#maybe half of the reason i'm “smart” is my elementary+middle school. maybe we were an annomaly

[existencebringsonlypain]

I don't know if my elementary and middle school education was just leagues above some other schools or what, but sometimes I'm amazed at how much basic knowledge high-schoolers don't know

[okamikami1996]

Chapter Three- Disabilities and School

I'm going to say two words and almost all of you will probably not even need to read this chapter: Middle School. Let me say two more that will probably have half of you running for cover: Girl Drama. One word: hormones. Last word: disability. I'm pretty sure most of you already know what I'm getting at: my failed middle school career.

My family may have had a little-- or maybe a lot-- of trauma from the response to my 504 plan in elementary school, to the point where we didn't even try in middle school. We were too afraid of disappointment. So we shut up and allowed ourselves to suffer in silence. My school placed me in algebra. If you've read chapter two and how I have dyslexia, I'm pretty sure you already know that math was not going to be my favorite subject. My first year of middle school I flunked my math class. God awful. Math became not only my worst subject, but my least favorite subject. It also became another thing that was wrong with me. My ego was the equivalent of an egg that had been dropped, had cracks, but had somehow managed to retain its ovular shape. My math teacher saw I was trying-- and God knows I was, lunch periods, asking questions, getting tutoring, trying to get seating that was away from chatterboxes, asking for more information-- he gave me a C, instead of the D that my grade most certainly was. My mom had me retake the year. Guess what? I got an A. Weirdly, it didn't give me that "Oh, I actually am smart feel", instead I felt like I just got lucky. Self worth was almost a zero. I wanted people to accept me as I was, but it isn't that easy. I should have understood that, but I think I was desperate for someone to like me despite having four disabilities: I told people that I was ADD, I told them I was bipolar, I told them I took medication. It didn't go well. I still had friends, thank god. However, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure how healthy some of the relationships were. Two of my friends thought I was an attention hog. Can't blame them, how many disabilities did I have? How hard was it to have them? How many boys bullied me? To them, I probably was fishing for attention. It's kind of like Trump says: "There's no such thing as bad publicity". Maybe that's what they thought I was doing?

I had another friend who argued with me about whether it's sadder to get a puppy and watch it get sick and die, or have a dog your whole life and have it die. How many times did I tell her that I thought both were sad? I also had a super amazing friend who stayed with me from the 5th grade. She was literally my saving grace up until high school when we went to different schools. Middle school was mainly a development of extreme depression that was kept hidden by my friend group. In all honesty, I was lucky to have a friend group at all with how disabilities and taking medication was seen at the time.

I was taking 90 mgs of Abilify (no idea if that is how it is spelled) and 900 mgs of Seriquiel (no idea if that is how this is spelled either). For any of you who don't know: these are dangerous amounts of drugs to take. Like really, really dangerous, and my doctors probably should have lost their licenses. The reason behind my taking so much drugs was simple: if 60 mgs don't work increase it to 90 mgs. Yeah. According to them this was the only drug to treat bipolar disorder we HADN'T tried.

High school was absolute hell. My friends all went to the other high school, and I went to the new charter school. Fun, right? I had learned more or less what a shit idea it was to announce that I had disabilities. Well, just being depressed for now reason was no better. Or not being able to hear people. Let me be straight, Da Vinci Charter Academy was a school that valued group projects. We had no choice but to talk to each other and communicate. Everyone at the small community school thought I was just being difficult. That I was faking not being able to hear. After a few failed attempts at taking direction for my peers I was cut out, even if I asked for them to write it down.

"Nevermind." That is all I got back. Finally, I closed myself off. Completely from everyone at school. I'm pretty sure high school was also when I began to hide away in my room all the time. I began to see kitchen knives and stand in front of them for ten minutes just trying to get myself to kill myself and be done with it. I had an impulse I could not control where I would blurt out, "I hate myself and I deserve to die". I almost blurted it out in the middle of a lecture more times than I can count. There would be times where I was actually happy and laughing with my family where I would all of a sudden just say, "I hate myself and I deserve to die". I ruined a lot of happy moments with that. It was an impulse that I could not control. I couldn't go to therapy, my first and last therapist, Susan, was a mistake my family could not afford to repeat. So we just followed what the doctors said and added more drugs. I was numb to almost everything but my own pain. I didn't trust people, I couldn't take compliments. There was a boy who tried to hang out with me, but I told him to just leave me alone because he was friends with the boys who hated me. Imagine walking up to a table or being invited by another girl and have the group stop talking when you came to sit down. Imagine trying to join the conversation that started back up and have everyone just be silent. Imagine having people tell you to just "go the fuck away" when you came to talk to them. By year two, I didn't speak to anyone unless I had to. I had to constantly remind myself that my classmates were not to be trusted.

