#might end up being Bi With A Mega Preference after all

[myersesque]

so i'm probably gay. that's a thing.

[jcmorrigan]

Do you support anti-harassment and pro-shipping?

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: This is an issue I’ve been monitoring and grappling with for a long time, and I feel like while my core philosophy has been the same for a while now, the nuances I’ve held shift every so often. I don’t identify as an anti. I just don’t. I think shipping things - be it incest, adult/minor, or one of the many flavors of abusive - is an ENTIRELY separate issue from wanting to do that IRL. I think sometimes people just want to write taboo topics for various reasons. Because the topics themselves are taboo and that’s interesting, because they offer methods of coping, even because some people are kinda into projecting upon the person on the losing end of the power dynamic and being dominated and kicked around, since that’s not something you should really chase in real life (unless it’s during a roleplay with a network of safewords).

There are many ships I think are gross, but I don’t want people to stop shipping them because I don’t like them. I don’t like ships that involve anyone under 13 with anyone over 18. I don’t like ships that involve anyone under 18 with anyone over 30. (Aging up is a whole different matter; if you write the younger character older and legitimately have them behave the way you think they would as an adult, it’s all good.) I REALLY don’t like ships where a character is either confirmed homosexual or only shown onscreen to be attracted to the same gender in a big-deal reveal sort of way (if the character has crushes on many genders or the creator uses Word of God to say they’re bi/pan, it’s fine) and the ship involves putting them with someone of the opposite gender (shipping them with enbies is fine). And no, I don’t think it’s a double standard that I sometimes like to do same-sex ships for characters who are coded very very straight. But this is all to do with my tastes and beliefs, not with what I think the rest of you all should do. If you like something that falls in my personal no-no category, then go ahead and do it. I’ll decide how much I want to interact with you, and that says more about our potential chemistry as a unit than it does about you as a person. And if you have boundaries yourself - if age-gap ships skeeve you out - then that doesn’t make you a bad person or even an anti! Just block as needed, talk to friends if you feel betrayed by them, and recognize what it is you don’t like and that you don’t have to like it.

Selfshipping? Do what you want. Again, I might personally have reservations about shipping with somebody too young (I actually perceived my own main f/o as in his twenties when I first watched his source, then saw Word of God say he was NINETEEN actually, even though that invalidates many many jokes about how he’s bad at adulting, so I just said “fuck it” and he’s at least 24 to me because that makes more sense and is more of my comfort zone). But what I like shouldn’t dictate what YOU do. I might give you a little side-eye if you’re shipping with somebody young, but I don’t know your reasons for doing so and I don’t have the right to judge. I might distance myself from certain situations if I’m feeling skeeved out. Or I might not feel skeeved out depending on how it’s handled. I also again would raise a brow if you’re selfshipping with an opposite-gender gay character, but same principle: you have your reasons, you shouldn’t stop because some rando (me) has an issue with your ship, and if I have a problem with how you handle it, I’ll just peace out on my end and not make a deal out of it.

A lot of this comes from the fact that I have mega OCD and I already try to moralize everything I do and hyper-analyze my choices to make sure I am being a Good Person. If I try to follow the “rules” to make my ships palatable to everyone, then I start worrying that any deviation makes me unforgivable. The vast majority of ships in my deck are squeaky-clean and have no problems, but sometimes I’ll get, like...Ventus/Papyrus, where Ven is 15, and Papyrus is in age limbo but I always thought he was at least 18, and then I don’t want to spiral into a moral crisis because I really think it would be cute to put the anime boy with the skeleton and I think they’re both asexual anyway. Or when I aged up Zevon from Descendants in order to make him make more sense as Yzma’s son, and then I had to give him a ship with an adult and I found one I really like (Kamdor from Power Rangers). And this is not even scratching the very complex issue of “The writers of this piece of fiction were ACTUALLY horny for incest and I can see the subtext for it and now I gotta figure out what to do with this mess because I like the series and I do want the characters to have partners who will treat them right.”

