#mine is has ‘i lie awake when im alone and i picture us’ and his is ‘i spend nights thinking of you’

[axolot-of-ideas]

why do i feel like his status is like that to spite me

WAIT A MINUTE

IS IT??

[twink-frank]

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself  but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

[flokive]

lie to me II - Youngblood

description: part two of my internet bff au featuring ashton irwin // the fight between james and elisabeth left liz feeling lonely and numb. it doesn’t really help that her best friend, fletcher, really wants to know what happened and wants to help, even though he lives in australia and liz lives in europe...  writers note: yay! in honor of soft!ashton thursdays here’s the second chapter of lie to me :) don’t really have a lot to say, just a quick thank you to my loves @ashtonsos​ and @easierlftv​ for proof reading this <3 // enjoy! hope y’all like it, and, please, don’t worry... fletcher will be more prominent in the story soon...  wordcount: 1358

++

“Remember the words you told me, love me 'til the day I die Surrender my everything 'cause you made me believe you're mine Yeah, you used to call me baby, now you calling me by name Takes one to know one You beat me at my own damn game”

---

                                                                                fletchersthoughts

liz? hello? well, you sure know how to get a man eager with anticipation…

...

umm, earth to liz? where are you?

…

ok, i’m starting to get worried. liz???

… 

liz, please just message me back. i have got to get some sleep, it’s almost 3am here… love you!!! bye

Liz has been sitting on the floor, numb and empty until her thoughts are interrupted by the smell of burning sauce. As quick as she possibly can, she jumps to her feet and turns off the stove, watching the steam escaping the now blackened pasta sauce. Too tired from the fight to clean up the kitchen mess, she leaves the saucepan on the stove, cracks the window to let the bad smell escape the kitchen, and plumps down on the couch, feeling numb and unable to do anything else. 

Liz jolts awake, the sudden movement making her wince. A quick glance at the clock informs her it’s 3 am, the outside world is dark and cold, apart from the spots on the street that are lit up by the street lights. The house is quiet, Liz calls for James, her voice echoes in their empty apartment, and no one responds. He’s still gone and she’s all alone again. A lonely yet guilty feeling washes over Liz as she closes her eyes and rubs her neck, trying to ease the pain caused by the weird sleeping position on the couch. As she slowly rises to her feet, a sad sob leaves her throat when she looks at the kitchen mess. Quickly she turns off the kitchen lights, trying to ignore the mess and the guilt that comes with it. If she just did something else this night, if she just ignored Fletcher this one time, none of this would’ve happened. In the dark, the apartment feels even colder than it did before, maybe even more terrifying than before. Liz rests her head against the doorframe that separates the kitchen with the hallway to their, maybe now only her, bedroom. When she slowly opens the door to the master, her eyes meet the mess James created. Clothes are flung everywhere, a picture frame lies on the ground, the glass shattered and James’ bedside table is cleared. With tears burning in her eyes she tries to pick up the pieces of the picture frame, carefully to let the sharp glass cut her hands, a sad sigh leaves her mouth when she puts the glass shards on her bedside table. She slowly seats herself down on the bed, holding her head between her hands. Salty tears stream down her face when she thinks about everything that’s been said and done. The thoughts if she could’ve done anything different re-enter her mind as she lays down, dragging her blanket over her head, trying to just forget the world for a moment. 

The first thing Liz does when she wakes up is checking her phone, wondering if James has sent any messages since their fight last night. Her inbox is empty, apart from Fletcher’s seven un-read messages she chose to ignore last night. She clicks on the bolded notification and reads them slowly, after staring at the words for a while she decides to not reply yet, not wanting to talk about the events of last night. Since it’s Saturday and Liz doesn’t have anywhere to go she ends up scrolling through her Tumblr dashboard. Reblogging every sad quote she reads. A small smile appears on Liz's face, remembering how her 17-year-old self would’ve been doing the exact same thing, laying in bed, scrolling endlessly through the same site, using it as some sort of coping mechanism. Her phone chimes and on top of her screen a new message from Fletcher appears. Liz closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and decides to finally reply.

                                                                                fletchersthoughts liz?? i see you reblogging, i know you read my messages so i KNOW you’re awake.  please just give me some sort of sign of life, please?

queenliz hey fletch im sorry busy night, james didn’t feel good returning from work we fell asleep early

The lies are bad and Liz feels guilty for lying to her closest friend but she just can’t handle talking and thinking about the events of last night. Her phone chimes again, knowing it’s Fletcher, she decides to ignore him once again. Hoping he would get the hint and leave her alone today. A rumbling sound from her tummy interrupts her thoughts, reminding her she hasn't eaten a thing since last night. Liz changes yesterday's clothes for some comfy leggings and a black crewneck sweater. Before leaving to get some breakfast, she washes the mascara stained tears away, grabs her wallet, and leaves the damned apartment. 

Liz makes her way to the local coffee shop, orders a big iced coffee, a freshly baked croissant and strolls back home. Whilst munching down on her breakfast she looks at the city waking up. The events from last night fresh in her brain Liz decides to take the long way home, through the park, trying to clear her brain and understand everything that happened last night.

