, we’ve already seen that fighting the world he’s in is exactly what he does when he thinks in is only him left in it. (But seriously, why was this cut? JUSTICE FOR IAN’S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.) Also, though obviously I’m delighted that the Doctor and Susan aren’t drowned, a small (ok, a large) part of me would like to see a spinoff in which Barbara and Ian become Borrower-sized superheroes, fighting injustice and saving the planet from deadly chemical weapons with a reel of cotton and some paperclips. Like The Girl Who Waited, but with teeny-tiny sixties schoolteachers.

Babs, Babs, Babs of the Plughole, strong as she can be!

Anyway, in the broadcast version, of the episode, Babs and Ian only momentarily believe their friends are dead, and Babs’s somewhat panicky ‘what do we do…what can we do?’ is cut short by Susan and the Doctor in full-on troll mode gloating over how difficult they are to kill. Everyone is delighted and the Space Fam is reunited and oh it is lovely indeed. Though there is an even lovelier (cut) moment in the plughole where the Doctor jokes about the Space Baes planning their lives without them. He knows those fuss-pots so well. Oh and here’s another crucial yet inexplicably cut scene: the humans reckon no government in their right minds would ever put an insecticide like this on the market, and there’s nothing they can do about it, so they may as well scarper. And then there’s this gorgeous little meta moment from the Doctor that grows into something HUGELY IMPORTANT:

Doctor: Our roles seem to be reversed for once. Barbara: What do you mean? Doctor: Aren’t I usually the one to condemn meddling? To urge that we leave well alone? But you see, my friends, this isn’t just a minor little tragedy in some forgotten backwater. Some person has invented a way of destroying a planet. Totally destroying it. I cannot, will not, stand by an allow a whole planet to be emptied of life. Barbara: But Doctor, we’re one inch high. What can we do like this? Doctor: At the moment, I don’t know, but we’ll find something. Let us start from one basic premise and hold on to it with all our determination: we will stop this chemical from being spread all over the world.

OH MY DAYS WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHYYYYYYYY DID THEY CUT THIS? This is the first time in the history of the show that the Doctor actually draws a line and decides that this, THIS RIGHT HERE, is what he will fight for. This is where he takes a stand. That he will not sit idly by and allow a planet to be destroyed. It also explains why the hell they all keep wandering about on the workbench instead of just getting back to the ship. Some idiot cut the beating heart out of this serial and I shall never forgive them. Plus the fact that the Doctor has actually put his foot down and rallied the (very reluctant) troops to save the world makes Barbara’s continued infuriating silence on the subject of her IMMINENT DEATH more understandable, in that it suggests that from this moment on she’s hoping they manage to foil the baddies and still make it back to the Tardis in time to effect a miracle cure. Even though, as we shall see, the Doctor is ultimately ok with her choosing to risk her life to give them all a chance to try to save the planet. (I should also take this opportunity to note that they guy doing the William Hartnell impersonation for the cut scenes is phenomenal and should have many prank phone calls with Culshaw!Four.) We skip back over to Forester and Smithers. Forester is planning to ring the murdered Farrow’s department and impersonate him. What could possibly go wrong? We go to what appears to be a rural post office, where the woman operating the telephone switchboard is hilariously un-fooled by Forester’s muffled voice (courtesy of a handkerchief over the mouthpiece). Though the guy Farrow works with is totally conned.

(I do feel a bit bad skipping over the cut scenes at the switchboard, as Hilda the operator basically saves the day by being nosey and not being idiotic enough to believe that Forester talking through a hanky is actually Mr. Farrow. But life is short, and these cut scenes are long. Hilda, you're great, and you deserve more time than I'm giving you.) We cut to a giant notebook that has chemistry things in it. Susan spots that it’s a formula, and Ian tells her she’s right. IAN, REMEMBER THAT THIS YOUNG WOMAN IS CLEVERER THAN YOU. Babs reckons that if it’s the formula for the insecticide, they might be able to find a cure. Ian is, however, almost aggressively dismissive: ‘A cure? What’s the good of that?’ Barbara, instead of taking this opportunity to mention that she is dying, plays it casual: ‘I dunno…’

Susan channels her inner Audrey Horne

TELL THEM YOU ARE DYING, BARBARA, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY. Going back to that cut scene for a moment, you do forget that in Classic Who in the very early days, it’s not just the normal thing for the gang to discover something amiss and to take it upon themselves to right a wrong. There has to be something in it for Team Tardis before they’ll meddle. Which is why none of these scenes by the notebook make any sense without that earlier scene in which the Doctor puts his foot down. Ian reckons if they’re going to do anything at all they should stop the insecticide (a bit of dialogue that makes no sense without the aforementioned decision to meddle); as Susan points out, they only need a cure if someone’s infected. LIKE BARBARA. How has nobody spotted she’s ill yet? The Doctor reckons the more they know about their enemy, the better, so he gets Ian to mark out sections of the notebook with his feet while Barbara and Susan read what they see, so that the Doctor can write down what’s written there on a smaller scale. Just to reiterate: the Doctor is using Ian as a bookmark in this scene. There’s some cut material in which they read out shit from the notebook followed by yet more cut switchboard shenanigans, and then the Doctor has the formula. Ian is rather sweet trying to understand it, but then admits that he’s reached his Sciency limit. It’s ok, hun, you don’t need to be a specialist in insecticides to teach O Level Chemistry. What is Ian’s specialism, anyway?

A less-than-captive audience

The Doctor takes over in layman’s terms: the inventor has made the insecticide EVERLASTING. Which, as Susan and Ian point out, means it’ll get into the soil and the water and stuff. Babs asks whether it’ll be fatal to humans; the Doctor says yes, in sufficient quantities. She asks whether that’s just from ingesting it, but the Doctor reckons that contact with the skin will also do it. SHIT. Ian rubs it in a bit, going on about it penetrating the skin and all that, and Babs, WHO HAS BEEN IN CONTACT WITH THE INSECTICIDE AND IS DYING, stamps her foot and demands why they’re all just sitting here. Ian and Susan stare at her, and Susan at last asks whether she’s all right. Babara, FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO MAKE THE VIEWER TENSE (if we're talking about the broadcast version rather than the uncut version, at least) still doesn’t tell anyone she’s been in contact with the insecticide, but mentions she feels giddy and tells them some bullshit about just being hungry. The Doctor raises the issue of food (which they can’t eat) and Ian reckons the less they talk about food the happier he’ll be. Looks like someone is prone to hanger. Ian volunteers to go and fetch safe tap water for everyone, but the Doctor also wants to go in the direction of the sink on account of there being something over there that may be the answer to all their problems—A TELEPHONE. (Which will be useless to them on account of the sound thing he was explaining last week.) A cut scene explains that the Doctor wonders whether the sound thing will be the same over a load of telephone wires. In another cut scene, they are all nearly choked by Smithers lighting a cigarette and blowing smoke all over them. Which would have been a cool thing to keep in an environmental serial. The gang makes it to the telephone, and Babs and Susan have found a bung (or a cork?) from some of the Sciency equipment to prop up the receiver; Babs, looking knackered now, has been doing the heavy lifting. At last Ian seems to have noticed that all is not well with the now distinctly-out-of-breath Bae; possibly because the others are watching, she tells him not to make a fuss. And it’s adorable. Although… …BARBARA. FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME. INFORMING YOUR COMPANIONS THAT YOU ARE DYING IS NOT MAKING A FUSS, IT IS GIVING THEM ENOUGH TIME TO PREVENT YOUR UNTIMELY DEMISE.

Ian is making his confused puppy face, but has clearly decided that maybe these are Lady Things that require his discretion and pulls himself together, and ‘tactfully’ suggesting that he and Susan do the climbing up to the telephone as he, the Doctor, and Susan pass the bung upwards; Babs sits at the foot of the telephone with her head in her hands. The Doctor, however, gives zero fucks, and merely asks Barbara (politely) whether she minds getting another one of the bungs; she nods and staggers off. He watches her go with some concern, and when Barbara returns, the Doctor observes that his dear looks very tired; she agrees, and he suggests she go and sit down for a bit. Which is considerate. But SERIOUSLY this is not like Barbara at all, so can someone please ask her whether she’s been in touch with anything deadly? Once the bungs/corks are up at the top of the telephone, Ian calls the others up to give him a hand with his Atlas act, attempting to heave the world receiver onto his shoulders. As Susan and the Doctor come up, the Doctor asks Ian whether he reckons the three of them can manage, seeing as Barbara doesn’t look quite up to it. I feel like I am forever bringing this up, but I do love that the Doctor now has her back completely, in contrast to his willingness to leave her to die in an alien city. Ian sounds disgruntled, saying they’ll try, but Barbara seems determined to overcompensate for DYING and scrambles over to help; she, Ian, and the Doctor lift up the receiver while Susan wedges a cork under it. They’re all knackered…AND NOW THE OTHER END! Barbara looks bloody shattered, but she’ll get no sympathy (ok, marginally less sympathy) from me because she’s still being stoical FOR NO GOOD REASON (in the broadcast version at least yadda yadda you get my point that cutting that earlier scene in which the Doctor takes a stand means that Barbara's motivation for this entire serial is a nonsense). And OH SUCCESS! The switchboard has been alerted! Ian, Susan, and the Doctor bellow into the receiver very slowly, but ugh I don’t even have time to explain. The Doctor has forgotten his own lecture about how they’re probably audible only to dogs, and the whole thing is bloody pointless. Barbara listens to the unintelligible rumbling coming from the other end with an expression on her face that clearly states ‘FML’. And then she collapses again. BARBARA, YOU ARE LITERALLY DYING. YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS. Who have not noticed that she has collapsed. Indeed, Ian is sulking: ‘We can’t have failed after trying so hard!’ he wails. The Doctor and Susan are resigned, but Ian is determined to try again and goes off to tell Barbara…who is still kneeling on the floor, shaving attempted to blow her nose with Ian’s handkerchief. Ian does not find this fucking weird but merely tells her she’s been overdoing things and offers to get her some water. He reaches for his handkerchief, and Babs goes all Gollum on him, becoming increasingly distressed as she insists that he mustn’t touch it, that no-one must touch it; she passes out.

