#my dad is also disabled. but that doesn't fucking change ANYTHING of what he called me!

[captainfightingflower]

My dad just called me a disability slur...and my mom is trying to make ME out as in the wrong because i dared to get angry about it.

I....what the fuck. Because i couldn’t pick up invisible micro pieces of glass shards i shouldn’t even be forced to pick up?! I genuinely don’t know what to think about that...i live with these people my whole life, and that’s how he sees me as?

[avisisisis]

been rewatching rtte

toothless is called T multiple times, but the letter T doesn't exist in the alphabet of this world

i think hiccup was also called H???

hiccup went to the wedding of the man who tried to kill him and his family multiple times. no wonder he thought he could change drago's mind

snotlout is canonically a theater kid

"you're so small and cuddly" "please never say that again"

the twins are really smart, but they're also just stupid

hiccup straight up disappears when he's working on something

heather had a super noticeable crush on astrid

fishlegs got a love interest!! a plus size main character actually has a cool, badass love interest!

it was super hetnormative but it was cute

there was an island full of flying women who were implied to regularly commit cannibalism

hiccup taught all the riders how to fly with toothless, that's so sweet

everyone is a flat earther except for the twins

hiccup almost directly killed a lot of people

and killed a LOT more when destroying their ships

“scalding– cal..ding--" "toothle, plama bla!" was pretty much the funniest part of the entire series

dagur was bullied as a kid by a guy 8 years older than him who literally tattooed an imagine of him beating up little dagur in his arm??? What was that all about

actually we need to talk about how messed up everything about dagur is and about how the things that could've/did happen(ed) to him may be the reasons why he's Like That

just why was he imprisoned by the outcasts??? he didn't do anything to them directly

oof my brain is spiraling. "he loved you" "ig now we'll never know" what do you mean he didn't know if his dad loved him

there's a technically musical episode

tuffnut became hiccup's defense attorney and immediately got him the death sentence

hiccup regularly jumps off cliffs

he also jumped off a boat, with his arms tied and without toothless. just where did he think he was going

snotlout's annoying attitude is actually because spitelout pressures him too much and he feels like he has to be perfect for his dad :((

THE 'HICCUP'S EVIL MIRROR' VILLAIN THEME DONE RIGHT YESS!!!

viggo is the best httyd villain change my mind (you can't, swords at sundown, you may bring backup but i will win on my own)

skrill comeback skrill comeback SKRILL COMEBACK!!!!

"COMEEE TO DADDY"

what is a boar pit???

oh my god i had missed this series so much. it has no right to be this funny

this was my childhood. it has forever shaped the way i am

berserker heather the unhinged >>>

actually good disability rep! yay

hiccup complains about his peg leg pinching him

he straight up cannot walk without it and it is shown many times

"well, there are the benefits of a metal leg" after it got caught in a bear trap

funny moments, like snotlout trying to steal it to use it as a weapon

the jokes!! toothless laughing at the jokes!!! hiccup being so fucking done with the twins, who are always making the jokes!

there's an episode where everyone is so sleep deprived they actually start spiraling

astrid becomes a happy go lucky girl, hugs snotlout and tells him he's handsome

the fucking mood swings snotlout got were insane

the twins were straight up just hallucinating

"i sent them to wash their dragons, how could they mess that up?" cut to heather falling on her face with a bucket full of water in her hands

fishlegs becomes so paranoid, he's yelling at everyone all the time

"don't you know the trapper's trap can trap the trapper?? ...oh gods, i must be losing it, i'm quoting dagur"

YOOOO VALKA!!!! it's so nice to see her

hiccup tried to murder dagur to stop him from getting to toothless, which is scary bc it shows just how far he's willing to go for his bff, but also funny because hiccup. that was not going to work

oh the hiccstrid slowburn, how i have missed you

the twins's made up language

there was a beach episode turned murder mystery and a musical episode held at gun point

hiccup has a whole little speech that he periodically gives astrid to remind her that the twins serve a purpose

[blackstarchanx3new]

Creations AU, But I obnoxiously over explain it PT 9

I wanna be a mobile supercomputer

A vision of the future

Begin the cyber revolution

Mechanical fusion

The perfect evolution

These simple parts of mine are interchangeable

Unlimited connections when you're digital

Becoming one with wires is sensational

Go out with the old and in with the new

Hehe Mike's gone for awhile.

Michael continues to throw a childish tantrum about it despite this being 100% his own fault lmao.

Bonnie is great, you tell him. X'D

DAMN BONNIE OKAY!? Pessimism cranked up to the max.

Though it is nice to see he's concerned about Mike.

HAHA WOAH WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY MICHAEL!?

BACK IT UP.

So he DOES know Cody's in an animatronic...

And he DOES KNOW Bonnie was somebody before being an animatronic.

AND SO DOES BONNIE!?

This loops back to: Bonnie and Michael are CLOSE. They clearly talk/have talked about things far beyond what Mike or the audience would have any knowledge about lmfao.

A disturbing thing to think about is how Bonnie KNOWS he is some random dead person inside a fucking fur suit without any control over that. Like Jeez.

That's a blink and you'll miss it kind of piece of dialogue because it doesn't linger past like 2 panels. I have no idea how Webtoon people would have reacted to this information: Because as we have established they didn't pay attention to begin with, but ALSO these pages weren't ever uploaded and even if they WERE we would be FAR past when I decided to disable comments.

It also is telling Michael wants to take over this place and get it out from under William's thumb. He IS actually committed to changing this place from what it is. He and William are not on the same side hah and Michael is not a fan of the murder which it's all but verbally conformed he knows his father is doing.

Anyways best boy Sammy's back.

He says something to the affect of "You're loud/annoying" I forgot which. X'D

Michael is easily offended over Sammy's entire existence so he doesn't take the dad comment nicely.

Lmao Bonnie's vices coming back. He will sell you out.

This applies to everyone. X'D

Bonnie calling Michael "Mikey" is funny considering he refuses to call Mike by his real name BECAUSE Michael is the "Mike" of the place lmfao. We get basically conformation a few times Michael used to go by "Mike" exclusively before our grey haired beauty showed up lmfao.

Bonnie wants them baked goods lmfao.

Also Sammy IS somewhat like Michael described lmfao. Smug at least.

Does this lend anything to the "he's only doing it to annoy Michael" idea?

Ehhhhh. Maybe. X'D Either way Sammy's a colorful character lmfao. I love him. I just love the absolute powerplay of "I fucked your dad last night"

Like Sammy- BRO. You didn't have to obliterate Michael like that-

Booking it out of there to go get laid. Sammy's an absolute chad.

I absolutely love the panel of Michael screaming like a cat while Bonnie holds him lmfao.

And them quickly making up as long as Bonnie shares shows what kind of friendship they have haha. Bonnie's betrayals aren't enough to cause a rift between them even for a moment as all his anger was directed at Sammy lmfao.

Michael enjoying getting high is also a funny notion considering how much of a good boy he pretends to be.

They talk on discord lmfao.

Cody's screen name being "Yellow bear" is a reference to Golden Freddy only being called "Yellow bear" in the game files of FNAF 1.

Freddy is flirty with everyone. Turns out he was just complimenting himself indirectly.

This is also further pointing out the suit Cody is in is NOT the one that bit his head but a recolored Freddy costume. Which like, again draws attention to the Fredbear animatronic we've seen through the series as odd.

Cody isn't a fan of talking to Freddy. Damn okay, rude.

