#loveletterswithyourlittlenightwatcher

[your-little-night-watcher]

Dear my beloved,

I can feel a deep wound within my chest, I know I’m not a bad person because I never meant to hurt you like this but I did it and I wish I could dissolve. You may reassure me that I haven’t hurt you, that you know I don’t mean it, that it’s just my thoughts convincing me that I have but no matter how sweet the words that slip from your tongue are I can’t shake off the feeling that I have. It claws onto my heart with sharp claws and digs into it every time I try and shake it off. I can’t believe I’ve failed to properly love the one person who was trying for me. All my days blur into one when I am without you. There’s this crawling stalking feeling that circles me like a wolf about to tear apart a lamb, it tells me how badly I hurt you, berates me for holding your hand in these blood stained ones. Love cannot hide a monster no matter the amount. Please my beloved, I beg you - hurt me. I need so badly for you to hurt me, to rip this heart of mine out my chest and clear these worries or validate these feelings. I need you to hurt me desperately, that is what love is isn’t it? It’s better than you deserting me.Be honest; how close am I to loosing you? You’re life would be so full and happy without me. We both know it. I’m sorry I’ve been such a burden on your life. You are and will forever be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You are my only hope in this hell, I’m falling down amongst the damned but you and your smile stop me from falling into the dark - please just look at me! I don’t care if disgust laces your eyes, I’d give you my life! I’d grovel on my knees in the blood and rain just to be saved by your gaze one last time. Darling, won’t you help me because I’m gonna help you. Your so traumatised it makes me want to cry. I shouldn’t have dreams about you scratching or yelling at me.

I'm obsessed with you and I can't ever let you go, you know that, sweetheart<3 You’re my light and I’m like a moth, I’m drawn to you and can’t ever let you go, even if you hurt me. I need you. I need you to love me. I’m no one — im nothing without you telling me i mean something! I need you to care and show it. I'll hurt anyone you want me to! even myself! Please just think of me like I think of you! Don’t you get it? you need me. You won't survive without me. you won't feel whole, complete. You’re nothing without me. I am everything to you. I am your life. You cant do anything without me. what will it take to get you to understand that? What do I have to do to prove to you that you won't make it in this world without me by your side? get it through your pretty fucking head. you need me. you need me. you need me. Your smile is like sunshine and I wish nothing more but to be devoured by it. Surely you won't mind if I send letters for you everyday, right??? All for you and only for your eyes to read. Is it okay if I infect your brain like a parasite? I want to know everything and more about you, your darkest secrets and desires<3 Can't you tell I'm in love with you from how much fun I'm having holding you down?

Lots of love,

Your little night watcher

[your-little-night-watcher]

Dear my beloved,

You are too good. I don’t deserve your love and understanding. Their my love and my life and I cry ethereal and demonic tears when we have to be apart. They don’t know how unhinged I am from their love. I was already deranged before I met them, but it was internal. Their love has made it external and manifest itself in obsessive thoughts and apple pies. My only worry is that they’ll lose interest. Realistically they’d never but I find myself changing for them. To be their perfect angel boy. Not because their asking me to, but because of my own lack of identity. They are my identity. I want to be made in their image. The amount of love I have for these men is unimaginable. They are the sweetest most gentle people and I feel so unbelievably safe around them. I am so in love with them, they make me feel so safe and supported... They are so silly and never fails to make me laugh, they’re genuinely some of my favorite people in the world. I want to cook dinner with them and watch them fail miserably so we just order takeout instead. I fell in love with someone who makes me feel like a poem<3

Lots of love,

Your little night watcher

[your-little-night-watcher]

Dear my beloved,

It was 8pm when I realised my notes were filled to the brim with praises and wishful love, when I realised my heart over spilled into the words and the words fitted so delicately in place and it was pure and it was genuine - they had come to walls of my gaurded heart and banged on the walls but they would not open for they were there of a reason but they kept trying and with one fell swoop they shattered and it was disgusting. The realisation that in this moment I would lay upon my own blade for them made me feel sick to my stomach, it made heart beat in my cold chest and it was,, sickening. To love someone so intensely as I do now, to know they will never know the pain my heart bleeds for them, to know they will never feel the same way - I feel disappointed in myself and this poor tattered excuse for a heart, for how could I let these walls of mine crumble so easily for nothing but pain.