Everyone crowds around, and the Doctor finally twigs, holding the handkerchief to his nose via some manner of stick and comments on the aroma of insecticide. WHICH CANNOT BE THAT DISTINCTIVE OR YOU WOULD HAVE REALISED BABS PROBABLY REEKS OF IT. The Doctor surmises she got insecticide on her hands, and Ian is hilariously indignant and defensive, seeing as she never told him and he never saw her do it; his entire attitude is essentially ‘DAAAAAD IT’S NOT MY FAULT’. And then the penny drops; she did borrow his handkerchief over by the seeds. Sheepish Ian is sheepish. Susan asks whether they can do anything for her, and the Doctor muses in silence…ROLL CREDITS. Or not. Babs wakes, is informed she fainted, and mutters about the insecticide…FINALLY OH MY GOD. The Doctor chides her indulgently like an idiot child. Which is what she has indeed been this serial (blah blah if you cut that scene blah-de-blah). For which I will never forgive Louis Marks. Or at least the dunderhead who cut that scene. As Babs chills with Susan by the phone, panicky Ian asks the Doctor what they can do; the Doctor says she has to get back to her normal size, at which point the insecticide will be 70x less dangerous. I HAVE (slightly gross) QUESTIONS: even if it’s less dangerous, the inventor made it everlasting, so assuming she manages to…er…get it out of her system, I hope the Tardis waste disposal can deal with it, or else there will be a teeny-tiny amount of deadly insecticide in the Tardis water supply forever. Anyway, they must get back to the ship; ‘what are we waiting for?’ asks Ian, grimly. He makes his way over to Babs and adopts his best bedside manner; Babs says she feels ‘a bit ropey’. I heart understatements. Anyway, they’ve got a long way to go, so best get moving. Ian asks the Doctor whether he can in fact get them back to normal size:

Brim-full of confidence, there, Doctor. Meanwhile, Forester is having trouble with the phone, which is obv still off the hook. But enough of that. We go back to the regulars and another scene that should never, ever have been cut because without it, nothing makes sense:

Ian: Well, come on, Barbara! Barbara: No, Ian, I won’t go any further. Ian: Barbara! Don’t be ridiculous! Doctor: Yes, you’re being stupid. Wasting time. Susan: Come on, Barbara, please! Barbara: No! For the last time, no! I’m not important any more, can’t you understand? Susan: You’re important to us, Barbara. Barbara: Will you listen? The amount I’ve got on my hands would be just a tiny speck to a normal human being, but suppose a full-sized person covered their hands with it? Aren’t they going to start feeling dizzy, start fainting and blacking out? Susan: You won’t die. Barbara, we’re here with you now. That’s all we can see or understand. Doctor: Yes, I couldn’t let it happen. Not if there was one chance in a million of stopping it. Ian: Doctor, for heaven’s sake, make her see how wrong she is. Barbara: You said yourself it was our duty to stop the destruction of a whole planet. Doctor: Yes, I did, Barbara, but our immediate concern is you. Barbara: Our responsibility hasn’t altered, Doctor. Ian: The longer we stand here arguing, the greater hold that poison is going to get on you. We are taking you back to the ship, and that’s final. Barbara: How? Carry me over your shoulder? All the way down the chain to the sink and then down the pipe to the outside of the house? You couldn’t. Even with my cooperation.

NYAAAAARGJSSPDOISLTKEUWKRJFHSDNJKJHSDHFSDJF WHY DID YOU CUT THIS YOU ARTLESS BASTARDS!?!?!?!?! The only—and I mean only—reason you can even begin to attempt to justify putting Babs through all that idiotic ‘secretly dying’ bullshit is by NOT CUTTING both this scene and the scene in which the Doctor picks his battles. With these scenes in place, of course the problem remains that she is being used as a plot device to a) rack up the dramatic tension and b) make the 'to intervene or not to intervene' dilemma personal. I mean, I think this is the first time 'save the girl or save the world' crops up in the show. However, what you also get is Actual Character Development that makes this entire serial crucial to the development of the show itself rather than an entertaining but otherwise pointless romp through various cool-looking sets. And apart from anything else, this scene is actually pretty good for what it is. Even the Doctor calling Barbara stupid (which would normally piss me off) actually works because a) it puts me in mind of the time Barbara yelled at him for being a stupid old man, setting the scene for another epic argument in which Babs challenges him to be a better person and b) because his initial knee-jerk reaction is one that is entirely based on fear, so he insults and belittles her, but then he actually listens to what she has to say and she convinces him of her point of view. The Doctor, Ian, and Susan are absolutely shitting themselves because they really don't want Barbara to die, but Babs digs her heels in like a pro and everyone's so in character it hurts. The way in which Ian reverts to paternalistic bullshit to mask his fear has never been more evident: the foot is down, but Barbara isn't having any of it, and BOY does she hit him where it hurts. He may be able to fireman's lift her out of the way of a giant fly, but he couldn't carry her back to the ship if he tried, and she categorically will not consent to it and refuses point blank to cooperate, making it perfectly clear that the only way she's going back to the ship is kicking and screaming. The sooner Ian realises that Barbara Wright has never done anything just because he said so, the happier he'll be. Susan, meanwhile, is right on the money with her analysis: Barbara is important to them, and they're all being blinded by their immediate priority of not letting her die, which is 'all we can see or understand'; Susan is her own best therapist. But the best thing about this is Barbara and the Doctor, in a clear development of their conversation about not getting swept away with the tide of history in The Reign of Terror. Though I maintain that Barbara's willingness to sacrifice herself for the greater good marks the beginning of a bothersome trend that culminates in the whole Impossible Girl who was Born to Save the Doctor thing (which DOES MY HEAD IN), the first time this sort of thing happens on the show the fact that Barbara holds the Doctor to his own moral standards is a meaty consequence of her own actions (and her own realisation that there is something she is literally willing to die for). Her raison d'être isn't to give her life to allow the Doctor to become his best self because she thinks he's some sort of godlike entity, she just happens to change him for the better while she travels with him and learns about herself (through learning about others). And she absolutely floors him when he tells her he wouldn't let her die if there was a one in a million chance of preventing it and she tells him that none of this alters their responsibilities. Indeed, when Ian appeals to the Patriarchy Doctor to make Barbara see she's wrong (like that would ever work), it backfires spectacularly because what she does is make the Doctor see she's right. I mean I'm still mad at this whole 'Barbara is dying but doesn't tell anyone' subplot, and as I say, putting Babs in danger specifically so the Team gets put into a 'save someone you love or save the world' dilemma is the thin end of a very problematic wedge, but with this scene in place at least Babs gets to spend a little more time having the moral high ground for her trouble. And at least it's her dilemma, too (rather than her fate being the Doctor's choice, as it so often is in later serials), in which she actually has her own agency after a fashion. BUT THEY CUT ALL THAT, so what we get instead is Ian talking into Barbara’s face, telling her she’s ill and that they have to get her back to the ship. When Barbara appears to refuse, Ian appeals to the Doctor (again), who OH MY GOODNESS tells him there’s nothing he can say, dear boy, because Barbara’s quite right. Ian appeals to Susan, who breaks my heart again when she merely cuddles her stoic Space Mum. The camera focuses on Ian’s referred pain as Babs comes up behind him and tells him they must stop the baddies. And as broadcast, it makes zero fucking sense. The butchery that has been done to this serial makes me hopping mad. Meanwhile, Forester decides to try the other phone, while Smithers goes off to look at Farrow’s notes. But enough of that! Because the Doctor has a plan, and that plan is…CAUSE TROUBLE. Start a fire, to be precise. Ian seems to think this will work, but wants to know if they’ll be able to start a really big one to do some real damage. Then this happens:

