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yetanotherhoeforpedro · 3 years

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Sinfully Armored

Chapter 6 - Anger Issues

Chapter 5

A/N: I’m sorry for totally mischaracterizing Thrawn, but I wanted him to be like this for the sake of the story…Please excuse my assumptions about Mandalorian culture...Also, a little CPR lesson to fulfill my educational mandate.

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“Am I supposed to quiver from fear at that name?” you drawled sarcastically, “Because, obviously, I am not.”

Her smile only grew wider. “Trust me, one day you will.”

“Can’t wait.” You flashed her a saccharine smile.

“You wouldn’t be joking if you knew what I am capable of, Jedi,” she warned you, the feigned amusement gone.

“You sure are capable of boring me to death.” You let out a yawn in emphasis.

“Darling, why must you hurt me like that?” Her holographic figure touched her chest dramatically.

“Quit the theatrics and get to the point,” Mando intercepted.

“Straightforward. I like that in a man.” She winked at him and you would have liked to rip her throat out simply for that.

“Anyway, you might not recognize my name, but I’m sure you know Grand Admiral Thrawn,” she went on. A shocked expression crossed your face before you could suppress it.

“I thought so,” she said triumphantly. “Now, I don’t know why he went through all this trouble just to get…you,” she wrinkled her nose in disgust, “but he must have his reasons. I guess he’ll tell you soon enough.”

“He’s coming?” It was an effort to keep your voice from shaking.

“Soon. Since you’ll not get out of this cell, I suggest you make yourselves comfortable.” With that, her holographic form dissolved.

At least you could let yourself crumble a bit now that she was no longer there to witness it. You began pacing the tiny cell while clenching and unclenching your hands. You just had to think…Maker, why couldn’t you think? There had to be some way out of here, you couldn’t be trapped. You couldn’t be left at someone else’s mercy, you couldn’t stay here, you had to get out…

A broad hand clamped down on your shoulder and halted your relentless pacing.

“What’s going on?” Mando asked as he spun you to face him.

“We have to get out of here,” you replied softly, still lost in your anxious thought.

“I know that.” He sighed. “Who is Thrawn?”

There had to be something in your expression then, because he added in a softer voice: “What did the bastard do to you?”

You swallowed against the dryness in your throat. “He…um…he…killed my family,” you breathed out. Though the truth was a bit more complex, he essentially did. Just then did you realize that you had never voiced it before anyone but Luke…and him.

“I’m sorry,” Mando responded after a moment.

“It’s okay,” you answered, though it obviously wasn’t. You simply couldn’t come up with anything else to say.

“Why would he be after you?” he inquired carefully.

“I’m not sure…maybe to finish what he started?” But that wouldn’t make sense, he could have killed you already…Instead, he was on his way here. Unless…unless he wanted to do it himself? You shook the thought off. “I thought…I believed him to be dead until a few days ago.”

You pulled your arms around yourself out of habit. You were used to giving solstice to yourself, to being the only one present when you spiraled downwards. But you weren’t alone right now and Mando was strangely good at comforting you. He pulled you in for a soft embrace and the feel of his arms around you served as a lifeline that kept you together.

“That’s the third time today,” you murmured into his armored chest.

“What?”

“The third time you caught me…I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m usually not this…weak…” You took a deep breath and were glad he could not see your face right now. Your cheeks were ablaze from embarrassment. Yeah, you had issues, but usually, you got it together…But everything has been piling up for the last few days and threatened to overwhelm you in a mighty avalanche.

“You’re not weak,” he replied firmly and tangled one of his hands into your hair. “You have a warrior’s heart, so you are used to confronting everything with violence. But this…this is not something you can beat back, it’s something you have to allow in and…you don’t want to feel helpless, so you’ve been suppressing it.”

Perplexed, you looked up at him. “Thanks for the psycho-analysis, though it was totally uncalled for.”

“You’re welcome,” he replied, mirroring your sarcasm, “Now let’s get out of here.”

You nodded and the two of you began probing the wall for flaws. There didn’t seem to be a single spot your lightsaber could penetrate.

After a few minutes, you groaned in frustration. “She was right, this is pointless.”