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you so much! I shouldn’t! I love you so much that I hate you! I should hate you but I love you so much! I love so much that I don’t want to love you at all! I shouldn’t feel like this, I shouldn’t have daydreams of you screaming and hurting me! I’m sorry! I hate you! I love you! I love you so much that I hate you but I could never leave you, I could never hurt you - I love you so much! I hate this! I hate the life that I have. I don’t want to exist anymore. I hate everything. But most of all, I hate myself! Why does loving you hurt so much? I love you so much it hurts me, I love you too much. I love you so deeply that I don’t want to love you at all. I love and hate you. I need you. It’s not your fault but I can’t help but hate you, I hate you so much that I want to rip you to shreds and entwine all your pieces with the threads of my being because I just love you so much! It’s not fair, nothing is fair! Why me? Love doesn’t hide a monster, no matter the amount.

Lots of love,

Your little night watcher

“I know you want your closure. 'Cause the future's unclear. I feel no obligation to tell you what you want to hear /lyr”

[your-little-night-watcher]

Dear my beloved,

You know, I used to talk about how I wanted to date someone smart - someone who philosophised about life, someone to read books with and annotate every little meaningless word and wonder what it all meant. I wanted someone to discuss literature with, who wrote and spoke like I did but what I needed was you two - and gods, you two are nothing like that and you don’t read the Great Gatsby or wonder what the real meaning of the wind up bird is but you - I love you, you understand me in a way no person possibly could, you read me like a book which is probably the only book you’ll ever read but yet I’ve read thousands of books and pieces of literature yet I can’t full read you - I have done a lot and seen a lot and learnt a lot yet it is like your something that I can’t fully learn and you do more than exquisite me, more than spark my interests. You to me, are more than words could ever describe or mean, it seems so minuscule to say I love you because I love a lot of things, I love Milo and rain and reading and writing - I say love a lot of things but never have I met another person to invoke the feelings you both do. It’s a feeling so past sexual that it feels pure, it feels innocent, it’s a feeling I tend to and care for. I have never once thought that another warm body could consume the entirety of my thoughts, of my feelings so you understand how small and meaningless it is to say I love you because you are more than that. Our love is pop rocks that fizz and cracks but eventually out love became smooth honey that flows in our veins, you are the first taste of honey whiskey, the neon colours of a club, the rain that taps against the bus window - you are both everything an nothing at the same time but to give diction to my thoughts; I do love you, very much. And I hope that makes even a little bit of sense to you as it does to me. Yet again I have come to realise for the eight hundredth millionth time, I am gay for Gatsby.

My beloved you won’t get what that means, I used to say it a lot there’s this book called “the great Gatsby” and Nick Carraway is the narrator and he talks about Gatsby like hes everything. And he holds Gatsby to this standard and he loves him but doesn’t think he’s loved back so to say and Nick is gay obviously, he has a night one stand with a man as it’s heavily implied but he loves Gatsby. He loves Gatsby and holds him to a standard and Gatsby can do no wrong in his eyes and he clearly loves him. There’s a quote from that novel which I think describes you perfectly my loves; “My heart beats for you, my lungs breathe for you, my hands reach for you. You are enough, more than I ever knew I needed and everything I will ever want.” I am gay for Gatsby and Gatsby is gay for me<3

Lots of love,

Your little night watcher

[your-little-night-watcher]

