#my guy no one who pays a million dollars to go to fancy ass movie theater wants to sit next to an unattended minor

[hauntedfalcon]

I'm going fucking inSANE no one FUCKING listens to me and I get to fucking SUFFER for it

[nora-reads-homestuck]

Nora Reads HS Part 67

Pages 6094-6153

Heya, guys. I’m working on some hectic personal projects at the moment that are eating up a lot of my free time, but I’m on a staycation today and have decided to devote it to Homestuck! So, last time we got a closer look at young Mom, a.k.a. LittleLonde, and learned that Bro’s auto responder isn’t just a glorified answering machine, but a shades-dwelling AI with a level of intelligence seemingly on par with a human’s. We were also treated to the hilarious revelation that LittleLonde’s chat style is more like Dave’s than Rose’s, and Bro’s (or at least the responder’s) style is more like Rose’s than Dave’s. Will the two of them share other similarities with their opposing ectobiological offspring? Will Bro like knitting, in addition to making weird robots, and LittleLonde enjoy laying down some choice rhymes? And what on earth is the Condesce up to?

Let’s find out!

*click*

Jake: Exit.

...Aaaaaand it’s another character select screen! And I still can’t click on LittleLonde or Bro, rrghh. I guess I’ll click on Jane first, as much as I want to know more about Jake’s merciless stalkerbot.

But if you've been her already, there's really no point to this thing anymore. Time to move on.

...Oh. Wow dang, I’m dumb. OK THEN, MOVING ON.

Michael Cera??? Is this because of that poster in John’s house that kind of looked like... Hussie, you beautiful motherfucker. On the other side of the hall, we’ve got a Bing Crosby instead of a harlequin. So this is what the Crockbert decor looks like without the influence of Gamzee’s chucklevoodoos.

You are suddenly Jane again. Or, you suddenly keep being Jane. Who can say for sure???

Maybe next time I’ll be paying enough attention that I don’t keep cycling back through the same character select pages. :|a

Hopefully your dad is still out back washing the car. Ideally this is one of his legendary infinite car washes. What can you say? Dad fancies his automotive ablutions.

Both Dad’s and adult!Dave’s water bills must be outrageous. Luckily they’ve probably got assloads of money to cover it.

...Wait a sec, since Jane’s dad is alive, why isn’t HE the heir to Crockercorp?? Unless it can only pass down to females, who have to take up the mantle of Betty Crocker?

You slip the HALLWAY CERA a furtive wink for good luck.

Ahahaha.

Just one of your dad's bland HALLWAY DOUCHEBAGS.

FUCK I JUST SPIT WATER EVERYWHERE

Another example of his cornball dad tastes, which make you roll your eyes and shrug. Still, it's preferable to how it used to be. Years ago he would work really hard to mimic your interests throughout the household. Gaudy paintings of sitcom legends covering the walls, hideous detective figurines littered everywhere. You think it's better that he embrace his own interests rather than try to pander to yours.

Huh, that’s interesting. Could it also have been the case with Rose’s mom that she was trying to connect with her through sharing the same interests? Or is this simply meant to tell us that Dad is so much of a non-person that he automatically reflects the interests of whatever kid he’s got under his roof?

It felt a bit forced, and your early teen years were filled with daily rounds of familial STRIFE. Not so much anymore. Now whenever there is a father-daughter disagreement, you settle things in an adult fashion by being honest about your feelings and talking it through,

Ah, good! Hopefully this means LittleLonde and Bro will have less enmity toward their guardians than Rose and Dave.

and also by sneaking around the house in silly disguises.

Pfffff.

Jane: Take a peek into living room.

JOOOHN, NOOOOOOOOOO, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIIIIIIIIE???

Ahem. Who’s that douchebag in the pork pie hat on the left? Fred Astaire maybe?

There's a familiar face. A friendly face. Old poppop Crocker, smiling from beyond. Your dad sure misses him. He doesn't like to talk about the day he died. Some incident involving a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a mysterious young woman in a suspicious looking hat. You have often fantasized about putting on your dirty old fedora and your Frenchest looking mustache to go tracking down this felonious broad and bring her to justice. But your dad always says best to let sleeping dogs lie.

Oh jeez. What will she do when she realizes the felonious broad is none other than herself?? >:O

There's some other plucky looking tool there next to him. Dunno who that guy is.

Yeah, I can’t really tell.

I WARNED YOU ABOUT ASTAIRES, BRO.

You were afraid this might be the case. Your dad has blocked the front door with the REFRIGERATOR. Looks like he's taking the grounding seriously this time.

Holy shit, Dad, overboard much. How the heck is LittleLonde supposed to put the cruxtruder there if the fridge is in the way??

You aren't about to go smashing glass and making a ruckus though. You'll need a solution involving more stealth. You guess you have a plan in mind as a last resort, but you'd rather it not come to that.

> Jane: Consult with poppop.

...Um??? What is an urn of ashes supposed to do, other than get toppled at the most hilarious and inopportune moment?

OH GOD OH NO, OH NOOOOOOOOOOO. So apparently Dad’s taken a page out of Jade/Grandpa’s book and had John stuffed. What do you want to bet he stipulated in his will that if he were preserved, his descendants had to do hilarious things with the corpse?

...Also, if he died the same fiery, explosive death Nanna did, how is there enough left of him to stuff?

It practically went without saying your dad keeps poppop stuffed and mounted in front of the fireplace, as is the family tradition. Poppop grew up with his legendary humorist grandfather stuffed in front of the fireplace, and so did his grandfather. This was stipulated firmly in the will, at the end of a long list of joke stipulations. (Dad knew this was a real stipulation though.)

Ahahaha, almost right on the money. So John lived with a stuffed Colonel Sassacre, but who did Colonel Sassacre have stuffed in front of his fireplace?

