#my internet is shiz rn

[cherrinen]

artvsartist is trending again and since I've actually made some art... Here's my contribution (half of my face included!!). Sketchy and plain, no backgrounds, that's me and my art ;0 ✨✨ Artblr: @cherrimarts

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

my top 10 series of 2019~

aka i gush about shiz i watched this year for waaaaaay too long lol... 

i watched a lot of stuff this yr (well... it felt like a lot? there’s a lot more i wanted to watch but i’m terrible at time management lol...) so let’ssss explore that in a ~numbered list~ lol

(spoilers - there’s a lot of gay shit here lol... what can i say, twentybiteen really pulled thru lol)

10 - Stranger Things (series 3) 

i know some people didn’t like this series, but i legit thought it was really good lol... i felt it had gone back to the style of the 1st series a lil more? (whereas series 2 had felt a lil disappointing in a way??) & i loved all the new characters introduced (robin is a personal fav, obv), & the whole splitting off into the lil groups was really effective in not just feel like it’s always the same group together, and it also allowed for some interesting character moments!

visually, stranger things always looks amazing! but i thought the whole summer/july 4th vibes really made it especially stunning tbh... as most things on this list, i’ve only seen it once, so i would like to rewatch it at some point (actually wanna do a full stranger things marathon tbh i was trying to explain what had happened in the show to my friend who stopped watching it early in series 1 & it was so difficult to remember exactly what had happened in it lool... ) 

there were obv things about it that i wasn’t as big on, like the whole evil russian-invincible guy was v cliche and kinda silly, & some of the actions scenes were a bit awkward(?) feeling... but i’m a sucker for any 80′s style media so those things just reminded me of the goonies or some shit lol

9 - Ghosts 

actually the funniest & cutest series ever tbh!!! as someone who grew up with horrible histories with the original cast, this just made me immensely happy to see the whole team together again! the humour style is v similar to horrible histories too btw, though i feel they let themselves have a lil more ‘dark humour’ than in that (since this is more a general audience, whereas hh was definitely more aimed at kids tbh... tho they still won a comedy award for it lol! actual legends lol anyway...)

only downside is that it’s only 1 series atm & it’s pretty short... but i know there’s gonna be a new series at some point so i’m v excited for that!! i feel there’s sooooo many places they can go with the concept (i.e. exploring how/when the other characters died (like kitty!!! i need to know her story lol i love her!), maybe introducing another character who can see ghosts?? like a medium/psychic or something/etc ...) but legit, please watch this if u haven’t!!! 

8 - Good Omens

this pretty much took over the internet this year lbr lol & tbh i’d def say it was worthy of the praise!! ineffable husbands aside, the main story is super engaging and enjoyable, with some really awesome side characters (& some of my fav character designs in anything ever tbh!!) but definitely the biggest draw was the ‘6000 years mutual pining’ romance which they did so well lol & it was something that was genuinely so lovely to watch tbh!! i also really loved the ending message of the show! i really hope to rewatch this next year when i think it’s gonna be aired on british tv at last????

downsides would be that the plot can be a bit confusing at times? but maybe that’s just me being dumb lol... but i imagine it’s a lot easier to understand if u’ve read the book lol?? i don’t have a problem w/ aziraphale & crowley not being “explicitly” gay or whatnot (i know i’ve seen some people annoyed with this?), since the whole idea of their relationship is so much larger than just them bonking or whatevs lol? (in general i think more media should have less focus on kissing/intimacy as an indication of love/romance... which is something i’ve already talked about lol)

oh, and the title sequence is INCREDIBLE lol i seriously loved it so much!!

7 - Killing Eve (series 2)

finally finished this the other day & it was so good!!! i really love the dark comedic tone of the show tbh & i def feel there was more of it in the 2nd series then the first! i also liked the further development of villanelle & eve’s relationship, which is obv the highlight of the show tbh! there was also a nice lot of twists tbh, though i’d say it was a lil less intense than the 1st series? (overall i’d say i prefer the 1st series, but the 2nd was a fab continuation... btw i also watched the 1st series this yr lol)

negative points are that the plot wasn’t quite as interesting as the 1st series... i think cos the focus of the murders was taken off of villanelle that we lost some of that drama from the 1st? i thought the ghost was gonna be a more integral part but she was kinda weirdly pushed aside once we learnt her identity? & the creepy son dude just annoyed me lol (but i suppose that was the point lol...)... so like yh there were lil things that didn’t engage me as much as the first, but overall i still really enjoyed it lol

this is def fulfilling the hannibal-shaped hole in my heart tbh... (another series i finished this yr...)

