#my head hurts i hate this world why couldnt i resist why did i have to be vulnerable id be better off if. well i dont know

[strwbrymlkshake]

ohh I do want to pass away why am I so stupid

[jarvis-cockhead]

i came out as trans last night to my mum thinking itd go a lot better than it did, i love her and she loves me and she cares about me immensely and im not upset with her but i no longer know how long it will be before i can live the life i want to live. 'i cant even cut my hair' i keep thinking. i wanted to cut my hair. haircuts are always scary for me and i wanted her to help me. she doesnt want me to do anything until ive had professional help. she doesnt want me to do anything permanent, full stop. she told me she doesnt see how it would help me and i know that she just doesnt really believe me. i knew she has concerns about the rise in trans people but i also knew shes not transphobic and i guess i thought maybe for her own child itd be different. i have no idea where shes got her information from because she currently believes that from what shes read there is no evidence of transitioning making people happier, which of course isnt true, a simple google search will show you papers and studies that say otherwise. she doesnt want me to cut my hair. i was always scared of my dads reaction because while hes also not generally transphobic, i knew hed be resistant and would find it difficult to come to terms with but after her reaction im completely terrified. my dad and i are very close, we run on the same unique frequency, and if something were to change that i dont know what ill do. i cant lose that. we arent telling him yet. he is the only thing in the entire world that makes me want to do nothing, because i cant lose him. i cant cut my hair on my own for fear of raising questions before he knows. i cant do it. i told my mum i love her for the first time in i dont know how many years. i cried until my head hurt. at some point when i was about 14/15 i remember telling her i hated my name and she told me i could change it if thats what i wanted. last night she told me she doesnt know if she could use different pronouns or a different name for me- not for a long while, anyway. i couldnt tell her my name. on top of all of this, she has a very understandable reason for why she also cant prioritise this situation, in relation to stress and her health, and i am not upset with her. the last thing i want to do is make her more ill. we're going to talk to her friend together who is very good at talking through issues. i have no idea when this will happen, im away at university most of my time now. for weeks and weeks and weeks when ive come home ive wanted to say something and now i almost wish i hadnt. i cant come home and be me. i cant come home and be me.

[theharellan]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: stolen from @dansiere tagging: @ghiassan, @deathsreflection, @altuspavus, @windrunnerrs (velanna), @hopewrought, @willbeshot, @seahaloed (iron bull), @asterfed​ (noctis), @ anyone who wants to steal it! also multis feel free to choose a different character

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated (i’m open to roleplaying with non-dragon age characters, and have AUs for other fandoms)

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. solas is both wildly popular and wildly hated. he’s been more consistently popular than the controversial women in the series, like sera or vivienne, who have only recently begun to get to the point where their tags are less vitriolic (although i’m sure it’s still out there), but there’s still a sizable hatedom that can’t have his name breathed in their vicinity w/o them talking abt how much they hate him. even if you’re currently cosplaying him!

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. again, you have ppl who are super into him and ppl who think he’s ugly. my personal opinion is that i think he’s weirdly pretty, and wish ppl would commit more to his unconventional features rather than try to chisel him into sb more traditionally attractive and that ppl who don’t find him attractive would maybe chill w/ calling him ugly. find him unattractive by all means, but lets embrace the fact that inquisition let their love interests have skin flaws etc and accept that some won’t be our cups of tea.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. its hard to deny at this point tbh.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. frustrating as the hate in the tags he has enough fans that i couldnt say he’s underrated w/ a straight face.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO. he’s the reason the game starts with a bang and not the inevitable dissolution of the conclave b/c the sides are disparate.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. regardless of solas’ relationship with the inquisitor, there are parallels and contrasts in their stories and he also is the reason they survive inquisition.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. fen’harel is well-known and revered, if feared, among the dalish, yet at the same time he’s not remembered for a lot besides locking the gods away-- and the context of that decision has also been lost. as solas he’s relatively unknown until inquisition and especially trespasser.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. again, polarising!! he has loyal agents and people are willing to speak well of him despite everything, including his enemies sometimes (depending mostly on the inquisitor). 