The idea of Cody absolutely losing his shit while playing first person shooters is hysterical to me.

Also relatable considering my younger brother would do that shit up until the early AM hours screeching his lungs out for the whole house to hear. No sleep would be had and NOBODY would stop him. Thanks mom. 🙃

Lmfao. Cody's room is a mess with gross shit in it.

Bonnie barging into Cody's room is like, a regular thing too which is hilarious considering he knows Cody hates it when he goes in.

Something of note: Why does Cody have a plush of FOXY. Considering his history with that character it's an odd choice.

Ya know his brother wearing a foxy mask while MURDERING him.

Bonnie continues to hold a big brother vibe around Cody. Which I still stand by that's sweet considering how f-ed Cody's relationship is with his OG brother is. X'D

Which we see the extent of in the FNAF 4 comic.

As Bonnie even offers to help him clean Cody's room just so he doesn't have his privacy invaded.

Bonnie in general just does things that have no real perks for him lmfao.

Horrifying thought: Cody can leave the building.

Outfit disection time:

Mike's wearing a pink sweater with Bonnie on it.

SO HE DOES OWN BONNIE MERCH!

Also Cody, wtf. How could you bamboozle Bonnie like that. That's rude.

Mike, checking he is in fact medicated before just going back to bed just feels relatable despite me not having anything to like, connect to? X'D Like mans is so calm despite everything. You got to do a LOT to break Mike.

Cody being an annoying shithead in the background very funny to me.

Mike is so calm and levelheaded even when he thinks he's hallucinating. Dude is used to coping with shit through masking everything's alright.

Even cracking a joke, presumably to make himself feel better.

Mike's apparently a fan of animal crossing.

Cody's pissed off expression at the leaf is based on the many Whiney the Poo memes. Because he's a also a goofy yellow bear.

Also Cody getting so pissed off he starts to blush is hilarious to me. Bro is SO angry at Mike's crap. X'D

Cody has severe anger issues example 100 lmao.

Roommate! :D

She's excited to see Cody lmao.

Poor Mike only comes out when he knows he's not seeing shit.

Sammy wasn't wrong about the robots forming attachments to the night guards hah.

OH.

SO THIS GIRL IS HIS SITER IN LAW HUH? Interesting...

So Mike was/is married to someone...?

Where are they?

Jeremy, the answer is Jeremy but shh that hasn't been said out loud yet lmfao.

Also his sister in law is a paranormal crazy person.

LIES CODY LIES.

Jeremy Fitzgerald is "No fun" I guess he's too easy to scare.

And when he's not he's uh...POSSESSED???

Scarlet and Violet were coming out when I drew this. Hah.

Pff. Mike did you have to say that? X'D

Hahahhhahahaha. Sammy knows Mike just wanders around.

They just let him do that lmfao.

Interestingly enough Sammy ALSO seems to want Freddy's to change for the better...? He at least takes precautions to make it safer.

Bonnie calls him out on his bribery lmfao.

Hah they got banter.

Sammy tries to run the place differently from the other owners it seems.

DAMN OKAY BONNIE!? WEIRD ADVICE.

Also he sold Sammy out for cigarettes. X'D

The fact Micheal isn't a CONSTANT stream of cigarettes the fact he relied on Mike for them at least implies Michael usually refuses to buy them...Unless he disses Sammy for them lmfao.

Which is interesting...

It's at least implied, most of the time Michael doesn't enable Bonnie's smoking habit for whatever reason.

No wonder he's more responsible lmao. Dude has way more on his plate than Michael. It's also amusing to know Michael and Sammy HATE each other despite literally going to own this place together at some point when their parents kick the buckets lmfao.

I love Mike. I've said it before but I just love his blank faced sass.

Also Sammy has some ISSUES with how his dad and William run the place.

DOES SAMMY KNOW ABOUT THE INTENTIONAL MURDERS?

Michael does and can't do squat about it but does Sammy?

I just love Sammy's major fuck up here while trying to be funny.

Mike takes it in stride at least hah.

Also damn Mike personal space-

I love rick rolls leave me be. X'D

Mike is that simp behavior we spot?

Also Damn Bonnie you don't need to come for Sammy like that.

BONNIE'S TRYIN'A CAUSE DRAMA!!!

Also lmfao what kind of history do Henry and William have for Bonnie to assume William's using Sammy as a replacement for Henry?

There's some sauce here that's for sure-

Lmao Mike is a simp conformed. To be fair: Sammy saved his ass we can allow him to simp just a little.

FREDDY! :D FREDDY'S HERE!!! 💙💙💙💙💙 ORF ORF ORF ORF- Alright enough of that stupid meme-

Uhhhhh...

What "problem" Freddy?

"AND STOP STARIN' AT ME WITH THEM BIG OL EYES"

Also yes a lot of the characters got a redesign. This comic was drawn over the course of 2 years lmfao.

I just love the line "Don't do anything stupid...PLEASE?" Like damn Bonnie doesn't have any freakin' hope for Mike after nearly getting killed by mangle WHICH WE KNOW HE KNOWS ABOUT CONSIDERING ALL THE SHIT MICHAEL AND BONNIE TALK ABOUT.

Freddy making THAT face is just like, damn okay we knew you hated Mike before but JEEEZ dude.

Bonnie's "Oh thank GOD" when Mike conforms he'll be safe is just sad. Poor Bonnie.

Freddy literally dragging this man away-

OH NO.

IT'S A CRYPDID!

And damn it cut off. I was having fun.

[rosethorndragon]

I feel like I'm going mad. Like guinuinly being driven there.

At the end of May, I hit my stress over flow, ready to drive myself naked to a crisis center to insure I get assistance. I was talked down from it, was told things would be done to help me lower my stress, and was able to to talk to a school provided therapist while taking summer classes.

Fall semester is about to start and none of the things that were discussed to be done as a stress reduction came to pass. All for good reasons. One reason not directly discussed was money. A reason I objected to 7 new cats because kittens are cute. A reason I wanted to not do a thing for them upstairs because my parents brought that literal pile of shit on themselves despite my well reasoned protest. I am left to clean up after 17 fucking cats because I am the one capable of doing so.

I am also, by virtue of not being elderly or disabled, the only one appearently capable of fucking cleaning this house. I despise cleaning. I am perfectly fine cleaning up after myself, but my dad makes cleaning exhausting. Proof in the house is fine when my dad isn't in the house. One of the things that never came to fruition was twice a month having a cleaner come in and do some deep cleaning to relieve the stress that puts on me. I thought I was finally heard. But no. Or if I was, it isn't important she's just lazy, she'll be fine.

Insult to injury us my grandmother. There is no dna shared with her, but my dad's wife considers her like a mother to her. And her kids are shit. One recently had to own up to her fuck ups and I am willing to admit she has changed from the woman who rented a house that was reliant on her mother's social security to pay for it, leaving her handicapped mother to get a part time job while my dad still paid for part of her medication. Her son didn't do this, but was in the same fuck up as the first daughter and still hasn't fully resolved the situation making him unable to provide for his mother. The youngest daughter has a legit brain injury, her husband just had to get an amputation because of a bone infection, and her husband's parents are the reason why the bone got infected because they are all the anti-work evil bosses type directly to their son.

The eldest daughter is the worst. Because there is considerable distance between us, that cunt has been able to lie about what contributions to her religious community's were hers, and what was ours as an offering of help as a starter. She had to have all the glory, you see. She had spent all this money for a church production, and the congregation was so grateful. They paid her back the money she "spent" on it and never knew someone outside of their precious religion paid for it. This is when I decided I hated her because that means that suspicion of grandma being overly drugged so they could use her money was likely true. And it was, as events later panned out. But my dad's wife doesnt want to make this related conflict public.

