#merlin: your dad fucked a troll. get off my ass.

[spiders-hth-is-an-outlier]

I started watching Merlin again a few months back because my favorite podcasters were doing it after reaching the end of their Supernatural podcast, so for a while now I've been loping through at a civilized pace, watching 1 episode per week in advance of the podcast, and I was just about in the middle of season 3 -- coincidentally around the exact point I got distracted and lost interested in it the first time I watched -- when Netflix informed me they're yanking the show next week for inscrutable Netflix reasons. So this week I've bailed through the whole back half of the show so I wouldn't have to figure out how to download it or whatever, and man, you guys. It got weirdly dark in the last two seasons! Like there's a whole episode about the bewitched knights wandering lost in a hellish wasteland while failing to rescue Guinevere from being tortured and brainwashed and I'm like -- this is the same show that features other hit plotlines such as "Anthony Head is tricked into marrying a troll who farts constantly" right? It took a turn, is what I'm saying.

Anyway, I basically enjoyed it, in that it's (for once in my life!) written to provide basically consistent and sensible payoffs for the conflicts it establishes and also Colin Morgan is just a really likeable and compelling performer, but like -- I do think it's ultimately a more or less fatal flaw to the show that Arthur kind of -- sucks. He really is kind of a garbage dude, and initially you're kind of like, oh okay, he's youthful and reckless and spoiled, but the show is going to be about how he matures into the Great King of Prophecy, and I appreciate that the key to that is going to be the way he comes to realize that the Common Folk in his life, both Gwen and Merlin, are the best people around him. And kiiiind of? I mean, he does improve marginally, but oh my God he really just is largely a dipshit right to the end, isn't he? Like very late in the game, well into the Full Flowering of Camelot, the conflicts are still along the lines of "Arthur is fully going to execute someone for trumped-up reasons and Merlin has to gingerly plant the idea of maybe not doing that in his head because god knows he'll be having none of it if you try to be direct about the gruesome mistake he's making." And the man's daddy issues, Jesus Christ! I love a good fictional daddy issue, but there's a line, and the line is that if the ghost of your asshole of a dead father half-murders your wife because he thinks you could do better, you're allowed to speak sternly to him! Very sternly! But no, Arthur's like, Dad, I have to ask you to leave now please, because I'm an adult now and you are dead. Buddy! Buddy!!! He clocked your wife unconscious and tried to set her on fire, we passed I Need You to Go Now *several* exits back!

Anyway, it's stuff like that. He's a better king than Uther was, but the bar is in hell, and judged on his own merits, Arthur is -- kind of a petty curmudgeon, and not entirely not a tyrant, and he never *did* fully get around to that restoring magic business that was supposedly the point of the whole show. Which in and of itself is okay and kind of interesting -- it was almost a bold statement about the inherent moral vacuity of dynastic monarchies, like actually if you raise a person to believe the right of rulership is in him by blood, the very *best* you're going to get is a guy who's okay sometimes, unless he doesn't feel like it, in which case you're fucked until you can figure out some way to work him around. Which is basically what Arthur was, as a king. It's like Junior Varsity Game of Thrones. It's not bad.

But they so clearly wanted you, the audience, to go all in on Merlin's fear and sadness as Camlann and Mordred and the fall of Camelot looms, and Morgan's acting his ass off and I would like to play along and grieve the tragic loss of Arthur Pendragon and the end of a golden age, except Arthur's really just a dudebro with the bare minimum that qualifies as a conscience and actually the whole last two seasons were shot more like a gothic horror than a golden age, and I don't think I found it as reassuring as I'm supposed to that this guy is coming back at some point. Not to speak for the British, but -- thanks but no thanks, is where I personally stand on that business. Avalon can keep him.

Which -- again, if that's the point, it's a brilliantly sly deconstruction of the mythology of the True King. But it's kind of not framed like that's the point. I actually couldn't tell for sure. All of this sounds like I didn't like the show, but I think I did! It had some genuinely moving elements and decent production values for TV and some good performances and a dragon. I liked the dragon, he's probably my favorite character.