How strictly do you follow canon?  — generally i try to have a canon basis for my interpretation, even if i interpret the text differently than the author.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  solas is an immortal who is simultaneously jaded and very much invested in the small moments of life. far from being weary of the day-to-day lives of ordinary people, it is systems and orders he is most tired of. he walks an interesting line that feels far less misanthropic than other immortal characters i’ve experienced, yet still he’s quite cynical. as a character who has fought against religious based tyranny before, but in a completely different era, he is in a unique position where what he sees around him is both horrifyingly familiar and yet completely new. it allows an exploration of the wrongs of thedas’ society from an outsider’s perspective. his motivations are complex and multifaceted, often condemnable and yet also understandable. his character arc in inquisition (if befriended, or regardless in the case of my solas) takes him from a dispassionate, disconnected antagonist to someone deeply invested in the people of thedas, deeply conflicted and actively hoping he will be proven wrong again. i think his story is a testament to human (or elven, or dwarven, or-) connection and how even when we resist we can’t resist creating bonds with the people in our lives. i personally see this bond going beyond the inquisitor hence why i play low-approval solas as conflicted as high-approval, if not when it comes to the inquisitor.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  solas is selfish and motivated solely by revenge, he’s clinging to a past that clearly no longer exists, if you ignore all the people from it who are still alive. he’s totally unaware of all his flaws and never owns up to any mistakes ever. no, i haven’t listened to a single word solas has said in my life why do you ask. he’s also critical of my faves which means he’s #cancelled, there is clearly no validity to what he’s saying. ksjdf no but in all seriousness i think a lot of reasons ppl don’t find solas interesting are just... weird readings of his character that sometimes have no basis in the text of inquisition, but also there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to not find him interesting. usually those ppl don’t like... talk abt how much they don’t find him interesting constantly tho. they just chill and aren’t invested in this particular villain. for one thing i think the game missed out on opportunities for exploring how someone who may not have even had a body at the beginning of his existence would feel about gender and sexuality, so making him presumably straight and cis was a boring choice. i also think that the dragon age games being very protagonist-centric hurts solas’ character, there’s no real reason why the inquisitor is the only one who can throw his plans into question but making the player the center of the universe means he’s not allowed to change due to the effects of other companions or NPCs. thank god this is rp and i do what i want.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  i have a history degree so when the inquisition companions were being teased, solas describing bias in primary sources from the memories he’s seen got me interested in him. but my first playthrough i didn’t actually take him with me all too often, i think my main party was dorian-blackwall-varric. i liked him, and i think he or dorian were my first friends in skyhold, but my initial interest was in other characters. between his dialogue that appealed to the historian in me tho and how his spirit opinions sort of turned everything i’d felt about spirits in the last two games on its head, i started vibing with him more the farther i went in. like merrill set me up for the “spirits are people” thing and solas hit it out of the park. then temple of mythal happened, and i did bring solas with me there. i found his dialogue fascinating and also suspicious, i’d just finished masked empire like the day before da:i came out so i definitely thought solas was an ancient elf in the same vein as felassan. it was after temple of mythal that i actually decided to make his blog, although like as one idk linchpin to cement my status as solas trash... i was hit BAD by the banter bug on my first playthrough, probably got like a dozen banters total. but then at some point late in the game i took solas to the forbidden oasis and he wouldn’t stop talking to people, and i really loved his banter with the rest of my party at the time.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  replaying inquisition, new DA content when the bioware gods deign to grant us a lifeline, but the biggest thing is my rp partners. i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the people i write with, new and old. my activity of late hasn’t been the best, work and the summer heat has really been sapping me of energy, and does even during years when we aren’t going through a pandemic. but it’s the thought of my rp partners and love of solas that keeps me coming back.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? i have my doubts sometimes, but i think i do ok.

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF? there is no headcanon too small for me.

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO. but not lately * gestures to the low activity * i’ve been in this cycle where i get anxious abt late replies, so prioritise them, then burn myself out and can’t write the fics i want. i’ve had two i’ve been DYING to write tho i just... need to find the space in my brain to let myself.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO. i mean it depends on the day. if i work closing shifts at my store it gets very quiet and boring around 8:30 so i spent the next 90 minutes thinking about character stuff.

Are you confident in your portrayal?  YES / NO / SORT OF? 

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. 

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO / SORTA.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  i’m going to say ‘no’ because like, i don’t ask for criticism. this is a hobby based on my interpretation of a character, if you think i write solas too soft then you’re welcome to think that, but i’m happy with the balance i’ve struck with his internal versus external behaviour and how he changes based upon who he’s speaking to. if you think i’m erasing straight people by making solas pan then ksjdfs. ok.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  yes!!! even if they retread ground already trodden, a) my interpretation may have adjusted since the last time i played or b) a reminder is nice. if it’s new stuff then it’s fun to think about.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  it’d depend on why they disagree. if they just disagree on a subjective opinion about what i took from a certain line, then they’re welcome to their opinion but i don’t necessarily care to hear it. if it is unintentionally hurtful then i would like to know. although rather than a comment i’d rather a non-anonymous message.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  same as the above.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  if they’re vocal about it i typically just unfollow / softblock if i was following in the first place. people can feel how they want about solas, but i’ve found over the years that if people really hate solas ooc it can often bleed into their ic interactions. it’s really weird seeing your character being brought up repeatedly in threads with others specifically to dunk on, for no reason other than i guess solas is living rent free in their heads, so at least we have that in common. but anyway unfollowing is just the best choice to avoid getting kinda pressed if i’m having a bad day.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  roleplay is the wild west of writing, so i think it’d depend on what the error was. coming at me like “you shouldn’t start a sentence with a preposition” would get a laugh, but i don’t edit my replies much if at all and mistakes will 100% happen. pointing out typos is chill so long as you do it politely.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  it depends! i’ve learned that being too easy going actually just means i’m subjecting myself to negative emotions to please people. so i’ve gotten less easy going as the years go by. how does one define “easy going” anyway? does asking that question mean i am objectively not easy going? the longer this thought goes on the more the answer seems to be “probably not,” but i like to think it could be a lot worse.

