#medical professionals + employers shouldn’t be sexist. it bothers me that I’m seen as a woman but I can’t change how people read me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

billssefton · 6 years

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my boss found out I’m living with my parents, required to shave a beard, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I’m embarrassed that my boss found out I’m living with my parents

I’m 26 years old and moved back in with my parents three months ago as a combination of getting renovicted (where a landlord evicts a tenant under the, sometimes false, reason of conducting renovation) and wanting to save up a downpayment to purchase my own place.

I work in an office and have been with the company since graduating five years ago. On a recent day off, my manager called the home phone and my mother picked up and handed the phone to me. I think they were provided an outdated phone number by HR.

Obviously I am embarrassed by this, as I especially don’t want people at work to know I moved back home as an adult. People will tend to judge you and look at you a certain way and I am aware of that. Basically I’m afraid that word will get around and affect my work relationships and/or future prospects with this employer. Why would a manager want to advance someone or recommend someone who doesn’t seem to have their personal life together?

I know it shouldn’t matter on paper but people don’t behave like that. Am I being paranoid? My plan now is just to basically just ignore it ever happened and be truthful if asked (and to get HR to update my cell #). What else should I do?

You are indeed being paranoid, or at least just overthinking this. This is not a big deal! It’s not even clear that your boss knows for sure that you moved back home (for all he knows, maybe your mom just answered your phone because you couldn’t get to it in time). But even if he does know or asks about it in the future, it’s no big deal to say “I’m saving up a down payment to purchase my own place” or “I’m temporarily at my parents’ house because my landlord decided to renovate.”

Living at home doesn’t mean you don’t have your personal life together. It’s true that it can come across that way if there are other signs of that too — inability to hold down a job, refusal to engage with the rest of the world, etc. But assuming that you otherwise seem reasonably together, it’s very unlikely that this would enter into your manager’s thinking about Professional You.

2. Badmouthing a colleague behind her back

Is it rude to badmouth a colleague behind their back? By this I don’t mean complaints or grievances (“I don’t like working with Fergus – he always stands too close and it makes me uncomfortable”) or factual / informational comments that are actually useful to know (“I worked with Fergus at my last job and he made an intern cry”).

To give some context, it was recently announced that my office would be using someone external for one of our projects — call her Jean. My team lead, but not my manager — call her Jane — had worked with Jean in the past and knew her fairly well. When this was announced, she told me privately that while Jean was incredibly skilled at her job, she was really mean. She didn’t give any further details, and I’m pretty sure she told other members of the team the same thing.

My issues are firstly that it soured any communication I had with Jean. I kept wondering if she was going to say something mean, rather than communicating productively. She never did (perhaps this one is my problem). Secondly, this started to make me question what Jane was saying about me behind my back (again, perhaps I’m being overly paranoid). Am I wrong to think that Jane’s comments about Jean being “really mean” were slightly unprofessional? I realize there’s every chance I’m reading too much into it.

I wouldn’t say “unprofessional,” exactly — but yeah, not useful or constructive. It was a broad characterization that didn’t give you very actionable information. It would be different if she’d said something like, “As a heads-up, my experience of Jane when we worked together was that she can come across as impatient and fairly critical of work that wasn’t her own. Don’t be thrown off if that happens; it’s not personal.” But just saying “she’s mean” could mean anything, and it doesn’t tell you what to prepare for. (“Mean” could mean anything from “didn’t laugh at my jokes” to “got justifiably annoyed when people gave her sloppy work” to “screamed at the nicest person in the office.”) And since there aren’t any specifics attached to it, it also feels kind of like a general slurring of Jane’s name. Giving more concrete information with context about why she thinks it’s useful for you to know would have been a better way to go.

3. My boss’s boss said I shouldn’t have a woman’s name (I’m a woman)

I am female and work for a large predominantly male company. I’ve worked there a long time and have had some big successes. In fact, just a week ago, my team released a very popular product that took months to make. The other day, while getting a coffee from the common area, I ran into my boss’s boss, who I have a completely formal relationship with. After literally saying just ”Hi, how are you” to him, he said to me, ”Katie, your name should be Bob. Doesn’t seem like you should have a woman’s name at all.” – apropos of nothing. He went on about how a woman’s name didn’t suit me … a woman.

I was caught completely off guard. I carried on the conversation as if it didn’t bother me but I deeply regret not telling him he was being inappropriate. I consider myself to be a pretty average woman, and am absolutely in line with the office dress code. I feel incredibly irritated by this comment, and the meaning of it totally eludes me. I have a feeling never in 1,000 years would he say to my male colleague, “Mike, your name should be Tiffany! You’re not really manly at all!” All I can conclude is that my boss’s boss has a serious etiquette problem. What should I do, if anything?

What on earth?! Is he implying something about your gender presentation (which would be wildly inappropriate and none of his business)? Is he making a sexist comment about how you have a tough, hard-driving style that he finds “masculine” (which would be inappropriate and gross)? Or … I don’t even know what the other possibilities are.

If you have decent rapport with your boss, you can mention it to her and if she has any idea what it meant. She may know her boss well enough that she can take a better stab at interpreting it than I can. Beyond that, though, if you haven’t seen any other problematic behavior from this guy, I’d make a mental note that he is sexist/weird/inappropriate/offensive and have it in the back of your head in case you seem additional evidence of it. (On the other hand, if this is part of a pattern of sexism from him, you may want to document it in case you decide at some point to act on that.)

4. Can your boss tell you to shave a beard?

I have a friend who has a very short, well-maintained beard. He shaved it after a barber mishap, and upon going into work, his boss told him that she preferred for him to continue to be clean shaven in the office. He let her know that he planned to grow his beard back, but she told him to start “waking up a few minutes earlier every day” to shave.

Is his boss allowed to reprimand him for ignoring her request about shaving and growing his beard back? I know that workplaces are allowed to place some stipulations on their employees appearances, but requesting that an employee shave really seems to be crossing the line. My friend is always well dressed, so this isn’t stemming from an overall need for him to be better put together in the workplace.

Yes, believe it or not, employers can require that men have clean-shaven faces. (The exception to this if you have a beard for religious or medical reasons.) This may seem weirdly retro and outdated, and it is.

But since your friend had a beard in this job previously, he could try pointing out that it hadn’t been an issue previously and asking on what grounds his boss is objecting now.