Halfway home, Liz plumps down on a wooden bench and starts to pick apart the last bit of her croissant, throwing some it at some doves in front of her. The peaceful sounds of the park finally give her time to process the events of last night. Every word, every action that happens plays in slow-motion in her head, it’s like she’s watching a really bad movie but she can’t find the remote to switch the channels. A feeling of guilt and sadness gnaws in her brain when she thinks how badly she treated her best friend. How bad her lies were, how she bluntly ignored the man who has always been there for her. Slowly she takes her phone out of her pocket and opens the last unread message Fletcher send her, saying he doesn’t quite believe her, and she starts writing an apology.

queenliz so... you’re right, i kind of lied to you this morning… we didn’t really fell asleep early last night we had a fight, a horrible one, i might add i think  god fletch, i think we broke up.. 

Liz looks up from her screen, tears forming in her eyes, making her vision blur. She quickly wipes away the tears before they spill over her cheeks. With shaking hands, she continues explaining what happened the night before. As per usual, Fletcher doesn't take longer than a minute to reply. 

                                                                                  fletchersthoughts he did WHAT?! he threw a fucking glass at your head? what the fuck was this guy thinking?? liz... fuck… 

queenliz i’m okay fletch, really don’t worry about me, i didn’t get hurt so it’s fine

                                                                                fletchersthoughts you didn’t get hurt so it’s all fine?! that’s fucking bullshit liz and you know it HOW am i supposed to not worry about you liz? fuck.

Liz huffs annoyed, re-reading the message Fletcher just send her. Her fingers fly over the keyboard when she writes her response.

queenliz please fletcher, don’t be so fucking dramatic i fucking said i was fine, so i am doing fine leave me be and please stop worrying about me, it’s getting on my fucking nerves  idk if you know this, but i can take care of myself.

Liz’s fingers hover above the keyboard, debating whether or not telling Fletcher to leave her alone, to stick his nose into someone else’s business. Her bottom lip rolls back and forth between her teeth, a metallic flavor reminding her she should probably stop nibbling on her lips and make a decision. Her thumb lays on top of the lock button and her other thumb hovering back and forth over the backspace and send button. Her phone buzzes in her hands, letting her know that Fletcher is sorry for being so protective and that he understands Liz might not be ready to talk about things today. A soft smile appears on her lips for the first time in, what feels like ages. Quickly she deletes the message and sends him a brief thank you, before locking her phone and standing up to head home again.

++

taglist: @cthofficial​ - @calmlftv​ - @kingcals​ - @spicycal​ - @another-lonely-heart​

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[yenni19]

Chapter 18

The next few days Sarutobi teaches Mariana to cook, its the day of the gathering and Sarutobi is at Mariana's house overseeing her cooking skills

Sarutobi(tasting her dishes): wow...im impressed...you did very well Mariana...so how are the desserts coming along?

Mariana: i have a cake in the oven and one already finished...do you want to help me decorate it?

Sarutobi: sure let me lend a hand

They finish decorating the cake, suddenly Ms Angelo comes in, she sees Mariana in the kitchen

Sabrina: you know how i feel about....

Sarutobi(greeting her): hi I'm Sarutobi Akamaris....

Sabrina(irritated): I know who you are....mr playboy....your Akamaris lover aren't you?

Sarutobi(irrtiated and calm): no ms Angelo...I'm Akamari's younger brother

Sabrina(scoffs): you two look nothing alike...

Sarutobi(taking out his phone): here let me show you (shows her a picture) this is me Akamari and my father at a picnic four years ago....we are half siblings from different mothers

Sabrina: I knew she was adopted...but i never knew her father was Kawaki Madra....the famous villan of terror who almost destroyed the village twenty years ago

Sarutobi(confused): the famous villan?

Sabrina: oh you must not of known....see I have a cousin living there where your family resides....she had came from there when the fight started and came to stay with us here along with many refugees who fled from the terror of the famous villan....the only one who stopped him was a man named Boruto Uzumaki.....it was said many lost thier lives so thats why your father is in debted to the ninth hokage....he will spend his life helping repair what he destroyed....until he dies....its also to make sure he wont turn on the village ever again

Sarutobi: why didnt he tell me this...why hide it...and from me of all people?

Sabrina: some parents just want to protect thier kids from ever finding out the truth....but its best to come clean and not hide a lie that serious

Mariana: I'm sorry Sarutobi....my mother is a straight forward person....(glaring at her mother) sometimes too honest

Sarutobi: its ok...should we continue to decorate the second cake

Mariana: sure let me help you ok

They finish decorating the second cake....he helps her set up the table and sets up the appatizers and desserts along with the tea and cookies...her mother's guests arrive and are amazed at how beautiful the decorated table along with the food looks

Amara: omg this looks amazing

Evany: its wonderful like a fairy tale

Mara: its different from your other gatherings...who did all this?

Sabrina: my beloved daughter and her new friend Sarutobi

They look in Mariana's and Sarutobi's direction....they wave and exuse themselves.