Dear my beloved,

I wanna lie on your stomach as you run your fingers through my hair gently. I wanna just be with you in bed but not just in a sexual way. Just existing on the same mattress, the same space as you m. Holding each other gently. Kissing you whenever I want to - just being able to Grab your face and smother it with butterfly kisses. I just wanna be near them all the time, no conversation necessary. Just us, existing in the same space, doing our own thing. Finding comfort in each others presence. I want to spoil them so bad. I want to wake them up with breakfast, surprise them with lunch, cook dinner for them to come home to. I want to give them little gifts that makes them smile softly, and be able to say cute little things that carry with them throughout their day. There’s so much I want to do for them. I wanna melt in their arms and feel safe and loved or vice versa, where they melt in mine and feel like nothing can touch them. I wanna have innocent skin to skin contact, like hand to hand or thigh to thigh, innocent, unnoticeable, but i can tell your in love by the blush. I want to feel their entire body weight resting on mine. Snuggling with their head in the crook of my neck, breathing onto my collarbone. Their arms wrapped around my waist, our chests pressed together and our legs tangled. I want to breathe in their scent, I want them to hear my heartbeat and know that it beats only for them, and watch them as their head rises and falls ever so slightly as I breathe in and out. There’s no need for conversation, and for all we know we’re the only people in the world<3

I am so in love with them, they make me feel so safe and supported... They are so silly and never fails to make me laugh, they’re genuinely some of my favorite people in the world. I want to cook dinner with them and laugh as they fail miserably so we just order takeout instead. Darling, you are the night sky and all of its stars<3

Lots of love,

Your little night watcher

[your-little-night-watcher]

Dear my Beloved,

I can feel the withdrawals kicking in whenever you're gone. Do you feel it too? Does your head pound and ache when you don't hear my voice? Is it like the life was taken from you whenever we're apart? I can't handle not having you here with me. I can't handle not being able to touch you. I need you. I want you to hold me, I want you to make me feel safe. I want to feel safe with you, I want to be loved. Please, love me and make me feel safe. I love it when your soft voice calls to me, i need your guidance and your love. I'm nothing without you, I promise. Please don't be mad at me. I do everything for you. You're my everything! My beloved, my prince, my liege, my first thought in the morning and last thought at night. I just need you by my side forever. Please, forgive me, just love me and make me feel safe again. I need you. I'm so obsessed but I'm afraid of sounding too attached. am I being too much? am I giving too much? am I scaring you? am I too attached? too needy? too obsessive for you? I swear I'll repress everything for you as long as you're comfortable with me. I need you. I need you to love me. im no one — im nothing without you telling me I mean something! I need you to care and show it. I'll hurt anyone you want me to! even myself! Please don’t be upset at me my beloved, I don’t think my already torn and fractured heart could take even the simple prick of a bloodied rose.

Lots of love,

Your little night watcher

“Won’t you stay with me my darling? When this house don’t feel like home?” /lyr

[your-little-night-watcher]

Dear my beloved,

I was looking through old letters from before I had found you again, from a lifetime ago where the sun did not shine and my heart was ripped apart in agony and the very threads of my being weeped your name into the silence of the night. Every night for 6 years. From when I tried so desperately not to forget your face, your name, your voice, your touch, your smell, your smile, your laugh, your everything. I should not feel so melancholy tracing over these words that mean so little now but I can’t help but feel my heart snap and crumble into small unfixable feelings all over again, I can’t bare the thought that perhaps one day I might loose you again - that this time I won’t get you back. I barely notice my legs give way as I fall on my knees to the floor, I should not feel this way - I can’t feel this way. I am not allowed to indulge in such feelings, I buried the person who wrote those letters with his bleeding heart, I buried him in memories woven into the stars themselves.

