#my fav holiday is almost here i need to put my soul at ease

[fireinyourmouth]

help idk how to face my responsibilities. 

I know that there are things that need to be done that balance my bottom line and grow my connections to the web of people around me. But I keep doing things that would result in much of the opposite.  I don’t know if it’s absentmindedness with a lack of follow-through. Or if i’m just careless. I’d like to think that im not careless because all my undone things give me a ton of anxiety.  I’m too afraid to check my email because i know theres a lot of time sensitive information in there that I should have dealt with like last week. And knowing that makes me feel bad about myself because checking and responding to emails is so damn easy! I mean, most things I do are friken easy. Research papers? They drudge on, but I don’t think theres anything there that is actually difficult to do or find, they just take more persistence than normal things.  I digress, checking emails and checking back with people is an easy thing to do. but instead I avoid it and make myself anxious over the fact that I haven’t done it. communication. why do i feel anxiety over things?over simple things. over things that previously used to not give me anxiety.  more than a few times i have caught up on all of the social and clerical work related to the social stuff, and every time i tell myself that i wont let it slip again. of course, i don’t expect myself to be perfect about it. But when one thing ONE thing comes up, it’s not out of the ordinary for me to freeze up on it and not respond for a few weeks. why? this behavior makes me think that I am afraid of people,,, or at least communicating with them.  I think this folly is one of the major things that keeps me from functioning like a viable adult. I need to be better about it. And at least I know that. But it’s so frustrating to be aware of a thing and still not be able to follow it. I want to follow it.  If i do, maybe i can enjoy the things i like to do again.  because otherwise, I’m drowning in guilt from the things not done. 

and.. starting is just one email away. why am i so scared? I mean, no one is going to be straight up mean to me. not mean in the terrifying sense like when people would yell at me as a kid. but i think the adult version of that is burning social bridges by making yourself seem unaccountable. it makes the people on the other side not want to affiliate with you in any profitable or meaningful way. which is terrifying in my adult frame of mind. and knowing that i haven’t responded to the emails makes me feel like i know what they think of me. Of course I can’t know what other people conclude about my weirdo behavior or how it will change how they choose to interact with me. but it isn’t positive for me, I am pretty sure.  perhaps im scared to email because i feel like i am walking into a situation that in my mind i have already ruined. and i know i haven’t permanently ruined anything besides a spotless accountability reputation. when i put it that way, it makes me feel like i haven’t screwed up anything too major. And I suppose one bridge at a time isn’t a major thing at all. but i know how often i have ghosted when i really should not have. And I keep thinking about all of the opportunities that i have unknowingly forfeited because of my anxiety.  every day i feel the life i have failed to live. I shouldn’t be so upset. more opportunities will come my way. and maybe i did choose to take a low road compared to what my wants and talents would put me at. And im not saying that its for a reason, honestly. I blame my negligence. It all winds back to the same thing. I will reach my ends. I will live my entire life in the best way i can; which is not standing in my own way. I will feel like in the end i have done the right things because i did arrive at the ends. but that doesn’t mean that i don’t feel like i am irreparably fucking up in the mean time.  what i am scared of is that i will unknowingly deliberately miss out on the life my soul is pulling me to live. I’m afraid that i wont be aware of it. And I’m afraid that i will feel accomplished and fulfilled without doing what I am here on earth to do. 

i am afraid i will feel no regrets for a life that i was not intended to live.

what i really need to do is put myself in a life that will fulfill what i am supposed to do here. that way i wont feel like im just spinning my wheels while convincing myself that im happy. the money will come in time. i need to focus on my ends and not my means, because i can work it out. i love being dingy and poor. (tf?)

okay. so i feel pressured to enter into a portfolio building job right out of college. but deep down i don’t feel that it’s the right path for me. but not being employed in my field out of college when i easily could be feels like burning one of the most major bridges i possibly could. getting an early start feels so important. I mean, that’s why i went to college right out of high school. I’m afraid going to work in an upward bound carrier is signing up for the working world equivalent of school.  the thing that pisses me off about school is that it takes a lot of my prime energy and the BEST hours of the daytime away from me– by my own will!  It’s ridiculous. I’m supposed to work and work and work until i am able to be comfortable while not working. I need to reconcile how to claim my own time and energy for myself while also being able to sustain my life, like food, and rent, and travel and heck. I’m not tryna not work. I’m tryna have work for me.  the terrifying part about all of this in my case is that work, the leeching kind, is fun. it’s going into the community and meeting people and getting recognition for all my beautiful work is great. but that doesn’t change the fact that it still takes most of my hours and energy. It’s fulfilling in its own sense to do such interesting things all the time, and for that im thankful. but it is not the fulfillment that i crave. i dont think its what im intended to do. It puts a gut wrenching feeling inside of me. similar to the feeling i felt when i knew i had to break up with him. He made me happy. He gave me what i wanted out of a committed lover. but it’s not the fulfillment that i need to sate. it hurt me to realize that.  and it hurts me to know that solely working as a photographer or a writer is not what is going to fulfill me in the way that i need to be.  I’m not lazy. I don’t want to do nothing. But having the freedom to do nothing is freedom to fill it with anything i want. And I want to be able to do that guilt free. And I want it to sustain me. it seems like a tall request. because the only path i see that does that is a novelist or a freeloader on my parents.

I feel deep down that i am supposed to meet up with a smallish community of people that are all moving in the same general direction. I don’t know what or why. But i know those human connections are what will give me what i need. the goals and the process will naturally follow. I feel like i need to be there. I don’t know where or why, but i feel like i can help them. i am definitely drawn to something out there. too bad i have no fuckin clue who or what it is.  and maybe, a job in my field is what will put me in the vicinity of those people. Here’s my catch, I can feel right and fulfilled with most anyone who has a clear direction and is actively moving towards it. my saving grace is what my gut tells me.  I’m just afraid that i will never find what fulfills it.  Even worse, I’m afraid that my gut could be wrong.  (but of course that implies that there is a for sure correct destination that i am supposed to land at. and the correct destination could be thousands of different places and circumstances, but i feel that i have a fate waiting for me. And i am afraid that it is always delicately hanging in the balance, on the precipice of impossibility; at the mercy of one mistake. I always feel like i could do some one crucial thing to fuck up my purpose and influence in (and on) this life, completely unaware. and still be happy.) that is simply terrifying.