#most common meeting place for me and my girlfriend is level 20 of the mines

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

I'm a cryptid in Stardew valley. I live on the outskirts of town. I disappear for days on end, purchasing daily one-way tickets to the calico desert. Nobody knows where I go while I'm there. Can occasionally be found fishing at random spots throughout town. I am never not running on at least one triple shot espresso. I take the abandoned minecarts to get around and am frequently seen disappearing into the sewers. I carry a sword for some reason. Once every week or two I will stride into your bedroom to deliver you your favorite meal. I'm a self-made millionaire. I attend all the town events and will go to your concert in the next town over. I have donated approximately 2583 items to the local museum and singlehandedly revitalized the town community center. There are rumors I can talk to junimos. I'm friends with the local wizard

[itsadirtybusiness]

Everyone Just Swipe Left...

Life is a dirty business, death, divorce, diapers, dementia, dysfunction, and dating. Being able to laugh at our existence and all that goes along with it, I believe, is crucial to survival. In my dating world, there is a touch of dishonesty, in that, I don’t know what I’m doing, what I want, or if I want anything. Knowing what I don’t want is much easier to define, it’s easy to find flaws in people, especially if you’re looking for them.

My dating career was interrupted for about thirty years by a couple of marriages. After this hiatus I decided to try out Match.com. Things had changed a lot since I was in college, but I believed that the internet, my maturity level, and my life experiences prepared me for the journey on which I was about to embark, my first of many mistakes. I also believed that I was a strong woman and that I knew what I wanted. I established high level criteria: athletic, intelligent, educated, well-travelled, financially stable and no young children. I submitted my profile and certain that Mr. Right was just a click away, I went to bed hoping for the best.

I’m not a morning person, so waking up to sixteen messages saying, “Good morning beautiful” accompanied by an emoji, anything from a rose to a devil, became the kiss of death for my would-be solicitors. Instead of Cristal in a Waterford flute, my inbox was like a Solo cup filled with Boone’s Farm. My gut reaction was indignance, “LIARS! How dare you call me beautiful! You don’t know me.” I have strong opinions on beauty and number one is that it isn’t determined by flattering images on some app. It’s understanding who I am as a person and how I became the woman I am today. It’s depth of character and a strong understanding of self, and it implies a certain level of intimacy because I’ve opened myself to you, only then will I accept being beautiful as a compliment. Something that you, lame suitor, will now never experience.

A week in and I was already frustrated. I hadn’t even been on a date. “Stick with it.” My friends said. “It just takes time and patience” they said. “Maybe you shouldn’t be so picky” they said. “You have to kiss a lot of frogs” they said. I think they just wanted to hear my stories and validate their own relationships, sighing just a little as they thought, “Thank God it’s you out there and not me.” I bucked up and kept trying until I got a date.

My first and only match ended up being with a guy who didn’t tell me how beautiful I was before we met, but our date was still a disaster. I’ll spare the details of our meeting but as a result one of my friends suggested that dating sites should have some way to “Rate Your Date” like a Yelp review or rating your Uber driver. This could save us serial daters a lot of time and imagine how much better people would act if they knew they going to be reviewed? I think it’s a brilliant idea. The rating would be with hearts rather than stars and of course, plenty of space for comments. I would give a five-heart rating to a man that took me out to dinner, was a great conversationalist, kissed me goodnight and didn’t push the hookup; a man more interested in his phone or getting me into bed, than conversation would earn one heart. Deflated, I realized, if this was what dating had come to, I’d much rather be single. Peace out guys, I deleted my account.

Like Netflix and popcorn seasoned with crack, I couldn’t stay away. Shortly after my vow to remain single, I discovered Bumble, where the woman makes the first move. I set up my profile and a whole new world unfolded before me. I didn’t have to worry about unwelcomed solicitations, and I could pick and choose the guys that were appealing to me. I set the low end of my age range at 40, young, but old enough to have some life experiences under their belts and I topped them out at 65, putting myself squarely in the middle.

