#maybe I’ll draw cat boy Akito next

[straybaddog06]

I like having an excuse to draw cats up

[tardytothepardy]

Fruits Basket - Vol.12

Compared to the previous book, this one was a lot lighter. It also featured Kagura, who hasn't really been in the series for a while. She kinda showed up for a little bit in the previous book but it wasn't much. It's not necessarily that I like her but she used to be around a lot, then she just kinda poofed away. In this volume, we discuss fun things like breaking curses (or trying to, anyway) and parent-teacher conferences! Exciting stuff, right?

We start off with Tohru meeting with Kazuma to ask about the curse, if he can help at all. She's doing all of this as secretly as she can, because she knows that if anyone finds out, they will try to stop her, either in a "Agh I'll kill you for trying to meddle with these things!" way or a "Ah you don't know what you're getting into, stay out if you value your safety!" way. Either way, it'd get in her way. (how many times can i say "way" .-.) During this talk, Kazuma says that Akito has a strange power over the Juunishi, that his words really do have a heavy weight on them, something that even Kazuma, despite being a Sohma (but not a Juunishi), can't fully understand. They're all tied together, in a bond. That is part of the curse. But because of this extra power that Akito can assert over the rest of the Juunishi, it makes it extra difficult to figure out how to help them break the curse. Later, as Tohru leaves, our local Horse Girl, Izusu shows up, asking what the fuck Tohru was doing. It seems as if Izusu is also trying to break the curse. Spicy.

Since we were already at Kazuma's,, dojo? Should I call it that? I don't know, but Kyo and Kagura are also there, because they practice kicking butt at least three times a week. What a ritual. Kagura asks if she and Kyo can talk somewhere, which works well with Kyo, since he was planning on talking to her anyway, but she insists that they go out on a "date", wherein she takes them to a place that I guess they played at when they were kids? Something like that.

During this scene, we get to know why exactly Kagura has been latched onto Kyo throughout this series, and she admits that it was sort of out of pity for him. She herself didn't like the fact that she is a Juunishi (is that how I should phrase it I'm not sure about that either), but when she saw Kyo out in the yard area, drawing fried eggs, apparently, all alone, she felt worse for him than she did herself. She knew that he was the cat, and that he was treated worse than she really ever would. And so, she took pity on him. Maybe she didn't fully realize or intend for that in the beginning, maybe she just saw Kyo all alone, and wanted to get to know the orange haired boy drawing fried eggs in the dirt, because, hey, who wouldn't?

But over time, it definitely became that way. Everything changed significantly when she pulled Kyo's bracelet off, the one that keeps him from being in his dark form or something (is it like a light switch or something does he really have no control over that like i know at the time he was just a little kid but like,,, currently in the story. does he have any control whatsoever?), and she promptly got quite scared (understandably), and ran off. Afterwards, she just kinda pretended that it didn't happen (Kyo's mom did that too, I just remembered), and for some reason decided that if she was as close to Kyo as she possibly could get, that all of that stuff would go away, and that Kyo would like her. As we know, that did not happen.

One big reason that I was glad about the scene is that Kagura is admitting to herself but also to Kyo that she was being selfish. She apologizes for her actions, and is aware that she was acting that way in some part (however big or small) for her own peace of mind, for her own gain, potentially. She still says that she loves him, which I'm not here to debate. That's her own business. Kyo just thanked her for saying that, but also made it clear that he never really did and still doesn't feel the same way at all. So thankfully that's all been put away. For now, anyway.

I mentioned our local Horse Girl earlier, and she does come up more in this story. Apparently, when Yuki was younger, for some reason, people weren't really allowed to visit him. Maybe it was just a thing that happened as part of a punishment, or maybe it was something else, but basically Haru would go like "That rule doesn't apply to me because I can't read!" and see him anyway, and sometimes Izusu would also be there. She wouldn't talk to either of them, she would just sit in the corner for a while, then leave. At the time, it didn't make much sense, but within this book, we find that she was actually listening to people outside the room, and if she heard anyone come too near, she would go out and distract them so that Haru could leave without punishment. So our local Horse Girl does care <3