You always did find it a little macabre though, trying to watch tv and eat dinner on the couch with a dead old man standing about five feet away. You'd honestly prefer he not be kept here in the living room. Sometimes you tell dad you really want poppop in the attic. He says the mere fact you call it that tells him you're not ready.

The mere fact that she calls what what? That she calls the attic an attic? What else is she supposed to call it; the super-hive storage compartment??

What's that, poppop? It seems he's concerned that you may not be properly equipped. You prove to him that you indeed had no intention of leaving the house without your trusty joke book.

Oh wow. So if I’ve got the timeline right (and I’m not overly sure that I do), the Sassacre’s John is holding is the same one that actually went through the game with him, and not just the one that got sent down on the meteor with him. The meteor Sassacre’s was much cleaner and wasn’t yet covered in oil.

Hah, fun call back!

YES, I am going out with this book! No, I will not go get an unabridged copy! No, I will not take yours! I can hardly even lift it! Oh, that is so preposterous. Do you even hear what you're saying? I will be fine! This is a perfectly funny book and it contains many incredibly funny jokes! Oh, will you just stop it. I am going now. Good day!!! >:B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With a passive-aggressive smiley to top it off. >:B

OH DEAR GOD.

You just remembered something your alien friend said about the big old book downstairs, and trusting words written by your own hand.

My god, that thing looks like shit. How many trips has the poor book taken by now? How is it not falling apart??

Uh, whoops. Sorry, poppop.

Yeah, “”whoops””.

> Jane: Retrieve arm.

This may be the very first time this command was actually 100% literal, and it’s beautiful.

Looks like it got used to wipe an ogre’s ass.

Is your friend suggesting that you were the one who wrote this inscription? You find that idea a bit hard to swallow. Still, your friends are always babbling about time travel...

Friends, plural? Just how much do Bro and LittleLonde know about the game??

You always thought this inscription was written to your poppop by his nanna, who was your great great grandmother, founder of the corporation you'll inherit in a few years.

Hah, that’s a laugh.

In any case, this message to poppop from his sweet old nanna is the best evidence you have to dispute all this evil batterwitch nonsense. She clearly cared for her grandson very much, and would never start a company responsible for the things it's accused of, let alone be alive today to perpetrate them. But then, what if she wasn't the one who wrote it? This thought makes you very nervous.

What if, indeed? Oh lawd, is she going to have one of those heroic BSOD moments John is prone to at the slightest revelation?

You suddenly remember your dream. What did it mean? You should talk to Jake about all this.

YES. YES, GOOD. *rubs hands together furiously*

Oh god, they’re both gonna get brainjacked, aren’t they.

GG: J, how goes the bunnyquest?

No need to be coy, Harley Quinn, we already know his name!

GG: What is it that has you hamstrung? Did you ever track down the slippery Mr. Strider?

And now I’m picturing young Bro slathered in Crisco. Great.

GT: Not exactly. GT: His stupid doppelglasses have set me on a wild goose chase to go pry his dumb robots chest open and swipe its uranium. GG: Sounds dangerous! GT: No shit. GT: I think id rather deal with the monsters.

With... the... what now?? I don’t remember the island having anything living on it besides Jade and Bec. ...We haven’t seen Bec, I presume, because he’s not the First Guardian anymore. So who raised him after Jade died??

GG: Why is it that our two best friends in the world always seem to place themselves at the source of all our problems, while simultaneously presenting their only solutions?

The M.O. of many a movie villain, just waiting in the wings with their million-dollar wonder drug or superhero-killing ammunition. Hmmm...

GG: I'm debating whether or not to enlist his help in the matter of my current imprisonment. But I'd rather keep it as a plan of last resort. GT: Dont do it jane its a trap!!!

Two questions here: how is Bro going to help, and how/why would it be a trap?

GG: Right. Well, not to keep you too long, since we both still have our missions ahead of us, but I wanted to tell you about that dream I had. GT: Oh yeah! GT: I was curious about that. Tell me everything and make it snappy!

I guess the ‘shitknickers’ is implied. Is she going to start her story with “It seems”?

GG: Ok, but, I should say that the nature of the dream was a bit worrisome. GG: And I'm concerned it may have implications for the game we're about to play. GG: So it's probably best that I tell you about it before you leave.

Oh jeez. What exactly did she see?

D’aww, how cute! I love the Prospit dreamers’ dresses.

GG: I woke up on the planet which we have been told about by our mutual acquaintance. GG: The one covered in golden cities. Prospit, remember? GT: Oh. Wouldnt it be prospits moon? GG: Yes, you're right. It was the moon, actually. I could see the planet on the dark horizon.

Wow, not only do LittleLonde, Bro, and mystery!troll know more than they should, but even Jane and Jake are familiar with the game’s constructs.

GG: Are you sure you haven't woken up there before? GT: Haha i WISH. GT: I have received reports from jade about this as well. She liked to talk about her dreams on prospits moon a lot. GG: I see. The impression I have developed is that this is supposed to be a real place, and all who dream there have shared experiences. GG: Did Jade ever mention seeing us there? GT: No but why would she? This was long before we were born! She was dreaming there like a hundred years ago or something.

Are you sure?

GASP! Those Prospitians are all naked!! Is that what they look like before prototyping occurs?

GG: I explored the moon, and began to notice people gathering in the streets. GG: But they weren't human. They were funny looking, perfectly white creatures. GT: Yeah those are prospitians. GT: They have these hard carapace shells and also have something to do with chess i think?

Well at least we don’t have to endure everything getting explained in excruciating detail all over again.

...WAIT DON’T FUCKING TELL ME MYSTERY!TROLL IS GOING TO GIVE ANOTHER SPIEL ON TROLL ROMANCE.

GG: Well, I don't know if they had much to do with chess here. GG: The more closely I observed, the more they appeared somewhat despondent. GT: Like... GT: Sad? GG: Yes. GG: I determined they were in mourning, actually.