I had a teacher named Mr. Milsap who was pretty nice to me. We had moments of awkward silence when I answered questions, but I really liked his class. Loved it. I surprisingly don't remember very well when I got my 504 plan reinstated. I should, but I don't. I know it had to be in the second year of high school, when I was so depressed and miserable at school that I was literally barricading myself in my room so I didn't have to go to school, that my mom had enough. She thought that the kids would at least stop leaving me out of conversations if they knew I had a hearing disability. I was against it, at first. Terrified of what would happen if everyone knew I had a disability. We held a meeting. I had to sit and listen to teachers compliment me on my strengths. That was torture. I had a physical aversion to being complimented, like I needed to leave the room right away if someone did. It was painful to be complimented. I remember my teacher Maestra Rameriez was the teacher who I owed the most to. She was a woman who never treated me inferior to other students despite my butchering of the Spanish language in class and my endless need to repeat things. She was the most accepting of my 504 plan. If she ever reads this, and knows who I am: thank you so much, you have no idea how much you meant to me in school.

Mr. Milsap was not. In fact, he argued against it the whole time. I remember nothing after the first part of the meeting when the teachers all went around the table and complimented me. I do remember almost word for word the conversation afterward where my mother spoke to me about her less than spectacular impression of Mr. Milsap. I only know that he was the only person to argue against my 504 plan through her retelling. I don't think I actually remembered even as we drove home that day. After that, my time in his class became terrible. God awful. He would often yell at me randomly in my TA class with him. Then, there was that project. We were told to give a presentation on how someone had discriminated against us. I used my hearing disability. I had been given hope, finally. It was true, the kids no longer left me out of conversations now that I had a 504 plan. I thought maybe this would further turn the tables. At least twice a week I took the project into Mr. Milsap until he told me I was sure to get an A. Full credit. I got I C. Why? According to him, I went five minutes over the time limit. Two grades lower because I went over the time limit?

That may have been it for me for a while. I didn't talk anymore in that class, or not as much as I had been. My ego had been shot again. I was still majorly depressed. I could tell you good things about people who constantly bullied me or spoke rudely to me, I don't think I could have told you one good thing about myself. I was a wreck. I was constantly fighting with my mother, a few times I almost ran away from home during my nightly dog walks. I lived for the most part like I was dead. I graduated high school went to a community college, and got hit with something much, much worse: rheumatoid arthritis.

[sunspira]

I CANT shake like wariness and frustration and confusion about the argument that "it's not other user's responsibility to protect kids. parents need to monitor their kids online activity" like if you see yourself as a good person you do have SOME duty to avoid doing harm and look out for children online who you happen to directly encounter. but more to the point god parents monitoring their kids online is SUUCH a miserable option like that would have made me so upset and sad and uncomfortable. i feel like it was part of my preteen life and coming of age to have a little online independent life in middle school and early high school. we did have the computer in the family living room so like is THAT what people mean by the level of monitoring. like very passively that works well because of the natural accountability to not go on the worlds most fucked up websites when your mom is in the next room but . checking their search history feels like reading their diary very wrong breach of privacy and trust idk about that

(but there's the truth in the spirit of that comment that it's still a public space and you don't have to carry yourself and censor yourself like you're in a school setting just cause kids might be around. i think the freedom to have fun and just do and say whatever like you would around other adult friends is part of the point of being on here and why being online is appealing in the first place. but yea people made good points that in an open forum about a children's show you probably should carry yourself pg-13 knowing some really young ones are all around that just feels natural to me. one time i joined an avatar the last air bender discord and we made a grown up zone for that reason because half the users were new fans and teens and half were og fans and like 25. like we can all hang out in the main zone but there's adult only channels to just be whatever and not have to think about it. maybe because ive mainly worked in schools and in childcare and would substitute teach and sometimes babysit kids in middle and high school but realizing "oh christ youre young enough to be my STUDENT:C like someone i TAKE CARE OF and tell what to do all day" is a bit disturbing and made me actually unfollow some younger users at the time which i still really don't follow teens anymore period it's too strange like with my position in society i don't wanna know you like that.