Speaking of the parent-teacher conferences, Tohru's grandpa can't go. Why not? Because he threw out his back, probably from all the energetic dancing he does in a day (i mean they didn't say how he hurt his back so,, dancing. i'm deciding it's from dancing), but this is a bit of a problem for Tohru, seeing as she no longer has parents that would go. Valiantly, Shigure offers to take her grandpa's place, mostly so that he can see Mayu's reaction to his general existence. (Specifically her look of disgust. Admittedly, it was pretty good.) The conference goes over fairly well, with Mayu telling Tohru to not take on too many things at once, which is true. Tohru is running around here thinking that she isn't pulling her weight as if she isn't part of the reason why Yuki and Kyo aren't constantly fighting, or the fact that, just by existing and being the ray of sunshine that she is, she's helped basically everyone she's come into contact with to strive to be their best selves. Sure, Tohru, you're slacking soo much. (Honestly it's probably one of those things where she wouldn't really be aware of it, since she's only known these people to be the way they are since knowing her. Like, she's noticed that people are changing, but she doesn't know how much they've really changed, so it makes sense, but still. Girly is doing lots and she doesn't even know it.)

The conferences go over pretty well, but Yuki's mom had it changed to a later date. Yuki has already been having some struggles with it all, because he's going to have to be around his mom, who he does not have a great relationship. There's some mention of her making decisions for him, and I imagine in the next book that will shine fantastically. It seems that Ayame is going to pop up, though, and hopefully that will work in his favor.

As it is currently, Hanajima said she thought Kazuma, who showed up for Kyo's parent-teacher conference bc let's all be honest he's basically Kyo's dad at this point, was handsome. Also apparently people say that Uotani should be a model. She said that she's trying to get to six feet tall (as if that's a conscious decision that you have much control over??), and so she just said she wants to do that when she's older. Be a model, that is, not be six feet tall. Agh, grammar. It's weird.

Later, Tohru visited her grandpa, and talked about her parents. I think it was mostly a dream that she was talking about, and how they got along. I thought it was interesting, because as a whole, if Tohru is talking about her family, it's usually only about her mother. I'm anticipating that later on, there could be more of a focus on the rest of her family, or, at least, her father. Who was he? Was he an awful human being and good riddance, or something else? Hopefully it's just "something else", I'm not sure how many "awful human being and good riddance" characters I can handle.

Anyway, for some reason, after Tohru left her grandpa's place, and was all overwhelmed with emotions and memories, Kyo showed up. What was he doing there? I dunno. She asked him why he was there, and he just said that she's tiny and skinny. Nothing to do with anything, but whatever.

This feels so disorganized, but that was mostly what happened. I feel like I list things out too much, drawing out on every detail, and I think I'm trying to reign myself in. Unless someone does want a play-by-play run down of this series, in which case I'd still probably be lacking in something. I dunno.

[sobdasha]

I know tomorrow’s ep is gonna ruin me

so I might as well start a ~thoughtful post~ about it ahead of time.

Specifically, the thing I anticipate wrecking me the most is that Tohru's "let's go home" speech to Kyou isn't a love-and-acceptance speech.

It's a fuck-you speech.

I wanted to do a meta post about this because while this is a very powerful moment and gives me very powerful feels, I've also always kind of not got it? Like what makes this moment with Tohru special? Because she's scared? Other people were scared too, the fact that they tried to deny it kind of proves how scared they were. And Kyou said she didn't have to love everything and she kind of basically said "too bad I love everything anyway" so how was that a compelling argument? Everyone else here (Kazuma, Kagura) has behaved selfishly so why does Tohru's selfishness fix the problem?

Like with that Hiro post, I figure if I just keep pondering and typing eventually I'll figure it out and go "oh snap Takaya's brilliant"

Anyway.

I've always been tempted to read Tohru's "let's go home" speech to Kyou as a love-and-acceptance speech. Which is a waste of a good resource, and a huge disservice, because thinking that way tends to reduce Tohru to the Mary Sue stereotype that Hiro accuses her of being--all Tohru has to do is stand there and say a few nice things and suddenly everyone's problems melt away? Seriously?