Oh, shit. There’s only three people I can think of that they might have been mourning, and none of them is a good person to have die before the game even fucking starts.

GT: Hey. GT: Jane you said i was in this dream. Where do i come in? GG: Shoosh! I'm getting there.

OH FUCK.

Ah okay, so they are wearing clothes, just boring monochromatic ones.

GG: More and more Prospitians were filing out of the buildings every moment. GG: They all began to form a single, major procession. GG: When I got closer, I could see that some were in tears. GG: I realized this was a funeral.

If it’s not for the White King or Queen, then...

GG: I heard whispers, but couldn't make out what they were saying, so I got closer. GG: They were all saying the same thing, over and over.

All work and no play makes... Jack... an omnipotent god dog?

GG: "The Page is dead." GG: "Our hope is lost."

OH NOOOOOOO! How the heck is he ever going to go god tier?? :’(

GT: The page? GT: Whos that?

It’s you, Jake. :’( :’( :’(

GG: Jake. GG: The Page was you.

A beautiful image, and somber words, made only slightly more humorous by the fact that they echo Toby Fox’s illicit masterpiece.

GT: Oh. GT: Drat.

About as expressive as Dave’s ‘welp’.

GT: Are you sure?

Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?

GG: Yes, I saw your body lying in a sort of coffin, on a bed of flowers. You were dead as a doornail.

If he were actually named Jake (Jacob) Harley, that would have been quite clever. Ah well, near miss.

GG: Everyone was so distraught! GG: Including me. :(

Awww. Either they’re totally destined for each other, or... well, we’ll see. I ship it, I guess.

GG: I hope I'm not too late to "warn" you, though to be frank I don't have the foggiest clue what it is I'm warning you about. GG: "Dear Jake, oh please do try not to... have already... died in my dream? Likely while you were sleeping, perhaps peacefully?"

Yeah, you’re a little late on that one. Unless we missed something about this all being in one of Skaia’s dream clouds... in which case it would inevitably happen anyway. Gosh, this is bad!! We know there’s an alternate way to get to the god tiers in the form of the quest slabs at the center of Prospit/Derse, but the few times we saw that in action, it was the players’ dream selves that died on them.

...Come to think of it, why not use the quest slab for a funeral bier instead of the coffin? It might have made for a far more interesting and, uh, lively funeral.

GT: And um same goes for you about being careful what with these various rogues accosting you with foul play lately and whatnot...

Rogue... player class? Eh, could be reaching.

GG: Now let's get this silly old adventure off to the races before the coat of dust it's growing gets any thicker.

Coat of dust? A coat antithetical to Lord English’s technicolor dreamcoat?

> Jake: Get silly old adventure off to the races.

And it looks like we’re Jake again!

He’s wearing cleats? How fucking dorky. Now PLEASE don’t fake us out the second he steps outside, unless it’s to show us LittleLonde or Bro. I could live with that.

Ok, something REALLY weird is going on here, and I don’t just mean the pumpkins. That doesn’t look like Jade’s house as I’m used to seeing it. It looks like... the arm that connects the bedroom to the main body of the house broke off? What’s the deal??

SHIT, I was right. And not only are there a metric fuckton of pumpkin vines, but also... a whole forest? I don’t remember seeing a single tree on Jade’s island. So things post-Scratch are different, in ways that aren’t yet quite clear. What was the catalyst for change?

Although these pumpkin vines are amazingly prolific, every morning when you leave your bedroom, you'd swear half the pumpkins vanished over night. It's probably just the FAUNA eating them. Not that it matters, because they keep growing right back.

Are these ‘fauna’ the monsters he was talking about with Jane? Did Jade have a whole safari imported or something?

It wasn't always overgrown like this. When you first discovered the TRANSMATERIALIZER, you started messing around with it haphazardly. You kept appearifying pumpkins from somewhere.

OH MY FUCKING GOD IT WAS JAKE ALL ALONG. And Jade never knew, did she?? That’s fucking priceless.

It was just pumpkin after pumpkin, until one time a copy of the bunny you inherited from grandma showed up, much less old and tattered of course.

Aha, so that’s how their communication started! And presumably also how he had two versions of the bunny, one to give to John, and the other to send to Jane. One question down, 99 million to go.

You brought all the surplus pumpkins home and left them lying about. Then the seeds sprouted and started growing out of control. You guess that's what happens when you introduce nonindigenous FLORA into the wilderness.

Ok but pumpkins don’t grow on trees, so that still doesn’t explain the forWHOA WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT IN THE BACKGROUND??

“”FAUNA””?????

KARKAT’S LUSUS???????

HOW THE FUCK

DID THAT EVEN GET THERE, I DON’T KNOW

> Jake: Be completely oblivious to thing in background.

Hah, that almost sounds like a user submitted request.

You successfully fail to notice it.

Pfffahahaha.

Wait notice what? You don't even know what we're talking about here. But it doesn't matter for now because suddenly a wild chum assails you with banter!!!

Woo, more LittleLonde!! Yes, yes, I am ok with this.

Oh my god, it IS Karkat’s lusus, except horrifyingly even bigger. And it looks like it’s got it out for Jake...

TG: holy shit jaaaje TG: lol *k

Jaje. Yes. Totally should have been his name.

GT: Howdy! GT: What is all this commotion about? TG: nothin TG: just your basic run o the mill holy shit TG: and also TG: hi

OH MY FUCKING GOD SHE’S ADORABLE. I haven’t even known her that long, but she’s quickly rocketing up my favorites list. I’ll have to do a recap of the list when I’m done with this Act Act.

TG: also TG: want 2 know TG: what do you want for ur wigglin day

Awww, that’s cute too. Did she pick up that term from mystery!troll?