Sarutobi: well im heading home...

Mariana(gently grabbing his arm): would you like to go with me to the Art Museum Sarutobi?

Sarutobi(smiling): sure...but is it close by?

Mariana: dont worry well be there and back in no time....I promise you'll have fun

Sarutobi: I would love to go....but how would we get there?

Mariana(holding some keys): we'll take my moms car...dont worry I know how to drive

They head into the city, they stop at a big two story building, they get out of the car and head inside

Sarutobi: its bigger than the art gallery we have back home...and looks more artistic

Mariana: yeah my mom owns this place....she's the art director here...I come by when it's moms day off....come on theres a piece I want to show you

They go to the second floor of the Art Gallery, Sarutobi stops in his tracks, he is shocked when he sees the the piece

Sarutobi: is that love...

Mariana(finishing his sentence): love in a moment....its one I cherish most....since my dad dedicated it to my mom....but they are divorced...because my dad cheated on her

Sarutobi: wait....are you saying your dad is the famous Michale Angelo....your his daughter?

Mariana: yeah....but i dont see him anymore...he left us when my mom got the guts to tell him to go to hell....I kind of get it though she felt like she was a stranger to her husband.....while Souske made her feel whole

Sarutobi(shocked): wait...Akamari's dad had an affair.....with your mom?

Mariana(feeling guilty): oh shit....please dont say anything to her....I thought you knew....dont mention the affair to Akamari....please Sarutobi dont say a word to this....I'm no gossip girl....but keep it between me and you!

Sarutobi: ok I get it....but one question....is Samari the product of that affair....because Akamari's sister looks just like her

Mariana: yes she is....but Samari doesn't know because Souske never told her....when my mom found out she was terrified of what my dad would do....when my dad found out he told her to give that child to her father and to act like it never happened....she objected until my father said he will get rid of her and make sure my mother never saw Samari again....so she had no choice but to tell Souske to get lost and that he'll be able to keep his daughter but that this was the last time they would see eachother....Souske was devastated....and so was my mother....they really loved eachother....but at the time my dad owned everything of my mothers.....and she had no one to help her....so she stopped seeing Souske and got enough evidence on my dad to finally divorce him and keep the gallery that was originally my grandparents

Sarutobi: wow....what a rollercoaster...is that why Akamari was put in her grandparents care for two years?

Mariana: yeah...Souske needed to get it together....and Akamari was showing signs of resentment toward her sister and father...so he thought it would be best for her to be close to the Uzumakis and Uchihas so Akamari wouldnt feel left out....I still remember when she came back two years ago....she looked happier and more calmer than before....she even told me she liked this purple eyed boy with purple hair and that this boy was important to her because it reminded her how she was....and made sure he was feeling loved and accepted by those around him....that she thought it was admirable that he actually loved her eventhough they couldn't be together......

Sarutobi(hugging her): thank you Mariana....you just comfirmed what i wanted to hear from her...thank you (asking) do you think i can get a ride home now?

Mariana: sure Sarutobi....lets go back before i get in trouble for delaying too long with my moms car

Sarutobi: you didnt ask did you?

Mariana: No I did not

Mariana takes Sarutobi home, he heads inside the house where Izuke was waiting for him

Izuke(noticing): someone is in a good mood...had fun wherever you were I presume

Sarutobi(smiling): yeah i did....does Akamari come home tommorrow?

Izuke: yes why do you ask?

Sarutobi (smiling): theres a present I've been meaning to give her since her birthday and i know she's gonna love it

Izuke: ok then...wash up im cooking dinner tonight....oh I amlost forgot Omari my younger brother is...

By the time he looked up Sarutobi was already in his room, the next day Sarutobi was awake and downstairs, but to his surprise Akamari was not alone but with a man taller than Sarutobi with red hair and green eyes patiently waiting for his breakfast

Omari: you done yet kitten wiskers...i cant wait to try that omlet you prepared for me

Akamari(cooking): almost (grabs a plate and hands it to Omari) here omlet and baccon strips just how you like it

Omari: thanks I knew I can count on you (notices Sarutobi) hey babe who's the kid with the purple hair?

Akamari (turning around): oh Sarutobi your up...this is Jerico's younger son Omari Myzuki

Sarutobi (irritated as he shakes his hand): hi Sarutobi Madra Akamari's half brother

Omari(smiling): hi Omari Myzuki.....Akamari's love interest....

Akamari (smaking his head): you better cut it out...I would never date an arrogant brat like you...its bad enough you act like we are a couple and I puch you in public.... so should I tell Mariana that you like her....everytime you see her you mumble like an idiot?

Omari (blushing and angry): you better not threaten me I'm more capable of telling her myself

Sarutobi(laughing): you two act more like siblings....it's funny to watch

Suddely theres a knock at the door Sarutobi opens it's Mariana

Sarutobi(smiling): hey Mariana how your morning...mines a bit interesting at the moment

Mariana: can i come in?