But because this cunt still has good religious standing and is known to be a lier, ibfeel trapped. My dad doesn't want to force grandma to pay for anything rent wise despite inflation affecting our food because he primised. His wife doesn't want file for control of her "essentially adopted mother" finances power of attorney wise because grandma is still competent and capable of making her own decisions and she doesn't want to be controlling like that eldest cunt of a daughter; despite the fact we now have to confront the fact grandma has a shopping addiction and keeps buying shoes and things she isn't going to use especially after the pandemic and went from no credit cards to 3 maxed out cards. And she is right because cunt face up north would pitch a fit and lie like she did during the 2021 Freeze where everyday she talked to her mother and then tell people who know grandma but don't zoom call her regularly that cunt face was "so worried" and "didn't know if her mother was safe" so we all know that cunt is just waiting for an opportunity to spin a story, claim we are committing elder abuse and have worried, well meaning people call the police on and try and claim power of attorney to do what she did before and start using her mother as a piggy bank, again.

But that means that we are all theoretically aware of our current financial situation, and grandma wants me to take her to spend $200 of not her money to get her nails done and if i say no and why it will "get blown out of proportion" and "you are terrible at communicating that, just leave it to me".

Well, y'all have done such a great job communicating that she appearently thinks the other card being used to pay a vet bill was something other than "start tightening those belts". I've tightened my spending as bunch as I can. I am being denied mental health support over it. I am being denied things that will probably improve my physical health over it.

I cannot any more. If the only functional way of communicating i have is silence and being less than ellegant/blunt/mean, then yall need to be ready for my meanness being heard by cunt face because I'm hitting the boil over point again and mean is all I got when I'm at rage.

[stimmypaw]

Stimmypaw reads Darkest Night! The fourth text post!

Back with these uh live reading comments! Remember those? yeah! I'm on the fourth book of Warrior Cats: A Vision of Shadows :D I read The Apprentice's Quest and Thunder and Shadow and Shattered Sky and now!! I'm here :D and boy did I have a time. Click read more to see it!

NEEDLETAIL?????????

Needletail???????????

What?????

OH???????

Wh THIS GUY IS TALKIN 2 DEAD PEOPLE????

HOW WHO IS THAT

OH MY GOD

These guys are weak and dumb skyclan is epic and sharing the territory with them is good, but of course sparkpelt isn't dealing well with change wink wink nudge wink nudge nudge huh???? (this is a nod to how I project into her and say shes autistic)

I am getting anxious for tinycloud SERIOUSLY how much longer until those kits??? Everyday you show up and its WOW my tummy ssure is HUGE AND BULGING I just Wonder Oh When They'll Be Born, probably pretty soon!!! :) and then they arent!!!! Birth dammit!!!

Cherryfall cut the sick and hurt cats some slack jeez youre Fine, youre not feeding half the forest and you have THREE medicine cats ready to help you if youre not feeling well

Bastard Cherryfall I hate you /lh

Dovewing and Tigerheart have relationship drama again. What is UP with those two I simply do not understand them

Watching Bramblestar trying to control this bizarre situation is actually funny he is so close to screaming "PLEASE dont be mad :c"

SOON WHEN???? JUST KIT THOSE KITTENS DAMMIT

Get her, Alderheart

They LITERALLY said something about sharing the territory, they were like "Stars have five points baby and we need those 5 clans togetherrrr" what else do these cats want??? I know its a big change but its necessary

Wait everyone shut up that cat is named Podlight this is so important to me

Dang these cats are really still struggling :c I wish they didnt blame each other

Harestar is so cool

What the FUCK mistystar????

God what a disaster of a gathering Starclan is gonna be so pissed everyone is doing the opposite of what they should

I was holding my breath oof

I hope thunderclan gives some territory too thats too small a space for Skyclan

Oh boy oh boy oh boy i am Anxious for these Kitties

Violetpaw is me having nightmares every night

Macgyver is a heavily gringue name and I have No Clue how to say it how the hell do you say it

Update its either Mick Guyver or Mac Guyver apparently

Its fun to see how different the sisters are from one another, I love them both

I also love their mom with the name identical to puddleshine wish I got to meet her

IM CRYING BRO........M...MDB.....NFBANN.....VIOLETPAW BELONGS MY DARLING MY DAUGHTER

Sadly Twigpaw is for gender binarism 😔 /j

Twigpaw is often in her thoughts and doesn't pay attention to anything around her and I love her for that

Bad news Finpaw is gonna lose his tail, good news I can draw his tail fin-shaped

Puddleshine surgeon moment!!!

I love Graystripe and Millie

And I love that being flirty is a part of Sparkpelt's personality, I don't know what Alderheart is talking about she's always been dandelion-headed

Ok this is epic, I’m glad we’re breaking gender roles in Warrior Cats my heart dropped when the books called Briarlight cr*ppled, that’s the thing they promised not to do anymore recently right? I’m not sure but, I could use some uh less ableism on my Warrior Cats, the series is old but the newer books should be better, so yeah, good modernize these cats babyyy

OH COOL Skyclan journey!!! Fun I hope they find someone :] also fuck Molewhisker and Cherryfall bastards.

Jayfeather is gonna miss Alderheart too much for him to leave hehehe

ALL of Starclan showed up just to call out Riverclan pahahah

oooo is shadowclan haunted?????

FINALLY TINYCLOUD IS KITTING YES GOD YES GO QUEEN GOOOO!!!!

I wonder why Twigpaw wants to stay behind, there has to be more than just the camp stuff

"I wish I were more positive like Twigpaw, but at least I'm just as scarred by the death of my loved ones as my dad :] I like being like him"

Violetpaw witnesses a car crash 😔 that was a bit messy what happened to those cars also why the hell was one of them smaller was it a bike??? Or ???? Idk what's up with it!!!

Needletail just happens to have slow-down turned on for her on the discord chat so she can only say like a few words each hour :/ why the hell is she here tho Violetpaw needs to get OVER your death!!!!

This short exchange has made me love Dewpaw

Also, I love Twigpaw, I still wonder why she stayed behind tho

Ahh, is it cus she feels too estranged from her family :c ? I wish her mom was around maybe that would help

Jee Twigpaw be a tad more empathic, I can see Twigpaw struggles with that sometimes

You can't cheer him up right now he's grieving, just find him on common ground, talk to him, don't try to make him happy just try to keep him company

Oh wow finpaw that's a dangerous thing to say I hope Twigpaw doesn't crumble under the pressure to never be sad because people like her because she's happy and her being sad would be bad

ALSO I JUST REMMEMBRERD UH TWIGPAW MENTIONED BRIARLIGHT BUT BERRYNOSE IS RIGHT THERE???? HE IS RIGHT HE DIDNT DIE OFF SCREEN IM SURE OF IT WAIY

BERRYNOSS IS RIGHT THERE I CHDCKED!!!! HE LOST HIS TAIL TOO AND HES A GREAT WARRIOR, TWIGPAW!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED IT ITS MORE RELATABLE

Okay I'm glad they're getting along this is nice

Oh look twigpaw you Are like your father :] this is cute

Skyclan begins to fish competitively I'm glad

I like it when medicine cats bicker about their leader's behaviors ehheheh, Jayfeather talking about how weak Shadowclan is, Alderheart being annoyed at his father for wanting to stay silent, the others worried about the tensions this is all cheff the kisser

Jayfeather spitting the truths about how Starclan doesn't know shit, and he is very much one to speak

Puddleshine: Rowanstar stepped up the patrols :c

Leadstar: He has warriors enough for that?? Damn good for him

Dang poor Skyclan I hope they manage stuff better soon

Oooo the girls are fighting!!!