GLEEFUL ARSONIST DOCTOR IS THE BEST. Ian asks Barbara for her opinion; she agrees it’ll attract people to the house, and OH MORBID SUSAN HOW I’VE MISSED YOU! For at this point our favourite little weirdo delightedly points out that someone will find the man’s body. Never change. Smithers and Forester wander about outside a bit. And OH Ian has had a brainwave! Which I’ll give him, seeing as how he teaches in a Science lab. If they can only turn on the gas tap…but oh no that’ll have to wait because NOISES OFF! Enter the bad guys. Apparently you can see the dead cat prop in this bit, too. As our heroes sneak about, the switchboard gets back in touch. During this time, apparently Smithers freaks out about the dead cat and no longer believes Forester’s bullshit, but all that got cut. Anyway, the switchboard lady (Hilda) asks to speak to Farrow, and Forester tries the same bullshit hanky trick again. Which fails to convince Hilda in any way, shape or form, as she gleefully tells Bert the policeman (who also happens to be present). Bert the policeman reckons he ought to go and see what’s up. Which means that Hilda at the switchboard pretty much alerted the world to the dodgy goings-on at the farmhouse and that Team Tardis could have just scarpered back to the Tardis to de-poison Barbara. But that’s not the point, is it? Over at the gas tap, the Team is trying to turn it on. And OH HELLO MATCHBOX AND MATCHSTICK. Reusable props for the win. Ian has wedged the matchbox in place, and gets Susan to help him light the match by running at it. ‘Like a battering ram,’ enthuses Susan. I have missed this. Meanwhile, the Doctor has managed to get a pressurised container in front of the gas tap, which he has to explain to Babs, who apparently can’t read the giant writing that says ‘highly flammable’ on the side. Then this happens:

LET ME LOVE YOU. Though if it really is going to be the equivalent of a thousand pound bomb to them surely they need to find a better way of avoiding the blast than hiding behind the gas tap. And oh, Smithers has finally figured out that DN6 kills literally everything. Which he apparently didn’t realise while he was making the stuff. He is a terrible Scientist. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Barbara are being armchair critics and Susan and Ian attempt to light the match. ‘CHARGE!’ cries Susan. But seriously, never change. Success! The Doctor and Barbara cling with delight, presumably infecting the Doctor with insecticide from her riddled hands. Ian shouts a few instructions for adjusting the gas tap, tells Barbara and the Doctor to hide behind the tap, and he and Susan light the gas tap! Elsewhere, Forester is confessing to Smithers. He also has his gun out. Nobody cares. Meanwhile, the Doctor is tittering gleefully at the imminent explosion. As the gas tap blazes, the team huddles, and Ian warns Susan about metal flying everywhere; Susan is reminded of an air raid. According to the InfoText, this isn’t a reference to the Blitz but to WWI, where Germans used Zeppelins for air raids, which the Doctor terms ‘infernal machines’. Give me the Doctor and Susan in a WWI historical THIS INSTANT. Susan seems to think of this as a happy memory. Because that’s how Susan rolls.

As Smithers enters, protesting about DN6 being more deadly than radiation, we see what the soon-to-explode container is. Well bugger me if it isn’t a spray can of insecticide! Poetic justice! But also probably very dangerous to the time travellers if it’s going to be exploding everywhere. IN FORESTER’S FACE! LITERALLY! Is he blinded, or does he actually have DN6 all up in his eyeballs? Nobody cares. But Smithers has now got the gun…which is taken off him by Bert the Bobby from the switchboard. THE LAW HAS BEEN ALERTED, ALL IS WELL. The Doctor sends everyone running back to the ship. Well, he gets Susan and Ian to drag Babs along at any rate. The Doctor also takes one of the giant Sugar Puffs with him under his cape. That'll be easy to get back to the Tardis. Then again, there's always gravity. The Bobby tells Smithers to turn off the gas tap, and justice presumably takes its course. Back in the Tardis (after what I’m going to guess was a long, difficult, and generally hellish journey during which one can only assume they just threw Barbara down the drainpipe and hoped for the best), there’s more cut stuff in which Ian fusses over Babs, and the Doctor has to repair the scanner before they get back to normal or else they’d be blind. Back to uncut stuff, the Doctor aims to replicate whatever happened when they landed. Or something timey-wimey like that. Ian asks whether there’s anything he can do; why yes, he can wrap that seed in the Doctor’s cloak and put it on the table where everyone can see for maximum theatricality. Oh and apparently William Russell had the lurgy whilst filming this episode. Thanks, InfoText. Babs is pretty-much unconscious in the chair as Susan stares at her in morbid fascination concern. The lights go down, the Tardis dematerialises, and as Ian badgers the Doctor, the latter gleefully informs him that whatever it is is working! Joy! The seed on the table is shrinking! How does that make sense? I have no idea! But the seed is now teeny-tiny, and JOY OF JOYS Barbara is awake and in desperate need of a drink. Of water. Which she had no idea could taste so good. The Doctor delightedly pets Barbara’s face, as is the way of all Gallifreyans when confronted with pestilence. Ian is relieved; the Doctor bows theatrically. The Doctor recaps the plot for Barbara’s benefit and then sends everyone off for a good scrub.

Gallifreyan nursing at its finest

Alone in the Tardis control room, the Doctor remembers the scanner is buggered and fusses over how irritating it is that they have no idea where they are. Maybe they’re…AT WORLD’S END! WHERE HAVE OUR HEROES LANDED NOW? WILL THERE NOW BE DN6 IN THE TARDIS WATER SUPPLY FOREVER? WHAT ARE THE TARDIS SCRUBBING FACILITIES LIKE? CAN WE PLEASE NEVER MAKE BARBARA STUPID JUST SO WE CAN SPIN OUT A SERIAL EVER, EVER AGAIN (OR INDEED A PLOT DEVICE IN A MORAL DILEMMA, DEPENDING ON WHICH VERSION OF THIS EPISODE/THESE EPISODES YOU'RE WATCHING)? LIKEWISE IAN? WHY HAS NOBODY ADDRESSED THE FACT THAT THEY ACTUALLY MADE IT HOME BUT WERE THE WRONG SIZE APART FROM IN PASSING? IS THE SCANNER NOW PERMANENTLY BUST? WHAT HAPPENS TO SMI- ACTUALLY I DON’T REALLY CARE BUT WERE THE CREATORS/ABUSERS OF DN6 EVER BROUGHT TO JUSTICE? Summary (as applicable to this episode)

Does it pass the Bechdel test? Errrm...do Babs and Susan actually exchange words this week? I think not, actually. Or only in passing. Is the gaze problematic? Nope. Is/are the woman companion(s) dressed 'for the Dads'? Nope. High necks and dungarees all round. Save the girl or save the world? Whose decision is it? Save the world. Barbara's decision, backed up by the Doctor. Does a woman fall over/twist her ankle (whilst running from peril)? See collapsing. Does a woman wander off alone for the sole dramatic purpose of getting into trouble so she can be rescued later? Nope. Though Barbara getting poisoned is a variant thereof. Is/are the woman companion(s) captured? No. Does the Doctor/a man companion/any other man have to rescue the woman companion(s) from peril? Babs needs saving from poison. Is a woman placed under threat of actual bodily harm? Yup. Babs is now dying. Does a woman have to deal with a sexual predator? Nope. Is/are the woman companion's/s' first/only reaction(s) to peril gratuitous screaming? No. Does a woman faint at the sight of peril/horror or generally lose consciousness (discounting normal sleep)? Yes. Babs collapses. Does a woman companion go into hysterics over something reasonably minor? No.

Is a woman 'spared' the ordeal of having to do/witness something unpleasant by a man who makes a decision on her behalf/keeps her deliberately ignorant? Nope, this week it's Babs not letting on. Does a woman suffer in silence (to further the plot)? AND HOW. Does a man automatically disbelieve or belittle something a woman (companion) says happened to her? No. Does a man talk over a woman or talk about a woman as though she isn't there? A bit.

Does the woman companion have to be calmed/comforted by the Doctor/a man companion/a man? Ish.

Is a woman the first/only person to be (most gratuitously) menaced by the episode's antagonist(s)? Yup.

Is a man shamed into doing/not doing something because the alternative is a woman doing/not doing something? No.

Does the woman companion come up with a plan? No. Though Babs does dig her heels in about the Doctor's plan. And the arson is Ian's doing/the Doctor's brainchild.

Does the woman companion do something stupid/banal/weird which inspires a man to be a Man with a Plan? No.

Does a woman come up with a theory and is it ridiculed by the Doctor/a man? No.

Does a woman call the Doctor out on his bullshit? Babs yells him down over sticking to his responsibilities.

Does a woman get to be a badass? Babs.

Is the young, strong, straight, white male lead the person most often in control of the situation? Yes and no...the Doctor has the final word, but Ian is mostly floundering and Babs is the one who insists the remain to help.

Is there past/future/alien sexism? It's the present day, so N/A. 

Does a 'present'-day character call anybody out on past/future/alien sexism? N/A. Does an past/future/alien person have the hots for a woman companion and is it reciprocated? N/A.

Did a woman write/direct/produce this episode? No/No/Yes.