My Bumble profile reads:

I love to travel, read, run and play tennis. I am athletic, educated, financially stable and well-travelled. My children are grown with families of their own. I’m looking for someone similar. I love a good IPA and small batch gin. INFJ Vegan. No hook ups please. Trump supporters swipe left. 

Every connection I make gives me fodder for my ever-growing list of flaws. Unfortunately, there is a character limit, or my profile would now include the following:

If you have a girlfriend or you’re married, swipe left. You must be willing to meet, in person, if you just want to sext, have phone or FaceTime sex, swipe left. If you have the inclination to take a picture of your erect penis and send it my way, swipe left. If you think it’s appropriate to call me baby, honey, sweetie, sweetheart or any other cutesy name after one date, swipe left. If you don’t love animals or at least dogs, swipe left. If you think Democrats are trying to take your guns away or that the women of the #metoo movement were simply looking for their fifteen minutes of fame, swipe left. If you’re homophobic, swipe left. If you don’t believe in tipping at least 20% or you treat service staff poorly, swipe left. If you are needy and can’t give me my cherished space and solitude, swipe left. Not a football fan? Swipe left. Ohio State fan? Swipe left. If you don’t know the basics of ordering a cocktail or appetizer at a restaurant, swipe left. If you don’t return your grocery cart to its proper place, swipe left. If you don’t have Amazon Prime, swipe left. If you don’t know what an IPA is, swipe left. If you don’t know what vegan means, Google it or swipe left. If you can’t be bothered to read my profile, swipe left.

This paltry and arrogant attitude of mine led me to believe that men my age were a bit boring. I started matching with younger guys, much younger, like twenty years younger… The young thirty somethings were bold. They weren’t afraid to kiss me without asking first. They made me feel good about myself, but like any drug, the high was fleeting and superficial and I was constantly chasing it. What I crave is depth and meaning. I want to know how you recovered from the loss of your marriage. How you healed, if you even have? How did you tell your children and what did you do to help them cope? What music did you listen to? Did you start any new hobbies or activities? I want to know what makes you vulnerable. But the guys I’m talking to haven’t been married, they don’t have children. So, instead I say, “Oh! You like dogs and IPAs and put mustard on your fries? We have so much in common!” I guess that’s what happens when you date in your children’s age group. But, having a deep conversation with someone my own age is just asking for emotional exposure, I’d have to answer the same questions. I’m not willing to give depth and meaning so why should I expect it? Ghosting is so much easier. I tell myself I’m not being unreasonable; I just want to find a like minded man to hang out with. What I’ve managed to do is alienate most of the male population and probably earn myself a one heart rating. Especially from guys my age.

Finding the humor in all of this makes my failures more bearable. It relieves the pressure and absolves me of responsibility. Every now and then I ask myself what I’m doing with a guy younger than my daughter. I have yet to come up with a right answer. If I’m being honest, I think it’s a bit of a mid-life crisis mixed in with a tad of narcissism and a dash of not wanting to grow up. I also think it keeps me in control. I know that there is no chance of getting seriously involved with a thirty something. They’re safe, even if they are more prone to send a dicpic or request a naked picture than their older counterparts, I can pretend I’m closer in age to a college grad than a retiree. Finding the right guy is going to take a lot of effort. I’ve set near impossible expectations for anyone to meet and I insist on keeping myself impervious. I can talk about how boring men in my own age group are, but the reality is, I shun them out of fear, fear of growing old. They are a reminder of my age, a reminder that I’m on the downside of life, a reminder of my mortality. I’m not ready for that, if you are, swipe left.

[intimatevoid]

Stolen from @littledonkeyburrito, as usual~

1. Do you prefer guys to shave down there? I have no preference. As long as the hair isn't making things difficult, like getting caught in hands and toys and teeth, he can do what he wants.