Sarutobi(letting her inside): sure you are more than welcome to

She comes inside, when she reaches the kitchen she says her greetings, as soon as Omari sees her he turns red

Omari(having touble speaking): hi....Mariana....you look cute....I mean hello...I mean hello Mariana

Mariana(blushing): hi Omari....good morning...you look well dressed today

Omari: you look beautiful....I mean you look well dressed too....I'm sorry I'm just nervous

Mariana: its ok if you are i get nervous too (to Sarutobi) do you want to go with me to a poetry slam downtown?

Sarutobi: I would like to but...

Mariana: its ok I'll go on my own

Sarutobi(grabbing Omari's arm): but he would love to accompany you

Omari(blushing red and confused): I would...I mean I really would love to be with you....I mean sure I'll accompany you

Mariana(grabbing his hand): ok then lets go Omari...

Omari(red as a tomato): ok...i guess I would love you.....I mean would love to

Suddenly Omari passes out on the floor

Mariana(shocked): Omari.....Omari are you ok...Omari....Omari!

Akamari(suggesting): would you like to stay over today and spend time with Omari Mariana?

Mariana(blushing): ok yeah...i can go to the poetry slam some other time anyway....I really wanted to ask Omari to go with me...because I like him....he has a sense of humor

Akamari: im glad you said that...because he likes you too

Mariana(excited): really....he does....I thought he just got nervous because he wasnt use to talking to girls

Akamari: trust me he talks to girls....but they are not someone special that he likes...and you just witnessed him mumble like an idiot right in front of you

Sarutobi(carrying Omari from the kitchen to the living room): well let me lay him down at the couch (he places him down) so how about breakfast

Mariana: ok that would be great

[sunnyg-rl]

I feel the need to clarify.

So, I know that my mental illness isn't the exact reason he left. It was that I didn't want to do anything with him, I didn't want to listen to new music, I was always tired, I was always in a shitty mood, etc. These are symptoms of depression and I don't blame him for seeing these things and taking them personally. To the untrained eye, I'll admit, I just seemed like a bitch. So I am kind of proud he decided to walk away. Save himself the experience of dating a bitch. I genuinely understand.

But of course I also know that this was probably not the biggest reason he left. It was me and my ex. I know that. I'm not blind to it. I am genuinely the villain of our story - watch this. I literally hung out with him or texted him almost everyday, when I did hang out with my ex, my partner at the time was sent into a panic. Now, the panic response was not the proper response, but it was a sign that he was not okay with what was happening. As his girlfriend I should have responded to his behavior, and I didn't and I'm so sorry that I didn't.

I left him in the blue when it came to my ex. Like, I told him I was poly, then I asked to hang with my ex, then I started doing it, then I admitted feelings for him again, and then I asked for J to be okay with me dating him (when he wasn't comfortable with the idea of me with anyone else in the first place. Yeah.).

So I pushed boundaries and I made J uncomfortable and I showed a complete disregard for his feelings, because I was hurting so far down that I could barely deal with mine.

In retrospect, I wish that someone in my life would have shook me awake sooner. (Though I completely recognize that it is no ones responsibility to do so.) That way I could have started my meds up sooner, started therapy sooner, and come to the mindset where I am safe and loved and I don't need someone else because the person who loved me was right in front of me and that was more than enough, but I didn't. And the weeks and weeks of slow burning sadness and uneasiness built up. So I get it.

So when I refer to my "mental illness" I mean all of the symptoms of these things and the negative affects they had on us, regardless if they were misunderstood or not, they still hurt J. I still hurt J.

I want to tell him that I text my ex and hang out with him. I had blocked him and deleted his number and unfollowed him on every platform, and then J left for good. I was so alone and sad and not safe by myself that I contacted him and we went and got stoned and I cried while he handed me napkins. So, now, about once a week we hang out and talk. We typically smoke as well. I don't go to his house anymore. I don't spend more than 3 hours with him at a time. And I feel no romantic feelings towards him. Isn't that so fucking funny?

This is my blog so I'll say what I please and the fact that the reason I got dumped is nonexistent (basically) now that Im single is ironic. Because I started taking my meds. Its week 3 an they've integrated into my system well. And now that I'm not so sad that I could die and not care, I don't feel the need for him in my life too much anymore.

I feel secure in myself. I can spend time alone. I can control my emotional outbursts. I can ask for help and not feel like a burden. I can take help, which is actually something I always struggled with, but J taught me that sometimes the people around me want to help and its okay to let them. I can smile and laugh. I can do what I need to get done.

So I know why he left. I do and I can't say I don't. Ive just come to the conclusion that J and I derived different messages and conclusions from our conversations earlier that week. I felt like we were fine because I felt like we had moved into a new era of us. Basically the era of my life Im in now, just with him and everyone is happy again. But it is okay.

Because I can love him. I am not in love with him anymore, and writing that made me cry, perfect example of how the healing process is not linear lol. Anyway, I have begun to let him go. I don't look at photos and videos everyday anymore. We don't talk a lot, but when we do it is friendly. He has always been kind in his way if communication, I have no idea why I thought he was so mean. Anyway!

These are just some thoughts Im thinking while sitting on the floor in the bathroom of my best friends house, looking out the window, and listening to the morning creatures.

