#mmm the splintering my beloved

[nobodieshero-main]

emotional about tiernan rn nobody talk to me

[incorrectmlpquotes]

The Analysis no one asked for, but you’re getting anyway

Well folks, we’re going to do something a little different today. I’ve been stewing about this episode for quite a while and have finally decided to pen to paper- er- fingers to keyboard. I want to discuss the faulty morals of The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. 

A great name and a great song.

 Now, I’m not going to recap the episode because you all know the plot. It aired a decade ago and that’s a real punch to the kidneys. 

The Flim Flam brothers roll up to Ponyville to tell them that they’ve got trouble with a capital T and it rhymes with C and it stands for cider.

There brand new shiny machine requires minimal manual labor and the cider costs the same as the hand-churned stuff. Plus the added bonus of having enough cider for all of Ponyville.

Now, I could discuss how failure to update production methods will eventually leave you behind even if it worked this one time, or how no one even tried the Flim Flam cider before they turned off quality control, but no one wants to read about my hot-takes on the lead up to the Industrial Revolution on an incorrect quotes blog. 

Maybe make sure everyone has a mug before you let ponies come back for seconds

Instead, I’m going to compare this to another episode from a 2010s cartoon reboot of a beloved eighties property: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The season-one episode Metalhead starts out with the turtles fighting against the Kraang. Donatello (the purple one) is frustrated because a bo staff isn’t as effective in fighting an alien in a robot body as a sword or nun chucks. He asks to upgrade his weapon and Master Splinter agrees because, “Ninjas have improved their arsenal for centuries. [They] are masters of adaptation.” But he warns against relying too heavily on the weapon because technology is a means, no an end. Naturally, Donnie gets carried away and creates a robot that he controls from the safety of the lair. It works at first, but gets taken over the Kraang and he has to used god ol’ fashioned Ninjutsu and his bo staff to save the day. In the end, the lesson is learned and he upgrades the traditional staff to have a retractable blade.

While this is very different from a tale about ponies making apple juice, the moral is the same: technology can be helpful but reliance on it can hinder your natural advantages. Except, Applejack and co. go right back to using an unsuccessful method.

This is hilarious, but...

It’s been established that the Apples frequently run out of cider and while what they make is high quality, their practice isn’t efficient. Maybe if they just updated one part of production. Granny could still do quality checks, but maybe Twilight could set up an automated power source so Mac doesn’t have to run five miles a day just to power the contraption. 

Look at this screen-cap. Just look at it

They aren’t going to have all their friends doing free labor every day just to have enough for all of Ponyville. Rainbow Dash is moments away from committing a felony.

 Also, who’s managing the apple farm if they’re out there before dawn?

In conclusion, I’ve had a lot of feelings™ about this episode for seven years and now everyone has to deal with it.

Am I taking this too seriously? Possibly. But what else are you here for?

I’m not saying the 2012 TMNT show is always perfect with the lessons, but it is pretty funny

Donnie: With all due respect, sensei, I can't keep fighting alien technology with a 6-foot staff. I was hoping to upgrade my weapon. Splinter: Mmm. A 7-foot staff. Interesting. Donnie: No, I meant using modern technology. Splinter: Aah, a solar-powered staff. Donnie: I'm serious, sensei. Splinter: I know. And yes, you may upgrade your weapon. Donnie: That's totally unfair! You can't just- Wait, did you say yes?

Also, not to be a lesbian on main, but if Rainbow Dash was in such a hurry to get there before Pinkie, why did she take to time to wake up Fluttershy and drag her alone?

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “Trapped” Part 5

Almost one year ago, someone tried to kill The Joker in a speeding car and Y/N pushed him out of the way, getting hit instead. With a fractured skull and broken bones, she was out of business for 6 months; when she finally recovered, The Queen of Gotham wasn’t the same anymore. Trapped inside her own mind and exhibiting severe cognitive impairment, Y/N’s life switched upside down without any hope of ever returning to normal.

Part 1    Part 2    Part 3    Part 4

4 Months Pregnant

“I need customized stickers that say Baby On Board for my purple Lamborghini and the other cars I drive,” The Joker growls at his own idea whilst sharing it with the person fulfilling his wacko trades: Franco Rossi, the leader of best underground supply chain in Gotham.