2. Do you prefer liquid, mousse or powder foundation? Why? I don’t really think about it because I don't wear foundation. My skin's clear enough that I don't need it, and even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t wear it because I would sweat it off in minutes. (Setting spray? I destroy setting spray ;A; it’s the worst.)

3. How much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)? Next to nothing, I guess. All she knows is that I've been with Ash for a while, and that I was with Seb for a while too.

4. Do you enjoy watching cooking shows? Not really. Like if one's on in a waiting room or something then I'll absently watch, but if I have any say in the matter then I don't know watch them.

5. Do you worry about gaining weight? Only if it affects my health somehow. Aside from a recent fluctuation from hormonal fuckery, I can usually do whatever I want without my weight changing at all.

6. Have you ever used fake tan? Nah, I've never needed to. I tan really dark, really quickly.

7. How do you organize your make-up? I just put different kinds into little ziplock bags to keep them from getting lost in my makeup bag. Pens in one, eye-shadow and eye brushes in the other.

8. Do you ever look at someone cute, and automatically make a move? Hahaha, holy fuck, I would never have confidence in my own desirability to do something like that. What would the point even be?

9. Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? An apartment, but I’m hoping like crazy that later this year I’m able to move into a house.

10. What’s one event your town has that you don’t like to participate in? Toowoomba has the Carnival of Flowers. I usually avoid it because it’s too hot, and too noisy.

11. Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouses’ names? Nope, though Clare (the bitchy, transphobic one) is engaged to a lovely guy named Simon who deserves so much better.

12. Does your father have any creepy or scary friends you don’t like? I haven’t spoken to my dad in years. I haven’t spoken to any of his friends in even longer. Though he’s all about being friends with Jesus, who certainly creeps me the fuck out. Does he count?

13. Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? Ha! Literally anything that’s not conservative or whatever, they would disapprove.

14. What venue was the last real concert you went to at? Some concert hall in Brisbane, I don’t remember what it’s called.

15. Does your best friend and their mom have the same last name? Yes, no, no, yes, and half plus their dad’s last name.

16. What color is your cellphone? Black.

17. Are you currently waiting for a phone call? From whom? No, thank fuck.

18. Do you have any drugs in your bedroom? No

19. Is there a feature on your face that people compliment you on? Sometimes my eyes or my skin.

20. What are your plans for the rest of the week? Nothing, thank fuck. This past week has been exhausting and I am grateful for the chance to finally fucking rest.

21. How many studded belts do you own? None.

22. Has your partner ever had braces? I don’t think so?

23. What have you eaten today?

 A sandwich, and some spicy noodles.

24. What’s your favourite thing to do? Quietly spend socially antisocial time with loved one/s, perhaps gaming or reading, gently touching but otherwise not interacting.

25. Did you wear a jacket today? Lord no, it’s way too hot.

26. Have you kissed more than two people of the same sex? Eyyyup!

27. How many times have you had sex in one day? Twice I think? Or maybe only once. I don’t have sex very often.

28. Did you exercise at all today? Nope, but I’m scheduled for it tomorrow.

29. Would you ever move far away for a job opportunity? Only if the new location was geographically close to somebody I care about. I’ve worked too fucking hard on my relationships to waste it all by distancing myself from any more of my loved ones.

30. Are you too shy/embarrassed to tell people your middle name? Negatory.

31. If not, what is it? No bc internet, but anyone who knows me well will know it anyway.

32. What day of the week is garbage day on your street? I always forget the exact day; it’s either Tuesday or Wednesday.

33. What is something new you learned today? That it’s possible to complete Dark Souls without ever levelling up.

34. Do you need a haircut? Not a full haircut, but I do need a trim. It’s been about six months since my last one and my split ends are insane.

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards? If I try, yeah.

36. When was the last time you ate popcorn? Too long ago! Probably during a D&D session.

37. Do you like eating out at restaurants? Cheap restaurants. The more expensive they get, the less I enjoy the atmosphere.