GT: Im not really abreast of the raddest jargon that the cool kids toss about these days. GT: Maybe because i live alone on an island? I dont know but in any case are you referring to my upcoming birthday? TG: ys GT: I see. Very thoughtful of you to consider so early! GT: I dont wager i could advise with much specificity but i can all but assure you i will find any gesture of yours to be totally capital! TG: eeaauuuuurghh you are so fuckin adorable

NO U.

GT: Um... *wrings at kerchief with perspiring mitts* TG: YOINK nabs kerfief an stops RPing for rest of chat

Ahahaha, shut the fuck down.

TG: i wouldnt get the chance TG: unless we play this game like a bunch ofsuckers obviously

*[S] Cascade flashbacks*

TG: if you want 2 know what i think.......... GT: Yes? TG: do ya? GT: I do want to know what you think! GT: I always want to know. Because you are always smart and sassy.

Truth.

TG: i really dont think we should GT: Should what now? TG: play the game GT: Why not? TG: the barnoness wants us to TG: * baroness TG: i dont know why TG: everything i know about it says it should be a good game and real important and itll let us all get togehter and do somethin great and be besf friends for maybe eternity? TG: but she took all that and twisted it somehow

On the one hand, I know that they really do have to play for the story to go anywhere, but on the other, if the drunken Cassandra gets a bad feeling about it, you know shit’s gonna go wrong.

TG: all i know is shes banking on us doing this and if she needs us to do this than its got to be to make somethin fucking hoorible happen TG: * horbible TG: * whore bible TG: ^ bullseye

PLEASE CAN I JUST MARRY HER???

GT: Well... GT: Whore bibles notwithstanding i have it on terrific authority that playing this game will be incredibly important! GT: So perhaps youre right maybe we are part of her evil plan? But does that also necessarily rule out that good will come of it? TG: i guess not TG: i just have a bad feelin

...Aaaand she said the words, so it’s pretty much guaranteed. But Jake’s not wrong, in any case; some good will come out of it by the end. I hope.

TG: maybay im just like this nutty ass bitsh twirling yarn from a shitwizards nappy brown beard but i cant bring myself to trust a cake sellin genocidal alien overlard sea queen TG: * overl... TG: n/m that santence chx out GT: Agreed. :D

ALRIGHT, that’s it, I’m setting a date. You’re all invited to our wedding this upcoming 4/13.

TG: so what is the itinerary again GT: Intinerwhosit? TG: regarding the game TG: whosplaying in what order etc GT: Oh. Is there such an itinerary? TG: yeah i think so i think its going like TG: i start with jane and bring her in the session TG: then ds brings me in and you bring him in and them jane does you and closes the loop

That makes sense, although if we go the way of the pre-Scratch session, “”DS”” will be serving more than one player. Ugh, ENOUGH with this initial shit, JUST GIVE ME THE D!!!

...Ahem.

GT: Where are you getting this intel? Did you guys make a plan or something? TG: nah dont wory about it

From mystery!troll, I guess. Though for all her talk of causal spoilers, she sure has imparted just about everything ‘nonessential’ down to the finest detail.

GT: Ooh, these illicit hacked warez which i heartell were recently jimmied piping hot off the interclouds? TG: ahahah i love that you were barely even joking with that statement bup yeah basically GT: The silicon pickpocket strikes again!!! Whom is the wiser? Nobody. TG: ffffffffff <3 

FUCK I love these kids. Almost makes it acceptable that I’m probably not going to see the original human kids for a while yet.

TG: k ill send it but GT: Yeah? TG: jake GT: What? TG: jjjjjaaake GT: !!!!!? TG: youre wearin one of ur dumb computers now arent you GT: Uh... TG: you are all thinktyping at me right now while wearing something rudiculous TG: * RUDEdiculous (hi five 2 self) GT: Hogswallop! Why would you even think that? GT: Thats so stupid.

Eeeeee, call back! Also, is it totally pathetic of me that I fucking teared up laughing rereading John and Rose’s banter? I LOVE ALL THESE KIDS SO MUCH.

W’uh oh. I’d bet that’s not just a friendly tap on the shoulder inbound.

TG: im not letting either of you run this file on your shitty brainwashy propaganda helmets or anything else u got to wear to run TG: tis my one condition

YES, AND A GOOD AND REASONABLE ONE, TOO. Listen to the drunk, Jake!!

GT: Then you have decided to play in spite of your reservations? TG: i dunno i guess GT: Bravo! TG: dont all bravo @ me man youre just bravoing a big ass shrug TG: i mean maybe TG: i have every reason to want to play it TG: im actually dying to play it ok

Well fuck, I hope that’s not foreshadowing. Of course, the chances of that being true are like, infinitesimal.

TG: ahh CHRIST waht a geneltman TG: *fixfix

Huh, this must be awful to read for dyslexics.

TG: but thats the thing with you TG: you belvieve in people and also the things they tell you TG: jane never believed my crap TG: never any of my warnings about the baroness TG: didnt believe any of the stuff about my mom TG: and so on and so on and soon

Makes sense, since he’s a Page of Hope!

TG: til after awhile i just stopped even trying to convince her hard or bring up any crazy shit TG: because u know doing a lot of songs and dances to convince somebody who thinks youre jush shitting them all the time kind of wears on a friendship TG: and who even needs that

Awww, that’s actually super sad. I know how frustrating it is when you need somebody to believe you, and they don’t, or they refuse. It’s pretty terrible.

TG: but you believe in stuff TG: probbly because the more crazy fake shit you believe in the more open the world gets and the more chance there is for adventures being real right GT: Right o! If a man believes hard enough in imaginary things then i dare say that makes them slightly less fake!

The power of a Page of Hope, I presume? I wonder if we’ll see this in action! It could have some great applications in-game.