((Doing more skimming research later in this post, it turns out I'd completely forgotten that Akito and Kyou literally have a whole conversation about this, where Akito's like "wow St. Tohru is unreal" and Kyou's like "you literally missed the point tho." My bias for Yuki as favorite character instead of Best Boy Kyou is unfortunately strong, guys.))

Which is probably why I find the True Form arc to be a bit forgettable when I don't have it open in front of me. And also why I've always found it a little illogical. While I love the end results, why is this particular love-and-acceptance speech, at this specific time, actually effective for Kyou?

Kyou's received a lot of love-and-acceptance speeches in his life, and to be quite honest he doesn't believe them. He has no faith in them. And he's got logic here.

Kyou's mother always told him she loved him, she loves her son, she's proud of her son, you're not a monster you're just...under an evil spell temporarily, and I'm not scared at all. She talked the talk, but Kyou was always sensitive to the fact that her actions didn't necessarily match her words (she was always, always scared, I think. Maybe a bit of Kyou, but mostly of her husband). And when it became too much and she gave up on herself and her future and took her own life, well. Kyou knew exactly how empty "love and acceptance" was.

Kagura was the first one to play with Kyou when they were kids, and she's devoted her life to telling Kyou that she loves him, she loves everything about him. But when she saw Kyou's True Form she ran away, kept her distance for a while, and then came back and pretended nothing had ever happened and restarted her dating campaign with a vengeance. It's not clear to me whether Kyou ever realized that Kagura started paying attention to him out of pity, but I suspect it's something he's pretty good at picking up on.

Kazuma adopts Kyou out of a mix of pity and an attempt to atone for his past behavior, like Kagura, and honestly I'd forgotten that Kyou literally says a couple of times that he suspects pity was a factor. But their relationship grows beyond that pity, even Kyou is sensitive to that, and it's not something he holds against Kazuma. So I'm sure Kazuma gives Kyou plenty of earnest love-and-acceptance speeches, given that he loves and accepts his son. But even so it's complicated for Kyou, and those speeches can't make Kyou love and accept himself.

Tohru, of course, gives all the Soumas plenty of love-and-accepting speeches, and Kyou is no exception, Kyou you have a plum on your back. This doesn't serve to make Kyou like himself so much as it serves to make Kyou like her.

This time, though. This time that's not the kind of speech Tohru gives Kyou. Look at Tohru's face, right as she turns around. She's determined and she's pissed.

This is a good character development for Tohru! I think this is her first real, stubborn attempt to be selfish without someone having pushed her towards it first.

Kyou has just hurt Tohru, physically and emotionally. Get the fuck away, he tells her. I can't stand you, he tells her. I don't ever want to see you again, he tells her, and if I do I'll take my claws to your face next time.

And Tohru starts to go. This whole thing is overwhelming and it's only been like 10 minutes and she hasn't processed at all yet. She's hurt, she's really hurt, but most of all she doesn't want to be a bother, she doesn't want to be a burden, she doesn't want to be hated, Kyou has clearly expressed his feelings and she should respect that.

And then Tohru stops and draws herself up and makes that face.

And runs back.

And grabs Kyou and tells him, fuck you, what about my feelings, come home. I literally don't understand what the fuck is going on, I'm sick and I'm scared and come home. I don't want you to give up on yourself, but you don't get to give up on me before you've even given me a chance to process this and decide if I'm okay keeping you in my life. And guess what, fucker, I still want you in my life so come home because I don't want to live in a house that doesn't have you in it. You told me to tell you that so listen. You have to return the favor and tell me when you're upset and let me care about you so just come home.

Obviously Tohru phrases it differently but I feel like that's the accurate gist of the hysterics lol.

Tohru doesn't say "oh it's okay I love you it's not...it's not that scary! Trust me!", which is a thing Kyou has learned not to trust.

Tohru says "I know this sucks but bitch what about me" which is, honestly, one of the things Kyou feels in regards to his mom that he's yet to unpack, so this really resonates with him. This is real.

(It's real and it's raw and Laura Bailey is going to destroy me and I can't wait to actually be debilitated by the True Form arc.)