[misskittybutler-blog]

Long standing crush confessions

Crush...

2016 It's awful having a crush on someone. It really is. Take pity on those who are in love... Don't envy us... it hurts to crush... that's why it is called a crush - because that is exactly what it does. It crushes you. Every day.

When you open your eyes in the morning and the first thing you think of is their beautiful smile - you are crushed when you remember that you can't just turn over and find them there beside you...

When you find something cute online - a picture or a song and you download it with them in mind... Then you remember that you cannot send it to them because you've already texted them too much this week...

Then you are crushed. You swallow down would-be interactions because you're terified they'll catch on to your feelings and start to pull away... Or worse still 'talk tobyou about it'... That thought crushes you still further.

You imagen perhaps if you say just the right words, or if the two of you were forced into just the right situation... at the right proximity... or perhaps if you flick your hair just right that somhow they will magically start to feel the same way for you... You remember that it's never worked, and you always look your best around them... and it's never worked and you are crushed again. No matter how cute you are... they just dont like you that way. You're not enough and crushed again.

Every day this missing lover hurts your pride by not calling, not texting... it's easy for them to go a long time without you ever crossing their minds. For you it's an achievement to go a whole week without sending them anything... They don't know how many times they crush you... You cannot even be mad with them... the pain of missing them starts to become your friend because it never leaves you. Your devotion becomes your tormentor.

After a long day of living your life in all the technicolour you can muster you lie in bed and still they are there... In your mind, in your heart and beating in your veins as you imagine their lips again... After an exhausting day of pushing those thought away you indulge - you are tired and your defenses are down. You think about your desire and imagine some senario wherein this beautiful creature would look at you - YOU - with playfulness in their eyes. Your heart beats lava and you bite your lip too hard. You are taken by your passion, helpless, and imagine the taste of theirs...

Afterwards the bed is only luke warm and you remember that you shouldn't indulge these fantasies... You have to stop provoking your emotions like this! Pull yourself together this is getting out of hand. You crush yourself with lectures you've agreed with a million times. "It can never be. I am being foolish. It would ruin everything."

You sleep to escape the truth that you want what you cannot have. You sleep to hide from the fact that you feel like you are doing this to yourself and therefore deserve no sympathy or peace.

You meet your love in your dreams and all those shards of you melt in the warmth of their easy gaze... You relax and smile and awake with their smile on your mind... but you cannot roll over and find them there...

Do not envy those who are in love.

Pity us poor wretches who can only tell strangers on tumblr about this debilitating pain - and who must bite our tounges andbdig our finger nails into the palms of our hands as we are crushed each hour of each day.

Pity us who read too much into each interaction...

Pity us who have reliquished any hope of satisfaction.

Pity us who can never say any of these things aloud.