That said...up until recently, I looked up to the more extreme proship community, even so far as to kinda be more of an “anti-anti.” But as time went on, that...didn’t seem to fit. I’ve unfollowed a few of those blogs now because first of all, proshipping as a “political party” seems to come with some things I don’t believe in, such as forming a parasocial relationship with AO3 or saying that freedom of fans to ship what they want means the creators of mainstream media should be allowed to portray whatever they want and that being “critical of media you consume” is an automatic dogwhistle for bullies. More importantly: I have at least one friend who I know leans more anti, and I value her a lot and I think it’s valid for her to have her boundaries. After a while, the things that anti-antis did to protect themselves from bullying started to feel a little bit like bullying right back. I can’t really call myself a traditional proshipper anymore, even though I’m definitely not an anti. But I don’t want to be an “anti-anti” either. Because actually, I USED to be an anti on a different social media platform long before Tumblr, and though I can’t tell you exactly why I was that way, I can understand what it’s like to feel that strongly about things that gross you out and want to get them out of your face. I don’t want to say I’m against a whole bunch of people who are probably as varied in intensity as proshippers are.

At the end of the day, what I want is for us all to CHILL OUT. Can we please, PLEASE just focus on having fun in whatever way that comes - problematic ships or no - so long as people IRL aren’t getting hurt? Can we respect that there are probably a LOT of people with OCD on social media who spiral easily if shamed too much (which is probably how the anti movement rose in the first place - I’m sure my anti phase was fueled by my secular scrupulosity)? Can we not assume that people who ship weird age gaps are Actual Pedophiles, which is an entirely separate issue? (Listen...I grew up in the Age of AkuRoku. I hated AkuRoku. But if all the AkuRoku shippers turned out to be pedos, well, the news sure didn’t cover it. I’m saying the majority of them didn’t. And it’s been a decade.) Can we not spread the fear of being cancelled or that having a certain fictional preference will ruin a budding friendship? Can we communicate with one another in private if a friend says or does something that makes you uncomfortable, such as shipping something that makes you question their moral stance? Can actual legitimate creators of media not take sides in the goddamn pro/anti war, thereby making groups of their fans feel alienated from being welcomed by the source? Can we just have fun PLEASE?

Also, just...stop fighting about Reylo. That’s the dumbest thing to fight over and we managed to somehow get the actual SW crew in on that dumbass fight. Some people like Reylo and some people hate Reylo and THAT’S IT. WE’RE DONE HERE.

It sure says something that I worry, before hitting the Post button, that this might ruin some of the relationships I have or inspire a mass exodus of the followers whose names I come to like seeing in my notifications. But it’s ultimately better for all of us if I’m honest.

[britneyfanforever]

The Power Struggle Behind Britney Spears' Conservatorship Saga

There are several parties jockeying for control of Spears' world, and it's hard to tell which one of them she's aligned with. 

 Rag Time is a bi-weekly media investigation of a single celebrity story that's vastly more in-depth than you ever thought you needed. This week: Britney Spears' ongoing conservatorship.

There is perhaps no greater tabloid figure than Britney Spears. From her relationship with Justin Timberlake to her 55-hour Vegas marriage to her mid-aughts partying with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, just about every aspect of her personal life has been documented and dissected byUs Weekly, Perez Hilton, and TMZ, since she broke out as a mega-star in her teens.

In recent years, however, Britney enjoyed a period of relative quiet: She was engaged in a successful Vegas residency, dated a nice-seeming 25-year-old fitness enthusiast, and posted fun memes on Instagram. She seemed to be doing so well, in fact, that fans and journalists started to question the necessity of her conservatorship, which was put in place by her family in 2008 when she was struggling from an undisclosed mental illness and substance abuse issues. For the last 11 years, Britney’s father Jamie Spears has served as her conservator, tightly controlling all aspects of her personal life and finances. The situation has always been confusing for fans (and the media)—traditionally, conservatorships are used to protect the elderly or extremely ill, and Britney has never fit the category.

Now, Britney and the details of her unique situation are back in the tabloids, as she is legally challenging her conservatorship for the first time. How did she get to this point?

