#my clearest blue by chvrches agenda strikes again

[jemmo]

when i read this post from @emotionallychargedtowel and they said this about the game jihyun plays with jaewon right at the end of episode 10:

“the show makes a strong case for normalizing expecting a lot from–and being willing to offer a lot to–one’s partner... In a very real sense, Ji Hyun is saying, “if you distance yourself from me, I’ll pursue you. If you pursue me, I won’t distance myself.””

i couldn’t help but think, humour, hope, that the universal queer song, one of my queer anthem, would work for this show. and by god, clearest blue by chvrches does.

“if ever i try to push away, you can just keep me, tell me, tell me, tell me you’ll meet me tell me, tell me you’ll keep me tell me, tell me you’ll meet me will you meet me more than halfway?”

bc this song is just so jaewon at the end of episode 9, thinking about jihyun, wanting to have him, but needing jihyun to ‘meet him more than halfway’. just like what was said above, we so often talk about boundaries and limits in relationships, dont give your whole self away, as if restraint is equated to self respect. but a relationship is exactly where you shouldnt feel bad for holding those expectations, or for wanting to offer more. jihyun says in that game “if you take two steps back, i will take three steps forward”; i will meet you more than halfway. i will not just meet you and wait for you to take that final step, to close that gap, i will not expect that of you when i can do that myself. and i love that neither jaewon’s distance nor jihyun’s pursuit feels vilified in the show. its understandable, we hate those that hurt their partners and push them away, but we equally shout at the screen when someone who’s been pushed away doesn’t just give in. we have that ‘move on, he’s not worth it, hes not worthy of it’ response. we flip between that and the ‘i can fix him’ mentality, but when its something like this situation with jaewon, jihyun is not a fool, he doesnt respect or value himself any less, for waiting, for being patient, but also being steadfast and determined in his feelings for jaewon. he gives more bc jaewon in that moment cannot meet him halfway, and so he takes those extra steps, continues to reach out and think of him and maintain open communication. he outright refutes jaewon’s attempts to distance, and i love that that is what ultimately brings them back together. bc what jaewon needs, as he says on the beach, “you said if i was having a hard time, i could reach out to you”, and is the poignant line from tms “if its hard for you, i’ll go to you”, is someone that he can expect more from. he has perpetually played the nice guy role, the never wanting to upset anyone, always mature, always there to support others role, and what he needs is the selfishness to not only think about his owns feelings like the therapist says, but the selfishness to expect more of those around him, and have someone he can depend on, someone that will go that extra step when getting there was hard enough.

i really really couldn’t recommend listening to this song and reading the lyrics enough bc there’s rawness and honesty and desperation in how simple and to the point they are, and i know they can’t do it bc heartstopper beat them to it but that final kiss could easily be played along to the climax of this song and it wouldve broken me all over again, so i’ll just end another favourite part of the lyrics that i think work perfectly;

“just another time that i go down, but you are keeping up, holding to a hope you’ll undermine, never to be reversed”