I've been in love with someone I can never ever have for more than a year. Worst part is I think they know, they just don't care.

~~~~~~~

2017: it's the 31st of December and I saw him today for the first time in weeks. I was really proud of the progress I'd made. I'd deleted all his messages, changed his name to his formal title on my phone and refused myself any contact with him. I promised myself that when I saw him again I'd keep a distance, no more hugs or kisses - space - healthy space.

He came straight up to me, bold as the sun and wrapped me so tight in his arms. I melted. and he smelt so good, so familiar and safe. He kissed the top of my head... like a child, a daughter or a sister, as a platonic little thing...

then he was off again smiling and laughing with everyone else. My heart beating lava again and my arms feeling violently empty from his sudden departure. All my work seemingly for nought. He makes me feel vulnerable and I don't know how to counteract it....

I've been working on getting over him and in a split second I am back where I was... Childish girl! Simple stupid creature. utter idiot.... dreamer.... fool.

My new years wish, prayer, resolution, decision, and hope is to be able to forget him. I hate my wicked heart. I never knew it was wicked before now. Before now I thought it would always lead me true. I guess I was wrong.

I send my unwanted love tonight, to those like me who get love from all but the one they want. Happy New Year you melencholy lovers.

I came home and cried. I've cried over him too many times. I promised I never would cry over him again. When I am alone I am so brave, so courageous and so true... when I see him... well... when I see him standing before me in the flesh.... I melt, as I hold my back straight and formal, and pretend I havn't missed him. Pretend that I didnt notice the very second that he came into view. Pretend, pretend, pretend - pretend that it's not difficult to look straight at him, for how long really can one gaze directly at the sun?

I'm going into my second year of unrequited love. it hurts and takes all my strength from me. Lord God above, I know that my pain is nothing at all to compare with the sufferings in this world... I know it is a sin to curse love... I know that I should not lament anything at all but just rejoice... My voice is sad tonight as I call out to you - I have prayed all year for you please to untie this curse in my heart that I love sombody I cannot have.

I've cried and begged you not to let me ever fall in love again. I cry still. I beg still. I cling to you and hope that there will come a morning when I open my eyes and he is not my first thought - I pray for a night when I can resist the fantasy of a kiss....

I pray humbly, please, if you have the inclination to free me from this torment, My Lord, please do so with hast... And if you cannot stop my wicked heart from loving, then let it love better..... Please, I beg you. I hear the fireworks of new year going off in the city, but my heart is bruised and tired tonight. Please forgive me please comfort me please heal me please free me from the thoughts of this man you created. Amen

~~~~~~~~~ So it's April of 2019, I've been in love with somone who doesnt see me that way for waaaay too long. I keep rebelling against my feelings but nothing realy works. I am utterly lost to love... I can admit now that I truly cannot help what I feel for him. What a fool. I spent this most recent Valentines day trying not to feel sad. I swore to myself I wouldnt cry, which of course I did end up doing. Very quietly and not for too long. But I sobbed intensley for a few moments before I pulled myself back together. I've gotten much more used to going and doing things alone. I've had some people come into my life over the past 3 years who've wanted to be my lover. I have refused them because I cannot shake this feeling I have for him... I kissed someone else to make me forget him, but I was an awful person, as I kissed this other person, my mind was imagining him... I can't do that to sombody... Just use their body to fantasize over the person I really want... no... it would hurt terribly if sombody did that to me, I won't do that to sombody else. I've tried and tried, but there are still small things he does that mesmerise me and make me feel warm and happy inside... The thought of his face makes me feel calm when I am afraid. The thought of him gives me courage for my challenges. I'm greatful to know that person like him even exsists... I know that one day, if I am lucky, I will feel the same way again for someone else. Someone who is willing to reach out and take my hand... I'm so tired of aching for someone who will never willingly reach out to me first. Never text first. Never call first. If I am blessed with romantic love, I will find someone who actually wants to be around me more often than only in formal settings... I would like to feel that again... from the person I am in love with especially... To be desired in return... It hurts so badly to feel so much raw powerful lustful beloved energy for sombody who doesnt want any of it. You keep it all in to be respectful and decent. I'm SA English so we're all basically forced to be very polite from birth... I could never be blunt or forward about it, I have given him a million chances to linger with me, and he always runs away. I wish I could make him stay... I wish he would hold my hand... I wish I could sit with him during a beautiful sunset and then watch the fireworks together... I wish it wasn't true that I am in this condition... updating a 3 year old post before falling asleep alone.