6 - Dark Blue Kiss the series

look, it’s no surprise this is on my list lol... i was hella hyped for this series when it was announced last yr, even though my expectations were VERY LOW after kiss me again the series (which, lbr, is a massive mess lol... like it’s My Mess tho)... but for real, this series really exceeded all my expectations... & then some! like i’m legit shook at how good it was ngl! especially morksun’s storyline, which was by far my fav in the show (as much as i’m petekao trash lol...) also, i was surprised by how genuinely pretty this show is! esp in comparison to kma (like i know i keep going on about the goddamn bruise makeup but it is so ugly in kma, but they really did a great job in dbk tbh!)

ok so there’s a lot of flaws lol... like... a lot (i’m already complained a lot so i won’t bore u with that rn lol...) but for real, the thing that i love the most about this is the discussions of coming out/homophobia/general young people struggles/etc etc which is so refreshing to see in these series! like i love that despite the cheesy tropes, it still knows when to be serious & genuine...

5 - He Is Coming To Me

another thai series, i believe this has the same director as dbk? (don’t hold me to that tho...)... legit one of the best, if not the best, thai series i’ve ever seen tbh! so adorable, so well acted, so funny & heartwarming like... legit it’s so good!! i was already excited about it from the trailer, but the way it really delivered on the emotionality, whilst keeping it lighthearted, was truly wonderful tbh! the main actors did a brill job i gotta say, and all the side characters were amazing too (there really wasn’t a character i didn’t like i’d say tbh? i need to rewatch tbh... there’s a lot i’ve forgotten since this came out p early in the year lol)... also, visually it’s so pretty!! i swear the cinematography in these thai series just keeps getting better & better & it def improves the watching experience tbh!

a down point would be that the first ep is a bit slow/awkward to get in to... & i think it def could put someone off? but i’d say to stick w/ it since it just keeps getting better & better! i’d actually say there isn’t really anything else i didn’t like about it ngl? it’s just so good guys... u really need to watch it!

4 - Russian Doll 

probs the only series on this list that i actually actively went to rewatch straight away lol (didn’t do a full rewatch btw)... it was SO good for real! i already loved the premise lol (it’s basically groundhog day, which is already such a great film, but they explored those ideas even more in this which i loveeeed) the leads are fantastic, and the story is generally so interesting!  plus the editing & song choices are really brill tbh... 

my one complaint would probs be that the series loses a lil momentum at certain points (esp later in the series), but it still keeps ur interest, and the ending is really well done too! i know there’s gonna be a 2nd series, so i’m really hoping it’ll be able to live up to this one, and also explore more of the characters/concepts/etc! i’m def hyped for it tbh!  

i feel like this series is simultaneously underrated and also v well known lol?? like i know everyone sees that ‘thursday! what a concept’ meme but i feel like i didn’t see as many people talk about it as much as other series this yr??? 

(for my top 3, i’d say i love them all equally/for different reasons... so the order they’re in is changeable lol)

3 - Gentleman Jack

one of the greatest bbc series of the year, maybe even the decade lol! actually a masterpiece of cinematography, incredible acting, gorgeous costumes, beautiful depictions of love and intimacy, hilarious characterisation & just generally a wonderful series!! like i can’t praise it enough! it’s literally everything i could ever want from a series, and more!!!!!!! like everytime i think about it i just feel like ‘!!!!!’ constantly lol... like... what did we do to deserve such a series for real?? something that i esp loved was that i vividly remember not that long ago w/ people complaining about the bbc for having minor lgbtq characters in things, so to have a actual main lesbian couple series be on prime time bbc telly is kinda mind blowing lol... like.. i know we’ve got a long way to go, but it does make me immensely proud!! 

i have no complaints lol... other than - needed to be longer (i think we’re getting a 2nd series right???? i hope so tbh!!)

