#but god this just works so perfectly for jaewon in that moment

[jemmo]

when i read this post from @emotionallychargedtowel and they said this about the game jihyun plays with jaewon right at the end of episode 10:

“the show makes a strong case for normalizing expecting a lot from–and being willing to offer a lot to–one’s partner... In a very real sense, Ji Hyun is saying, “if you distance yourself from me, I’ll pursue you. If you pursue me, I won’t distance myself.””

i couldn’t help but think, humour, hope, that the universal queer song, one of my queer anthem, would work for this show. and by god, clearest blue by chvrches does.

“if ever i try to push away, you can just keep me, tell me, tell me, tell me you’ll meet me tell me, tell me you’ll keep me tell me, tell me you’ll meet me will you meet me more than halfway?”

bc this song is just so jaewon at the end of episode 9, thinking about jihyun, wanting to have him, but needing jihyun to ‘meet him more than halfway’. just like what was said above, we so often talk about boundaries and limits in relationships, dont give your whole self away, as if restraint is equated to self respect. but a relationship is exactly where you shouldnt feel bad for holding those expectations, or for wanting to offer more. jihyun says in that game “if you take two steps back, i will take three steps forward”; i will meet you more than halfway. i will not just meet you and wait for you to take that final step, to close that gap, i will not expect that of you when i can do that myself. and i love that neither jaewon’s distance nor jihyun’s pursuit feels vilified in the show. its understandable, we hate those that hurt their partners and push them away, but we equally shout at the screen when someone who’s been pushed away doesn’t just give in. we have that ‘move on, he’s not worth it, hes not worthy of it’ response. we flip between that and the ‘i can fix him’ mentality, but when its something like this situation with jaewon, jihyun is not a fool, he doesnt respect or value himself any less, for waiting, for being patient, but also being steadfast and determined in his feelings for jaewon. he gives more bc jaewon in that moment cannot meet him halfway, and so he takes those extra steps, continues to reach out and think of him and maintain open communication. he outright refutes jaewon’s attempts to distance, and i love that that is what ultimately brings them back together. bc what jaewon needs, as he says on the beach, “you said if i was having a hard time, i could reach out to you”, and is the poignant line from tms “if its hard for you, i’ll go to you”, is someone that he can expect more from. he has perpetually played the nice guy role, the never wanting to upset anyone, always mature, always there to support others role, and what he needs is the selfishness to not only think about his owns feelings like the therapist says, but the selfishness to expect more of those around him, and have someone he can depend on, someone that will go that extra step when getting there was hard enough.

i really really couldn’t recommend listening to this song and reading the lyrics enough bc there’s rawness and honesty and desperation in how simple and to the point they are, and i know they can’t do it bc heartstopper beat them to it but that final kiss could easily be played along to the climax of this song and it wouldve broken me all over again, so i’ll just end another favourite part of the lyrics that i think work perfectly;

“just another time that i go down, but you are keeping up, holding to a hope you’ll undermine, never to be reversed”

[fmdjaewonarchive]

► alarm.

date(s): 25 july - 20 august 2020 mentions of: soo (very briefly, like, literally once) word count: 1,439 warnings: n/a details: a solo for the first two episodes of our songs filming, mainly focussed on the creative process behind writing alarm.

‘i’m feeling pretty confident’ had been one of jaewon’s closing remark when they had interviewed him as they had finished the first day of filming when they had just received the mission.

of course, that was a big fucking lie.

jaewon’s confidence was nowhere to be found, neither were any actual ideals as to how to tackle the mission. all there was was the overwhelming anxiety about how he was going to mess this up, how he was gonna fail before he even got to properly try.

a song that would convince everyone to listen to his music, that had to be a damn joke right? jaewon couldn’t name a single reason as to why anyone should listen to his music, he just made something that sounded good to his own ears and hoped anyone would share the sentiment. the longer he thought about it, the more he felt like truly he had nothing to do on this show.

what had he gotten himself into?