“When would you like them ready Mister J? After Y/N gives birth?”

“Nope! Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?...” Franco hesitantly inquiries about the sudden emergency since he can’t understand why The King of Gotham demands them so fast.

The Joker hates explaining yet certain people are obtuse thus they necessitate enlightenment.

“Y/N’s pregnant: when she gets in a car, the baby is also. Baby on board! Hello??” the father-to-be loses his temper.

Who can argue with The Joker’s logic? Nobody. It sort of makes sense anyway.

“Of course, Mister J. I’ll have them ready. If you drop by after 6pm, I’ll have your guns ready too.”

“Perfect!” the Joker hangs up among the ruckus coming from the office near the kitchen: sounds of shattered objects and yelling alert Richard aka Panda you’re at it again. He nonchalantly passes by in order to deliver the items to The Clown.  

“Your drinks Mister J,” he gives one cup with Starbucks caramel latte to his boss and the other is placed on the table. Why does your boyfriend require 2 identical containers? It won’t take long to solve the mystery.

“Are the lids glued?”

Strange question but there’s a purpose in it.

“Yes sir. How is she doing?”

“She’s hormonal: breaking things makes her feel better which reminds me we have to hoard porcelain objects for her to wreck. NO glass!”

“Sure, I’ll tell the crew,” Richard leaves the kitchen while texting Frost. “Hulk needs more to smash,” he types the code name they gave you in the last weeks although The King knows about it: J’s the one that came up with it.

“Hey Pumpkin,” you are greeted as soon as you pop up from the office. “How’d it go?” he scrolls down on his phone and takes a sip of hot liquid.

“Ugghh!” a frustrated Y/N swings the yellow teddy bear The Joker stole for her on their first date, hitting his hand in the process. The drink flies near the fridge and splatters on the floor with minimal damage: only a tiny puddle instead of a disaster, that’s why the lids are glued.

Safety measure for The Queen’s unpredictability.

J grabs his reserve cup of coffee, paying attention now hence he dodges your renewed attack and keeps his coffee intact.

That’s why his drinks have the lids glued, in case you catch him off guard the second time it will result in negligible destruction.

It happened before.

“I don’t think so Princess,” The Joker strong grip on the container calms you a bit because you won’t be able to win this round. “Are you hungry?”

“No,” you pout and sit in his lap.

“I bet the baby is,” the secret weapon is unleashed: J discovered such a gem by accident and it works like a charm. How can Y/N say “no” if the baby is involved? She can’t.

A plate filled with a bunch of your favorite breakfast food is placed in front of you and strangely enough you’re instantly hungry.

“Extra bacon,” he purrs. “Plus chocolate dip and honey mustard for your pickled cherries. I added peanut butter olives as a bonus.”

In your defense, you’ve been having weird cravings lately.

You place the toy on the chair nearby and start eating, ogling a Joker texting back and forth with his business partners. He chews the morsel you just offered and shivers: waffle dipped in clam juice is disgusting. Maybe he should look at the food you shove in his mouth.

“Gross,” J washes the terrible taste with coffee and gets a kiss for encouragement, yet he’s aware of the connotations. Another kiss confirms it.

Let’s put it this way: besides the hormonal episodes and food demands, The Queen has had a fresh type of craving recently - The Joker kind.

More than usually.

That’s why he has to clear it up.

“I’m flattered for being the center of attention; we gotta keep in mind that contrary to the popular belief, I don’t have unlimited stamina, Pumpkin.”

You nod in agreement and unbutton his pants, then unzip them also.

“Y/N, pay attention!” J insists since you don’t give a damn about his woes. “Think about it as a two way street: The Joker Street and I Want To Break Things Street. Are you with me so far?” he double checks.

Why is he yapping so much??! I guess you should make an effort to comprehend: he’s even doodling patterns on his phone to emphasize the speech.

“When you get hormonal, Princess, let’s try and walk on the I Want To Break Things Street instead of The Joker Street, hm? The Joker Street is sometimes closed for repairs until further announcement.”

