#maybe because i said one of them looked like the meekrob

[askselpa]

Do you care about dib

[reptile-ruler]

The Great Assigning

Rapr week day 6: ROLESWAP.

Invaders Red and Purple are assigned their first mission by the delusional Almighty Tallest Zim.

Read on AO3.

The murmuring of the crowd sent flutters through Invader Red’s entire body. From the stage of the main hall on Conventia, the audience looked like a writhing ocean of swarming Irken soldiers. Thousands upon thousands of eyes watching them… and why? This event had come so suddenly, and he, among with his fellow Invader trainees, found themselves about to receive their first mission months before they even graduated.

It wasn’t his place to ask questions. The Almighty Tallest worked in mysterious ways. 

“Did you see the curly fries they had at the cafeteria?” Purple leaned in to ask, “I hope the Assigning goes fast because those fries smelled delicious.”

Maybe all the attention from the bustling crowd had dampened his appetite, or maybe it was just the nerves, but he couldn’t imagine wanting curly fries right at this moment. “We’re about to be assigned the mission of our lifetime, and you’re thinking about food?”

“Every moment without fries in my mouth is a moment lost, Red!”

He didn’t get much of a chance to argue, because at that moment the Announcer announced the arrival of the Almighty Tallest. They both straightened back into attention. All Invaders, and the crowd behind them, wiggled their antennae as pillars of flame exploded upwards, reaching the high ceiling, the heat feeling like a punch to Red’s cheeks.

A loud, grating laughter filled the hall long before he caught a glimpse of the Tallest. It originated from a platform descending from the ceiling and there he was. His armor was the same shade of pink as the Invader uniform (a signal of the empire he dreamed to build, perhaps, or maybe it just matched his eyes?) and both arms raised, his face split by the eye-crinkling grin that he carried.

“I think the flamethrowers are a bit much”, Purple whispered.

The Almighty Tallest overall was... a bit much. But they didn’t get to have an opinion about that. “Shush!”

“Just sayin’.”

Red shushed again, more violently, just as the platform reached the ground. The Tallest, of course, didn’t, floating in place high above his subjects. As he should, being the All-knowing and All-powerful, Almighty Tallest.

“My Invaders!” he spoke. “We finally meet. Be amazed by my tallness!”

They stood taught under his gaze as it wandered between them. Being the Elite of the Elite was one thing, but none of them were as superior as the Almighty Tallest. Not even Purple or he, who towered over their peers and were the Best of the Elite of the Elite. The Tallest wore a satisfied smirk, as though what he saw was to his liking. Red really hoped so–he’d worked his entire life to get here!

“As you may know you’re all here to be assigned your first enemy planet”, the Tallest said. That much was obvious. They were Invaders, it was their job! Or… should be, if they had finished training. “This shall mark the first step of Operation Impending Doom Two! My most brilliant plan yet! HAHAHAHA-”

Impending Doom… Two? Red had never heard of an Impending Doom One.

Purple must have had the same thought, because he couldn’t stop himself from blurting, “What happened to the first one?”

“Oh, I had to cancel Operation Impending Doom One”, the Tallest waved his hand around. “The Invaders weren’t good enough. Bunch of old squeedgers to the blarbsnortch, yup. Lame. They died from just one stomp with my Megadoomer.”

“What?” Red said, and immediately realized his mistake. 

“I had to stomp ‘em!” his Tallest said, looking more annoyed than anything. “Not good enough! But you… yes, you will not disappoint your Tallest Zim, will you?” A grin, one which made Red feel like he was prey being stared at by a predator, spread across his Tallest’s face. “No, you will not. I won’t allow it!”

Red glanced to his side to see how his co-Invaders reacted to this. He saw Purple’s throat bob as he swallowed, but even he seemed threatened enough to keep his big mouth shut. Of course, it wasn’t their place to question the Almighty Tallest, but…

He’d decided to personally kill the previous batch of Invaders. The world spun as Red searched his mind for reasons that they could have been dispatched. They couldn’t have been that much worse than the class currently standing on the stage of the Main Hall. In fact, those guys had actually graduated! 

While Red’s entire class had suddenly been rushed out of school to attend this Assigning… filling up the vacant slots. It all started to make sense now. 

The screen behind the Tallest lit up into a map, showing all known constellations and planets which were inhabitable or inhabited. Red recognized it immediately–he’d studied it every resting cycle for weeks to try to memorize which planets were marked for conquest and which ones weren’t. That was a test he was happy to not have to take. 

“THIS is how the Assigning is going to work!” the Tallest exclaimed. A table rose from the floor, and he picked up a small object from it. “I am going to throw this dart on the map, and wherever it hits, one of you is sent to conquer. Ingenious, right? Yes, it is, because your brilliant Almighty Tallest came up with it!”

No one argued, but Red could feel the desperation spreading across his classmates. This was ridiculous. 

Purple cleared this throat.

“My Tallest”, he began, head low and voice respectfully quiet, “I don’t mean to disrespect you, but can I ask why?”

A short beat of silence. It was enough for Red's brain to roar up with worst-case scenarios. The kinds of punishments Purple might endure for speaking up. What would he do if the only person he cared for got thrown into the depth of space? 

“Because I think it’ll be neat!” the Tallest grinned.

Purple didn’t press further. The Almighty Tallest’s smile softened for a bit, satisfied at getting his point across. 

“Step forward Invader Larb!”

And so Red watched the Invaders get assigned to enemy planets. Larb could barely hold back tears when he was assigned to Meekrob, despite having studied specifically the skills necessary to Invade Blorch or Vort. Skoodge was assigned to a sun, and when he pointed out that suns couldn’t really be invaded, the Tallest kicked him off the stage and laughed. Invader Tenn took it in stride when the dart landed on a planet that they actually had a peace treaty with. 