Alderheart starclan anxiety time dang

Sheep :]

Needletail :[

I'm sad Ravenpaw isn't here, this is a lovely reunion scene but knowing Barley will be alone when they all leave breaks my heart

Oh, maybe not, but if they stay I'll be sad also cus Skyclan needs its warriors

Aw man, Twigpaw is struggling :c

OUCH

I WANT SKYCLAN 2 SWIM THO......

Omg crimes

That sounds kinda possessive twigpaw!

DOVEWING?????

T

WhHAHAGAHAHA WHERE DID THAT COME FROM

omg tigerstar 2 real

Whats he gonna do to rowanstar???

ALRIGHT THATA OVER THEN PAHAHA

Aw, I'm glad they're having fun tho, and that twigpaw sees herself as skyclan

Alderheart, as he meets someone for the first time in a while: ARE YOU OKAY???

Blackstar protagonist moment

The medicine cats: our gods are toying with us again and destiny is uncertain

Leaders: I cannot DO this right now PLEASE leave and let me care for The Real Issues

Alderheart: YOU WILL hang out at my house Willowshine this isn't up for debate

Riverclan suffered enough and it's their turn to throw a tantrum about it, honestly good for them hsghahah

Alderheart asks his father to go on a quest to check people's feet

WHAT THR HELL IS A CANTANKEROUS

Alderheart and Willowpelt sitting there watching Shadowclan fight

This is really funny

HEWWO????

Puddleshine, in his eyes: help help

I love Skyclan

Ok this sounds like it's gonna be very very fun

Mission impossible: Escape From São Paulo

Oh, is Fallowfern deaf? That's so poggers omg I wanna see more of her

Edit: fallowfern is an elder that lost her hearing with age and retired after that happened :/ boring

I love leafstar so much

Juniperclaw: aren't you gonna punish her????

Leafstar: why

Juniperclaw: when I tell rowanstar he's gonna be pissed

Leafstar: don't tell him

Juniperclaw: the fuck is wrong with you and your clan??? Where is everyone???????

Leafstar: busy

Icon

I don't trust abled people specially able-bodied people telling disabled people they just have to train harder and feeling sorry for yourself won't help.

But this is the closest to a positive message to disabled people we have ever had in warriors so I guess I'll take it but I want better

IVYPOOL!!!💖💖💖💖💕

Dang ivypool what a way to show someone you miss them hahaha

Twigpaw: uhhhh how's dovewing?

Ivypool: what do you mean did she do something illegal I'm sure she did

Ivypool is a seriously funny character WHY are you yelling at the young adult about your sisters illegal activities she doesn't know anything about it!!!!

Alderheart goes on an adventure

Feet inspector on the road!!!!

Jasper is so funny I love him

Omg what's he got against clan cats??? What's his sad backstory????

YEESSSS SPARKPELT MY LOVE 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💕💕💕💕💕💕💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💕💕💕

Sparkpelt your opinion sucks but I love you

I'm really really glad they had this moment this is really sweet, they hadn't talked for a while but this is genuine like, we hadn't had this sort of relationship in so long in the books with just, dialogue yknow??? THEYRE TALKING ABOUT THINGS

And the pause Sparkpelt takes between her speaking to fix what she's saying "I'm sorry for saving you :c no wait uhh not exactly but like" this is so good so natural so fun I love you sparkpelt

I get why she has a diferent opinion on Skyclan it's good for someone close to Alderheart to have a different mindset from him and for him to have someone like uh be opposites from him a lil yknow contrats his characteristics makes both siblings fun round and full of kitty do you get what I'm saying???

I love this

I love Sparkpelt, love her lil anxious moments, love her, love that she just wants to fool around with toms and enjoys Larksong but doesn't want to get serious you go girl

They wanted to write smart-ass they wanted to write smart-ass so bad

They're doing this in the rain?????

I'm quite certain Violetpaw is a young adult by this point its valid for her to go

Wh why did you let your cat out in the rain dude!!! When it comes back it's gonna dirty up the whole place it's wet out there!!!! And the cold is gonna get in the house!!!!!!!

I WAS HOLDING MY BREATH OH LORD

That was SO INTENSE AND SO FUNNY AND SO MUCH, IM SO GLAD SHE MADE IT I GOT SCARED

Oh this is so epic

That moment when your cat nearly dies and then it runs off and you go after it and then a bunch of other cats show up and start running with it

I hope Twigpaw can see the others soon

Glad to see her keeping her medicine cat knowledge ehehehe

???????

Sandynose I hate you you are so abled

Sandynose: I don't want my son to feel distanced from his peers so I'm distancing him from his peers

DOVEWING???

SANDYNOSE SHUT UP IM GOING TO KILL YOU ANS MURDER YOU

I'm so upset with Sandynose WHY isn't leafstar seeing this WHY DOESNG ANYONE SEE THIS SOMSONE PLEASE CONFORT AND LOVE MY CHILD TWIGPAW DOESNT DESERVE THIS

Angry sad upset why

Piscina

Thanks graystripe

Ok who's dying this time

Ok no one just a background cat got hurt he will survive otherwise it would be relevant

This was intense though what will happen now???

YES FINALLY

Oh this is lovely so good they're here!!! The rest of skyclan has arrived and we are all happy together

That dream felt good

NEEDLETAIL??? AGAIN

Where were you at!!!!

What!!!

Check this man's feet how many toes are there this could be good

What

Hegshahwha what the fuck is up with this guy

Okay I like him

Ohhh THATS tree

Change your name if you don't like it you sound trans already

Yeah nothing makes one smarter like dying

This is very fun I'm excited for more of whatever happening

Twigpaw :c

HIS SNIFFLES

Oh no

Hhhhnn I want Twigpaw to be happy so bad, I hate seeing her struggles

Sandynose you are so evil and very detested by me

You can and you SHOULD feel angry at Sandynose he SUCKS and he is being needlessly mean at you!!!!! There are much better ways to bring up the possibility that maybe you'd be happier with thunderclan!!! Fuck off Sandynose

Oh so Snowbush hasn't improved, maybe he will die?

Poor Alderheart

Oh fuck there he goes

Yeah

Aw man, rip to the background cat

That was a heavy death too

Aw, I was hoping the rest of Skyclan would show up before the gathering, maybe just after it???

I wonder what's going on in Shadowclan

TIGERHEARTS MISSING HUH???

The couple was kidnapped

HUH????

Oh my lord oh fuck

Can't anyone step up to lead why do they depend on Tigerheart so much???