-----------------------------------------------------

the thing was, jaewon wasn’t a composer. he had dabbled around in it a little bit but none of it had ever been shared with the world and that was for a very simple reason, he didn’t think his work was anywhere near professional enough to be released for other people to hear.

dimensions entertainment seemed to agree with that, which was why the had put him in one of the companies many studios with one of the in-house producers.

(a part of jaewon felt like this was cheating. surely, plenty of the other contestants possessed the skill to manage the entire creative process behind their songs themselves. didn’t that in itself mean they were much more talented than he was? what did they still need this fucking show for?)

“the theme is identity right?” the producer asked. he knew the man decently well, they’d worked together on a few songs through the years which at least meant that he was familiar with jaewon’s music to some degree. “so what of your currently released songs describes your identity the most? that should give us a decent starting point for creating an instrumental you can work with.”

jaewon’s eyebrows furrowed together at the question. a long, silent moment passing as he contemplated the answer. “anything from biorhythm.” he responded, expression wry as he remembered his last album, what a mess that had been. “roommates only or still if you want me to get specific.”

“and you want another song like those on biorhythm?” the producer asked. it was a fair question. if there was one thing jaewon had been guilty of so far with his music it was probably getting stuck in his comfort zone, any songs that he had a big creative input in had always been written for himself, not because he had been tasked to do so but because they came easily to him. he had yet to really branch out of that safe zone.

but this mission was about his identity and if anything described his identity well, it was probably the biorhythm album.

“yeah, for now i do.” jaewon admitted with a light nod. “might i actually manage to get somewhere on this show i can worry about experimenting or thinking outside the box or whatever.” if he would even get that far and with how it was going so far, jaewon didn’t know if he dared to hope for that. “for now i think i need something familiar, something that fits in well with the rest of my music.” in an afterthought he added “like, my actual music, not whatever dimensions decided my sound was for that cluster fuck of a last album.” and the comment earned him a humored scoff from the producer before they got to work.

they ended up working way longer than the initially scheduled studio time, evening bleeding into the night before either of them really realized it. but the hard work paid off because by the time he bids the producer a good night and goes home, jaewon has the bare bones of a song. so far, the track was a gentle piano tune that blended into a deep, more electronic bass sound in the chorus that added to the overarching melancholic feel of the song.

most importantly, it sounded like his song. the producer had painstakingly made sure that every sound, every beat had been to jaewon’s liking, perfectly tailored to a song that sounded so entirely his that it felt like the man had been reading his mind. only it sounded better than anything jaewon could have ever made with his own two hands.

it managed to calm his nerve some, having a solid starting point to start working from. maybe, this wasn’t doomed to go wrong after all, maybe jaewon could manage to stand his ground in this competition after all. for the first episodes then at least.

also, he really owed this poor producer something for keeping him up till like 3 am.

-----------------------------------------------------

logically, the next step was to write the lyrics, simple enough right?

except it wasn’t.

it hadn’t been for a lack of trying, there had been multiple days so far where jaewon had locked himself in his home studio, trying to force himself to write the damn song already with very little success. there had been a few drafts, all of which he had abandoned long before they could really take a solid shape. none of it was simply good enough.

how was he gonna prove himself as a songwriter if he couldn’t even write one fucking song?

the biggest problem was that jaewon was slowly running out of time. he had told himself to make sure he had the bulk of his work done by the 7th of august. not because he would be pushing the deadline too soon otherwise, hell, the final version didn’t have to be in till the 30th. but unity made their comeback on the 7th (their first one in over a year) and jaewon knew it would take a huge toll on the time he had to write, he had to be done before then.

instead, the 7th came and went without a single lyric written.

it was the 12th already (or maybe technically the 13th already judging by how late at night it was) when he found time to withdraw himself into his home studio again and truth be told, jaewon had little faith he would actually be able to get anything done. he was absolutely drained, the day had been long and hectic and judging from the fact he had to do the whole circus over again the next day as well, starting way too early in the damn morning, he probably direly needed his sleep.