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

animaniacs - season 1 episode 38 - spellbound

episode summary: inexplicably stuck in camelot times, brain tries to get the ingredience for a magic spell that allows the caster to take over the world. this episode has no relation to the other camelot episode and i don't... know why.

the rundown: we begin our episode with the assertion that this is England in 1194. at this point in history, everyone from fire emblem 16 has grown up and is gay married, but we're not focusing on them right now. we're going to camelot and asking about their round table.

lol.

anyway after we see this creepy spider do whatever he's doing, we meet... merlin, i guess.

my dude??? he looks different. did you go on queer eye, merlin? whatever. he technically doesn't say he's merlin, so... maybe he's the other guy? the older guy? who's like merlin's dad?

this fucker. is he in the original king arthur? idk man i only watch cartoons. anyway he is casting a spell and it is very important. important enough to require components from yoko ono, apparently. like she hasn't suffered on this show enough.

but who do we have here?

"mouse" as my flatmate elegantly put it when he walked past the tv room to get a water. but even better than mouse??? mouse in SHORTS. MOUSE IN SHORTS MOUSE IN SHORTS??? MOUSE IN SHORTS. MOUSE IN SHORTS LOOK AT HIS LITTLE LEGYS MOUSE IN SHORTS MOUSE IN. SHORTS MOUSE IN SHORTS. MOUSE IN SHORTS.

YES.

pinky is not wearing shorts, which is incredibly disappointing. he's wearing some sort of sleeveless shirt dress tunic thing in an awful colour that someone like kanye west or justin bieber probably sells on their merch store for like a thousand dollars. he got the yeezy fit, damn. despite the designer status of his clothes, his bedroom eyes still do not convince me.

"i wish i was a windowsill so i could be--! ah. um."

"an imbecile?"

"ah! haha good rhyme, brain!" the bop of the century. kanye west sells the "windowsill" remix in vinyl on his online store for an additional fifty dollars.

after naming a few more celebrities ("I win, you win, edwin newman") the cauldron explodes in a puff of green smoke! and we get!

a pie. “lo!” he cries. “i’ve made a nice pie.”

hm. pinky is impressed. brain is uh. i think he mentally checked out? whatever he's doing i cannot stop fucking laughing at it. i actually had to put this post on pause for longer than anticipated because brain’s stupid face got to me. i’m so sorry. i started writing this at like 11pm gmt on the 11th and it just didn’t get to y’all in time because of brain’s stupid fucking face.

i’m sorry. brain is less impressed and declares it a “waste of magic”, and that he “would never squander such mystical powers over mere pastry.”

“poit. but what if you were eating dinner and you forgot dessert?”

“maybe then.”

but there is trouble afoot! Old Man Merlin has realised that king arthur will want some of his pie, and decides he’d better eat it in the dungeon so that doesn’t happen.

brain takes this opportunity to look through Old Man Merlin’s big book of spells. he “will use merlin’s magic to take control of the world” and then we get another nice closeup of his funny little face.

i don’t know why animaniacs was so keen on doing this? does it happen this much in the reboot? it feels like every episode we stare brain down to assert dominance.

“oh, no, no. where will you find a magic spell for that?”

“in the table of contents, pinky.”

“oh, well, very good.”

(the table of contents also contains a spell to “win at blackjack”, next to the taking over the world spell. brain considers this, for a moment, and then decides now is probably not the time.)

so good thing they have all the components for the magic spell, eh? including the Half Eaten Gingerbread Cookie That’s Been Left On The Counter All Night.

hmm.

oh, wait, no they don’t. turns out they’re fresh out of red dragon toenails, so brain’s solution to this problem is just to... go and get more, which is obviously a thing people do. they have to cross the enchanted forest to do that. it has witches and stuff. pinky rightfully points out that that is a lot of danger to overcome, and brain gets his stealing-the-minivan vibes back and nicks Old Man Merlin’s magic wand. he only knows one spell, but that won’t stop him.

the first obstacle they have to cross is the gingerbread house owned by... witch hazel from looney tunes. she’s a lot less annoying here than in bugs bunny lost in time, and informs brain that she is “waiting for pudgy german children.” instead of taking her suggestion to “get outta here”, brain magics her ass.

