#me at 8:30 dragging myself out of bed and to the coffee maker

[lovemesomesurveys]

survey by chihuahua 1~ What quality do you value most highly in others? I really admire driven, ambitious, motivated, passionate people. Go-getter type people. Hardworking people. 

2~ Are you more aggressive or mellow? I’m definitely not aggressive, but I’m not mellow either. I was more so when I was younger and even just a few years ago, but these past few years have been especially rough and I just feel so...hardened? I’m so moody and easily irritated and frustrated and just not very pleasant. :/

3~ Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? My mom, most definitely. 

4~ Do you take any vitamins or medication? I take pain medication. I’m supposed to take a few vitamins, but for some reason I don’t take them. 

5~ Do you want to grow old with someone? I mean, yes. 

7~ What sound is annoying you right now? Nothing at the moment; I’m listening to an ASMR video.

8~ Where was your last vacation to? Disneyland back in February before shit hit the fan. It’ll forever trip me out how much changed shortly after that. Everything changed and it all happened so fast. I can’t believe we’re approaching the end of the year soon... this time last year we had no idea what was soon to come. 

9~ Where was your last car ride to? To my doctor appointment and then with my brother to run an errand and grab some food before heading back home.

10~ Where did you last walk to? Well, technically, nowhere. Paraplegic here. ha. But anyway, uhh a few hours ago I went to the kitchen to make ramen and then back to my room in bed.

11~ What gives you a peaceful feeling? Being at the beach near the ocean, watching and listening to the waves crash in and out and feeling the cool ocean breeze. I just zone out.

12~ Are you a light sleeper? Ugh, yes.

13~ When you sleep next to someone who usually falls asleep first? They do.

14~ How many people have a piece of your heart? All my family, including my doggos.

15~ What do your salt and pepper shakers look like? We don’t even have any anymore, we just keep them in their containers that they come in at the store.

16~ When was the last time you hurt yourself? *shrug*

17~ Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? Perhaps the suburbs. 

18~ Have you ever built something? Simple things; stuff like Ikea end tables and shelves.  

19~ Are you more of a maker and giver, or a taker and user? Not a maker, but a giver. 

20~ Do you take naps? Yeah.

21~ Do you buy holiday gifts early or at the last minute? I start in November.

22~ Do you laugh when there is no joke and dance when there is no music? I might bob my head or something along if I’m singing a song to myself.

23~ If someone else were to describe you what would you hope they would say? Blah, I don’t know. 

24~ What is the dirtiest habit you can think of? Uhhh.

25~ Do you ever need ‘quiet time’? Absolutely. I need my me time. Usually, that’s at nighttime when everyone else is asleep and I’m just in my room with the door closed doing my own thing, such as catching up on YouTube videos, watching/listening to ASMR, scrolling through Tumblr, and doing surveys. I have that time when I get up, too, cause it takes me forever waking up and finally dragging myself outta bed. I lie there checking my social medias and watching TV, sometimes read for a bit.

26~ Do you think it is harder for a parent to outlive their child or for th I’m going to assume the rest was supposed to say, “or for the child to outlive their parent?” Uh, I mean obviously the natural way of things is for the child to outlive the parent, but of course that doesn’t always happen. 

27~ What was your best find from a flea market, garage sale, ebay or thrift? I don’t go to flea markets, garage sales, or thrift stores, but on eBay I’ve bought a few electronic thing for good prices.

28~ What is one selfish thing you tend to do? I feel like I’ve been quite selfish these past few years. :/ I pushed everyone away and completely ghosted them and it was for nothing they did at all. I’m just a mess. I also feel like such a burden and annoyance, but oh someone asks me to do something, not even a big thing, and I don’t feel like doing it. I usually end up doing it, but I feel irritated about it and it’s ridiculous. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own head and problems and I just feel like I haven’t been there for others like I could and should be.

29~ What kinds of people do you find intimidating? Serious people. Intelligent people. People of authority.

30~ Out of everyone you know who has the most unique personality? My brother.

31~ When do you do your best thinking? My mind always feels so jumbled. Doing surveys can sometimes help sort out my thoughts, though.

32~ What was a choice that you didn’t want to make but you had to? There’s been many of those.

33~ Have you ever written a letter to a soldier? No.

34~ What does your favorite coffee mug look like? It’s a Peter Pan one that has Peter and the gang on it. It’s blue on the outside and yellow on the inside.

35~ What age do you think it is most difficult to be? I don’t think it’s fair to compare. Everyone goes through their own set of struggles no matter what age they are. <--  <<<

36~ Do you think you could handle a day in jail? I would probably survive, but it certainly wouldn’t be easy. I feel like I’d be a complete mess even if I had to spend just a day in jail and that it would feel like the longest day ever. I would certainly have a hard time.  37~ Who is the most overbearing person you know? We have a family friend like that.

38~ Have you ever been on a trampoline? No.

39~ What do you use batteries for the most often? Not much it seems. The last time I used batteries was for my mist fan during the summer.

