#most of them didnt want to be here either but she was likr 13 and freaking the fuck out so its understandable
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Every time I have an awkward interaction I want to die.
#stuff sarah says#and every time we kiss i swear i could fly#jokes aside i really hate it#like can i not be in agony every time something is a little awkward?#all it was was me saying it was time for me to leave and waiting for an affirmative so i knew it was okay#like its not the end of the world but i feel like i can see it from here#anyway when i was like 13 i started hanging out with the friend group i was with through high school#bc one of the girls (the leader in the way friend groups often have them?) asked me to a sleepover bc she felt sorry for me#and she later like literally told me that#and idk ive been thinking about that a lot lately bc of the music ive been listening to bc im listening to it for the first time#but they all really liked the band back then and were pretty adamant that i wouldnt and idk it made me feel like i didn't belong#which like i guess i didnt in a way? and i never really belonged anywhere#but anyway like. can you really blame me for being afraid of social interaction and always thinking people will hate me#when most of my formative years were spent with people who either wanted to take advantage of me and thats why they liked me#or with people who felt sorry for me. i remember another friend group. this one more in elementary school. likr late. 6th grade.#saying i was like a lost puppy and that comparison still hurts so bad to this day#so just like i dont get what people would ever like about me so i have to act perfect to make up for it bc apparently im pretty undesirable#and this isnt me asking for compliments in fact please dont bc ill feel bad about it#i just like. please understand i am still unlearning a lot of this and some days are easier#and rn im emotional and want to cry or scratch my face off bc i felt awkward at work and i just have to live like this#sorry im weird in friendships. i mostly assume people dont actually want me around#bc the alternative is that they want to hurt me and at least tolerating me out of pity is neutral?#fuck idk
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