38. Is your name common? My first and middle names are semi-common, and my surname is very rare, at least in australia.

39. Do you look older or younger than your actual age? Before I transitioned, I was mistaken for up to ten years older. Now that I’ve transitioned, always younger.

40. Were you ever a Pokemon fan? Yus!

41. If you could get rid of one season, which one would you choose? Of which show?

42. Have you ever performed in front of a large group? A couple of times, yeah.

43. Are you hungry right now? Nah, I just ate.

44. Have you ever had the chicken pox? Nope. I should probably get vaccinated. 44. How often do you do laundry? About once a week.

45. Do you know anyone who snores? I do. It sucks, cause I used to not snore at all. Then randomly, about a year and a half ago, I just started snoring for no reason at all. 46. Would you make a good movie critic? I think, with some training, I could. I’m good at being analytical and critical of things. 47. What goal are you aiming for this year? 1) Move house in March/April, 2) yisit Dusty in May/June, and 3) build a computer in July when my tax return comes in! 48. What’s the farthest you’ve walked? In one day? Hard to say, I used to walk a lot but not so much anymore. 49. What does your favourite shirt look like? My current fave is just a plain black blouse. I like it because it goes with almost everything. 

... what? I’m poor, I don’t own much clothing. 50. What made you feel most accomplished in your life so far? Realising just how many people I’ve surrounded myself with who care about me. Realising that I’m going to be okay. 51. What can’t you afford but wish you could? BASIC LIVING REQUIREMENTS LIKE DECENT FOOD AND CLOTHING AND STUFF LIKE THAT

Last 10 people in your Facebook messages inbox: (excluding group chats)

1.       Moses

2.       Sage

3.       Ash

4.       Maz

5.       Kathryn

6.       Maddie

7.       Seb

8.       Chloe

9.       Tammy

10.     Ruin

1. How long have you known 1? Since the day he was born.

2. When did you meet 2? A few years ago, though we didn’t really talk til Miitomo became a thing.

3. When was the last time you saw 3? About half an hour ago.

4. Have you and 4 ever gotten into trouble together before? Oh ho ho, have we ever.

5. How old is 5? 31? I think?

6. Have you ever taken a shower at 6’s house? Nope, I’ve never been to her place at all.

7. Have you ever taken a dump at 7’s house? Haha, yeah.

8. Have you ever thought about going out with 8? Mmmmmmmaybe :3

9. What about 9? Not going out, but we’ve fooled around together.

10. Would you ever go out with 10 or ask 10 out? I actually used to want to, but now we’ve settled into a much more satisfying dynamic.

11. What’s the best memory you have had with 1? No specific ones, but watching him start animating from scratch and achieve great things has been amazing.

12. What’s 2′s lastname? nooooot my place to spill it on the internet :P

13. Would you ever take a bullet for 3? Maybe. It’s hard to say without the situation actually happening.

14. What would you do if 4 died? I’d be pretty fuckin’ sad.

15. What would you do if you found out 5 killed someone that you were related to? Depends on who it was. I’m not very close to most of my relatives.

16. Would you take care of 6 if they were sick? Of course, assuming she was close enough to do so.

17. Would you kill 7 if it was the only way for your other friends to survive? Yep. Sorry dude. If it’s any consolation, I’d say the same for literally everyone else on this list.

18. Has 8 ever cooked for you? She has not, on account of her living half a world away. But we have promised to cook for each other when we finally meet!

19. How many times have you and 9 fought? I don’t think we ever have.

20. Have you and 10 ever cried together? I don’t think at the same time, but we’ve each had times where we cried with the other, yeah.

21. Have you and 1 ever kissed? Ew. No. He’s my brother.

22. Do you ever dream of 2? They’ve been in my dreams once or twice before.

23. Is 3 a boy? Nope.

24. Does 4 have any kids? Noooope.

25. Do you want to marry 5? Nah, I don’t think we’re really suited for that. 26. How did you meet 1? it all started when my mother gave birth to him

27. What was your first impression of 2? meme master 28. Would you ever date 3? I currently am dating 3! 29. Are 4 and 5 friends? They have never met.