OK, OK, this is a lecture. Something about a Joker Street, he seems upset he doesn’t have one…?... Right?...

If you were him, you would be pissed Gotham didn’t name a street in your honor when you’re so important for the town.

Another peck on his neck, then your lips go down his collar bone.

“You’re not paying attention, are you?” J mutters when it’s clear his shirt won’t remain on his body for too long.

“I am,” you defend yourself.

“Oh yeah? What did I say then?”

“Ummm…” you try to piece together words among estrogen taking over. “No Joker Street?...”

“Bingo, that’s it Princess! No Joker Street, correct! Choose the other street, yes?”

This time he kisses you, excited his idea was well received when in fact, both parties are referring to unrelated concepts.

“Wait,” J dodges your touch, “Richard is calling.”

Because he’s on the phone ignoring Y/N, she is ensuring a nice surprise for later; concentrating to the maximum to avoid misspelling, the following message is sent to Franco Rossi from her cell:

“Make a landmark sign that says Joker Street.”

The King’s conversation is prolonged more than anticipated until he discerns you’re not wiggling: you feel asleep, softly snoring on his shoulder and he definitely can’t afford to wake you up.

The doctors said your body is trying to cope with the pregnancy the best way it can: if you doze off at random hours it means you ran out of fuel and you should rest. After cheating death and surviving the accident, the future mother is at high risk of serious complications which is why each day could lead to unforeseen problems.

The Joker rises from the chair holding you in his arms and after a few steps he realizes it’s difficult to walk: thanks to his unbuttoned and unzipped pants, they keep sliding lower and lower. There’s no way he will make it upstairs so maybe the sofa in the living room is the best option. He almost trips thus he begins to drag his feet on the carpet, the pants at knee level now.

“I’m reduced to a piece of meat,” J grumbles, finally making it to the couch and placing Y/N on it so she can have her power nap.

*************

6:02pm

You accompanied The King to a meeting with Seraphim, the best hacker/strategist J uses: they’ve been plotting for a while concerning D.A. Kevin Winchester. The politician is becoming a huge pain in the butt for Gotham’s underworld and something must be done; either annihilation or blackmail, it truly doesn’t matter since he’s bad for business. Due to a total lack of interest in the subject, you are exploring the surroundings quite angry The Joker dragged you here.

Luckily there’s stuff to do.

Bam! you punch the fragile glass sculpture and it splinters into a million pieces on the lavish marble floor.

Seraphim jumps at the noise, immediately recognizing his beloved possession:

“That’s…,” he gulps, appalled. “That’s a Vitriol!”

Yup, the one and only Degas Vitriol, the latest sensation taking the art universe by storm.

“She’s hormonal,” J sneers. “She breaks shit!”

“That’s valued at 150,000 dollars!” the hacker breaths in much needed oxygen regarding the atrocity unfolding at his hideout.

“So??!!” your boyfriend sucks on his teeth, irritated. “Serves you right for buying that asshole’s artsy fartsy crap!”

The Joker actually has 4 Vitriol masterpieces at the mansion yet you were strictly forbidden to destroy them, alas he gave you the office for your rampages.

You continue your exploration as they talk about God knows what until you perceive an alarming detail: Seraphim is literally screaming having a gun pointed at J.

You sneak behind him then in a split second you strike the pistol out of his hand and your fist lands on his temple with such brutality it knocks him out unconscious.

“What the hell are you doing, Y/N???” The Clown hisses at your erratic behavior.

“Hm?”

“What are you doing??!!!” he repeats, annoyed.

“S-saving  you…,” you stutter, confused on why J is mad. “He was yelling and…mmm, had a gun,” you wince in pain because your knuckles hurt from the impact.

“The guy’s half deaf and sometimes he raises his voice without noticing, or did you forget??!! Now I have to wait until he comes to his senses and that’s a waste of my time, Y/N!!! Seraphim wasn’t threatening me, he was showing me his newest collectible!!! I suppose someone with half a brain can’t acknowledge the mess they’ve created!!!”

A lot of accusations thrown your way still… the last sentence brings tears in your eyes.

