#me who has 0 perception of myself and who im supposed to be

[elegyofthemoon]

ah the intimacy of knowing each other's stories and trusting each other deeply that you know what would make the other happy

[aqua-gem-in-eye]

"With an auspicious and a dropping eye, with mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage" -Hamlet act 1 scene 2

So Hamlet right, I must have rewatched Hamlet (the Mel Gibson version, frankly about 5 times already... passed over the last week on the Hulus and will continue to do so because uuuhhh idk, maybe its that I've recognized that it is the adult version of The Lion King story but also I really think I love how prolific it is) Hamlet jr. not Hamlet the 👻 phantom or Danny phantom uh wrong show... the former Royal Dane deceased, rest in piece oh no but he can't because he did not recieve penance from a clergyman in his untimely, MURDEROUS death! Claudius you murderous bitch >:^0 Yes not that Hamlet but his predecessor baby Hamlet, like baby Jesus but with more vigor and spite. Hamlet. is. hilarious. here. (I can't get enough, its 🍠👈 hamalicous... think thats a yam 👀) suave precursor I got to say, I love Glenn Close, I love Helena Bonham Carter. I think they are what make the movie fantastic. Trust. look up the scenes with 👑 Queen Gertrude and Ophelia respectively and you'll see why ! The 1996 unabridged version is the more preferred version without precedent because it has the whole script inside of it hence the movie being 4. hrs. long. Nevertheless both are great, casting never failed to recant an epic tale on either end.

The quote I have up there meant a lot to me while revisiting the scene, so as not to equate the act of balking at the sight of seeing an incestuous impart of a heart's desire im going to consider that this was the Golden Ages of England where Arts 🎨 flourished and thespians 🃏 ran the streets like love infested 🐕puppies, the poor little damned men. oh and Theaters flourished too. >:^) Too many concepts, ideas, perceptions were elucidated. Out in the open came things to be discussed about, written about, accepted or dismantled. William Shakespeare I guess you're somewhat bearable. im joking omg bad joke he was a great man ?! So yeah technically one of the spouses is dead...oh define dead ? hm not today. This is also supposed to 🐝 the age of like chivalry but it's not because this script goes along the lines of people wanting instant gratification which is really more today's speed you know 2019 rise and grind (which is doing wonders for me because I'm literally waking up rising and grinding !!! my teeth you fools, pay me no mind. yay to the victorious 👏 round of applause, I love you, my babies who don't give up and if you do that's okay ! you have plenty of time to recover "the air bites shrewdly" you rest and eat from the berries 🍓 my angel) right so Hamlet after his encounter with the ghost ceaselessly bruised in his mind implies how noxious matters are in his kingdom. He says in a few lines about his mother Queen Gertrude, "pernicious woman" or "weak thy name is woman" not to say this all falls on the head of women. no no no. this is really about humanity not waiting around for the smoke to clear. Why is there smoke in the first place !? Do not adhere to that smoke ! I pick at phrases such as Young Wild & Free for examplar and whilst I do like what it can offer (picture me as a 🐴🐎 horse speedily running along the mounds and ranges of grass in a very rural and green place) to be Young Wild & Free in some regards I do lend myself to those ideals some... whilst being Young Wild & Free it's more like young... wild... and not so congruently free... a lot of things take a lot of processing and take a lot of pondering that leads to possible notions of true freedom. though are we free? Maybe covertly so but everything is backwards. Lest the quote goes I am mourning the decision to marry hastily to someone that is forbidden unto me and I celebrate in the funeral of my familiar who I cherished. bitch. what. the. fuck. If only you'd seen the snake in your garden Gertrude, now you are like them feeble and blind. No one is really 😇 innocuous in these situations, there is no good or bad just humans being humans. But you will be judged unconditionally. whether you think it is through God or a higher power, dang it their already a monarchy ! 🌎 Earthly or NOT from Earth 👽 all of it is temporal but the actions deliver resonance, they loom over for a time and then they don't, but then again, they might come back to set up camp, still there is significance in that. Its like exhuming the bodies of people who spectated the interactions around them, you know the ones you can pick out from literature and books, those people who took time to write it all down... maybe there are those who created their own monologue in their heads to justify the means on their own in secrecy (i mean yeah there are the deep thinkers but to know that they think deeply and that it may not ever be discovered or known the thoughts that they carried is fucking disheartening)... its almost catholic in a sense that you are on your lonesome stark at night or in daylight, twilight.... what have you! and your thoughts are finally your own. but with books and literature its boding to know that expressions can live longer than spoken words. yeah maybe they found solace in that. Mirth and dirge... how can both be mixed, how can both be intertwined in uncongenial components ? I don't understand it. If there is something still unresolved that ruminates in your heart make it salient that you find a resolve for you, by you. Good night sweet prince. Adieu ~