Jesus christ

Alderheart kills his gods

This is so chaotic and funny I'm worried as hell for shadowclan but excited a lot is happening

HI TREE AGSGAHAH

Tawnypelt >:(

Puddleshine: WAIT DONT KICK HIM OUT, CHECK OUT HIS FREAKY FEET INSTEAD

Oh dear

Twigpaw :c

TWIGPAW :CCCC Man rememebr when I said I hope Twigpaw doesn't crumble under the pressure of being happy for others? yeah

GET OUT SANDYNOSE I DONT CARE YOURE BEING REASOMABLE FOR ONCE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN LATER

:C

I'm so heartbroken for them

Uh pdhsgahab okay then

Bye finpaw

Wow that was easy for him

This is fun

I'm still sad as hell

Okay there's a lot going on right now wow

The owl scene was funny as hell to picture, this dramatic prophetic moment and the cats just "uuggh is that a prophecy??? Nooo"

Okay so

There's some shadowclan cats missing, considering the many sleekwhisker maps I'm sure she's up to no good but I have no clue what happened to the others and I hope they're okay

Wow! That was really something

Fantastic ending to a very good book its, definitely a different energy from the third but I'm really enjoying this I'm still excited as hell!!! I got worried things would get kinda bad from here but nope!!!! Very fun stuff for now this is very very good and I am enjoying it

This is definitely one of the most fun arcs I've read so far!!! The drama the stakes the little moments everything is tying together really well into a very fun story I'm enjoying a lot!

I worry for Twigpaw and hope for her happiness, and Violetshine too, hope her and Hawkwing deal well with missing her. Tree is being interesting. Alderheart wasn't much of a focus here but always fun to see him trying to solve the damn prophecy no leaders seem to care about. Mousewhisker was okay??? Lots of very fantastic turns for all events and uh let's see where this all goes next!!!

[havntednlost]

The main problem: my mother.

Her and my social life.

She's my fucking hell. Since I was born. She never allowed me to do anything along with my father (that was waaaaaay more possessive and jealous when I was a child while now with my little sister he's all like "do whatever you want it's fine").

She never respected my privacy. My spaces. My decisions. My opinions. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't allowed to speak when she decided something. I wasn't allowed to choose my friends. I wasn't allowed to speak to some people I defined friends because they weren't okay for her. She'd always decided who I had to talk to and how I had to behave. She always shushed me when I wanted to say something that she thought could've been against her decision. I grew up with her ideas, with her ways of talking and acting. She was manipulating me, creating a copy of her. She wanted to see her in me. (You failed. Ops?🤭) And I was always alone. I never had friends. The only friends I could make were people with disabilities. Because others couldn't stand me. Others hated me or made fun of me. Since I was 6 (elementary school) to being 10 I only talked to people who had difficulties at school or were handicapped. I felt like they didn't judge me. And I felt like they were okay with me being their friend.

What does not having friends has to do with my mother?

Well easy: my social life was in her hands. And that's why I never had anyone by my side. Because no one was okay for her. Only one or maybe two people. And I never complained about it. Because she made me grow up like that. I had to shut up and just do what she said. In my childhood I remember disobeying just a couple of times to my mother. Consequences? Being hit. She slapped me in the face so hard she made me cry. Once she slapped me in front of my classmates in that way. My teacher told her it wasn't necessary and mum just used a polite way to say "fuck you I am her mother and I decide how she has to grow up". My teacher had to shut up while he was caressing me and making me calm down. In that moment I forgot I was in class. I must remember being in my teacher's arms and feeling safe, far from my mum's hands. I was 8 if I'm not wrong.

So, elementary school ended. Middle school started. First year. Me, still with the mentality of a child. Naive. Too innocent and silly to understand the world I was going to face. Middle school was the worst period of my life. I've been bullied all the three years.

First year: Afraid. Always defensive. But willing to be a perfect student just as I was at the previous school. It was just me and other four girls (way smarter than me because they didn't live like they were perfect dolls to keep in a house-cage) and then 15 boys. One of them had a crush on me. I rejected him. I got no will to talk about that embarrassing story. After that also this boy + all the girls made fun of me and bullied me and called me names like: horse, camel, annoying, stupid and stuff like that. I was absolutely not used to being talked to like that, consequently it was one of the first traumas I've experienced in first person, without having my mother "by my side" "to dEfENd me". First year ends and I made no friends.

My parents decide to move to another city. Caserta. Close to Naples. I spent two years there. It was a fucking hell. People there were like... the plastics of mean girls. We were 10 girls and 13 boys. Way better, I thought. Ugh, I was wrong. Boys were terrible, worse than the ones at the other school and girls? Damn, they were all Regina George. It was when my depression symptoms started, along with anxiety. They talked at my back, saying bad stuff about me. How I found out? My mother was going through my chats (without me knowing, of course) and she called me to tell me. I read the group chat. They started saying "Is Maria in this group? No? Are you sure? Yes". So after establishing that I wasn't there they started saying things like: Oh luckily she isn't. She's so annoying. Why the fuck did she came to our school? Couldn't she stay at her old one? She's so ugly and stupid. No one can stand her. No one wants her. And she thinks we're her friends! 😂😂😂 She thinks she's better than us! (totally untrue) She's no one. etc...

Now imagine me crying while reading everything because I didn't expect it.

My mother: Didn't you expect all of this? It was obvious.

Well sorry if I was too stupid because I grew up thinking people were good and I would've faced a world full of roses and love.

I just told her I didn't. Your fault, darling.

Day after. My mother goes to school and talks to my teacher about it. My teacher defends me and helps me with that and the thing is solved. But my classmates just hate me more and more. And they just keep bullying me but more subtly so that no one notices. But I was a bit smarter because I had my cousin (I will dedicate another post to this special person ❤️) that was helping me to go through all the shit and giving me advice.

Middle school ends.

I am not homophobic anymore (like my parents taught me to be). I start having doubts about my sexuality but ignore them. My depression gets worse and worse.

My mother gets worse and worse. Starting to prefer my two brothers and little sister over me for everything. I was needed just to clean the house and to be yelled at for wearing always black, being unsocial, always staying on my own in the dark, always with my phone, always listening to music, always being sad or angry, never smiling, staying up after 10pm for watching TV series or reading, not studying much etc...

(Want a hint my dear mother? I was/am depressed.)

In this period I start having suicidal thoughts. Still because of my parents. My cousin supporting me and telling me is silly and that there are other options.

We move back to Naples.

I am now 14.

Highschool starts. First year is shit because I get bullied again but I start making friends. A group of 7 people (me included). My mother says they're okay. Fucking finally.

Alessia, Gabriella, Chiara, Simona, Sara, Andreea (romanian). Fucking amazing friends. Disgustingly amazing.

My grades are low. My parents keep hating on me and yelling at me for that. But my friends support me.

In the meanwhile I get to know a girl on the Internet. We become close friends and that develops in feelings. We start a relationship. Let's be clear. It wasn't. It was just based on the fact that we had the same problems and she gave me a lot of affection, and I thought it was love.

One day my mother takes my phone, again, without me knowing, and reads all of my chats.

She finds out about this girl. I was terrified and so I confess. My first coming out. She says nothing. She goes to my dad and tells him. My dad yells "Go away! Go away from my sight!" and I go to the kitchen terrified. Crying and sobbing. We sit. Me, my mother and my dad. They start talking to me. A sum up:

I don't remember how my mother started talking. I removed it because it was traumatic, all I remember is her saying shit about that poor girl.

I say "Mum, what's wrong with gays? They're just like us"

Mum slaps me. Hard as fuck. I was shook. Scared. Hurt. Confused.

After that they start talking about how wrong is being gay, that God doesn't accept it, that it's not natural, that it's just a phase, that only animals have gay sex and that's why we humans are different from animals that must follow their instincts. They keep repeating the same things in different ways for 3 hours. I am not kidding. 3 hours. From 3pm to 6:30pm only talking about this. (Want to know what I've done all this time? I just nodded. I kept on nodding because I was afraid to talk.)

