#my faith in them has been justifiably shaken because they keep fucking doing this

[atthebell]

the other thing to me is like okay well communication was actually happening in july and august so like what happened since then to make things just completely stop functioning

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Catching up with fond memories over fondue   

Our first ever fondue night was a success! Since most of us are beginners when it comes to fondue so we decided to keep it small and stuck to the basics. Overall it was a nice and low-key night well spent with good food and company.

Fondue night happened to be on the week Lessa and Sarah dropped by to visit. Lessa’s another old friend from Astra, one who I just missed when I visited the town and met up with Nathan. It’s been ages since Lessa and I last spoke so it was nice spending the past few days catching up with her and Sarah. 

Lessa Meisner is the kind of person who can find the silver lining in clouds no matter how stormy it gets. She’s not the fake cheery blindly optimistic type - more like a try to see beauty and magic and all kinds of good things even when life gets unfair. Lessa’s a couple years younger than me but she’s experienced more highs and lows than most people around my age or older. 

I don’t want to say that she has a lot of unlucky breaks because that would downplay her high spirit and resilience - two of her best qualities - but she shouldn’t have to go through a bunch of difficult stuff in order to prove herself worthy. Trauma and tragedy don’t make you compassionate and brave - no, it breaks you. Sure, it shaped you in some way, but it shouldn’t define you, nor should it justify why you deserved to go through something like that. 

I remember talking to Lessa about stuff like this and it’s still something that she often thinks about. If I recall correctly, Lessa actually wrote a thesis on how traumatic events in childhood can mess you up. No matter how well adjusted you are, that traumatic event still has an effect on you, often in ways you don’t really notice. 

Growing up, Lessa was often told that she’s brave. From carrying on after experiencing family tragedies to getting back up after having a seizure, the response was the same. “You’re so brave, Lessa.” quickly grew hollow in her ears. She gets what they mean but after hearing it over and over again, it loses meaning and sounds like a reflex. The way she describes it is like praising someone for getting back up on their feet after falling flat on their face. For someone who’s constantly falling, getting back up isn’t exactly bravery, it means carrying on as usual.

Bravery’s overrated, Lessa would say. Sometimes brave isn’t an option, sometimes you just need to move on with life. Too often people are focused on the big victories that it makes the small ones seem insignificant. But it’s the small victories that help you get through the day.

Lessa was the youngest of nine, not only she was the baby of the family, she was also the most frail. She’s had epilepsy for as long as she can remember so she grew up kind of sheltered. Her father died when she was six and then she lost her mother three years later. 

After her mother’s death, Lessa was sent to live with her oldest sister Margie, her brother-in-law John, and niece Sarah. Lessa didn’t want to be away from her other siblings but at the same time she was happy to be with Margie since they didn’t really see each other too often. Out of all her aunts and uncles, Sarah got along best with Lessa since they were close in age, so she was happy that her favorite aunt was moving in. John however was nothing like Margie - cold, distant, strict - but he was the one who saw potential in Lessa and pushed her when others tried to hold her back.

Living with Margie’s family had its ups and down for Lessa. The first year was significant for her as she began having seizures more frequently. Margie became overprotective of Lessa, which John didn’t approve of. Just when it seemed like things were going well for Lessa, her seizures ruined it for her. And she hated it.

But she got back up anyway. Because what else was she supposed to do? Lessa’s not one to wallow around in her misery. She gets mad and sad but sooner or later she’ll have to get up and smell the roses. So that’s what she did and John noticed. They don’t exactly have a warm relationship but at least he gets her, and for Lessa, that’s more than enough.

When Lessa was thirteen and Sarah eleven, Margie was diagnosed with late stage cancer. Despite aggressive treatment, the cancer spread and worsened, leaving Lessa and Sarah to watch Margie slowly die. Lessa described the whole ordeal as painful and if watching someone dying was bad, she’d hate to imagine what it was like for the one who is dying. Somehow, Lessa managed to get through the days, being a rock for Sarah and a source of comfort for Margie.