[wishcoins]

wrt your post on davekat shippers: thats like... really insightful holy shit. because i love karkat as an individual character, but come to think of it whenever i think about davekat, i dave-orient it because thats just the content im used to i guess? but, karkat has his individual problems he needs help working through, his own part in the relationship, all sorts of dynamics everyone brushes over. anyways just giving thanks because its good to remember when im writin :0

omg i was so nervous when i first opened this bc i was worried i was like .. way more unkind in my original post than i remembered being and had this brief instantaneous thought of like ….@ Me Calm Down

now i wish i had taken the time to like … articulate myself better instead of just venting but i guess i could just do that in this reply instead

tbh i have that exact same problem where i consider their relationship dynamic from dave’s perspective by default, and i think thats probably common, especially since he is SUCH a big fave and his chara dev, thought process / perspective, Emotions And Feelings were right up at front.  like, it’s fair that he’s not the only one and i think those logs were good ones to have, but i also believe that like .. proportionally speaking .. he got an unfair amount of attention compared to Literally Everyone Else Present (which i wouldnt want to take away, i just wish there was more to go around for everyone else)

what i think happened, because of this, is that there was a big shift in people’s perceptions of dave  (i seriously swear to god im not vaguing anyone in particular this really is just my like … thoughts and feelings and whatever)  which basically solidified a general trend that his character had already been headed towards, of  “way way soft with plenty of emotions and actually needs a lot of care & support” etc.  like compare 2016 dave strider with like … 2012 dave strider.  it’s truly Somethin Else

and this is not a bad thing!  but it’s just so prominent right before the ending, it’s incredibly easy to be like “this chara whomst i adore deserves so much love and support, and like … what a coincidence … his loving bug husband is Right There …. Thank Goodness”

the only thing about this that bothers me is that a lotta content just stays right there, and the fact that karkat can help him implicitly feels like the most significant thing about their relationship, even if that’s not what was intended, to me it feels like that’s what happened, though gradually

i guess the implication that dave strider is Ptsd Georg relative to the rest of the cast w their own massive fuckign problems that they also deserve love&support with is … like …. idk man it just feels unfair.  and i always think back to the GO timeline conversation karkat and dave had (that one) where dave like .. fell ass-backwards into talking him thru his Anxiety & Assorted Pessimisms and im like … wheres THAT ? give me more of THIS please, …. despite my salt i actually love those assholes so much & like .. idk i truly yearn for content where they Explicitly Clearly Both support each other thru their like trauma and neuroses and shit.  in their own slapdash jackass ways obviously

(TANGENTIALLY RELATED: i promise yall that karkat is supposed to be funny as hell … Make Karkat A Genuinely Clever Piece Of Gargbagt Again … manifests in the clouds like an ominous mufasa apparition REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. A SMARMY GOTTAMN SHITHEAD)

also tangentially related: @fourthreetwofuckyou combat me right now

[pozolegirl]

2016 tales - tag :)

I was tagged by @amynchan, hoorah!

total number of stories (completed/WIPs):

Completed fanfiction:  26 I think Completed original fiction:  0 (But I made a lot of progress!!!) WIP fanfiction:  2???? I also have over 200 pages of drabble from different fandoms that are just stories that were never finished. WIP original fiction:  1 (If you’re not counting original comics which I kind of write out before hand...)

total word count:

I’m VERY roughly estimating over 183K words...... I write a lot.

fandoms written in:

LOTS of Miraculous Ladybug, tiny bit of SVTFOE.... I think that’s it.

looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?