2 - The Untamed 

look, i don’t make 15 piece series’ for nothing lol... this show really got to me ngl... like i knew it was gonna be amazing from seeing tonnes of mutuals start watching it & praising it.. .but ohhhhhhhh boy i wasn’t reading for the angst and heartbreak and just generally how invested i’d be in all the characters lol... like genuinely there’s so much to praise about this show! it may not be as super ‘polished’ as some of the other shows on this list, but it really has so much heart and hard work and dedication put into it which really shows in the final  product!

there’s obv issues with it, but i feel like it’s kinda unnecessary to go over them lol? there’s so much more of this series that has brought me genuine joy, the biggest being the fact they were still able to depict a really beautiful, loving and /romantic/ relationship despite the strict censor is truly incredible lol!! like w/ good omens, it just shows what you can do to depict love/romance without having to over-sexualise something...

i feel like i’m saying less for these top 3, but it’s just cos i’ve already gush to high heavens about how much i love them lol... 

1 - HIStory 3 - Trapped

you - *pretends to be shocked that this is my number 1*

yeh... no surprises that this is in my top 3 lol... what can i say that i haven’t already screamed about for months??? this series truly surpassed any expectations i could have had for a HIStory series... the story line is complex & pretty well done (it’s not perfect... but nothing is so....), the characters are wonderful & also brilliantly acted! i think the thing that i love the most is that the director wanted to create a series that wasn’t just a cheesy gay series (don’t get me wrong, i loVE cheesy gay series’ lol... ) but also would have a more interesting, well developed & more ‘mature’ story line (i think esp in comparison to other HIStory series’ which are usually school/uni based)... it’s also one of the few lgbtq series i’ve seen that isn’t just about ‘first loves’, and doesn’t place a big emphasis on a sexuality/identity crisis... it’s just so unabashedly a mystery-romance drama, which is just so refreshing to see! & i genuinely hope we can see more series like this, where gay characters don’t need to ‘prove’ themselves in order to be in a series or to be in relationships (which it often feels like, where writers need to explain /why/ characters are gay...)...  

phew... that’s a lot of text lol, just like w/ the untamed, i feel like i’ve already talked about the negative points of the series (plot holes, awkward moments, weird editing/sound choices, bad tropey plots), but the positives of this series seriously make it worthwhile, and i’m just so so SO happy this show exists lol...

all 3 of these series have a special place in my heart of inspiring lots of my own exploration of art, as well as writing, which has been really crucial in me understanding what i wanna do with my life (i know that sounds kinda weird, but at the start of the year i really didn’t know what i wanted... and i wasn’t even sure what i was good at lol... so thru these shows i was able to discover a lot more about my own style of working & thru all of them i was able to meet some wonderful new people on here which has made 2019 actually one of my most enjoyable years on tumblr! 

this has been an...... interesting year lol... but definitely these shows made it just a lil bit better!!! 

Happy new year to anyone who actually read thru this & let’s hope 2020 brings us even more brill shows ~~~

[betweenrivers-betweenworlds]

Tag game fun time zone

Get to know me tag game!

Tagged by @svartalfhild, who is quite the cool kid.

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

LAST:

1. Drink: Water 2. Phone call: My younger sister Mary. 3. Text message: Group chat. "Man nod" (poking fun at a typo) 4. Song you listened to: rn I'm listening to Resonance by HOME. 5. Time you cried: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh...a while?

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: Nope. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Yeah, but that was part of a much larger thing. So it wasn't the kiss itself, but the kiss was part of it. 8. Been cheated on: No. 9. Lost someone special: No. 10. Been depressed: Meh 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Yup. Don't recommend it..

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: black red and blue.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Oui.. 16. Fallen out of love: Nah. 17. Laughed until you cried: At least one time I'm p sure.. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: I don't think so? Like in a shit-talking way? 19. Met someone who changed you: I like to think I pick up things from everyone I know, but I wouldn't say I've changed fundamentally lately. 20. Found out who your friends are: Not in fuck-you-you-weren't-there-for-me mode. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yarp.