April 2019 update: Last night while I was on my dialysis treatment I lay under the blankets and wept uncontrollably, very quietly the tears just flowed from my heartbreak and rejection. I cried so bitterly that my blood pressure went up to 200/123 and needed meds to help bring it down again. I couldnt stop it, much as I tried. Call me pathetic, I dont care, I've called myself that too but it hasnt changed anything about how terrible I feel. I am wasting my life waiting for someone to love me in a way that he never will... I've spent too long thinking that maybe if I improved myself and my status that he would notice me, but I see now that no matter how many things I achieve, or how many things I do, or how attractive I make myself, he simply doesnt want to know. My normal relationships have been with lovers who mutually wanted me back and loved me too. I dont have a track record of falling for "safe" unattainable people... This is an anomaly in my life, not a pattern... I hate myself for this terrible longing. I literally dispise myself for these painful feelings. When I dream of him these last few months I always see him with his back to me or in a big crowd of others and I am outside of it looking in. I wish I could just take the hint. I imagin myself seeing him in that situation, the one I see in my dreams, that he is busy with others; chatting and laughing. I see myself taking a last look at his beautiful face before turning away and looking out at a vast expanse. There is a whole world for me to explore and go get lost in. I think about seeking him out to say goodbye, but how do you say goodbye to someone who doesnt even say hello? So I just turn and go. the world is very big, and very beautiful. I see myself looking out at vast mountain scapes and far away horizons of smoky cliffs. With my hands deep in my jacket pockets and a traveling bag over my shoulder I glace back one last time to see his back to me in a crowd, I'm sure he won't notice I'm gone for a long time... When he does it will probably be a relief as I'm sure seeing my desire for him only makes him uncomfortable because it is no what he also wants. Of course I wish that he would notice, of course I wish that he would stop me, I wish many things, which is exactly why I need to get away and stay away... I see myself walking away, still every now and then looking back to see them all get smaller and smaller, until I cannot see any of them any more. I keep walking, until all I know is that they are all "back there" somewhere, and eventually losing track of exactly how to get back there anyway. I see myself at the base of a series of highly stacked moutains, looking up the towering colossia dissapearing into curles if dense vapours, and ancient lush growth that fleeces the jagged rocks. The gravel is cold beneath my shoes and my walking stick is strong and stable. I watch myself disapear into the high rocks and meandering roads that cut up into the network of spider thread pathways that lead to the isolation I seek. I will find a new life. I will reclaim my heart eventually. One day I will even forget his name. One day I will be as indifferent to his exsistance as he is to mine. One day I will be free again and regain my self respect... One day I will be able to acknowledge how much this pain has taught me, amd I shall see how this suffering has hepped me to grow. But before I have the strenth for any of this, these terrible burns across my heart must heal and be left untouched for a long time so that the senstive wound can cool off and become the new shell of protection I so desperatly need. maybe one day I will even come back down out of the isolated mountains - a different creature coming out than the one who went in. Or maybe I never will come out again, amd I will just keep climbing. Upon reaching the summit I shall lay hold onto the very clouds themselves and climb still higher and disappear from this place completly. Reaching the dark void of space I will find the solace I need. Swimming through the black depths I will climb up into the molten heart of the Sun, carrying this unrequited love in my heart, so I can give back this curse to God, that it and I can be destroyed in that bright furance at last. The power of Sun can swallow this nuclear reactor in my chest and it can burn its last.

[iwaoiyoonminphan]

JJP Fic Rec

hi! i love jaebum, jinyoung, and most importantly jjp so here’s a fic rec for the ship of the life 

this is hardly a fraction of the quality jjp on ao3, but these are honestly my favourites and the ones i recommend the most! enjoy and join me in jjp hell

sfw (no smut)

1. (why dont you) speak it out loud  by sevencm 

complete/ post college au/ fluff/ 9k

“Imagine that A and B are dating, but person B doesn't voice their feelings much. One day person B is cursed/drinks a truth serum and has to say everything they think about out loud. Person B starts saying 'I love you' and other super cheesy shit to person A every five minutes. Person A enjoys it very much.” 

thoughts: actually the cutest fic to ever exist! the characterization in this fic is so good and i reread it all the time^^

2. Falsettos, Stains, and Drama   by jaenly 

complete/ high school au/ fluff/ 9k 

“It all starts when Jinyoung becomes Juliet Capulet.”

thoughts: ok so like jjp are both in drama club and they end up as romeo and Juliet. actually the cutest ever jaebum was so shy n bashful ///////// n jinyoung was dense as fuck, the ending made me smile so much!    

3. look at me for a sec (don’t be too awkward) by turbrolence(shortiest) 

complete/ hogwarts au/ fluff/ 10k 

“in which a bludger shatters jinyoung's shoulder and jaebum ends up volunteering to feed him breakfast.“

thoughts: so cute!!!!!!!!!! jinyoung is dense as a brick and i loved his interactions with the side characters too, jaebum was s o chivalrous but also dorky and SO ENDEARING this fic makes me want to spontaneously combust honestly 

4. Of douchebags and pretty boys  by schoetheisrealaf 

complete/ asshole au sorta/ fluff and humour/ 7k 

“’Dear Dog Biscuit, Since you seem unable to understand the sign that clearly indicates that this parking space is to be exclusively used by the staff of this facility, I’ll kindly explain it to you again: Until you’re an employee of the state who works his ass off for society only to get shit wages and the worst working hours you CAN’T USE THIS PARKING LOT, SO FUCK OFF! Apart from that, have a nice day. PS.: I hope you don’t have sex for a year. :)’

OR

You steal my parking spot all the time and I was just heading out to leave a strongly worded note under your windshield wiper but oh no you're hot AU Starring Jinyoung the kindergarten teacher and Jaebum the (arrogant yet dorky) business man“ 

thoughts: ok ok so this is so funny n also soft? jinyoung and kids makes me really happy and why is jaebum like this??? hilarious and also so cute rereading this is always fun! 