TG: its one of those things jane likes about u so much GT: It is? TG: which TG: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr im not supposed to talk about 2 u evr so nm GT: Talk about what? TG: nope GT: You mean how um... GT: Well a way in which i suppose... TG: no nope GT: Jane is prone to looking upon me with what i fathom to be more than just friendly affection?

OH NOOOOOO. Cat’s out of the bag, I guess! How will he react? Did he already have an inkling, or is this a surprise? And does he like Jane baaaaack?

TG: nope nope nope nope nope nope TG: hey look who didnt say nothin about that why it is this silly fuckin drunk girl over here

YOU’RE NOT HELPING YOUR CASE, LITTLELONDE.

GT: Its a tricky issue. And you know i adore jane and please dont think i havent given some thought to... GT: Well that angle on our relationship i guess.

Oh jeez, I’m sensing a ‘but’.

GT: Oh. Yeah i can see the dilemma this causes for your friendship with her. GT: Ill drop it. TG: whew TG: ok ont this topic TG: i am now an forever TG: miss zupperlips TG: * zupperlups TG: * ziperlups TG: sjkhfskjf TG: * MISS ZUIPPERPIPS TG: fuck TG: k this is me 4 futref TG: ZIIIIIIIP TG: ^+++++++^

I, NORA, DO THEE WED, ET CETERA ET CETERA

...Shit I don’t even know her name.

GT: Haha oh my. GT: Nothing is escaping that lovely ladys whistlemaker! Its shut tight as a drum!! TG: mmmmrrmmmnnmmm GT: Whoa wait i hope that didnt sound dirty...

Well it didn’t until you said something, JAKE.

GT: If in the future i would like to bring up certain topics completely unsolicited by one who may be sworn to secrecy on those very matters... GT: And im in need of i guess neutral and totally non compromising advice from a friend do you think that miss zuipperpips might unseal those scandalous metal choppers for a bit? GT: Fuck that also sounded kinda dirty!!! God dammit. TG: rm TG: unzip yeah of course TG: im totals your bee eff effsy jake TG: i am like TG: AT PEACE with that reality fromerly known as a raw fuckin deal for what avenues it closes betewen u and i that bein your bffsy has got to mean but yeah

GT: Wait what? TG: i am just chill as fuck about being a pale friend to all varieties of cute and eligible as hell peeps TG: do you see my shoulder and how it says hey friend plz deposit tears here? TG: that is a LEGIT invite and is like sincere as fuckin BANANAS

Ok so I’m laughing at this, but at the same time, that’s another troll concept she has no business knowing about. Damn, I wonder how the story would have gone if the original four kids had been as friendly with the trolls as these kids are. Would have saved a ton of time, I bet.

GT: Oh. Im sure it is but i dunno how much crying im going to be doing... GT: Probably none i think.

Pfffahaha.

TG: up to his neck in TG: all the wopes TG: * woes GT: Nah its cool. TG: speaking of which TG: i heard hes making u track down his roboself TG: to kill it or something for uranimum

So... she used ‘speaking of which’ to bridge a conversation about people liking Jake to talking about Bro without even mentioning him by name. I guess that means everybody really DOES want the English booty.

GT: Sigh... TG: and TG: the AR disabled the novice setting??? GT: Yes. TG: hahahahahahhahahahshshshjsjsj TG: *hahaha TG: u r so fucked

I know it’s getting redundant, but AHAHA I LOVE HER.

GT: I was actually just getting all of my final affairs in order when you messaged me. GT: I was to bequeath to you all my WAB posters. TG: wab wut GT: Weekend at bernies dammit!!!!!! TG: oh fuck yeay TG: im always in need of something to put under my cats shit box

HEEEEEEEEE.

TG: ok tell you what TG: as an early wigglin day thing u know what ill do GT: I still dont really get the wiggling thing but no what? TG: ill enable the brobots novice setting again for you GT: Wow... GT: Thanks i think???

How the heck is she going to do that? Convince the auto responder? Or is she really as technically inclined as she jokes about being?

Look, LOOK, IT’S EVEN GRUMBLING IN KARKAT GRAY.

It is time to get DEAD SERIOUS about hunting down a robot that looks exactly like your best friend, destroy it with your guns somehow, and steal its uranimum.

Well, it’s a little disturbing when you put it like that. Somehow I didn’t realize that the robot actually really looks like Bro...?

You totally forgot about the FRIGHTENING FAUNA on this island, and its regrettable REALNESS ATTRIBUTE.

OH M YGOD, HIS FUCKING BEDSHEETS. I HAD THE CLUE RIGHT THERE AND I MISSED IT.

> Jake: Turn around.

I smell another psyche or a character select screen...

WHOA OR NOT. WOW THAT THING IS HUGE.

> [S??????] ==>

Hmm, that’s new. *click*

...Eh? It’s just a static gif page. Is this a call back to Karkat not having an actual strife flash?

You leap into the tropical island fray in an attempt to violently pacify the gigantic Earth crabdad.

CRABDAD. CANON. And it’s not even that far out of the realm of reason for a non-troll to call it that, like how weirdo Yankees call crawfish ‘crawdads’. Also, that’s NOT the correct method for shoosh-papping, Jake.

What is he even doing here? The question doesn't even occur to you. The island has been crawling with these things for as long as you can remember.

HMMM. So... LittleLonde is spouting troll slang, and Jake’s island has Alternian lususes (lusii?) all over it. HIC is pretty much fucking guaranteed to be Earth’s new First Guardian.

You glance at the crudely rendered battle, direct your browser to the HOMESTUCK BANDCAMP PAGE, and browse for suitable battle music. Oh god, there are so many songs. Which one would be a good fit for this duel? Wait, yes, there's one. That's perfect. You hit play, close your eyes, and become lost in visions of gnashing crustacean carapace, smoking M9 casings, and Jake doing that thing where he flies through the air shooting two guns at once. Yes, so awesome.