Verdict Well. As broadcast, this episode does my head in, because it makes very little sense and robs Babs of agency/believable motivation. They cut scenes that are crucial to Ian's character development, the Doctor's character development, and Barbara's character development, and I shall never forgive them. I remain irritated that Babs got infected with DN6 specifically to engineer a 'save the girl or save the world' dilemma, but with the cut scenes reinstated, we at least get to see pivotal moments in the history of the show: the first time the Team chooses to intervene for moral reasons rather than making getting out of Dodge their main priority;,the first time the Doctor takes a stand, and the first time a companion is willing to die for something bigger than themselves. And that something is not the Doctor's life, as is so often the case in New Who. The Doctor is delightful this week, as is his relationship with Babs, and I am delighted at the return of Morbid Susan. Next week...DALEKS!

[kartiavelino]

Before wrapping up this roller coaster year, test how much you remember (even if you’d rather forget).

1. What film made essentially the most dough within the U.S. this yr with out that includes superheroes? A. “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” B. “Mission: Not possible – Fallout” C. “Solo: A Star Wars Story” 2. Which Drake tune impressed the yr’s greatest viral dance problem? A. “God’s Plan” B. “Good for What” C. “In My Emotions” 3. What did stars don on the Golden Globes crimson carpet in honor of Time’s Up? A. White ribbons B. All black C. Pink roses 4. What TV present was cancelled by one broadcast community and picked up by one other within the span of 31 hours? A. “Brooklyn 9-9” B. “Final Man Standing” C. “Lucifer” 5. The Tony Awards’ Greatest Musical, “The Band’s Go to,” is a couple of band visiting the place? A. Egypt B. Saudi Arabia C. Israel 6. Which artist paid tribute to Prince through the Tremendous Bowl halftime present? A. Janet Jackson B. Justin Timberlake C. Aerosmith 7. Glenn Weiss, who proposed to his girlfriend through the Emmys, had simply received an award for guiding what? A. “The Crown” B. “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” C. The Oscars 8. What was so terrifying in regards to the monsters within the hit horror flick “A Quiet Place”? A. They discover individuals who make any noise B. They’re completely silent C. They aim libraries 9. Which artist swept the Grammys with wins within the tune, report and album of the yr classes? A. Jay-Z B. Bruno Mars C. Ed Sheeran 10. Which Hollywood Chris went full frontal, stripping down for Netflix film “The Outlaw King”? A. Chris Pine B. Chris Pratt C. Chris Hemsworth 11. What equipment triggered a significant tragedy on “That is Us”? A. A microwave B. A blender C. A sluggish cooker 12. Which character wasn’t in “Avengers: Infinity Conflict”? A. Hawkeye B. Star-Lord C. Spider-Man 13. What’s the identify of the fictional pop star Woman Gaga performed in “A Star is Born”? A. Stefani B. Ally C. Joanne 14. Within the most-liked Instagram publish of all time, Kylie Jenner revealed what? A. Her new butt B. Her new lips C. Her new child 15. One of many predominant characters within the 2018 Nationwide E-book Award winner “The Buddy,” by Sigrid Nunez, is: A. A llama B. A snake C. A Nice Dane 16. The place did the disgraced Louis C.Ok. make his controversial, unannounced return to comedy in NY? A. Carolines on Broadway B. The Comedy Cellar C. Gotham Comedy Membership 17. Which “Incredibles 2” character memorably fought a raccoon? A. Elastigirl B. Jack-Jack C. Edna Mode 18. What did “The Bachelor” Arie Luyendyk Jr. do toupset the present’s followers? A. Refused to suggest to any of the contestants B. Proposed to 1 contestant, then broke it off for one more C. Spoiled the season’s ending on social media 19. What’s the identify of the Ok-Pop group that bought out its first ever U.S. stadium present at Citi Area? A. EXO B. GOT7 C. BTS 20. Which of those celebs wasn’t one of many many who appeared in Maroon 5’s “Ladies Like You” billion-view video? A. Ellen DeGeneres B. Camila Cabello C. Reese Witherspoon Leisure solutions: 1. A; 2. C; 3. B; 4. A; 5. C; 6. B; 7. C; 8. A; 9. B; 10. A; 11. C; 12. A; 13. B; 14. C; 15. C; 16. B; 17. B; 18. B; 19. C; 20. C NY Submit photograph composite 1. Aretha Franklin’s physique was transported in the identical hearse that carried who? A. Rosa Parks B. Whitney Houston C. Ray Charles 2. Which style home designed Meghan Markle’s wedding ceremony costume? A. Givenchy B. Valentino C. Oscar de la Renta 3. Whom did Justin Bieber marry? A. Selena Gomez B. Hailey Baldwin C. Eire Baldwin 4. What did ill-fated couple Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson identify their pet pig? A. Bacony Rogers B. Piggy Smallz C. Jon Hamm 5. What’s the actual identify of Ted Cruz’s former opponent Beto O’Rourke? A. Betford B. Robert C. Alberto 6. The feud between dueling rap queens got here to a literal head at a New York Vogue Week occasion when Cardi B threw what at Nicki Minaj? A. A handbag B. A martini glass C. A shoe 7. What did troubled SpaceX CEO Elon Musk shoot into house? A. A crimson Tesla roadster B. A Hyperloop prepare automobile C. A baby-size submarine 8. The tour for Michelle Obama’s best-selling guide, “Turning into,” didn’t characteristic which superstar moderator: A. Sarah Jessica Parker B. Tracee Ellis Ross C. Martha Stewart 9. Why did the Mets give Matt Harvey the boot? A. He was out partying with mannequin Adriana Lima the night time earlier than a bullpen look B. He wanted Tommy John surgical procedure C. He refused a minor league task 10. Whom did Folks journal identify the yr’s “Sexiest Man Alive”? A. Blake Shelton B. Donald Glover C. Idris Elba 11. What number of days separated the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain? A. 1 B. 2 C. 3 12. When Harvey Weinstein surrendered to the NYPD on sexual-assault fees, he carried a biography about who? A. Elia Kazan B. Gandhi C. John F. Kennedy Jr. 13. Donald Trump Jr.’s alleged mistress Aubrey O’Day is a member of what previously profitable lady group? A. Danity Kane B. The Pussycat Dolls C. Dream 14. Who turned the primary brazenly homosexual American to medal on the winter Olympics? A. Adam Rippon B. Gus Kenworthy C. Eric Radford 15. Kim Kardashian satisfied President Trump to commute the life sentence of Alice Marie Johnson, who was locked up for: A. Drug and money-laundering fees B. A homicide she didn’t commit C. Leaking authorities secrets and techniques 16. Whom did President Donald Trump pardon? A. Martha Stewart B. Dinesh D’Souza C. Rod Blagojevich 17. What’s the nickname of the chef behind Midtown steakhouse Nusr-Et? A. Scorching Stuff B. Posh Spice C. Salt Bae 18. Actor Geoffrey Owens, who performed Elvin on “The Cowby Present,” was job-shamed for working the place? A. Goal B. Dealer Joe’s C. Walmart 19. What place is William and Kate’s new child Prince Louis in line for the throne? A. Third B. Fourth C. Fifth 20. How outdated was Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez when she upset 10-term incumbent Joe Crowley within the Democratic main for New York’s 14th Congressional District? A. 25 B. 28 C. 31 Folks solutions: 1. A; 2. A; 3. B; 4. B; 5. B; 6. C; 7. A; 8. C; 9. C; 10. C; 11. C; 12. A; 13. A; 14. A; 15. A; 16. B; 17. C; 18. B; 19. C; 20. B In a January tweet, President Trump known as himself “a really secure _____”: A. Genius B. Commander C. Zillionaire 2. “Megyn Kelly In the present day” was canceled following the host’s feedback about blackface, together with asking: A. “What’s blackface?” B. “What’s racist?” C. “Who’s black Santa?” 3. Throughout a Senate Judiciary Committee listening to, what did Brett Kavanaugh say he “favored” and nonetheless likes? A. Wine B. Tequila C. Beer 4. What’s the rallying catchphrase from “Black Panther,” the highest-grossing film within the US this yr? A. “Wakanda endlessly!” B. “Rise and resist!” C. “Panther energy!” 5. When Gov. Cuomo stated, “Can you cease interrupting?” to election opponent Cynthia Nixon throughout a debate, how did she reply? A. “Can you cease mendacity?” B. “Can you settle down?” C. “Are you a Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte or Miranda?” 6. Roseanne Barr blamed what drug for the racist tweet that obtained her hit sitcom revival canceled? A. Ambien B. Xanax C. Klonopin 7. Through the closing ladies’s tennis match of the US Open, what did Serena Williams name the umpire who gave her some extent penalty? A. “A thief” B. “A fraud” C. “A humiliation” 8. In her tell-all, Stormy Daniels in contrast President Trump’s member to “the mushroom character in” what? A. VeggieTales B. Mario Kart C. “Alice in Wonderland” 9. When Invoice de Blasio was confronted by a homeless activist on the Park Slope Y, how did the mayor reply? A. “I’m in the course of doing my exercise. Sorry, I can’t do this now.” B. “I’m as soon as once more working late to a press convention, can’t speak.” C. “Take a quantity, sweetheart.” 10. Who stated, “I might say that I’m essentially the most bullied individual on the world”? A. Lindsay Lohan B. Melania Trump C. Gwyneth Paltrow 11. Rudy Giuliani raised eyebrows when he declared, “Reality isn’t ____”: A. Truth B. Relevance C. Reality 12. What did Oprah Winfrey say she wouldn’t do, explaining, “It will kill me”? A. Revive her speak present B. Run for president in 2020 C. Host the Oscars 13. On the White Home correspondents’ dinner, what did Michelle Wolf say Sarah Huckabee Sanders does after “she burns information”? A. “Makes use of that ash to create an ideal smoky eye” B. “Burns all her hideous attire” C. “Pours Trump model wine over the fireplace” 14. Whereas visiting TMZ headquarters, what did Kanye West name “a alternative”? A. Gender B. Slavery C. Rape 15. After Invoice Cosby was discovered responsible on three counts of indecent aggravated assault, what did he yell on the prosecutor who deemed him a flight danger? A. “He doesn’t have a aircraft, you a–gap!” B. “Hey, hey, hey!” C. “And I might have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling children!” 