A post scripture for you, I have questions and I'll never ask them because whats the point but I have questions for him and I do want answers but like the answers I want you know?

Is my painting still hanging in your room?

Is my painting still hanging in the plant room, the one I made your mom?

Did you throw away the flowers I put on your fridge?

Are the rocks outside still there, or did you get rid of them?

Do you still have our pictures? Where did you put them?

When exactly did you lose feelings for me? Because I couldn't tell you had, even that morning, because you told me you loved me so when? In Michigan we reconnected so I had thought, so was it after that? Before that? Basically, everytime you said you loved me that wasn't true... When did you start lying about it? When did saying "I love you" to me become a lie? How many times did you lie to me?

How did you get over me so fast? I want to get over this fast too. I need your tricks.

How did you get over me so fast? Did you not love me at all?

So. Just some thoughts this morning. No more tears. The sick feeling is subsiding. I learned if I sip water and sit up and stay cool the feeling goes away, hence why I am in the bathroom. Because there are 3 bodies in that bed room right now and it is not cool at all.

Anyway, figured I would write my thoughts down while I tried to feel better.

You know, 'write' , its what I do, its what I love. And it always reminds me of something else. And that makes me sad. But Im okay. Today is a hard day. I may look for some reassurance that he still wants to be my friend. I may need to search for care. That's okay.

Wish me luck.

[twistedesire]