Mum deletes and blocks every number and friends from Internet and takes my SIM card and puts it in her phone so she can check all my chats from her phone. She throws my phone away breaking it.

Nighttime: No sleep. Everytime I fell asleep I had nightmares so I woke up. Sobbing. Crying. I can't fucking breathe. A fucking hell.

Morning: I wake up totally empty and with a dead face. My parents are in the kitchen. They warmly say "good morning" and ask me to sit. I sit on the couch. They ask me "how are you". My answer: HOW AM I?? HOW AM I YOU FUCKER?????!!!!! YOU'RE REALLY ASKING ME HOW ARE YOU WITH THIS NONCHALANCE???? FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. My actual answer:.... i'm tired.

I don't remember anything else after that. Trauma I guess.

I am not a psychologist but I'm pretty sure I'm fucked up.

So after this happens I tell everything to my cousin. She doesn't believe that. She actually doesn't. She was too shocked to believe it. Haha, same sis. I don't either.

So, it takes a while for her to process everything and that's when our friendship starts for real. (We were good friends since I was 12. We grew up together, but there has never been an actual friendship because of how I was as a child. A pretty horrible child.) She starts helping me with my mother and all the stuff. We start getting closer and closer as time goes by and as my mother keeps being a bitch.

Second year of highschool.

My fucking favourite. It was such a good time. My grades weren't the best, my depression was fucking me up more than ever, my anxiety was kicking me out, but.. I had my friends. With a new entry. Simona. Yeah another one. Alessia changes school. So it's still 7 of us.

I swear if it wasn't for my friends that year and my cousin. I would've killed myself. Going back home from school everyday was basically going back to hell every fucking day.

dude: go to hell

me: awww where do you think i came from honey?

Then... that summer comes. Summer 2018.

I argue with my friends because of my parents, giving them the fault of everything. I keep them away from me. My mother gets even worse. She's against me like I am her enemy. She yells at me for everything. Every single thing.

me: *wakes up*

mother: WHY DID YOU WAKE UP GO BACK TO SLEEP AND SLEEP PROPERLY LIKE A LADY YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

She separates me from my cousin because she talked back at her (after she said bad things about my cousin's mother at her face) and here, another trauma. She calls me whore, liar, bitch because I didn't defend her like my cousin did with her mother (sorry but i hate you bitch). She says it's all my fault because I told my cousin everything about the bad things she did to me. That day goes away and my mother calms down and says it's not my fault but my cousin's because she's a bitch. I have no chance to talk to her for a month then we finally meet when my mother isn't at home. Since then we talk without no one of my family knowing. (It will be 3 years this summer, she never knew we do. How stupid can she be thinking I wouldn't talk to my favourite person ever because she said so).

September comes. Back to school. Third year. No friends. Low grades. No will to study. No will to live. But my cousin has my back. She keeps me alive, in fact I tried to kill myself multiple times. I failed. (Now I'm happy I didn't.) I pass that year. Not after another trauma. I seek for help at school. My teacher tells my mother about it and tells her that I am bisexual, atheist and I'm not okay in my family.

Thanks for ruining me, teacher. I expressively told her not to talk about it with my mother buuuut okay.

Quick sum up: I come back from school, my mother is crying. She starts saying things like "You don't want me as a mother? You don't like me? You hate me?" and I said no (not knowing that she knew what I said at school). Then the evening she walks to me and sits near me.

"Tell me the truth"

I was obviously confused. So she confesses what she knows. I was expecting the worst. It ended up with me talking to my uncles because my mother was "tOo hUrt" to talk to me.

"It's just a phase." "I hated my parents too." "You're too young to say these things." "You can't say you're bisexual if you never experienced anything."

It ended up with me faking a hug and "I'm sorry mum, I exaggerated." (obviously it was just to make everything stop).

bonus

me: *wants help to fight a difficult situation*

mum: *gets to know about it* YOU HURT ME YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH.

also mum: *reproaches it to my face everytime she's mad at me*

Fourth year starts. This is my year. This year. 2019/2020. It started perfectly. Good grades, my friends are back.

We move again. Tivoli (Rome). I am fucking happy with that. Expect for the fact that I can't meet my cousin anymore. But of course we can chat. Secretly on Telegram. Because my mother doesn't know what it is. Also, she stopped checking my phone, finally.

So, now. I'm 17, fourth year of highschool. Here I have no friends because they all suck. I miss my friends from Naples. And I wish I was free from my parents.

Some parts are not detailed. This because I will dedicate to them other posts otherwise this one would've been waaaaaay longer. And it's already too long.

No one will read these long posts but in case you're doing it, thank you ❤.

[hottmessexpresss]

Fever.

Back problems.

These mothafuckin'Kids.

Three days ago, my son woke up sick. He had this look* on his face. An unsettled look. He looked me dead in the eyes, and he started to gag. My eyes widened with horror. My instincts kicked in, and I did what my dad would do when I was growing up. The only sure way to know you have reached another level of parenting: held out my hands cupped together held under his chin. A vomit catch-all, if you will. Maybe it's a kid instict too. He knew* what it meant and what to do. He played and was fine throughout the day. Thank god.

The NEXT day, I developed a decent fever. I felt like my body was ran over by an 18 wheeler. "Greaaaaaaaaaaat!" I thought to myself. I laid on the couch half dead in a pool of my own sweat staring at the clock. Is 7:00 too early for bedtime? My daughter ended up puking ONCE that evening, so i figured it was a 24 hour tummy bug. No other symptoms. No more vomit. Both kids seemed fine. I prayed that I would not fall ill, and that I**wouldn't be sick. Could you imagine? Being sick AND being the mom? Being the house chore manager? Being the post-op surgery home nurse? What the hell would that* be like? Well, my dad has always told me, God must have a sense of humor based on my life being like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm....and it was a god awful sense of humor, if that.

Yesterday, I was swiffer wet jetting a pool of urine on the floor. I shook my head, did my usual lecture on how only an animal would pee on the floor. How grayson wasn't an animal, and how pee goes INSIDE of the toilet. Not inside his construction cement truck (boys🙄😬). I bent over, and my life flashed before my eyes. BAM. I almost collapsed to the floor. I was sweating and writhing in pain. I couldn't muster up ENOUGH inertia to walk my body forward. My knees started to buckle, and immediate panic set in. Of all times for this to happen, with my luck-- it did (cue Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song). I am damn near 30 years old, and a Swiffer wet jet mop, along with a slight twist and bend movement, put me to the fuckin' floor. Meanwhile, J-Lo who is in her 50's is pole dancing and dancing at a top performance rate for a Superbowl half-time show. And again, here I am, in the same clothes as yesterday, my body getting over a fever, AND NOW pulled my back out of place. I was angry and upset that I have disabled myself.

Of course, Grayson and the baby caught wind of my sudden lack of movement and chaos ensued. Both hanging on my feet, whining and crying and fighting each other to be held. Every second ticked by slowly, as I completely winced and cursed in pain. I huddle by the cat tree. I try to stand and lean onto it and realized..I needed help. But who could help? How?