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Most of the folk, probably. There are a lot from high school/college, but there are others who are internet friends I haven't met in person yet. There's also a dude from Egypt who one of us befriended the other over a fb game but we've never actually spoken. Oh, and a dude from one of my old chat room/forum things. Never really talked with him either but w/e. 23. Do you have any pets: No, but my roomie does. 24. Do you want to change your name: Naru 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: Kelsey and I had a shared bday. We had cake n shiz. 26. What time did you wake up: My alarm went off at 8, I got out of bed a bit after that. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: I think I was actually trying to sleep then. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Getting back to my apartment. I'm writing this on the bus rn lol 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Close to an hour ago. She and Mary dropped me off. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I'd dropkick my asthma. 31. What are you listening to right now: Same song as before. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I have an uncle named Tom, so yeh. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My ankle being a sack of shit b/c of Ragnar. 34. Most visited website: Tumblr probs

RANDOM INFO:

35. Mole/s: One or two I think? 36. Mark/s: Like what? Scars? Freckles? Dirt? I have some scars (including a chicken pox scar on my forehead and some on my knees from falling into gravel) and some freckles. Fewer than I'd like tho. 37. Childhood dream: At varying points I wanted to be a train conductor person thing, and an archaeologist/paleontologist. 38. Hair color: Brown 39. Long or short hair: Short 41. What do you like about yourself: A few things. 42. Piercings: None, but I've been told I could rock earrings. 43. Blood type: I always forget it. I think it's O+? 44. Nickname: Alex is short for Alexander, but there's some others that I've had through the years like Freaky Elder (middle school thing. Hard to explain). 45. Relationship status: Got a lady friend. 46. Zodiac: Virgo 47. Pronouns: he/him 48. Favorite TV Show: Fuuuuuuuuuuu-Person of Interest, maybe? 49. Tattoos: Nada 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: None. 52. Hair dyed in different color: Nah. 53. Sport: Cross country, track, wrestling, soccer, I've played those all. XC was the big one for moi. 55. Vacation: Mostly to Canada or other states. 56. Pair of trainers: Brooks Adrenaline GTS 17. I've used the Adrenaline GTS line since high school and it's served me p dang well.

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: I eat a lot. 58. Drinking: I try to keep hydrated. I drink more coffee than tea but I'll drink them both. 59. I’m about to: Get back to my apartment, but that'll be a while so it's not really "about to". 61. Waiting for: Various shiz to load b/c the bus internet is sorta slow (which I get cuz it's free but still) 62. Want: No student loan debts. 63. Get married: Some day? 64. Career: Fucken. Who knows at this point.

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. Hugs or kisses: Both are good, but hugs are easier to deal out and I come from a huggy family. 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes? I pay more attention to those. 67. Shorter or taller: I don't really have a preference, although most folk I'm interested in are shorter cuz I'm 6'2" 68. Older or younger: Just not extremes in either direction. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms? I guess? 71. Sensitive or loud:  I don't entiendo. 72. Hook up or relationship: I think I tend towards relationship? But it depends. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Nah.

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: As in someone I had met that night? Or just someone I didn't know, period? Because if the latter, then no. 75. Drank hard liquor: Yup. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No. I don't wear them. Well, sunglasses but anyway. 77. Turned someone down: Yup. 78. Sex on the first date: I have. 79. Broken someone’s heart: Yup. Like not intending to hurt but it happens sometimes. 80. Had your heart broken: Yup. 81. Been arrested: Nope. 82. Cried when someone died: I think I cried when my grandparents died? But I was also like, 11 so. Uhh, probably died for my other grandma. That was sophomore year of college. 83. Fallen for a friend: Yeah.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: Usually. 85. Miracles: Nope. 86. Love at first sight: Nah. It's a process if you ask me. 87. Santa Claus: Nah. 88. Kiss on the first date: I have, but it's not my norm.

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: ??? 91. Eye color: Brown. 92. Favorite movie: L A B Y R I N T H

tagging (screw the rules): @wenamedthedogkylo, @regexkind, @americas-shit-salad

Only if you wanna. Feel free to tag yourself too.

[better-every-minute]

August 30th, 2019

Your pretentious little shitprick is back on the saddle to write some more that no one ever asked for. Yknow, for the ...4th? time? ever???.  I am so bad at this wow.

Anywho, just saw some post telling me to go start a journal or progress in a journal I already started, and you konw how that goes! internet says something you are contractually obligted to fulfill it! haha!! :/.