Ahahaha, totally a call back. I’m not clicking that link, though, because it looks like it goes to the Bandcamp’s main page.

You do the thing where you fly through the air shooting two guns at once. That thing isn't even that big of a deal for you. You do that thing practically every day on hellmurder island. Your furious salvo of deadly bullets scares the FRIGHTENING FAUNA off into the jungle, REALNESS ATTRIBUTE and all.

That, or it’s just running away from an even bigger monster, like in that stupid fucking scene from Episode I.

...OR IT’S RUNNING AWAY FROM TINKERBULL. :D :D :D

Another triumph for adventure. Time to blow the smoke off your berettas and saunter off into the... whoa not so fast! Behind you, Jake!!!

What’s it gonna do, make him sneeze with its tinkerdust??

AH HA. GOT YOU YOU SON OF A, SHIT, WAIT.

WHAT????

NO, OH NOOOO, GOD WHY WOULD YOU EVEN... FUCK!!!

D: D: D:

This is almost as bad as the FIRST time Tinkerbull got killed.

Oh nooo. It was only one of those sweet little fairy bulls. You just murdered him inappropriately with your multi-bullet device. You love those little fairy bulls. You feel just awful.

Well at least he’s appropriately upset about it. And it seems there’s more than one Tinkerbull-like lusus on the island?

OH SHIT BROBOT. Yeah, it’s stalking the shit out of him, isn’t it.

So we’ve got a silhouette, which, unsurprisingly, looks just like the halfway point between baby Bro and adult Bro. HOW IS THAT HAIR EVEN POSSIBLE.

So like... I’m looking at this and trying to figure out the geometry of how dat coif would actually work in 3d, and... yeah. I got nothin’.

> Jane: Implement plan of last resort.

A wild Jane appears! Maybe she’s got her own brobot or something that’s going to help her escape?

You have waited around long enough. Dad's legendary car wash won't last forever, and the day isn't getting any younger. You pack up poppop's book and bust out your trusty HOMING DEVICE.

Homing device for...?

Here goes nothing.

OH MY FUCKING GOD. IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS?????

WAIT, OH GOD, WHAT’S HAPPENING.

ILHGHKSDJKGHSKDHSKDD

*hurk*

IT’S NOT A SMUBBIT. IT’S A FUCKING SHITKICKING BITCH ASS BROBOT BUNNY. HE BUILT HER A BROBOT BUNNY.

...I debated ‘bronny’, but that’s too close to the Subculture Which Shall Not Be Named.

Anyway, it’s as cute as it is horrifying and I kind of love it. I mean, look at its eensy little sword!! Also, interesting that the blue of it and the brobot’s hat logo is a perfect inverse of Bro’s orange.

God he is such a little troublemaker. Hopefully he will mind his manners today.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, her face. <3 <3 <3

WHOA WHAT THE SHIT, Jake’s whole house is destroyed!! How did this happen???

Not only is the island forested now, but the volcano on Jade’s island that was dormant is now active, and there’s a fucking PYRALSPITE flying overhead. Also a whale lusus like the one Eridan killed, and... fucking... Those are a bunch of Aurthours, aren’t they.

I just... I don’t even.

Jake: Behold zoological splendor.

JESUS UDDERFUCKING CHRIST. Fuck, I’m having Humanimals flashbacks.

Looks like the centaur herd is out in full force today. You have to be careful about walking under them. There are extreme hazards involved, such as the threat of falling manure, or milk.

UGH UGH UGH, I just had one of those really unpleasant full body shivers.

HOLY SHIT. It just occurred to me that the frog temple has EIGHT PILLARS. Did it always? Did I just miss it way back in the day? If so, shame on me.

There are the ruins you'll be making your way toward once you've got the uranium.

Aha, so the transmaterializer is inside the temple!

Still need to locate that enigmatic brobot. He's out there, somewhere. Just watching. You can feel it. Can't let your guard down for a second, or you'll get served like a dude on butler island.

...Considering it’s populated by a herd of Aurthours, it basically IS butler island.

Aaaaah, it’s a whole flock of Tinkerbulls!

Uh oh. Something's coming up.

Wait, if the whale lusus is in the sky, then what’s this?

OH FUCK, IT’S GAMZEE’S CAPRICORN SEAGOAT.

AND IT IS NOT HAPPY.

Unfortunately, that’s where I’ve got to leave it for tonight! Not as long a post as I’d have liked it to be, but I ought to have time to finish up the stretch before my next audio reaction very soon. Looks like we’re switching back over to Jane next, which is fine, because as much as I want to see how this fight plays out, I’m curious as SHIT about the robunny.

Until next time! ^0^

[newagesispage]

                                                            MAY                      2020

PAGE  RIB

Check out the We are One Global film fest on youtube from May 29-June 7. We will be able to experience movies from Cannes, Sundance, Tribeca and Venice for free!! Yahoo!!

*****

May 10 will bring us The Feeding America comedy Fest. So far the stars on board are Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler, Tiffany Haddish, Chris Rock, Louie Anderson, JB Smoove, Brad Garrett, Jon Lovitz, Tim Meadows, Keegan-Michael Key, George Lopez and Sarah Silverman, just to mention a few.

*****

Jim Carrey will release his Memoirs and Misinformation on May 5.

*****

If you need honest medical info, take a look at Quackwatch: A guide to quackery, health fraud and intelligent decisions.

*****

Current times are a magnification of a problem that has been brewing for quite some time. The kiss ass, the indifferent, the greedy who don’t miss a trick are todays fortunate sons.** If half of this country didn’t want the other half to have a fighting chance we wouldn’t be in this situation right now. The Federal government should have all of our best interests at heart.  I will never understand why so many of the’ have not’ voters love supporting the’ haves ‘that love to fuck over the little guy.

*****

SAVE THE USPS!!