How a Heart Can Shatter

Once upon a time I fell in love With a man i deemed "The one" He was shy and sweet And awkward Just like me I trusted him very much For he was no ordinary man to me He was my first love And now, i fear, my last All i knew of men Was endowed to me by him He was a liar A deceiver And still i endured through many red flags He blocked doorways Stole away my ability to cry for help Trap me in ways with words That made my emotions my very prison I prayed i was not the only one The only girl he hurt But the further i searched the more i realized I'm alone And forever i'll remain as such You see, i'll never fall in love again Who would want a rapist pedophiles trash Who would shoulder my burdens he left me in No one You see I loved a man who admitted to me after 8 years he was looking at children sexually Delving into the confines of his own mind As to why a man would touch him as a boy I thought i could save him Figured time and space would save us from ourselves Instead it drew the poisoned blade of betrayal further into my chest And i'm the barer of the hilt I thought that if we ran off together Like a magical love story Away from the judgement Away from the hate But i could never run from myself The scars on my heart do fester still Every time i gaze upon his pictures They swell up with the deceitful infection he truly is He moved on so fast 8 years Less than a week it took for him to move on And the more i knew of his inability to control himself The more i waited in silence I waited for my friends For any family that truly cared Liar Shit novel apologist Cyber bully Bitch Rude Pity Party Finger pointer I own my lumps The pills do swell in my throat now And i can't comprehend to communicate any further Because how can one speak when all she hears is a cold deadly silence Filled with the echoes of loved ones a girl would die for Only to know that my love cannot be returned How all i needed was a simply hug A gesture of kindness A form of attention to at least show that i know i hurt But i have done what it took to be better Isn't that how justice works? I do wrong I apologize meaningfully Show the change with actions alone Only to see that even though i am human And i make mistakes That i am not allowed to act upon my emotions Dont feel sad Dont get angry Im not feeling anything friend I am nothing... I do not ask for pity I do not ask for sympathy I plead and grovel and beg for your ability to just read my words Know my pain is real And i plead Upon the line that is my life That you belief the words i am about to say Joseph Bass Once a man i loved with all my heart and soul You raped me You cheated on me You lied to me so so so much You robbed me You hurt me You drugged me And now all i can simply say is Thank you Thank you for being the final nail in the coffer I don't need your attention anymore I dont need anyone Or thing I dont need to exist I now can leave this plane of existence Knowing there is worse things in life Than simply death itself That although i drown in my emotions tonight And maybe even more inside my mind And maybe drown physically too I let you go Finally i let you go in my soul I burned your name on a piece of parchment paper With all the reasons i couldn't forgive you And i burned my hand in return I drowned you out of my head When i tried to breathe aquatic air And as i lay sputtering out The liquid that i desperately tried to replace in my lungs From the screams of internal pain of your betrayal I realized I could lay here and die And no one would come save me No one cared.... That the only way a person who truly cared were to know my name anymore Was in a report in a social media group I do not hold a bitter heart I do not speak in spite In fact tears do stream from my eyes tonight As i pick at the few pieces of what hope in humanity i had left The fact that i was even alive I do not comprehend I kept imagining it inside my mind Almost with an empty smile That you never loved me All the times you grabbed me And begged me "please dont cheat on me" As i simply left to lose the weight you complained Got in the way of your fantasies of what you dreamed a woman for you could be You made me feel like if i didn't learn Didn't flourish Didn't grow That i was the perfect one for you In proving in doing nothing Living dead inside That i was proving to you my loyalties As a faithful and honest woman You broke me in ways i wish i could consume cyanide upon And although i do not blame a soul for my pain I give recognition i hurt too That i am human And i feel pain too That empathy is a curse More than a gift And i may make it worse By falling further into darkness That one day i'll see you Face to face And i'll look you in those eyes i compared to "Eyes of a warrior of earth and fire" Only to speak from mine  of "I wish i died before i met you" Because my heart has been broken For the first and last time i'll ever permit it And although i was just a token For you to just simply keep I want you to know You broke the true light in me 8 years And i was the other girl You lusted for a youthful girl Children were not innocent anymore Neither am i Virginity was never my chastity belt My ability to pretend i did not know My ability to act as if their is no evil That my super powers to love beyond all my being Were taken from me in ways that help the dirt upon my coffin splatter harder And when you let me down one last time Please i beg of you Do not leave a rose A letter of love Do not come to see my body that i mutilated Because i wanted to prove to myself That i can only hurt me now That i screamed "i loved you" inside my mind Only to know the words that were spoken upon my lips Were those of all that hurt me in my heart Broke me till i became heartless That you had no respect for even your new mistress And that's what helped me move on And when the day comes If i make it to that day I wanted you to know Thank you anyways For the bloodied sheets The vericrose veins The inability To truly help me The lies you instilled into my drug addled brain And the fact you killed the my inner child that was my last line to be sane And as i lose myself To a darkness i may no return I hope you know that, yes I secretly wanted you to spurn My anger internalized Into bruises upon my own arms and face I can scratch myself till i bleed now And bite till a mere tattoo And all i ask of as a final wish upon my death My love for you Was it worth all this Lying so much that you tainted an already shattered heart That when you deceived me The true betrayal was that i finally felt whole Only to see that it was all an illusion That all i am to you was a concubine to satisfy your affections And when i simply asked in return was for your protection That you too cast me away in ways and words That broke me I finally learned to hurt me by choking myself till i cant see And when i sputter for air and i cry and internally scream I know that i am in a darkness so black That shadows have come for to take my soul back Take me away to another world Take me away from here Take me away from the pain So i dont feel again That when you finally feel any emotion That deems you human Such as true sadness and pain I want to ask you "Does it hurt? Do you want the pain to stop?" Because when i begged you the same You simply replied "No, it feels good" That the moment i came to the realization That my pain had brought you pleasure I realized In the pit of my stomach You did not love me And that to me was rape That as i asked and state "owe stop it hurt" and you replied with your cold cruel callous words I broke off inside my mind To a land of the divine That god needs me now And i dont belong here anymore That apparently it took me to be raped to grow And i dont want to be here In a world of such cruelty Because even as the tears trickle to puddles at my feet I'd rather simply end me So i dont have to ever be seen I tried to do better But i stood up for myself I thought i was finally being brave Instead i was hurting loved ones Without even trying And my anger burned Because it felt like that that was all i was to others A friendly face A giving soul A generous person a smile to ensure your happiness And when you ended it with words such as "i love you as a friend" i knew you did not care any more That you were held back by people who i did not love you either That inside my mind All i can remember is your smiling face And now Every smile is a lie Every human who wants to interact wants something And every face that once meant so much Is now the reason i don't long for another human touch That i lay awake at night Thinking of the things you did to me And how it violates my being And i wish a thousand ways to die to simply end me And tears sting upon my skin And they burn inside my eyes And i am now i realize i the 8th sin One that burns with an endless fire One of immortal pain A twisted desire All it took was one To break a damsel to be a dragon And when you run to another Or get rejected time and time again Remember the woman who filled your fridge Who cleaned your laundry properly Who scrubbed your dishes spic and span Who folded your underwear that special way you like Who rubbed your feet and massaged your back Who helped you up when you could no longer bend straight Who directed you when you were lost Who gave her everything to be your other half Only for her to realize that i was 100% of the connection And all i asked for was my 50% of your simple affection And as my eyes watered up Asking in a voice that croaked "i think i want to die" When you ignored me I just simply broke When you shielded yourself with others While i knew i had no one And all i can think of is of my own mother And how i had to disown Because she is older now And her task is done She raised a woman And i have my own beautiful home That may end as a tomb But i love you mother Friends and family I was just trying to stick up for me And blew up in rage And i apologize for being greedy All i wanted was your affection I know it was very needy I cut out my gluttonous addictions And im sorry i was so prideful Pompous upon my beleif That i did nothing wrong For how you all reacted to me And now i see it and the pain does burn That if i finally quit Its only me i spurn That im so alone that im already dead inside And now im trapped in my home And i feel nothing Even if i am alive That i could be a ghost Wandering around an already empty apartment And what hurts the most Is would anybody even notice?