“Calm down,” Mando said softly, “There’s more walls.” He pointed upwards and you silently cursed yourself for not even thinking of that. When had your common sense left you?

However, the ceiling was similarly secured. “Okay, now you can be frustrated,” Mando sighed.

“Not yet. There’s one more wall.” You grinned at him. “Do you suppose they would expect their prisoners to just…cut a hole into the floor?”

“Probably not, as prisoners usually don’t have any weapons on them and as it would be a certain death wish?” Mando supplied.

“Perhaps. But not for a Jedi and a Mandalorian.” You winked at him before slamming your lightsaber into the floor.

Nothing.

“Okay, so maybe they did expect this,” you conceded while releasing a wave of breath. “What do we do now?”

“To be honest, I don’t know,” your copilot responded in a grim voice, “The walls are impenetrable for your Jedi weapons, so what could possibly breach them? They seem to be made out of pure Beskar.”

“But…to make a whole cell out of Beskar…How could anyone, especially the remnants of the Empire, afford that?” you queried.

“Um…I think I heard that the Empire sacked almost the entirety of Beskar reserves after they…killed all those Jedi.” Mando swallowed.

“I can’t believe I’ve never heard of this,” you murmured, “Though I suppose it makes sense, what better way to protect yourself against the remnants of the Jedi than to possess the one thing lightsabers cannot cut through…” You paused for a second. “Mando, I know…I shouldn’t ask this and you probably shouldn’t tell me, but…why can’t it cut through Beskar? I know you forge all sort of things out of the material, so it has to have a melting point…and usually, lazers are as hot as it gets…”

Mando took his time to respond. “I guess you’re right…I never…never truly considered this,” he admitted.

“So maybe we should use a different source of heat?” you suggested and pointed to his weapon’s arsenal.

“It’s worth a try…and I guess that if I shielded you, I could protect us from the thick of the blow. If we put as much distance between us and the heatwave, we might survive it,” he wagered.

“I think it’s worth the risk,” you decided, “And I’ll…I’ll send a message to Artoo in case we don’t make it out. Luke will rescue Grogu if we…if we don’t make it.”

Mando nodded slowly. “Yes, I suppose there’s no other way. Get in that corner.” You did as he told you and covered in the corner while contacting Artoo. The cell was tiny, but this had to work. It just had to.

You studied Mando extensively as he placed the detonator on the opposite wall. If you were to die in a few seconds, at least he would be the last thing you saw. You couldn’t even judge yourself for harboring these feelings, there was no point to it anymore. For some reason, you felt oddly light for the first time in your life.

“Mando,” you began as he crouched down in front of you, overcome by the odd urge to tell him…you weren’t sure what exactly.

“It’s gonna be alright,” he interrupted you and put his arms around you. When you heard him push a few buttons on his glove, you instinctively closed your eyes. “I know,” you responded before the bomb went off.

It all happened too fast to realize it, but you recalled the feel of getting pressed back into the wall by something hard, pressing the air out of your lungs, as a loud bang pierced the air.

When you opened your eyes again, dark smoke filled the air and obscured your sight. The resonating ring of the explosion limited your hearing. You still had no grip on the Force; therefore, you were left almost completely senseless.

“Mando!” you yelled into the darkness while reaching for him blindly with your hands. Why wasn’t he next to you? Where was he? Your mind turned blank besides that mantra while you scrambled around on all fours, searching for any sign of him.

Finally, you felt something hard and cold under your hands. “Mando?” you gasped softly, the smoke slowly clearing and the ringing in your ears subsiding. He was eerily still.

“Mando.” You grabbed at his shoulders and shook him violently. No reaction. “Mando!” you screamed, “Wake up!” Maker, why was he not moving? With trembling movements, you pushed your finger under his helmet, searching for his pulse.

There. Something. It was weak, but it was there. You sighed in relief, though it was short-lived as you noticed that it was getting fainter and fainter, until it completely ceased. Shit. You had to do something.

“Mando, I am so sorry…I promise…I promise I won’t look.” You took a deep breath before you began to undo his chest piece. “I’m sorry,” you repeated before closing your eyes and removing his helmet. You leaned in to check his breathing. Nothing.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t let you die,” you whispered before you moved your hands to the middle his chest. You pressed down forcefully 30 times, then you moved to his head. You hesitated, but only for a split second, and crushed your lips on his. You blew as much breath as you had left in you into his airways twice before going back to his chest and repeated the motion countless times. Thanks to the adrenaline, your pushes and breaths remained sturdy, even after you believed you had no force left in you.