My husband was at work. Barely 2 weeks post-op from his shoulder replacement. I broke down in tears. My husband has just now been able to shower by himself. He's still in a sling and has very limited movement. What the hell am I going to do? With different parts of our bodies being out of commission, how* could we do this? I reluctantly called him. In tears, I waited 45 minutes before he got to the house. Before he arrived, with a little help from my Grayson, I was able to dress the baby. Grayson picked his clothes out, and got ready all by himself (I was shook). I waddle slowly to my bedroom and grab some socks and my Nike's. Grayson hauled ass into my room like always (because there isba child lock and it's forbidden) kneeled down and helped me put on my socks and shoes. I told him my back was hurting and he told me, "Don't worry mom. I'll fix it!" He lifted my shirt gently, and started to scratch my lower back. The tears were welling up. He got the baby clothes from her drawer (after one attempt), and sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to her as I changed her. I was overwhelmed with many emotions. I was in that moment, proud of Will and I's parenting and how my sweet and sour child, was being sweet and helpful to me.

Will arrives. He's stressed. I'm stressed. I keep apologizing over and over to him. I shove fruit snacks in my jacket. Will raises his voice at me to stop trying to put Grayson into his car seat. We are both frustrated. We are both not feeling it. I get to urgent care and wait for the doctor. He comes in after 10 minutes and says, "Oh? Are you striking a pose for a photo?" My hip is out and I'm leaning against the wall. I laughed. I explained what happened. He felt my hips and lower back. "Oh. Wow......you have HUGE knots all over the place...no wonder!" I held back tears. Then. This man turns to me and has THEE AUDACITY TO ASK ME** "Do you need a doctor's note for work?" I cracked a smile, but also wanted to strangle him right then and there. I explained my husband is two weeks post-op from shoulder replacement surgery, and that I have a 10 month old and a 3 year old at home, and all three are waiting in the car for me. He smiled and said, "I'd reccomend taking it easy, but that's not realistic is it?" He gave me a toradol shot, steroids for the inflammed muscles, muscle relaxers and T3. My anxiety sky-rocketed. I knew how Toradol made me tired. I knew how muscle relaxers obviously*** relax your muscles. T3 makes me groggy. How the fuck am I supposed to function on these AND take care of the kids?

So long gone are the days of being injured or sick and being able to sleep or "relax". So long gone are the days when no one else depended on you to be a fully functional adult during times of illness or injury.

My husband told me to go nap and relax my back. Though I was irriated by having to listen, and fight back the internal urge to pick up the toys on the ground, I obliged. Thinking back to a few months ago, my husband's sciatic caused him to be down and out from work for three days. I sat up in bed thinking of this. No offense to my husband; he works extremely hard and allows me the luxury of staying home with the kids. However, in this moment, I realized I wasn't able to experience the same "luxury" of taking three days off. Being a stay at home mom means, no days off. When youre sick, the world doesn't stop. Your toddlers certainly don't stop. So you, as the mom and house-manager, trudge through it. Because there is no other option or reason. Some are lucky to have family nearby that can cushion some of this blow. But unfortunately, that's not the case here. Instead, I facetimed my mom and cried to her, asking her to tell Grayson to be good for me. It worked (for a while).

I hate sometimes that these types of "problems" often come across as "complaining," but to me, just shows that a Mother's job never ends. We don't get to clock in, and clock out. We don't get paid lunch breaks. Often times I eat standing up, and pee with a rather curious audience (like when Grayson handed me toilet paper and told me to wipe my gina and did a horrendous digging motion with his hands). I don't get uninterrupted breaks. I don't physically see a paycheck deposited into my account.

This morning I woke up and before I got out of bed, I said a little prayer about being able to walk today. Thankfully, I can walk (at least). I made coffee, and waited for the monsters to wake up. I cooked them eggs and toast. I bribed grayson with a fruit snack to help get his sisters walker, and I slowly slowly lifted her in it. Getting her in and out of the crib has been a challenge. Babies want to be held and carried, and do not understand why* their mother isn't picking them up (torture).

I am realizing women are strong. Though I physically feel decrepid, I am appreciative of what women endure on a daily basis. Whether you work or stay home, being a mother is a 24/7 job that often goes without praise or recognition. Instead of binge watching Mad Men, or The Office (for the 56th time) posted up chillin' on meds, I am watching Paw Patrol while my kids nag and cry at my feet. "You should be THANKFUL. YOU HAVE THE BEST JOB IN THE ENTIRE WORLD....and an IMPORTANT ONE IF THAT." Well, Karen. Yes. Yes I do. I am "blessed" and "cursed" by this experience. I am** thankful. However, I am a human being. I am allowed to scowl and huff to myself, "this isn't fair!" While wanting to break down into tears. How dare I feel so selfish?

I am allowed to have bad days. Being a mom doesn't mean I am some bionic robot (though some days it definitely feels like it)

So here I am standing, slouched over the counter trying to rub a tennis ball into my lower back while my toddler screams, "THAT'S MY BAAAAAALLLLLLL MOM." All while my daughter also starts to scream (because her brother is screaming) I can't do anything but count to 10.

"Being a mom means having to choose between eating, showering, or sleeping. You can't do all three in one day" -unknown

Hug a mom, grandma or aunt today [or anyone that has raised you] and give yourself a pat on the back for being a bad ass super mom.

[epajournal]

Anonymous9837 Not seeing new messages? Click here to correct.

Anonymous9837:

22:17

While an IMALIVE Volunteer is joining this chat, please take a moment to read this disclaimer. If your chat disconnects unexpectedly, it may be caused by wifi network connection issues, so please log back in and start a new chat. IMALIVE chat is for those who are thinking about suicide or are in distress. If you are having trouble seeing new messages or typing, please select - Click here to refresh - on top of the chat window. If you or someone you know is currently in the state of medical emergency, please dial 911 or your local emergency number for an ambulance. The volunteer will not be able to locate you without your help. If you wish to speak to someone on the phone right now, you can also call 1-800-SUICIDE(784-2433) or visit befrienders.org to find your local hotline. Please stay online while the next available volunteer is connecting to the chat....

Alex:

22:18

IMALIVE Volunteer joined the chat.

Alex:

22:18

Hi, my name is Alex. May I ask your name?

Anonymous9837:

22:18

Hey there. I guess Elise, that's my real name.

Anonymous9837:

22:18

I don't know, I feel silly doing this at all. I guess first, how are you?

Alex:

22:19

It sounds like you're worried about being judged

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Well, I'm mostly worried about being whiny, honestly.

Anonymous9837:

22:19

Like... I don't know, I'm not in an immediate place where I'm going to hurt myself, honestly

Alex:

22:19

Why don't we start with what brought you here today

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I just know if I don't talk about it or at least let someone know I'm having bad thoughts that it'll swell into a pretty crappy place later.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

Well, I guess just... My life's in a real weird place. I'm on medication but I've been off it for a few days, back on it again. I've been in therapy for close to a year but my life just seems to be getting worse.

Anonymous9837:

22:20

I think I need to get a new therapist or something, or at least talk to her about improving our sessions. But it's tough.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

I also know that we're at a place where it's like... There's not too much more she can do for me in a lot of ways.

Anonymous9837:

22:21

And I guess that's scary.

Alex:

22:22

It can be very discouraging when you feel the help you're getting isn't helping. It sounds like this is adding extra stress to your life at a very bad time

Anonymous9837:

22:23

I wish I had something that was more unknown to me or had some big revelation about why I'm all dysfunctional, but. I don't. I feel like a car that's been taken apart and clearly you can see things aren't working right, but somehow you can't get the pieces to fit back together right. There's not much more to do than just trash it, you know?

Anonymous9837:

22:23

And yeah, it's demotivating. It took me a long time to go to therapy again, I mean I went through a bunch of therapy as a kid and none of it was too much help. I took a chance with it again recently and it's just been...