charlie sheen, ben vereen, shrink to the size of a lima bean.

they do get their ass handed to them by aforementioned pudgy german children, but then the german children decide that the mice have syphillis and yeet them in the general direction of slappy squirrel, who is here now.

she starts an argument with the goodfeathers, who are also here now, and brain takes it as their cue to leave.

but never mind all that! good thing there’s a handy bridge over this stream!

unfortunately, the bridge likes to spawn Giant Purple Hands That Kidnap Goats, so brain concludes they should cross said bridge using Stealth. unfortunately pinky drops the wand on the source of the Giant Purple Hands, and it is... relatively unhappy.

so brain pulls out the old “ charlie sheen, ben vereen, shrink to the size of a lima bean” again.

i did definitely think the troll was going to kick him in the crotch. i was very much sure of this, actually. instead it yeets him into rita and runt and fucks off.

“for goodness sake boxy” i hear you cry, “aren’t they at the dragon yet! this review has lasted a good twenty years of scrolling down my dashboard!” and i hear you, and you’re right, but the first thing you need to understand is; pinky has spent this whole episode singing. that little guitar he has? he has spent the whole episode replicating windowsill. “we’re in the woods so dark and stinky, to conquer the world, go brain and--” and then he forgets his name and brain has to remind him that it’s pinky. or remind him of his own name, or suggest like, steam to rhyme with stream. that is the running gag of this episode, and it is very important, at this stage, that you know that. pinky has not, as of yet, stopped singing and playing the lute.

so even though they make it to the dragon pretty mucn unscathed (aside from brain getting sat on by a giant, but i won’t go into that unless y’all specifically want details) pinky just has to have his little song in order to keep the dragon asleep.

and then brain yells at him for forgetting the word “sandman”, which breaks the toenail off completely,

and also wakes up the dragon, which can’t be good. it’s not happy! it was growing its’ nails out for paris fashion week.

brain tries his best to rectify this situation.

“charlie sheen, ben vereen--!”

charlie sheen and ben vereen are dead. i’m sorry to have to tell you. they shrunk down so much they got stuck in the quantum zone from antman and the wasp. someone should probably do something about that.

anyway the mice decide to hightail it back to Old Man Merlin’s.

conclusion: 

spoilies: they do make it back in one piece. i won’t detail the whole chase scene because it’s just a bunch of running, because the post is long enough already, and also because tumblr has eaten it three fucking times and i could basically type all this in my sleep now. the things i do for y’all. donate to the wavemaiden.

so pinky shoves all the ingredients into the pot, while brain finds The Take Over The World Spell. the dragon is harassing them this whole time, which feels unfair.

“listen carefully, pinky. i need to recite this spell exactly, and once i start i cannot stop. so i need you to be extra quiet, okay?”

“sure thing, brain.”

this lasts for approximately five minutes.

“brain’s the boss! he’ll rule with ease!”

“mystical powers, your might unfurled, grant that i become--”

“he’s the one! the big, erm. banana?”

“cheese!” yells brain, who has given up entirely by this point. “it rhymes with ease! big! cheese!”

hm.

“are you alright, brain?”

“i feel. odd.”

this is an interesting development.

so brain is cheese now! cool. i guess they have to wait for merlin to get back from Pie Heaven and turn him back, somehow? with his spare wand or whatever. this is definitely pinky’s fault, because brain did ask him to stay quiet for a bit surprisingly nicely (in brain terms) and he... did not. and now brain is a cheese.

on the other hand, this would probably work again if they tried it again, once merlin goes back to pick up some more toenails.

brain: 2 pinky: 3 outside influence: 5

“can i get you anything, brain? some medicine? a cracker?”

“were i not a large cheese, i would make you pay for that remark.”