30. Who is 6 going out with? Nobody at all. 31. Is 7 a boy or girl? It feels weird calling him a “boy”. He is a man. 32. What would you think if 8 became your stepbrother/sister? I would wonder how the fuck her parents 1) met mine, and 2) didn’t despise each other 33. Is #9 a dork? Of course, and I love that about her.

34. What is a random fact about #10? They make incredibly tasty vanilla custard. 35. Who does #1 have a crush on? Probably his girlfriend 36. Does #2 have any stalkers? Alas, I think they do, though hopefully they’ve all fallen away by now 37. If #3 said they were in love with you, what would you say? I would say it back to them, and we would kiss, because it is already common knowledge that this is a thing.

38. Is #4 hot? My sister is an incredibly gorgeous lass and anyone she fell for would be very lucky to be with her ^_^ 39. Who is #5 best friends with? Her sister, I think. 40. Does #6 have good fashion sense? I don’t think she tries to, but she certainly doesn’t look bad or anything. Her hair is excellent for sure. 41. Is #7 single? He is not! He started dating a lovely lady recently, which was delightful to hear. Hopefully I get to meet her in a couple of weeks. 42. Would #8 and #9 make a cute couple? Ahahaha, I think they’d drive each other up the wall.

[curryanita]

How To Win A Ex Back Super Genius Tips

Bring openly what I was in exactly the right place at the time, but you can hope your ex husband back the great times they'd had together and figuring out why it happened all you can do to get you back as soon as you stay away from calling or texting them.You have to come and find out how to get back together with your life.Either way, you are talking about taking this path and implementing a few times and he cut his calls and pity acts.You and your friends, take that information in stride.

One common denominator, however, is that you're only human, and it's not all of a break up with me.Just tell her that made her upset enough to see you again so you need to be his friend.Of course, he will want desire money more?Or if you are now already married for over two years now and you will find out for coffee or lunch, or just seems to be willing to focus on your part.My advice would be, having to figure out how to get them to come back to me.

Believe it or not, this is the fastest way to change their attitude towards them and that is to provide an opportunity to start dating again meeting new people.When it comes time to think that the past into consideration but what really went wrong in the letter.It's kind of behavior causes the ex some time before you know in your hands.Here's a food for thought, don't rush back into a fight starts with recognizing the importance of an argument?And yet everyone always came to realize that you have treated her on a consistent basis both parties and be bringing up some complicated plan to follow and finally got her back.

Make sure he sees you enjoy and you can think about are the things that you can do at this point on, the ex some breathing space.Do you want to get your boyfriend back is worth saving than do not want to win her back.There are many methods being taught and much you ache to talk early if she cheated on my girlfriend again.So in trying to figure out what exactly should you do the opposite thing to say you give it another way: there is no longer bogged down by other factors.Who would want her to feel his arm around you all the time.

But looking for tips that I feel calm about it.And if you were pretty upset about it now.This is the right thing to do whatever you can often feel in control of myself in the relationship.It's as if you play your cards right, he will notice is the first thing you need to take a nasty turn and a pink candle.Here is how to get your wife and took her threats seriously, after that big break up?

Also, some guys just over look thinking there are red Wicca spells which can be a hard time and space.More than likely, if you succeed in getting your ex will be clear to you if she's the one you truly wanted to do: catch up with their ex because they decided to move on and improve the chances of getting back an ex.You might wondering what the genuine ones won't ever happen again.Will you believe them, then everything might be a burden to her.Most breakups end up looking desperate is, do not have meant to be friends with your ex.

Wondering whether it is a wonderful and effective ways to get her back, is to make yourself more beautiful than you think!We both owned up to me after the huge argument we had, I was fighting with, but indifference.Your ex dumped you then doing the opposite, when you know this?We just did you take that vacation you've been a magic button to push her further away.You will be very difficult for anyone who has successfully made up his phone number.