“I…” you bite your lower lip. “…I don’t have half of brain…”

“Wanna bet??” The Joker bites more instead of leveling with your logic: you though he was in danger and took action. If it was a real emergency, yes, you would have been the hero; it’s not and apparently he can’t appreciate your fast intervention in these circumstances.

“Y-you’re stupid…” you whisper, frustrated. “You don’t understand anything…”

Here it is -- the cataclysmic event of the century: someone called The Joker stupid. He’s beyond outraged with nothing better to utter besides a very childish:

“You’re stupid!”

Y/N turns around and stomps out of the house leaving a trail of destruction outside: she slaps the bottled water out of The Shark’s hand, kicks Panda’s shin and snatches Frost’s donut basically inhaling the sweet treat.

“I want to go h-home!!” you shout and enter the first vehicle you see, slamming the door so hard the window on the passenger side cracks.

“Jesus…” Jonny mumbles and being the sensible man that he is you are offered the whole box of pastries he purchased for his family. He can acquire more, but there’s no way in hell he wants to endure Y/N in the state she’s in.

Gotta keep Hulk calm somehow…

**************

3 Hours Afterwards

You sulk when The Joker strolls in the master bathroom frantically searching the cabinets.

“Did you see my shaver?” he asks.

“Hm?”

“Did you see my shaver?”

“I…I wouldn’t know. I only have half a brain,” the surprisingly eloquent phrase queues J his woman is holding a grudge for his earlier statement. Why wouldn’t she? He was a complete jerk.

At least you didn’t catch on to the obvious: The King of Gotham doesn’t own a shaver; hair just grows on his head.  

He glimpses at Y/N soaking in the bathtub with a kid’s book in her left hand and the right hand fingers sunk into a bowl filled with ice placed at the edge of the Jacuzzi. The Joker leans over and switches your book since it’s upside down.

You huff at the unwanted help and stare at the pictures expecting he’ll look for his shaver and disappear.

You’re not that fortunate today.

“Imagine my surprise when I drove the main alley and detected a sign that says The Joker Street,” he brings up the topic.

Franco Rossi was super-efficient …sadly you ordered the item before J ran his mouth at the hacker’s place, otherwise you wouldn’t care he wants a street with his name.

“You said no… no Joker Street,” you stammer. “Now you have one,” the bitter tone makes him roll his eyes: Y/N’s brain got what it could from his monologue, he should have known better than to make it complicated.

“Excellent…” The King starts rubbing your tummy, “… precisely what I was aiming for. I’m washing the baby, not you!” he underlines when you move farther from him.

You scrunch your face displeased but let him do it because it’s for the baby.

“I know what you’re doing,” Y/N gives him a cold gaze. “U-using the baby… I’m not stupid!”

Busted, The Joker thinks. The schemer in him won’t accept defeat though.

“I didn’t say you were.”

“Yes you did!”

“You said it first!!!” he reckons, antagonized. “Therefore two stupid people put together gotta make up for a smart one!!’

“I… I don’t wanna make out…” you frown at his suggestion.

The Joker sighs, deciding not to correct the trajectory of your judgement; it sure sounds like an opportunity.

“Why not?”

“I’m tired and…and I h-hate you,” your heavy eyelids close.

“Both viable reasons, even if I have to admit you striking Seraphim like that got me quite worked up. He’s no small fry! I had to wait for one hour for him to recover; you got a mean punch, woman! The more I reflect on it, the hornier I get. Which reminds me, Pumpkin: guess what?... … … I’m hormonal too.”

No answer, Pumpkin’s out.

“Of course nobody gives a damn if I’m hormonal!” he complaints while grabbing you from the bathtub. You cling to him for a few moments prior to drifting back into your dreams.

“Thanks for getting me all wet,” J snarls at the cruel reality of having his favorite Prada suit ruined.

“You…you’re welcome…” his Queen replies in her sleep, somehow her mind clutching to reality amidst pure relaxation.

This is what two hormonal individuals are reduced to: one’s dozing off, the other is suffering in silence, although being the proud owner of the tiniest road in Gotham compensates for the mishap.

It’s a two way street.

 Also read: Masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho. 