[thegeminisage]

i’m gonna liveblog my rewatch of 2.08 because i can

it’s stupid long so here’s the cut

just to give you an idea of how fast this switch flipped for me at the start of this episode when uther is like “u will find no one who embodies nobleness better than my son arthur” i went “PFFFFFT” & had a good chortle

i have a lot to say about this duel challenge sequence. 1. why are strangers always coming in and tossing their glove on the floor. everyone in that room is armed. just take them out! 2. arthur picks up the glove first this time, unlike 1.03. guess he can learn after all 3. he does it BEFORE SEEING HER FACE god classic he’s so fucking stupid

everyone getting their panties in a twist over having to fight a WOMAN when in reality she goes on to kick his ass is like...both tiresome & hilarious

i used to really be on the fence about the Vibe between merlin & arthur because while they seemed quite happy to die for one another from the get-go most of the time arthur is just being MEAN and merlin isn’t as mean back and it’s like :/ ok i don’t get what everyone else is so heart-eyes over. but in 2.08 they do a lot of confiding in one another and just general talking about plot-stuff where arthur’s insults are...not absent, but kept to a minimum, and idk it’s nice! it’s nice. less like arthur is a massive bully and more like they’re Companions. i’m not hopeful about it lasting bc this show doesn’t know the meaning of the words “consist continuity” but it was reeeeeaally good here

arthur’s face when he lost to a G I R L and uther just walked out with no comment. even back when i still hated him i was like “ouch”

that being said it was a welcome change of pace to see merlin giving ARTHUR shit for once. finally

upon morgause and morgana’s first meeting when morgause says “i hope you will remember me fondly” i went “WOW THAT’S GAY” because i didn’t KNOW and cathy told me later she had to put her head in her hands for five whole minutes. don’t shoot me i’m just the messenger they’re the ones who wrote it that way

my favorite thing about morgause is that i couldn’t immediately figure her out. i’m in the habit of throwing out guesses about future plot points for fun, because i’m a writer and that’s how i deconstruct things, and since this show was kind of meant to be kid-friendly i’m usually right. but as far as morgause went...i didn’t have a clue. i had NO IDEA this whole ep would be like this

i’ve said this before (not on this blog tho) but arthur is like...really eager to die. i keep joking that he has a death wish but upon further reflection i don’t think he’s actively seeking to end his life as much as he would be relieved to die for something noble like honor or whatever because then he would have...done it right, if that makes any sense, and wouldn’t have to worry about screwing it up anymore. he doesn’t want to die but he craves a good death. to prove to his dad and himself that he’s made of the right stuff?? i’m not being very clear. this concept requires more thought

it’s REALLY a lot for me that uther would rather throw arthur in his own chambers than have him find out about ygraine. yyyyikes

merlin sneaking in that rope was so cute. he finally got the group’s communal braincell for a few minutes

on the other hand after the troll episodes i am SO tired of dung being played for laughs. i really suffered

also man i’m so glad morgana finally got some sleep it’s what she deserves

this Dead Parent talk really mcmurdered me. both merlin and arthur lost a parent when they were very young & they now cannot remember said parent and we HAVE THAT IN COMMON so every single word they said was like an arrow straight to my heart!!!!!!! like as good as the ending to this episode was (and OH it was good OHHHHH it was GOOD) i think this right here is what truly softened me up towards arthur. this is relatability, this is emotional vulnerability, this is a genuine human connection made between EQUALS and frankly it’s exactly what i’ve been wanting from these guys for a season and a half. their willingness to die for each other is good stuff to be sure but it’s EMPTY without some meat to back it up & we’re finally getting what we deserve

“i’d do anything for even the vaguest memory” like they didn’t have to go that hard & read me for filth like that but they did. they did. arthur. babe. my guy.

almost every time someone comes in to speak with uther he’s eating and he has like an entire mini-banquet in front of him even though he’s all by himself. like, an entire plate of grapes, a whole-ass chicken, an intact loaf of bread, a bowl FILLED with whole uncut apples...wtf??