Out of all the losses she experienced so far, watching Margie die was the absolute worst moment in Lessa’s (and Sarah’s) life. It’s one of those things that really fucks you up and it’s sad. If memories can leave scars, I imagine that this one left a huge gash in Lessa’s heart. 

Lessa went into detail about what happened only once and that was enough. Christmas Eve, Margie, John, Lessa, and Sarah in the living room surrounded by presents that weren’t supposed to be opened until Christmas morning. Sarah upset, John stern, Margie quiet, and Lessa miles away. One minute Margie was there, then she was gone. She collapsed and that was it.

The months following Margie’s death were a blur for Lessa. Sarah began acting out, causing high tensions between her and John, and sometimes Lessa. To make matters worse, losing Margie exacerbated her epilepsy and at one point that she ended up in the emergency room. At her lowest, Lessa felt scared and helpless. She was tired of being brave.

Being told that she didn’t have to be brave was what pulled Lessa through. Wise words said by her brother-in-law, words that stuck with her and got her through tough times. As Lessa learned over the years, John has his own way of showing that he cares. She still finds him intimidating and cold but at least she can talk to him and he’ll listen. They don’t have a lot in common and yet he gets her while her siblings, while they mean well, often miss the point.

For the next several years, Lessa experienced more hardships such as the losses of five siblings as well as various health issues. When I met her at Astra, life has sort of settled down for Lessa a bit as for the first time in a few years her life wasn’t shaken up by something bad.

A surprisingly stable adulthood followed a turbulent adolescence. Out of the nine Meisner siblings, there’s only Lessa herself, her second oldest brother William and second oldest sister Faith. In terms of health, Lessa still takes anticonvulsants, which is likely something she’ll have to do for the rest of her life. After hitting twenty, the frequency of her seizures dropped significantly, allowing her to obtain a driver’s license last year.

Since we last hung out, Lessa’s been devoting her time to volunteering at various charity events and writing articles for My Mind is a Garden, a website she co-created that’s full of resources for mental health. She still lives with John and Sarah in Astra - John’s an English professor at the local college and Sarah’s studying at Ostermann Oaks College. William and Faith live nearby on opposite sides of town so the three of them visit each other a lot. 

My Mind is a Garden is one of those places I turn to when I feel down. Not only it’s full of interesting articles that are informative and super helpful, but they also have a team of online counselors who can help you out and I’ve heard good things about it. There’s also a podcast called Garden Chats that I listen to sometimes and it’s thought provoking. Lessa appears as a host in a handful of episodes, which is why I started listening to it.

Hanging out with Lessa these past few days brought back many fond memories. We reminisced a bit about our college days, reflecting on how much has changed since then. While prepping for the party, Sarah and KK Slider put on a mini concert at the marketplace, the four of us went for a hike around the beach, Daisy Jane and Lessa went firefly catching at Sunburst Island, and we picked a bunch of fruit for the party.

It’s almost dusk and we’ve just finished putting away the fondue equipment. Who knew chocolate covered fruit can be so good? So next time we throw another fondue party, it’ll be a chocolate themed one. Guess I’d better start learning how to cook with chocolate. Would I have to learn how to temper it? I don’t really understand how tempering works and apparently it can be a pain in the ass so I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to that. But it’ll be a fun challenge to take on.

[class301-blog]

NEW SUSPECT.

MOON NABI is the #07 on the class 301 rollcall list. born on september 14th, 1999. links up with the brunch bunch ( pepper ) and the mystery gang ( the spy ). voted most likely to murder park jisoo? let’s run by the evidence.

THE PRECEDENTS.

THE COLLECTED INFORMATION ON THE SUSPECT.

