#my harry potter sideblog also has 2k drafts before i soft-abandoned it

[disabledcole]

okay seeing as tumblr is looking to be the Friend Place™ again i really need to get past my many neuroses abt tumblr so I Will Post This If It Kills Me

this is gonna be a weird infodump about my brain problems just to try and trick my brain into being normal so like. feel free to ignore this lmao

i have been on tumblr for a literal decade now and this is my third main account (i think its like 7 years old now?) and i literally use it every day i just have Problems abt reblogging rip. like im Sure this started w a social anxiety thing, im constantly stressed about people Judging me for my blogs not being Perfect, like everything has to be perfectly tagged, post order Really matters like i cant have the same fandom twice in a row and there has to be a good variety of text to picture to art posts etc and its so STRESSFUL

i only managed to escape this on twitter by having a locked account and even then i stopped tweeting regularly for a few years

and then its like. i have a System of blogs and how i post and it goes- like post > sort through likes and put posts into different blogs drafts > unlike post (so i can keep track of what part of the process each post is on) > in drafts add appropriate tags to post > queue posts in appropriate order

and like! thats a whole deal! and THEN i had to go and fucking add a competionist element where i have all these sideblogs for various fandoms and i feel like i have to reblog All the posts for those fandosm (which is fucking stupid) but especially if i find a fanartist i like i have to reblog All of their art! but not all once in a row bc theyll judge me! so they sit in my likes/drafts until i build myself up to sorting it out for a while and manage to queue a whole load of posts at once in bursts til i get overwhelmed again

and a few months ago i had a meltdown bc i got so overwhelmed by my tumblr bullshit brain things and mum pointed out id gotten obsessive about doing everything Perfectly and it Wasnt Good for me (which seems like it should be obvious but hey) so i decided to take a break. but i still scroll tumblr everyday so ive still been doing the first step in my process which is to add the post to my likes so theyve been building up and up and i havent reblogged anything in months and [starts crying]

so yeah my autism has really fucked me over here. ive really shot myself in the foot. bc all of this is so fucking stupid and i know it and arghgh!!