[emo-rejects-archive]

😺💩🍵🍆🏢😮 (20,000 prey, all to Rias)

(Oh boy here we go.)

It could’ve been a normal morning, but then again when you’re a fat cherry filled demon princess, nothing was really that out of the ordinary.

It started when Rias woke and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, she felt something, two things in fact, twitch on top of her head. “Ny-Nya-?” She muttered drowsily. ‘Wait, did I just... Meow...?’

“A-Akenyo! What did you do to me this time?!”

“Oh, you know...,” the pudgy raven haired sadist spoke up from underneath Rias’s lard. “Just a spell. And by a spell, I mean a few.” She shimmied herself out from underneath Rias’s cherry red lard, her hefty breasts and belly jostling up and down as she stood. “My deepest apologies, Lady Rias. I was just looking for a way to revert you back to normal. Sadly, it seems that a couple things went wrong somewhere along the line...”

“‘A couple’?! What do you myean ‘a couple’?!” Rias exclaimed.

Akeno giggled to herself before answering. “Well, for starters there’s the cat ears and tail... And you have male genitalia now, so I only see positives here!”

“M-Male genatalia? Wh-What do you NYAAH...!” Rias began, but was quickly cut off by the a strong feeling in her crotch area.

Akeno’s hands had firmly grasped Rias’s thick, meter long member, stroking up and down, up and down. The cherry red cock grew hard with each subsequent stroke, veins pulsating along the organs girth.

Akeno licked her lips. “Ara ara... What girthy testicles you have, Lady Rias,” she said, bringing her mouth to her mistresses football sized testicles, and began to suck, saliva drenching each engorged nut.

“Nya... NYAH... AAAAH!” Rias squealed, before an eruption of cherry juice shot out of her urethra and onto the floor. Her powerful orgasm lasted a whole minute, juices puddling around Akeno’s feet.

Akeno bent down, dipping her finger into the juice, tasting it. “Mmm... Your love juices are as succulent as always,” Akeno grinned delightfully.

Rias sat huffing and puffing from her release, her blubbery body rippling. “Huff... Huff... N-Nya... I feel funny...”

Akeno climbed on top of Rias’s cherry filled expanse. She laid herself in between her sexy crimson mistresses chubby breasts, putting a finger to her lip. “Hmm... That’s odd... I thought I only cast two spells... Perhaps I cast a third by accident?”

“A-Akenyooo!!!”

The chunky sadist put a hand behind her head. “Hehe... Uhh... Oopsie!”

Neither of them realized it at first, but Rias was growing, but she wasn’t getting fatter, no, she was getting TALLER.

“I guess we’ll just see where this... GROWS,” Akeno chuckled at her own pun.

“I... Nnnrgh... Hate... You...,” Rias grunted, as her head broke through the ceiling.

The floor crumbled beneath her ass, and she felt herself fall through the air, Akeno holding onto her ladies chin fold for dear life. The ground shook as she hit the floor, screams and crys for help sounding from beneath her growing body.

Within the hour, the entirety of Kuoh Academy was leveled to splinters, Rias still growing, getting taller and taller, until finally, all she could view in front of her was the clouds and blue sky above her.

———————————————————————-

Weeks had past since Rias’s initial “growth spurt”. Little to her knowledge, the incident had gotten world wide attention, but it’s not hard to imagine why. A fat, giant cherry-filled neko woman with her kilometer long penis flopping around in the open air was bound to turn some heads.

Of course, a fat girl of her size has to eat, and well, Akeno had found an interesting method of feeding her beloved mistress.

About twenty thousand live human beings had been shoved down the giantesses throat, her titanic engorged something gurgled and squirmed about with the struggling people within. Some of those digested calories had gone straight to her thighs, while others had been disposed of elsewhere...

An ever growing mountain of shit piled itself behind Rias, the distinct sweet smell of cherries wafted around the surrounding area. Occasionally, a stream of red urine would flood out of her cock, pooling into a large lake of fruit juice bellow.

Rias sometimes pondered if Akeno would ever return her back to normal, or if Akeno even planned her n getting her back to her old self in the first place. No one could really say for sure...