16. Which of those was not one of many two phrases folks heard within the viral audio debate? A. “Laurel” B. “Beyoncé” C. “Yanny” 17. Who started an Oscar acceptance speech by joking, “I did all of it on my own”? A. Frances McDormand B. Sam Rockwell C. Allison Janney 18. Which of those was not a reputation Paul McCartney stated was yelled out whereas he and John Lennon masturbated in a gaggle collectively? A. Brigitte Bardot B. Catherine Deneuve C. Winston Churchill 19. One month earlier than Demi Lovato was hospitalized for an overdose, she launched a ballad with the lyric, “I’m so sorry, I’m not ___ anymore”: A. Glad B. Making music C. Sober 20. Who defended the separation of immigrant households by invoking the Apostle Paul’s “command in Romans 13, to obey the legal guidelines of the federal government as a result of God has ordained them for the aim of order.” A. Mike Pence B. Mitch McConnell C. Jeff Periods Quotes solutions: 1. A; 2. B; 3. C; 4. A; 5. A; 6. A; 7. A; 8. B; 9. A; 10. B; 11. C; 12. B; 13. A; 14. B; 15. A; 16. B; 17. C; 18. B; 19. C; 20. C NY Submit photograph comoposite 1. Norway took house essentially the most medals through the 2018 Winter Olympics. What number of? A. 31 B. 39 C. 42 2. Through the World Cup, this nation’s uniform bought out and have become a streetwear hit? A. United States B. Portugal C. Nigeria 3. Mets ace Jacob de Grom received this yr’s Nationwide League Cy Younger Award regardless of having the fewest wins of any beginning Cy Younger pitcher in historical past. What number of did he have? A. 11 B. 7 C. 10 4. When Redskins quarterback Alex Smith broke his leg throughout a sport, there have been many eerie coincidences to which former Skins’ quarterback’s career-ending harm? A. Kirk Cousins B. Joe Theismann C. Robert Griffin III 5. Though France received the 2018 World Cup, which prolific scorer took house the Golden Boot? A. Croatia’s Luka Modric B. Argentina’s Lionel Messi C. England’s Harry Kane 6. At an April sport, what landed on Seattle Mariners pitcher James Paxton through the Nationwide Anthem? A. A bald eagle B. a bag of peanuts C. Robinson Cano’s batting glove 7. A video of which broadcaster dribbling a basketball behind her again went viral as she was inducted into the basketball corridor of fame? A. Doris Burke B. Michelle Beadle C. Lisa Salter 8. Throughout this yr’s NCAA males’s basketball match, which crew beat Virginia, making it the primary time {that a} No. 16 seed defeated a No. 1 seed? A. Kansas State B. Villanova C. College of Maryland — Baltimore County 9. The Washington Capitals received the Stanley Cup Championship and Alexander Ovechkin was named match MVP. What did he lose within the course of? A. His Stanley Cup successful game- worn jersey B. Each face-off C. His entrance tooth 10. Who was the NFL’s first rookie to ever have 200-plus rushes and greater than 80 catches? A. Nick Chubbs of the Browns B. Saquon Barkley of the Giants C. Sony Michel of the Patriots 11. After the Philadelphia Eagles received their first Tremendous Bowl, the town did this to gentle poles so followers couldn’t climb them throughout celebrations: A. Greased them with Crisco B. Sprayed them with hydraulic fluid C. Rubbed them with Philly cheesesteak grease 12. The Philadelphia Flyers launched a mascot named Gritty, who broke the Web when he reenacted what notorious journal cowl? A. The palms over Janet Jackson’s naked breasts for Rolling Stone B. Muhammed Ali being shot with arrows for Esquire C. Kim Kardashian’s Paper Journal cowl with the gravity-defying champagne pour 13. Which younger athlete didn’t discover himself in scorching water after tweets from his teen years surfaced? A. Josh Allen B. Donte Divcenzo C. Deyandre Ayton 14. When Jets rookie quarterback Sam Darnold took his first snap as an NFL quarterback, he did this: A. Threw a 30-yard landing move B. Fumbled C. Threw a choose six 15. Which California teen snowboarder captured America’s coronary heart through the Pyeongchang Olympics, the place she received the gold medal in halfpipe? A. Chloe Kim B. Lindsey Vonn C. Micahela Shriffin 16. Former UFC star Ronda Rousey made her debut as what in April? A. Carl’s Jr. spokesmodel B. WWE wrestler C. NASCAR driver 17. In June, thoroughbred Justify captured the Triple Crown — three years after what horse received the coveted mantel and broke a 37-year drought? A. Seattle Slew B. American Pharoah C. Firing Line 18. Which NBA famous person revealed he thought-about signing with the Knicks? A. Steph Curry B. James Harden C. Lebron James 19. When Tiger Woods received the Participant’s Championship in September, it was his first tour win in 5 years. What number of match wins does Woods now have? A. 75 B. 83 C. 80 20. Over the past season, Yankees slugger Giancarlo Stanton made headlines for sharing an condo with which participant from the Mets? A. Mike Conforto B. Wilmer Flores C. AJ Ramos Sports activities solutions: 1. B; 2. C; 3. C; 4. B; 5. C; 6. A; 7. A; 8. C; 9. C; 10. B; 11. B; 12. C; 13. C; 14. C; 15. A; 16. B; 17. B; 18. C; 19. C; 20. C NY Submit photograph comoposite 1. Who didn’t go away, or announce that they’re leaving, the Trump administration this yr? A. Hope Hicks, White Home Director of Communications B. Rob Porter, White Home Employees Secretary C. Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President 2. A boys’ soccer crew was rescued after being trapped in a flooded Thailand cave for 18 days. What was the identify of their crew? A. The Crows B. The Wild Boars C. The Cheetahs 3. What retail model made the $39 jacket emblazoned with “I actually don’t care, do u?” that Melania Trump wore as she traveled to fulfill detained immigrant children in Texas? A. H&M B. Zara C. Hole 4. What had been snooty canine house owners had been of getting hijacked for a non-public kennel membership in Tribeca? A. A public park B. The alley behind Taylor Swift’s condo C. The outdated Nobu location 5. The place did Hurricane Florence trigger essentially the most harm within the US? A. Florida and Georgia B. North and South Carolinas C. Virginia and Maryland 6. What Gov. Cuomo resolution almost value New Yorkers $14 million? A. Including blue and gold tiles to 2 metropolis tunnels B. Constructing a helipad for Jeff Bezos C. Putting in lots of of “I NY” freeway indicators 7. Actress Allison Mack was arrested on fees of intercourse trafficking, intercourse trafficking conspiracy, and compelled labor conspiracy in relation to her function within the Nxivm cult. On what TV present was she a solid member? A. “Smallville” B. “Charmed” C. “One Tree Hil 8. A New Jersey couple was accused of bilking a homeless man by way of what website: A. PayPal B. Twitter C. GoFundMe 9. The place did Trump and Kim Jong-un have the first-ever assembly between sitting leaders of the US and North Korea? A. Washington, DC B. Pyongyang, North Korea C. Sentosa, Singapore 10. What iconic NY diner closed after a 28-year run? A. Westway Diner B. The Espresso Store C. Kellogg’s Diner 11. Within the notorious photograph of a Honduran mom working along with her two 5-year-old daughters from tear gasoline on the Mexico-US border, what was on her shirt? A. An American flag B. Anna and Elsa from “Frozen” C. A crucifix 12. Why was California’s Camp Hearth known as that? A. It was began by a gaggle of backpacking campers B. It started at an deserted summer- camp facility C. It started on Camp Creek Street 13. What cleansing provide did teenagers flip right into a viral snack? A. Daybreak dish cleaning soap B. Tide Pods C. Brawny paper towels 14. The world’s final male of what subspecies died this yr? A. Northern white rhino B. Bornean orangutan C. Amur leopard 15. Fb CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified in entrance of Congress after it was revealed that which political consulting agency had harvested knowledge from up to 87 million accounts? A. Oxford Analytica B. Cambridge Analytica C. Imperial Analytica 16. What was the controversial theme of this yr’s Met Gala? A. Heavenly Our bodies: Vogue and the Catholic Creativeness B. Majesty and Poverty: The Financial Hole C. Hacking the Hackers: A Tribute to Russia 17. What did Meghan McCain use her speech at her father John’s funeral to do? A. Trounce Sarah Palin B. Promote “The View” C. Rebuke Trump 18. In what month did the primary tremendous blue blood moon in 35 years happen? A. January B. February C. March 19. What nation abolished time period limits on its presidency? A. China B. Russia C. Iraq 20. What New York landmark did a girl climb to protest Trump’s “zero tolerance” immigration coverage? A. The Empire State Constructing B. The Statue of Liberty C. St. Patrick’s Cathedral Present occasions solutions: 1. C; 2. B; 3. B; 4. A; 5. B; 6. C; 7. A; 8. C; 9. C; 10. B; 11. B; 12. C; 13. B; 14. A; 15. B; 16. A; 17. C; 18. A; 19. A; 20. B Share this: https://nypost.com/2018/12/22/before-wrapping-up-this-roller-coaster-year-test-how-much-you-remember-even-if-youd-rather-forget/ The post Before wrapping up this roller coaster year, test how much you remember (even if you’d rather forget). appeared first on My style by Kartia. https://www.kartiavelino.com/2018/12/before-wrapping-up-this-roller-coaster-year-test-how-much-you-remember-even-if-youd-rather-forget.html