“what would YOU know about magic, merlin?” “nothing ;)” i did have a good chortle truly

i’ve already made my points about arthur and a good death but MAN he was hasty to put his head on that chopping block for no good fucking reason at all. holy shit. him casually doing that swing-thing he does with his sword to the axe ahead of time really adds a lot to this entire thing and also aged me ten years

when arthur was like “what if my father’s attitude towards magic is wrong” and “surely not everyone who practices magic can be evil” i gasped so fucking loud. so fucking loud

and the worst part is you can practically feel merlin’s heartbeat pick up. just LOOK at his “wtf am i hearing is this for real could my dreams actually come true” face. but at the same time, he’s got to be the one with a healthy suspicion here because arthur is in over his head. so he STILL can’t trust it. and then naturally it goes to hell so quickly that the chance for merlin to confide in arthur is lost. i can’t believe this took 4 irl years and five seasons. watching this live must have been like TORTURE. i’m practically bingeing it and i’m still suffering deeply

it’s very odd to me that arthur specifically said his mother died before he opened his eyes but the first thing ygraine says to him is that she remembers him staring up at her. to me that’s an obvious clue that she’s a fake, and the cutaway during that line to merlin’s face tells me he had the same suspicion (and that he’s kind of horrified by it)

ARTHUR FEELS SO GUILTY FOR HER DYING AND I’M ALSO DYING AND SLDFKMGHLSKDFJH

i know for a fact that ygraine’s telling of these events is slightly altered from the truth too...there’s no way that uther would have been so overcome with grief that he went on to commit genocide if he knew beforehand that his wife would die and was willing to sacrifice her

on the other hand, there’s also a cutaway to morgause’s face during this speech in which she looks surprised or confused at what ygraine says, which doesn’t add up if she was pulling these strings, so...What Is The Truth

not to be like this but merlin bearing witness to this whole series of events is like...there’s some things that once you go through them with somebody things between you change and there’s a new intimacy there...i don’t expect much from a show that likes to return to the status quo but in my heart it’s how i feel

OH BOY HERE WE GO. arthur arrives in camelot and pulls his sword out as soon as he leaves his horse leaving a visibly spooked merlin behind him this is the STUFF

“arthur was born of magic” is really a hell of a line because even though i already knew this backstory i hadn’t stopped to consider it like that...no, magic is not a crucial part of arthur’s identity and how he views himself the way it is for merlin and morgana, but it’s still a part of his history and what made him who he is, that made him alive and different from other people. his hatred and fear of it becomes so much more tragic in that light. i think also there was such a clear line drown before between people who are magic and people who are not and for me, mentally, arthur kind of...swapped sides, or is at least straddling the border

merlin’s absolute FURY at uther’s hypocrisy is like...........fucking. another thing i wanted to see for a season and a half. imo there’s not nearly enough meat to the fact that merlin is magic and ultimately serves uther who is trying to decimate him and his kind - has actually SAVED UTHER'S LIFE on MULTIPLE occasions. this is the first time this show actually went “hey uther is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people and that’s really not at all ok” and i am SO into it. like, no, he’s not misguided. he’s not “just grieving.” he’s a murderer. he’s responsible for genocide.

the final 9 minutes of this episode feature arthur pendragon being absolutely FURIOUS. he’s LIVID. he’s PISSED. and i love it more than anything else this show has done so far

i genuinely, truly believed he didn’t have this in him. never in my WILDEST DREAMS could i have imagined arthur doing this. i had written it off as the stuff of fanfics. but holy shit my man snapped

HE👏DID👏THAT👏

reasons i did not see this coming at all even a little: 1. i figured there was no way arthur would get over his anti-magic thing until near the end (i know it must come back later, but STILL) 2. i did not believe for one second he could ever seriously stand up to his father for more than a few minutes at a time 3. most of what’s making arthur so goddamn pissed is that he thinks his dad killed his mom on purpose but he’s also showing a fair amount of horror at the fact that uther hunted down and killed everyone even remotely associated with sorcery like animals. do you know what that is? does anybody else understand the enormity of this? HE IS SHOWING EMPATHY. i DID NOT believe he was capable of it.

i do feel a way about how uther started this scene from a place of cool confidence - he was handing out orders, “leave us and no one comes in,” manipulating the situation, “she was lying to you, magic users are trying to destroy us,” and finally trying to close the door on the topic and reassert control, “i am your kind and your father and you will SHOW ME SOME RESPECT” - and arthur was not only having none of it (the way his eyes narrowed as uther’s casual “she was lying”...oh boy) he TURNED THE TABLES and had uther ON THE DEFENSIVE. the number of times we’ve seen uther shut other people down and get his way because he’s king and everyone is afraid of him and this time uther was the one who afraid LITERALLY for his life. HOW’S THAT TASTE BITCH god it was SO satisfying. like, there’s one shot where arthur is walking slowly towards him after all his verbal tactics have failed to de-escalate the situation and he’s in the backround with his eyes so fucking wide and he looks TERRIFIED. i LOVE IT