 5. opportunity cost  by symmetrophic 

 complete/ corporate au/ fluff and humour/ 4k 

“kim yugyeom, 25, is PA to park jinyoung, 29, feared ceo of park powers (this sounds marginally less ridiculous in korean). a lot more intellectually insulting and ghei than it sounds.”

thoughts: this fic is kind of yugyeom centric but its so funny and cute i just couldnt resist ukno!! jinyoung depends on yugyeom so much its cute and also jinyoung screaming over jaebum? the BEST 

6. Always By My Side by bb_bambam 

complete/ soulmates au/ fluff and angst/ 21k 

“Soulmates!AU where after you meet your soulmate, you experience physical pain when you’re apart for more than 12 hours until you both acknowledge that you’re soulmates.Essentially, it takes Jinyoung and Jaebum way longer than it should have to figure out that they’re soulmates.“

thoughts: the softest soulmate au ever! i especially loved how it was set in canonverse bc the emotions were so real n pure! the au setting was very clear and jaebum made me ssso sad 

7. Your Smile Is Sweeter Than (Hot) Chocolate  by bb_bambam 

complete/ coffee shop au/ fluff/ 12k 

“Jaebum brings Youngjae to a coffee shop for some hot chocolate, and they end up getting Jinyoung instead.Basically, the jjp coffeeshop/kidfic mashup au no one asked for.“ 

thoughts: another one from the goddess herself! jinyoung is the best barista and single dad jaebum is so sweet n whipped i loved it so much its just tooth rotting fluff tbh and kid! youngjae im really about to SCRE AM 

8. Topaz by setaxis 

complete/ idol verse/ angst/ 6k 

“Mark loves much the way he does everything else, quietly, unthinkingly. He doesn't know when he fell in love with Jackson. He doesn't think it matters much.

xxx

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.” 

thoughts: ok this is the only main markson side jjp but i included it in this list bc jjp is pretty important here too and the angst hurts so much jaebum is so stupid and jinyoung hurts prepare to cry 

nsfw (w/ smut)

1. Disappear Here by foxxing(gayfantasticfour) 

complete/ detective au/ angst and mystery/ 70k 

“Homicide detective Im Jaebum's career has been steady and his personal life mostly uneventful, until the morning officer Choi Youngjae wakes him up at 3am and he finds out his childhood best friend and ex-partner has been murdered. He takes the case only to watch everything he's ever known slip through his fingers like sand and to finally figure out that sometimes life is all about finding forgiveness.” 

thoughts: this one was an emotional roller coaster! the plot was really intriguing and i cried so hard at the end. the writing was amazing too, as expected of the queen of jjp fanfiction 

2. read you like a magazine by dollyeo 

complete/ college au/ enemies to friends to lovers (!!)/ 42k 

“Ever since Jaebum passed auditions and he didn't, Jinyoung's been hell-bent on hating the guy. Now that they're in uni together, it's like destiny is screwing up all of his plans.”

thoughts: theres no actual smut in this but theres other nsfw-ish content so read at your own risk! this fic has the perfect amount of angst and fluff and ENEMIES TO FRIENDS TO LOVERS AAAAAAA jinyoungs character development was super fascinating n jaebum was so whipped in this i love him 

3. Citation by KingJackson 

complete/ college au/ enemies to lovers/ 115k 

“When the one book he needs for an important term paper has to remain in the campus library, Jinyoung catches the eye of Jaebum, a library assistant.”

thoughts: a fandom classic honestly! jinyoung is such a bitch but soft perfect jaebum loves him anyway its so angsty but also the best gghhhhhh check out the sequel renewal its also SO GOOD 

4. A Certain Romance by foxxing(gayfantasticfour) 

complete/ escort au?/ fluff/ 17k 

“By day, he's a top-rated babysitter. By weekends he's an x-rated escort. These things are generally kept separate, until the day his weekend regular gets his phone number by recommendation and calls for an emergency babysitter. The problem is that Jaebum doesn't know that Junior the escort is also Jinyoung the babysitter.In which Jaebum and Jinyoung know each other in the biblical sense but maybe want to get to know each other, too.“ 

thoughts: also by the queen! jinyoung with kids is the bane of my existence tbh and kid! yugyeom gives me so much feelings bOI jaebum is kind of awkward in this but jinyoung still likes him hehehe i loved this SO MUCH 

5. Compass Calling by sugarbowl 

ongoing/ pirate au/ action and angst and fluff/ 65k rn 

“Prince Jinyoung is destined for a lifetime of luxury, until he's shoved in a trunk and accidentally abducted. Im Jaebum clawed his way out of poverty to captain a pirate ship and... not much else, actually. Jinyoung could be his first real treasure, if Jaebum could just figure out how holding someone for ransom actually works.“

thoughts: cant believe this is the only fic on this list by god (actually just read sugarbowl’s entire ao3) this fic is so beautiful jaebum is kind of dorky and also really cool this fic had me at the edge of my seat all the time AMAZING 