god, all jaewon wanted was to sleep in, just one day, no alarms or anything.

now wait a damn minute…

maybe tonight would amount to something after all.

for someone that had been so lethargic mere minutes ago, jaewon managed to pull up audio file of the track in mere seconds, listening to the instrumental in it’s entirety a time or two, tapping his fingers along on the desk to the music before he began writing.

don’t set it today alarm, alarm, alarm, close, close, close your eyes

he finished the entire first draft that night, only forcing himself to put the pen down so he would at least sleep. the irony of the situation mocked him as he put his alarm for 6am before getting in bed and wrapping himself around soo for a mere 2 hours of sleep but he didn’t dwell on it.

-----------------------------------------------------

it took him another two late night sessions to finish up the lyrics for the final product but truth be told, said studio time was divided between nearly falling asleep and actually writing as unity’s promotions began to weight down on him harder the more they progressed.

not that there was much of a rush. the official recording was only scheduled for the 20th of august to incorporate whatever working points that had come from the live preview he had given during filming a few days earlier into the final version of the song.

he was yet again aided by the same producer that he had been working with before, the one that had so kindly composed the instrumental for him. “you ready?” the man asked through microphone connecting to the recording booth.

“yeah, yeah let’s do this.” jaewon responded, words followed with a half-hearted thumbs up before adjusting the headphones on his head. he looked almost confident in the whole thing.

almost.

[rkmason]

2017 SEPTEMBER 6, MAKE A WISH ROME ┄ ·˚

it’s sad to think that this would be the first time in three years that she wouldn’t be spending his birthday with him. the first time in a number of years that she wouldn’t get to see his face ripple from surprise to happiness in a matter of seconds. a small wonder jihyun likes to add to her own very detailed list of things she adored about rome – whether he knows about said list has yet to be disclosed ( though, she was sure he did know a few of her favorite things about him ). this year comes a little too fast, too much happens within the span of days leading up to his birthday that plans that have been made from the month prior are stalled – they’re crossed off her list of things to do and instead changed to fit the time. 

gone were the silly costumes and the small, intimate gathering. she’s back to square one and left with nothing but her gifts and an unwritten note before her eyes. she hates to think he’ll be without her this year,  so she tries her hardest to make up for it. details are back into place, a new plan in motion as she hurries within the span of a week to get everything in order ( on top of packing her bags and not feeling overly emotional ). she prepares the notes in order; polaroids scattered at the bottom of the box on top of the jacket she has nestled at the bottom. each layer holds a piece of her heart, among the many others she knows rome cares for. if jihyun couldn’t be with him on his birthday, she hopes that a small piece of everyone could make up for it. 

she hides the box in the very same place, the most frequented place in her apartment – the coat closet at the end of the hall. a trail of pink sticky notes lead him quick; hung several days too early. the most remarkable is the red one placed at the surface of the box’s cap. 

    DO NOT OPEN UNTIL YOUR BIRTHDAY ❤                    absolutely no peeking ! 

she has no way of knowing if he’s seen it before his birthday ( a text or so could spoil the surprise ) but she leaves it be, the fate of his gift is in his hands. whether he opens it early or not is if he so wishes – jihyun wouldn’t be there to stop him.

once opened: the box is covered like every other gift he receives from jihyun. a mess of confetti and tissue paper, of crumpled old seoul newspapers and crazy fashion pages. all of which cover up a perfectly wrapped box; sky blue wrapping paper with crisp edges and a red ribbon to lock it in tight. unwrapped lies a black cassette tape with scotch glued to the front. hangang 한강 scrawled in black expo marker casts a name to an otherwise unknown device. beneath the wrapped cassette tape lies another mess of white.