I don’t remember what i’ve said last entry but I also kinda not care. Last couple months I’ve been trying to workout, mostly for the sake of making myself stick to something and keeping to it, since apparently I can’t hold any routine for over 3 days. It’s been going okay, but lately i’ve started missing days and im not doing enough to recover said lost days, which kinda sucks. Rn it’s the fourth day in a row I haven’t worked out, and I’m feeling kinda miserable about it. While I have the willpower to do so though, i’ll go do it and come back and continue writing. Brb. Back. That was 3 minutes, 37 seconds, aka what I should have done on the 26th. Every day is one second longer than the one before. I’m sticking to elbow planks and side planks, alternating between the odd and even numbers. Once I hit 5 or 6 minutes I’m planning on switching to a different excercise. Possibly jumping jacks, since I can also have that add up 1 a day, or burpees, and have it add up 1 every week, but do it every day. I should also do meditation, since the whole point is to train my willpower to actually get myself to do the things I want to do. Oh well. Oh yeah! turns out?There’s a big chance of me being/having adhd, which is kind of wild. I always figured whatever I did, people with any neurodivergence that affected their focus and attention probably had it much worse, and yet they still went and got things done, which meant I just suck That Much. But no, apparently I might be adhd too, which explains a lot. I swear, if there’s some stupid pill that actually gets me doing things and being productive and shiz im going to be so mad. Grateful, kind of, but mad, because it means that all of these years ive wasted away not being enough and failing them all could have been properly used if I had just known and done something about it. Bleh.

Also autistic. Did I mention that? Slightly more apparent, that one, no one ever had any doubts i wasnt neurotypical, but since my diagnosis was never formally finished, I’ve just been in a kind of limbo about it all.

Lately though, these past couple of...months? (wow time flies), I’ve been going to a therapist, mainly as a way to acess hrt later on, and to deal with some...issues. And, you know, to make myself feel any worth by actually going somewhere and doing something about what I don’t like. It’s easier to take action when you have appointment for it, and all you have to do is show up.

What else, what else? Ever mentioned I’m outright awful at journals? oh yeah, right there, at the very top. Huh. Anywho, I’m trying my hand at the CS50x Introduction to CS course, as a way to actually get coding, which I can’t bring myself to do apparently, and im on the week 2, after like 4-5 weeks, because im awful at actually getting down to doing the things. But what else is new, right?

Honestly, I’m feeling kind of hopeless about a lot of things. I have, what, 90 years? optimistically? in this world, and So Much I want to do, but with my potential, I feel I will get to do none of it, let alone enjoy it. So, kinda dreading life. However... What’s the alternative? Giving up? Doing nothing? Inviting depression? Fuck that. Today I write. Today I excercise, maybe even meditate a bit. I’ll try my hand at that coding excercise, try to be done with the Week 2.

I’ll do it. I’ll do things. Because failing is slightly more attractive to not doing anything and rotting in place. Good luck, me. Wow that feels crappy and  egocentric. “good luck, me”?? what is your problem wow. The world is literally burning away out there, you can’t even escape the confines of your own skull. Sheesh. Also, wow mood swings. Damn.

A n y w a y. I think I’ll cut it short here. Until next time.

[anal-shreks]