“Breathe, Mando,” you sobbed before moving to his lips again. You felt something stirring under your hands then and halted. And sure enough, you felt a feeble breath caressing your cheek. “Thank the Maker,” you breathed out as you took in the noticeable heaving of his chest. His torso was perfectly toned with muscles, his chest hair…

Realizing your blunder, you quickly shut your eyelids again and turned around. It was only his chest…surely, there was some loophole in his codex for that…there had to be. Did you just save his life only to destroy his way of life? Shit, how could you have been this careless? It must have been the ecstasy of the moment. He never had to know you saw anything.

The soft exclamation of your first name made you still.

“Mando?” Your voice cracked.

“You…you saved my life,” he whispered.

You shrugged. “Don’t mention it. I…I didn’t look.”

“I know. I trust you,” Mando replied, still straining for clear breaths.

You swallowed loudly. “Um…we have to get out of here. Do you think…you can walk?”

“Yes. I think the impact simply rendered me unconscious. Nothing severe.” You heard him don his armor again as he got up. Mando limped past you to the gaping whole in the wall. “I didn’t think this would work,” he murmured in wonder as you followed him out.

“Shit, how do we get back to the ship?” you hissed as the two of you left the first hallway. “I don’t remember the turns we took.”

“Well, thank the Maker you have me then,” Mando joked, though there no real lightness in his tone. “My helmet can track footsteps, so we’ll just follow them back to the ship.” He grabbed your hand and began to lead the way.

In spite of his slight limp, you had to hurry to keep up with his speed as he all but dragged you through the labyrinth of corridors. To your surprise, not a single droid crossed your path. They probably believed you were securely confined and you couldn’t help feeling a little smug at outwitting them.

You took another right turn and saw the entryway to your ship draw closer. “Artoo,” you spoke into your comm, “open the ship. We’re almost there!” He didn’t respond. “Artoo?” you repeated. No reply.

You halted in your tracks, pulling Mando back as well through the connection of your hands. “Something’s not right.” Mando slowly turned to you.

“Not this again,” he groaned.

“Artoo is not responding. This has to be another trap,” you argued.

“Do we have another choice? Let’s just get back to the ship already.” He pulled at your hand and you complied reluctantly.

“Artoo?” you tried again while you ran towards the docking place. Again, no reaction.

You were almost there, only a couple more meters.

“Now, where do you think you’re going?” an unfamiliar voice called.

You spun around in horror to face the blue skinned man standing behind you. His eyes were glowing in an unnervingly intense shade of red.

“Thrawn,” you uttered, your voice deprived of any emotions.

“It’s an honor to finally meet you. I have such big plans for you.” He produced a feline grin. Gosh, this had to be serious if he was getting his own hands dirty. “Though I must say, I find it very rude of you to disregard my hospitality like that.”

“Come on,” Mando whispered to you and pulled you a step back. But this was not a confrontation you wanted to avoid.

“Get back to the ship,” you ordered him absentmindedly, “I’ll deal with this.”

“I’m not gonna leave you,” he murmured softly.

“How poignant,” Thrawn drawled, “A Jedi and a Mandalorian. It has an air of poetry to it, don’t you think?”

“Shut up.” Your eyes narrowed on Thrawn. “This doesn’t concern him, it’s between you and me.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that.” Your enemy's red eyes narrowed as well. “Guards, get the Mandalorian. I’ll deal with the girl.”

“Let’s go,” Mando urged once more, “We can still make it.”

You shook your head. Nothing would stand between you and your revenge now. This was the moment you had been waiting for you whole life. Jedi or not, you would relish in seeing the life drain from his alien eyes.

“Will you truly let your past take your future from you?” The disbelief and anger in his voice almost snapped you out of your madness. Almost.

He grunted in exasperation, but made no move to step away from you. Neither did he let go of your hand. “Then we’ll fight or way out together.” He dropped your hand the moment the guards arrived.

“Honestly, this is too sweet. The two of you.” Thrawn chuckled while pointing from him to you and back.