*****

I guess we know how this country would be prepared to react to bioterrorism.

*****

SNL is working from home like so many but with Tom Hanks, Brad Pitt, Fred Armisen, Paul Rudd, Miley and Sandler.

*****

George Gray, announcer for the Price is Right is recovering after a week of 3 heart attacks.

*****

Marijuana use is at an all -time high. Alcohol use is up 40%.

*****

What is up with Georgia Governor Brian Kemp who seemed so surprised at the virus months after everybody else seemed to know the facts? This is what happens if we only listen to Trump and Fox news.** He is so ready to open up the state early. ** A Georgia citizen said it best: Kemp mandates restaurants open, whether I reopen dining rooms or not. I file for business interruption insurance, it does not go through since I am “allowed” to operate full capacity. My landlord can demand all their money since I am allowed to fully operate. Furloughed staff that is collecting unemployment insurance have to come back to work or I have to let them go. Their unemployment insurance then goes on my tab. If things blow up again they are still on my tab, not on the state since they are no longer employed. This is about screwing the working class.** A dog has now been diagnosed with the virus as well as some cats.

*****

UFO footage has been declassified by the pentagon. Wow, anything to distract! ** This whole Scary Clown 45 mess often seems like a big government experiment. Just how much will we put up with? How stupid or complacent are we??

*****

The President’s council on reopening America has a message for our country: Die you fucking slaves. Die Die Die. We’re rich and you’re not and we’ll be even richer after the mass burials are over. Sucks to be you.

*****

The Federal government does not have absolute power. Why do “big government” haters suddenly want the Feds to run their lives??** Some checks were delayed because Trump wanted his name on them?** The Huffington Post has reported that $180,000 a year of Trump campaign money is given to his son’s significant others.

*****

The Carter’s have asked donors to the Carter Center to instead give those donations to local organizations in need.** A great charity is RIP medical debt which puts $100 to every dollar you donate to wipe out medical debt.

*****

Need some nature sounds in your life? Visit NPS.gov/sounds

*****

It looks like Macgruber may become an 8 episode series according to Will Forte.

*****

It is sort of reassuring to see that the late night hosts who mostly hover around my age, are no better at technology than I am.** BTW, Billy Eichner is such a great guest from home.. more please!** I see that one of the 8G band on Late Night has a big pic of Mick’s face behind him at home. I also see that same pic everyday above my desk. A kindred spirit.

*****

Linda McMahon, wife of WWE chair, announced the18.5 million Trump super PAC in Florida. Governor DeSantis now calls WWE essential. Many of the wrestlers were fired so the bottom line looks good.

*****

Being willfully stupid is not part of the Christian tradition.- John Meecham

*****

Some fast food workers went on strike. This is a good time to do it. Risking your lives for minimum wage is hardly worth it.

*****

Threadgill’s, the Austin bar that helped launch Janis Joplin is closing down.

*****

Is this true? 150 members of the Saudi royal family tested positive for covid-19.** Did Trump play down the virus because he owes millions to China’s state owned banks or was it to try to get dirt on Biden?

*****

I am not sure what has happened to the American workplace. So many strides were made in the mid 20th century but a lot of that seems to have fallen away. I see so many employers leaving it to employees to provide supplies before they even get the job. Teachers sometimes buy things for the classrooms. Some employees must buy their own cell phones for video conferences or even punching in and out. Some nursing home employees bring in their own cough drops or snacks for residents. How much $ do the people at the top need?? No sick pay? Work or starve!

*****

Everyone staying at home proves how badly we need a better high speed internet system in the U.S.

*****

Porn hub has been giving free porn.** The My Pillow guy is praising Trump as he donates 50,000 masks.

*****

All these Trump worshipping MAGA shills, they’re willing to die for the dumbest, flounciest fancy lad in history. –Patton Oswalt.

*****

So we don’t want to give Government help to immigrants who pay taxes, we do want to help cruise lines who avoid taxes by registering as foreign companies. Got it! ???

*****

The Neo confederate hate group, ‘league of the south’ is moving ahead with its annual conference in June.** Trump is getting ready to open the country with a coalition of his republican Governors and companies (some of whom seemed surprised). ** How did we get here? If our Pres is incapable of reading simple memos, he is incompetent. ** Scary Clown is trying to speed up the Wall as we are dropping like flies.

*****

This can’t be true. Federal agents are confiscating masks and supplies in hospitals, presumably for ICE agents??** Was Scary Clown 45 trying to force congress out of session so that he could skate some recess appointments by?** Rules have been weakened as to the release of mercury and various toxins from oil and coal power plants.** Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil do not seem to concerned about the virus.** Trump circled back around to the heat and light thing as a cure because he could not get over the shit he got for telling us that spring’s warm weather would take care of everything, right?

*****

Chicago businessman Gene Staples has purchased Indiana Beach amusement park and will open in July if he is able.

*****

Nascar will be back this month with new races but without the live audience.

*****

Catch Ashes to Ash: The disappearance of Robert Bee on Youtube.

*****

As everyone is sick with respiratory problems and the pollution has ebbed a bit, scary clown 45 has to roll back some of our rules that protect clean air. Auto emissions are rolled back to 1.5%.  He has to be loving the fact that we can’t all gather and protest. Hmmm?? Perhaps it is a conspiracy.. but his.** Oh but the disbelievers did gather in Michigan with dolls in nooses and confederate flags. Why do they think that the medical experts are telling them this for partisan reasons or just for their own kicks? They have our safety in mind. Use your fucking heads. How can this country get stupider as time goes on? ** Why can’t they just cover Covid treatment? Medical debt is gonna skyrocket.** I don’t like big government either but in times of crises and health care, we need it to work properly. ** But when the powers that be tell us that animals can’t get it and then a tiger gets it or that masks don’t protect you and then they suddenly do, it makes us all skeptical. Way to confuse us fuckers!!  Even with the ignorant and the panicked, just tell us the truth and the average person will be with ya!!** It was snowing in April? Where was this warmer weather that was going to kill the virus?