this doesn't conclude in anything it's more of a stream of consciousness. except that i do try to be a human being online and im not detached from society enough to be like NOTHING MATTERS LOLOL TRIAL BY FIRE KIDS i also hate the argument that parents need to be on top of their kids online activity it is hard for me to imagine that in practice but it's partially because i didn't have internet access when i was in elementary school where that might be appropriate and didn't have a smart phone or laptop until college so i come from a different world than most young adults saying that stuff but ALSO it's kinda fucked that kids who don't have anyone in their life advocating for them or involved with them , usually the same unattended kids who's parents are either really caring but struggling and always working or even in some cases it's kids who have cold or neglectful adults in their life and they're just getting screwed over even more by bad environments online like there's no clear solution here because people can be so puritanical and that's the worst too but it's so easy and dismissive to be like WELL WHERES THE PARENTS THIS WHOLE TIME. dude idk i'm not sure if that's even the point

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Takin a break for the first time in a while

It feels weird to be saying that again. It's been prolly.. 2ish months since I've cared how much I take. Let alone not having any at all lmao. I didn't forget that I'm mean to explain myself and I have been working on a draft for that.. tho it wont be posted for a little while.

tldr: temp break for a week. possibly still dosing but much lower and only taken where needed to prevent adverse effects to not get in the way of a massive project I'll be working on. At most probably 2-3 for the week vs 1-3 a day. No posts of any kind til at least the 14th. Even if I dose, no documenting as I'll strictly be sleeping and working to have any possibility of get this shit done in time

Reason being R's birthday is coming up. She's been in a slump since her breakup. Course I mean. Losing someone that you had that much history plans with is awful. Even if it was only a year. I couldn't imagine how she feels rn. Whiich is why I'm bothering to do all this..

I promised I'd make her some bracelets months ago since it's a longtime hobby of mine. Been making rubber band bracelets since middle school. Wayyy past the rainbow loom craze tho.. smh. I still get so salty about that. COULD YOU IMAGINE THE MONEY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ME COULDA MADE??? Even if I only knew half the patterns I knew now I woulda made BANK bruh.. but nah. 5 years after the fact I finally learn it

Then during quarantine I picked up friendship bracelets and kandi, with friendship bracelets being my preferred type. Made sooooo many... only to never wear em. I never wore any of my bracelets if I'm being real. It's so backwards

Ah but anyway. Yeah. I'm gonna give her pretty much all of the bracelets that're worth a damn and I have probably... 40ish patterns saved on top of that

....and like 10 keychains.....

Kinda overboard I know. I was originally content with just sending all the bracelets I've made through this year with a few extra but.. then i went and caught the fr feels (the actual term for that feels cheesy 🙃) so didn't feel like it was enough for her. So I started casually making a list of shit I wanted to make which got massive sooooo quickly

Thennn shit happened and my progress pretty much halted. During the time we were on the phone all the time I made a good 20% of my list which was pretty good for 2ish months of heavily interrupted work so I thought I'd have this all done wayyy before her birthday

Did not expect half the shit that went on in the time since.

I've BARELY made progress since. I've maybe made... 5 bracelets in the time since. I get kinda cold/shaky when I'm high + a good majority of the time I'm either salty/crying/thinking up a storm or dancing around my room/listening to music/playing a game tryna act like dph is pink dopamine. Basically, I'm not too productive when I'm gone. HA ofc unless I want the shit when I'm doing something I need to be productive for. Then I'll bullshit til I get some..

Tangent mb mb. Two other things happened. Uh one I just realized I misremembered her birthday. It is in fact NOT the 28th as I thought it was.. it's the 18th. Only recently checked and saw so that was fun. Then she got broken up with and went pretty much silent ever since. I think we were otp damn near everyday before we went to bed during that period of them being together but not speaking. Then like 2-3 days after her partner left she said the whole I don't know if you can help shit so I haven't really talked to her since. I tried checking in one other time but it was still pretty obvious she didn't really wanna talk so I've been giving her her space. I know it'd probably be the smart/right thing to keep reaching out even if it'd annoy her but she'll turn off notifs in a heartbeat. i think she only recently turned em back on actually I asked her about something and it didn't take hours.. its a pathetic that is something I'm genuinely happy about..