Not able to resist the temptation anymore, you lunged at him. Somehow, he sidestepped you easily, resulting in your blow landing in thin air. Somewhere behind you, you heard blastershots go off. You didn’t dare turn around to see how your friend was faring.

“Since when do Jedi,” the Grand Admiral spat out the word, “attack the defenseless?”

“I don’t mind making an exception for you,” you retorted, refusing to let his words get under your skin.

“Well, sorry to disappoint, but I’m not gonna fight you.” He smiled.

“Oh, that’s alright, I’m totally fine with just killing you then.” You smiled back at him.

“I’m afraid that won’t be an option,” he said and stepped aside to reveal the red-haired woman – Gad – emerging.

She unsheathed a purple lightsaber as she strode towards you in wide steps, her unbound red curls swirling around her like a living flame. “I’ve been looking forward to this moment for quite some time now.”

“Who are you?” you asked her, completely baffled.

“You know my name already,” she stated dryly.

“You know I’m not talking about your name.” As she drew closer, you reflectively positioned yourself into a fighting stance.

“I told you you would learn to fear me. Today is the day,” she replied instead, a devilish smile plastered on her face. Something tickled the back of your mind, but it was gone before you could grasp it. There was something about this woman…

With surprising precision, your enemy attacked. You deflected her blow and used her slight instability following the attack to return a blow, but she reacted quickly and spun to the side. In a movement too fast for your eyes to follow, she jabbed at your side. Without the Force, you were completely blind to the sudden strike and could only be glad that you redirected the blow in the last second to make it less fatal. Instead of directly stabbing you into your side, her blade only grazed at your back. You hissed in agony as it scratched your skin. Maker, it had been years since you last received a wound from another lightsaber, you had almost forgotten the intense burn of it.

“Do I need to remind you to not kill her?” Thrawn warned from the sidelines.

“Sure, sure.” Your opponent waved him off. “But you gotta let me have a little fun.”

You snarled at her and jabbed her right back, but she avoided your advance with a feline grace. She barked out a short laugh. “Oh, I haven’t had this much fun in years!” she shouted in ecstatic delight before charging at you again.

Following that, your fighting style went from offensive to defensive really quickly. While you felt the rage boiling inside you, you knew attacking her would be your doom. Mando was right, you should have fled when you had the chance. Mando…

Not able to stop yourself, you glanced over at him for a moment. He was practically surrounded by droids with electrostaffs and to your surprise, held a dark lightsaber in his hand himself.

Punishment for your distraction followed suit, as your rival kicked you hard, sending your lightsaber flying from your grasp. In panic, you tried to call it back to you, but there was still no tangible connection to the Force.

She pushed her glowing blade right up to your throat and you gulped at the heat radiating from it. “Game over, Jedi.” The word held even more venom coming from Gad’s mouth then it did when Thrawn had used it.

“You had your moment. Now get her to the cell,” Thrawn ordered, not commenting on the fight. You saw the frustration gleaming in Gad’s eyes, but she obliged. She turned her blade off before violently forcing your hands behind your back.

“This is not over,” she whispered into your ear and while you tried to fight it, you couldn’t suppress the terror her words awoke in you. You had never seen anyone fight like that, her speed and agility had appeared almost unnatural.

You twisted your head back to look past her at Mando, who was being forced to his feet by his opponents. Terrible guilt overcame you once again, had you not been this bent on getting your revenge…

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“This sucks,” you complained. At this point, you were absolutely positive you’d go insane if you stared at the blank metallic wall in front of you in silence for another minute. Still, no reply came. “Mando, look,” you tried again with a sigh, “I’m – “

“Just shut up, okay?” a low voice cut you off. “I don’t wanna hear anything about it.” The audible resolve made you cease your pathetic attempts at apologizing. Frustration getting the better of you, you strained against your chains for what was probably the hundredth time in the last two hours.

“Would you stop that already? We’re not getting out of here,” your companion growled at you from the other side of the room. Well, at least he was finally addressing you, no matter how aggressively. Baby steps. So, you swallowed your rising anger back down and sagged against your confinements.

“I will get us out of here,” you responded quietly, though you weren’t entirely sure who you were making the promise to.

