#maybe i'm naive. i don't know. i just want to hold unto hope even if.. so much is really hopeless bcs
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ahh i'm so tired sorry i haven't been really active lately but i promise i'll fix all these stuff up n be well for the new year soon
#馃寵.vents#i'll just ramble for a but ig. i can't.. let myself go to anyone at all for stuff like this but it hurts more when i keep it all to myself#oh wait good morning i guess i got around 9 hours of sleep huh#lovely going to sleep n waking up w tears in my eyes yeah absolutely Great#the future i want is. unrealistic i suppose#god i hate being pessimistic i prefer holding unto hope n i truly know better than all these burdens but#it hurts. all this pressure n then it just feels so lonely. i don't know if i belong in this world#every now n then when i just think of.. stuff my heart feels like it's being sharply stabbed with cold n then suffocated a bit#n then i'm crying even more as the whole emotion overwhelms me everywhere#but i suppose it's better this way. i'll hide this part of myself from the rest of the world n heal on my own#perhaps it's stupid of me to think i could do that on my own but i'm just so tired i might as well do it on my own now#it feels like everything is falling apart. wishes dreams hopes. every word forgotten#n.. i know it's not entirely this way but fuck it feels like it's all my fault for messing everything up#my mind is in a dilemma n it's like i'm just constantly fighting w myself inside#it's so draining#but i have a reality to face so i'll just. i'm sorry i'll bury it#i'm sorry to the words i used to write to myself then. i don't want to let them go but i suppose they were too 'naive' for this world#i don't have anymore energy to reach out. ffs i just want to be better n do better but i'm so tired#i don't want to forsake my younger self but.. i'm sorry maybe i'll just live out all this in my head instead. as i used to do#i have a lot to do dw i'll get up n face them#it hurts. i don't want to hurt myself but i can't be productive like this n#the other better way is. not for someone like me yk i don'r have much friends i'm too shy but all of them have closer friends n#apollo deserves more my family deserves more than me i'm sorry i just want to be myself but maybe that's not needed at all in this world#i'm not enough so i might as well go along this path. i know it won't make stuff better but. it fucking hurts i'm sorry#that sounds so sinister without the rest of the context dw i'm not gna do anything too extreme but. i have to be well enough to live in this#world. yeah.#i'm. oh my god this hurts bcs i know better i really do but these thoughts just persist n it hurts so much. it hurts so much#i don't want to lose myself to these negative thoughts bcs i rlly know better but god it hurts it hurts#i'm afraid bcs if i.. hide properly or wtvr i know i can be good enough to. idk pretend cleanly that i'm fine n destroy all the progress#i've built. but i don't want to lose myself. i know better but i'm stuck in my head n it hurts so much i'm sorry
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aghh i'll be fine
#馃寵.reblogs#my energy's like gone rn to like. idk do more but#like i can do what i have to i guess i'll message my friends later abt the fair n all but rn i'm just so#tumblr's my safe space you see? i don't have to push myself. in this empty space of the internet.. of something i cannot touch or feel#literally at least is just. ironically comforting to me. so i'll take my time here. i'm fine here.#i'm too tired rn but.. yh idk if you'll see this but i do see everything in my notifs n thank you :c#the more i learn the more i understand the more i live n the more i just. yeah. live more n more#it's not all bad.. i know better. i know better than my despair. but but i understand so much that. it just. it just hurts. it's too much.#it's.. too much to put into words but i know that i. i don't belong in this sort of world#i just want to cry freely. i just want time to stop even for just a minute or so.#i think i'm lonely. i have family n friends but#this barrier. i think this stupid barrier just hurts so much it hurts so much n rn i feel like crying again but i can't. i really shouldn't#not now. yk at least tmrrw i'll just stay at home but then school again on monday.. i'm so tired#it's overwhelming bcs it's not just. this. my own pain. it.. probably doesn't seem like it but#i think i understand apollo so well. i'm not very obvious abt it but i really do#n then the rest of my friends too i can just. tell when i'm around them what they're struggling with.#i do know how to read people well after all. i observe n watch all my life#being insatiable hurts huh? i want to learn so much i want to understand more i want to accomplish more than i can#maybe i'm naive. i don't know. i just want to hold unto hope even if.. so much is really hopeless bcs#we've all gone this far haven't we? we've evolved so much n the. the universe is in constant motion#n despite how fleeting life is.. yeah all that tgther is comforting n distressing. simultaneously. n it's overwhelming.#n maybe.. i too cld make it past this. many like me have n many haven't. wish i cld be one of the ones to live on. n i cld#i cld help others too. as much as i can. to make this world better. is it naive to want to do good? to love the beauty in this world?#to accept myself as human n yearn for what we all deserve. we're all human. n.. it's hard i know how hard it is to live n#that's why i want to help so much but i wish i had smth like me too yk?if i stopped hesitating if i wasn't afraid if i could just#it hurts its so overwhelming thinking of how everyone's human too. n i understand myself. so i understand others more too n#i really don't know how to write it but it's just so overwhelming#it just. exists all at once. i can't stop feeling like this but i know better but i can't.. i can't. i just can't. i feel so helpless#i felt like thhis so much yesterday too i cldn't do more n it hurt so much seeing n noticing so much but i was so fucking helpless#i'm sorry. i'm so sorry
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just thinking abt ffxvi ><
#tag later#saw some tweets yh n#'for those who have grown up and realized that reality isn't kind to you' bro i'll cry#i grew up basically w ff so. the stories r very special n personal to me#ff's my childhood. a substantial part of my youth#it inspired much of my creativity n revived it when i was falling apart#a reminder a mirror a shadow#fate. ffxvi has stuff on fate right?#fire. god i love themes like this so much#i can't even write as much as i want to abt it rn it rlly just. means a lot to me#can i ramble a bit#growing up n even now i've always been a dreamer. always dreaming n imagining of other worlds n scenarios n ppl that will never exist#wishing always living in my lil head. maybe a lil too idealistic at times. maybe naive even#but i held unto that. despite all the pain i've known i hold unto love. for myself for others for life as a whole. hope. always there#final fantasy has saved me esp in times in my life where i felt like i'm losing sight of that n myself#w even just music at times or its story n the characters. or the games itself; whether it be 15 or 7 or 9 or the others i haven't played ye#14 especially.. even just playing the game itself means a lot to me. playing w others. my friends.#thinking abt times in my past where i never thought i'd have this n i'd just. dream n imagine. or times where that wld make me cry#but now. earlier this year i managed to connect more of my fiction w reality n bring it to my friends hehe#esp uh i don't want to ramble too much abt it here bcs they cld see this but i don't think they know just how much. it meant to me#bcs a few months back before we met i remember just being stuck in fiction a bit. n then. look. at all the things that Have become reality#it's rlly personal tho in general n there's sm i can't say here bcs there's still a border to my honesty n openness n there's sm i'll never#say at all or even show any sign of but STILL all of these fr ^^#hfdlkfjadslfk ff 馃ズ馃馃徏 T_T
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