6. The Tiger & The Duke by foxxing(gayfantasticfour) 

ongoing/ sugar daddy au/ angst/ 160k rn 

“Im Jaebum is the richest man in the country under forty, content to mess around and skirt the headlines as a cutthroat businessman and casual playboy. Park Jinyoung is a graduated English Literature major, content with (in Jackson's words) his boring life working at a restaurant and writing poetry. When their worlds collide over a spilled cup of coffee, Jinyoung learns there's a lot more to life than the secrets of his past and the safety of library books.“

thoughts: another one... but this is so good ok at first i was kinda wary bc the ten year age gap but its not very important in the plot and nothing illegal happens lol jinyoung makes me want to PROTECT and jaebum is trying his best ok hes sO anyway its good and ill cry when it ends 

7. muses by comingbackhometoyou

complete/ star trek au/ enemies to lovers/ 120k

“Your dad gave his life for-”

“Yeah, yeah I know,” Jaebum interrupts, voice ringing through the empty bar. “My dad gave his life for Starfleet and died with honors. I’ve heard this story a thousand times before. No offense, but why should it matter to me? Why are you here telling me what I’ve known since I was five years old?”

Jaebum has been running for 16 years when his past finally catches up with him.”

thoughts: this one doesnt have much smut i think just ALMOST smut but anyway i dont even like star trek but this made me so sad jjp love each other so much its beautiful and i love jinyoungs no-nonsense character its so funny and also heart wrenching i dont know this fic just hurts me its wonderful 

i hope you liked my recommendations and enjoyed the fics as much as i did! the jjp fandom is honestly blessed by so many good writers so i hope you find more good work in the tags!! 

[bangzchan]

au where isak is moving out and even’s the guy who helps with that/taking his stuff to his new place and while theyre outside packing into the car, isak hears a familiar voice greet him and he freezes and turns around and its julian, his ex, holding another boy’s hand and isak screams inside but puts on a smile “hey julian. what are you doing here?” and julian looks at his boyfriend, “we’re on a house hunt. moving in together” and isak clenches his jaw bc fuck that, THEY were supposed to do that months ago before they broke up. then he looks back at isak “and you? moving out?” and isak panics and doesnt think twice about what he’s saying, “yeah actually im moving out to move in with my boyfriend” and he wishes he could take it back or just run but he stands still and julians like “boyfriend?” and isak wants to wipe that smirk off his face, “where is he then?” and then isak hears the car door close and then even is walking towards them with a smile, work finished, and isak just. “here.” and even stands next to isak and is looking between him and julian, “hm?” and isaks like “this is even, my boyfriend. im moving in with him” 

and he’s SO glad he remembered his name when he introduced himself that morning and even, without any hesitation, holds out a hand for julian to shake, “nice to meet you, uh sorry, who are you again?” and julian clenches his jaw, “julian. his ex.” and even smirks, “oh! didnt hear that much about you” and puts an arm around isaks waist and okay wow. he’s really thankful for even but also his hand holding his side feels weirdly good. and then julian’s boyfriend introduces himself too and then theyre just looking at each other until julians like, “how long have you been together” and isak and even a different length at the same time and fuck, isaks not convincing enough (and he shouldnt be, why is he trying) “we dont really care about that. we just enjoy each other” and julian hums, “we should have a double date” and even’s thumb presses deep into his skin, but isak is too quick to reply with a “yeah, totally” and he hates himself and julians boyfriend is furrowing his eyebrows but they leave with afterwards with “see you on friday then. i’ll text you the place” and then when theyre alone, even is looking at isak, “not sure i can do friday” and isak shakes his head, “no,of course, i’ll just make up an excuse. sorry for dragging you into this”.

and then on thursday morning isak gets a call and its from even, “so i got tomorrow off and..i could go to that date with you?” and isak has been pacing in his new flat for hours and he’s so thankful but tries to be chill, “i mean if its not trouble” and even laughs, “should be fun, honey!” and isak groans, “dont call me honey” and evens like “okay then, can i call you ..hm..baby?” and shit ,that sounds really good coming from his mouth. so isak nods, then realizes even cant see him so he chokes out a “that will do”.

and come friday, the four of them sit in a restaurant, silently and awkwardly waiting for their food and then isak and julian start talking about an old thing and even grabs isaks thigh under the table and isak faces him and even leans in to whisper in his ear, “if you want to get over him dont talk to him like youre still together. now act like i said something sexy” and isak is flustered and a shiver makes its way through his whole body as evens lips brush isaks earlobe and he doesnt have to act. even turns back to the other two, “sorry i couldnt resist. he looks so hot in this buttonup” and julian squints his eyes with a forced smile. 