Things seemed to change for Britney at the beginning of this year, when she announced that she was cancelling her new Vegas residency to spend time with her dad, who was struggling with his health after being hospitalized for a colon rupture. Around the same time—according to TMZ—Britney’s cocktail of psychiatric medications started to lose efficacy, which led her to check into a mental health facility for a 30-day stay in April. She has since returned home and started the process to formally end her conservatorship. While she hasn’t spoken publicly about this legal challenge, reports suggest that she is determined to gain more freedom, even as she seems to be struggling with her mental health.

What is going on with her? And who’s controlling the narrative? Let’s try to make sense of what’s happening between the cover lines.

People gets the first scoop

At the beginning of April, Britney announced on Instagram—her preferred way of connecting with fans and the media over the last few years—that she was taking a little “me time” in the wake of her father’s illness. People quickly followed up that post with an exclusive report stating that she had checked into an undisclosed mental health facility for a 30-day stay. (The report did not cite a specific source, but it's likely the story came directly from someone on Britney’s team— People is the preferred tabloid of celebrity publicists, especially when it comes to delivering potentially scandalous or controversial updates on a celeb’s life.) A source told the tabloid that Britney was getting “all-encompassing wellness treatment” and that “there is nothing dramatic going on with her—she just realized she needs to make sure to take time to care for herself.”

Hardcore Britney fans didn’t buy this sanitized statement, however. Shortly afterPeople’s report came out, hosts of the fan-led podcast Britney’s Gram made the startling—and as yet unproven —claim that Britney was being held against her will at the facility. The conspiracy-laden podcast reignited the #FreeBritney movement on social media and prompted a wave of tabloid coverage about Britney’s conservatorship that has yet to die down. (#FreeBritney has been around and vocal, to varying degrees, since Britney’s conservatorship was put in place in 2008. Vulture has a good primer on the movement here).

In the wake of this controversy, People has continued to provide positive updates about Britney’s life. In the last week, the outlet has published four (four!) separate stories online about how Britney has a great relationship with her fitness enthusiast boyfriend, Sam Asghari. “There is no question that Sam is great for Britney,” a “Spears family source” told the tabloid earlier this week. “He is very motivated to stay healthy and fit, and they often work out together.” So … that’s good, at least?

TMZ takes Jamie’s side

TMZ, meanwhile, has presented a more dire view of Britney’s situation. Picking up right where they left off with their coverage of her unfortunately public breakdown in 2007, the site has been posting round-the-clock about her conservatorship battle. Based on the exclusives the site has gotten so far, it looks like TMZ has a direct line to someone in Britney’s camp. (The site was the first to report that the pop star was having issues with her medication leading up to her stay in a mental health facility, intel that’s now been confirmed by People and other tabloids). So who’s TMZ talking to? Someone who seems to be very sympathetic to Jamie Spears.

TMZ has posted dozens of stories about Britney since she checked into the facility last month, and together they form a three-part narrative that goes something like this: 1) Britney is currently making bad decisions about her health, 2) Jamie has been the best thing for Britney since he became her conservator in 2008, and 3) the conservatorship should continue, despite what other people close to Britney (like her mom, Lynne) might think. According to TMZ, Lynne, who divorced Jamie in 2002, has been staying with Britney since she left the mental health facility and advocating for her in court. But this is not a good thing, per TMZ’s sources. Here’s how the gossip site summed up the current state of affairs in a post from last week:

“As we reported, Britney is not doing well after her 30-day stay at a mental health facility. As we told you, her meds stopped working and doctors have been unable to find the right combination of drugs. As one source said, ‘Britney is making bad decisions and it's a problem.’

Jamie has been trying to provide structure and discipline, and we're told the conflict is that he believes Lynne is way too permissive and just wants Britney to like her.”