“you are my son. you would not strike an unarmed man.” “i no longer consider myself your son” AND HE STRIKES HIM

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

when i say that i LITERALLY screamed i am not at all exaggerating or using hyperbole. cathy asked twice if i needed to pause & collect myself. i could not have paused if my life depended on it

i’m really on the fence about merlin stopping arthur. on the one hand, arthur has suffered enough and doesn’t need to suffer more by having to carry the guilt or dadmurder. under the other, uther is a monster and needs to die, and the entire world would be better off without him

like...arthur’s face when he says “you have caused so much suffering and pain”...he really finally got it. for one beautiful brilliant moment he understood

i am NOT on the fence about merlin lying to arthur. that was the wrong way to do it. arthur 6000% deserves to know the truth and that’s only gonna come back and bite them later i’m sure (unless it never comes back at all in which case i’ll be pissed)

i’m not sure that arthur would have backed off if they had told the truth and said “uther didn’t realize your mom was gonna die so really that part wasn’t his fault”...he was really mad! but he might’ve. lying was not the way to go. i’m so angry at literally everyone in that scene for allowing arthur to walk away believing he was wrong. he was so full of conviction and he was about to do a really good thing - not good for him personally, but good for the world - and everyone he trusts lied to his face in order to maintain the status quo and not have to deal with anything ugly. i HATE it. i’m team arthur now. i’m in the arthur defense squad. all those dumb liars aren’t good enough to be his friends!!!!!!

like, even his dad’s words were sooo carefully chosen to avoid lying but also avoid telling the whole truth. even in that moment when arthur was laying it all bare and they could have made some sort of progress as character and as people. we had to go BACK TO THE STATUS QUO

Once Again Arthurs Heart Is Hardened To Magic i hate it thanks

honestly look uther telling arthur that he’s a trusted ally in the fight against magic should make him feel a lot more distressed than what we got. i mean i’m sure he’s glad his cover is safe but he should realize that if uther approves he’s doing something wrong

furthermore, uther hasn’t changed a bit. he says he came to thank merlin and that merlin is a loyal servant and trusted ally, but then threatens his life before he leaves. honestly we should have just let arthur stab him

i do appreciate them making a point of mentioning that merlin was tempted to let uther die and that it would have been better for him if uther HAD died and he only did what he did to protect arthur but like...there were ways to do that that didn’t involve lying i think. this is an optimistic show most of the time. it wouldn’t have messed with my suspension of disbelief if arthur had dropped the sword knowing the real whole truth! but no, The Status Quo

i don’t know if i will still love arthur so much in the coming episodes.................we’ll see. i’m kind of nervous because i don’t know how they’re ever going to top this. i think we peaked right here and it’ll never be this good for me again

[vampirequeenoffan]

Major Trollhunters spoilers under the cut because I am!! Mad and no one I know in real life understands my pain ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I love so GODDAMN much about this show okay!!!! So do not get me wrong it is Amazing and has so many kickass characters and I could go ON AND ON about how much I love it and how dimensional and well-thought-out it is so just.

This one thing.

This one thing.

Troll Jim. Now, here’s the thing, it takes a lot for me to not like a monster form. Were I not ace as hell I would be a Certified Monsterfucker. And! AND! I actually really love the troll Jim design.

I just hate why and how it happens.

Like. . . let’s just be practical here. Your enemy (Gunmar’s army) can’t go out in the sunlight. That is your one, single, only advantage and has saved your ass countless times. Do you then make it so you can’t go out in the sunlight, or do you, you know, not do that?

Let’s set aside for the moment how badly it disrupts Jim’s life! Let’s look at it purely from a tactical standpoint. You lose your biggest advantage, which is that you can move around in the sun and your enemy can’t. You trade this in for being a little stronger and a little faster. . . which doesn’t actually fucking matter, because Gunmar, the guy you’re fighting, can easily kill trolls. Full trolls. The advantage you’re gaining, slightly enhanced physical prowess, is not equal to the one you’re losing, the ability to not fucking die during the daytime.

