#me feel so beautiful it manifests outside too. so yeah I guess I could mascara it up but it feels so dramatic like who am I

[tearinmyheartforjosh]

A/N: it’s 3:45am where I am right now and idk what this is. Also super un-edited. hope you guys like it! 

You were on the floor again. The same spot as the night before, and the night before that. Clutching your chest, waiting for it to split open. Your breath was coming in short, hot tears stained your cheeks and you sobbed endlessly into the emptiness of your bathroom. You felt broken.

“Fuck,” You curse quietly to yourself. He was just a boy, and a boy you hadn’t even known for very long. You had a brief two month romance and then it ended so abruptly, saying he couldn’t do the distance any longer. So you weren’t quite sure why you were so upset about it. 

Well. Maybe you did. Because it wasn’t just the distance he was talking about. You were a hard person to love, never letting anyone get to close. Never letting anyone get inside. You had watched what that did to people. Your parents were a good example. They loved fiercely in the beginning, but once you let someone inside - once you let them see your insecurities - there’s no going back from that. Some people can’t handle it. No matter how much your mom loved your dad, she couldn’t get past his flaws. And you had to watch your dad drink the pain away. 

So it wasn’t just the distance. It was your insecurities manifesting themselves into everything. But you wanted to believe that this time it could be different, this time you could let someone in.

Your phone buzzes on the counter, the loud vibration startling you. You quickly wipe your sore, tired eyes and cleared your throat. Josh’s name, and your favorite picture of him light up the front screen as you swipe right to talk to him.

“Hey!” You put on your happy voice, like you always did. Because you didn’t want anyone to know how much you were hurting. “I was just thinking about you, how’s tour going?”

Josh. You had met a couple of years ago, through mutual friends and had instantly hit it off. His dry, sarcastic humor matched yours in a way you hadn’t found in anyone else before. And he made time for you, fitting you in to his insanely busy schedule as much as he could before flying off on his next adventure. If you were being honest with yourself, you definitely had feelings for the bright haired boy. How could you not? He made you feel comfortable, he made you laugh, he made sure you knew how much you meant to him. But his schedule was opposite of yours, and you vowed that you valued your friendship too much to sabotage it with feelings. So you ignored the way he gave you butterflies when he did anything around you. He was just Josh, and you were just you.

“So that’s why my ears were ringing,” He chuckles, and a smile found it’s way to your face. Just like it did any time Josh laughed. “It’s been going well! The crowds out here are amazing! So much energy every night. But I’m actually calling because we found out we have about a week off before our next show, so I was thinking of flying back to L.A for a couple of days, and I wanted to see if you and that guy you were seeing, uh - I forget his name,” He admits, and you could practically hear the sheepish smile on his face. “But, I wanted to see if you guys maybe wanted to meet up for a day, or something?”

You smile, and cover your mouth, tears welling up in your eyes. Because even when Josh was half way across the world, he was still thinking of you. It takes you a moment to reply, letting your emotions settle before telling him the news. “We actually broke up,” You said. “Me and… that guy I was seeing…”

“What?” He genuinely sounds shocked.

“Yeah, he said that he couldn’t do the distance anymore. He works away a lot, I guess…” You ramble, trying to ignore the stinging pain of rejection in your chest. 

“Shit, Y/N… I’m really sorry. That sucks so bad. How come you didn’t tell me sooner?”

“Because it’s not really a big deal,” You shrug. But you don’t want to spend time talking about the boy that couldn’t love you. So you quickly brush it off. “But, I will definitely be free any time you’re home, just let me know when you’re thinking!"  

"Well… I was actually hoping you’d be free like, right now.” His tone was cheeky, and you were slightly confused, until you heard a knock on your front door. 

You felt your heart stop. This couldn’t be happening. Josh was in Australia, you had just face timed Jenna this morning and he was there - you saw him. It had to be some sort of coincidence. Someone must have the wrong apartment number, and Josh was just talking about Face timing you.

“That was weird,” You thought out loud as you picked yourself up from the bathroom floor and quickly inspected yourself in the mirror. Your eyes were red and puffy from crying, and black watery mascara marks trailed all the way down to your chin. You were a disaster. But if you were just letting someone know that they had the wrong apartment, it would do.