[amoresomnia]

6/2/21

poor in feelings

poor in cents

  pouring deep

to kill the scent

  your porous soul

seeped too intense

  into this fabric

of mine

  now my pillow reeks

and my sleep don’t speak

  like whiskey bourbon

spilled, once neat

  our pleasures gone

the treasured dawn

  comes to beat

me down again

  like winter mornings

with the curtains drawn

  i’m on my own

in my own

head again

5/27/21

red skies

a sign of storms ahead

  white lies

your words better left un said 

  be baptized

by the light of the life you led

5/25/21

cause i can’t seem to grow at all

with these two black thumbs i stand

prepare to climb the wall

  backs against the ropes and im already anticipating the fall

  can’t help but get going

going with the flow

can’t help never knowing

that we can’t know

  so we put up no resistance

saddle up a sad existence

is all you’ve have to show

  5/17/21

how many conversations can i simulate

before the voices (in my head) stay forever

  codeine kicks the fever dream

but i’m not feeling any better

  there’s a warm sky that lie

somewhere deep within my bones

  and i think i might die

before i ever make it home

5/15/21

want to speak

to the melancholia in you

  i want to speak

the darkest flavors of blue

  the sleepless mornings

sleepless nights

  a begging feeling for a light

  i want to speak so i can see

the misery of love atrophied

the bitterest pill of blessed be

a highlight lining what you need

  i want to breathe your ragged air

i want to breathe your ragged air

  take the sunshine never share

your life is priceless beyond compare

  but i want to speak

if only to see

  a little darkness underneath

5/8/21

every drop in the bucket makes a ripple

4/16/21

Am

sweet temptation

Em

she calls me by my first name

4/13/21

needing to find the means to monetize our leisure

  the way that man is measured

  a man’s time is his most precious treasure

3/15/21

feeling like i’m filling time

listless and just killing my mind

actions in apathy speak for my unwillingness to climb

  like each and every thing we seek

will eventually be fine

will eventually be fine

  -

  Why i gotta be this way

Been feeling blind to others thoughts of me

Less of a feeling and more a furtive display

taking actions to display my apathy

wondering what the watchmen see

wondering what it really means

  is this another depressive episode

another tick tack beat on the metronome

ten missed calls and ya mamma left wondering when you coming home

wondering what’s it like when ya left alone

  where’s the means to make amends

where’s the bridge i’ve burnt at both ends

  maybe i can just pretend

  maybe i can just pretend

  3/5/21

each of my hours cost me days

3/3/21

the end is still forever and a day away

2/6/21

the melancholy of a forgotten dream

  the broken pieces never fit back together it seems

  at least not in the way that we mean

1/22/21

and i can curve my spine into an s shape

  last week i ate a berry in the woods so i could see

deaths face

  and sometimes i think about how we’re all staying in

this place

  the same state

  somebody shelter some more

the house you built see it gon’

keep you dry and safe from the storm 

  this sickening shame

slurred words share no blame

keep blending it together til everything

feels the same

  it’s all so awfully humbling

when these walls can all come crumbling

down

  then we’d be in the

  same state

      1/16/21

and they said i was the oldest one

  born to break the records

fated to steal the sun

  oh they said i was the oldest son

  picture perfect

memorabilia on the wall

  gloria gloria

why can’t i hear ya

as i continue this eternal fall

  to slip as easily as me

to fall from grace

effortlessly

  who’s to say

now that i’m not the only one

11/15/20

and i been feeling like an echo

11/15/20

and i am just a passing moment

walking through

  stranger over yonder

yes that sense of sonder

  i feel it too

  i am just a passing moment to you

11/13/20

it’s not funny this is a nervous laughter

  what comes from the work

  follows after

  the most recent episodes

  of our disaster

  this is a nervous laughter

  11/10/20

what’s the use

in using

  decisions made without our choosing

  pinpricks gave us the solution

  can’t save us from this ablution.

  Said i don’t wanna feel this way

  mama i’m only tryna numb the pain

  1/28/20

“If you have the ability, then come.”

  The sound of leather boots brushing across fallen leaves moves forward.

  The clean image of the morning’s light fog is shattered.

  One clean cut of the blade slices a falling leaf and the mist around it.

  Feet shuffle two steps back as the split leaf flutters to the ground.

  A second cut, this time a collision. The crisp clink of two honed edges turned against each other.

  A step. A slide. The men dance in the wind kicking up dirt. Two yearning urgently to spill the day’s first blood. To tinge red the rising sun.

  The birds have long silenced and the stillness is only broken by the beaten breathing of two who lie on the floor.

  Swordsmen and traitor stricken in fighting made little more than stains upon the earth beneath the shade but still ever so far from hearth.

  1/22/20

chasing fates flow

  1/19/20

a dusting of snow on the  shingles

lightens and whitens the roof

while the bird feeders have frozen over

  grandma’s in the kitchen

where there’ll be breakfast in a moment

  this quiet northern home

stands still for but a second

in the morning

  1/2/20

so she said savor every second

  cause each moment could be our last

  although  it’s not forever

we’ll keep pushing past

  making sweet memories

  that we won’t recall

come morning

  making sweet memories

  it’s a storm come without warning

  it’s something we’ve been searching

for

so ever hard to find

  it’s a little less than so much more

if we can bide our time

  and savor every second

cause in this moment i swear

i’m dyin

1/2/20

and to all a piece

of the validation machine

we submit

  12/12/19

i still feel a filter

a thickness engulfs me

  i just wanna connect

but i can’t quite see

  something’s been ticking

the wrong way

something been ticking

inside of me

ain’t quite say i’m sick

or dying

but there’s a weakness speaking out

inside of me

  said i still feel some static

my attitude crude and dramatic

  it’s a poison i’ve been seeking

  it’s a poison i’ve been thinking

  it’s a poison silly sinking

  somewhere deep inside of me

  ain’t been nothing more than

platitudes and gratitude

for the people pick me up

from the floor.

