#my grocery list is soooo long i'll have to see what i actually need and whats just a little bonus

[southislandwren]

day 4 in the chamber. they aint found me yet but when they do they gon be surprised

[tamiddyinyourcity]

1:58pm.

I fucking hate slutty ass Target and their whore website entirely.

Also, I saw a grown man's fat hairy asscheeks today.

So, clearly there's a lot to unpack here.

Sunday, April 5th of 2020.

I wanna say any offensive word that I can, even aggressive and irrelevant ones, just to blow off steam. (I usually tend to have tics, and try to avoid writing swears on accident in writing.)

I'm not gonna say the n-word.

I'll just say.... bitch whore slut mother fucker goddamned cunt slut whore shitheas bitchstain whorestick fucking damn cumwhore cumslut fuckwhore goddamn.

And oddly, that does help me feel better.....

Alright, what's been going on for today, you ask?

Here's a freaking list:

Whore. I went to help Eli out today get into his chair. He never makes it easy, so instead of any easy 10 minutes or 25 minutes to just lift him into his chair out of bed princess style, and then letting him motor himself to the restroom and shower and whatnot.... He insists on "exercising". That in itself is fine, but I always find myself irritated at the concept of watching a 38 or something year old man wiggle out of bed and very very veeeeeeeeeery painfully slowly scoot his feet and booty to the restroom. Plus since his hands and arms aren't strong enough to function like the average able bodied human being, then that meant seeing his pants sag and fall off of his entire ass........ Not great, seeing a man with bowling ball sized asscheeks and hair on his gooch.... at.... all.... (Some people look good with that, but this was not the case.)

Just in general, the mundaneness of waking up much earlier than I'm used to, in order to help him... But the only pain from it, is that what would usually be only six seconds for a person to walk into a shower in the very next room, for him, is over 13 minutes or so. Along with undressing, and even more.

It's sad, since its not like he can help it if his pants slip and I get mooned, or how long he showers, or needing help getting dressed. I feel not exactly amazing for disliking things, but eh.

Another factor probably is just talking with him in general. Idk, some people are just.... predictable to talk with. Like I could say, "Its so cold outside from the rain", and he could say, "Yeah, thats too bad, yeah. The rain makes it cold." "Yeah." "It sucks, since like... warm is.... better." "Yeah, it is..." "Its soooo bad when it rains." "Its not so bad." "Well yeah, but yknow... warm is... better than... the cold... since when it gets so cold, its hard to go out in the rain, you know?" "Yeah."

Then it's just him echoing whatever I say, in a slightly altered way.

It just overall is annoying in so many ways; my germaphobia mixed with unclean things in his house, seeing the red flaky scalds around his droopy eye sockets, his underbite and greasy facial hair, his lack of self awareness, and many many factors.

Weird to know that a few months ago, I was actually going on dates with him. (Not out of romance.)

Thank fuck I'm not doing that anymore. Out of all the men I've met, ive had terrible kisses, but being so grossed out from a small peck on the lips from a man that i had to wash my mouth in the bathroom several times is really fucking bad. (Mainly since he slobbered when he ate, had an underbite, gross facial hair.... hard to want to kiss a man who would let a slimy piece of rice sit on his bottom lip, or have food spill from his mouth as he talked, you know?)

It was better to end it. He was just too................. well, out of it. He helped a lot back then, but there still would be a man with more to him that would be just as into me out there someday.

Anyway, moving on my thoughts from the really nasty kisses had before... (once his tongue slid through his teeth and made a peck worse; i think that was when i ended it.)

In my house now. I tried to get groceries delivered on Target, but alas.... they won't let me schedule a day, and items are selling out on the fucking daily.

I didn't eat or sleep enough.

I'm sleeping without my bed touching the wall, due to suspicious stains my grandmother left on the wall before leaving..... Even after cleaning the walls with lemongrass tea, disenfectants, and pure bleach, one of them won't come off. And frankly, its too soon to even want to touch the spot. It smelled so bad, the sponges I used had the scent stick to it the rest of the time I used it to clean my bathroom.

And long story short, sleeping without my bed touching the walls, to at least have the wall act as a Big Spoon and I can lay cooped up in the corner.... means being sleepless, due to being afraid to fall off and whatnot.

Hard to get the energy to organize or clean my room, due to lack of sleep and comfort already.

And so, as a result? I am cranky and disgusted in several forms. :)

For fucks sake, Target, I just want to meal prep and eat fruit and make fucking sandwiches, let me get food delivered please.

Sigh.

:/

Might fuck around and get Dominos Pasta.

I could use some comfort food. I'm getting more miserable lately, and want to get back onto my feet.... First through a fridge of healthy foods, then a bedroom sanctuary, and then finally feeling like I'm at home, to a certain extent.

....

Sigh.

Whatever.

Also, I got a wig, and uh.... another cool special item. Its a special tool that will help us later! :)

Might make podcasts about old relationships if I feel mentally stable enough to flashback like that.

Alright.

2:28pm. Tiring. Life. :)

Gonna eat as much pasta as I can and try not to feel so paranoid lately. Peace out.