TMZ’s sources have also tried to undercut Lynne’s connection to Britney, claiming that the two have been somewhat estranged since Britney broke up with Justin Timberlake in 2002. In a post suggesting that Britney is “using” her mom to gain more freedom, the site noted that Lynne “used to be extremely close to Britney, but when Britney and Justin Timberlake broke up back in 2002, the singer cut her mom out of her life. Their relationship has been spotty ever since ... we're told Lynne hadn't seen Britney for around a year.”

But Us Weekly says....

TMZ has dominated the coverage of Britney’s conservatorship battle, but all the other tabloids are covering it as well. Us Weekly, it seems, has a line into Lynne’s camp. Last week, the tabloid reported that Lynne has Britney’s “best interest at heart” and that commentary that she is being too permissive with her is false.

“Reports that Lynne is trying to help Britney loosen the constraints of the conservatorship are false,” a source told the tabloid. “If anything, Lynne wants Britney back in treatment, and that angers Britney.”

Us Weekly has also exclusively reported on Kevin Federline’s view of the situation. Kevin, who has had full custody of his two sons with Britney since Britney’s conservatorship began in 2008, is apparently limiting Britney’s visits with her children while she recovers. “Kevin won’t allow the boys to spend more time with their mother until Britney is once again stable and therapeutic on medication,” a source told the tabloid. “He allows the boys to spend time with Britney, but it’s at his discretion.”

What about Britney?

Looking out over the tabloid landscape, it’s clear that People is getting official updates from Britney’s PR, TMZ is getting Jamie’s view of the situation, and Us Weekly has sources connected to Lynne and Kevin. But none of the tabloids are talking to Britney directly, save for this week, when, in response to conversationabout whether or not she'd ever perform again, she told a paparazzo in a drive-by that "of course" she would. Instead, she has been using Instagram to connect with her fans since she left the mental health facility earlier this month.

On April 23, she posted a video on Instagram where she indirectly responded to the #FreeBritney movement, telling fans “all is well” and that “my family is going through a lot of stress and anxiety lately and I just need time to deal.” In the caption, she added, “You may not know this about me, but I am strong, and stand up for what I want!”

Since she’s been home from the mental health facility, she has posted selfies with her fitness enthusiast boyfriend, Sam Asghari, and videos of herself doing yoga outside and dancing to Michael Jackson in a home gym. At least one of the videos was filmed over a year ago, per The Blast. And it may not even be Britney who is sharing these snippets with the world. Here’s a tidbit from all the TMZ coverage that seems to be getting overlooked: According to a source connected to Jamie, Britney doesn’t even have a smartphone.

In a post about Britney “using” her mom Lynne to gain more freedom in court, TMZ provided previously unknown details about the pop star’s phone usage. “Our sources say Jamie is alarmed Britney is using Lynne to get more freedom, during a period where her judgment is extremely bad,” the site reported last week. “She's not allowed to drive with her phone -- security stopped her after she was caught texting and driving a week ago. Security takes her phone when she takes the wheel. By the way ... Britney doesn't have a smartphone -- only a flip phone -- because of what she might do if she has access to the internet.”

Over the weekend, a source told the tabloid that Britney has been asking for an iPhone, but “Jamie has put the kibosh on that because of concerns over social media and people with ulterior motives contacting her.”

At this point, Britney seems to be talking about her current situation only in the courtroom. Last Friday, she attended a closed hearing about her conservatorship with Jamie and Lynne, who has petitioned the court to see Britney’s medical records. (So far, Lynne has not attempted to join Jamie as a co-conservator, but she has shown an interest in becoming more involved in Britney’s care.) According to multiple tabloids, Britney asked the judge for more personal freedoms under her conservatorship—a request that was denied. But the judge did order an expert evaluation in the case, which would be the first step toward ending the conservatorship all together. People reported that Britney left the LA courtroom “comfortable, happy and glowing.”

[moiraineswife]

FORTY FUCKING SEVEN

47) Do you have any f/f or m/m ships?

Funny you should ask Alicia....

I’m gonna section this off because like Organisation.

F/F:

Right, first off, if they’re not related, and they’re ladies....assume I ship them in some capacity okay. But my faves...