then later when even is walking isak home (”its okay, i have time”) they are laughing about the whole date, even making fun of julians jealousity and isak is over him (or he likes to think so. he’s really not, though) and then theyre standing in front of isaks flat and evens like “is this where i kiss you?” and isaks eyes widen and even chuckles, “im just kidding” and isak wishes he wasnt. even walks away with a “thanks for tonight, baby” and laughs and isak spends the night trying to fight the grin spreading across his face

a week later then when isak has almost forgot about all this, he’s walking down the stairs and runs into julian and theyre both taken aback and isaks like “why..are you here?” and julian chuckles, making isaks heart ache, “we rented the flat on the second floor..didnt know you live here?” and isak swears in his head but smiles, “what a small world!” and then excuses himself and almost runs out the building, texting even, “hey sorry for bothering but im in trouble if you know what i mean” and even texts him back like 10 questions marks and a “did you kill someone??”and isak laughs out loud, getting looks from strangers on the street then tells him what happened. and they meet up later that day at a café and before isak could take a sip of his coffee, even talks “so you want me to continue be your fake boyfriend?” and put it that way, it sounds silly and childish but isak nods, hiding his face behind his cup. and even sits back in his chair, “do i have to live with you or?” and isaks like “you could come over only a few days a week? or something..” and even seems to think about it long then laughs, “why the hell not. im looking for a place anyway”

so he comes over a few times, but that turns into 5 days a week when julian comes over on a wednesday and friday and even’s not there both times, and then sometimes he spends the whole week (totally only because julian could knock on the door any time and isak isnt strong enough to be alone for that) but they sometimes (most of the time) forget about the reason even’s staying. they become really good friends and its surprising but in a good way and isak really likes even, and he finds himself not thinking about julian that often but when isak comes home one day to even cooking in only his sweatpants with the radio on, he realizes why he hasnt been thinking about julian that much. because he’s been thinking about even instead and he tries to shake that off and act as casual with him as he’s done before but it doesnt really work, especially when theyre having their movie night and evens head ends up in isaks lap and isak has to fight the urge to run his fingers through his hair. even doesnt seem to realize how isaks breath hitches each time he steps too close.

then one night julian and his boyfriend invite them and a few other friends over and isak ends up drinking a few shots and even has a few beers too and then theyre sitting in a circle and before isak realizes, they are in the middle of the “make out game” andwhen its their turn, evens eyes are telling him its okay ,they dont have to do it but isaks drunken mind says fuck it and he leans in and theyre kissing and isak is dizzy and doesnt want to stop and evens hands are on his neck and holy shit its the hottest kiss isak has ever had in a long time. he drinks after that and somehow forgets that happened

until next day when even brings some water and painkillers in for isak and isak cant look into his eyes and his heart feels like its gonna jump out his chest and even is sitting on his bed and then hums, “so last night was interesting” and isak downs the whole glass of water slowly, trying to gain himself some time and then he looks at even, “yeah? dont really remember anything man” and he sees evens face drop and isaks heart does the same but then evens lips quirk up in a painfully fake smile, “yeah me neither” then leaves the room with a “hope your head is okay” and isak is ??confused. bc he doesnt think even ever felt the same but this did make it look like he did but isak doesnt know what he’s supposed to do about it. so he doesnt do anything and ignores the topic, acts like nothing happened.

and then even stops coming over and doesnt answer isaks calls or texts and isak is mad at himself for fucking up whatever they had and julian asking where even is makes it harder and he’s annoyed and sad and still confused but mostly in love with even. so when on his way home he sees even putting furnitures and boxes into a car at a house, he steps up to him with a racing broken heart and when even sees him, isak feels his heart break into more pieces and he misses the smile on evens face. and he wants to talk to him but evens just “i really gotta work, we’ll talk another time?” without looking at isak and fuck, that really hurts. but isak goes home.

and after he finds out from evens best friend that even kept talking about isak and how that kiss made him sure that he loved isak, he goes over to even’s and that night even tells isak he’s bipolar and isak has an idea of what it means, though he’ll make sure to learn more about it, and he tells him its okay and his arms wrapping around evens worn out body that night makes even believe that it IS okay and when they go back to isaks flat, even is bringing more clothes than he’s brought before. and isak running into julian two weeks after that feels funny bc isak realizes if it werent for him turning up in his life this many times, he wouldnt have even waiting for him in their flat and isak just pats julians shoulder and greets him with a wide smile and almost skips while walking out to the street, going to the nearest bakery to bring some food home, for him and even