#mommy issues what’s newww

[angelbluediary]

It’s surreal to imagine other people’s family cultures. To know that there are high schoolers who smoke weed with their parents on the regular, and kids who are barely in contact with their parents at all. People living in abusive households where they have to fear for their physical safety.

All just to say, I am privileged! I am lucky.

I might have had every message I received and sent throughout my teens year read before I was allowed to delete them, but I’m still lucky.

I might have been told by my mom that I “make it too easy” for boys when trying to open up about a traumatic experience, but hey.

I might be a 26 year old working girl who invokes her mother’s wrath over the topic of fucking DoorDash—but here we are.

She still never apologized for the last “confrontation” just days ago when she basically said “you’re a pessimist and a burden and you being here is hard on us and nothing you do has even scratched the surface of making up for it,” and that was over leaving once without saying goodbye (Reader, I was taking M to class. At the same time I do every week).

Tonight she insinuated I’m a bad influence on M because now DoorDash is in his vocabulary and we might occasionally choose to treat ourselves to a meal instead of eating bagels or pop tarts again. Scandalous!

(It’s been almost a month since our last order. My dad just got a golf cart delivered today but M and I asking if anyone wants anything from Bojangles set her off, leading to M and I not eating at all. Even though mom did eventually relent and give her “permission” :)

It all feels like such a joke. She always confirms my paranoia. I “feel” nasty energy around her at times, like that she believes I’m a bad influence on M, and then she proves she does think that way. It’s not just in my head after all.

It doesn’t matter that tomorrow morning will make the 3rd time I’ve had to take my mom to/from work since I moved in. It doesn’t matter that I’m the only reason M is able to go to work. Or that I take 3 hours out of my day every Friday to drop him off, sit in a parking lot, and drive back home. It doesn’t matter that I clean up on weekends. It doesn’t matter that I spent over $100 just to take my siblings out to the movies because they (we) NEVER get to do things like that anymore. It doesn’t matter if I wash the dirty pots and pans they leave when they go to the lake on weekends. It doesn’t matter that I drove 4-5 hours to get my mom’s new car, which she immediately started complaining about the moment she laid eyes on it.

And I work almost every day now too, and my parents STILL condescend to me when I mention being tired, or wanting to enjoy a day where I do absolutely nothing.

I am almost 30 fucking years old and I’m guilt tripped within an inch of my life for wanting to buy fucking Bojangles when there’s no food to eat here.

All I know is, I’m tired of thinking of what I could/should be doing to “earn” my keep around here when my stay already is loaded with terms and conditions that my siblings are exempt from. And probably always will be.