So I've been having physical and mental health issues including a rash and migraine and impulsivity and violent thoughts and bingeing and purging and such and general feelings of doom because I have been super sleep deprived My roommate turned on fluorescent lights at 2:30AM and then had a series of alarms that rang from 6:30 AM to 8 AM... I woke up at the first alarm, but she didn't get up until 8 While I was struggling, half asleep as her alarms were ringing I asked her if she could set less alarms and she said she couldn't, and then I told her I was getting very sick kind of like I was blaming her I guess but I wasn't completely blaming her, but those things are directly connected. I just wanted to emphasize that sleep is important and that the lack of sleep was contributing to my illness so it was especially important at the moment and so that's why could she please not do what she do She didn't say anything to me after that but later that night told me she was mad at me for that. I apologized a ton which is actually dumb I have a fear of either being a doormat or too domineering which 1 am I?? Then later after panicking and thinking a ton about everything and how I was going to survive I came up w a proposal I thought was reasonable I asked that we have 8 hours of darkness and quietness each night and it didn't matter when and could work with her schedule as long as they were consecutive and dark and quiet because I want to work together and I need to meet my need And she replied I can't really promise that. No promises. I have to do what I have to do. My heart dropped Then last night she mentioned she was getting sick and went to bed around 11. I was up until 2, and woke up at 8. I didn't actually get up until around 9 though. She was still sleeping, and I had to pack my art supplies up for class that starts at 10 So I was emptying the garbage and did three knocks on the floor to shake it out which weren't even that loud, and she said what was that And I said nothin don't worry bout it And she said can you please not do that again And I wasn't planning on doing it again but thought that was ridiculous that she played a series of six alarms and then I made ONE sound and she complained So I of course said "No promises. I have to do what I have to do." I felt very empowered in that moment Also I actually had class in less than an hour and so I was doing only what I had to PLUS it was past 9am after she had slept 10+ hours I was just kind of trying to give her a mirror I guess so she would reevaluate how she handled that and how it sounded to me when she said it Tonight in a meeting with her and the RA I asked again that we have 8 consecutive hours of dark and quiet and then even changed it to Yellow light only and quiet. I never asked for silence or even pitch black She said it was extreme WHAT THE HELL AM I ASKING FOR SO MUCH?? I JUST WANT TO SLEEP WOMAN. I JUST WANT TO NOT DIE . DORMS ARE CALLED DORMS BECAUSE GUESS WHAT THE LATIN ROOT OF DORM MEANS SURPRISE SURPRISE IT MEANS SLEEP also she said she was mad at me for what I said this morning and I admitted to being passive aggressive but said I was not sorry and I realize now I was not being passive aggressive because I clearly communicated her the night before my needs !!! therefore it is not passive. So really I was just being snarky and RIGHTFULLY SO. witty banter isn't the all time worst response to someone who is driving you insane in the membrane. Me using her words wouldn't have upset her if it didn't reveal that she was being a jerk. If I repeated something kind she said she would feel happy I'd imagine. I'm rubber ur glue?? I called my mom and she was proud of me for standing up for myself thanx mom The thing I hate most about her aside from that she is disrupting my sleep is that she acts soo nice. Acts. She's so insincere!!! She's a big phony. One thing I value a ton is authenticity, and the thing about this chick is she speaks sweet but acts so selfish. She pretends to be goodhearted, but she is completely inflexible. She makes compromises like they're goin out of style. And they're the kind of compromises that make ya feel like your immune system is compromised....... Literally my immune system is compromised because I can't sleep. She laughs at funny memes on the internet and pets dogs for therapy and offers u raisins and asks if you're ok but that doesn't mean she is truly kind beyond that shallow shiz It's so hard when she masks being a bitch with the way she's talking. Like she knows she's telling you shit but trying to deflect any blame by speaking in this weird tone I'd rather her just outright be a bitch. The worst part is she's so sneaky about it I like people like that guy on Scrubs who is super sarcastic but really cares. ME AND MY ROOMMATE'S FEUD IS BASICALLY THAT OF THE GUY WHO OWNS THE HOSPITAL AND THE DOC WHO IS JD'S MENTOR IDK NAMES RN BUT IF U KNOW THE SHOW U KNOW ((I'm the sarcastic but good doc)) Honestly I'm becoming mean and I'm so afraid I'm going to become more mean if this continues. I don't like being angry. I don't like being mean. I don't like feeling hurt. Anger as an emotion exists to protect u. I'm just learning to feel anger this year because before I was just anxious, and I would apologize and tell everyone yes yes I am the problem, and I'd get stepped over. And I'd neglect myself. I'm learning to try to be assertive about my own needs and protect my rights. I remember the first time I saw my anger response in action in a long time was when Jim hit my mom. It was like in that moment I realized while his anger was harmful, my anger was helpful because it helped me get my mom out of there. And that anger is not inherently negative. I want to listen to what my anger is telling me is wrong and respond appropriately to the situation. I still don't get as angry as most people. My friend Sam was more mad than I when Joey was messing w my heart. I was understanding. Most of the time I am understanding, but right now I'm kind of war bent when it comes to my roommate I've been thinking about weird things I could do to make her fear me like moaning weird things at night that she's too embarrassed to confront me about. That's pretty fucked up, and I'm not going to do that (most likely) Sometimes when u have no options the only option left is PRANKS!! Also ideally she would be considerate towards my needs out of love rather than fear. Fear isn't effective. My parents tried to make me fear them, and I rebelled. I bet if they tried to do things that would have made me love them instead I would have worked much differently to be good to them. Well this was quite the rant I hope I can figure this out. I like being sassy. It's really fun. But I'm going to cool it I think. I want to be a good person. It's just that i tried being direct and it didn't work so now I'm in like a protest mode I guess I know that I am good-hearted.