I don't have a good transition but now I wanna talk about Kyou's relationship with pity

Pity in regards to Kyou is something that comes up a lot throughout the series. Kagura befriends Kyou out of pity so that she can feel good about herself. Kazuma pities Kyou after seeing the shit the Cat has to go through and takes him in. Kazuma worries that Tohru might only be with Kyou out of pity, like his grandmother towards his grandfather. I believe Shigure tells Tohru at one point "seriously did you really think we don't all know about Kyou and we aren't all pitying him and saying 'thank god it's not me, I'm getting off great compared to the Cat' to ourselves in secret?" And of course, Kyou himself says that he doesn't want or need Tohru's pity during the True Form confrontation.

Pity can be condescension and looking down on someone. Pity is something unequal, compared to compassion, something that might imply insult, something that's embarrassing to receive because it implies you can't get compassion on your own merits or your own level. And pity is something forced.

Thinking about this, I think Kyou can actually really relate to Rin (which might be part of why he was so jealous that she might take Shishou from him when Kazuma got concerned about her welfare, that similarity, in addition to the obvious fact that Kyou has just got a good thing and it's his good thing and don't take it from him). Rin's parents, presumably out of some combo of pride and pity and status, decided to force themselves to make a good show of being a happy family. And because they forced themselves to "love" Rin, it went to hell in a bullet train when it broke.

Kyou's mom went a similar-enough way. She tried to put on a show of normalcy, tried to force herself to be okay and say all the right, loving things to Kyou while her husband kept telling her that she'd shamed him, bad enough to have a cursed child but of all the Zodiac you gave birth to the cat monster, you should have died rather than have that child, we'd all be better off if you'd do us a favor and just die. And when the pressure got to be too much, she did just that.

So I think it's not unreasonable that Kyou might have separately come to the same conclusion that Rin does. Pity--forced love--breaks people. People who feel compelled to love you will get burnout and possibly explode and definitely have their lives ruined. (This is why Rin doesn't want to rely on Haru, doesn't want Yuki to rely on Haru, doesn't want anyone to rely on Tohru.)

This is, I think, half of why Kyou distances himself from people. Half of it is to protect himself, because obviously he doesn't like getting hurt. But half of it is to protect other people, because he doesn't want them getting hurt.

He does it with Tohru, trying not to get close to her (he already killed her mom, the least he could do is just never get involved with her again), trying to run her off during the True Form arc by hurting her so badly that she won't regret having nothing to do with him again. He does it to Kazuma, yelling "He's not my dad!" so people will stop saying the shit they associate with Kyou to Kazuma as well (directly after the True Form, Kyou levels up his character development and tells Kazuma that one day he'll be worthy of calling Shishou his dad in public, which is good, although the fact that Kyou still thinks he is currently not someone Kazuma can claim as a son without shame is a development Kyou will have to work on later).

And, ohhh shit, I'm pretty sure Kyou does this with Kagura too. Kagura says that Kyou is the first one to pull back after their own True Form incident (she later admits to herself that no, actually, the first one to pull away was her because she never invested herself in their friendship in the first place because pity). And that is probably, again, partly because Kagura freaked out and ran off and just left Kyou there, and Kyou doesn't want any further rejection from her. Partly because it probably got around, and Kyou's dad made sure Kyou's mom heard about it, and Kyou's mom tried to make peace by keeping a tighter rein on Kyou.

But before the incident, Kyou and Kagura are really good friends, and Kyou really enjoys being with her. After the incident, after they mutually avoid each other, after Kagura comes back around and pretends that nothing happened, after Kagura reaffirms that she loves Kyou no matter what, that's when Kyou starts pushing back for her to leave him alone.

Maybe it's just Kyou's usual touchiness and I'm reading too much into it. It's not terribly long after the incident that Kyou's mother ends her life, and Kyou's being blamed for it instead of being allowed to grieve, and he blames himself, and after that he's a different kid and he's really prickly and quick to anger around everyone except Shishou.