Mando simply scoffed in answer. It was extremely weird to hear him make these sounds without his mask modulating them, but the unpleasant reason for him being unmasked made you flinch slightly. Maker, how did you let this happen? Of course, the answer was clear, as, once again, your insufferable hotheadedness was to blame.

Another deep sigh left your body. “Shut. Up,” Mando snapped.

“I wasn’t saying anything,” you sneered back. So much for trying to resolve this conflict…

“Nar’Sheb, di’kut!“ Mando yelled back. Wow, insults in Mando’a. That was a new one.

“Okay, I have no idea what you just said, but could you please try to calm down? I’m sorry…about all of this,” you attempted in a soft voice.

“Doesn’t change a damn thing.”

The two of you were silent for a long time after that, the only noises in your cell the shallow breaths you took.

“I…I don’t know what overcame me…I just…saw him and…snapped,” you admitted into the quiet.

“I know,” Mando said, his voice a bit more serene, “but I would have thought you had a better grip on yourself. Considering you’re a Jedi.”

“This has nothing to do with me being a Jedi…this was about me and my family and he had them kil…” You took a deep breath.

“Do you think I don’t know what that’s like?” To your surprise, the gentleness had left his tone again. “The Empire killed my parents, but am I out there risking everything just to get ‘justice’? No. Because there is no such thing. No matter how many of them I might kill, it would never make it right. Killing them would not turn my parents alive again.”

You had no idea what to reply to that, so you opted for silence. It had been incredibly inconsiderate of you…You never even thought about his past, nor about that of all the other victims of the Empire. There were countless of them, but did they act as foolishly as you?

Killing individuals and seeking revenge above all was not harming the Empire. You had to focus on the big picture, strike at its heart…Maker, why was this only just now making sense to you? Had your judgement been so clouded by your emotions the entire time? And there you were, desperately suppressing your feelings for Mando while you let the truly harmful feelings – hate and fear – flourish inside of you?

“Fuck Mando, you’re right. I’m a fool. And a bad Jedi. But we have to think of a way to get out of here and fix this.”

“I know. They still have Grogu,” Mando replied solemnly.

“I’m sorry,” you said again.

“Stop apologizing,” he growled.

“Yeah, I’m sor – “ You cut yourself off.

“You know, besides failing Grogu, I am also a letdown for the Mandalore now,” he exhaled softly.

“What are you talking about?”

“That…sword I wielded earlier…it’s crucial to us. Whoever wins it in a fight is the rightful Leader of the Mandalore. When Grogu had been…taken by the Empire, I accidentally obtained it in a fight, even though I…didn’t really care about all that…power,” he explained.

“Do you now?”

The question seemed to catch him off guard. “What?”

“Do you want to be the Leader of the Mandalore now?” you asked curiously.

“I…I don’t know.” He sounded surprised at his own answer. “And I suppose now that I…lost it again, I’ll never know.”

Maker, as if you didn’t feel bad enough about yourself already. You swallowed the apology down before it could roll off your tongue.

“Not that I could even be a true Mandalorian anymore…” he added gravely.

“Mando, stop that. Just because…yeah, they saw your face, but it…it wasn’t your choice…” Which made this whole thing so much worse. It should have been his decision whether he wanted to reveal himself or not, but you took that away from him. Your rash, emotional decisions ruined his life. You were not used to that, as you were usually the only one facing the consequences… “Tell you what. We’ll kill them all and it’ll be like no one ever saw you.”

“Please, don’t joke about this,” he growled.

“I wasn’t…that was a promise, not a joke. I want them dead for what they did to you. I’ll avenge you, if it’s the last thing I do,” you vowed and meant it. You would make this right.

“You never learn, do you?” He sighed. “Revenge is what got us here. It’ll not be what gets us out of here.”

“I know,” you admitted quietly. You had come to that conclusion yourself mere minutes ago, but the habits of a lifetime were not easily changed. “But…you are still a full-fledged Mandalorian. The helmet is not obligatory, it was you own…way, right?” It was a poor attempt at comforting him.

“You’re one to talk about the irrelevance of personal ways…Do you seriously think I have not realized how badly you were trying to push me away? How you desperately tried to keep emotional distance? Why is it that you cling to that? I know not all Jedi behave that way, Luke…” He stopped.