Anonymous9837:

22:24

I guess a lot of it has been useful, at the very least I can say I'm working on it, but I just want to be... Not even "fine", but just better.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

It's hard to imagine a year ago that I was nearly a functioning person, but. I guess it's a real shaky support that keeps that facade going, things were clearly going wrong.

Anonymous9837:

22:25

Sorry, I feel weird not asking again, how are you?

Alex:

22:26

No need to feel weird. We are here to work with you and focus on how you are doing

Anonymous9837:

22:26

Well, thank you.

Anonymous9837:

22:27

I'm in my late twenties and live with my mom and brother... Our house isn't big enough for everyone so we ended up with me in the basement, but in the last few months I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore and moved upstairs, even though that means not having a room and sleeping in the living room.

Anonymous9837:

22:29

And it's been a rough adjustment. I can't get myself to take care of my messes easily as it is, so combine having a small house where I don't have a room, things build up, people get upset. I've been out of work since last July, I had some financial fortune to get by but I fucked that up pretty badly and I'm broke again, but I just... There's no way I can hold a job. My therapist and I are working on SSI but it just... takes a while, and it makes me feel like I'm a brat.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

My mom's disabled, physically, so it's like. I feel like I'm making an excuse for myself when I should just be having a job. I've worked before for years, but I just can't. I mean I can barely keep myself showered, or bother to eat, even though I'm a fat sunnovabitch because I rarely leave my house.

Anonymous9837:

22:30

So it's just... Things get tense. I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

The answer seems to be that it'd be easiest if I weren't here, but aside from it being a scary idea, I know that'd be a lot of shit my family would have to go through.

Anonymous9837:

22:31

But I still think about it a lot, and it's upsetting.

Anonymous9837:

22:32

I just want to be left alone, honestly. I feel like most of my life I haven't had any chance to just "be". I want to exist but just barely, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:33

I've been working on it, it doesn't look like it, but I have been. I'm just not well, physically and psychologically. Today I started an herb garden, I'm raising them from seeds, hopefully they work.

Anonymous9837:

22:34

I try to take my dog out, I got a FitBit so I can be mindful of my movement. But as soon as I do these things, people think I'm shirking important things, but... I need to do anything I can now, because otherwise I just do nothing.

Alex:

22:34

You sound very invested in your recovery. It can be tough feeling like a burden on people, but it sounds like you have a family that you care about and that cares about you. So it sounds like at some point in the past you felt you were doing better, but you now feel yourself spiraling in a downward direction. You're not sure if it's the move to a less private living situation, or the medication or if you should try seeing a new professional and it sounds like all these factors are really overwhelming you

Anonymous9837:

22:35

I fantasize about running away a lot. But I have a dog who I feel like I need to be there for even though my family would take care of her, and I have a 20 year-old cat... And I don't want to ditch him.

Anonymous9837:

22:35

Yeah, that all sounds fair. I mean, it's a long history of dysfunction, I can't even tell you my family history and growing up.

Anonymous9837:

22:36

I guess the one good thing about therapy is I'm finally so tired of mourning my past because I just can't be bothered to talk about it anymore, which is saying something, because it's been the only thing I can discuss with any passion for a while.

Anonymous9837:

22:37

But now I'm just like, "here I am," and it's crappy. Like, that's done. There's nothing I can do that I haven't already to try and compartmentalize and digest it better. But I'm still messed up and now I'm an adult and nobody can fix it for me.

Anonymous9837:

22:38

Some days I feel okay. But I just... I'm tired all the time and I don't care about anything, the only thing that I actually feel emotionally responsive to is when I'm upsetting people.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I tried to move into my dad's a number of years ago after he told me there'd "always be a place" for me with him, and he knows things have been awful, and he's a lot to blame for it. But when I did, he suddenly didn't have room, which sucked. It kind of felt like I finally went to make a huge change in my life even though I was scared and ultimately was told, "nah." Like... Idk.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

I just keep thinking I need to get out of here, and the only feasible way I can imagine that is to not exist anymore.

Anonymous9837:

22:39

But that's a whole mess to itself.

Anonymous9837:

22:40

It's a good thing I'm anxious about what happens after you die, though. A lot of the time that's the only thing that keeps me here-- I guess that's true for a lot of people, but still.

Alex:

22:41

There really is no easy fix, which can make things seem hopeless. Elise, have you been thinking about suicide?

Anonymous9837:

22:41

Oh sure, but that's nothing new. I think about it pretty constantly, but I'm not going to enact it.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

I walked in on my mom readying to kill herself when I was thirteen and decided I didn't want to do that to anybody.

Anonymous9837:

22:42

But it's still a thought, and it's one of those things where it's just... Super depressing to realize that's what you'd kind of like to do.

Alex:

22:43

But you haven't thought about how and when you want to kill yourself and you're able to stay safe while we continue to chat?

Anonymous9837:

22:44

Yeah, I'm okay. That's why I'm talking now, so I don't have more of these thoughts later. I took an Ativan recently and I'm getting pretty calmed down in addition to that. I'm not in any danger to myself now, but. It's preventative, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

I've never really thought /how/ I'd kill myself, they all seem pretty creepy. More of what would happen after, which I guess is less dangerous.

Anonymous9837:

22:45

(my ativan is prescription, btw, I don't use it often but I do have it officially for when I need it)

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just kind of needed someone to talk to so it didn't stay in my head and chest and get into Bad Territory.

Anonymous9837:

22:46

I just hope I'll be Okay someday. I keep thinking I'm about to get to the final corner of this maze but it just keeps goddamn turning.

Alex:

22:47

Ok. Well Elise, what else do you think would help you right now? It sounds like having someone to talk to has helped with the stress a bit

Anonymous9837:

22:47

And it's tough, too, because you can't see all the progress you've made in these situations. But that's the depression talking.

Anonymous9837:

22:47

and yeah, it has, I'm getting pretty relaxed again already, so thank you for that.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I think I need to contact my therapist and discuss making our appointments more constructive, and contact my doctor to start finding a psychiatrist I like. My recent one retired.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

Which sucks, I really liked her.

Anonymous9837:

22:48

I need to keep on my SSI application... And just keep working through my list of to-do's, since every one of those I complete makes me feel like I'm doing a little bit better.

Anonymous9837:

22:49

I guess for right now I should get something to eat or drink and do little things, maybe just fold my clothes while I watch a movie, and probably write in my journal.

Anonymous9837:

22:50

And maybe tonight I'll go for a drive for some privacy and have a good cry-- I've been needing to do that for a while now.

Alex:

22:51

It sounds like feeling like you are making steps toward your recovery is important to you. You have a very well built plan of next steps to take.

Anonymous9837:

22:52

Thanks, I guess it's a matter of me actually doing them, haha. My mom actually is out here trying to get me to talk to her and... I think I should, I don't mean to cut off from you so quickly, but I'm calmed down and I know there are people out there in actual danger.

Alex:

22:52

Would you like someone from the IMAlive Team to follow up with you? That follow-up would be via email, a few days after this chat.

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Mm... I think I'm okay, actually-- Or, would that be just a check-in, I guess?

Anonymous9837:

22:53

Sure, you can contact me at *********@gmail.com, I guess.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Gives me something to keep working on myself for so I can reply with positive news, haha.

Anonymous9837:

22:54

Hopefully!

Alex:

22:54

A check-in. Ok Elise a member of IMAlive will follow up with you. In the meantime, be good to yourself smiley

Anonymous9837:

22:55

Thanks so much, I really appreciate you listening to me.

🙂

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