below the second crumpled mess that was white tissue paper and ripped up newspaper was a black letterman jacket; leather on the sleeves, wool lapels and gold accents. on the right side of the lapel, written in white calligraphy was his special moniker B.YU. jihyun knew the saying by heart, how could she not – it was one of the first things she remembered him saying when she first met him. his own special mantra, one that screamed individuality more than anything. another thing added to her list. the back was the prime jewel; written in white ink were names, signatures actually, of all his k-illustrate buddies, of seik and dabin, of his siblings, of yixing, yien, ariel, bobby and her own. ( she was going to get hyemin and jaewon to sign it but she couldn’t only do so much ) and to top it off, along the shoulders were his family’s signatures; a feat that literally did need the week intermission before his birthday, their signatures were the cherry on the cake. and if jihyun couldn’t be with him this year, the least she could do was get his family to somewhat be there. they’d be there with him, at least – hypothetically. 

and last, but certainly not least, were the photographs – something that had literally taken ages. what were supposed to be hung from the ceiling of a rented bar were the polaroids that jihyun had spent almost all summer collecting. from june to the very last second of august. each and every polaroid showcased every member she knew loved rome almost as much as she did. of all the people she had garnered signatures from, their faces shine bright in colored print. from those who held the jacket gifted in their hands, to just the people themselves, all smiles and notes written on each white plane. small greetings of birthday cheers and wishes for the birthday boy are scrawled in black ink. a tale jihyun knows will probably take rome ages to get through; especially when it comes to the polaroids of his parents and siblings. she knows it’s not enough but she hopes it makes up for her absence. her own frozen in time in her very own polaroid; the black letterman caved around her thin frame, her face all smiles for the camera, already knowing rome would be the one looking at the image. 

her message reads:

happy birthday, love ! oh my god, you’re getting so old.  i can’t believe you’re already 22 ! who knew you would survive this long here in seoul ~ !  hah, kidding ~ of course you’d survive. you’re wolverome, you can get through everything you put your mind through ! especially this year, you’ve been through so much and i’m so proud of everything you’ve overcome. i’m especially happy to be by your side, seeing you through everything. your ups and downs ( even though you’re literally the worst and never tell me when you’re hurt, istg if you break your arm again i’m going to break your ears ), and just being with you makes me happy because you’ve just been there and i’ve always needed someone to keep me sane, to remind me that i’m so much more than what i think of myself.  that’s why i’m in love with you and continue to love you because you never forget to help me remind myself of who i am. i also love who i’ve become since i’ve been with you, and i’ll never forget it. god, this is so cheesy. i’m running out of space and you better not bug me about any of this later but –

i love you, you goofy sap ❤

it’s all written in english, squiggly writing – nearly scrawled up and down, front and back; all the way from margin to margin until there’s no room left to write. 

and the very least is when the ‘hangang’ cassette tape, as it’s so labeled, is placed in the record player he had bought for her on her birthday two years ago. when play is pressed, it begins like any other song. the small change in tone is one jihyun is unfamiliar with when it comes to recording songs, it’s her first korean song she’s been able to record among the many she has written. it’s the first she’s given, ever. the fact that it’s for rome makes it all the more special, especially when he was on her mind the whole two years it took her to write it. of course she had help composing the beat, but the words, themselves, worked out for the best. 

they’re from the heart, every which way. truly, madly, deeply the song sparks memories from years ago, even before seoul. of blue seas and a new city to be explored. of a young boy and girl just meeting and blurring the lines of friendship before the first kiss that never came.

( until almost six years later ) 

it’s a small piece of her heart, a little more of her soul further placed in his hands – this time her voice comes along for the ride. what little she could do is nestled in this box, her heart, her smile – her voice was his to have. her love was already his, anyways. 