Ah but yeah us not really talking plus her being so sad is kinda pushing me to make her present as grandiose as I can. She's not that sort of person anyway I'm sure even if I made her one she'd wear that shit til it fucking disintegrates but I'm hoping a bigger selection will make her feel less obligated to do all that. Plus I wanna show her that friendships/relationships shouldn't be so transactional you know? It'd be hella easy for me to just send the few I've already made and just say fuck it. We aren't talking rn and I didn't get a gift. I didn't even get a happy birthday period til the next day off of some fight with her and her partner that had her crying and sulking the day away. But even with that, she's a good friend to me period. I don't need her to be there for me every single time for her to reap the rewards from that. It sounds kinda stupid just saying it. Ah yes, you've sat there and helped me plenty of rough times and have made a strong friendship with me even with me CONSTANTLY trying to push you away but you forgot my birthday and been quiet for the last week so therefore fuck your present. Like ?? stupid. I'm sure she's gonna see it that way though smh. I'm already writting a gentle stfu letter to put in there so she'll hopefully ease up on herself a bit

Ah anyway. Long story short I can't risk the nonsense of benadryl rn. Shit makes getting out of bed hella hard and I can't have anything effecting my hands as I gotta to be able to make knots quick quick if I have any chance of getting the entire list done. So unless some life shit happens, I'm going 110% on that. Ideally, as little sleep as needed to not make too many mistakes as its a hassle to untie. I would say no sleep but I'm sure a week of that aint possible so I'm aiming for 2 hours a day. 30 mins of naps when needed though I really need to have it all right the first time to not waste time. It takes me a good minute or 2 to untie a single wrong knot so it's not even worth. The time I waste sleeping'll pay for itself in accuracy.

I'm assuming this all means no dph til at least next week. Works out honestly I'm running low on pills anyway. That's been weird to think on. I calculated it all out and it's kinda shocking. It's the most real feeling evidence of my addiction. If I were taking the proper dose, I could take it every single day and it'd still last roughly 3 years. I've only had mine since Feb 23rd and I have probably 100ish pills left. Shit honestly felt unlimited for a while..

Well, ig if the week goes to plan I'd be killing two birds with one stone, tho i doubt. If I have any issues with nightmares, I'm taking some no questions asked. I never get the hallucinations benadryl is so infamous for but when I'm withdrawing bad enough allll that horrible shit gets crammed in my dreams. God.. I remember the first few I like they happened recently. Had one where an end of the world paradise suddenly went dire and everyone just started killing themselves to save themselves from dying of starvation/thirst and I had to listen to every single sound from that. Another where I was accidentally drugged tryna help a friend and spent the entire dream running while going in and out of consciousness which made getting back to their house/evading the police terrifying. Most recently I had to help/defend a family with various deformities while trying to hold it together to not make them feel like I was upset because of their looks when in reality it was from having to scream and yell at people gawking at the kids I was helping. That and having about 40 people to take care of and it all being sprung on me out of nowhere. Which after was said and done took a seemingly casual turn to a free dinner in the lobby with the rest apartments residents being in there. I naively sat and picked something I knew would be good not thinking anything of it, only for the random people I sat with all being replaced with these older women yelling at me for picking so casually. Ah then all grabbed me and forced me to watch my dad cut some dude's head off with these giant shears. Ah. That was the first time I've actually cried in my sleep. Well... ish I clearly was sobbing from the way my face/chest was feeling but none of the tears. Shit I almost fell out of bed. I was pulling back trying to turn my head away from the whole beheading but they were all holding me in place. So ig I was doing that as I slept too. Woulda been.. not fun to say the least. I have concrete floors as my room is the basement sooooo I'm sure my fatass full deadweighting onto the floor would prolly cause a few issues lmfao

ah god sorry sorry I did not mean to go that in depth. That is genuinely the only thing that keeps me dosing some days. I've gotten used to a lot of the various withdrawal effects but nightmares + heart pain are really the only things that actually bother me nowadays. I was only going to do a brief retelling to emphasize why it's such a non-option for me but I got carried away.

anyway. temporary goodbye for now. i wont be posting so i can focus on her present. dont know if i also mentioned it but im also using paper stars/flowers/hearts as the like.. gift paper shit. like the thin strands you'd put in a gift bag so you can't immediately see everything inside? yep. uh. had the bright idea of filling that with little mini origami... dont know why th I would as that shit is literally worthless in the way I'm using it but... I already bought the paper and I have all the tutorials bookmarked... 🙃

i must be a special breed of stupid honestly.. within the week I'm supposedly making 50 bracelets/keychains of varying sizes/patterns/difficulties + learning how to do origami so I can fill a fucking box. we'll see how that goes lmao