MOTHER - His mother is as innocent as she is beautiful but not even growing up in a quaint town like Jinhae could spare her from the evils of this world. She dropped out of high school in an attempt to escape the rumors surrounding her name and ends up in Seoul and in even more situations that make her odds of survival shrink to unlikely. Yet, somehow, he found her before all hope was lost. From one pained smile, he could see there was still a light that shone beneath the filth that had been piling up on her. He’s much older; fifteen years older, in fact. But he is kind and gentle and that’s all she has ever wanted. He is a successful man and has the power to whisk her away from anything that can hurt her, just like a King in a fairy tale. Their union is an unlikely one and whispers continue to follow her, but it’s different this time. She knows that she has earned the unconditional love and support of a soul that matches hers. No one can hurt her now. She is safe. FATHER - He has blood on his hands and the more he tries to wipe it off, the more it spreads until it’s caked onto his fingers. The blood dries and hardens and he fears there’s nothing to keep the digits from curving into sharp claws only capable of drawing more blood; causing more destruction. Yet, somehow, She found him before all hope was lost. From one pained smile, she could see there was still a light that shone beneath the filth that had been piling up on him. In that moment he knew that he’d found what his heart had been yearning for. Something pure; a lonesome dove to protect and nurture. Her grace warmed his heart and her tears of happiness washed away the blood on his hands, at least, in his mind. He treats her like a queen, the word “no” never passes his lips, at least, not until her child is born. BROTHER DEAREST - He’s a hellion. From the moment he greets this world and draws breath into tiny lungs; he’s wailing. From the moment his legs can carry him; he’s flailing, knocking down everything in his path. His mother tries to calm him but even as a child, he overwhelms her. Her husband still loves her as much as the day they met and anything that upsets her must be removed. Taeho is removed. He’s taken to a home for “special” children and abandoned there until he’s worthy to be in his mother’s presence. A BOY NAMED BUTTERFLY - He never tells her “no.” Not even when she decides on a new name for their first born. They’d settled on something quite masculine and formidable weeks before, but one look into big cat eyes blinking inquisitively changed her mind. “No, not like a butterfly…like a kitty,” she corrects her husband sweetly and turns her attention back to the quiet child in her arms. “Right, Nabi? Nabiya…Nabiya.” She sings him to sleep cooing the name and his father can’t help but wince from rekindling fear that had been smoldering in his gut. Weren’t they stacking the deck against him a little early? It reignites. HOME SWEET HOME - The big city of Seoul is no place to raise a child and as much as they’ve enjoyed traveling all across the globe on a honeymoon that’s lasted, literally years; it’s time to settle down and play house. They’re sure relocating to Jinhae is the best thing for their children. Yes, children. Taeho is collected from Europe and he fits even less with the picture-perfect couple now that there’s a brand new baby to love. His Korean has suffered terribly during his time abroad. He needs special care to catch up with the other children. His mother loves him cautiously but focuses on the baby. Her husband ignores him. They hire a nanny to raise him. And when that one quits, they hire another and another. CHILDHOOD - A lot had already happened to his family before Nabi came into the picture but he was their hope. He was a good boy; the child that they’d wanted. Curious but obedient, clever, quick, and sharp. He was thoughtful and empathetic and sweet. Taeho was the opposite. He was mean; a bully. He was much bigger and older and Nabi was obviously the bane of his existence. Nabi understood there was a difference between how he and his brother were treated but he could only attribute the contrast to how disobedient Taeho was. If he’d just behave, his parents wouldn’t be so hard on him. Nabi didn’t realize that wouldn’t have changed anything. For all the times he was teased and picked on to tears or beaten, he kept his mouth shut. If his parents asked what had happened, Taeho’s story was repeated word for word from his bloodied, split lips. He was like his father; he could take a beating and get back up. He would endure hardships on his own until he found a way to settle things himself. Taeho was bigger and stronger, but Nabi was smarter and it wasn’t long before he’d learned exactly how to take away the enjoyment from Taeho seeing him hurt. 7th GRADE - School changed everything for Nabi. He took off running and never looked back. He was bright-eyed and thirsty for knowledge. He was confident and smart and stood up for kids who were picked on because he knew how that felt. He had friends in every class, but a small group that he felt personally close to, a few kids that he felt were special and he trusted them, implicitly.