[samanthasroberts]

6 Signs You’re The High Maintenance One In Your Relationship

I identify as many things: a self-diagnosed fantasy addict, a half-Jew, a citizen of the UK and a fashion-crazed mascara lesbian with delusions of grandeur. I own all of it, baby.

However, while I fully realize that I’m no “chill” girl— I don’t consider myself high maintenance.

My English mother used to always say, “Don’t be one of those high maintenance American girls, darling. It’s not attractive” as she twisted her mega-carat diamond ring around her finger. I’m one of those girls who thinks her mother is God so I fiercely hang on to every word she says.

OK, then. If mum says being high maintenance is “bad,” well then, surely it’s BAD.

However, my mother is also a woman who, for my entire childhood, would only get her hair done by “Today Show” celebrity hairstylist Louis Licari in his Fifth Avenue flagship salon.

Even when we moved to another state, she would trek into Manhattan to get her hair done by the notorious “King of Color” himself, drinking champagne with foils on her head, rubbing elbows with a European duchess to her left and a supermodel to her right.

She only drinks champagne and only goes to full-service gas stations. She sleeps in $200 silk nightgowns, instructed me to only ever grace my legs in Wolford tights and only uses Creme de la Mer on her skin. The casual day bag she wears when “sightseeing” is a tiny black quilted $2,400 Chanel crossbody purse with a chunky gold chain. She considers the Bowery Hotel a dive bar.

So I guess her definition of high maintenance is a little skewed, huh? And I guess mine is too. Because it only occurred to me recently I might be cut from the same high maintenance cloth as Mummy dearest.

Let me backtrack to a few weeks ago: It’s a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon in the lovely Hamptons, where I happen to be from (see, I didn’t stand a chance at being chill!).

I’m wearing a blue tribal print bikini from my recent trip to the south of France and I’m sitting at a posh beach club, clutching a $17 glass of Whispering Angel ros with freshly polished Christian Louboutin red nails gazing at the sparkling Atlantic ocean through massive two-toned sunnies:

My feet are in the sand. There is a plate of oysters glistening in the beautiful sunshine. Music is playing. The booze is flowing. And I think, shit I’m so happy right now, there is nowhere in the world I would rather be. I open my eyes and blissfully smile sweetly at my crush, who happens to be sitting to my left.

“You know it really doesn’t take much to make me happy,” I say to her, feeling really bohemian, eating my raw seafood lunch in nothing but a bikini top.

“Really?” she says, grinning, knowing I’m entirely full of shit.

“It really doesn’t. Just like a beach club in the Hamptons with wine and fresh oysters and…” and as the words come tumbling out of my mouth, I realize how amazingly ridiculous I sound. I realize how delusional I really am.

Oh no it doesn’t take much to make me happy just being at an exclusive club in one of the most expensive elitist summer spots in the world with $20 drinks and $300 bikinis and a tower of fresh shellfish.

In that moment I realized. Holy shit, I’m super high maintenance.

Suddenly a flash flood of dating moments wash over me. All of them point in ONE direction: I’m a high maintenance bitch when I’m in a relationship.

Don’t act smug! You clicked into this article, which means, babe, you probably are too. Here are some telltale signs:

1. Your idea of a chill night is pretty skewed.

Your idea of a quiet, chill night with bae consists of getting a room with a view of the High Line at the Standard Hotel, soaking in a claw-foot tub with bubbles to the very tippy top.

You’re ordering truffled cheese burgers (what! burgers are sooo chill) from the Michelin Star restaurant downstairs, drinking a bottle of champagne out crystal stem glasses, cuddling up in Egyptian cotton sheets and having loads of sex in your Agent Provocateur lingerie.

Oh, and definitely using your $500 sex toy.

2. When you’re asked “what restaurant you want to go to?” you always have an opinion.

When your sweet SO asks where you want to go to dinner, you might say “I don’t care” in your best chill girl drawl, but it will always be followed with:

“As long as they have burrata cheese because it’s burrata season, they have Kim Crawford sauvignon blanc (of course), they have oysters on the half shell because I’m REALLY CRAVING THAT RIGHT NOW,their staff has more than threeyears of experience, I personally know the chef, they’ll bring a separate chair for my new Balenciaga bag, they throw out a red carpet for me when I walk through the door, they have someone who can air me down with a fan for the entire dinner and they have strawberry shortcake. I don’t really care where we go, babe. You know me. I’m easy.”

3. You always slow your partner down because, well, HEELS, babe.

There are so many things you can’t do because your feet always hurt from your massive high heels that you insist on wearing everywhere, whether it’s the streets of Manhattan or Fire Island beach or yoga, honey.

4. You love having your hair pulled during sex, except for when it’s not your actual hair.

Wehigh maintenance girls want the best of everything and our hair is no exception. It’s hard to compete with all the gorgeous female celebrities with their forever shining luscious locks of hair.

And we all know a woman is only as good as her hair (I SAID IT AND I DEFEND IT). So when our hair is not going through its best life phase, we weave, baby. And by weave, I mean, we get extensions. Every high maintenance girl I know has had extensions at some point in her life.

In fact there is nothing more high maintenance than maintaining hair extensions. And we’re not going to let you muck up our $2000 Great Length extensions when we’re getting down and dirty in bed.

You can pull my hair anytime, babe, I’m a total freak. But don’t you dare pull my hair when fresh fake hair has just been applied. HELL NO!

5. You will never take public transportation to dinner.

Or anywhere for that matter. High maintenance girls will make you suffer through hour-long taxi rides rather than a 10-minute train ride. We just don’t like to be tossed into a sweaty cesspool of normal people (ew). We want air conditioning and we want privacy.

But don’t complain; taxi sex is the best sex. No one has sex in a subway, that’s just savage. But sex in the back of a taxi is totally bougie. And don’t give me this UberPool bullshit. UberPool is for the weak.

6. Your partner knows to never take you on a date to the following things.

1. A music festival (unless you have VIP seats. We don’t do general population).

2. Camping (unless it’s glamping and a luxury RV has been arranged).

3. A yoga retreat (unless there is loads of wine and a black tie dinner at the end).

4. The zoo (Not only are zoos TERRIBLE, EVIL places, but how can you expect us to enjoy a zoo when we’ve been on safari in Kenya?).

5. A baseball game (there is nothing chic about a baseball game. Not even if it’s VIP or catered).

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/22/6-signs-youre-the-high-maintenance-one-in-your-relationship/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/08/22/6-signs-youre-the-high-maintenance-one-in-your-relationship/

[adambstingus]

6 Signs You’re The High Maintenance One In Your Relationship

I identify as many things: a self-diagnosed fantasy addict, a half-Jew, a citizen of the UK and a fashion-crazed mascara lesbian with delusions of grandeur. I own all of it, baby.

However, while I fully realize that I’m no “chill” girl— I don’t consider myself high maintenance.

My English mother used to always say, “Don’t be one of those high maintenance American girls, darling. It’s not attractive” as she twisted her mega-carat diamond ring around her finger. I’m one of those girls who thinks her mother is God so I fiercely hang on to every word she says.

OK, then. If mum says being high maintenance is “bad,” well then, surely it’s BAD.

However, my mother is also a woman who, for my entire childhood, would only get her hair done by “Today Show” celebrity hairstylist Louis Licari in his Fifth Avenue flagship salon.

Even when we moved to another state, she would trek into Manhattan to get her hair done by the notorious “King of Color” himself, drinking champagne with foils on her head, rubbing elbows with a European duchess to her left and a supermodel to her right.