ToG:

Manon/Elide: my main ladies forever lowkey sad/bitter that they aren’t canon. QoS is still the gayest thing I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life okay. The tower rescue scene was...everything. And Abraxos loves her too??? And so does Asterin? And they both drive so much of each other’s character development and fulfil so many of each other’s needs and I just *never stops screaming about malide*

Aelin/Manon: I feel like this should be self-explanatory like...u did witness that one scene in QoS did you not???  You know the one.

Aelin/Lysandra: also...self-explanatory.

Lysandra/Nesryn: LOOK THIS ONE IS REALLY ADORABLE OKAY??? and there’s fanart for it that’s forever branded into my mind because it too is adorable. Like there’s that one scene in QoS where Nesryn escorts Lys home and looks after her and I’m just like...yep that’ll do. But also it’d be cute?? Lysandra dressing Nesryn up in all these really fancy dresses and Nesryn just being -_- but doing it anyway because it makes Lys happy. Lys watching Nesryn train and just...drooling a little bit. Ladies being SO SUPPORTIVE OF THE OTHERS WANTS AND NEEDS THERE IS NO JUDGEMENT THERE IS ONLY SUPPORT. and really good sex.

mmm those are my main ToG ones (I’m probably missing sixteen different things but anyways)

ACOTAR:

ehehehhehe *rubs hands together with glee*

Mor/Nesta: tbh if you’ve been following me for any length of time and you don’t know I’m trash for this ship...well how??? I’ve written like...bucketloads of sin for them I mean? Also like, speaking of that sin this ship started as a vague hmm okay this might be kinda fun musing and turned into....domestic wives. because like..if you don’t need domestic, happily married mesta in your life then you’re doing it wrong okay you just are. they’re beautiful. tiny fierce hellcat and her court of nightmares princess it’s LITERALLY EVERYTHING. They balance each other out really well too? Mor’s composed fire and Nesta’s wild ice. But they both have a lot in common too? I think they’re actually both pretty reserved, for all that Mor wears her heart on her sleeve that doesn’t mean she lets anyone know her or truly lets them in or trust them. And Nesta is trapped behind a bigger wall of ice than Jon Snow and I just *sobs* love them opening up to one another and trusting one another and just fiercely defending the other against any man who dares look at them the wrong way. Also really hot sex. Like that’s just a given. 

Mor/Elain: this one is @pterodactylichexameter‘s fault (most of these are your fault too, you know this Alicia) and it’s one of those things I just...enjoy any which way really? I just like them spending time together it’s really sweet? They just get on, there’s no drama, there’s no upset everything is just happy and mellow and nice and it’s lovely. (Except for when Elain ties Mor up in bed but you know, that’s a different story. Ahem) Please imagine morain as roommates though (Alicia this one’s your fault too) and sleepy Elain, hopeless gardener Mor (really, she’s terrible, Elain despairs) and holding hands and lazy morning sex, and colour-coordinated outfits okay. And giggly slow-dancing at Rita’s and eskimo kisses and just THEY’RE DRIPPING WITH SWEETNESS YET SOMEHOW I ALWAYS WANT MORE. (bonus consideration: Mor/Lucien/Elain ot3. Because. Mhm. I have many ot3s. Except more bonuses. They’re great fun.) 

Mor/Feyre: what you should be getting from this so far is that Mor is bi af. Ahem, for the most part I will admit that I sorta prefer this one as platonic actually? They have...such a deep meaningful friendship and it’s beautiful? but at the same time I just cannot ignore the fact that the first time Feyre sees Mor she just....yep, this is Rhys’s female equivalent in the looks department....Not your most heterosexual thought ever, Feyre darling.  

Listen, there aren’t enough non-related ladies in this thing for me to happily ship it’s very upsetting. (ie we’re now moving on to the dudes) 

M/M: 

ToG: 

Chaol/Aedion: Look, I can’t re-read HoF and not ship Chaol and Aedion I just can’t. (Also they’re both bi af so that helps) but it just. look HoF does all my explaining for me just like re-read it with a Chaedion lens, you’ll have a lot more fun I promise. 