Despite being like his father and surviving his older brother’s bullying, Nabi was still very much like his mother. He had the same innocence, the same trust in the universe; an unwarranted faith that he could present his true self to the world and the world would not pick him apart or rip him to shreds until there was nothing left.

Like his mother, he was wrong.

And like before, Nabi clamped his jaw shut when fingers were pointed at him and bore the blame on his own; a sacrifice to angry adults who said he was just like his troublemaker brother, just like his father; a thug from Seoul that made his fortune from the misfortune of others. They were criminals.

He was a criminal. JOHN THE APOSTLE - “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” He is shaken to his core, but the sentiment gives him desperately needed strength and before long, the man’s name is inked into his skin, among other things. He justifies the actions of his so-called friends and his own inaction. It takes a long time until he can swallow over the lump in his throat, but with an entire month of mandatory self-reflection, it gives a sensitive and now jaded boy like Nabi a lot of time to plan. PEPPER - The walls go up on every side. Walls to shield a tender heart and what is left of his pride. He hands the key to Cinnamon and puts on a mask before facing his peers. He’s not going to let anyone hurt him again. He’s determined to smile and laugh and brush off everything thrown his way. He faces his adversaries with a cold glint in feline eyes. If they’re expecting a delinquent; a rebel, then he won’t disappoint them.

THE SPY - He keenly observes those around him and assesses the given situation. Whether it’s comforting words that purr forth from thick lips or a lashing from a sharp tongue that brings an uncomfortable truth to light, Nabi has the power to say what others wish they could, but wouldn’t dare. He’s allied himself to many secret causes throughout the span of his high school years and has forged alliances where not even his close friends would think it possible. It’s rumored that at least half the crimes he’s taken credit for aren’t his own.

It’s also rumored that his main motivation for pulling in favors in an attempt to find out who really murdered Jisoo, is because he knows there are few people the town would rather see punished for the crime than himself.

THE ALIBI.

THIS ACCOUNT IS CONSIDERED UNRELIABLE.

“I already told you.” His tone is flat but the edge of his words begins to sharpen. He’s been there for hours, repeating the same information to one ugly mugged cop after another; each one more disbelieving than the next. “We saw him coming out of his mom’s office. I don’t remember what day it was…Sunday? Tuesday? I don’t fucking remember.” Arms unfold from his chest and clasp behind his neck. Annoyance that had been pinching his face is gone once the youth stretches from side to side in the hard chair in which he’s been sitting for far too long. He should have a parent or guardian present or legal representation, but a phone call is not offered and he’s too proud to ask for one.

“And the night of the murder?”

“At home, with my family… like every night.” His answer is the same as he’s said before and his tone is just as smug. The truth is that it doesn’t matter what he told the police; they wouldn’t believe him anyway. However, the alibi he’d chosen was too clearly a lie. Any police officer and anyone who lived within a mile radius of the Moon’s lavish home could tell you that his parents were rarely home simply from the amount of noise complaints that were called in on any given night. The couple was almost always off on some exotic getaway, doing their best to put the love of Gomez and Morticia Addams to shame.

“Yeah and I bet you, and dear old dad, and your addict brother all took turns with her… like every night.”

It’s clear that the officers are frustrated and what better way to incite the rage of a teenage delinquent than insulting his precious mother? Indeed, Nabi feels bile rise and burn the back of his throat, but he swallows his fury, as he’s practiced. He smirks as he lifts his eyes to the older man and smiles; vicious and cold, as he’s practiced.

“Yeah… something like that.”

THE TESTIMONIAL.

THE SUSPECT’S THOUGHTS ON JINHAE HIGH.

He operates largely behind the scenes; habitually conducting business in dark hallways and empty classrooms. He considers himself, amongst other things, a sin-eater; a necessary evil. He deals in secrets and lies; some that are his own, but many that are not. He’s deceitful and whether it’s to help or to hurt isn’t ever clear. He holds sway over student, teacher and parent alike but you won’t catch him gloating or showing his cards until the moment is right.

He’s a Joker in this House of Kings and Queens. Jinhae High’s very own Least Likely to Succeed.