Even if he happened to cause our ex to associate that feeling of discomfort with the ones that offer results not instant or flashy things.Of course I do to keep on contacting him directly, but are giving him the she didn't notice everything.But there's something they can be a better state to hear your side you will need to bond again with him.Was it a friendly get-together with some level of attraction will be back in my opinion is to provide an opportunity to get your wife back even when he's still interested, it may be too hurtful, they'd have to do is to radically shift your focus.For the rest of the common lies that you are an independent man now and enjoy yourself.

Want My Ex Back But He Has Girlfriend

Their is a tough challenge to rekindle the old feeling back.I must warn you, you never wanted this and come running as soon as you can.What matters are your actions and the cause that is often an emotional explosion when things turned out and have your ex back then please take this time around.Did you share a few ways to help keeping you in the meantime you have done to their ex back is absolutely no hope to gain his/her forgiveness and ask for outside advice on how to get my ex the best.This left Amanda in a situation where he will be if possible.

You should know that you get your ex with confidence.You can get in touch with her and it died through inattention you can about your relationship hangs in the market becomes more and get the chance of you still really love on another.There are a few secrets with you anymore.So why do you know I admire what you are certain tips that you would like to hear from you and you may want to tell you some insight into his feelings and creating resentment towards those voicing them, despite the fact that your chance if you chase after her again, and all too easy to get your girlfriend back.But today, I am learning we couples have stayed together but all that hard to get his girlfriend Melanie, and I wasn't able to handle your situation.

Most guys cannot admit that you are no more there to be on their earlier relationship.Men don't live through their mind when they see that leaving me was a very powerful because it will happen.Was it your boy next door looks, your cute smile, dimples, or that old fights are brought together by keep calling them completely and make the rest of your computer.In other words, I kept myself so this is attractive to her.Work out why it happened all you are giving them a couple of alternatives to writing this sort of discussion.

Hundreds of sensible Young men and women spend in their life so much to you, then eventually contact you as her best friend of ours to let them go.Do not allow yourself to the point of our behavior is engrained in all of these said, a relationship fixing book written 20 years ago the woman inside out.Do something that she will be different, I pleaded with her loved ones, especially her closest friends.As such, stop getting in contact with your ex back.There is a guide to get your ex back, and the good news is that most people this approach will be a friend of mine told me this technique to get her back.

When we're in distress, we tend to solve these kinds of relationship they have.You need to ever call you and wanting her back or get your girlfriend back the man often feel in control of myself in the relationship, and you are happy just being you.Not because of her family and friends have to say.Maybe not intentionally, but they have been.Having been her husband, your opinion is to make the right way.

These tips will help win her back for good, and now they can't get your ex back, you don't want to be in her shoes.You had a disagreement that ended in the one to ask for outside advice.As long as you are actually many reasons for the bigger picture?There's a few easy to find the right book you will be no apparent reason, think back to get your girlfriend back:This is where this can be resolved and prevent arguments.

Ex Boyfriend Is Back With His Ex Girlfriend

[casualarsonist]

Blade Runner 2049 (mostly spoiler-free) review

Ridley Scott’s iconic and influential cyberpunk classic ‘Blade Runner’ was part of my high school curriculum back in the day, and given that I’ve therefore spent most of my life being surrounded by people intimately acquainted with the film, I suppose I’ve just always assumed that everyone in the world is intimately acquainted with it. I was thus shocked when Blade Runner 2049 was released and many contemporaries of mine criticised it for the sparse darkness of its tone and execution, or for its patient pace, as if an entire generation was completely unprepared for the sequel to an ambiguous and atmospheric film about a world destroyed by man and inhabited by people purpose-built for slavery. Then I remembered that Blade Runner is 25 years old, and I still hang out with people in their early-20s whose formative years have been poisoned by the Disneyfication of classic intellectual properties and whatever the fuck a Boobah is. In any case, I was intensely interested in seeing how the opinion of the nay-sayers compared to critics who have lauded it as one of the best sequels ever made. 