Rowan/Gavriel: listen, my first thought when Gavriel appeared (and Aelin’s first thought too god bless you child) was: okay so this is gay. I never quite got over that. Also I refuse to believe that these two were like...emotionally and dramatically tattooing each other for the past century, half naked, in a small space with one another and things never got steamy I just don’t okay. I’m not letting go of this hc. You can’t make me.  

...this is apparently all I can think of for ToG. Which is sad. I need to pull up my ship socks. Moving on. 

ACOTAR: 

oh boy...brace yourselves. 

Lucien/Andras: my boys, my sweet boys, my prince, my sentry, my fox, my wolf, MY SONS. I’ve waffled about these two before but they just have...a truly wonderful dynamic. Because Andras in all his chill, affable, unflappable, loyal, wondrous glory is the only one who can deal with Lucien when he is young...and even more of a little prick than he is currently. And they’re dripping in angst which appeals to me as well (why do I always get attached to ships that are literally dead before we even meet them....Don’t answer that I know why) we could be here for some time if I go into details so I will just..move on. (Also, please read the scene where Lucien finds out Andras is dead with the idea that he was secretly in love with him...makes everything ten times more painful and make much more sense) (double bonus: please consider the world’s most pure and adorable ot3: Lucien/Elain/Andras) 

Lucien/Rhys: hehehehehhe I love this ship. I’ve lowkey loved this ship There’s just...nothing heterosexual about their first scene together in ACOTAR. Nothing. At all. And these two have a History with one another. Also it’s just like snark to the power of twenty. really hot sex. and angst. what’s not to like??? (mega double bonus points: Feyre/Rhys/Lucien....don’t....get me started...on that ship. just. don’t. just take my word for it that it’s MAGICAL) 

Lucien/Tarquin: shout out to @valamerys she gets full credit for this one I’m just putting it on here because I really like it toooo. 

Bonus OT3s: 

because this is where the real magic happens let’s be honest. I’m just going to mash all of these together. 

Chaol/Nesryn/Dorian: I don’t really ship Chaol and Dorian on their own (romantically) as it happens. But fling a little Nesryn in there and I’m sold. Just...the image of Nesryn having these two boys wrapped around her little finger is...too delicious not to ship.  

Mor/Dorian/Azriel: (Alicia’s fault tooooo...just assume everything from here on out is Alicia’s fault. also if you haven’t read Alicia’s doriel fic a)- you have not lived b)-do that now) Dorian would 10000% fall into a foreign kingdom, find the two hottest people around and proceed to have incredible sex with them this thing writes itself tbh.  

Lucien/Aedion/Elain: this is like the mother of all cross-over ships okay. (And mine and Alicia’s favourite child. you shouldn’t have favourites. but we do) Elain with these two towering males attending to her every want and whim is...something special. And Aedion and Lucien have enough fire themselves to be able to handle the other. And they just work...incredibly well when you write them, they flow very nicely. Bit more emotional than doriel toooo these three would definitely set up house together and go the whole hog of just becoming a happy little poly amorous unit. This mostly consists of Elain bossing the two of them around and them waiting on her hand and foot and being delighted to do this. 

Lucien/Andras/Elain: look I’m aware I already mentioned this lot but they are Special and they needed to be mentioned again okay. Andras is gay af but that isn’t stopping them, he and Elain still very much love each other and work together very well (they’re a nice little....moment of peace amidst the chaotic hurricane that being with Lucien always is. they take nice quiet walks around the gardens...and Elain enjoys sitting with wolf!Andras to watch over her while she reads outside) And the three of them together just balance and work so well??? it’s beautiful and just THEY’RE SO PURE. THE PUREST OF PURE. *starts sobbing over the twenty ‘Andras lives’ AUs we have so far composed*  

...I think I’m going to end on that beautiful, pure note. there is no topping Elandras. 

