#me: [imagining the absolute angst i am about to unleash upon u] hehehehehehhehehehehe

[sunhalf]

@hourdive : “ there, ” cheng xiaoshi smiles as he hands xixi back her little pink cat plush ( or was it a bear? he couldn’t tell, but he won’t admit that ), “ good as new! and the fluffiness stayed in tact too. ” that smile turns into a proud grin as he leans over, “ whattya say to big brother cheng xiaoshi~? ”

"Ah...!" It's a small sound, hands reaching out and to grasp her toy the moment it's offered back to her. It's a precious gift, and one of the last pieces she has left of a time before everything got very - bad, or even - worse. She takes the plush and hugs it tightly to her chest, giggling something fragile and relieved. She'd been so worried, when the poor kitty got hurt. She was afraid nobody could fix it. Sometimes hurt things can't get fixed, and that's scary.

Cheng Xiaoshi is good at all sorts of things, though. Girls are supposed to be good at fixing this kind of stuff, not boys — that was what Papa said, at least, before he ( ... ) — but Qiao Ling says that kind of thinking is wrong, so Tianxi doesn't second - guess the gift. Just smiles and crushes the toy close to her chest.

Her eyes raise, lips parting, still smiling — smiling — smiling — until the other's words process. Big brother Cheng Xiaoshi. Her expression stills, smile frozen to her face, stuck like old glue. Big brother? It's dangerous to let men know you don't like what they said. Keep smiling. Cheng Xiaoshi is like a big brother. A lot like her big brother was, when they were little, before the hurting got even - worse. Doting and careful and kind. He teaches her a lot. Cheng Xiaoshi is ike a big brother. Does that mean that Cheng Xiaoshi is a little like —— Tianchen?

She doesn't like that thought. Pink eyes widen and pink head ducks, burying in the plush as if to hide. Her hands shake. She loves Tianchen, who made her kill people. She loves Tianchen, who protected her from Qian Jin — but she only had to be protected from Qian Jin because Tianchen handed the both of them back to another father who hated them. She loves Tianchen, who — who ———

It's not a very grown - up thing, to be angry that he abandoned her when she was the one to tell him to.

She wants a family that doesn't hurt or use her. She wants a big brother that doesn't hurt or use her. But every family she's ever had has done just that. She can't picture a family that doesn't. She doesn't want Cheng Xiaoshi, who's so kind, to be like Tianchen was. She isn't sure if any other kind of big brother exists.

Would it be bad, if she said that? No one here has ever tried to hit her — or Qiao Ling, which had been her greatest fear, and she'd watched how the boys treated her with suspicion and terror heavy in her gut — or yelled at her or told her she's bad. Would she get in trouble? Is it safe to risk saying the bad things? She's seen Qiao Ling's memories, and she knows Qiao Ling has never been afraid of either of them. Let alone Cheng Xiaoshi. All of Qiao Ling's memories of him were warm and sweet and full of grief.

Her head doesn't raise, but her hands do. It's a little clumsy, the thank you she signs. They stay raised, hesitating. She doesn't know how to ask him to promise he'll be a good brother. She can't live without a good brother.