“How do you know so much about Luke and his preferences?” you inquired and knew you hit the correct spot by his following silence.

“I…I shouldn’t have asked that,” you said after a while, regretting that your assumption was correct. “And you’re right, I have a…strange set of personal rules. But I am slowly realizing that…that I have no reason to shackle myself. I have clung to the old Jedi Codex which absolutely prohibited any romantic relations for the Jedi to honor those who…saved me. However, at the same time, I let hate and fear fester inside of me…And maybe I am not allowing myself to feel any…emotional attachment because…because of that hate and fear. To punish myself by not allowing those…positive feelings in and out of fear that…if I open myself and…love someone, I…I’ll lose them.” The words spilled out of you before you could register what you were saying. But somehow, voicing it made it even more clear. You had to change your foolish ways, as hard and painful as that may be. Mando said that you were used to being a warrior and that this was a different battle…Maybe he was right. Still, you believed your will – or rather stubbornness – to be strong enough to emerge vicious from this fight.

“Sometimes I wish…I could just take the helmet off and never put it on again,” Mando admitted quietly, “But I…who am I when I’m not the Mandalorian? The helmet and the armor give me the power to protect those I love and I am willing to make that sacrifice for that.”

You almost turned around to face him at that. Almost.

“But…you could have both. You could take the helmet off and remain a Mandalorian,” you argued softly.

“No. That’s simply not possible. There might be those who consider themselves Mandalorians and still take their helmet off, but…that’s not the Way. True Mandalorians barely expose themselves in front of other humans,” he replied firmly.

“Barely?” Curiosity coated your voice.

“Well…you can of course take it off in front of your…soulmate,” he disclosed quietly.

“Soulmate?”

“We take the whole…concept of souls really…seriously. ‘Manda’ actually means ‘soul’ and those who…stray from the Way, are ‘dar’manda’ – soulless.” You waited patiently for him to continue, totally intrigued by the description of his culture. His voice dropped a little: “When we…form a life union with our love, we share our soul with them. And…’Kir’manir’ means ‘to give one a soul’, but it’s also our term for ‘adopt’…Our families don’t necessarily share the same blood, and it’s also possible to…divorce your child or parent – Dar’buir…” You heard him take in a sharp breath before he continued. “When I…when my parents died, the Mandalorians took me in. They gave me a soul. I could never turn my back on that.”

“I…I don’t know what to say,” you confessed, “Thank you for sharing this with me…After my parents and my sister died, me and my little sister…it’s a long story, but we managed to flee from our home planet and…an old Jedi master who survived Order 66, took us in and taught us…however reluctantly…about the Jedi Order. My mother was one of them, so we…already knew the basics, but Master Yo…he helped us connect to the Force and explained the Jedi Codex to us. I always wanted to be a Jedi so I’d never be in a position where I couldn’t protect those I loved again…” You looked around. “Yet, here I am. It’s kind of ironic.”

“Where is your sister now?” Mando asked carefully.

“I…I don’t know. She just…left one day. She didn’t want to have anything to do with the Jedi. Or me.” You shrugged and ignored the sting you still felt after all those years.

“I’m…sorry,” Mando offered and you let out a breathless laughter. Apparently, he didn’t have an alternative expression either.

“It’s okay. Both of us dealt with the pain differently and I…I cannot condemn her for hating me. I let our sister die,” you whispered.

Your companion was silent, and you couldn’t blame him. What could one say in response to that?

“We will get out of here,” Mando vowed quietly after a while.

“I know. I just don’t know how yet.”

“We’ll find a way.” His voice held so much confidence that you couldn’t help believing him for a moment. “Close your eyes,” he added and though you were puzzled, you obeyed. “Turn around.” The chains that bound you rattled loudly as you did as he told you. A short silence followed, but before you could ask him what this was about, you felt his lips on yours.

The kiss was heartbreakingly tender and conveyed all the things the two of you had left unsaid. Mando gently cupped your cheek before breaking away. A breath of air touched your cheek as he leaned in to whisper into your ear: “And by the way, I won.”

In spite of your bleak situation, a smile formed on your lips. “No, you didn’t.”

Masterlist

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