[shakeurspeare]

hi i feel really dumb about dating and it’s making me pretty sad but also I found someone who feels the same and we’re probs gonna drink about it this weekend so that’s nice to look forward to 

so like. in middle school my logic was that I feel equally attracted to guys as to girls so obviously I’m bi, right?? bc when i thought about it at the time like I could definitely see myself being close to girls and guys were just this mystery group but like sometimes i got crushes i think so that made the most sense

and then in high school i realized that the reason i’m equally attracted to guys and girls is that i’m actually not attracted to either haha whoops and i haven’t actually wanted to date any specific guys since like early elementary school (and does that really even count???) so i guess I’m ace and homoromantic bc that makes the most sense

so then i get to college and a couple people have asked me out in the past few years but mostly I avoid people who might make a move or like... act differently until I’m positive they don’t wanna ask me out anymore. and that’s fine. I don’t have time to figure out my issues with vulnerability and why the thought of sex freaks me out like nothing else. I have friends and i’m not too lonely and things are fine

but THEN last year i met this guy at band camp. literally within the week i was determined that this kid is gonna be my friend, god dammit. He’s kinda quiet, kinda solemn, but sarcastic and funny and really nice and willing to do a lot for everyone, including strangers and people who have done him wrong. he’s into magic and dnd and overwatch and pro-gaming but he also is very aware of the issues within the communities and he’s very outspoken about all kinds of equality. basically, he’s a funny liberal nerd who has good fashion sense and cares a lot about other people. i’m going off on a tangent because i’m dumb and i don’t give myself many opportunities to gush about him

so we become friends (it’s slow-going, there’s a lot of times that i’m worried he’ll think I’m hitting on him or being creepy, a few times where i feel like i overstepped because i’m an anxious idiot who doesn’t actually know how to pursue a friendship that doesn’t come naturally and he naturally assumes that people don’t strongly want to be his friend) and by the end of the season we’re close enough that we’ve made a group of four to room together for a band trip.

last spring i realized that like... i really wouldn’t mind dating him. it’s just a small thought in the back of my head. the thought of sex still terrifies me, that’s still out of the question, but i like, want to hold his hand and be able to tell him he’s cute and i love when he dorks out and i love that he has all these random history and mechanical knowledge that makes its way into our conversations. but i’m also 1000% down to stay friends, in fact that’s preferable because I don’t know the first thing about being in a relationship, and it took so long to get to being friends that there’s no room in my mind to think that he would want to date. we also talk a lot about his dating life because he’s had some bad relationships in the past and he doesn’t think he’s good at it and it’s something that’s on his mind a lot. but he’s mentioned enough about his dating preferences that i have sincere doubts that he’d like me enough to get over his dislike of dating friends. so we’re fine, and I stop thinking about it

i sublet his apartment from him for the summer and we see each other probably two weeks total out of the summer break; sometimes he comes back to the apartment for events going on, i go to his hometown for a festival, we meet somewhere in the middle to see a dci show. but we’re texting every day, usually something near morning time and a decent conversation in the afternoon/evening and it’ll go into the night when (usually) i fall asleep in the middle of a conversation that i’ll respond to the next morning. rinse, recycle, repeat. i haven’t enjoyed texting someone so frequently, like, ever. near the end of the summer we talk on the phone a couple times, because he’s more stressed about things and he has like an hour and a half commute around the same time that i get out of lab and it’s a lot easier to call than for him to use talk-to-text. it’s nice.

band camp this year was super stressful. we’re both on staff so we spend a lot of the day separately handling things and getting to know people and doing what needs to be done, then we’d get (second) dinner after that and chat. he doesn’t feel like he can fill the previous section leader’s shoes. i’m optimistic and i believe that the staff are rough but manageable. we spend about ten days going to bed at 1 or 2, waking up at 6 or 7, and spending the rest of our time running around and playing music and getting to know 10 new members and welcoming back the other 20 members of the section. it’s tiring; we both got sick during it and tbh i don’t think either of us are 100% over it