“What was?” Josh asked on the other line, sounding like he was trying not to laugh. Paranoia swept over you, but you pushed it down forcefully as you walked through your apartment to your front door. Josh was half way across the world, not at your front door. 

“When you said that there was a knock on my door,” You reply, quickly looking down to see if what you were wearing was appropriate too. Just a ratty old t-shirt and your favorite cotton pajama shorts. With another shrug, you continued to the door.

“Yeah…” Josh replied. “Very strange.” He was up to something, you could hear it in his voice. 

“And now you’re acting weird,” You half laughed. Your hand is on the door handle. “But just give me a second,” You continue, turning the knob and swinging the door to the hallway outside open. “We can face time in a-” You’re cut off, because standing on the other side of the door is Joshua Dun. You nearly drop your phone in shock. You had just saw him on face time this morning, in Australia, where he was. But now he’s in L.A, standing in front of your door with a bag of Chinese take out. 

“Surprise!” He shouts, shooting his hands out to the side, in a big gesture. And what a surprise it was.

“What are you doing here?!” You ask, rushing into his open arms and wrapping yours tightly around his waist. You take a deep breath in, and comfort washes over you. Josh was here. Josh was physically standing in front of you, you were really hugging him. 

“Jenna told me about you and whats-his-face,” He admits. “And she told me that you didn’t want to tell me because you didn’t want me to be worried about you. So, when I found out that we have a week off before the next show, I caught the first flight out and brought all your favorites; Chinese and sappy romcoms.” He’s grinning from ear to ear, like he’s proud of himself for being such a good friend. And you just stare at him, completely in awe of how amazing he was. And if you didn’t love him before, you sure did now.

“Josh,” You whisper, before completely falling a part in a puddle of tears in front of him.  

Not the reaction he’s expecting, but he guides you back into your apartment and onto your couch, letting you cry as he rubs soothing circles into you back. You don’t let go of him, afraid that he’ll leave. “Y/N, why didn’t you want to tell me?” He asks softly, after a couple of minutes. 

“Because,” You sob loudly, obnoxiously rubbing the back of your hand under your nose to wipe away the snot that was probably flowing down your face. But you didn’t care, you didn’t hide anything from Josh. “I’m a fucking mess. I’m too fucked up for anyone to really love, and I wanted this guy to be different. But I’m too fucked up for anyone to love."  

Josh is quiet, eyes sad as he listens to you. And all you can do is cry, because you want someone to be there for you like Josh is. Not even someone, you just want Josh, but you’re too hard to love and he would leave like the rest of them.  

"Y/N, you’re not fucked up,” He finally says, still rubbing your back softly. “That guy, he’s an idiot,” He continues, voice raising. “He doesn’t realize how good he had it. You’re amazing, Y/N. You’re beautiful and smart. You’re the funniest person I know, and you’re so kind. You’re always putting other people before you, and if he couldn’t see that, then he doesn’t deserve you,” He pauses for a moment, looking down at his hands with a mixture of emotion flooding on his face. “You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you, you know? Someone who knows you, who sees you for who you are and still thinks you’re the most amazing thing in the world.” He looks back up at you. “Someone who would fly across the world, just to see you smile.”

“Josh…” You couldn’t believe what he was saying. Everything you had ever wanted to hear, and he was saying it. It felt so surreal. You had pushed back and ignored so many feelings because you were worried that they were unrequited or that he would runaway once he saw the real you. But then, it hit you. Josh has seen the real you. Josh is seeing the real you. You were crying, in your pajamas, mascara running down your face and he came. He was here.  

“I love you, Y/N,” He tells you, softly. “And not in the you’re-my-best-friend kind of way. I’m in love with you.” His gives you a soft smile. “And, I don’t want to ever hear about some stupid guy making you cry again.”

You’re grinning uncontrollably, tears falling down your face more. But they weren’t sad ones this time. Josh said he loved you, that he was in love with you. What more could you possibly want? 

“You think I’m beautiful?” You ask with a smile, after allowing everything to sink in.

Josh throws his head back with a laugh, and you know what he’s thinking. Out of everything he just told you, that’s all you comment on. But you don’t need to tell him that you love him back, because he already knows. So, he pulls you close to him and leans in. “More than you’ll ever know,” He whispers, before placing his soft lips on yours. And for once, you don’t worry about anything.