#my mental health record is going to end up looking like a fuckin millefeuille lmao

[flying-elliska]

Mental health stuff //////

So I finally got an appointment with a therapist - online, as the times require - after several months of trying to find one who both would take my insurance AND also know shit about ADHD - the last time I just picked a therapist at random, it was bad. She didn't want to believe my diagnosis because "I didn't look hyperactive" (a lot of adults with ADHD are not) and kept proposing stuff I just knew wouldn't work. Anyway, so this time I was determined better to advocate for myself and be clear about my issues.

The Dutch health care being ok but also a bureaucratic mess, I ended up going back to my previous treatment center because I didn't find anything else - the Dutch branch this time instead of the international brand. I was able to tell them directly that I felt the treatment was interrupted last time because they switched my therapist three times in a few months because of layoffs (...health care budget cuts, I guess...) and that I ended up giving up, which sucked even tho I was better.

The therapists were very nice (the older one looked like Cynthia Nixon, the other was a trainee). I was able to really get into the stuff that was hurting me, not just ...focusing on my studies/work situation being difficult. The tricky thing is that mentally, right now, I am not doing that bad. I have grown a lot more stable over the last few years. But I am also very much at an impasse in terms of getting where I want to be ; I feel stuck. Every time I try to go for something I really want, it sends me into a tailspin. So I made my world very small and easily manageable. Sometimes it's cosy. I have gotten better, especially this year when mental issues seem to have gotten much more visible and normalized, and mental health prioritized (I know how weird and paradoxical this is but there have been times I've felt quarantine was very close to my normal, the world was simply catching on). Better at taking it slow and easy and enjoying the little things, better at being mindful and working with the quirks of my brain. But...long term, this stasis is not sustainable. I am tired of seeing the same patterns crop up again and again, tired of all the anxiety and self sabotage. I have been running from the things I want and need to do. I know I want and can do so much more. I think it's time for some deeper work.

So, the big thing at the end of the session was that they floated the idea I might have borderline personality disorder. They're not sure, I have another appointment next Friday for deeper investigation. The tricky thing is that BPD and ADHD have symptoms in common and one can often be mixed up with the other - especially if you have both, which might be my case.

I am very ??? about it. On one hand if this allows me to get the help I need, then good. On the other, well, it is a bit terrifying, especially since the stigma for that one is particularly vicious. ADHD is often trivialized and misunderstood, but at least it's not demonized and is often considered pretty benign, sometimes even as a gift. Meanwhile, it's happened to me several times to hear people talking about how a person being manipulative/destructive/instable could mean they were borderline and how it was probably best to keep them at a distance/they were incapable of changing.

I can recognize certain symptoms (unstable sense of self, fear of rejection, mood swings, hypersensitivity, people pleasing, splitting) and others not really (impulsivity, excessive anger, fear of being alone, attention seeking, recklessness). And well, I have suspected for a long time that some people in my family might have it, and there is often a transmission factor ; at the same time I might have developed coping methods a lot earlier because of a familiarity with certain patterns of behavior. I spent a very long time developing the facade of being the reasonable girl. I have a very strong tendency towards stoicism and trying to be the strong one and solve my issues on my own. It might just have pushed this all down without really solving it.

I know it's possible to have a sub-clinical level of symptoms, too. I guess we will see. It's just put me in a very weird mood.