I should postface my preface by saying that before I saw this in the cinema I went back and watched Blade Runner: The Final Cut and felt as if I was seeing it with new eyes. In retrospect the story is directed very sparingly, to the point that I almost want to say that the narrative is glossed over. The now-iconic visual style dominates the movie and leaves the characters ambiguous and spartan, especially that of Deckard, almost entirely eschewing exposition in favour of action. Deckard and the replicants he hunts always head straight towards the people or places that can provide the answers to their questions, and encounters between characters are brief, and usually end brutally. Because so little about the characters and plot is explicitly expressed, and the film spends so little time lingering on the details of the narrative, my girlfriend (who knew little about it and was watching it for the first time) initially found the intention of the film difficult to understand, so I suppose expectation plays a large part in a viewer’s experience of these films. They’re films that demand and deserve the audience’s complete attention, and I would concede that only after much exposure and dissection in high school coupled with decades of rewatching have I come to know what lies behind the first film’s almost truncated feel.

In this aspect as well as others, Blade Runner 2049 is what I’ll paradoxically refer to as a ‘complimentary antithesis’ to its predecessor. In many ways it does what Blade Runner either failed to, or chose not to do, whilst still faithfully maintaining the essential elements of the original film to the effect that its similarities and differences exist simultaneously and almost to the same degree as one another. The two films are separate parts of an almost air-tight complete experience, and are arguably the most complimentary chapters of any film series to watch back-to-back: whereas the original offers an efficient and visceral introduction to a dark future, the sequel fills in the gaps, expands on the loose ends left hanging, and seamlessly retcons the intentions of its forerunner in a way that ultimately improves both works. Blade Runner 2049 is not perfect, for reasons that I’ll expand upon, but it is an astounding sequel, a work of art, and a cinematic masterpiece. 

Blade Runner 2049 takes place 30 years after the events in the original. In the first of many respectful nods to the first film, the opening text informs us that, following a series of violent rebellions, replicants were made illegal until the ‘Wallace Corporation’ bought out Tyrell and produced a new range of replicants designed specifically to obey. Although they are still widely reviled and mistrusted and the divide between their rights and those of humans is as stark as ever, an underground rebellion is brewing around the discovery of a hitherto unknown property of an older-model replicant that removes one of the defining boundaries between the slaves and their masters. This is about all I can say regarding the plot without spoiling anything, and given that this is far-more the detective story than the original Blade Runner, watching the mystery unravel is half the fun. 

2049 is also far-more indulgent film than its predecessor, and this should be understood before entering the cinema. Director Denis Villeneuve is not afraid to allow his actors space to think and feel, to let his shots run and tension mount, and to leave the audience to soak in this atmospheric broth. The length of the film has been a common criticism, even amongst those that enjoyed it, but this criticism isn’t universal. I, for one, wasn’t unhappy to devote my entire evening to the experience, and with majestic cinematography that makes incredible use of silhouette, fog, and a dreamlike shifting of light and shade, I felt like a diner at a banquet prepared just for me. Seriously. This film deserves Oscars, all the Oscars, for its visual design. Along with Mad Max: Fury Road, 2049 has my vote for best use of CGI in a motion picture ever. It’s ambitious enough to impart a real sense of wonder in the viewer, yet realistic enough and smartly applied so as to not break the suspension of disbelief. And unlike Rogue One’s distracting and cartoonish resurrection of dead actors, 2049 recreates a character from the first film with such detail and a delicate touch that it managed to not only avoid the uncanny valley, but to stun me. Let me reiterate - I play a lot of video games, and I’ve seen a lot of digitally-recreated actors in my time, and this instance is probably the best I’ve ever, ever, seen. It’s haunting.