I WROTE A FREAKING NOVEL. STRAY CHAT IS 60K, THAT’S THE SIZE OF AN AVERAGE NOVEL. Yeah I wrote a lot more than I thought I would, and I’m really proud of myself. Now that I’ve done it once, I feel confident enough to do it again! :) It was a big confidence boost.

what’s your own favorite story of the year?

STRAY CHAT. I’m so proud of that story, it’s one of the best things I’ve ever written. And it seems like everyone else liked it too, thank you so much for the feedback. <3

did you take any writing risks this year?

I tried NaNoWriMo and I didn’t make it but I wrote so much and it really helped me get a big chunk of writing finished in my original story!!! 

do you have any fanfic or profit goals for the new year?

I hope I can finish Sancouer... I haven’t worked on that for like a month. DX (I have been busy tho)  I also really hope I get some good ideas for the extra chapters of Stray Chat. I know you guys wanted a wedding, hahaha. 

best story of the year?

Stray Chat.... Honestly.

most popular story of the year?

Stray Chat again! On Tumblr though, my ‘Adrienette for 7 Minutes’ and ‘Blue Silk Pajamas’ got pretty dang popular on here, hahaha. You guys and your kissing. 

story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

Uuuummm.... idk.... I liked my ‘In the Rubble’ with Chloe and Nathanael. I can’t say that Stray Chat is under appreciated, but I always want to ask people to read it because I love it so much but I feel awkward asking them to read it, hahaha..... I do not like asking for attention but underneath I’m like: pLEASE- LOOK AT THIS- IM PROUD OF IT-GAAAHHH

most fun story to write:

Probably Stray Chat but I’ve said that a billion times sO- I really liked writing Blue Silk Pajamas, it was really funny.

story with the single sexiest moment:

Pshhhhh..... um.... Probably Stray Chat the week after their first kiss when they’re dancing together in the kitchen and then start kissing. It wasn’t even that bad, but that was probably the most heated part of the story. XD (except to those of you who think sharing a strawberry with a fast kiss is sexy, wth, that was supposed to be CUTE)

most sweet story:

Probably ‘Princess’. I don’t think many of you have read that, it was awhile ago. It was just a school dance story, but it was sweet and fluffy. :’) (But once again, Stray Chat was sweeter. Like when Adrien did ‘The Nod’™ you know what i’m talking about)

”holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you!” story:

.....I don’t believe I’ve shared those drabbles.... >_>

story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters & most unintentionally telling story:

I’m going to actually say my own ‘Falling Apartments’ story has changed some characters SO MUCH from when I originally started writing them. So much so that I think I’m going to have to rewrite it so I can fix the characters to what they’ve turned into! That’s what I love about writing. :’)

hardest story to write:

Ugh. Probably Desole. There were times where writing the next chapter was pAINFUL the inspiration was just not coming.

biggest disappointment:

LOL Sancouer, jeeze, I know exactly how it’s going to end but writing it is just... ehhhhhhh this isn’t good.....

biggest surprise:

Stray Chat! I never expected it to be that long!!! Holy crap!!!

taggity tags:

do this if you like writing, hahaha

[subconsitrep]

The breaking support

Once again, the tide brings new waves that all have yet to be tried and succeeded.  This new wave being the beginning of my latest birthday.  The amount of new things that have developed since I’ve turned has been quite a lot, and none of it except perhaps one thing, has been much of any good news.  

My most recent post talked about the recent break up with my ex-girlfriend.  Whether or not it was explicit in mentioning that we still kept in touch, and the split was a concept that was allowed to be felt mutually, we were able to keep in touch.  Our maturity on both ends were enough to allow the privilege of friendship still exist despite whatever hardships or disagreements, cold feelings I may have felt towards the methods of which were deployed upon the separation.  I suppose we can both say that we were privileged enough to still be in agreement to keep company amongst the recent changes.  