But I don't think it's unreasonable to put forward that Kyou still liked Kagura as a friend, and he saw how Kagura reacted, and pretending nothing was wrong was part of what killed his mom, and if he still likes Kagura as a friend then the best thing Kyou can do for her is to shove her forcefully away from him, over and over, until she stops associating with him and getting hurt because of it. Before she gets hurt badly.

Like I put somewhere in an earlier post, Kyou doesn't like Kagura romantically. He certainly doesn't like having his space violated and his feelings ignored. But he (grudgingly) lets her get a way with a lot that speaks to a certain tenderness towards her. Especially later, during Kagura's confession--he's not warm and he's not close and open to her, but he also listens to Kagura, he forgives her, he says thank you, and when she runs to him he lets her cry into his shirt until she's through. You aren't that accommodating to someone you don't care about.

(On the flip side, it occurs to me that--for all that Kagura is a jealous rival of Tohru for Kyou's love--Kagura doesn't come around and act like it much. As Tohru points out, Kagura's really been holding back. I think that Kagura's being honest when she adds at the end of her confession that she really did come to love Kyou after all. It's unrequited, and she's always known that, and she's been struggling with it since Tohru came into the picture. But I think deep down she does like Kyou enough to want him to be happy, and she's realizing that he might be able to be happy with Tohru in a way he can't be with Kagura, and it's super embarrassing and painful to have to admit that to herself, but she's been working on letting go even though she herself doesn't want to be doomed to a life of unloved loneliness, which is what she believes will happen if she lets go of Kyou. Kagura, like Hiro, has character development struggles that are mostly internal.)

Things I only just realized about Kyouru

I have talked before about the fact that Kyou and Tohru's relationship works because they can get to the heart of each other and really see each other and connect on the same level in a way no one else does with them. What I did not really think of, at the time, is that Kyou and Tohru are actually very similar. They actually have a very similar problem.

Which just goes to show my intense Yuki bias, because Kyou has flat-out said over and over again that he believes himself to be a burden and I guess I didn't notice??

And I've just spend so much time saying that this is Tohru's biggest anxiety.

They differ a bit in the execution. Tohru considers herself as starting off at a net zero, basically: she doesn't exactly think her existence is problematic, but she doesn't feel that she offers any worth or value to compensate for the efforts she takes from other people, so she's terrified of being a burden and thus causing people to resent and hate and reject her.

Kyou considers himself as starting off at a negative: he has nothing of any worth to offer to people around him, and he believes that just being around him is actively detrimental to other people, so he just assumes people naturally hate him and avoids everyone and pushes away people who try to get close to him, especially people he loves. (He makes some exceptions when he really really loves, like keeping Shishou at arm's length in some regards but basking in his dad the rest of the time, and giving into his fondness for Tohru even though he knows it's going to go bad.)

Tohru's had her worldview reinforced by being abandoned by a young and grieving Kyouko. Kyou's had his worldview enforced by being told that people who are kind to him die of it.

Kyou's mom loved him more than anyone; Kyou's mom died for him/died because it's his fault. Kyouko was nice to Kyou; Kyou's secret is safe at the cost of Kyouko dying from that car. The beads that keep sealed the Cat's true form are made from the bones and blood of a priest; the way people retell the story implies that Kyou straight-up murdered this guy ages ago, or at least that Kyou's taking advantage of a sacrifice that was forced and not willing. (I mean honestly it could go either way, but lately I've been thinking that it seems unlikely you'd go murder some holy guy to make some beads to seal up a cat monster that you hate when you could just murder the cat monster, don't tell me olden days Souma wouldn't just find that simpler; it seems to me like the sort of effort you'd go through for someone you actually cared minimally about, and that the priest probably devoted himself to holiness for just such a reason, probably offered to have a holy death and create a protective relic. Not that that would make Kyou feel any better.)

This probably ties back into the whole pity thing...Kyou doesn't want people to feel compelled to love him, to force themselves to love him, because not only do they not get any benefit but he has actively negative worth and it hurts people to be around him. Kyou, like Tohru, finds it hard to accept that people might not see it as a burden or a harm to be kind to him. That they might want to be kind to him and enjoy his presence. These children can't just let themselves take the damn donuts.