40~ Would you prefer to wrap your own presents or have them all gift wrapped? I like wrapping them myself. I need to get started on that...

[carousels-on-fire]

The more I remember things from my childhood the more I realize my parents are really truly awful people. I’m really surprised I don’t have more serious health problems. I didn’t piece this together until a little while ago, but my parents basically stopped trying to get me to eat things at like age...10 or 11. I remember being brought to the doctors and they said I was fine eating nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It was the only thing besides cereal I would actually eat. And that went on for years. I didn’t start eating different things until college, and they never tried to figure out why. I always felt like I was gagging eating anything but a small list of foods.  I remember always being hungry as a kid even though we had food in the house. Like one time I ate 3 or 4 bowls of cereal in one sitting because I wanted to actually feel full. But it just ended up hurting my stomach. I was left alone a lot. Not like they weren’t there, but we lived in a huge Victorian house and my parents spent more of their time upstairs when they weren’t at work. Like...you’d think the ‘not feeding your child because they’re being difficult’ would be some sort of parental neglect. Like they did pack me lunches, but it was the same thing. Relatives of ours always commented that if I were their child I’d eat different things. I’m disappointed that no one ever thought to look into psychological reasons and not just my own stubbornness. (Although, I have an abundance of that, so who knows. Maybe it was my fault.) There was also an incident at age 9 or so where, up until that point I was used to my father making breakfast for me. And that particular morning I remember him screaming at me how he didn’t have time to make me breakfast, like I was an inconvenience to him. And that him making me breakfast would make him late for work. Like what does a 9yr old know about work or schedules? It’s your job as an adult to take care of this shit, but it was blamed on me. Like sure a 9yr old can probably prepare a really simple meal, but you’d think that’s something you teach rather than something you suddenly fly off the handle about one morning. But he told me if I wanted a breakfast more complex than cereal I’d have to mix the ingredients myself. (He used to make pancakes for me for breakfast some mornings, I wasn’t really aware that this was a difficult thing, or not an everyday thing, but I just remember asking and getting screamed at. He went into a rage.) But I remember thinking “Ok fine, I’ll make pancake mix.” So 9yr old me got out the measuring cups and spoons and tried very very hard to follow directions. But I think I ended up doing something like putting in a tablespoon of salt when it called for a teaspoon and it turned out terrible. But I ended up getting screamed at in another rage for making noise in the kitchen because my father’s room was right above it. It was about 8 or 9 at night, but...again, I was a child. I remember a year or so later I started putting on weight. So my parents started replacing my breakfasts with slim fast shakes. But they felt bad only giving me that so they’d give me that plus slim fast, accidentally making me put on more weight. I remember a little while after that I was trying very hard to diet and avoid things with sugar in them. But I didn’t know much about meal preparation so I ended up starving myself in another way. I did a lot of work out videos around that time too. This was pretty much my start with body image issues. In another incident around the same age, about 9 to11, I remember being dragged out of my bed while being screamed at and hit at about 8am because I didn’t make up the coffee pot for my father. He’d come down early, and just turn the stovetop coffee maker on, expecting it to have coffee and water in it already. And I’d forgotten to do it and it was apparently dangerous to have an empty coffee pot going on the stove. You’d think it wouldn’t be a child’s job to be up early to do this. But it was. Much of my father’s parenting style was to explain something gently once, and if I didn’t remember to fly the fuck off the handle and scream and take all of his rage out on me. He also once dragged me out of bed while hitting me in the head because I didn’t brush my teeth. They varied this parenting style with spending a lot of money on gifts, things that would make them seem like good parents to other people. Although I wonder if, for all of my stubbornness, which was worse as a child, brought on a lot of it. I’m not entirely sure. I just remember them being thoroughly unpleasant people and me left wondering why I didn’t like them. It left me pretty open to being manipulated by abusive people early on. If your parents affection is mostly for show and doesn’t seem to have much depth of feeling, it leaves you feeling like you’re not really loved at all. Its an easy thing to say. They try very hard now to try to rebuild that relationship with me. But I can’t shake the horrible things they did. How you treat the most vulnerable people is a pretty good measure of you as a person. One of the many, many reasons I never want children is I know I have that same rage, and I never want another child to experience that while I can help it. I know now why I was so angry as a teenager.  I was recently at a family gathering where my father and his sister were sharing stories of their upbringing. And how the drinking age was 18 in NY back then. And my father had apparently come back from a night of drinking, and his mother was sitting crying just inside the door because he’d come back home at 1am instead of 11:30 like he was supposed to. And he told her “I’m fine, quit your blubbering.” which was a dick thing to say, and very in character for my father. But apparently his father punched him in the face hard enough to send him flying backwards and put a hole in one of their walls. Which my grandfather made him fill in and fix himself. He also made him go to his lawn mowing job hungover. It was an asshole thing to say, but you’d think punching your child in the mouth hard enough to leave a mark and break a wall would be considered abusive. But the more I hear about how his father treated him, the more his own behavior makes sense.