Since our break up, she had only been in the country for a couple more weeks at best before departing to her long awaited, fairly long trip to Brazil for at least a month, perhaps a tad bit more if anything.  Seeking a deeper spiritual path on her way to encouraged development and connection with other people seeking the same.  Whereas I stayed and continued the mission I’ve always wanted to own; that is my need to become a CAF Fighter Pilot.  Doing what may to get me closer to realizing that very dream.  We kept in contact.  She messaged me quite often, always making sure that I was looked after.  The feeling felt quite maternal, like a mother would be concerned for her child.  There was a date set not a week after she would be arriving that we would meet over coffee and exchange words over our life since the split. 

I was proud even just for my own self that I had managed to find myself yet with another raise and promotion with my job, perhaps stabilizing my financial situation that may allow me to really maintain my finances and my current lifestyle granted that I am able to be budget-savvy.  Perhaps the only thing, considering that since my birthday there had been other developments that I did go into detail as well.

A colleague from work studying to become a Chiropractor had requested I volunteer for a trail of some new treatments he had learned.  Upon being a moron that moment despite my present knowledge I had agreed and allowed myself to become the victim of an issue I would later HIGHLY regret.  An adjustment was done to my lower back, which if anything had actually in fact misaligned one of the discs in my lower back and thus a Disc Herniation was born.  I’ve since not been the same person, having constant back issues and feeling consistent jolts of pain.. I find myself having to pop painkillers and anti-inflammatories to keep the pain and irritation down; which otherwise would be unheard of for me.  My 5 days a week at the gym have become 0 in fear of re-injury.  My habits have begun to die out and a minor depression has sunken in since I cannot work out, I sometimes cannot walk or move properly... Lord knows I wouldn’t function properly if I was to have sex.  On top of all of that, my cat in spite of me leaving for a full day on my birthday weekend, decided it best to spite me and piss in my bed.  I’ve since been sleeping on the floor until an undisclosed time until I can manage something.  I told her all this.  Not including the fact that I was also exploring social dating apps that have yielded an astonishingly horrid results.  So brutal I won’t even shed the details of it.  In short, living under a rock (in pain and agony) has not been more relatable. 

In exchange, I was shocked to hear of the developments with her.  Some were not surprising, considering that I was already well aware that she already had hundreds of things just lining up and working for her.  But what really caught my attention was the fact she had told me of her new partner.  This partner, whom she described to me as her ‘twin flame’, were already living together, and had been together since our break up.  Since when, wasn’t disclosed but considering that it was only 2 and a half months after our split, and a month of which she was already in Brazil.... 

...

... I really didn’t think much of it at first.  During the discussion I felt genuinely happy that she had met someone that made her happy.  Im not going to lie and say that I didn’t instantly feel something of a prick in my heart that was irritated in the moments of hearing it but it was simply just that, and I chose to dismiss it and continue on with listening as she explained the rest of the details. 

It wasn't until I was home alone, cooking when something just happened to resonate with me.  I suddenly felt like all these broken jigsaw puzzles just instantaneously lined up and solved what was in front of my face the entire time.  I made connections up without even thinking, as if my subconscious had done all the arranging itself.  I thought to myself ‘how could she have been able to find a twin flame soulmate in record time, having been in our home country for not even a full month, having been in a foreign country for more than that, since our break up 2 and a half months ago?  Not only that but they are living together?”  

At this point, anyone can come to their own conclusions and talking more about this just drags the point on unnecessarily.  My mind is just venting to myself at this point and I am simply capturing the details as experienced from my perception.  Note that this is an assumption based on pretty rock solid evidence.  More like an educated guess at this point since nothing can be confirmed.  Either or, it was in some way premeditated where she had worked up the courage to split with me while already having someone in mind and something at play for her benefit, or she had a much larger horseshoe up her ass that everything once again just happened to magically line up for her just simply because, and she did it as it all came to her, strictly after our committed involvement? 