She only drinks champagne and only goes to full-service gas stations. She sleeps in $200 silk nightgowns, instructed me to only ever grace my legs in Wolford tights and only uses Creme de la Mer on her skin. The casual day bag she wears when “sightseeing” is a tiny black quilted $2,400 Chanel crossbody purse with a chunky gold chain. She considers the Bowery Hotel a dive bar.

So I guess her definition of high maintenance is a little skewed, huh? And I guess mine is too. Because it only occurred to me recently I might be cut from the same high maintenance cloth as Mummy dearest.

Let me backtrack to a few weeks ago: It’s a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon in the lovely Hamptons, where I happen to be from (see, I didn’t stand a chance at being chill!).

I’m wearing a blue tribal print bikini from my recent trip to the south of France and I’m sitting at a posh beach club, clutching a $17 glass of Whispering Angel ros with freshly polished Christian Louboutin red nails gazing at the sparkling Atlantic ocean through massive two-toned sunnies:

My feet are in the sand. There is a plate of oysters glistening in the beautiful sunshine. Music is playing. The booze is flowing. And I think, shit I’m so happy right now, there is nowhere in the world I would rather be. I open my eyes and blissfully smile sweetly at my crush, who happens to be sitting to my left.

“You know it really doesn’t take much to make me happy,” I say to her, feeling really bohemian, eating my raw seafood lunch in nothing but a bikini top.

“Really?” she says, grinning, knowing I’m entirely full of shit.

“It really doesn’t. Just like a beach club in the Hamptons with wine and fresh oysters and…” and as the words come tumbling out of my mouth, I realize how amazingly ridiculous I sound. I realize how delusional I really am.

Oh no it doesn’t take much to make me happy just being at an exclusive club in one of the most expensive elitist summer spots in the world with $20 drinks and $300 bikinis and a tower of fresh shellfish.

In that moment I realized. Holy shit, I’m super high maintenance.

Suddenly a flash flood of dating moments wash over me. All of them point in ONE direction: I’m a high maintenance bitch when I’m in a relationship.

Don’t act smug! You clicked into this article, which means, babe, you probably are too. Here are some telltale signs:

1. Your idea of a chill night is pretty skewed.

Your idea of a quiet, chill night with bae consists of getting a room with a view of the High Line at the Standard Hotel, soaking in a claw-foot tub with bubbles to the very tippy top.

You’re ordering truffled cheese burgers (what! burgers are sooo chill) from the Michelin Star restaurant downstairs, drinking a bottle of champagne out crystal stem glasses, cuddling up in Egyptian cotton sheets and having loads of sex in your Agent Provocateur lingerie.

Oh, and definitely using your $500 sex toy.

2. When you’re asked “what restaurant you want to go to?” you always have an opinion.

When your sweet SO asks where you want to go to dinner, you might say “I don’t care” in your best chill girl drawl, but it will always be followed with:

“As long as they have burrata cheese because it’s burrata season, they have Kim Crawford sauvignon blanc (of course), they have oysters on the half shell because I’m REALLY CRAVING THAT RIGHT NOW,their staff has more than threeyears of experience, I personally know the chef, they’ll bring a separate chair for my new Balenciaga bag, they throw out a red carpet for me when I walk through the door, they have someone who can air me down with a fan for the entire dinner and they have strawberry shortcake. I don’t really care where we go, babe. You know me. I’m easy.”

3. You always slow your partner down because, well, HEELS, babe.

There are so many things you can’t do because your feet always hurt from your massive high heels that you insist on wearing everywhere, whether it’s the streets of Manhattan or Fire Island beach or yoga, honey.

4. You love having your hair pulled during sex, except for when it’s not your actual hair.

Wehigh maintenance girls want the best of everything and our hair is no exception. It’s hard to compete with all the gorgeous female celebrities with their forever shining luscious locks of hair.

And we all know a woman is only as good as her hair (I SAID IT AND I DEFEND IT). So when our hair is not going through its best life phase, we weave, baby. And by weave, I mean, we get extensions. Every high maintenance girl I know has had extensions at some point in her life.

In fact there is nothing more high maintenance than maintaining hair extensions. And we’re not going to let you muck up our $2000 Great Length extensions when we’re getting down and dirty in bed.

You can pull my hair anytime, babe, I’m a total freak. But don’t you dare pull my hair when fresh fake hair has just been applied. HELL NO!

5. You will never take public transportation to dinner.

Or anywhere for that matter. High maintenance girls will make you suffer through hour-long taxi rides rather than a 10-minute train ride. We just don’t like to be tossed into a sweaty cesspool of normal people (ew). We want air conditioning and we want privacy.

But don’t complain; taxi sex is the best sex. No one has sex in a subway, that’s just savage. But sex in the back of a taxi is totally bougie. And don’t give me this UberPool bullshit. UberPool is for the weak.

6. Your partner knows to never take you on a date to the following things.

1. A music festival (unless you have VIP seats. We don’t do general population).

2. Camping (unless it’s glamping and a luxury RV has been arranged).

3. A yoga retreat (unless there is loads of wine and a black tie dinner at the end).

4. The zoo (Not only are zoos TERRIBLE, EVIL places, but how can you expect us to enjoy a zoo when we’ve been on safari in Kenya?).

5. A baseball game (there is nothing chic about a baseball game. Not even if it’s VIP or catered).

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/22/6-signs-youre-the-high-maintenance-one-in-your-relationship/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/164499028112

[jimdsmith34]

6 Signs You’re The High Maintenance One In Your Relationship

I identify as many things: a self-diagnosed fantasy addict, a half-Jew, a citizen of the UK and a fashion-crazed mascara lesbian with delusions of grandeur. I own all of it, baby.

However, while I fully realize that I’m no “chill” girl— I don’t consider myself high maintenance.

My English mother used to always say, “Don’t be one of those high maintenance American girls, darling. It’s not attractive” as she twisted her mega-carat diamond ring around her finger. I’m one of those girls who thinks her mother is God so I fiercely hang on to every word she says.

OK, then. If mum says being high maintenance is “bad,” well then, surely it’s BAD.

However, my mother is also a woman who, for my entire childhood, would only get her hair done by “Today Show” celebrity hairstylist Louis Licari in his Fifth Avenue flagship salon.

Even when we moved to another state, she would trek into Manhattan to get her hair done by the notorious “King of Color” himself, drinking champagne with foils on her head, rubbing elbows with a European duchess to her left and a supermodel to her right.

She only drinks champagne and only goes to full-service gas stations. She sleeps in $200 silk nightgowns, instructed me to only ever grace my legs in Wolford tights and only uses Creme de la Mer on her skin. The casual day bag she wears when “sightseeing” is a tiny black quilted $2,400 Chanel crossbody purse with a chunky gold chain. She considers the Bowery Hotel a dive bar.

So I guess her definition of high maintenance is a little skewed, huh? And I guess mine is too. Because it only occurred to me recently I might be cut from the same high maintenance cloth as Mummy dearest.

Let me backtrack to a few weeks ago: It’s a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon in the lovely Hamptons, where I happen to be from (see, I didn’t stand a chance at being chill!).

I’m wearing a blue tribal print bikini from my recent trip to the south of France and I’m sitting at a posh beach club, clutching a $17 glass of Whispering Angel ros with freshly polished Christian Louboutin red nails gazing at the sparkling Atlantic ocean through massive two-toned sunnies:

My feet are in the sand. There is a plate of oysters glistening in the beautiful sunshine. Music is playing. The booze is flowing. And I think, shit I’m so happy right now, there is nowhere in the world I would rather be. I open my eyes and blissfully smile sweetly at my crush, who happens to be sitting to my left.

“You know it really doesn’t take much to make me happy,” I say to her, feeling really bohemian, eating my raw seafood lunch in nothing but a bikini top.

“Really?” she says, grinning, knowing I’m entirely full of shit.

“It really doesn’t. Just like a beach club in the Hamptons with wine and fresh oysters and…” and as the words come tumbling out of my mouth, I realize how amazingly ridiculous I sound. I realize how delusional I really am.

Oh no it doesn’t take much to make me happy just being at an exclusive club in one of the most expensive elitist summer spots in the world with $20 drinks and $300 bikinis and a tower of fresh shellfish.

In that moment I realized. Holy shit, I’m super high maintenance.

Suddenly a flash flood of dating moments wash over me. All of them point in ONE direction: I’m a high maintenance bitch when I’m in a relationship.

Don’t act smug! You clicked into this article, which means, babe, you probably are too. Here are some telltale signs:

1. Your idea of a chill night is pretty skewed.

Your idea of a quiet, chill night with bae consists of getting a room with a view of the High Line at the Standard Hotel, soaking in a claw-foot tub with bubbles to the very tippy top.

You’re ordering truffled cheese burgers (what! burgers are sooo chill) from the Michelin Star restaurant downstairs, drinking a bottle of champagne out crystal stem glasses, cuddling up in Egyptian cotton sheets and having loads of sex in your Agent Provocateur lingerie.

Oh, and definitely using your $500 sex toy.