He’d been through it before. Hell, he could say he’s used to it. Days and even nights in the apartment without her. This is different. It feels empty without her and he used to feel her presence in the place when she wasn’t there. Now as she prepares to move, he feels pieces of himself fall out of place within the four walls. It wasn’t about the fact that she was achieving her dreams. He wanted that for her, he’d do anything to make sure she gets everything she wants, but it was that he felt like he was losing a piece of their history. They’d gone through so much in this apartment alone. His heart had been beaten and brought back to life with such small hands. He’d found sadness and the greatest joy he knows right here. Besides, Domo was starting to accept him more and more these days. Can’t dislike the hand that feeds you and takes you on walks, right? 

Leaving the apartment was leaving a piece of his head behind too, hoping she’ll come back to reclaim it and that’s the real reason he’s saddened over it. Because he wishes she could stay in his arms forever but she belongs on a stage. He’s known that from the moment he’s met her and he pushes a sigh away as he opens the door, Domo running in before him once the leash is off. When Domo crosses in front of him with a flash of pink, Rome panics. Fuck, what is this dog eating now? Since moving to Seoul, he’d never searched “can dogs eat _____” so much in his life. Chasing Domo takes a few years off his life and he questions his stamina as he plops down on the couch, smoothing out the paper against his thigh and staring at it confused. “How’d you get this, bud?” 

He’s ignored, to which Rome isn’t surprised, as the dog wanders back towards the source and he puzzledly realizes there’s more. Post-its form a line towards a familiar place and he can’t help chuckling under his breath as he opens the closet door, wonders if it’s their own hidden treasure trove because he can’t picture receiving anything he wouldn’t love in this closet. What was once a secret hiding spot for a gift she didn’t think she was ready to give him is clearly painted out for him this time around. It reminds him of how he wanted to make every memory better, stronger, the way he feels around her. The reason he wanted to go back to the beach from that night is probably the same reason she wanted to do this again because they deserve happier stories, because embracing their past and moving on to the future is what he does best when he has her. He can take on the whole world as long as he has her on his side. 

The next few days feel like pure torture and after being asked if he already opened it when he sent her a snapchat of his discovery, he told himself he had to have the will to wait. Rome can’t say patience isn’t a strong point of his when he waited so long to be with her. A few days to wait for whatever she’s prepared to capture his heart all over again isn’t too bad. His patience dwindles the closer to his birthday it gets and if it wasn’t for his friends taking him out, he would’ve opened it right at midnight, would’ve opened it during the phone call he makes to her just to hear her voice. He had no idea that he could’ve opened the gift to hear her voice again too. 

He can’t see her but she still takes his breath away like it’s her special skill and Rome has half a mind to tell her to list it the way she told him to list his shoulders years ago. It’s still a skill he proudly shows off. The sheer amount of time it would’ve taken to do this baffles him and he’s speechless, glad he opened it in private except for the curious eyes of Domo as he moves around the apartment. Restless legs taking him to the couch to the kitchen counter and back again as he holds onto the jacket for dear life, polaroids in his hands. What magic does she have to make him feel so weak, so hopelessly in love with her? He’s been holding back tears since he caught sight of his family’s familiar handwriting and he finally understands why Chris has been such an asshole sending him smirking emojis without a single word because he’s the last to understand just how much she loves him too. 

Years ago, he thought this was it, that he’d pine for her the way he did since that summer, since the kiss he waited months for, since he first heard that intoxicating siren song. Years ago, he thought he’d drift out at sea forever, now he knows she’s always gonna lead him home. He held back the tears the whole time until he read her letter, until he can read the words and swears he hears the i love you as he does. 

Years ago, they’d made a promise. Spend each other’s birthdays together and he isn’t with her right now, but this feels close. His heart swells and hell yeah this is pretty close. He hasn’t even gotten to the tape when he’s reminded of it by Domo nudging it with his nose. Listening to it brings him back to sand in his toes, the sun in his eyes, and his heart in someone else’s hands. She brings him home again and he wishes he could do that for her too, he wishes she was home. When his phone lights up, when a certain ringtone plays, he thinks he’s a fool again. Distance is nothing with a love like this.