Now, returning to how badly it fucks up Jim’s life, this shit is permanent!!! Trolls live fucking forever, unless they get killed, so he will now outlive:

–His mother

–His girlfriend

–His best friend

–Fucking

–Everyone

–Except for other trolls

He also can’t go out in the daylight anymore, which means he can’t finish high school or go to college or even just. . . sunbathe. Or go outside during the daytime ever. Which, if he still has human brain chemistry, is gonna fuck him up. Humans need sunlight to continue functioning as normal, that’s why humans in places that don’t get a lot of sunlight need sun lamps and shit to stay healthy.

That much I could have handled. I would’ve still thought it was stupid, but I could’ve handled it. Merlin, this supposedly wise man with glimpses of the future decides to give up their best advantage because destiny? Whatever, he’s a moron, but fine.

But.

Jim.

Can’t.

Eat.

Human.

Food.

Anymore.

Are you serious? Are you fucking serious? He’s a chef. He started cooking for his mom after his dad left them because it was hIS WAY OF TAKING CARE OF HER AND ULTIMATELY BROUGHT THEM A WAY TO BOND. And now he can’t do that anymore, can’t enjoy the one human hobby he had left, because his new stupid troll body won’t let him eat normal human food.

What the fuck.

I actually cried when he tried to have dinner with his mom because??? It’s permanent. It’s for forever. When he was terrified of what he’d turned into he turned to cooking for comfort and he couldn’t even enjoy that. Like, I get that it was supposed to be a powerful moment emphasizing what he’d given up, but that’s the problem. He gave up so much to become ‘half troll,’ and for what? To be slightly faster and slightly stronger? He had an actual goddamn army at his back, that shouldn’t have mattered.

That level of angst is acceptable in fanfiction because you can at least console yourself as you’re sobbing on your pillow with the fact that it isn’t cannon. The consequences of his decision were so well-thought-out that I just can’t stand how little the reasoning for his transformation was. Besides that, with all the emphasis the show placed on how being human was his greatest asset, I expected more from them than to solve the final fight with deus ex troll. Claire, the very human Claire, was the one who finally took out Morgana. Morgana. The big bad that was even worse than Gunmar. And they landed the most blows on her when all of them, troll and human together, worked as one. I would understand, sort of, if Jim was given a form he could switch back and forth between. Changling Jim would have been. . . fine. You could’ve had all the angst at trouble with transforming without any of the stupidity caused by the reasoning for the decision. Narratively speaking, it probably would have worked better, because then he would be the true harmony between human and troll, not just. . . a troll thats kinda lanky and can bleed.

And, for all the immediate aftermath of his transformation was handled well, I can’t even begin to express how pissed off I was at how it was resolved. Jim’s problem wasn’t that he thought his friends and family wouldn’t accept him, it was that he suddenly found himself unable to do or enjoy any of the things he’d loved for the entirety of his life. I love all of what his family said to him– how even if he can’t do the same things he used to, he can still “let us help you.” That was touching and lovely and made me cry some more.

But it doesn’t solve anything. So Merlin sweeping up at the end there like glad you got off your period Jim now let’s talk like sensible adults instead of babies was fucking moronic. I would have killed for Jim to have punched him in the goddamn face when he waltzed in like that but instead he just. . . smiled vaguely. Like the fact that everything he loved was ruined now was fine just because someone had hugged him.

I live with depression. I know a little something about having the things you love systematically stripped from you. And the thing is, while having the support of those you love helps you through it, it does not fix it. It belittles Jim’s emotions and all of the human experience to act like it does.

Uuuugh I feel so bitter but there it is. I don’t usually complain like this but I needed to get this shit off my chest. Maybe I’ll do a lighthearted comic or something on the subject so that my incoherent screaming can make people in the fandom laugh, idk.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

TLDR, the advantage Jim gained by becoming a troll did not outweigh the advantages he gave up, and though I love this show for many reasons, this one flaw seems catastrophically large and is very frustrating for me. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.