“I loved them and they loved me and our love was pure and strong and when I was with them, they made my whole world bright - they could pull me out of any depressive episode if they breathed my way and I felt things were gonna be okay, it wasn’t perfect and it didn’t need to be perfect it just needed to be. It’s been a few days and I can’t hold up, I should have seen the signs - I should have been there or- done something. I miss them so much, why didn’t they say good bye? I loved them then and I still love them and the worst thing is that I will never be able to mourn them - only the memory of them, I will never get the comfort or closure and it doesn’t feel real. They’re gone. They’re not coming back to me. But it doesn’t feel right, the flowers would have died, the world would have stopped spinning and the world would collapse on itself.. but it won’t will it, they’re gone and the flowers still bloom, and the world still spins and life moves on. But not me, I can’t. I still can’t believe it and it’s been 4 days.”

Lots of love,

Your little night watcher

“Shooting stars never fly for me, my hearts on Mars kinda hard to see. You know, You know I’ll see you again” /lyr

[your-little-night-watcher]

Dear my beloved,

It’s thundering tonight, I know how much you hate it, I hope you are well wherever you are tonight. There are no stars in the sky, the universe is void of all light it seems, I miss you dearly - do you miss me too? When I am with you, I feel the change within me, even though I don't display it. You make me feel as if all my edges have been filed down into something softer, something easier to love, and I hope to God you do. Though a part of me tells me it doesn’t matter, that though my edges have been softened and filed down - though I am easier to love, those words and those sentiments mean nothing. All I can do is write it out on here and pray to whatever higher being is observing that I am relieved some stress, because what good would any of it do? It doesn’t matter that I would do everything I could in the world to make you happy, it doesn’t matter that I’d always be there, it doesn’t matter that I’d help however I could, it doesn’t matter that I’d really genuinely care. None of it matters because I will still never be enough. It’s in my dna to never be enough for anyone and I’m scared that’s the fate I’m doomed to.

Lots of love,

Your little night watcher

“I don’t know what to do without you - I don’t think I could stand to be where you don’t see me” /lyr

[your-little-night-watcher]

Dear my Beloved,

When I was a child I’d look up in the endless galaxies on moonless lights, awing at all those constellations and endless trails of stars with such wonder and curiosity - wondering what it all meant in the grand scheme of things, I would chase these stars in my mind, my heart, in my soul and the threads of my very being. Now I know, my beloved, if you every asked me to - I’d chew up the cosmos and spit them out without a second of doubt<3 I always loved the stars my dear, but you were always so much more divine than a simple ball of burning gas, you are more than suns that have died over an eternity ago - in this lifetime I watch the stars go dull when you stand underneath it all and smile at me, I’ve always loved stars but I have loved you more<3 You make the stars seem dull and for that, I’ll treasure it till the end of my days<3

Lots of love,

Your little night watcher

[your-little-night-watcher]

I would love to kiss you in front of anyone who’s ever wanted or loved you<3

[your-little-night-watcher]

Dear my Beloved,

I want to eat you. I want to dance with you in the kitchen alone at 3am, I want to dip you into the moonlight and rip into your pretty throat - I want to eat you into nothingness, I want you to be apart of me so you’ll never leave me<3 I want you to be close to me, always close, it’s never enough sweetheart. I want to crack open your sternum and pry open your ribcage, I want to chew on your tendons and cartilage, I want to share your bones and skin and blood and muscles with you, I want to lap up all your blood like a stray dog dying from thirst<3 You’d taste absolutely divine my dear, like the apples that Eve ate in the garden of Eden - so sweet, so wrong and so right, so divine like an oasis in the middle of stranded desert, leaving me yearning for more, so forbidden and just oh so addicting<3 You’d taste of summer strawberries and chocolate milk like the ones we used to dine on when we were kids, your words drip like honey off your tongue and I can’t get enough, I want to bite off your tongue and taste the sweetness I long for every day - so I can make sure no one can ever taste how sweet you are<3 I want to chew on your eyes so you never look at anyone else, I wound grovel on my knees in the ground just to snap off your pinky finger and mine because you swore to stay with me and I to you my dear<3

Lots of Love,

Your little night watcher