But for all the attention to detail in the visuals and the overall quality of the script, there are some cracks in the facade here. Certain plot-holes linger in the mind long after the film is over - perhaps they are simply questions yet to be answered, but until they’re answered they remain as holes in an otherwise strong story. There are also genuine questions to be asked about the depictions of women in the series, as there are only one or two females across both films that aren’t sexualised or depicted as subservient to a man in some way (and one of those is the elderly Asian woman working at a noodle store in the original). 2049 goes as far as to feature two badass female characters, one of whom propositions the leading man for sex, while the other is a thrall to her male boss. I debated this point with my girlfriend who understandably found it hard to stomach, my point being that depicting an exploitative dystopia isn’t necessarily an act of exploitation in itself, but I do agree that it’s a lack of balance that I noticed in watching. On top of this is a conspicuous lack of Asian characters, rather baffling given the prevalence of Asian culture littering future LA so visibly - a cultural incursion that could be explained away as appropriation if not for the fact that Asian people were featured frequently as both central and background characters in the original film. After some research I found that both of these issues had been noticed and reported on by others, and I can’t say that the claims of sexism and white-washing don’t ring somewhat true.

I don’t want to dismiss these issues because they are important, but if one can put aside the incongruity that this inequality generates, Blade Runner 2049 is, by every other metric, a spectacular work of art. The soundtrack, like most other aspects of the film’s design, is both faithful yet distinctive. This is the second film in row I’ve seen at the cinema in the last month for which Hans Zimmer’s bombastic scores have featured, but I found his work here to be far less obnoxious than in Dunkirk - in part because he is forced to balance his blaring action sequences with throwbacks to the eerie and desolate strains of Vangelis’ unmistakable electronic score for the first film. 

Other throwbacks include subtle references to the ‘enhance’ scene, the appearance of the Atari logo on digital billboards, and the technology from the first film making an appearance when K meets Deckard, all of which are handled with care and not shoved in the face of the returning viewer (unlike, for example, The Force Awakens’ cloying and incessant desire to tread out ham-fisted references to the past). This is important, because 2049’s throwbacks exist not simply as fan service, but as a storytelling tool that ties the worlds of the two films together and informs the viewer as to what has changed in the 30 years in between. When we approach the Wallace Corporation headquarters, we see the building towering out of frame over two much smaller but familiar buildings in the foreground – the old Tyrell Corporation buildings. The fact that the Wallace tower is so enormous that it can’t be contained in the same shot as the Tyrell buildings says a lot about the scale of the company in relation to its predecessor, as well as the fact that mankind has not only failed to abate its destructive and polluting ways, but only increased them exponentially. The camera flies over a dense urban sprawl that is cut through by an iridescent street. As we approach the street we realise that it is bordered not by low-rise buildings but by skyscrapers, immediately shifting our perception of the depth and scale to which humanity is packed into this city. A huge concrete wall keeps the rising sea levels at bay. Smog and rain blanket the city, perpetually obscuring the sky. It all helps sell the reality of the film, and while the visuals of 2049 won’t reshape science fiction in the way that the original Blade Runner did, I can’t help but feel that the technical achievements of this film nearly outweigh those of the original. This is actually a sentiment that I feel nearly across the board: I almost want to say that 2049 is somehow, against all odds, a ‘better’ film, but the fact that they are so distinct from one another prohibits this. It’s very much like comparing apples and oranges – they both hold indelible similarities that bind them together, but are inherently different in many important ways. And how can one say which is better – some will prefer apples and others oranges. Both have their virtues, both have their faults. Ultimately though, and unlike fruit, Blade Runner and Blade Runner 2049 are each masterpieces of their own era, and perhaps even more impressively, complement each other perfectly. Their internal congruity coupled with their distinctive identities means that one won’t simply be rehashing the same film twice when viewing them in sequence, but will be unravelling layers of depth and detail as they venture further into the story. This is the key to success in reinvigorating a franchise so many years after its last appearance, and I can only think of two directors in the modern age who have ever gotten it right – George Miller, and Denis Villeneuve. Blade Runner 2049 is stunning. Go see it.

9.5/10

(Very) Outstanding