“Invader Purple!”

“Hoo boy”, Purple sighed as he stepped forward, leaving Red alone as the last unassigned Invader. 

The Tallest picked up a fittingly purple colored dart and inspected it, as though the dart itself held all the knowledge of the universe. Then he looked down at Purple and ficked it away. Not even looking at the map.

The dart hit the furthermost corner of the screen. Nothing existed even in the vicinity of that area. Purple stared at it. 

“There’s nothing there, my Tallest”, he said.

“Hm?” Zim looked over. “Oh, right. Well! Go there and conquer the nothing!”

“... How, sir?”

“Eh? Not my problem!”

Red felt nothing but sympathy as Purple nodded and stepped back. So it was his turn. His Tallest called for him and he stepped forward. Up close the height difference felt much more pronounced. He craned his neck upwards to salute, and forced himself to not avert his eyes as his Tallest judged him, looked him up and down like a megadonut on display at Plumpin’ Donuts on Foodcourtia. 

The Tallest reached for the table, but paused. “What? Where is my last dart?”

The table was empty, all darts apparently used, wedged into the digital map and no doubt ruining the screen. 

“Hey! Who planned this?” The Tallest looked around as though one of them were to blame. “Someone miscalculated how many darts I would need!”

The Invaders all shuffled. No one dared to answer, and, of course, none of them had been involved in counting enough darts anyway. 

The Almighty Tallest huffed. “Ugh. Useless. No matter! You!” He pointed at Red. ”Just go with the previous guy. Duo-mission. Yes. Crisis solved. By ZIM!”

Red blinked. Oh. He’d get to go with Purple. “Yes, my Tallest.” Before this Assigning, that would have felt wrong, but all things considered… it could have been worse. 

He could have been told to conquer a sun. 

His gaze wandered to the purple dart, placed right in a spot of dead space, with nothing for lightyears around it. At least he wouldn’t be alone. 

The Almighty Tallest concluded the Assigning with a few inspirational (or maybe delusional) words to the Invaders, and then to the soldiers in the audience. They were dismissed, and Red hurried up to Purple’s side as they walked straight to the curly fries stand.

“What a shipwreck!” Purple said. For once Red didn’t scold him for the borderline critique of their Tallest’s decisions. He just hummed.

Faced with the prospect of having to travel to the corner of known space, allegedly to ‘conquer’ it, while not having had the chance to even properly graduate… Red didn’t want to think about it. Hopefully the guy who sold fries sold drinks too, because he was going to need it, by Irk. 

Purple’s gloved fingers brushed past him, and he looked up. Ah yeah. That was the only upside, wasn’t it?

He’d have someone by his side.

@almightytallestevents

[elitespacefreak]

*slams fists on table* @fruk-choosing-a-username I mean if ya like Zim being a bartender then I guess I’ll just have to oblige you

Everything is space themed. He absolutely 100% had to find a place that was aaallll space. It makes him feel way more comfortable at work because it gets super stressful.

That being said, the green skin totally sells him. The other bartenders think he has this weird cosplay skin paint thing he does before coming to work. This theory lasts about a week before they’re convinced it’s impossible to keep that up for so long and eventually they’re just like ‘oh yea he’s the resident alien lol’ because space bar. Zim thinks it’s hilarious. ‘yep that’s me, can’t have a space bar without the aliens’

So all the drinks are space themed, right? Well if anyone asks for something personal, like a signature drink, he’s got a handful of shit he could pull. The Meekrob. Plookesian Paradise. Agent Mothman. Space Jackers. The Invader. Sunset on Irk. Sex in Space. Like his own mini menu.

Dib, now drinking age, ofc has to go to the space bar. It’s probably called like The Astro Lounge or some shit, but cheesy or not it’s space, so he has to go. Walks in, sees Zim, points all bug-eyed, and when one of the bartenders tells him ‘oh yeah, lol, he’s the alien haha’ Dib just fuckin loses it. He gets super drunk and just stares angrily at Zim all night trying to tell everyone ‘no, it’s not a gimmick, he’s a real alien!’

Also, Zim doesn’t tolerate bullshit. If he sees someone fuck with someone’s drink, he calls them the fuck out. Loud and clear. “Hey, can I have everyone’s attentions please? Just wanted to let you all know this piece of shit right here just roofied someone’s drink. That is all.” and then immediately makes the victim another drink while taking every opportunity to flip off the offender until security kicks them out. He keeps tabs on troublemakers and points them out as soon as he recognizes them.

I love the idea of shitty karaoke, okay? But also drunk girls trying to get up on his counter dancing and he just fuckin ‘gET YOUR DRUNK ASS OFF MY COUNTER before I sHOOT YOU INTO THE NEXT FUCKING G A L A X Y’

On Halloween he drops the disguise completely and he’s surprised (and horrified) at how many people don’t seem to bat a fuckin eyelash. He can go to work without pretending to be human and it’s such a nice break and genuinely has a good day and also makes extra tips.

But also he realizes how fucked up people are because he literally has girls look him dead ass in the eyes and say ‘maybe it’s because I’m drunk but i dunno ur pretty hot’ and he just turns and leaves and spends his fifteen minute break staring at a wall in abject horror and concern.

Bars and clubs and things are too loud for Gaz for the type of scene, but she has to go once just to know that Dib isn’t fucking with her and she’s so taken aback by it all that she orders like three drinks and sits in a corner to watch in utter fascination. She decides the gig suits Zim because he’s allowed to be loud and flashy and talk with his weird speech patterns without anyone suspecting a thing.

He’s also been banned from playing trivia night because he’s knows way more about space than literally any human. They just let him host instead because sometimes he’s funny and people really dig the resident alien gimmick.

tl;dr bartender Zim is my new jam