        2/8/20

Maybe we were meant to toil

  Under this blazing sun. Bare backs burned by the blistering heat.

  Maybe we were meant to have our hands, till-deep, in the soil.

  Sifting seeds between our fingers

searching out the signs of life and

planting them deep within the land.

  Maybe we were meant to toil

  Not for

this comfort and complacency.

Not for

this sweet space we seek.

Sheltered

from the sun and from the storm.

  Maybe we were meant to toil

    12/4/19

  tonight

i think

i’ll lie awake and

look lovingly

at this

beautiful

vague shape

that’s sleeping next to me

  cause i can’t quite

make out

your features

your facets

or your lines

cause the lights gone

and nights come

and i’m just

a little bit blind

but i know

it’s you

that’s sleeping next to me

that’s sleeping next to me

  ][

  so tonight i

think that i’ll lie

awake and take a

second just to breathe

soak in just a moment of

your lovely vague shape

  while you’re sleeping next to me

next to me

11/18/19

deep beneath

the surface

something

screams

purpose is

nothing

but a lie

  how ya gonna live your life?

11/12/19

like god's little flies

we are dropping one

by one

  11/11/19

last goodbye i’ll offer

youve taken every penny

every copper from my coffers

  11/17/19

the most effective way to enact change is to participate in it

  10/14/19

Big capital speaks louder than the cry of common man

  When the dollar has been made by creating shortcuts

  How much is that dollar really worth

08/?/19

your lips are stained blue

from all that you’ve been drinking

and no amount

of blood that they’ve been sinking into you

will be enough to save ya now

09/17/19

handed a glass

half full

  they drank it

til it’s dry

  said this is the state of the world

  and not a single tear’d they cry

09/19/19

and i’m thinking about boats and

  a placid lake with murky water choked by reeds

  and i’ve been thinking about boats and the sound that thinking’s been making lately

  for me

  you see when you place one boat one ship on this inland sea see it’s all alright

right

  there’s room to move or sail or go forward in any direction

  and then you place another ship another boat on those calm waters

and you don’t falter not for one second

  you still have space on this peaceful lake

  the wind is carrying the breeze and these ships across the ride and

  then you place another ship

and another ship

and another ship

  and the wakes these ships create start to intersect and the waters that were peaceful feel a fearful rising tide and

  then you place another ship and there’s no room to move and it’s bow to bow and scrapes along the side

  but you can’t just take the ships out

  where would they go

  and now upon your placid lake a laden waste made manifest you start to think

  and hope for that wide clear wave to ride a peaceful placid hope to hide within

  again

  so you start to sink the ships

  the boats have aged have weathered and worn their rails have scrapes sails untethered and torn

  and they go down beneath the surface and the fresher spawn have room to breathe while asleep and out of sight the old sink deep

  still a piece of the lake

but left to apathy

  and you have a nice pristine water to weave across with your less populated crest

  and then you add another ship

and another ship

and another ship

  until the bottoms ready to give in a mountain made of wreck to ruin this blessed home you’ve learned to stew in

  born out of a desire

to be free

  but then

  when there is no more space

  what then

    ?/?/2019

fresh blades of green burst through

the ivory horizon

foreboding the first false coming

of spring

  before the frost snaps and

breaks bare any inch of color

that dare pervade

the pure still space

    07/05/2019

like

placid lucidities

angry and afraid

we fail to see

all that’s been made

in our solemn search

for agency

07/02/2019

dirty jilted sister

left beside the waterfall

whiskey bourbon

turned to mist

to satisfy the masses

mend it all

  accomplishments are minced

til satisfaction stalls

and all these things

we’d missed

hang like mirrors on the wall

09/03/2019

for too long we been

looking out instead of in

dancing freely to the

cadence of our sin

08/31/2019

CAUSE THATS NOT HIRING

  THEY SAY DO WHAT YOU LOVE

YOULL NEVER WORK A DAY INYOURLIFE

  CAUSE THATS NOT HIRING

  THEY SAY DO WHAT YOU LOVE

AND YOU JUST MIGHT BE ALRIGHT

  BUT THEYRE STILL NOT HIRING

  THEY SAY DO WHAT YOU LOVE

DESPITE THE POVERTY LEVELS RISING

  CAUSE THATS NOT HIRING

  WERE ALL WASTING AWAY WALLOWING IN WEALTH

WHILE THE PEOPLE EXPIRING

  BUT THATS STILL NOT HIRING

  They say do what you love

and youll never work a day in your life

06/18/19

more like

broken glass

under apathetic feet

05/29/19

There’s a difference

Between Control and Concern

And i’m not quite sure

You’ve learned how to discern

it just yet.