#mertjo

[mndalorians]

#43: “You have no idea how much I want you right now.” with Din?

Again, again

Word count: 1.3k

A/n: I went for angst and changed the prompt a little, just because the original is a little too ~spicy~ to conceivably be said in a non-spicy way and I can’t write anything along those lines hi welcome to weenie hut jrs. I hope you like it nevertheless!

A dingy cantina on the edge of the Outer Rim was one of the last places you had expected to see Din Djarin again, though you had stopped expecting him a year after you had separated on Coruscant. But you noticed him as soon as he walked in, the silver helmet, the rusted red of his armour, and his confident saunter were all as they had been before, unchanged by time.

You knew by his double take that he had spotted you too. Your eyes were quick to slip off him and onto the table in front of you, one hand curling into a fist on your lap, nails digging into skin when the weight of his gaze did not let up. You tried to pretend he wasn’t there by running a finger along the rim of your glass, by watching the bounty hunter you had temporarily paired up with, Mertjo, order another round at the bar for the two of you, by pointedly not looking in his direction. All of it was an attempt to say, without words, I have survived without you. I do not need you. Not anymore.

But it was all a performance, a rouse to convince both of you that old paths did not need to be retread. That was why you let your fingers brush against Mertjo’s when he offered you your drink and gave him an extra sweet smile as he returned to his seat across from you.

The glint of beskar drew your attention, and with a sideways glance you saw him shifting in his seat, his chest expanding then contracting as he let out a deep breath, his head turning away from you. You imagined his jaw was shut tight, the muscle below his cheek that you had never seen, only ever felt beneath your fingers, twitching as he tried to calm himself.

He turned back just as you looked away.

Kriff.

You tried to listen to Mertjo, you really did, but Din’s gaze, mixed with the three beers you had already finished was too hot, the heat collecting at your collarbones and spilling down your chest, quickening your heart rate, constricting your windpipe.

You stood up suddenly, chair legs screaming as they were pushed back and Mertjo startled, his yellow eyes wide as he looked up at you, wondering what the hell had caused you to leap up like you did.

‘I’m going out for some air,’ you explained, already somewhat breathless.

He eyed you over the rim of his glass but said nothing as you hurried towards the cantina door, purposefully keeping your eyes to the floor until you were outside and around the corner. You pressed your shoulders against the cantina’s wall and tilted your head up to the sky, focusing on your breathing.

‘Were you trying to make me jealous?’

You didn’t drop your head, not immediately. Instead you kept your eyes on the clouds above, but when you looked at him, he was moving towards you. A scoff escaped your lips as you narrowed your eyes at him. ‘I would’ve thought you better than that.’

Perhaps it was the wrong thing to say, too close to the banter you had once shared and so easily mistaken as an invitation for him to continue his approach. But you did not move away, maybe out of curiosity, or potentially because of the small part of you that couldn’t fall entirely out of love with him.

Din stopped in front of you for a moment, just looking at you and waiting for you to reject him right there and then. When you said nothing he moved forward, pressing his body against yours until your senses were consumed by him, and dipped his head down to meet yours while his hands splayed against the wall behind you, caging you in.

‘You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, how much I want to kiss you right now,’ Din groaned, sounding pained, as if his want was a physical pain sapping him of his strength. ‘It’s been too long.’

There was a heady power that came with knowing you could reduce a Mandalorian to such a desperate state from simply being in the same room after so long apart, and if it was another time  you would have savoured it, challenged him to see what he would do or how far he would go to press his lips against yours. But he was the one who had left you, what right did he have to miss you when he had brought it upon himself?

Make him suffer, a still wounded and juvenile voice whispered in your head, make him hurt like he hurt you.

You turned your head to the side though you did not push him away. The helmet found a home against your temple instead, undeterred and lightly nuzzled you. What would you have done four years ago, when the heartache was still fresh and all-consuming? Pushed him away? Pulled your vibroblade out and pressed it to his throat? You let out a sigh and closed your eyes. You weren’t that person anymore. ‘That’s your own fault, Din.’

He seemed to sag even further into you at the utterance of his name and you were reminded of the night he had told you it, the way he had shuddered when you spoke it for the first time. How long ago had that been? Five, six years? Never before had you been so concerned with time, but when your past appeared so suddenly in front of you, it was all you could think about. How much had he changed? How different was his life?

Externally, he was the same, but his outright displays of affection, so openly declaring that he wanted to kiss you… He had never been so brazen in a public space before, even in someplace that offered some semblance of privacy like the alley. The man before you wasn’t necessarily the one who had abandoned you. You were not the only one who was different, you were sure, but where did that leave the two of you? You were strangers made from old lovers.

‘And I’ve regretted it every day since then,’ he admitted, one hand coming down to your waist.

‘Doesn’t excuse it.’ There was more bite behind your words than you had intended but you didn’t pull back, didn’t try to soothe the wound.

Din’s shame was palpable as he twisted his head to the side. You were temple to temple, facing different directions all over again, though neither of you were walking away. ‘I know.’

‘What do you want, Din? Surely not just a kiss.’ Your guard was slipping, it would have been oh so easy to regress into old habits and pretend you weren’t different people. You knew you had to get out soon if you wanted to save yourself.

‘I always told myself I would ask this, even though I never thought I’d see you again.’ A sigh escaped him, and you heard it both modulated and unmodulated, layered and thick. ‘I know I hurt you, I know that, but if you could forgive me… would me you take me back?’

You shook your head  and Din pulled back slightly, cool metal leaving your head as he did so.

‘You don’t know me, not anymore, it’s been too long.’ You threw his words back at him but despite your words, despite the tiredness and defeat that permeated them, you tugged him back to you. The familiarity of the gesture, even after so long, was almost too much to bear. You didn’t want to let it go just yet.

Din was silent as he took in your words, considered how much four years could change a person, could change him, and then, in a soft and pleading voice: ‘Then will you let me get to know you again, cyar’ika?’

You faltered, resolve slipping a fraction. If he took the time to relearn you, discover what parts of you had mellowed with time, what had crept out after years of hardship, would he still love you?

You opened your eyes, stared into the void of his visor.

Would you still love him if you worked your way beneath the beskar again and saw what had changed after years apart?

Would you?

[etvou]