i start spending a lot more time at the apartment, even though i have a job at my dorm. at some point i’m pretty sure i was sleeping over 3 or 4 nights a week. i would go a whole weekend without stepping foot in my dorm. we start getting more touchy. it’s small at first, but it gets to the point where we’ll do that hand touching thing that i really like, where we just put our hands together and fiddle with each other’s fingers (i don’t actually know what to call it, it’s just me fiddling and twitching but with the bonus of human contact) or he’ll give me a shoulder rub because i seem stressed. but also sometimes he’ll pull away suddenly or i’ll try to give him a shoulder rub and he’ll make a joke “you know how i feel about being touched” and he’ll move away. and i do know how he feels about being touched: it’s something that, other than some casual touches (a hand on the shoulder, that sort of thing), he only does with someone he’s dating. but also he’s initiating a lot of this, so maybe he’s branching out from that ideology? or maybe he’s interested in me? or maybe he just doesn’t know how to tell me that he’s super uncomfortable with me touching him and he really would like us to go back to not touching??? so i spend a few days stressing that i’m being a mega creep before he starts a convo about it and explains. us being touchy is nice but he feels like he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too because it’s something he’d only do with someone he’s dating and sometimes he does it and it’s like 30% unconscious and that wigs him out

so obviously the answer is that we (essentially) stop touching and that could be that but i’m dumb and i want to double check so i ask if it’s because he doesn’t want us to date and he says yeah, us dating really isn’t in his plan and sorry if that’s hurtful, and i could also leave it there but i’m like, a super masochist and i like being on the same page with people so i tell him that us dating has been a possibility on my mind and that i’d like to take a few days to like back off and firmly tell myself that we aren’t dating and we won’t be dating and to chill tf out, but i wanted to let him know that’s what i’m doing so i’m not like, backing out of being friends

and we’re both miserable for a week, bc when i try to go back to business as usual he’s acting weird and distant and my immediate assumption is that he decided that i am, in fact, a creep and he no longer wants to be friends with me but dammit, he could at least tell me that instead of looking sad and distant and not talking to me unless it’s band related

so i give him a couple days of that, and we do a campus scavenger hunt together because we had signed up for it before everything crashed on us and we were going to pretend everything is fine, god dammit, except it was awkward and he was sad the whole time and i was hurt and frustrated, but we won like 5th place or something so that was cool

and once the weekend’s over i text him something vaguely along the lines of “so are we still friends or nah” and he tells me he’s been isolating himself and he feels like everyone is better off without him and he needs to stop holding me back and nobody needs him so he should just let us all go. like he’s not suicidal but he’s depressed and bad at realizing people like him. so i go to the apartment and for the first time in like six months i knock on the door because i told him i was coming over but i also feel like he has a right to yell at me to go away through the door if that’s what he’s feeling

but he lets me in and he tells me he should just get out of my way because i don’t need him and i tell him that he’s right, i don’t need anyone. this isn’t about need. but i sure as hell enjoy having him as a friend and i’ve been miserable this past week when that was taken away from me, and he just told me he’s been miserable too, so why the fuck should we both be miserable when we could just stop being dumb and be friends again

but also now we’re both miserable (for external reasons, mostly) and i don’t want to stop hanging out so much because i feel like we both need it, but i also need to stop because it doesn’t seem to bother him but it sure as hell has me confused because i can’t stop thinking that we might as well be dating but if we were dating then i’d actually get to hug him and cuddle and tell him i love him

and i feel like he doesn’t really have other people to hang out with and i don’t really feel like i have that either and maybe that’s all the more reason for us to back off a little bit more but i don’t want to. i’m very weak and tired and i just want someone to hug me for 30 minutes and it’s not going to be him and i don’t think it’s going to be anyone rn so i’m just constantly sad and in need of a hug that will never come

i think i need to have another good sob session on someone but i’m fresh out of people that i’m comfortable doing that to, both in the sense that i don’t want to be vulnerable enough to cry on anyone and that the one person i would be willing to do that to is someone who doesn’t need to hear all about how i can’t get the fuck over him

[baggererickson4-blog]

Medical Marijuana Goes Mlm?

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