2. When you’re asked “what restaurant you want to go to?” you always have an opinion.

When your sweet SO asks where you want to go to dinner, you might say “I don’t care” in your best chill girl drawl, but it will always be followed with:

“As long as they have burrata cheese because it’s burrata season, they have Kim Crawford sauvignon blanc (of course), they have oysters on the half shell because I’m REALLY CRAVING THAT RIGHT NOW,their staff has more than threeyears of experience, I personally know the chef, they’ll bring a separate chair for my new Balenciaga bag, they throw out a red carpet for me when I walk through the door, they have someone who can air me down with a fan for the entire dinner and they have strawberry shortcake. I don’t really care where we go, babe. You know me. I’m easy.”

3. You always slow your partner down because, well, HEELS, babe.

There are so many things you can’t do because your feet always hurt from your massive high heels that you insist on wearing everywhere, whether it’s the streets of Manhattan or Fire Island beach or yoga, honey.

4. You love having your hair pulled during sex, except for when it’s not your actual hair.

Wehigh maintenance girls want the best of everything and our hair is no exception. It’s hard to compete with all the gorgeous female celebrities with their forever shining luscious locks of hair.

And we all know a woman is only as good as her hair (I SAID IT AND I DEFEND IT). So when our hair is not going through its best life phase, we weave, baby. And by weave, I mean, we get extensions. Every high maintenance girl I know has had extensions at some point in her life.

In fact there is nothing more high maintenance than maintaining hair extensions. And we’re not going to let you muck up our $2000 Great Length extensions when we’re getting down and dirty in bed.

You can pull my hair anytime, babe, I’m a total freak. But don’t you dare pull my hair when fresh fake hair has just been applied. HELL NO!

5. You will never take public transportation to dinner.

Or anywhere for that matter. High maintenance girls will make you suffer through hour-long taxi rides rather than a 10-minute train ride. We just don’t like to be tossed into a sweaty cesspool of normal people (ew). We want air conditioning and we want privacy.

But don’t complain; taxi sex is the best sex. No one has sex in a subway, that’s just savage. But sex in the back of a taxi is totally bougie. And don’t give me this UberPool bullshit. UberPool is for the weak.

6. Your partner knows to never take you on a date to the following things.

1. A music festival (unless you have VIP seats. We don’t do general population).

2. Camping (unless it’s glamping and a luxury RV has been arranged).

3. A yoga retreat (unless there is loads of wine and a black tie dinner at the end).

4. The zoo (Not only are zoos TERRIBLE, EVIL places, but how can you expect us to enjoy a zoo when we’ve been on safari in Kenya?).

5. A baseball game (there is nothing chic about a baseball game. Not even if it’s VIP or catered).

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/22/6-signs-youre-the-high-maintenance-one-in-your-relationship/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/08/6-signs-youre-high-maintenance-one-in.html

[allofbeercom]

6 Signs You’re The High Maintenance One In Your Relationship

I identify as many things: a self-diagnosed fantasy addict, a half-Jew, a citizen of the UK and a fashion-crazed mascara lesbian with delusions of grandeur. I own all of it, baby.

However, while I fully realize that I’m no “chill” girl— I don’t consider myself high maintenance.

My English mother used to always say, “Don’t be one of those high maintenance American girls, darling. It’s not attractive” as she twisted her mega-carat diamond ring around her finger. I’m one of those girls who thinks her mother is God so I fiercely hang on to every word she says.

OK, then. If mum says being high maintenance is “bad,” well then, surely it’s BAD.

However, my mother is also a woman who, for my entire childhood, would only get her hair done by “Today Show” celebrity hairstylist Louis Licari in his Fifth Avenue flagship salon.

Even when we moved to another state, she would trek into Manhattan to get her hair done by the notorious “King of Color” himself, drinking champagne with foils on her head, rubbing elbows with a European duchess to her left and a supermodel to her right.

She only drinks champagne and only goes to full-service gas stations. She sleeps in $200 silk nightgowns, instructed me to only ever grace my legs in Wolford tights and only uses Creme de la Mer on her skin. The casual day bag she wears when “sightseeing” is a tiny black quilted $2,400 Chanel crossbody purse with a chunky gold chain. She considers the Bowery Hotel a dive bar.

So I guess her definition of high maintenance is a little skewed, huh? And I guess mine is too. Because it only occurred to me recently I might be cut from the same high maintenance cloth as Mummy dearest.

Let me backtrack to a few weeks ago: It’s a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon in the lovely Hamptons, where I happen to be from (see, I didn’t stand a chance at being chill!).

I’m wearing a blue tribal print bikini from my recent trip to the south of France and I’m sitting at a posh beach club, clutching a $17 glass of Whispering Angel ros with freshly polished Christian Louboutin red nails gazing at the sparkling Atlantic ocean through massive two-toned sunnies:

My feet are in the sand. There is a plate of oysters glistening in the beautiful sunshine. Music is playing. The booze is flowing. And I think, shit I’m so happy right now, there is nowhere in the world I would rather be. I open my eyes and blissfully smile sweetly at my crush, who happens to be sitting to my left.

“You know it really doesn’t take much to make me happy,” I say to her, feeling really bohemian, eating my raw seafood lunch in nothing but a bikini top.

“Really?” she says, grinning, knowing I’m entirely full of shit.

“It really doesn’t. Just like a beach club in the Hamptons with wine and fresh oysters and…” and as the words come tumbling out of my mouth, I realize how amazingly ridiculous I sound. I realize how delusional I really am.

Oh no it doesn’t take much to make me happy just being at an exclusive club in one of the most expensive elitist summer spots in the world with $20 drinks and $300 bikinis and a tower of fresh shellfish.

In that moment I realized. Holy shit, I’m super high maintenance.

Suddenly a flash flood of dating moments wash over me. All of them point in ONE direction: I’m a high maintenance bitch when I’m in a relationship.

Don’t act smug! You clicked into this article, which means, babe, you probably are too. Here are some telltale signs:

1. Your idea of a chill night is pretty skewed.

Your idea of a quiet, chill night with bae consists of getting a room with a view of the High Line at the Standard Hotel, soaking in a claw-foot tub with bubbles to the very tippy top.

You’re ordering truffled cheese burgers (what! burgers are sooo chill) from the Michelin Star restaurant downstairs, drinking a bottle of champagne out crystal stem glasses, cuddling up in Egyptian cotton sheets and having loads of sex in your Agent Provocateur lingerie.

Oh, and definitely using your $500 sex toy.

2. When you’re asked “what restaurant you want to go to?” you always have an opinion.

When your sweet SO asks where you want to go to dinner, you might say “I don’t care” in your best chill girl drawl, but it will always be followed with:

“As long as they have burrata cheese because it’s burrata season, they have Kim Crawford sauvignon blanc (of course), they have oysters on the half shell because I’m REALLY CRAVING THAT RIGHT NOW,their staff has more than threeyears of experience, I personally know the chef, they’ll bring a separate chair for my new Balenciaga bag, they throw out a red carpet for me when I walk through the door, they have someone who can air me down with a fan for the entire dinner and they have strawberry shortcake. I don’t really care where we go, babe. You know me. I’m easy.”

3. You always slow your partner down because, well, HEELS, babe.

There are so many things you can’t do because your feet always hurt from your massive high heels that you insist on wearing everywhere, whether it’s the streets of Manhattan or Fire Island beach or yoga, honey.

4. You love having your hair pulled during sex, except for when it’s not your actual hair.

Wehigh maintenance girls want the best of everything and our hair is no exception. It’s hard to compete with all the gorgeous female celebrities with their forever shining luscious locks of hair.

And we all know a woman is only as good as her hair (I SAID IT AND I DEFEND IT). So when our hair is not going through its best life phase, we weave, baby. And by weave, I mean, we get extensions. Every high maintenance girl I know has had extensions at some point in her life.

In fact there is nothing more high maintenance than maintaining hair extensions. And we’re not going to let you muck up our $2000 Great Length extensions when we’re getting down and dirty in bed.

You can pull my hair anytime, babe, I’m a total freak. But don’t you dare pull my hair when fresh fake hair has just been applied. HELL NO!

5. You will never take public transportation to dinner.

Or anywhere for that matter. High maintenance girls will make you suffer through hour-long taxi rides rather than a 10-minute train ride. We just don’t like to be tossed into a sweaty cesspool of normal people (ew). We want air conditioning and we want privacy.

But don’t complain; taxi sex is the best sex. No one has sex in a subway, that’s just savage. But sex in the back of a taxi is totally bougie. And don’t give me this UberPool bullshit. UberPool is for the weak.

6. Your partner knows to never take you on a date to the following things.

1. A music festival (unless you have VIP seats. We don’t do general population).

2. Camping (unless it’s glamping and a luxury RV has been arranged).

3. A yoga retreat (unless there is loads of wine and a black tie dinner at the end).

4. The zoo (Not only are zoos TERRIBLE, EVIL places, but how can you expect us to enjoy a zoo when we’ve been on safari in Kenya?).

5. A baseball game (there is nothing chic about a baseball game. Not even if it’s VIP or catered).

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/22/6-signs-youre-the-high-maintenance-one-in-your-relationship/