In reflecting in all of this, the only real reason why I can sense my frustration with this is because I myself would have been open and honest about the situation no matter what.  In my own fault I had openly admitted to a potential wrong doing to her not even an hour after it all happened.  In turn, I feel that I was dishonoured by being blind sided and taken advantage of in such that has allowed me to feel so much less of a person (at least the emotional fallout of realizing this) and the fact that what had happened feels more or less more disingenuous.  She has since our break up been quite active in my life and has always offered to help and support... she has given me gifts and she does her best to offer financial support.  Could this have something to do with appeasing the guilt, assuming the above were true ?

With my bad back, nowhere to turn, a knowing of dishonesty and what feels like shade from a person I did not expect coming to light, the inconsistency of my studying (from the results of everything put together, which is just breaking my balls), no social life, not even a proper bed to sleep in... lets just say that this year has definitely taken one rough direction.

Now more than ever, the situation is calling for me to really put some insane legwork in to really counter-act all these effects and situations.  I need to call upon all power and support where I can and I must absolutely pray to ensure that I can get out of this and on top of everything once again.   I do not like where I am now and I do not want any sense of permanence to this. 

Despite all of this I still have my faith in myself.  I must hold that and my strong opinions of who I am and my potential in this life I have that has yet to come out.  Doesn’t mean Im not looking to the universe to at least guide me.  Throw me a bone here.  I could use a bit of guidance. 

[imnoturholyroller]

yesterday my mother and i went to a baby shower and a lot of things happened there, or didn’t happen. whatever but anyway it was really boring and i thought i would u know like lighten up the mood because it’s a fucking baby shower so i did what i normally do and i make a joke out of everything at appropriate times of course and i thought i was funny because i was making people laugh and i was coming up with really bizarre stories and overall i had a great time personally but anyway my mother did not agree because in the car for the rest of the ride home and at home she gave me a very long lecture of how sometimes i dont need to be the center of attention and i was like yeah thats fair i am pretty annoying sometimes but then she was like did u see that room? u have to read the room sometimes. sometimes you cant just be ur full hyper normal self because even though i love you and your cousins love you, strangers might not like you. strangers might think ur annoying. and i was like haha like whatever i dont care what other people think about me!!! ive progressed as a human person i dont need other people’s validation anymore so i told my mom that and she was like i just dont want u to get hurt!!! or set urself up to fail!!! or something around those lines and i was like i dont care i dont care i dont care adn maybe thats true maybe i dont really care but the annie from a year ago would and the annie from 2 years ago or 5 years ago or 10 years ago would definitely care. and although ive changed and developed as a human being, not caring about what other people thinkk of me is such an unnatrual feeling and my mind is doing the equivalent of what the body does to prevent off a disease or a foreigner and my mind is like preventing antibiotics to fight off this feeling of nonchalance and confidence because it doesn’t feel right!!! im supposed to be insecure and care about strangers’ opinoins but im not but at the same time yes i am!!! yes!!! im still so insecure and maybe i dont care about strangers opinions but i care about my friends?? a lot??? i care about their perception of me and how people at my school perceive me and over the course of this day i have been so so so self conscious of what i’ve been saying and how ive acting and god i cant help but think that maybe my moms right and that i really am annoying and that i always try to be the center of attention and thats fucking annoying sometimes. i dont need to give my commentary on everything and everytime i try to fix myself i cant and i cant shut up snd i dont want to worry other people so i try to be funny but then i go overboard becasue apparently everything with me has to be 0% or 100% and no in between i can’t do midddle and i cant do in between and its annoying and im annoying and i need to be locked up or something because i keep talking and no one wants to hear my voice anymore and then i keep worrying and then at the end of the day i just radiate this giant ball of nerves and unwanted energy and stress and to be honest, too many people are really tired on a monday to be handling my bullshit and all of these negative experiences are going to add up and people are just going to end up hating me and wishing that i went away and that will make me want to go away for good and wish that i was just forgotten or put away forever and no one would ever have to worry about me again or worry about the memory of me because then i would be forgotten and no one would care anymore and maybe the world would be a quieter and more peaceful place maybe i dont need to give anymore energy because my moms right why waste my time and energy on people who don’t want to be around me when all it does is just make everything hurt at the end of the day and no one cares and i just wnat to die