#my main suspect has changed over the years. from social anxiety to gad to depression to adhd to maybe autism?
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i’m having a moment of boiling rage over the way my obvious neurodivergence has been handled by my doctors and attempted therapists
#marzivents#thought one vent post was enough. it is not i am angry#like. ok i’ve known i had /something/ for as long as i can remember#i remember talking with my mom as a kid about whether i should go to therapy#(i for some reason thought it was a thing for older people? idk why)#my main suspect has changed over the years. from social anxiety to gad to depression to adhd to maybe autism?#but that’s not the important part#the important part is that it’s something. and i’ve literally always known this#but every time i try to bring it up. oh you’re fine. oh you’re okay#even my favorite therapist dodged it! she did however acknowledge that yes i was exhibiting Real Symptom but she avoided drawing conclusions#which. honestly fine she can’t technically diagnose me#but it is so frustrating#especially when i compare it to my brother’s experience#my brother was diagnosed with autism at 2. 2!!!#he’s faced a fair bit of ableism from classmates and teachers and i am not going to glorify that#but he’s also always had access to accommodations and he doesn’t need to justify needing anything#i mean it’s to the point where he feels babied. he wants to have his autonomy respected#once again. i’m not glorifying ableism. it genuinely sucks that he’s going through that/has gone through that#but god at least he has a word to call it! he never had to question why some things were hard for him and others were incredibly easy#he never had to question whether he was making all of it up#he never needed a reason to need help. if he needed it that was it. there were no extra questions#i never got that. and i’m not envious of him. but i am a little angry at the fact that i never got that#i doubt myself all the damn time. i hesitate to say that i’m probably not nt#if i’m struggling suddenly it becomes ‘what happened’ and not ‘what’s bothering you’#instead of ‘we’ll work on it’s i got ‘try to fix it’s#i’m so sick of constantly having to justify it. feeling the need to apologize every time i ask for help#it’s maddening. it drives me crazy#god. i gotta get that fucking diagnosis i’m gonna die at 30 from sheer frustration#i know this about me. i know it. will people please fucking listen#sigh. curse of being afab
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