*****

You just knew that Trump and his cronies had money on the line when it came to hydroxychloroquine. ** Scary Clown 45 has removed the very man who was set to oversee the $ 2 trillion stimulus. The good ol boys can’t wait to get their hands on that money while people are dying. ** Trump delayed checks that are not direct deposit because he wants his name on them.** People had trouble getting thru when applying for unemployment. Canada gave out the benefits and then checked the details.** States and companies are very confused. Jared claims he is in charge, Pence is supposed to be in charge and FEMA claims they are the final word.  Trump seems to thrive on chaos. The states bidding, stocks up and down and Doctors disagreeing are right up his alley. He probably does hate being stuck at the WH.

*****

People will forgive you for not being the leader you should be, they will never forgive you for not being the leader you claim to be.

*****

Why should it be surprising that poor communities are being hit so hard? The poor, the minorities do so much of the cleaning, the cooking and delivering that still has to be done. When people are not sheltering in place because they are needed or they need that paycheck, of course they are getting infected since they are still out there. Add to that, little or no health care and poor diets from food deserts etc. and there you go.

*****

White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham is out after 9 months.  Kayleigh Mcenany is in.** Vaccine chief Rick Bright is reassigned. He recently wanted to put hydroxychloroquine to some rigorous tests. He has been vocal about the administration.

*****

Lights Out is leaving Comedy Central and looking for another place to air.

*****

Can’t wait to see Mrs. America about the women who shaped our past.

*****

I rarely pay attention to advertising but I love that Chantix turkey. I hate the fact that he had a smoking problem, though.

*****

Every prisoner in every prison, especially the non -violent and the elderly should be reviewed. There needs to be more room made for white collar crimes that hurt so many more of us.

*****

Word is that Kim Jung un is brain dead.

*****

Rumble media has released Planet of the Humans from Jeff Gibbs on Youtube . The film will run free for 30 days and sort of explodes the myth of our ‘green’ heroes.

*****

Common, Woody Harrelson and Shinola watch co. have created a cannabis leak motif watch and the proceeds will go to criminal justice reform.

*****

Navy Captain Crozier was fired for telling the truth and looking after his crew. ** The U.S.S. Comfort isn’t taking Covid patients??

*****

Good bye Schitt’s Creek. We sure will miss ya!!

*****

Franklin Graham was asking volunteers for his field hospital in NY to sign a ‘statement of faith.’  It stated that they, “believe in God’s plan for human sexuality within the context of marriage between a man and a woman and that those that stray from those beliefs face eternal damnation and eternal judgement in Hell.”**

*****

Jon Cryer has a new book out: So that happened.

We can see now what would happen if all the humans were dead. The mountain goats have come down the hill and taken over a town in Wales. The Pandas are finally mating in Hong Kong now that they have some privacy.

*****

Bernie is out after 4 long conversations with Obama and tells us that he will concentrate on the pandemic. Looks like we are stuck with Biden.  At least Biden is talking about lowering Medicare to 60. It’s not enough but at least it’s a start.** Who will the female VP pick be, Klobuchar, Witmer, Abrams??

*****

Netflix along with Steve Carell and Greg Daniel will bring us Space Force on May 29 with Lisa Kudrow and John Malkovich.

*****

In Sweden, all land is for public use. Imagine!!

*****

ICP cancelled their Juggalo fest.

*****

Perhaps home schooling will become more popular. Perhaps with the pollution dropping, humans will get the message that we have really fucked ourselves in this world. Less cars people!!** The Twitter CEO donated a billion. That made the other top $ people look like schmucks.

*****

Kleenex Cottonelle is donating a million rolls and a million bucks. Share A Square!!

*****

Fight Island??

*****

Tiger King.. who cares.. Crip Camp is the one to watch.  A Secret Love is also great. This is the world that we should build from the ashes of Covid-19.** Stop trying to get me to watch Tiger King. –Bill Maher

*****

We are in a recession.** I don’t understand when I see so many “devout”  people show no respect for religions other than their own.

*****

Tom Pelphrey on Ozark this season just blew me away!! He has to be the one to watch at the Emmy’s.

*****

On a personal note: Hey Aunt Ritski, I will never forget that you saved a couple of people from drowning when you were a lifeguard. I will never forget one of your favorite tales, that you wanted to be Miss Kitty when you were 5 years old and got a little drunk trying. I will never forget the times that you drove thru the ditches, your Cooter Brown stories or the way that you often left all the change on the bar when we were out.  How could anyone forget the weddings, the bullet you had to live with the rest of your life and the love you had for your siblings. We will miss you forever because all of the lives you touched would have been a whole lot different without you in it. What the fuck would we have talked about if not for the saga of you? I can think of nobody who would disagree with that. Your family loves you baby. Go in Peace and serenity.

 R.I.P. Adam Schlesinger, Ellis Marsalis Jr., Mort Drucker, Lorena Boreja, Janet Alexander,  Patricia Bosworth, Bucky Pizzarelli, Logan Wiliams, Maeve Williams, Wallace Roney, Joe Diffie, Andrew Jack, Alan Merrill, John Prine, Thomas L. Miller, tornado victims, Charlotte Figi, David Driscoll, Hal Willner, Patricia Bosworth, Ann Sullivan, Brooke Taylor, the Canadian shooting victims, Matt Seligman, Barney Ales, Bootsy Barnes, Bruce Meyers,Roger Beatty, the tornado victims, Tim Brooke- Taylor, Jorge Camara, Andrew J. Fenady, Brian Dennehy, Don Reed Herring, Henry Graff, Allen Daviou, Tom Lester,  Bill Withers and Rita Hale.