And that's probably the why of why Kyou, specifically, and not Yuki, is so good at noticing Tohru's issues and actively pushing her to be selfish. It's hard to help yourself, but it can be easier to see yourself in others and give them the advice that you yourself won't take. Let yourself be selfish and live a life that makes you happy. Complain when you need to. Let yourself have some donuts when donuts are being handed out, even if you don't think you deserve them/some jerks have told you you don't deserve them and you're a fake for taking a donut.

(I'm not sure Kyou's ever actually heard this bit, and I don't have time to unpack it right now, but uggghhh I just remembered that Tohru low-key blames herself for her mother's death as well. If she'd been more grateful...if she'd had her priorities straight and her mother was the most important thing in her life, more important than trying her best in school...if she'd just managed to say "Come home safe", then her mom wouldn't have died, and because she was an ungrateful daughter and didn't say it that one time she lost her mom. Nnnn my heart.)

Again I don't have a good transition, but as I think about all this I think I get why Kyou is able to accept Tohru's fuck-you speech as being a real and sincere thing he can depend on instead of instantly assuming it's pity. He's probably not thinking straight enough to realize that Tohru's just taken a level in character development and is being remarkably selfish and open about what she wants from him, not just yet.

But looking at Kyou's past experience with True Form reveals…

Kyou's mom tries to reassure Kyou that everything is fine and normal. She smiles and says all the right things and pretends not to be perturbed. Tohru, as Kyou notes, is clearly not fine about things, she's overwhelmed and sick and scared and clinging to him while shaking and crying. "Can't you see?! Smell?!" Kyou demands when Tohru doesn't instantly run off, but it's pretty clear she does because Tohru isn't smiling, isn't trying to pretend this doesn't bother her. She's undeterred, yes, but she's very bothered.

Kagura's scared too, when she sees, and Kagura runs away. Tohru's scared and she runs toward. Again, Tohru's not hiding her fear even if she's not letting her fear stop her, Tohru's not smiling her serene smile, Tohru clearly would rather run away and go "what the fuck?!?!?!" for a while before dealing with the fallout. Tohru's not a saint, Tohru's just slightly more scared that she'll never see Kyou again after this if she leaves now than she is of Kyou's true form. She's kind of almost passed through the other side of terror into desperation.

Tohru's biggest anxiety is that she'll be abandoned for being a burden, true, but Tohru also is terrified of being preemptively abandoned because the other person has decided they're a burden for Tohru. That's exactly what Hana tried to do in middle school. Hana tried to give up on Uo and Tohru.

"Give up on" isn't a phrase used in the True Form arc, but it comes up plenty elsewhere. Momiji says much later that he's done giving up on the Cat. More specifically, when Kyou's unpacking his complicated feelings about his mom and her death, he says at one point that he wishes she hadn't given up on herself and had stayed together with him. And since mom plays into the True Form arc (as does the "being together" sentiment), I feel it's valid to drag the "giving up on" idea into it as well.

Kyou tries to give up on Tohru--decides for himself that she'll reject him, so he rejects her first and pushes her away so she won't force herself to take pity on him and keep forcing herself to love him--and Tohru probably realizes that he's doing it, since she saw it before with Hana. She's determined to go back to Kyou because she's prioritizing her own wants, but I think probably the reason she also looks pissed is because she's realized Kyou's given up on her and she's not gonna let him get away with it.

I think Kyou wishes that he could cling to people, could have clung to his mom and told her not to give up, the way Tohru is clinging to him there. That he could admit that things suck and are scary and painful, but that he wants to keep clinging on regardless and staying together without anyone giving up, the way Tohru is doing right now. Instead of, like everyone else, pretending that shit is fine even though it sucks and it's scary and it's painful and then giving up on the people around him and keeping a distance.

Kyou recognizes what Tohru feels--and that what Tohru feels is sincere--because it's the same feelings he has about his mom. Which is why, even though it sounds a bit like a Saint Mary Sue love-and-acceptance speech, it's a fuck-you that hits Kyou right in the heart and makes Kyou feel accepted and understood for the first time in his life. Not because Tohru is perfect, but because Tohru is flawed and broken and a terrified mess.