#love crach crush sex relationship

[dapandapod]

Real housewives of Kaer Morhen

So Witcher but as Real Houswives of Kaer Morhen. Because I can’t get it out of my head. But as a headcanon thingy.

Imagine. 

(On Ao3 now because why the heck not I dont wana lose it xD)

Outside of the big town of Cintra there is block after block of fancy houses. This one is named Kaer Morhen. 

Yennefer and Geralt are married, but in the house next to theirs moves this little boytoy.

Aiden works as the blocks pool boy, and he quickly becomes Jaksiers best friend.

Eskel and Triss are having a bad marrige, struggling real hard behind the scenes, but they show nothing.

So Triss seduces Yennefer.

And Geralt is very much trying not to spy on the very cute neighbour.

Lambert is Jaskiers gardner, and he hates Aiden with a passion. Until he doesn’t.

Vesemir and Tissia live together, they are not married nor in a relationship, but they are like a foster family? They have adoptive children and children who lives with them from time to time to get support from their regular chaotic life.

Yennefer is really mad abou the children, her lawn is in danger for crying out loud. But then she meets Ciri. and she is absolutely melting for her.

Slowly, Triss and Yennefer realize that there is more than sex going on. They are falling in love with each other.

Geralt sees it. He sees his wife falling in love with Triss and out of love with him, and he is so kind about it. They have a very tough conversation and they end up splitting up. They are still friends.

It doesn’t go as well for Triss and Eskel. They have a huge blow out, yelling and screaming. Triss and Yennefer ends up moving in together, and Eskel is alone in their big house. As revenge, he buys a hoard of goats and lets them live in the garden.

The children are playing a new game; “where are the goats today”, and Eskel might be encouraging some of them to uh… move the goats to get them where they are not supposed to be.

Eskel gets offered to take care of a little one that lost her mother. She is small and weak, and he makes her sweaters and names her Lil Bleater.

But she really isn’t well, and in the middle of the night he is forced to let go of his anger and pride and he runs to Triss and Yennefer's door.

Triss opens, and Eskel is crying with the little goat in his arms, begging to see Yennefer, who used to be a vet.

She does help him, and Eskel sits in their kitchen, head in his hand, being a wreck.

But Lil bleater gets better, and in the morning she eats from the bottle she refused before. 

They are all three reluctantly somewhat friends again.

But the goats are still everywhere. Because he can.

And now Geralt is free to deal with… whatever it is he feels for the boytoy Jaskier. Lambert and Jaskier started out as having a thing, and Geralt being his closest neighbour sees them making out everywhere.

Jaskier is of course interested in Geralt from the moment he lays eyes on him, but he doesn’t seem to realize Jaskier is hitting on him.

Geralt only realizes men are allowed to love men when he sees Lambert and Jaskier kiss real tenderly the first time.

It makes him feel things he can’t really place, but he does some googling and he lears a ton of new things. After that, he starts to see that Jaskier is flirting with him, and Jaskier is absolutely delighted when Geralt gets flustered.

(at some point there is a block festival with a pride theme that Jaskier makes them arrange. Eskel makes sweaters for all the goats with all the flags. The children loves it, and it is very chaotic. Ciri especially, who is crushing hard on Cerys, Lamberts niece. (and Crach is Lamberts brother, because we can) and Geralt and Ciri are bonding because they don’t know how to deal with their crushes)

Lambert and Jaskier start out as a fling, but it becomes clear to them both that this is more or less to make someone else jealous. For Jaskier, it is to tease Geralt, to show him what he could have, now that he is single. And for Lambert, well. It is to show Aiden that… he doesn’t know what, but that will teach him. 

And Aiden keeps smirking at him knowingly, and it drives Lambert out of his mind. 

Until it drives him into the pool shed, on his knees, doing what he absolutely haven't been thinking about for months. 

Jaskier finally gets Geralt, but it is by pure accident. It was raining? And he somehow got locked out of his house, thanks to the goats most likely, and Geralt let him sleep in his house. 

Jaskiers pretty hair was sticking to his face, his fancy shirt ruined. Jaskier barely even flirted with him, but when he was warm again, dressed in one of Geralt's shirts and swept in a warm blanket on the couch, Geralt reached in and kissed him. 

It was so gentle and sweet that Jaskier ached, their eyes searched each other before they were leaning in again. They fell asleep wrapped around each other, and for the first time in a long time, Jaskier felt like someone wanted to keep him. 

At some point before Eskel and Triss breaks it off, there is a BBQ where Jaskier is big time flirting with Geralt, and Yen and Triss are sneaking off. Regis, the “head of the block” and his two wards/sons, Valdo and Detlaff are also there, stiff and in full fancy garb. Valdo hates Jaskier with a passion because of his freedom, and they might end up friends at some point?

Philippa is there too, she lives next to Regis on the outskirts of town, she works with wildlife restoration. She is very very taken with a wonderful lady no one has ever seen. 

Detlaff is a real brat and doesn’t want her noisy, smelly house in their block, but Regis is adamant she stays. The nature around them has never looked better, and that is thanks to her and the goats.

Sabrina and Istred are married, and Sabrina is the biggest Karen you have ever seen. Almost bigger than her boobs. Istred work all the time (and is smitten with Yennefer, everybody knows, and Sabrina gets sooo passive agressive around her) and is rarely home, and Sabrina is just the biggest gossip around.

Letho is the milk man.

And he loves goats...... 

:)

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